Chapter Text
When Rumi finally woke up, the sun was already starting to set again. She felt a moment of panic as she registered her inability to move, but it was quickly quelled when she felt Zoe snuggle closer into her with a small whine of protest at the movement disturbing her.
She immediately relaxed, letting herself sink back into the warmth of the girl sprawled across her stomach, before realising Mira was still there too when her arms held Rumi slightly firmer to her chest in her sleep, acting as a pillow for the younger women. The fact they were both still here with her, when she was so sure they would be afraid of her, that they would hate her, was causing a lot of conflict in her mind. She was so utterly convinced she’d be alone if her secret ever got out, that she had never once considered what would happen if they did actually accept her.
She knew they were all hurting. She had done a lot of damage to the trust in their relationship by caving to Celine’s pressure to hide herself. That was a burden she would take responsibility for, even though she knew deep down she should never have had to carry it. But what is a child supposed to do when their parent figure was telling them they were a mistake that needed to hide from the moment they could understand what that meant. Rumi had spent her entire life making herself smaller. Hiding in the background until she was strategically shoved into the spotlight. And even then nothing she ever did was enough. She was never perfect enough. Even when she did everything she was told. So she made herself smaller still. She knew how to move silently, hiding in the spaces she was supposed to call home. From the moment she learnt that creaking floorboards would be met with a stinging cheek, a hair out of place would mean drills until her body burned and her lungs were raw, or a word out of turn would result in sore knuckles followed by lines about respecting her elders, she did what she was told and made herself smaller. She let herself be shaped and molded. Living in the shadow of a woman she had never known while having to live up to her image in the spotlight. She had to be perfect. And so that’s all she knew how to do. Until she couldn’t be anymore. Her mind was still reeling as it struggled to process that she couldn’t hide anymore. She would never be “perfect” again.
The only thing that had made her life bearable, had made her feel like the burden she bore might be even a little bit worth it, was being able to meet her fellow Hunters. Celine had managed to track the other two down by the time they were in high school. So they were thrown together to finish school (Mira just in the same year as Rumi despite being nearly a year older, Zoey two years below them) and undergo Hunter training (mostly for Zoey and Mira to catch up, as Rumi had been running drills from the moment she could summon her saingeom), while learning how to be a team and superstardom worthy pop group. It was a steep learning curve, but their souls had connected immediately, making it significantly easier to navigate together.
She hated keeping the secret from them, holding them at arms length in a way she knew could eventually wear away their patience for her, but they had stayed. They had stuck with her. Even when she would disappear for days at a time after a fight with Celine when she found a rare burst of courage to bite back, when she would push them away and hide behind her locked bedroom door until their shadows finally disappeared to give her space to come back to them on her terms, or whenever she ran away to the quietest place she could find to cope with a panic or burn out. They were always there waiting for her with gentle eyes and open arms. They never left. And she was so grateful to them for that, but it also meant she didn’t know what to do right now. She should never have been seen like this, that was the plan, and yet here they were, still holding her like nothing had really changed. So much had though, and she was still terrified they might just be figuring out how to say they were done in a way that would let her down easier.
She gently lifted her hands, braving a glance at her new marks, only to be surprised to see them already fading like old scars. Not entirely disappearing, but whole sections of the marks that used to be an angry purple were becoming translucent, almost iridescent even, on her skin now. She found herself slightly lost in relief and confusion at how her gut reaction wasn’t purely self-loathing at the new tone to her patterns. There was the smallest hint of awe-laced fascination there too.
She felt a pair of eyes on her and twisted her head round to see Mira watching her with quiet interest.
“They’re changing…?” Mira looked curious at the new tone of her patterns, but there was only softness in her eyes. No trace of the fear or disgust Rumi was bracing (almost searching) for.
“Yeah… I- I didn't know they could look like this…”
Mira shifted slowly to free her left hand from where it was wedged between Rumi and Zoey’s torsos before reaching out and carefully taking Rumi’s hand in hers, running her thumb over the marks as she took them in with a level of care equal to that which one might treat a family heirloom that could fall apart if you looked at the wrong way.
Rumi tried not to react to the touch, her marks still felt like a bad sunburn, highly sensitive and unsure if they wanted to tickle, itch or hurt. She couldn’t hold in a small tremble though when Mira kept looking, kept touching.
Of course Mira noticed, feeling it run through the body that was pressed fully to her front. “Is this okay?” Her thumb paused as she waited for Rumi’s response.
“I… Um- Yeah?” Rumi’s voice stumbled slightly over the words. “It’s just… new? They still feel a bit more sensitive, and I don’t think I’ve fully processed you guys seeing them yet. Or any of this really”.
Mira’s gaze softened again as she resumed gentle circles on the back of Rumi’s hand, occasionally tracing the patterns exactly, then just loosely drawing her own aimless patterns into the back of Rumi’s hand.
They stayed like that, neither tired enough to sleep again yet, but both in total agreement that Zoey was not to be disturbed. Their maknae always felt things in extremes, and as such, was always extra tired or hungry after any big talks of fights they had.
Time felt like it didn’t exist in this moment, with the small bubble of comfort they had created.
