Chapter Text
March 2003
Parker flinches at Millie's disgusted expression.
"You're joking, right?"
"I don't see the big deal," Parker admits with a casual shrug. "I hate those dresses. I mean, the whole thing would just be a waste of time and money. Two things my dad hates to run through."
"Yeah, just leave it alone, Mils," Selena cuts in, taking a large bite of her now cold lunch before she continues. "Leaves most of the prom budget to me anyway."
Millie sighs, rolling her eyes as she shrugs in defeat. "Whatever. At least wear something nice. Something better than Astrid last year."
Parker quickly glances over at Astrid who doesn't seem fazed by the comment as she only continues to stab at her salad.
"I didn't realize she went last year," they mumbled under their breath, eyes focused on their lap. They quickly clear their throat, speaking a little clearer as they continue. "But I'm sure she looked great. Whatever she wore."
"And I'm at least ninety percent sure those were pajamas."
"Nope," Astrid chimes in, her eyes not leaving the untouched salad she stirs around with her fork. "I told you it was a jumpsuit. Not that it matters. If I outgrew that in a year, I wouldn't fit in some overpriced sparkly bullshit anyway."
"You could just get another dress. It's like y'all hate spending money or something."
"Maybe because we do," Jackson jumps in with a scoff. He stabs at the school lunch meat on his tray before giving Millie a pointed look. "Let's be honest for a second. No one in this shitty ass town can afford to buy two prom dresses, even if a rich senior took you last year."
He directs his attention towards Astrid beside him at that last part, shoving her lightly with his elbow. She rolls her eyes before looking up to stare at him.
"He was not rich. He just had his own car."
"So Havenford rich," Selena observes.
Astrid gives her a small smile. "Yeah, I guess."
"Whatever happened with y'all anyway?" Jackson questions. He continues stabbing into the meat until it barely looks edible. "You were cute together."
Astrid groans, rolling her eyes before leaning in her chair and glaring in his direction. "We were never together. We just went as friends. His girlfriend couldn't make it and I wasn't old enough. That was it."
Millie sighs dramatically to herself before leaning over the table, rubbing Astrids arm. "It's okay. We all know the real reason y'all broke up. I don't know why Jackson would bring it up anyway. He's such an asshole."
Astrid furrows her eyebrows, glancing around the room to be met with several confused expressions from everyone. Except for Millie, who looks at her with sympathy. She couldn't exactly tell if it was fake or not.
"What do you mean? What do you think happened?"
"I have no idea what's going on anymore," Parker chimes in. "Who is this guy anyway?"
"We were just friends," Astrid emphasizes in their direction, her eyes widened in frustration only when she redirects her attention towards Millie. "Now what the hell are people saying?"
Millie raises her eyebrows, lifting her hands in surrender. "Jesus, okay. It's not a big deal. Just that he broke up with you after you started gaining last year."
Astrid freezes momentarily, only moving her eyes to look at her other friends at the table. She could tell by that alone Millie had ruined the once happier mood in the room.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Astrid hisses back.
"I mean, God. Do I have to spell it out for you?"
"Sure, why not?" she scoffs. "If you have something to say, go ahead. I can take it."
"Astrid," Parker whispers with pleading eyes, offering her a hand under the table. She decides to ignore it before continuing to look daggers at Millie who just rolls her eyes in response.
"I think you already said enough for me," she mumbles under her breath before taking a quick bite of her lunch.
Astrid scoffs bitterly before stealing a small glance over at Parker. Her brows lower, pulling together as they lower their gaze to the floor. She almost says something before her attention is shifted towards Selena.
She takes a bite of her food, shoving Jackson gently with her elbow. "Are you okay? You've been pretty quiet."
Jackson shakes his head. "I'm all right."
Selena nods. Though it's clear that she's not quite convinced. But she continues eating anyway.
"Hey," Parker starts, smiling sweetly at Astrid.
Her face relaxes at their words as she tries to match their kind appearance. "Hey, what's up?"
Parker glances down at Astrid's tray then back up at her.
"Are you feeling okay? You've barely touched your food."
Astrid's face dropped a little before giving them a tight smile. "Oh. I had a big breakfast."
"Hey," Jackson interrupted, lifting his watch up in a way that gives the group a clear view of it. "Time for fourth period."
Millie groaned and rolled her eyes. "Who let him have that thing?"
Jackson scoffed. "I'll have you know that this was an expensive birthday gift from my favorite aunt."
Millie shook her head. "She should take it back."
Jackson stands up shrugging as he starts walking to class. Astrid looks over at Parker with a small grin.
"Well, I guess I'll see you later."
"The white house?"
Astrid scoffs before wrinkling her nose. "Are we seriously calling it that?"
"I don't know," Parker shrugs. "You got any better ideas?"
Astrid sighs. "Guess not. Okay. White house it is," she responds with a wink.
Parker furrows their eyebrows. "You can ignore what Millie said. No one's talking about that. At least from what I've heard. You know she just enjoys the drama."
