Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Other than when he was a newborn, there hasn’t been a period in Shin’s life where he wasn’t on the internet. Even when he tried, he just couldn’t tear himself away from it. In the seven or so years he’s actually spent talking to strangers online, people have come and gone. People he considered his friends, people he considered enemies, even people that he had a crush on or was dating. All of them meant nothing to him now. In all aspects, it was easy for him to get over people.

So why couldn’t he get over Hiyori?

This nightmare of a relationship started with one single notification on Twitter.

「日和 followed you」

Initially, Shin was a bit confused. He’s never heard of or (as far as he remembers) interacted with “Hiyori”. But going through their account, they didn’t seem that bad. Despite their rather corny bio, they retweeted posts about his favorite anime, even showed off some merch, as well as making a few posts about programming, which Shin is much more interested in than he’d like to admit. They shared a few mutuals, so Shin saw no reason not to follow back. 

He didn’t really think much of it until Hiyori sent him a message a few hours later.

日和: “Hello ^^ Wyd?”

Shin was rather taken aback. He and Hiyori have barely interacted, so getting sent a DM from them was confusing to say the least.

shin🫧🪣: “hi???”

shin🫧🪣: “im gud i guess??”

Something strange Shin noticed is that despite Hiyori obviously being Japanese—obvious from the fact that they had several posts in Japanese—they contacted Shin on the account he speaks English on instead of his JPtwt account. And there’s no chance they just don’t know about it, considering Shin has it’s @ in his bio. 

日和: “That’s nice to hear ^^”

日和: “Do you have Discord?”

shin🫧🪣: “uhh yeah its sh1ntsuki”

shin🫧🪣: “why??”

日和: “Oh nothing °-^”

Shin was weirded out by this guy to say the least. He lost himself in his own thoughts for a moment before a ding came from his phone, a discord notification. 

「日和 has sent you a friend request」

Great, just great.

Shin looked at Hiyori’s profile. Their discord profile was more detailed than their twitter profile. Their profile picture was of a green-haired anime boy Shin didn’t recognize. Their status was probably song lyrics, but Shin didn’t recognize which song they were from. Their bio in particular caught Shin’s eye, though.

「Hiyori / 15 / He/Him pronouns / Diagnosed BPD」

So Hiyori was about a year older than him, alright. And he had BPD.. 

Shin himself didn’t have much knowledge on mental disorders—or personality disorders, on that note—but it was something that interested him. In the past, Shin had entertained the idea that he might have DID. In his perspective, it would explain so much. All the time he loses, the reason he “dissociates”, things he does that he doesn’t remember doing.. But in the end, that’s just grasping at straws, isn’t it? Shin is just a hormonal teenager trying to explain away the things he doesn’t see as normal, right? 

Shin accepted the friend request.

Within the minute, Hiyori had already sent his first message.

Hiyori: “Helloo ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “u really like the ^^ huh”

Hiyori: “Ah! You noticed ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “yea”

shinny꩜꩜: “why do u talk like that”

Hiyori: “Like what?”

shinny꩜꩜: “like u capitalize ur letters and u type out you and shit”

Hiyori: “Can I not be grammatically correct? Sad…”

shinny꩜꩜: “-_-”

Hiyori: “You seem quite annoyed at me…”

Hiyori: “How was your day?”

Was this guy really 15, Shin wondered. He typed like an adult and seemed almost interested in the way Shin found it weird.

shinny꩜꩜: “stressfull i guess??”

shinny꩜꩜: “im so fucking tired of school”

Hiyori: “Aren’t we all?”

Hiyori: “It’s unreasonable for our futures to depend on what we do in our most immature ages.”

This guy is probably an adult, Shin decided, but he decided to entertain their conversation either way.

shinny꩜꩜: “u talk alot like an adult -_-”

Hiyori: “I’m not talking, silly, I’m typing!”

Hiyori: “But really, do I? I assume I talk normally”

Hiyori: “Is it bad to want to type in a grammatically correct way?”

shinny꩜꩜: “no but u get it”

Hiyori: “I honestly don’t!”

shinny꩜꩜: “¬_¬”

Hiyori: “You hurt my feelings, Shin!”

Why is Hiyori talking like they were close friends? He barely knows this guy, and from one conversation he’s come to the conclusion that Hiyori is either lying about being a minor or is simply very weird.

shinny꩜꩜: “good u shuld be hurt”

Hiyori: “Gah! So horrible to little ol me!”

shinny꩜꩜: “punch punch punch”

Hiyori: “Aagh! You wound my heart, Shinny...”

shinny꩜꩜: “dont fucking call me that”

Hiyori: “It’s your name, no?”

shinny꩜꩜: “ya but its only for close close friends”

Hiyori: “Oh, understandable.”

Hiyori: “I’m sorry.”

shinny꩜꩜: “its??? okay??? i guess”

Hiyori: “Thank you!”

shinny꩜꩜: “geez ur weird” 

Hiyori: “Sorryy.. Can’t help it! ;P”

Shin didn’t know how to respond. Rather, he didn’t want to respond. He went back on Twitter and looked at Hiyori’s account, specifically looking at their mutuals. He was shocked to see 🥞, or rather, Maple. As oomfs, they weren’t that close. They were in a few servers together and they talked one-on-one sometimes, but that was it. Shin knew Maple was also diagnosed with BPD, but Hiyori doesn’t seem like the type of guy Maple would be interested in. 

Shin took a screenshot of Hiyori’s twitter profile and discord profile. Then, he sent a message to Maple.

shinny꩜꩜: “hey maple”

🥞: “shinny!! ^^ haiii”

Shin sent the screenshots of Hiyori’s profiles, along with the message “do u know this guy?”

Maple responded almost immediately.

🥞: “!!!!!! thats croomf!!!!!!”

shinny꩜꩜: “huh,,?????”

🥞: “aaaaaaaa hiyori is so cool i love him so much ^^!!!!”