They settled into a state of dozing, not fully conscious but definitely not asleep. Rumi knew that for certain, as Mira’s hand never stopped its exploration of Rumi’s, and that was enough to hold Rumi in a trance-like state almost akin to rest, at least for the moment.
The front door slamming open shattered the peace though.
All three Hunters were on their feet, ready to draw weapons and throw hands (or couch pillows) in a flash. Mira and Zoey vaulting over the back of the sofa to try and get to a more open area to square up before they registered the frantic voice of their manager.
“Girls?! Girls, are you okay?!” Bobby came barrelling down the corridor, skidding to an unruly stop as he saw them, all still waking up from the sleep or near-sleep they had been in before the disruption.
“Oh thank heavens! You weren’t answering your phones and the chat sites are going wild about your break up at the Idol Awards! Some people are also claiming they saw a concert at Namsan Tower with the Saja Boys and you? But no one seems to have any information and you weren't picking up or answering your messages and-”
“Sorry Bobby”. Mira was the first to regain her wits. “Our phones are all in our rooms and we accidentally fell asleep on the sofa after everything. But we need to do something about the breakup rumours though asap, as they’re not true”.
“I’m so glad you’re okay! And that you’re still together! I couldn’t imagine working for another group, not after how well you’ve treated me. What was with the Idol Awards performance though? We didn’t discuss any of that?”.
“It’s hard to explain, I think we wanted to try something in a bit of a new direction off the back of the Saja Boy’s fight to see if we could angle for a slightly harder style. But as interesting as it was to try, I don’t think it’s right for us”.
Bobby seemed to accept Mira’s response and started plotting all the press bits and social media posts he’d need to sort to get that story out, immediately going through a list of things to do, muttering as he entered “manager mode” now he knew his girls were okay.
“Right, I think with a few press releases and a bit of playing the hashtags, we can get this back under control”. He seemed to pause for a moment. “Maybe we skip mentioning the Saja Boys’ fight and just go off the general rivalry plot though. We want to distance ourselves from them as much as possible right now”.
“Why? What happened?” Zoey piped up in curiosity.
“There’s been chatter that the police want to talk to them about the alleged unauthorised concert at the Tower, but no-one seems to have any clear answers about what that’s about. Also there’s been speculation about how their sudden appearance and rise to fame alongside the rise of missing people cases has now drawn some suspicions, as the disappearances seemed to have practically stopped now they’re nowhere to be found”.
The three shared a look of relief that the heat seemed to be off them for now, the last thing they needed was for the world to learn about demons now. Luckily the Honmoon had always done a lot to disguise the world of demons from those who weren’t connected to it and that was a blessing right now.
“I think there’s a lot of talking that needs to happen in general too. Especially if you’re not breaking up, as the Idol Awards are claiming they don’t know where the win for Saja Boys came from. No-one remembers making that call and you three were actually slated to win after their fight messed up the scheduling. But either way you girls were due a break after the show, and I think it’s best you lie low for a bit anyway. We’ll discuss what a return will look like after you take some time to rest. No work allowed until I say so”.
The three harmonised a “Yes Bobby” and he looked satisfied.
“Want me to book you any resorts? Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“No resorts for us please, our couch has been feeling left out recently. But-”
“SNACKS!” Zoey jumped in over Mira.
“That would be great actually. All the usual snacks, enough to last at least the week for now please. And also book yourself and the team a proper treat or getaway on us, as soon as you can around the press management please. You’re also all long overdue an actual break. We’ll deal with everything else with social media and comeback planning when we’re ready, the fans will wait”.
“On it, and thank you girls. You’re all amazing!”
As he went to turn around, his eyes fell on Rumi and he paused.
“Is your face okay Rumi?”
Rumi looked like a deer in headlights, as she wasn’t sure how much humans could see of her patterns.
He took a step closer before Zoey and Mira stepped in between the two of them.
“She was sleeping on my hoodie, it’s just some marks from that”, Mira said.
“Don’t worry Bobby, we’re looking after each other. You should focus on the social media stuff. You’re always the best at that”. Zoey knew how to play up the innocent maknae with Bobby to throw him off the scent of anything related to their demon hunting whenever he got too close to finding out about a bad bruise or torn costumes they had to fight in due to a last minute demon attack. But she didn’t like doing it unless absolutely necessary, as it made her feel manipulative (her words).
He nodded between them and voiced his appreciation for them being on top of things before twirling on his heels and walking out of their apartment with a bit more spring to his step.
Rumi stumbled back, nearly missing the beanbag she hoped was where she remembered it being, as her knees finally gave out.
“Rumi! Are you okay?” Zoey pounced back over the sofa and was beside Rumi in the blink of an eye.
Mira followed slightly slower, keeping a close eye on the other two as Rumi tried to steady her breathing. Her vision felt like it was darkening at the edges, and she could feel her chest starting to tighten as the panic pressed into her, making it harder to draw in a breath.
When she reached the other two, Mira took Rumi’s hand in her own, nodding to Zoey to do the same.
“Rumi, try to stay with us. We’ve got you”.
Rumi felt the hands holding her with a determination that seemed like they were trying to tether her to reality, refusing to let her drift into the void her mind was free-falling towards. It was working. Mira held Rumi’s hand up to her chest, letting her feel and then start to mirror her breathing to help bring Rumi’s back into a more natural rhythm.