She pauses to consider their words before giving them a small, appreciative smile. "Thanks."
She waves at them as she walks to her fourth period. Parker sits there for a moment. A faint smile spreads over their face as they start to lose themself in their own thoughts.
"Hey," Selena whispers, breaking them from their trance. "Are you okay?"
"Uh, yeah," Parker returns, sitting up straighter. "I'm fine."
She rolls her eyes. "Hurry up. We're gonna be late."
Parker stood up and started walking close behind Selena.
They only had one class that year with Astrid Larsen, and it was their first block. Which meant it started too early for her to show up most days. She didn't care if she got in trouble for it, which surprised absolutely no one. She'd usually make up some excuse that her mom would usually sign off without much argument.
They weren't exactly sure, but they assumed that the only reason she ever bothered to show up at all was because it was English. She seemed to love reading and writing almost as much as they did. Even if she didn't always want to admit it.
They loved how at the beginning of every class, the teacher would let them write whatever they wanted. They'd usually write a poem or a short story that they knew Astrid would like, even when she wasn't there to read it. They always tried to include all of her favorite things, sometimes even using words they made up together when she seemed upset. Most of those words were used as curses when they were in front of adults, so she'd burst out laughing every time.
When they got to their history class, Selena sat in the back with some other friends and Parker sat in the second row with Jackson. This became a pattern with them. They probably wouldn't understand why everyone thought it was better sitting in the back if it wasn't for math class last year when Astrid and Jackson insisted on it.
Parker had always been good at math. And they probably would've enjoyed the class if Mr. McConnell wasn't such a pain last year. It all started to click for Parker when he would brush away student concerns and confusion. Even when students started failing his tests.
But what bothered Parker most was how he always gave them weird looks when he walked into his classroom. Even though it was a well-known fact that they were one of the best students in their grade. They tried to just ignore it at first until he started asking them stupid and invasive questions about them and their family.
And not in the way a teacher might be concerned about their student's safety at home either. Parker had enough experience dodging those questions.
It seemed like he was more concerned about Parker's behavior. Though they never gave anyone in that school a reason to question them. It started to get so bad they felt like they had no choice but to skip. So he started asking Astrid if she'd rather go to the white house instead. And their stomach turned every time her eyes lit up with excitement.
That reaction led them to believe she didn't notice Mr. McConnell's discomfort with Parker. And maybe she didn't at first. It wouldn't be until after they graduated that Astrid would start an argument with him, seemingly out of nowhere. She didn't directly mention Parker, but the smile she gave them later that day told them everything.
As soon as the bell rang, Parker hopped out of their seat, startling Jackson. Apparently, he had decided to take a nap near the end of class. Though they actually weren't sure if it was on purpose or not. Either way, Parker couldn't blame him. Especially with the way their history teacher over-explained everything. It was like he was only hired to put them to sleep.
"Damn," Jackson grunts, running a hand over his face. "What was that for?"
"I'm so sorry," Parker quickly apologized.
Jackson shakes his head, rubbing his eyes. "Don't worry about it."
He looks around the room at the other students who are now grabbing their things and leaving.
"Wow, is class over already?"
Parker nods, grabbing their things. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow."
Jackson nods absentmindedly, making Parker frown and stop dead in their tracks.
"Are you okay?"
Jackson sighs. "Fine. Just tired. I didn't sleep well last night. Sorry."
Parker shakes their head. "Don't be sorry. It happens."
"You can go ahead," he tells them. They hated the way he sounded like a drone. But they nod, deciding it was best to give him some space. So they walk out of the room with haste. Because they also couldn't wait to meet Astrid at their spot.
That's when Emma of all people came up behind them.
"So, whatcha doing?" she pried.
"I'm meeting a friend," they tell her. She frowned and walked up closer to Parker, now standing right beside them as she grabbed their arm.
"Well, can I come with you?" she asked, laughing obnoxiously in their ear.
Parker sighed to themself. "I'm afraid I'll have to say no this time."
They tried to smile at her, but it was so fake it hurt.
"Aww," she whined, walking backwards beside them. "Why not?"
Selena walked up behind the pair. "What's going on?"
Emma gives her a dramatic sigh. "Parker's meeting some 'friend,' and I'm not even invited."
"And why would you be invited?" Selena questioned, eyeing her curiously. "You don't even know who's gonna be there."
Emma's mouth gaped open, looking for a response. When it was clear she couldn't think of anything, she just rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Have fun I guess."
Parker can't help but laugh as she stomps away, earning them a weird look from their sister.
"Sorry, sorry," they laugh. "So, what are you doing now?"
"I'm going home," she said matter-of-factly.
Parker frowns. "By yourself?"
Selena shrugs, the corner of her mouth moving up and down. "I'll have Harry with me. He was supposed to be meeting up with some girl, but I think she's sick or something."
Parker nods. They walked through the halls until they reached the door leading to their freedom.
"Well," Parker starts. "I'll see you soon."
