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night thoughts

Summary:

Viktor can’t sleep.

Notes:

Day Seven: Freebie

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

I can’t sleep

So I slip out of bed 

To not disturb you

 

I plop into my chair

Kneading stomach fat 

I never thought I could have

 

And I think about

All the people I used to be

On the way to becoming myself

 

I’m still becoming myself

 

🌙

 

Even when I wasn’t dying

I looked like a coat rack

Draped in dreams, ambition,

And world-ending self righteousness

I conflated with “believing in myself”

 

Nowadays 

I look something akin

To an overstuffed cabbage roll

I taught you to how make them

The way my Bubbe did 

You know, the right way

 

But you always overstuff them

They barely even close sometimes

Hence my current resemblance to the dish

 

🌙

 

I’ve grown fat

From your affection, Jayce

And, admittedly, by my own hand

 

Moreso by my own hand

Seems that I can’t help myself

 

Surviving all that we’ve gone through

And coming out the other side?

It’s indulgent we get to live at all

Might as well lean into it

Even if it means 

Getting suck in my chair

 

Damn

 

🌙

 

I’m kneading stomach fat 

I never thought I could have

 

🌙

 

Shit

You’re up

 

Hope I didn’t wake you?

 

Okay, my absence woke you

 

That’s great

 

Now can you help me out of this chair?

 

🌙

 

I can’t get over

The way your fingers

Dig into my plush fat

The feeling of your lips

Kissing where the 

Vestige of my jawline

Meets my double chin

 

Ugh

I love it!

Having so much of me

For you to love and adore

How you insist that

There can never be enough of me

 

To think your hands

Once encircled my thighs

Or that my waist was smaller

Than the circumference

Of your head

 

Or my head for that matter

 

To think your hands can

No longer contain

Any part of me

 

To think you’ve loved

Every version of me

That you love

This version of me

And will love 

Future versions of me

 

It’s baffling

The more I think about it

That you’d willingly pour

So much of yourself

Into us

Our relationship

 

Suppose it takes one

To know one

 

Because we both know

We wouldn’t be in this mess

We call “a relationship”

If it weren’t for me

Interrupting and 

Taking a chance 

On you

 

🌙

 

I shouldn’t treat our love

Like it was chance

Even if it kind of was 

 

Because our love,

More than chance,

Is a choice

 

One we’ve chosen

In all timelines

And all possibilities

This timeline included

 

This love we share

Was neither inevitable

Nor written in the stars

But willed, forged, shaped

By our choices

 

Our love is necessary

For the universe to function

A cosmological constant

That we work with

Everyday

 

🌙

 

I still can’t sleep

But I stay in bed

As a comfort to us both

 

You spoon me for a while

Then roll over to your side

You always liked being 

Spooned more than I did

 

So I press myself into you

Hold you close

And settle my head 

Upon your shoulder

Kneading stomach fat 

I never thought you could have

 

And think about

The people we were

How I want to hold them close

And apologize for all the shit

We put them through

 

Only to realize

That our living well

And becoming ourselves

Is the best apology

We could ever give them

 

🌙

 

We are always becoming

More ourselves

Notes:

Thought I'd close out this week with a poem.

All these little short stories were a blast to write, and I'm so glad that you all like them so much!

You can find me lurking around on Tumblr.

And as always, your comments and kudos are super appreciated.