Rumi’s breathing evened out much faster than normal as she reflected Mira’s breathing, anchoring herself to the two through their gentle but determined touch, and she didn’t slip into full tunnel vision for once. She pulled herself back from the edge carefully, as if moving too fast might send her back into the darkness. Sitting back a bit more once she felt like the world wasn’t shifting around her, making room for the others to nestle into her sides a bit more to ground her further.
They sat together like that, content in the stillness as Rumi continued to settle.
“I’m sorry”.
“You don’t have to be sorry Rumi. We haven’t talked about what to do about your patterns yet, if you want to do anything about them of course. We can also just leave it for now. We don’t even know if humans can see them on you when they’re normally hidden on demons by the Honmoon”.
Zoey was right. They had no idea how much her marks would actually be visible, but how close Bobby seemed to get to seeing them made Rumi’s chest tighten again at the possibility of not being able to hide them from the world. If they were actually visible, they needed to come up with a plan, or a story to explain them.
Mira cut her train of thoughts off. “I think we should sit down and start to get our stories straight about everything soon”. She stood, Zoey following as the two gently pulled Rumi to her feet too. “Come on, let’s get something to eat, then maybe head to bed properly. I don’t know about you two, but I’m already ready to sleep again”.
Rumi and Zoey nodded, following on to the kitchen as Mira silently went to their pantry cupboard that was solely devoted to their ramyeon stash. They each had two shelves full of their individual flavours (each collection missing a few already), with another two shelves given over to flavours they all liked, but didn’t have as often, in case they felt like switching it up and to make sure their stashes were as even as possible. They were all big fans of the easy option the noodle pots provided when they were too tired to think about food, but knew they needed to eat. Or when they just wanted something quick and comforting. She grabbed two each for her and Zoey and one for Rumi.
As they waited for the kettle to boil, Rumi spoke up, her eyes firmly fixed on tracing the patterns in the marble countertop in front of her like she’d never seen them before.
“I don’t want to hide anymore”. The other two turned to face her, Zoey taking her hand again to encourage her to continue. “I don’t know how much people will be able to see them, but I think they can see something because of my human half”.
“Your what?!”
Rumi looked up, wincing slightly as she was surprised by Zoey’s outburst which made the grip on her hand tighten in a way that stung (earning her an apologetic wince in return as well as the pressure letting up), before remembering she hadn't actually explained anything to them properly yet, as she also caught Mira’s baffled stare. Especially as the only other time she’d mentioned it had a slightly different point they focused on; when they thought there was a chance she was maybe dying a bit because of the Honmoon.
“Yeah, my dad was apparently a demon, so I’m half demon. Hence…” She gestured generally to herself, the implication of reference to her patterns understood without elaboration by the other two. “I was told he vanished before I was born, and my mum-”. She ground to a halt as she realised she’d never actually learned how her mother had died, just that she had died shortly after Rumi was born. Celine had always moved the conversation on or just flat out ignored Rumi whenever she asked about her mother, and it wasn’t until this moment Rumi realised she’d never actually got any answers.
“You don’t have to talk about this if you’re not ready”. Mira was very wary of not wanting to overdo it with Rumi and have her shut down again.
“No, it’s not that. I just realised I don’t actually know how my mum died… I did ask…” Rumi got slightly lost for a moment before shaking off the thoughts and continuing. “Anyway, yeah. She was a Hunter too. But you already knew that. So I think I sit between the two worlds a bit more than I’m meant to. And that’s probably why Bobby could see something on me. I think I want to pick a story that means I don’t have to hide anymore though. I’m so tired of it”.
The others knew not to say anything yet, Rumi always had a look when she was trying to figure out what to say next. They knew that if she got interrupted, she would more often than not stop, making herself smaller and letting the conversation move past her instead of continuing. This was not something they wanted to risk being cut off.
“I think… I think I want to just call them my patterns. It feels like the easiest thing to call them. Say they’re something that are a part of me and I was wearing clothes and makeup to cover them until I was ready to talk about them. This new step for us feels like the best chance I have to make this kind of change”. Her free hand fiddled with the hem of her sleeve as Mira moved to pour the water into the pots, setting them down so they could steep. “We can say the Idol Awards was meant to be their debut as part of our exploration of the “harder image” off the back of the story you gave Bobby, but we didn’t feel right centering the change after the confusion, so they’re coming out now instead”.
“What do you want to say if people ask what they are though?” Zoey tilted her head, not quite understanding.
“I think I just want to call them patterns. Let everyone think what they want to about them from that. But I don’t want to lie and say they’re tattoos or something like that. Especially if it could influence anyone to get something similar because of me. If they do that when we just call them patterns and nothing else then it’s on them, not us, right?”
“I like it. No lies but not telling them anything more than they need to know”. Mira pushed their pots toward them before handing over chopsticks and joining them in her regular spot again. “Seems the easiest way to approach this. And we can just act like nothing has changed around that to encourage people to move on faster. Just grey rock the shit out of any conversation about them until people get bored”.
Zoey nodded eagerly. “That sounds like a good plan, though you’ll need to give me a nudge if I forget. You know I’m not good at the whole ‘not engaging’ thing, especially when we’re on the spot”. The other two confirmed they were up for that as Zoey and Mira wolfed down their noodles, waiting again for Rumi as she was still finding food a bit hard.