They smiled and waved goodbye to her as they walked briskly toward the abandoned brown building. They wouldn't have to wait long before a pair of lively blue eyes met their deep brown ones as Astrid wrapped her arms proudly around their neck.
⧫ ⧫ ⧫
Astrid laughed, laying back in the grass as they read her the story they wrote when they were supposed to be learning about American history. Parker laid their head on her shoulder, breathing in the smell of eucalyptus and sage around the couple. When they finished reading, Astrid smiled and started playing with their hair.
"Hey," Astrid starts. "What do you want to do when you're older? Probably has something to do with writing. Or at least it should."
Parker shrugs. "I haven't really thought that far ahead."
They looked up at her as she raised her eyebrows.
"You're kidding," she laughed as she sat up against the wall. "You always seem to have everything figured out."
Parker scoffed at that. "I don't have anything figured out."
Astrid shook her head. "Bullshit. I don't believe that for a second. You at least sort of know what you want, right?"
Parker shrugged, running their hand through the grass absentmindedly. "That doesn't really matter."
"Doesn't it?"
Astrid starts playing with Parker's hair again, scratching their scalp lightly with her nails. They decide to abandon the grass, moving to hug her body closer to theirs.
"I never really get what I want," they comment with a sad laugh. "Not without repercussions anyway."
This makes Astrid sigh. "Tell me about it."
They sit there for a moment without saying a word. It's only Astrid's sudden laughter that breaks the silence.
"I can't wait to get out of this town," she insisted, looking up at the sky through a hole in the ceiling as she continued. "It's just...it feels so fucking restricting, you know?"
Parker nodded understandingly but didn't say a word.
"I mean, I don't know what I would do, but I'd figure something out. Something better than here."
Parker sighed, making Astrid look down at them.
"I'm sorry," she sympathized. "Am I bumming you out? I can shut up."
They shook their head. "It's not you. I just can't stop thinking about my sister. And my brother, I guess."
"What happened? Is everyone okay?"
"Not like that."
Astrid lays her head on Parker's shoulder as they sit up completely against the wall. "I want to leave too, but I can't stop thinking about them. I don't know if I can leave them here."
Astrid offered them a small smile and her hand out for them to hold. They interlock their fingers with hers, kissing the back of her hand.
"I get that," Astrid responded. "I mean, I'm the youngest in my family, but I understand not wanting to leave everyone."
"It's just that I feel like if I leave, I'll be hurting them."
"Or maybe it'll just show them that they can follow their dreams too."
"Yeah, maybe," they grinned.
But she didn't understand. Not really. She would never know what it felt like to worry the way they had to when it came to their siblings. Her sister was about a decade older than her, meaning she had moved out when she was young.
She also didn't have their parents. They were too aware of what could happen if they made a wrong move. It could instantly project onto Selena and Harry, and if they left, they'd have no one to protect them.
"So," they began, trying to change the subject. "Did you notice something off with Jackson?"
She nodded with a sigh. "Yeah. He's going through some shit."
They quickly look away, their mouth gaping open. "Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"Don't worry about it," she interrupted. "Don't tell him I told you this, but I think his parents are gonna get divorced. They're broken up right now, and it doesn't look like they're gonna get back together. I think he's still holding on to the possibility though. I'm only telling you because I know he trusts you and so that you don't accidentally say anything that could hurt his feelings, you know? He hasn't seen his dad much since the break up, and they're pretty close."
Parker nodded. Although they wished she wouldn't have said anything to them. They would have preferred for Jackson to come to them if he felt comfortable enough talking about it. Still, they understand she's coming from a good place, so they decide not to say anything.
"Well, I hope that either way, he's able to see his dad again soon."
She hums in agreement. "Me too. He seems really cool."
Parker lays their head on Astrid's shoulder. "Do you think I'll ever meet your parents?"
"Oh," she sighs, hugging her legs. "I don't know. Maybe I should meet yours first."
Parker's eyes widened, and they lifted their head off Astrid's shoulder. "That sounds awful."
Astrid laughed. "Maybe I'll see them at the parent-teacher conference next week."
They scoffed. "Maybe." They adjust the sleeves of their jacket.
"Let's talk about something else."
"Agreed."
Astrid beamed at them. "So, do you like girls?"
Parker chuckled. "What? Eww, gross."
She shrugged. "I don't know. I think I have a small crush on one, but it's tiny though," she whispers menacingly. "Like, super tiny."
Parker shook their head in exaggerated disapproval. "I don't know. Sounds like you need to go to church."
Astrid cackled at that one. "Fuck off, Rivers."
She lays her head on their shoulder this time, and they wrap their arm around her back.
.
.
.
.
.
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What does it mean? by Parker Rivera
Tell me, please
what it all means.
The rain dancing with the trees,
the song of a brisk, soothing breeze.
Who am I in all of this?
Just a hushed moment of bliss?
Could I sing along if I tried?
Can I get a dance with the rain's bride?
I wish more than anything
to not be so silent.
I wish my heart
was just a bit more defiant.
(3035 words)