Work Text:
I can’t sleep
So I slip out of bed
To not disturb you
I plop into my chair
Kneading stomach fat
I never thought I could have
And I think about
All the people I used to be
On the way to becoming myself
I’m still becoming myself
🌙
Even when I wasn’t dying
I looked like a coat rack
Draped in dreams, ambition,
And world-ending self righteousness
I conflated with “believing in myself”
Nowadays
I look something akin
To an overstuffed cabbage roll
I taught you to how make them
The way my Bubbe did
You know, the right way
But you always overstuff them
They barely even close sometimes
Hence my current resemblance to the dish
🌙
I’ve grown fat
From your affection, Jayce
And, admittedly, by my own hand
Moreso by my own hand
Seems that I can’t help myself
Surviving all that we’ve gone through
And coming out the other side?
It’s indulgent we get to live at all
Might as well lean into it
Even if it means
Getting suck in my chair
Damn
🌙
I’m kneading stomach fat
I never thought I could have
🌙
Shit
You’re up
Hope I didn’t wake you?
Okay, my absence woke you
That’s great
Now can you help me out of this chair?
🌙
I can’t get over
The way your fingers
Dig into my plush fat
The feeling of your lips
Kissing where the
Vestige of my jawline
Meets my double chin
Ugh
I love it!
Having so much of me
For you to love and adore
How you insist that
There can never be enough of me
To think your hands
Once encircled my thighs
Or that my waist was smaller
Than the circumference
Of your head
Or my head for that matter
To think your hands can
No longer contain
Any part of me
To think you’ve loved
Every version of me
That you love
This version of me
And will love
Future versions of me
It’s baffling
The more I think about it
That you’d willingly pour
So much of yourself
Into us
Our relationship
Suppose it takes one
To know one
Because we both know
We wouldn’t be in this mess
We call “a relationship”
If it weren’t for me
Interrupting and
Taking a chance
On you
🌙
I shouldn’t treat our love
Like it was chance
Even if it kind of was
Because our love,
More than chance,
Is a choice
One we’ve chosen
In all timelines
And all possibilities
This timeline included
This love we share
Was neither inevitable
Nor written in the stars
But willed, forged, shaped
By our choices
Our love is necessary
For the universe to function
A cosmological constant
That we work with
Everyday
🌙
I still can’t sleep
But I stay in bed
As a comfort to us both
You spoon me for a while
Then roll over to your side
You always liked being
Spooned more than I did
So I press myself into you
Hold you close
And settle my head
Upon your shoulder
Kneading stomach fat
I never thought you could have
And think about
The people we were
How I want to hold them close
And apologize for all the shit
We put them through
Only to realize
That our living well
And becoming ourselves
Is the best apology
We could ever give them
🌙
We are always becoming
More ourselves