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“Great job today, guys! And thank you so much! I know this has been hard, but you’ve all done so well with these big changes, and I’m really proud of you. Now enjoy your summer, be safe, wash your hands , and hopefully we’ll all be together again in the fall!”
Eddie’s laptop speakers are assaulted with a chorus of “Bye Mr. Munson!” and his screen is filled with little rectangles of 7 and 8 year olds waving furiously at their webcams. He waves back just as aggressively until all the squares go dark, and he closes out of Zoom and Google Classroom for the last time this year. Hopefully, for the last time ever.
The pandemic has taken a toll on everyone, but he feels like it’s been a special level of hell for teachers. Not to discredit anyone in the medical field or all the other essential workers that are finally getting credit for the work they do. But having to navigate the education system and get thirty rowdy grade schoolers in line via Chromebooks is something he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy.
Now that the school year is officially over, bidding farewell to his chaotic bunch of second graders, he feels like he can finally breathe a sigh of relief. He’s officially off for the summer, and normally this would be his chance to hop back into bartending for the extra cash flow, but Covid shut that down as well as every other normal part of life.
Thankfully Chrissy introduced him to TikTok and the videos of his virtual music classes have gone somewhat viral. He’s shockingly been followed by over fifty thousand people, and that landed him in the creator fund. So the videos that do well are helping to pay the bills. A lot of the comments he gets are from parents expressing their gratitude for all the shit teachers have to deal with. A lot of the other ones are from teenagers on the app wishing they had a music teacher who was as cool as him. And some of them are downright thirsty, which is weird, but he happily accepts the compliments.
Once his laptop is closed, Chrissy is ready and waiting with a fresh margarita. His best friend, his roommate, his soulmate . He’s so glad he’s had her by his side during this literal waking nightmare of the Covid Pandemic.
“Congratulations, Teach! You did it! And with your sanity intact!”
Eddie accepts the blended beverage and clinks his glass with hers. “Just barely, babe! I’ve been holding on by a fucking thread!”
He takes a long pull of the tequila and lime juice concoction and hums happily. He’s always been the drinkmaster of their apartment, but since her salon has been shut down, Chrissy has proven herself as quite the exceptional home bartender. The woman really needs something to keep her hands busy, so mixing drinks is mutually beneficial. So are the free trimmings she gives him.
She opened her salon, Scissor, a few years ago and it was instantly popular with the queer community. Not exactly hard when it’s in the gayest neighborhood of Chicago, and the owner is a gorgeous little ray of lesbian sunshine. But not being able to use her talents has been driving her crazy, so she’s been stirring drinks, kicking Eddie’s ass in Mario Kart, and making TikToks of her own showing how to style hair. Eddie’s often her guest model, and they’ve made a ritual out of squealing over the comments while sipping cocktails, thoroughly amused by how many people think they’re a couple.
“Nice job on the margs. Almost as good as mine,” he tells her with a bitchy wink.
She just rolls her eyes and tosses him the black Wii remote. “Shut up and pick your driver, asshole.”
Princess Peach beats the living crap out of Wario. Eddie knows he can do better with some of the other characters, but he just can’t resist picking this cunty little queen every time they play. And he keeps making the same mistake day after repetitive day. The first week of summer break ends up being another special type of hell he didn’t expect. He’s going fucking stir crazy.
They only leave the apartment once every couple weeks to go grocery shopping, trying to stick with quarantining and making sure neither of them show any symptoms before they go out again. Without the distraction of lesson planning and virtual classes and fielding emails from parents who are pulling their hair out, his days are…well, they’re fucking boring. There’s only so many rounds of Mario Kart, and Netflix documentaries, and board games meant for two that he can take.
He needs out of this fucking apartment.
After a day of him practically climbing the walls, Chrissy has had enough. She grabs his acoustic, shoves it into his chest, and pushes him out onto their balcony. “Get some fresh air and pluck your damn strings before I pluck all your fucking hair out!”
“Can you at least make me a fuckin’ drink if you’re going to banish me to the balcony?!” He’s shouting at the closed glass doors but he’s pretty sure Chrissy hears him since she makes her way to the cabinet with their bar supplies.
Eddie plops down in one of their little bistro chairs with a huff. This fucking sucks. He misses being able to go anywhere he wants. He misses not having to worry all the time about getting sick, and spreading it to his best friend. He misses working behind the bar and flirting with pretty men.
He misses getting laid.
Eddie sighs and situates the guitar in his lap. He just fucks around for a while, tuning it and strumming some old Willie Nelson songs his uncle likes. He should call Wayne later, see how he’s doing. He grins and starts to sing.
Hello walls
How’d things go for you today?
Don’t you miss her since she up and walked away?
And I’ll bet you dread to spend another lonely night with me
But lonely walls, I’ll keep you company
Hello window
Well, I see that you’re still here
Aren’t you lonely since our darling disappeared?
Well look here, is that a teardrop in the corner of your pane?
Now don’t you try to tell me that’s rain
She went away and left us all alone, the way she planned
Guess we’ll have to learn to get along without her if we can
Hello ceiling
I’m going to stare at you a while
You know I can’t sleep, so won't you bear with me a while?
We gotta all stick together or else I’ll lose my mind
I got a feeling she’ll be gone a long, long time
As he finishes strumming, he hears a single lonely clap coming from a balcony nearby. Eddie leans over the railing and smiles down at his neighbor below him. “Thank you, thank you! I’ll be here all night!”
Benny laughs and waves up at him. “By all means, keep playing! This is the closest thing I’ve had to a concert since spring!”