“You two don’t have to wait”.
“We know," Mira said.
“We want to,” Zoey finished.
“Oh… Thank you…”
Rumi tried not to feel self conscious, and Mira seemed to sense this as she got up to prepare a third pot for her and Zoey. Her comment about still being hungry most likely being true, but her choice to state it to draw Zoey’s attention a bit was a deliberate choice to get some of the heat off Rumi, who still felt like she was under a microscope every time her bandmates looked at her too long or too hard.
Rumi had finished by the time the others had downed their second pots and she made the first move towards the stairs to head up to her room.
Zoey appeared beside her, not touching but far closer than she had to be. Rumi could see the worry painted across her face, and figured they were still wary about her ability to walk unassisted, given the state of her the night before.
She didn’t blame them, if it were reversed she would probably be the same. But this was the first time they were seeing how much faster she recovered from things, so it made sense they didn’t know where she was in terms of healing.
Her room was the first they came to, and she found herself hesitating, hand resting on the door handle, but making no move to open the door yet.
“Hey, you okay?” Mira came up and put a gentle hand on her shoulder, pulling back immediately when Rumi flinched, but she didn’t seem to really register that she had reacted as she turned to the others.
“I…” Words felt like they were getting lodged in her throat, even as she tried to clear it.
“It’s okay, take your time”. Zoey stepped forward, resting her hand on Rumi’s bicep (no flinch this time Mira noted).
Rumi wasn’t sure why her words were sticking like this. It wasn’t like what she wanted was a new thing for them. She didn’t want to be alone. But she didn’t feel like she was allowed to ask for this. She wasn’t meant to ask for anything anyway, she was the leader who was meant to carry them all. But especially now she’d failed, how could she ask for anything? Even if things had worked out in the end, she had still failed. And she had a permanent visual reminder of that failure now it seems. She shouldn’t want anything. Didn’t deserv-
She caught herself, remembering how Zoey had reacted when she had voiced the idea she didn’t deserve anything. Wasn’t worthy of them. But they were still here, both patiently waiting for her to work through her thoughts, Mira’s hand now rubbing easy circles across her lower back, helping to ground her alongside Zoey’s gentle hold.
No. She wanted to be selfish. While she could. While they were still saying it was okay.
She felt like she was on borrowed time, and if that was the case, she didn’t want to waste another second to the sinkhole the years gone had drowned in.
“I don’t think… I’m not ready to be alone yet… if that’s okay…?”
Mira and Zoey’s expressions softened immediately.
“Oh Rumi, that’s so okay. Do you two want to stay in my room tonight? I have so many blankets to choose from”.
“Is that why you demanded the room with the biggest bed? Also is that where all my blankets have gone?”
“No comment. Also my stuffies need space too, but they can stay on the floor for you two”.
“Aw, so generous”.
“They really are”.
“They owe us for the shows we’ve given them”.
Zoey let out an exaggerated gasp, clutching at non-existent pearls. “That was not for them to see!”
“And yet…”
Rumi watched their interaction, her fondness for the two warming her heart. Even as she felt the twinge of a familiar sadness at the ease of their bantering, as she found herself drifting off into her own thoughts.
It wasn’t deliberate on their parts, not at all. The collective years they had spent together, without Rumi, always meant they were closer than she had ever been with either of them.
It was inevitable.
And their explorations together over the later years, when they were seeking physical intimacy they had no time or space to explore outside their trio (as if they’d have permission from Celine even if they did), had only left Rumi further behind. She never resented them for exploring, for finding warmth in each other when all she had to offer were cold shoulders. But she felt a deep sadness that she hadn’t ever been able to even consider what that might look like for her with anyone else.
They had been transparent with Rumi about everything, and they had never moved into an actual relationship together. Even if Rumi (as oblivious as she could be) could see they both wanted with each other. And now they generally only sought the other out when there was a “need for something they couldn’t do themselves” they had said. But they were still closer, even in the smaller moments.
She loved watching them. And she didn’t- couldn’t care about being left out. She had other things to focus on.
“Rumi?” Mira gave her a gentle nudge, pulling her back to the present. Zoey was nowhere to be seen, but her door was open, so it was an easy guess where she’d gone.
“Sorry, Zoey’s room?”
“You sure you’re okay?”
“I think so?”
Mira seemed satisfied with that answer, at least it wasn’t a fake ‘I’m fine’ this time.
“Okay, you have an open door to say if that ever changes you know?”
Rumi met Mira’s eyes, not quite able to find words, but her nod seemed to be sufficient for Mira, who guided Rumi towards the open door.
“Oh my god Zoey, when was the last time you tidied in here?!”
Mira’s reaction to the chaos they had stepped into pulled a laugh out of Rumi, one that made the other two feel the warmth of relief wash over them as they saw their Rumi slowly coming back, even if it was still only in glimpses for the moment. Not that they weren’t both bracing for the dam breaking still.
“Before the Idol Awards. What time have we had for chores?!”
“Enough, also we have laundry baskets for a reason”
“But those aren’t dirty enough for that!”
“Then put them away?”
“They’re too dirty for that”.