🥞: “whyre u asking??”

shinny꩜꩜: “he followed me and immediately started messaging me”

shinny꩜꩜: “wiat so is he actually 15”

🥞: “mhm!! he just talks like that cuz he likes to ^^”

🥞: “hes so sweet i love him smmmmmm”

shinny꩜꩜: “hes kinda weird”

🥞: “he so tiny and weirddddd”

shinny꩜꩜: “okay man ¬_¬”

So Hiyori isn’t an adult? That’s.. shocking to say the least. Shin did imagine that Hiyori might just be a weirdo, but he thought it was only a tiny chance! But Hiyori is actually fifteen! By the way Maple talks about him, he would assume that they’ve seen eachother’s faces and talk rather often. Shin did know that Maple had a burner where she talked to and about her crushes and/or boyfriends, so that’s why he hasn't heard of him before..

In the small time he was talking to Maple, Hiyori had bombarded him with messages.

Hiyori: “Won’t you respond, Shin?”

Hiyori: “Shin? Are you there? Hello? I can see you’re online.”

Hiyori: “Shiiiiiiiiiin?”

Hiyori: “Hey!!”

Hiyori: “Surely you aren’t ignoring me?”

Hiyori: “So mean!”

shinny꩜꩜: “geez i was gone for like 2 mins ¬_¬”

Hiyori: “There you are!”

shinny꩜꩜: “why r u so attatched to me lol”

Hiyori: “I’m not attached to you. I just don’t like being ignored.”

shinny꩜꩜: “i wasnt ignoring u”

shinny꩜꩜: “just asking sum1 else abt u”

Hiyori: “Oh? Who did you ask?”

shinny꩜꩜: “wuldnt u like to know”

Hiyori: “No need to hesitate, I know it’s Maple”

Hiyori: “She told me about it”

That idiot.

Hiyori: “Are you really that curious about me, Shin?”

shinny꩜꩜: “yeah”

shinny꩜꩜: “ur kinda weird”

Hiyori: “Didn’t you call me that already?”

shinny꩜꩜: “doesnt make it wrong ¬_¬”

Hiyori: “You sure do love that emoticon!”

shinny꩜꩜: “its so relatable”

Hiyori: “You really are cute, haha”

shinny꩜꩜: “???”

Hiyori: “Cutieee cutiee ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “LEAVE ME ALONE”

Shin closed his phone screen. He’s had enough today. It’s late too, 2AM since last Shin checked. And tomorrow is a Tuesday. So Shin better just go to sleep. Why were both Maple and Hiyori awake so late anyways? Who cares? Shin laid in bed and went to sleep.

Shin could barely sleep, as usual.

In the morning, Shin didn’t even check his phone. He immediately got up and ready for school. Which is telling considering how much Shin hates school. His grades were never great and Shin felt that he couldn’t change them, so he simply gave up.

Although Shin had to give in and slip a few glances at his phone during class. He just ignored the notifications from Hiyori, and focused on the people he was actually close to. But he can’t really avoid Hiyori forever, right? Even if he ignores him, Hiyori will probably find a way to clog up his inbox. So he inhaled and opened his DM’s from Hiyori.

Hiyori: “You’re so silly, hehe ^^” 

Sent at 1:47 AM yesterday—well, today, but Shin doesn’t really care. After that, Hiyori might’ve realized Shin had gone to bed, and sent:

Hiyori: “Goodnight ^^”

Talk about overuse.. Shin almost felt violated that Hiyori would send him a text like that, as if they’re close friends. To Shin, they will never be. 

As Shin scrolled through the previous night’s conversation, he felt strangely uneasy. Shin is no stranger to weird feelings, anxiety, amalgamations of emotion he can’t seem to grasp. This felt different. What Shin was feeling, in his understanding, wasn’t anxiety. It was more akin to a fight or flight response. Shin felt as if his entire body—his mind, his heart, his stomach—was telling him to run. If he wasn’t in class at the moment, he’d be running around his room trying to find a way to metaphorically flee.

But that’s just an overreaction, right? Shin, just like many his age who grew up on the internet, isn’t as mentally sound as he should be, and he’s very much aware of that. If he knows his own senses can’t be trusted, then who can he trust other than himself?

Shin caught himself with a hesitant, stupid smile on his face. He hadn't even read all of Hiyori’s messages and yet he already caught himself spiraling. It was so stupid, he couldn’t help but smile. If he kept acting like this, someone might notice and tell the teacher. He put his phone back in his pocket and stared up at the blackboard, not actually paying attention to class or understanding anything.

When the bell rang, he was one of the first to leave. He had nobody to talk to, no friends he’d like to hang out with. Instead, he made a detour to the bathroom, entered one of the stalls, and pulled out his phone. The first thing he was greeted with was an influx of discord notifications. Specifically, from the server he has with his closest friends.

nao(KITTEN): “dummyy dummyy :3”

reko(ALPHA): “ur 13 shouldnt u be in class”

nao(KITTEN): “ur 16 shuldnt u be dating sum1 ur age”

reko(ALPHA): “3 YEARS IS A NORMAL AGE GAP”

shinnyFAGGOT: “reko is a groomer? goat is washed?”

shinnyFAGGOT: “WHY AM I SHINNYFAGGOT”

nao(KITTEN): “ill change it”

shinny(SIGMA): “?”

shinny(SIGMA): “okay thats worse”

reko(GROOMF): “I AM NOT A GROOMER”

reko(GROOMF): “CHANGE MY NAME”

eggboy: “Tragic..”

shinny(SIGMA): “nobody cares abt ur autism”

eggboy: “?”

nao(kitten:3): “total kai obliteration”

eggboy: “What did I do.. So tragic”

shinny(SIGMA): “lets all beat kai to death”

eggboy: “?????????”

nao(kitten:3): “wiat”

nao(kitten:3): “okay”

eggfucker: “?”

eggfucker: “?????”

shinnysigma: “lmao eggfucker”

shinnysigma: “sum1 tell nao to stop changing our names lol”

nao(kitten:3): “total kai autism diagnosis”

reko(GROOMF): “just typing anything”

eggfucker: “My brother and I used to fry eggs and then throw them at each other while they were still in the pan. We were 7 and had no fear as we were both autistic.”

shinnysigma: “??????????”

「shinnysigma pinned a message to this channel. See all pinned messages.」

nao(kitten:3): “always talking abt eggs lets kill this guy”

eggfucker: “Bullying..”

