Chapter Text
But it's a start and nobody's even worth it
Nothing comes of it. Regulus calls James, they argue about Sirius, and he hangs up feeling the exact same. It's useless. James feels useless.
With a sigh and a shake of his head, James sets his phone down on his desk and goes back out to the kitchen. Sirius is still out there, like he hasn't moved since this morning even though that can't possibly be true. He's got his hands wrapped around a mug and he's bouncing his leg nervously. James purses his lips and gathers a whole lot of courage.
"Hey," says James quietly as he heads for the snack cabinet. He grabs a bag of Doritos, the crinkle of the foil drowning out Sirius' scoff. "How–"
"I don't know what you even like about him," blurts Sirius with a scowl.
James stares at him for what feels like ages. Sirius glares back at first but eventually averts his eyes, a subdued dog. "The same stuff you'll like about him when you two are over this," he says it just be snarky. He's not even sure that there will be when. James is pretty sure right now it's an if.
"Hah!" Sirius flicks his hair out of his eyes. "We're never going to make up."
James believes it. He really, really does. And it makes him sick. What am I doing? "You two don't know a single thing about each other. You're literally strangers."
Sirius' expression does something weird that James doesn't want to dissect. "What is there to know? Regulus is a bitch. It doesn't matter what his pronouns are. He didn't give a fuck about Mother hurting me then and he doesn't now."
"That's–!" James groans and tosses the bag of chips onto the counter. He could scream. He has no idea what Regulus said but James is certain the other man has always cared about what happened to Sirius. That part isn't the problem. It's… well, everything else honestly. With a deep breath, James tries, "I can't–"
"He thought I would tell Mother," Sirius suddenly says, small and breathless. "Did he tell you that?" He meets James' eyes, face crumpled. "He thought I would let her hurt him even though I never did. I never once let that wretched cunt touch him."
"Sirius–"
"No," his best friend cuts him off with a shake of his head. "No. Listen." James presses his lips together. He owes Sirius that much. He's heard plenty from Regulus. Sirius never once spoke bad about him—about her. "A–He has no idea how many times I took punishments for him. I was constantly lying, taking the blame for stupid shit he should have known not to do. He didn't. He kept doing it. D'you know why?" James can guess. "He never learned. He never had to learn that lesson because I learned it for him. Every time, James. Every time Mother would have hurt him, I got in the way."
"Pads–"
"Please," Sirius begs and his eyes are wet. Sirius hardly ever cries.
"Yeah," James gives in immediately. He crosses the room to sit next to his best friend. "Sorry, go on."
Sirius grimaces but James thinks maybe it was meant to be a grateful smile. "She—He got the punishment closet most of the time. Just—Well actually maybe I'm not supposed to tell you this since you're his boyfriend and all."
In that moment, James realizes something. Or, maybe it's something he's known this whole time, but it becomes glaringly obvious. They love each other. So, so badly. They love each other and they'll do anything for each other. Regulus will write hours worth of songs, crying and pleading for his brother to see him. He'll go to a Modern Marauders' concert. Twice. The first time goes to utter shit and yet he'll still come back a second time. And Sirius will do this. Even still, even seething with rage over a hidden relationship, he'll falter. Hesitate. Look uncertain. Because even though James is Sirius' brother, James is also Regulus' boyfriend. And Sirius doesn't know which to put first.
"Fuck, Sirius," James whispers and drags them together. He tucks his face into Sirius' shoulder and heaves. He doesn't cry. Sirius is crying so he can't cry. He has to be strong. "It's fine. Tell me. I'm your friend. Tell me. It's fine."
Sirius sniffles and his breath is horribly uneven. They part but only because it's uncomfortable, leaned across chairs the way they are. Sirius wipes his face. "It was where Mother put us for 'time out'. It was so small, James. And she—he barely fit in there. Even when he was just–just a baby, for fuck's sake. But it was—It was so much better than–than what she did to me. He really—What he saw when I came out… That was—I mean, it was the worst it had ever been but it… it was like that. A lot. She just never…" He swallows thickly and James feels sick.
He desperately wants to hold Sirius as tight as he can, squeeze him until all of his pieces mend back together. But he wants to see Regulus too. He wants desperately to ask questions he never let himself ask before. "It's okay," James says quietly. "It's all—everyone is okay."
Sirius shakes his head and closes his eyes. "I just don't understand why it has to be him."
And there it is. The rage is back as quickly as it dissipated. "What."
"There are so many other people in the world, Prongs. Why does it have to be him?"