“The floor is not meant to be storage for clothes”.
“And yet-” Mira poked Zoey’s side before she could quip back, making her squeal and try to step away from the offending tickle finger, almost faceplanting over the pile of hoodies she had forgotten existed. Mira’s raised eyebrow was all that was needed before Zoey huffed and went to change into her favourite turtle pyjamas. Mira and Rumi were both unbothered about staying in their current PJs, and Mira climbed into bed first, patting beside her to prompt Rumi to join.
“Zoey doesn’t want to be in the middle?”
“She’ll latch on to anyone, are you feeling less sore?”
Rumi paused to take in her body. She felt like a walking bruise, but the sharpness had dulled to an ache.
“A bit…”
“I’ll take cuddle duty tonight, just promise me you won’t try to sneak out on your own if you’re on the outside”.
“I… I promise”. Mira nodded, trusting Rumi and settling down on her back as Zoey went through her evening routine (she swore it helped her wind down and they knew better than to question any systems she claimed worked).
Rumi yielded when Mira reached out to pull her back to join her, tucking Rumi against her side so her head was resting against a pink hair covered shoulder. Rumi tensed slightly as she was so habituated to do when she experienced physical contact that didn’t come with conditions or pain initially, before relaxing down into Mira, curling her hands under her chin as she nestled in slightly deeper. She could have almost sworn she heard a contented sigh escape Mira, but it was so small, she wasn’t sure.
Zoey was done and followed Mira’s pat to settle on her other side. She reached over to Rumi, lacing their fingers together as she rested their joined hands on Mira’s stomach.
The warmth. The steady breaths. The slightly fluttering heartbeat under her. The gently held hands. Rumi felt so safe.
And as much as her mind was screaming at her for feeling that way, when she was the monster who made things unsafe. Tonight at least she wanted to pretend that wasn’t the case.
As she felt the edges of sleep take over, her heart tightened for a moment, but still she slipped into the darkness hoping the warmth would be enough.
-----
Cold.
That’s all she knew right now.
She was walking.
Alone.
The void stretching out in every direction.
No end or light in sight.
And so she kept walking.
Surrounded by darkness.
Not knowing if she was even moving.
It felt like an eternity.
Like her bones were freezing as her muscles ached with each step.
And then a flicker of light.
A small spark, come to life just off to her left.
She turned, feeling the cold sink deeper into her as she walked towards the source.
It was flickering orange to pink.
But the closer she got, the bigger the flame became.
The more purple started to leech into it.
And she wanted to run.
Turn her back.
Pretend this wasn’t happening.
She saw a familiar tree taking form.
Growing from the flames.
The white cloth burning purple.
The chains of fabric breaking as the fire consumed them.
Celine stood there unbothered.
Her gaze cold.
Her blade colder as she raised it up to Rumi.
Her voice had been in Rumi’s ear for her whole life.
But it had slowly morphed into her own voice echoing the words she’d been taught.
The tree burned.
Celine stepped back into the flames.
Even as she turned to ash, Rumi still found herself reaching out for a moment.
Gwi-Ma took form instead.
His flames towering over her.
Twisting into a crooked grin.
He didn’t say a word.
He had never had to.
Not that he had any control over her anyway.
But the voices were already there for him.
The shame.
Instead he turned to look to her left.
She fought with everything she could to not look.
Stop her body turning.
But she wasn’t in control.
She found herself face to face with a Mira and Zoey.
They looked like they did on stage.
Only, not quite right, as she looked closer.
Their eyes were cold. Sharp. Hollow.
Their hands twisted into claws that Rumi remembered sinking into her skin.
Dragging.
Tearing.
And then their eyes shifted, no longer gleaming with the hard edge.
Hands soft and human once more.
It was her Mira and Zoey now.
Their fear was almost tangible as they looked at her.
As fire started to engulf her body.
Searing pain through her.
Her body cried out.
The glint of a familiar blade flashing across her vision before darkness fell again.
-----
It was dark again.
Only this time, it was warm.
Rumi felt warmth all around her. Her breathing was ragged and her skin felt damp. But she was warm.
Her eyes opened, trying to see what was happening, but it was still dark. And she finally felt the pair of arms around her, holding her to a body that was rocking gently.
She wasn’t sure what was real right now, and so she panicked. Pushing, trying to escape the embrace holding her as her voice tripped over itself, unable to quite make it out.
A light flicked on and she caught sight of an equally panicked looking Zoey with her hand on the bedside lamp, before looking down to see the fluffy white sleeves covering the arms that were wrapped around her. Mira’s.
Her body sagged, realising she was back in reality now. She was shaking. Zoey carefully crawled over, using the edge of a blanket to wipe tears Rumi hadn’t even noticed were falling as Mira continued to gently rock them, trying to soothe her nervous system. Zoey eased Rumi’s hands out of the death grips they had on the bedsheet, letting Mira sit back a bit more comfortably as she held on still, thumbs gently soothing circles into the backs of her hands.
The two of them didn’t say a word, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to process them if they did, but Zoey started humming a random tune that often echoed through the penthouse. One that Mira knew and joined in with, their voices harmonising without a second thought. The vibrations Rumi felt through the taller woman’s chest grounded her even more, like their own form of purring.