Shin sent the screenshots he had taken of Hiyori’s profile the night prior.

shinnysigma: “this guy keeps messaging me hes so weird like i didnt respond within like 2 mins and he sent me like 6 messages”

shinnysigma: “also he sent me a goodnight message eevn tho weve only had one convo?? who does he think he is”

nao(kitten:3): “aww true love”

shinnysigma: “?? i am NOT touching thsi guy”

reko(GROOMF): “no one said anything abt touching him calm ur balls”

shinnysigma: “??? CALM UR BALLS???”

eggfucker: “Talk to him just be careful”

shinnysigma: “waow u guys r so helpful”

nao(kitten:3): “r u in class rn”

shinnysigma: “no im hiding in the bathroom cuz its lunchtime”

nao(kitten:3): “arent u gonna eat”

reko(GROOMF): “this guy really said lunchtime”

shinnysigma: “not eating #fasting”

eggfucker: “You’re religious?”

shinnysigma: “no im anorexic”

eggfucker: “Okay”

eggfucker: “Do you want an egg”

shinnysigma: “i am NOT taking an egg from eggfucker”

eggfucker: “☹️”

shinnysigma: “im going offline im so tired i dont wanna do anything”

Shin shut his phone and leaned on the wall of the bathroom stall, zoning out. His eyes glazed over as he stared at nothing in particular. It was quiet, and Shin truly felt alone. He really hadn’t noticed the ache in his stomach until he typed it out. He had to have been fasting for at least 16 hours now. Maybe he can sneak just a sip of soup, or maybe a candy? But what if he throws up? He’d rather not, bile feels awful against his teeth after he pukes. Why can’t he just be normal?

Before Shin comprehended the time that had passed, the bell rang again. Shin looked up as if there was a clock on the ceiling, but was met with nothing but grayness. He didn’t feel like moving. He didn’t feel like leaving the stall, walking all the way to his next class, sitting down.. He didn’t even feel like pulling his phone out and rotting. Even the sudden loss of energy was exhausting. Shin could feel it all, suddenly. He could feel the intensity of his eyebags that came about from not being able to sleep most nights. He could feel how uncomfortable wearing clothes is, how the fabric felt against his body. He could feel every strand of hair touching his neck, even if his scarf fully covered it. He suddenly felt warm, he could feel the sweat forming and dripping down his forehead, his neck, his back. He blinked. Everything was going black.

And when he came to again, he was sitting in his seat in his classroom. And everything was normal except for the uncomfortable heat around his neck. Which is strange, because heat for Shin is usually the opposite of uncomfortable. All of his thoughts were something along the lines of “what the fuck just happened?”. 

His own voice rang out in his head, “You puked, Shin”. But Shin felt like he wasn’t the one thinking. Were his thoughts his? Was the voice in his head really him? Shin started shaking, he felt like he was about to explode into a million pieces. His heart was beating faster than he has ever remembered and he couldn’t hear or feel anything around him. As if he was in a blank void, his proprioception as well as all of his senses gone. Is he dead, Shin wondered. Maybe he fell and broke his neck in that bathroom stall and this is some kind of weird limbo hell he was trapped in?

All the overwhelming sensations left as quickly as they came. Shin felt.. okay. He looked around, panicking. He thought everyone would be staring at him, trying to figure out what was wrong with him, but everyone was minding their own business and everything seemed normal.

Shin has always been like a ghost in his class, an invisible human. If he missed a day, it would be obvious that someone was missing, but nobody would be able to pinpoint who. And if he did miss a day, nobody would come up to him and ask why or where he was. Nobody bothered with someone like him, so it was expected for nobody to care when he was struggling or even if he was sick in the middle of class. So why did it hurt so much?

Shin is used to not being noticed. Nobody but his parents and people on the internet have taken time out of their day to notice him, talk to him, praise him. And that was okay, because he didn’t want or care for attention from others. So why does he feel like this right now? Hesitantly, he pulled out his phone and opened discord, sending a message to Hiyori.

shinny꩜꩜: “omfg the worst thing thats ever happened to me just happened”

Hiyori: “Oh? Shin? Aren’t you supposed to be in class at this hour?”

Hiyori responded almost immediately.

shinny꩜꩜: “shuldnt u ¬_¬”

Hiyori: “I am in class! I just couldn’t resist talking to you ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “siiigh”

Hiyori: “Well? What happened, Shin?”

shinny꩜꩜: “okay so i was in the school bathroom and suddenly i was feeling tired and everything was overwhelming and i could feel everything and suddenly i blacked out and i heard the voice in my head say that i puked and when i woke up i was in class and suddenly i felt like i was in an abyss and i didnt have any of my senses adn i couldnt feel anything and then everything felt fine??? idkkk”

Hiyori took a second to respond.

Hiyori: “That sounds worrying. Do you have anyone in your (real) life you could tell?”

How helpful.

shinny꩜꩜: “i guess my parents?? or my school nurse”

Hiyori: “Try telling them. This might be a serious health issue, Shin! You can’t ignore your health!”

Hiyori: “Make sure to stay warm, eat healthy, and drink enough water!”

shinny꩜꩜: “hiyori im anorexic ¬_¬”

Hiyori: “!!!!!!!!!!”

Hiyori: “That’s horrible! Your weight doesn’t matter, Shin! You need to eat healthy! There’s nothing wrong with being fat, anyways!”

shinny꩜꩜: “im not fat loll #bmi13”

Hiyori: “WHAT?!”

Hiyori: “That’s extremely unhealthy!”

Hiyori: “If I ever suspect that I see you in real life I’ll take you out on a date and feed you until you pass out!!”

If Shin wasn’t so desperate for attention, he would’ve thought that was weird. But at the time, he couldn’t stop smiling. He wanted to giggle like a baby playing peekaboo.

shinny꩜꩜: “hehehehehe”

shinny꩜꩜: “shuld i tell the school nurse so i can get out and go home and talk to u more”

Hiyori: “You should tell the nurse because you’re sick and shouldn’t be in class!”

shinny꩜꩜: “hheeehhehehehehehehehehehe”

Hiyori: “You might get someone else sick if you stay! Plus, who’d rather be at school than at home?”

shinny꩜꩜: “i wanna go home an see my plushies (´ ˘ `)”

Shin felt weirdly happy. Ecstatic, euphoric, exhilirated even. And it was really out of nowhere. Shin didn’t feel like himself. He felt like he wasn’t controlling his body, he was watching himself move from his point of view but he wasn’t in control.