Eddie chuckles and sits back down in his chair. He’s known that bear for a couple years now, runs a diner in Boystown that has amazing fucking burgers. God damn, he’d give his left nut for one of those things right now.
He starts fiddling with the strings again and Chrissy joins him, setting down what looks like a Paloma. He stops for a moment to take a sip, and yeah…it’s pretty fucking good. He gives her a grateful nod as she settles in the chair across from him and he goes back to playing. With every song, more and more claps join along with Benny’s. Before he knows it, he’s got a cute little audience out here, everyone seeming to need a little break from the walls they’ve likely been staring at as well.
Eddie’s halfway through a Stealers Wheel song when he notices that Chrissy is taking a video of him. He gives her wink and a grin and hams it up a bit.
Tryin’ to make some sense of it all
But I can see that it makes no sense at all
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor?
‘Cause I don’t think that I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am stuck in the middle with you
His impromptu concert ends after a couple hours and he’s a little buzzed on these Palomas when he finally takes a bow to the applause of the neighbors in his building and some from across the street before they head back inside to throw together some tacos for dinner. They overcook the ground beef and undercook the rice, but fuck it. They’re giggling, and a bit drunk, and it’s the best evening they’ve had in a while.
Tangled together on the couch with Mean Girls playing in the background, Chrissy convinces him to post the video she took on TikTok. It’s actually pretty good. The song sounds great, he thinks he looks pretty hot in it, and she panned around their neighborhood a couple times taking in the people on their balconies watching the show.
Fuck it.
He uploads the video and tosses his phone aside while they sip more drinks and quote the movie practically line for line. He’s officially drunk when he finally stumbles to bed and sees a bunch of notifications swimming around his phone screen. He opens TikTok and barks out a laugh when he sees how many views and comments his video has already gotten. More than any of his viral ones he’s had so far.
He scrolls through some of the comments for a while snickering to himself before he starts swiping through his FYP. Cat videos, kids doing covers of old metal songs, more cat videos, cocktail recipes, and hooo boy what do we have here. His eyes are glued to the screen, one particular part of the screen actually, as he watches some beefcake do a workout routine in his living room. He’s wearing a purple t-shirt and very tiny blue shorts and a pink KN95 face mask. He’s barely paying attention to what the guy is saying, something about how if he can wear a mask while he works out, you can wear a mask when you go to Target.
Eddie doesn’t really care.
He can’t stop staring at the guy’s dick.
Those teeny tiny shorts are leaving fuckall to the imagination. He’s doing some exercise with a jump rope. And it’s just…flopping around with every bounce. He’s gotta know, right? Of course he knows. Eddie’s dick is little above average and he’s certain he would notice if it was helicoptering like that under his shorts. This guy’s got a third fucking leg whipping around in there. Jesus Christ.
He likes and saves the video, lets it play about a dozen times, dips into the comments, and yup. Everyone is commenting on it. He joins in, adding Why is this video as long as his………….jump rope?
Eddie giggles like an idiot and watches it repeat about 600 more times before locking his phone and passing out.
Little did he know, his interaction with Tripod’s video would with fuck with his algorithm and over the next week he gets more and more workout videos on his FYP. Boring. Except from time to time, the hot guy pops back up again and Eddie is glued to his screen for every single goddamn one. He’s always dressed like a little gym slut in the tiniest clothes and doing something obscene like jumping jacks or lunges fucking hell. He usually refrains from making any more thirsty comments, unless Chrissy has already been getting into the bar supplies.
He just finished another little balcony concert and posted a video Chrissy took, this time of him doing an acoustic cover of Nothing Else Matters. A lot more people on their block have been coming out to see the show and it’s been the highlight of his fucking days. He flops down on the couch with Chrissy and they put on another goddamn movie. He’s pretty sure they’ve watched literally every DVD on their shelves and at this point, it’s all just background noise while they scroll on their phones and send each other TikToks from opposite ends of the couch.
Eddie just sent her one of a husky whining like a bitch when he swipes up and there he is. His dream man. The guy with a mask over his fucking face in every single video but still the hottest piece of ass he’s ever had the pleasure of drooling over. He’s become Eddie’s prime spank bank material and he has absolutely no shame about it. Today he’s wearing a fucking crop top and Eddie already has it saved before he even registers what’s going on.
The guy gets down on all fours. All fours. He’s saying something about stretching, something about lower back, Eddie doesn’t fucking know. He audibly groans when he watches this guy start to…undulate?! He’s bowing and arching his back, like he’s fucking… thrusting. He’s got these tiny little shorts on again and what the fuck are they made of, spandex or something? His dick is like… right there.
This is the thirstiest trap Eddie’s ever fucking seen.
“Why are you staring at your screen like that?!”
He snaps out of it and looks up at Chrissy with his mouth hanging open. “It’s…cock.”
She bursts out laughing and launches herself across the couch, grabbing his phone and taking in the spectacular view. “Holy shit, this is practically porn! Is this the guy you’ve been jerking it to all week?”
“Fuck off!” he shouts, snatching his phone back. “Can you blame me?! He’s out here making this shit for free?! Good lord…Chrissy…I might be in love.”
“You’re not in love, you’re horny and haven’t had sex since lockdown started.”
Fucking hell, it’s been months. “Ok, you’re not wrong, but I’d really like to not have to think about that sad but true fact right now. Let me watch my slutty little gym bro in peace.”
She lets it go and grabs their empty glasses, gets up, and makes another round of Salty Dogs. While she’s busy, he downloads the video so he’s got it on his phone for later. For…reasons. Eddie pops into the comments again, giggling as he types.
I’m really into fitness. Fitness 🍆 in my 🍑