As her breathing evened out, they made no move to change their positions. Rumi couldn’t remember if she’d ever been cradled like this. Held so tightly to another person for so long. Not counting being part of a cuddle pile while they were all absently watching a movie or having a rare sleepover in one of their beds after a long day.
This felt different. This was conscious, deliberate. The way she was being held, like she was a precious thing that might break. Again. She was already broken. And she had already broken so much around her too.
Her body tensed as the thoughts fell deeper into a spiral.
“Hey, stay here Rumi. We’ve got you”.
Mira’s voice rumbled through her, and she almost felt the words more than she heard them.
“You’re okay. You’re okay”.
Mira continued to rock her, as Zoey refused to let go of her hands, still humming aimlessly.
“Come back to us, love”.
The pet name helped draw Rumi back. She still felt like the world was slightly out of alignment, but her thoughts had quietened for the moment.
And still they held her. And still she felt like this was too much to expect from them, even though she knew she’d do the same for either of them in a heartbeat.
Time felt like it had stopped around them. The bubble they sat in suspended to give them all the time they needed.
Slowly, Rumi tested the waters, stretching her legs out slightly, before sitting up a bit more. Mira moved to help her, legs unfolding so she nestled between them instead of sitting in Mira’s lap, as Zoey shifted so she didn’t have to let go of Rumi yet as she moved.
“I’m-”
“Don’t apologise Rumi, you have nothing to be sorry for”.
Rumi felt every other word in her vocabulary evaporate as Mira beat her to her knee-jerk apology, unable to call forth anything else to say. All she knew was how to apologise for taking up any tiny amount of space. She wasn’t used to being looked after, and it showed.
“Did you have a nightmare?” Zoey was speaking in a tone she usually reserved for stray cats she was trying to befriend without scaring them off. Which was probably not uncalled for with how flighty Rumi was currently feeling, not used to processing things in front of anyone. Or having anyone there to support her with the harder parts she was so used to working through alone.
Rumi still didn’t trust her voice (a terrifying thought for a singer and a Hunter), but she nodded.
“We’re here if you want to talk about it. And…” Mira’s pause immediately caught Rumi’s attention, her head turning to try and meet Mira’s eyes, but she was very pointedly looking at anything but the other two in the room. “You’re not alone in the nightmares. I’m not saying that to take anything away from yours. Just to let you know that we’re all a little bit not okay right now. And that’s okay. The shit we’ve been through, we should have had a bloody team of therapists for even half the crap we've had to deal with, especially as Hunters. It’s no wonder there was a limit for us eventually. And we actually have time to start processing things, what with the gap we seem to be in, so it makes sense things are starting to surface”.
Rumi hated that Mira was struggling, and she and Zoey both seemed to share in the sudden new goal of ‘comfort Mira’, both of them shifting so they could wrap arms around the tallest of the three of them. Zoey always glad for the extra real estate to koala onto in moments like this.
Mira would never admit it verbally, but she loved physical touch, the way she leaned into it whenever the other two reached for her was endless proof of that. It was definitely one of her love languages, aligning perfectly with Zoey who seemed like she’d spontaneously combust if she didn’t get to touch anyone for even a day (they had tested it once, never again). She was also still shaken from her dream, where she’d found herself alone, her gok-do in hand with a familiar dread filling her as she watched a shapeless, but familiar, form fade before her. So the reassurance the other two were there was infinitely calming. She hated when she was right about shitty things. But they definitely all had some healing ahead of them.
None of them spoke, but they did slowly move as a still connected unit (somehow) to lie down once again. Rumi was placed between Mira and Zoey this time, Mira pressing her whole front up to Rumi’s back to maximise the contact, while Zoey wrapped herself around the other two with her upper arm resting on Mira’s waist. Locking them together and nesting her head just under Rumi’s chin as all their legs tangled into a mess where you would have no idea which one of the three you’d get if you were to pull a random foot. Her gentle breaths spilled over Rumi’s neck, warming her up even more as Mira’s presence behind her gave her no room to float away from the reality she was currently anchored in. The safety bubble was just enough to let Rumi drift off into a light, thankfully, dreamless sleep.
-----
Morning sun filtered through a gap in the blinds, stirring Zoey first, whose protests against being woken up by nature pulled Mira and Rumi back to consciousness too.
They all sat up gradually, stretching and groaning as their bodies protested the movement after, it seems, staying in practically the same position they had all fallen asleep in the second time.
There was a mutual agreement that showers, breakfast and another couch day were in order.
Zoey reminded them they hadn’t seen her turtle video compilation yet, and they all agreed that seemed like the perfect way to spend the day.
Mira kept her phone with her this time, insisting that Zoey and Rumi leave theirs in their rooms still. They only needed one to be reachable (Mira was always second to be called if Rumi didn’t answer and it was urgent), and Mira was least likely to doomscroll or try to do some work out of the three of them when she did have her phone.
Rumi still didn’t feel ready to face her reflection, especially after the nightmare, so she used the spare towels to cover her bathroom mirrors, and threw an extra bedsheet over the mirror in her room before going about freshening up.
Luckily movement was a lot easier now, and her fingertips only stung slightly when she went to run soap through her hair.