Hiyori: “You have plushies? How cute!”

shinny꩜꩜: “hehehehehehe yeah i have so many cute plushies on my bed they watch me sleep and guard me hehehehheeh”

Hiyori: “Maybe I can guard you too! Haha ^^”

Hiyori: “Have you gone to the nurse’s office yet?”

shinny꩜꩜: “no im gunna wait till break cuz i dont wanna get up in the middle of class”

Hiyori: “Okay, just take care. Talk to you later ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “ttyl ♡♡♡♡♡♡”

Truly, Shin didn’t want Hiyori to go. He wanted more attention, more worry. It felt nice having Hiyori hover over him, worried about his health. It felt like a mother’s love. It was a complete change from yesterday, he felt a need for Hiyori to see him and feel for him and worry about him and care for him and— Shin took a deep breath. Even if he wasn’t talking out loud, he felt like he needed to inhale. He looked at the time, this period should be ending soon. He needs to go back home and talk to Hiyori as soon as possible.

The bell rang sooner than Shin expected. He got up and walked to the nurse’s office with way more energy than a sick person could have. He toned it down before opening the door.

“Miss..?” Shin looks around. “Ah.. I’m not feeling well.. Earlier I— I threw up.. and I feel really hot.. Like I have a fever..”

“Oh my..!” The nurse gasped out. Shin made his way over to one of the beds and sat down, awaiting examination.

The nurse took his temperature as well as asking him the basic questions, and as it turns out, Shin had a fever. And of course, he was allowed to leave. As soon as he got home, he took his shoes off and laid in bed.

He pulled out his phone and sent a message to Hiyori.

shinny꩜꩜: “im home :3”

Hiyori: “That’s good! You should get some rest now”

Hiyori responded, fast as always.

Shin held one of his plushies close, a cute kitty that he had pulled from a claw machine. He positioned his phone above him and made a cute, clueless-looking expression (that’s what guys are into, right?) all before snapping a photo and sending it to Hiyori with the message:

shinny꩜꩜: “i have a fever gghhhhh

It took a moment for Hiyori to respond. 

Hiyori: “That’s you? You’re so cute!”

He also sent a photo, seemingly of himself. He looked like the anime boy he had in his profile picture, almost like he drew it or commissioned it to look like himself. He was wearing a school uniform and with the angle of the photo, it was obvious that Hiyori was in school and trying not to get caught on his phone. He was quite a handsome guy for his age.

shinny꩜꩜: “wait ur pfp is supposed to be u?!?!?”

Hiyori: “Yep! I drew it myself ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “꩜_꩜”

Hiyori: “Hehe! You’re so cute suddenly!”

Hiyori: “It’s completely opposite to how you were acting yesterday.”

shinny꩜꩜: “well i want attention today!!!!!!!”

shinny꩜꩜: “im sick plz nurse me back to health :3”

Hiyori: “Haha! You really are adorable. Pat pat pat!”

shinny꩜꩜: “hehheheheheheh pet me pet meee”

Hiyori: “Also, make sure to eat ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “im not hungry ¬_¬”

Hiyori: “I don’t care, you’re underweight so you should eat.”

shinny꩜꩜: “¬_¬¬_¬¬_¬ fine cuz im sivk ill tell my mom to make me corn potage”

Hiyori: “Good! ^^ I have to get back to class now. Talk later?”

shinny꩜꩜: “yess :3 bai”

Well there goes 16 hours down the drain. All for some guy.. Shin could really go for some corn potage though, sick or not. Soup was basically the only thing Shin could eat without throwing up. Plus, Shin really likes corn. He went into his usual server.

shinnysigma: “everyone i have a big announcement”

shinnysigma: “i have a fever and will prob be staying homw this week”

eggfucker: “We know you’re gay, there’s no need to come out”

eggfucker: “Oh”

eggfucker: “Get better soon and make sure to eat, drink, and sleep well”

nao(kitten:3): “awwweee get better soon stay in bed and rest ^^”

reko(GROOMF): “stay in bed u deserve some rest”

shinnysigma: “thanks guys!!!”

shinnysigma: “probably gonna take a nap now goodbye”

Shin shut his phone. He felt happy that he had friends that were friends who appreciated him and wished him a swift recovery. He came to love his little group of losers. Shin pressed the stomach of the stuffed cat he was holding, causing it to meow. He pressed again and again and again. The type of things he did only when he was alone. But it did get Shin thinking. Why was he so different sometimes? 

Sometimes Shin was a complete recluse, not wanting to talk to anything or anyone in person and being critical of everything and everyone. But other times, he felt cutesy and adorable, like a little boy or those camboys that pretend to be cute and helpless for their audience. But Shin knows he isn’t pretending. When he feels cute, Shin craves attention and praise. He likes being babied and cared for. But when he feels like his regular self, Shin doesn’t want to talk to anyone but his close friends and is generally mean-spirited.

..And there’s a side of him he doesn’t like thinking about. Sometimes, Shin wakes up feeling that life is completely worthless and that he should just.. jump off the school’s rooftop. But Shin is too afraid of pain and death to do something like that. So he just cuts himself. The cuts from razor blades are easy to hide with his jacket and the excuse that it’s too comfortable to take off. The cutesy side of him hates it, because scars make him seem less clueless and innocent. If someone he was interested in saw those scars, they’d realize he’s not the innocent, adorable boy he makes himself out to be, but that he also has dark thoughts and does horrible things to himself.

Shin felt like these parts of himself weren’t really himself. Whenever he felt cutesy or suicidal, he also felt empty. Like he wasn’t in control of his own body or his own thoughts, but rather he was watching himself from a first person point of view. It made him angry. He squeezed the stuffed kitty tightly. Why was he always so different? Why can’t he just be a normal kid with normal thoughts and normal feelings and normal friends? Why does he have to gag at the thought of talking to people in person or showing his feelings to anyone or eating?

Shin checked his phone again. Hiyori had sent him another message.

Hiyori: “I’m out of class now (break), want to talk?”

Shin responded as fast as he could.

shinny꩜꩜: “yes!!!!!!!”

Hiyori: “Oh? Someone sounds excited.”

shinny꩜꩜: “im just so lonelyyyy”

Hiyori: “I was wondering”

Hiyori: “Are you perhaps suicidal?”

shinny꩜꩜: “?????!!????”

shinny꩜꩜: “y r u asking?!??”