He can feel his shoulders rising, reaching to meet his ears. He knows he must look insane. He stands slowly and Sirius watches him, hurt and shocked. "Why does everyone expect me to put myself last? It's him because it is. There is so much to love about your brother, Sirius, and when you both get your heads out of your asses, you'll see it too. Until then, I refuse to be in the middle of it." With that, he storms back to his room.
If you're waiting for the stars to realign
He's going crazy. Anxious. Pacing back and forth back and forth back and forth. He shouldn't be here. Right? Or. Where else should he be then? James has two options, two places, two homes. James was going to live a double life, have a secret family, two places, two homes. He knocks. Of course he does. What else would he do? He's here. What else will he do?
It takes a while for someone to open the door. He contemplates knocking again. Or calling. Calling who? He doesn't know. Who will let him in? He isn't sure he should be let in.
It swings open. It's Evan. They stare at each other for a while. He goes to say something. He can't. They die in his throat. Something does anyway. The words or the courage or. Something.
"James," Evan eventually says quietly. Their relationship is weird. Where James and Barty were fast friends, Evan keeps his distance, eyes James with disapproval or something. He frowns and stares down his nose and does everything he can to not like James. Like Sirius, he thought that first night. Regulus had complained, irritated and confused, about Evan's behavior. Like he didn't understand why anyone would act that way. Like Sirius, James thought.
He swallows and forces himself to speak. "I need—I'm here for Regulus."
Evan nods his head once. "Yeah," he replies, "I figured."
"Is…" He hadn't really considered that Regulus wouldn't be home. Regulus is a real person. He exists in his own world, his own life, his own family. He and Barty and Evan and Pandora. They're friends, family. They have routines, favorite places and parks and Starbucks and—Regulus is a real person. He doesn't just exist in this apartment. He has a whole life that James isn't part of. James isn't part of it. Regulus won't let him be. Or. James won't? Or Sirius won't? Who is keeping James away from Regulus? Is it anyone? Is it everyone?
"He's in his room," answers Evan. They stare at each other. "Sirius was here," he says like James might not know.
"I know," he replies. "I… I want to…" But he isn't sure what he's here for.
Evan considers him for a moment. With a sigh, he steps aside. "Come in," he allows.
"Thank…" He trails off at the sight of Evan's expression. "I'm going to fix it," he promises instead.
Evan's smile is rueful and disbelieving. "Sure."
He wants to stand here and defend himself. He sees it, his anger and balled fists and spitting fury. Why does no one trust me with him? Why does no one want me with him? James doesn't say anything else to Evan. Instead, he stands outside of Regulus' room and contemplates knocking. Is that weird? He has no right to Regulus, his room or his privacy or anything. He has no right. But he's Regulus' boyfriend. Regulus is his boyfriend. He shouldn't have to knock like a stranger, an intruder.
He waffles over it enough that Regulus opens the door himself. His lips are pursed and his brows are drawn together and he looks miserable. "What…" Regulus stops himself. "Don't just stand out here."
James takes a gasping breath and yearns to touch him. He steps through the space Regulus makes for him. The other man steps into the corner of his room. Sirius' guitar sits up. There are an impossible amount of papers all over the floor. More than half of them are balled up, red lines still visible. It's the messiest James has ever seen this room. The most disorganized. The least contained. Regulus is always contained chaos. This is… He doesn't know. It's horrible to see. To witness. Regulus drops into his bean bag chair. He wets his lips, fingers twisted in his lap. Anxious. Maybe they're both going crazy.
"Sorry I didn't warn before showing up," he apologizes and it's not what he wants to say. He doesn't even really want to apologize.
Regulus' throat bobs as he swallows. "Yeah it's…" He looks miserable. "Are you—What's wrong?"
"It's really fucking hard fighting with my best friend," he blurts and he didn't necessarily mean to say it like that. Regulus jerks and it's a well-contained flinch. Sirius doesn't flinch, hasn't flinched in years. Why does Regulus still flinch? The extra years at home? Watching his brother take the hits? Does he even know how many Sirius took? "I—You have no fucking—I love your brother so much." He says it that way on purpose. Sirius is Regulus' brother. He wants Regulus to remember it, remember that the man he's keeping James away from is the same one he keeps himself from. None of them are allowed to be with each other in this. James and Sirius' intimacy is gone, the trust and deep respect and knowing every single thing about each other. James and Regulus' is gone too, trust and love and faith and infatuation, down the drain somewhere with James' self-respect. Sirius and Regulus maybe could have made up without James in the way. Maybe Regulus would have eventually come back on his own terms, seen another concert, given his brother the benefit of the doubt. Who ruined it? Who ruined this?