Even though dressing was easier while sticking with long, but baggy and light clothes, she wasn’t able to put her hair up after drying it this time. Even the low braid Mira had done after helping her shower was too much for her, so she caved and let it hang loose for once.
As they gathered back at the breakfast bar, Zoey and Mira couldn’t help but stare.
“Are you two okay?” Rumi felt her flight instinct kicking into high gear as their eyes lingered.
“Yeah-” Zoey almost choked on the word. “Yeah”. Her second attempt went smoother. “I just don’t remember the last time you left your hair down. Have you ever left your hair down?”
Even Mira seemed like she’d been smacked in the face a bit. “I don’t know. I don't actually think so. We only ever see it down when it’s in the process of being put up”.
Rumi trawled through her memories, sure she’s left her hair down before around the other two. But the deeper she searched, folded over at the waist and legs flailing as she rumaged around the bottom of the storage box of memories to find any example she could give them. But she came up empty handed, a faint stinging from the metaphorical papercuts she’d received from searching and finding nothing.
“I… Don’t know if I ever have…”
She fidgeted with the cuffs of her shirt until Mira’s short but warmth filled “It suits you” floated across to her followed by Zoey’s enthusiastic nods of agreement that almost unbalanced her enough that she had to stop to save herself from falling off her stool. The ease of their presence drew Rumi towards them as she went to grab some drinks from the fridge for them all, feeling a little bit lighter again as she sat down.
Mira was on cooking duty today, which meant her trusty fried rice with sunny side up eggs on top was on the menu. She apologised for not thinking to ask for more kimchi, as she usually added that to the rice too, but Zoey and Rumi were quick to wave it away as that not being her responsibility alone and her rice being killer either way.
As they sat and ate, Rumi found the silence comfortable, which caused her to bottle at the idea of sharing her nightmare with the other two, not wanting to ruin the moment but also desperately torn as to why her brain was pushing so hard to talk about this. She was not used to wanting to open up. Actually no, truthfully she was not used to feeling like she could open up. She had wanted to before. But she’d always been shut down by her guardian. She liked how it felt. How it lifted the weight off her slightly. She didn’t know if it was too selfish of her to feel like that. If it was just her burdening those around her until they grew tired and left. She didn’t know how this worked.
Mira clocked her immediately though, offering the floor to talk about ”anything from last night” if she wanted to.
When Rumi paused again, Mira took the lead instead.
“Nightmares are shit. But they’re our brains unpacking things we’re not quite able to process, or that we haven’t worked through fully yet. They’re not a weakness”.
“I know. But it’s not fair to put my stuff on you when you’re also dealing with your own things”.
“If that was actually how it worked we’d all be fucked. We share our weights so we’re not carrying them alone. If we’re telling you we have the space to hear you out, please trust us to know our own limits. Think of it like having a bag in each arm, one is for your own things, the other is for the weight you can carry for others. Sometimes things need to move across if one side gets too heavy and unbalances things, and sometimes you need to lighten the load overall if it’s too much to stand. But most of the time both bags have room to take things on or move things around, so you can help carry the load for someone who is trying to carry too much on their own”. Mira gave a gentle, but pointed look at Rumi with the last bit.
“Yeah, we are all gonna find ourselves overdoing it sometimes, but you’ve never shared your load with anyone Rumi. It’s honestly a miracle you’re still standing at all. I know you had your reasons, but that doesn’t change the fact that you don’t know how to open up. That’s not on you to be clear, but learning how to, that bit is. You don’t come out knowing how to do that. It takes time to learn too”. Zoey knew all too well how frustrating it was to feel like you are behind in something that looks easy to other people (often just because they’ve had more time to practice). She often felt like she was playing catch up with the older two, especially when they were all in high school together. But she also knew it wasn’t a forever thing, eventually if you stick with it you catch up enough that the difference stops mattering, or existing, whichever came first. “You have two people here for you. One who has been to a buttload of therapy and knows what her limits look like even more clearly. So even if it’s just starting with Mira for now if that feels, for lack of a better word, safer for you to unload a bit, please promise you’ll try. Trust us to tell you if it’s too much. You always told me that, remember?”
Rumi felt tears welling up again, feeling equally seen and called out by the other two, but appreciating them both so much for not shutting her out while she navigated the heavily landmined landslide-waiting-to-happen that was her brain right now.
“I don’t think I have the words for how much I appreciate you two”. Rumi could already feel the tears falling as they all stood for a mutual hug circle and the three of them ended up having a little cry together until Zoey pulled herself together enough to drag the other two over to the sofa. “The plates can wait, it’s cuddle time now”.
Once they got situated, once again tangled together, Rumi found a small burst of courage to bring up the nightmare, after checking once more that the other two were definitely okay for her to talk about it.
“It was so cold. I felt so alone. It was cycling through everyone I let down that night”.
“What do you mean?” Mira had tensed slightly, not looking forward to the answer she guessed would come, but also meaning to keep her word when she said she wanted to help Rumi carry this.
Rumi went through, describing the nightmare play by play. Watching Zoey and Mira’s faces darken with guilt at the end.
“I don’t blame either of you. If it had been one of you instead… I don’t know if I would have reacted any differently”. She met the gaze of both of them in turn, hoping they could see the truth in her. “Your first thought is what you’re taught, your second is who you actually are. You showed me that meme Mira. And you are both here now. I want to trust that means more than you just doing your duty as Hunters or pitying me for what I am”.