Hiyori: “Because your username on Twitter is shinnytai.”

shinny꩜꩜: “oh (ᵕ—ᗜ—)”

Hiyori: “So if you feel like you want to die or anything like that, please tell me. Okay?”

shinny꩜꩜: “okay..꩜_꩜”

Hiyori: “Also, feel free to call me now if you want.”

Shin didn’t hesitate to take him up on that offer. He pressed the call button on the top right of the screen and called Hiyori. 

He seemed to be inside his school’s restrooms, but it was strange that he had his camera on. 

“Well hello~ Won’t you show your face?”

“Well— I’d rather not..”

“Haha~ A cute voice for a cute boy!”

“A— ah.. Well.. You have— a nice voice too!”

“Are you resting, Shin?”

“Yeah.. I’m in bed!”

“That’s good! Have you eaten yet?”

“N— no.. My mom’s kinda busy and she hasn’t checked up on me yet..”

“Oh? Then just go tell her yourself!”

“I can’ttt.. Too tired..”

“Oh my dear Shin! Maybe you should give me your address so I can come over and cook for you!”

“A— ah..”

“That’s a joke, of course. Don’t give your address out to people on the internet! That’s dangerous, Shin!”

Shin couldn’t help but chuckle. He felt weird. Like the part of him that was empty was being filled while he was still conscious.

“I— I won’t.. Hehe..”

“Good! Be a good boy and get some rest, now.”

“I— I will, thank you, Mido— Uhm, Hiyori..”

“..Huh? What were you about to call me?”

“M— Midori– because you’re.. You’re green..” 

Shin could see Hiyori trying to hold in a laugh before he burst out laughing, putting his hand in front of his mouth and almost dropping his phone. Shin couldn’t tell if he felt horrible for calling Hiyori green or happy that he made Hiyori laugh.

“Haha—! Because– because I’m green..! You’re so sweet, Shin! Aha..”

“I— I’m sorry—”

“No, it’s okay! So cute! I’m green, haha..!”

“Ahh..” 

“Call me Midori as much as you want, okay? So cuteee..” Hiyori mused.

“Okay.. Hah.. I’m sorry..”

“It’s okay, Shin.”

Just then, Shin heard a school bell ring from Hiyori’s side of the call. They both quickly shared their goodbyes before Hiyori left the call, and so did Shin.

Shin buried his head in his pillow. Midori? What was he even thinking? What if he made Hiyori insecure by pointing out how green his hair is? Shin wished he could stop breathing. Shin never wanted to die, he just wanted to disappear. Stop existing, without having to die or feel pain or have anyone worry about him.

Shin made his way to the window in his room and opened it. He leaned on the windowsill, staring out into the sky and the neighbouring houses. At that moment, Shin was overtaken by an intense feeling of sonder. His friends were out there somewhere, Hiyori was probably out there somewhere sitting in class and maybe thinking about Shin. There are so many people, and a lot of them are probably struggling with the same issues Shin is struggling with. So why can’t he feel normal? 

A soft breeze hit Shin’s face, playing with his hair and chilling his fevered face. Shin felt like he was about to puke. Without even closing the window, he rushed to the bathroom and kneeled over the toilet. He kept gagging, but only a bit of bile came out. His stomach still hurt, probably because it was empty. There was a knock on the bathroom door, probably Shin’s mom who heard him running to the bathroom from downstairs. The door behind him slowly opened. Shin felt exposed, even as his mom rushed to his side to help him, promising to make him soup to feel better. 

He carried himself back to his room and dropped like a corpse onto his bed. He felt like he couldn’t move anymore, or else he’d die. He stared up blankly at the ceiling before turning to lay on his side. He didn’t feel tired, per se, but he couldn’t stop his eyes from shutting for a few seconds too long. He didn’t feel like he wanted to sleep, but he fell asleep anyways, without a single thought in his mind.

Chapter Text

When Shin woke up, Hiyori was on top of him. There was something dripping on him, something lukewarm, and some of it dripped into his mouth. It was blood. He felt it dripping on his chest. He was naked, and so was Hiyori. Hiyori leaned in and whispered in his ear, but Shin couldn’t understand what he said. Everything around them was red. He felt violated and hurt. His throat ached like he was about to throw up.

Shin sat up in his bed swiftly, panting and sweating. His room was dark, the only light being the moonlight from the window. It was night already? How long was Shin asleep for? And that horrid dream.. Did he just have a dream about Hiyori raping him, Hiyori raping him while they’re covered in blood? Shin gagged, he felt ready to throw up again. He ran to the bathroom and kneeled over the toilet.

He kept gagging and gagging, but nothing came out. Not even the bile that burns his throat. Even as he pushed and pushed and pushed, only saliva left his mouth. And this time, his mom didn’t enter the bathroom. As much as he hates to admit it, Shin finds the presence of his mom comforting. Every time he opened up to her, she’d baby him instead of lecturing him like Shin assumed would happen. But at night, Shin truly felt alone. 

There were some comforting presences Shin could depend on right now.. His friends, if they’re still awake. Or Hiyori, but thinking about him now only reminds Shin of that dream and makes Shin want to puke more.

Shin went back to his room. He noticed that his phone was on his night stand, not charging. He sighed out as he pulled on the charging cable and attached it to his phone. He opened discord and sent a message.

shinnysigma: “is any1 online”

nao(kitten:3): “hai why r u up at 4am”

shinnysigma: “why r u”

nao(kitten:3): “painting”

shinnysigma: “oh makes sense”

shinnysigma: “i had the worst fucking nigjtmare ever”

shinnysigma: “had a dream some1 was raping me while we were covered in blood”

nao(kitten:3): “oh”

nao(kitten:3): “that sounds horrible omg”

nao(kitten:3): “r u okay”

shinnysigma: “i wanted to throw up but nothing came out”

nao(kitten:3): “u shuld probably get sum rest”

nao(kitten:3): “and maybe talk to ur therapist??”

shinnysigma: “okay goodnight”

nao(kitten:3): “gudnight :3”

Even though it wasn’t much of a conversation, Shin felt relieved. Talking with his friends made him feel better, and Shin feels horrible thinking that he’s something special for realizing that. Everyone feels better after receiving support from their friends. Shin shut his phone and closed his eyes, and yet he couldn’t get any sleep until the sun rose. He heard his door opening and someone—most likely his mom—walking in then leaving, but he paid no mind to it and kept pretending to sleep. He’s not going to school either way, so why not just rest? Being on his phone too much gives him headaches.