Regulus nods and his face does that thing it does a lot. It's flat. Blank. Nothing. Sirius doesn't make this face. He shows everything, breaks down and rages and forces everyone to bear witness. Regulus shuts down, refuses to let anyone see. He won't be seen. "You're here to break up," he declares like that's what James said. Like he really, truly believes that's what James wants.
He nearly laughs. "For fuck's sake." James drags a hand down his face, his glasses knocking painfully against his nose. "I—Regulus if I wanted to break up with you, I would have given up a long fucking time ago. You have—Barty and Evan and Pandora, they are your Sirius. What he is to me, what Remus and Pete and Sirius are to me, is what your friends are to you. Imagine if I asked you to not tell them about me, if you had to come up with a lousy excuse every time you wanted to see me. Imagine falling in love in silence. You and Barty—there are no secrets, yeah?" Regulus doesn't reply. His eyes are bright. He's hurt. "If you had to do this all alone, without him, it would be awful. I know that it's different. I'm an only child and I can never understand what this—I know. I know. I don't want to be alone though. You—I need you to understand that. I love you. I love you so much, I want you so much. Your brother is my Barty. I need him. I cannot choose. I cannot—I—Please, you have to—I need you both. You can't make me choose."
Regulus swallows again. He doesn't stand. He doesn't rise to his full height. He lets James tower over him. He lets Sirius' guitar tower over him. It's been like this whole time, he realizes ironically. That stupid fucking guitar has been towering over them this entire fucking time.
"I can't," Regulus says and it's choked. His face fights to stay flat. "Sirius—Did I tell you what he said about me?" James blinks at him. "After the concert, he DMed me. Did the same shit he's always done. Said you can cut off your tits but you can't transition from a coward. I'm a coward," he declares it. He says it so simply. Sirius is right, I'm a coward. James hears it clearly. James doesn't believe that for a second, would never describe Regulus as a coward. "He hates me. He really—You see a different version. You're his brother. It's not the same. He doesn't want to work it out and neither do I. We—We've only ever been capable of hurting each other."
"That's not true," James rushes to disagree, to argue. Regulus goes to argue back. "You know it's not. I know it's not. I knew him before, Regulus. I was there when you weren't–" He does flinch at that. Not contained chaos at all. "I saw it. He loves you so much. He loved you so much, more than anything in the whole world. All we heard about every fucking day was you. You were not hurting each other before your mother got in between you two. I know it's not–not as simple for you. The pain and—That's all yours. I know I can't see it. I can't—I wasn't there and I'm only here now and I can never see it from just your side. But it really—That isn't true. Don't convince yourself that was true."
"You—" Regulus presses his lips together and glances out the window. He glances at Sirius' guitar. "He will always see Aquila."
It's not true. It's not. Sirius caught himself so many times yesterday. He almost said it, almost slipped, but every time he corrected. He never misgendered Regulus, always respected him even when it was hard. Sirius has believed he has a sister for decades. He has held love and contempt and rage and despair for a sister. But he does not see Regulus as a woman. He doesn't. Even when he's seething, even when he's bleeding, he respects his brother. But James can't say that. Not even because he wants to respect Sirius or Regulus or their relationship. Regulus simply won't believe him.
"I can't be the go between you and your brother," he finally says. "I love you. Both of you, so much. But I… I have to have boundaries somewhere. I have let you dictate most of our relationship up to this point because I know you and Sirius are complicated and you weren't ready. You came to my show. You asked to come to my show. You have to be—You're obviously ready in some way." Regulus takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. "I can't juggle my best friend and my boyfriend forever." Regulus' expression pinches. "We have to decide whether this something we can work through or not."
Then boy you're wasting all your time
He flinches. Regulus flinches back and his eyes are wild and he searches James' face. He shakes his head. He looks away. James wants to touch him so badly. James stepped through the space Regulus created for him. James can't. They can't keep doing this. They can't.
"We can't keep on like this," says James. Regulus grits his teeth. He doesn't look at James. "We're delaying the inevitable. This was always—This is just going to hurt us all more. If we keep on like this, it's only going to make it worse." All of it. James and Sirius and Regulus and Sirius and James and Regulus. It's–
"I think you should leave," Regulus whispers and his hands are clenched in his t-shirt as it bunches in his lap. It's one he's seen on Evan before. He isn't sure if it's Evan's or if it's Barty's. Barty is Regulus' Sirius.
The words reach him with a quiet, painful edge. He takes a gasping, aching breath. "So that's it?" He can't believe it. This isn't how he thought this would go. None of this is how James though it would go. What the fuck has he done? What did he think would happen?
"I love you," says Regulus as if that's an answer.
It is, he realizes, cold and hot and numb and searing. "Just not enough," he replies breathlessly.
Regulus remains silent. What has he done?