“My nightmare was also about that night. I was also alone, all I saw was a shadow fading away. I knew it was you Rumi. But I couldn’t stop myself from raising my weapon to you again. Doing our duty as Hunters would have meant the unthinkable. I never had any intention of hurting you that night. I reacted out of habit and fear and hurt. And you know us better than to think either of us would pity you. We saw you when you had a week-long grieving period for your favourite sweater after it went through the wash by mistake. If there was ever a time you would have seen us pitying you, it would have been then. You were a mess. But this? This is you finally opening up to us in the way we had always hoped you might one day, after going through almost literal hell to get there”.
That pulled a small smile out of Rumi, but it didn’t fully reach her eyes.
“It feels weird to say, but I’m actually really grateful in a messed up kinda way that I would never wish for a repeat of and also I’m so ready for it to be over now, that all this has finally set you up to even consider letting us in more now”.
Rumi chuckled slightly at that, agreeing the catalyst was not something she’d wish for, but the fact that it had started her in motion towards maybe starting to heal a bit couldn’t be a bad thing.
“Yeah. I definitely don’t want a repeat of all that ever again. But I’m also so ready to be done hiding all the damn time. I don’t know when it will feel like I’ve actually slept enough after all this”.
“Probably not until the nightmares stop, or at least ease up”.
“Ever the optimist, Mira”.
“Realist”. Mira’s eye roll was playful, taking any edge off her bite back.
There was a pause as the others went through what Rumi had told them, only for Zoey to realise they had a chunk of information missing in the timeline that didn’t make sense.
“Wait, when did you see Celine? I thought she wasn’t in the city that night?”
They both felt how rigid Rumi went and Zoey was quick to try and damage control.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready. Or you don’t want to. Or pretend I never asked. I’m sor-”
“It’s okay. I can’t avoid this forever and we may as well get all the sucking out of the way earlier so we can focus on healing, right?”
Mira grimaced a bit at how much Rumi sounded like she was trying to convince herself as well as them.
“You don’t have to push yourself, we have time”.
“I know. But I can’t run from this forever, and sooner or later I’m going to have to face her again”.
Again, a harsh edge entered Rumi’s voice, causing Zoey to seek out Mira to see if she was also feeling the same dread. Her knotted brows confirmed they were on the same page, but her eyes never left Rumi, not wanting to miss anything.
“I don’t really know how I did it, but I went to her after I… left… I think I was able to teleport like some of the demons we’ve fought, but I couldn’t do it deliberately I don’t think. I wasn’t really with it anymore at that point. But she was at the shrine, by the sacred tree. I think she was monitoring the Honmoon, or our progress. She wasn’t surprised to see me, so I think she already knew I’d failed”.
“We’d failed. This was never just on you Rumi”.
Mira didn’t interrupt Rumi like that unless she felt it was important, so Rumi only paused for a moment to take in the comment, fighting the urge to argue or dismiss it. Choosing instead to just leave it be, which Mira took as a small win.
“She raised her sickle at me initially. We talked. I had given up. She couldn’t even look at me. She wanted to cover me up again. Wanted to lie more, to both of you. Say it was a trick to tear us apart. I couldn’t do it. I got mad. Renounced the old Honmoon. I felt it shatter when I did. Then I left. All I knew was I had to find you two. Or Gwi-Ma. Do whatever I could to stop it. Whatever it cost. And I know it worked out in the end. But… I-”. Her throat felt sticky, the way Mira and Zoey were looking at her was almost too much. This would shatter them. She knew that.
Hands found hers again, silence filled the space. It had a chill to it, one that raised goosebumps along their spines as they waited for Rumi to figure out if she wanted to continue.
Rumi checked in again, asking if they were sure they had space for this, as it was dark. They both tensed, but confirmed they were.
“I… was ready to die if I had to”. The strangled sound Mira made ricocheted off the gasp Zoey slapped her hand over her mouth to try and contain.
Rumi couldn’t look at them, knew she’d lose her confidence if she saw their faces now.
“I- I asked her- I offered her my saingeom. Asked the first thing I ever have of her. To stop me destroying the thing I was sworn to protect. Do what she should have done when I was born”. Hands tightened almost painfully in hers. “She wouldn’t do it. Said she couldn’t. I don’t know if I believe her. But she wouldn’t”. Rumi felt her anger bubbling up again as she remembered the interaction, fuelling her to go on. “She tried to cover me up again instead. That’s when I got mad. She said she loved me, but she didn’t. Not fully. She couldn’t even look at me for fuck’s sake. The love I did have was conditional. Waiting on terms she couldn’t have known were even possible. How could she have known I wouldn’t be hurt by sealing the Honmoon? How could she know I’d survive? How did she know I wouldn’t just become a monster? I spent my whole life believing half of myself would be better off dead, that it’s no surprise that it took so little for the rest of me to accept it too. And then I didn’t care what happened to me against Gwi-Ma. All I knew was I had to make sure you two were safe, whatever it took”.
The air felt thick. Rumi found breathing felt sluggish in a way she wasn’t familiar with, but was learning to recognise.
Grief.