He opened his eyes when his alarm clock rang, he forgot to turn it off yesterday. Next to his alarm clock on his bedside table, was a bowl of soup. It was still hot, Shin could see the steam coming from it. Corn potage.. His mom must’ve made it for breakfast before she left. Shin smiled, a look of fondness in his eyes. He picked up the soup spoon in the bowl and took a sip. Whenever Shin felt happy, the sun felt brighter and warmer as it hit him. As he stirred the soup for his own enjoyment, he took notice of the scars on his forearm. Some were thick and short, others thin but long, some paler than others. It was a bit sad, really. With scars like this, nobody would ever find him attractive.

He could just imagine it already. Laying in bed under the man of his dreams, undressing each other. Then that man notices Shin’s scars and starts getting dressed again. Nobody reasonable would want a scarred, broken boy to play with. Yet again, nobody in Shin’s life has ever been reasonable. Maybe there’s a handsome guy out there who thinks scars are the pinnacle of beauty. Would he ever be able to find a guy like that though? All the guys he knows in real life are assholes to say the least. 

Would Shin be like them if he wasn’t always on his phone, he wonders. Maybe, if Shin wasn’t always on his phone, he wouldn’t realize that he’s gay so soon, and maybe he’d get a girlfriend and a happy group of friends and he’d be content with his fulfilling life. Well, it probably wouldn’t be as fulfilling as Shin imagines. Something would definitely feel wrong but Shin wouldn’t be able to put his finger on it.

Shin checked his phone. Other than the conversations going on in that server, he got a one-on-one message from.. Kai?

kai: “Shin, I saw your message.”

Sent 5:04 AM.

kai: “I know that it feels horrifying to have intrusive thoughts”

kai: “So if you have any other horrible thoughts, feel free to share with me”

kai: “I promise I won’t shy away”

Shin couldn’t help but blush at the thought of someone caring about him.

shinny꩜꩜: “thank u kai”

shinny꩜꩜: “i promise i will”

Shin sent the message. He kicked his feet in excitement as he read the messages over and over again.. It was strange how sometimes Shin got all giddy over the slightest bit of affection. His smile was wide and he couldn’t feel cuter, despite the context. He got up and walked to the bathroom, then started staring at himself in the mirror, but he didn’t feel like he was the person staring back at him. His eyes were red from lack of sleep and tears and he had bags under them. His hair was tangled and strands were flying all over the place, but his cheeks were rose red from blush, making him look like an insane person. He giggled. He wasn’t cute, wasn’t cute at all! How could this be? Shin obviously had to be the epitome of cuteness, even while struggling, so this is unacceptable to him.

Shin rushed downstairs into the kitchen. Sweet and cute are basically the same thing, right? So to remain cute, Shin has to remain sweet. The best way to remain sweet is to gorge himself with candies. Chewy, sugary gummies that he hides away in one of the kitchen shelves. Whenever he felt that he wasn’t cute enough, he ate them with no limit. But unlike this time, he usually chewed them first. He shoved candy after candy in his mouth and swallowed until one got caught in his throat, forcing him to gag it out. And when one came out, he couldn’t stop himself from releasing the others too.

A mixture of unchewed gummies, saliva, and stomach acid spewed from Shin’s mouth. Unable to stop it, he watched as he dirtied his lap as well as the floor with puke. He felt utterly helpless and lost, not knowing what to do first. Maybe he should hide his stash of candies first? Clean up the puke? Change his pants?

He decided to go up to his room and hide the candies in a bedside cabinet next to his other coping mechanisms. A bunch of razor blades and a rabbit vibrator he had bought without his parents permission. Shin would love to cut right now, but there’s still a mess downstairs that needed to be cleaned up. And yet, the moment Shin sat on his bed, he didn’t feel like getting up. He knew he had to, if his mom came home to that mess she wouldn’t leave him alone until he admitted to why he wasn’t chewing and why he was eating so much candy. And being the horrible liar he is, she’d realize that he wasn’t doing the best to say the least and she'd probably check his phone, see everything, and take it away hoping to “help” him.

When Shin’s mental health had started declining, he assumed his phone would be his road to suicide. But now, he knows it’s the opposite. His phone was his safe space. His friends, the people he interacted with, they were all familiar and comfortable unlike the real world. If he was cut off from his friends, he’d be cut off from everyone. Even so, he couldn’t force himself to get up and clean.

And he still didn’t feel cute. He felt like a gross, disgusting vermin that had no right to exist. Maybe he should text the one person who gives him the kind of attention he wants. He picked up his phone.

Hiyori had sent him a good morning message, one he never saw because he surprisingly had managed to avoid checking his phone until right now, 10:23 in the morning. 

shinny꩜꩜: “hiyori”

shinny꩜꩜: “am i cute”

He waited for a response, it was painstaking but Hiyori responded in a few minutes.

Hiyori: “Shin? Don’t you know that I’m in class right now?”

Hiyori: “And of course you’re adorable.”

Shin quickly snapped a shaky photo of his scars and sent it to Hiyori.

shinny꩜꩜: “r my scars cute”

Hiyori: “...”

Hiyori: “Of course!”

Hiyori: “Every part of you is unmistakably adorable.”

Hiyori: “Especially your scars!”

Hiyori: “They’re so adorable, I absolutely love looking at them.”

Hiyori: “So don’t cut yourself more, okay? Your scars are as cute as can be!”

shinny꩜꩜: “im not dumb hiyori ¬_¬”

Hiyori: “You’re not cutting yourself again, unless I’m there to cut for you!”

shinny꩜꩜: “????”

Hiyori: “I’m a bit of a sadist myself, Shin”

Hiyori: “Your scars are quite lovely to look at ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “oh my fucking god”

Hiyori: “Really, having someone else cut you is like losing your virginity! ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “do u even sh”

Hiyori: “Not in particular. I just can’t see myself enjoying something like that!”

Hiyori: “I hate feeling pain.”

shinny꩜꩜: “oh fuck i forgot to change pants”

Hiyori: “Oh?”

shinny꩜꩜: “i threw up earlier”

shinny꩜꩜: “no dirty thoughts”

Hiyori: “Why did you throw up? Are you okay?”

shinny꩜꩜: “ate too much candy without chewing”

Hiyori: “How childish!”

Shin didn’t feel like he was in the correct headspace for this. He sent a photo of his open “coping” drawer to Hiyori.

shinny꩜꩜: “take ur pic lol”

Hiyori: “Is that a vibrator? How did you get your hands on that?”

shinny꩜꩜: “i bought it in secret with my pocket money lolz”

Hiyori: “Do you actually use it? How does it feel? I usually just use my hands.”

shinny꩜꩜: “it feels??? good i guess???”

Hiyori: “Sorry! Just curious”

Hiyori: “You shouldn’t be sending sexual content to someone you met three days ago.”

Hiyori: “Also, you said you were anorexic, but binging then puking is a bulimic thing? Not to be insensitive.”

shinny꩜꩜: “i dunno i go to a psychologist but everything is kinda self diagnosed”

Hiyori: “Oh”

Hiyori: “Well, just take care, Shin.”

Hiyori: “Feel free to text me if you feel rough.”

shinny꩜꩜: “tyyy”

shinny꩜꩜: “i felt ugly so i ate a lot of sweets to make me cuter but i didnt chew so i just threw up all over the place”

Hiyori: “Why? You’re the cutest boy ever!”

shinny꩜꩜: “i looked in the mirror and i wasnt me i was ugly”

Hiyori: “That can’t be true”

Hiyori: “May I see a photo of you?”

Shin panicked for a moment before realizing that Hiyori would never insult him, especially not in a state like this. Hiyori might not be perfect, but he’s mature. More mature than anyone else he knows, at least. So he did his best to get up and snap a photo of himself in the mirror. He looked a bit like a child, with messy hair and in his pajamas. Shin was unsure what he wanted from Hiyori. Was he searching for a friend or a lover in Hiyori? Or maybe a brotherly presence to take care of him? Whichever it was, it was clear to Shin that he didn’t want to be on equal footing with Hiyori. 

Hiyori was a superior presence in Shin’s life, coming out of nowhere and making Shin depend on him the moment he felt in need. Even in such a short span of time, Hiyori had grown to be an important person to Shin. Hiyori’s support felt more like manipulation and that attracted Shin like a moth to a flame.

He purposefully tried to make himself look cuter. He tried to make his eyelids appear droopy and tired, he hunched over more than usual and he made sure at least some of the figures and plushies he owned were visible in the photo. As soon as he took a cute enough photo, he sent it to Hiyori.

shinny꩜꩜: “ugly monster uuuhggghhhh”

Hiyori: “Ugly monster? Where?”

Hiyori: “You’re so cute!”

shinny꩜꩜: “ur just saying that -_-”

Hiyori: “Nope! You’re so disgruntled! I’d love to pat your head”

Hiyori: “If you were my brother I would pull on your cheeks nonstop”

shinny꩜꩜: “big bro midori?”

Hiyori: “Literally 1984!”

shinny꩜꩜: “does that even make sesne”

Hiyori: “I don’t think so.”

shinny꩜꩜: “damn”

Hiyori: “But if I could be an older brother figure to you to bring you comfort then that’d make me really happy ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “thank uuuu”

shinny꩜꩜: “ur so kindd why r u like this”

Hiyori: “Why indeed? ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “ooouuurfhh”

Hiyori: “Did you sleep well today?”

shinny꩜꩜: “no i just close my eyes and have visions”

Hiyori: “Huh?”

shinny꩜꩜: “like i have dreams but not dreams its like im imagining things bcuz im not asleep and i dont get less tired”

Hiyori: “I understand, I think.”

Hiyori: “Would you fall asleep faster if I rocked you to sleep?”

shinny꩜꩜: “????????”

shinny꩜꩜: “huh”

Hiyori: “Too soon?”

shinny꩜꩜: “i guess????”

Hiyori: “All right then. I’ll take my time with flirting ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “FLIRTING???????”

Hiyori: “Too early, oops! ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “u wouldnt like my bedroom anywyas i always have the heater on its like 35 degrees in here”

Hiyori: “That’s too hot!! Why?”

shinny꩜꩜: “i hate the cold thats y im also wearing a scarf”

Hiyori: “How do you have a fever if a normal day for you is a heatwave? You should be immune!”

shinny꩜꩜: “realll -_- ngl idk if i prefer staying home or goijg to school i just so the same thing anyways”

Hiyori: “You seemed like the hikikomori type. I just hope you go outside when it’s not for school.”

shinny꩜꩜: “sometimes i do groceries and stuff ¬_¬”

Hiyori: “Good! Going outside even for just a walk can change your whole day ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “ur calling me a recluse arent u”

Hiyori: “Haha no!”

Hiyori: “By the way I mentioned to my friends how “someone online” (you) called me Midori because of my hair so now my nickname is Mori ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “wjat r u srs”

Hiyori: “Yep! ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “im jealous now y do u have friends”

Hiyori: “Oh?”

shinny꩜꩜: “my friends r NOT allowed to have friends that arent also my friends!!!!”

Hiyori: “Sorryyyyy!”

shinny꩜꩜: “pout pout pout”

Hiyori: “I promise I still care about you darling ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “DARLING?!?!?!?!?!”

Hiyori: “Too soon, okay.”

shinny꩜꩜: “uuuuurgghhh”

Shin fell onto his bed after shutting his phone. He maneuvered his legs around trying to take his dirty pajama pants off before giving in and pulling them off. The puke had now dried, it was hard and crumbly as he took his pants off and threw them across the room, landing on the floor. Despite the neat look, Shin’s room was dirty and many items were collecting dust without him cleaning. A stark difference to how Shin used to act, he thinks. Just two or so years ago, he’d wash his hands until it hurt and his skin started peeling. But Shin didn’t like thinking about the past, because it’s not something he can change. So he tried to push all thoughts from his mind.

The house was sickly silent. Shin doesn’t know if he prefers it this way. Noise makes him feel lonely, while silence reminds him of how lonely he truly is. The only sound he could hear was the clock ticking downstairs, loud considering the distance. He could also hear the sound of his phone buzzing, but he knows that it isn’t real as his phone is always on silent. It “buzzed” in a rhythm, once every second or so, and it annoyed Shin to the point he tried to cover his ears with his pillow. He knew it was fake, so why wasn’t it going away? Why did his mind insist on playing games with him? 

He doesn’t want to talk to Hiyori. He remembers now, how Hiyori had touched him that time. He can feel Hiyori’s arms on his body, how Hiyori had violated him again and again until Shin couldn’t protest anymore. How dirty and gross he felt when his body was covered in liquid. Was it water or was it sweat? Was it Hiyori’s sperm all over Shin’s body after being used again and again? But he hasn’t met Hiyori in real life before. So how can he remember all this?

It was a dream, Shin realizes. It was the dream he had today. The “vision” as he had described it to Hiyori. But that can’t be right, he could feel everything. He really could feel hands gripping his body, so hard that his hips bruise. He can feel how uncomfortable it was to be covered in that thick liquid, it makes him want to puke out the soup he had for breakfast. He could feel it, all of it.

If it isn’t something that happened in reality, but he’s still thinking about it so much, does that mean Shin is fantasizing? If Shin is fantasizing, wouldn’t that mean he should be enjoying this? If he wasn’t enjoying it, why would he be thinking of it in such detail? Maybe, deep down, he actually wanted this. Or was he just telling that to himself so that that awful, terrifying feeling could go away. If he convinced himself he liked it, then it wouldn’t be rape anymore, atleast in Shin’s eyes.

He spread his arms and legs out on his bed as much as he could and closed his eyes, trying to imagine. There was someone above him, and as much as Shin’s mind wanted it to just be a faceless gray extra like in the hentai he watched, it was Hiyori. He didn’t want it to be Hiyori, that felt just.. gross and wrong. Shin almost felt bad for Hiyori, even though the boy would never find out about this. Nobody will ever find out about Shin’s fantasies, and he’ll make sure of it.

Shin felt a hand grab his wrist. His eyes cracked open for just a moment, but there was nobody there. He shut his eyes again. The hands Shin imagined kept touching him all over his body until they finally reached his boxers. Shin pulled his own boxers down, imagining someone else was doing it for him. It felt wrong yet right at the same time. On one hand, Shin didn’t want this. Shin was always one to yearn for gentle love. He wanted to be held as his partner placed small kisses all over his face, lean into his partner’s chest as they bathed together, to love and be loved purely and gently. On the other hand, being violated—or imagining that he was—felt right. Like it was something fated for Shin, something he deserved but was missing from the start of his life.

His own voice berated him in his mind, and yet the ghost-touch didn’t stop. It called him all sorts of derogatory names; stupid, disgusting, gross, even whore came up. Was he a whore? Was he really as abnormal as he feels? A different version of his own voice reassured him that he wasn’t, even as he was still mentally insulting himself. Many people have strange fantasies or fetishes, some more dangerous than others. And when there’s people out there who have actually hurt others, why should it matter whatever Shin is doing? That’s the conclusion he came to.

It was overwhelming, though. The ghost feeling of being touched, his voice echoing through his head saying two different things at the same time. Shin desperately wants them to stop. He couldn’t contain his sobbing, he turned onto his side and curled into himself. He carelessly ripped the sheets from his bed and wrapped them around himself. His head—no, his entire mind felt hotter than ever before. He felt like his mind was some sort of industrial machine that was overheating from overuse. He even considered turning the heater off for a moment. But the sensation of being touched stopped. He was afraid that if he unwrapped the now-hot sheets from his body, that invisible presence would start touching him again.

It was all in his head. None of what he was feeling was real. He knew this, so why did it still feel so awful? Why can’t he just stop feeling this way? He felt gross, disguisting, awful, abhorrent, every adjective along those lines. He sat up, still neatly wrapped in the thin sheet that protected his dignity, opened the bedside drawer, and shoved more candies in his mouth from the bag. This time, he did his best to chew, he’d rather not throw up all over his bed. Maybe sweetness would make him feel better. And Hiyori. He should text Hiyori again. He’s only safe and cute when he’s talking to Hiyori.

shinny꩜꩜: “hiyori”

shinny꩜꩜: “help”

shinny꩜꩜: “please fucjing help me please i need help”

shinny꩜꩜: “@4sun4r0 help help help”

Hiyori: “Oh? I’m busy, Shin.”

shinny꩜꩜: “pleasse i can feel that some1s touchung me but nobidys touching me i feel like imgoing fucking isnane”

shinny꩜꩜: “please i can feel some1 fucking raping me it feels horrible help me helpnme help me”

shinny꩜꩜: “im alone theres nobody here nobody is touching me but i can feel ir i cna feel it all over my body its horrible i cant fucjing take it im gonna open my bedroom widnow and jump out”

shinny꩜꩜: “i swear if u dont talk to me n ill cut ill cut my arms until they have to rush me to the hospital but im home alone and ill die before my mom finds me”

Hiyori: “...”

shinny꩜꩜: “plz ill do anything ill sned u nudes ill cut myself to u ill touch myself and moan ur name plz plz plz just send me a voice memo call me anything please”

Hiyori: “Don’t do any of that. Ever.”

Hiyori sent a voice message. Shin played it immediately.

Hiyori was whispering. He was probably in public, but part of Shin was anxious that he wouldn’t want to be heard talking to someone like him.

“Shin. Listen to me. You are the cutest, most adorable boy I’ve ever talked to. If you ever harm yourself, I swear I’ll harm myself too. So don’t, okay?”

His voice was just as handsome as the first time Shin heard it. The reassuring content made Shin feel slightly better. Hiyori sent another voice message.

“I’m in the bathroom right now, I’m sorry for whispering. But please think. Don’t do anything rash. I’m right here, Shin.”

He sounded serious, determined to keep Shin safe. It warmed Shin’s heart how much Hiyori cared for him. A third voice message came through.

“I know this is strange to say, but I love you. I don’t think I have to explain in what way I mean it, but you shouldn’t die, Shin.”

Shin could feel his heart beating throughout his body. Love..? Love. From Hiyori. Love? Love. Even if Hiyori definitely means it like friends, or like an older brother and his favorite little brother. Shin wants to feel all of Hiyori’s love. Shin has always worked well autonomously, but in moments like this, he just wanted to be cared for and cradled until he couldn’t take it anymore. He imagined it to avoid his other thoughts, living a domestic, loving life with Hiyori. All the fantasies he had about being in a relationship, he imagined them again but with his partner being Hiyori. Even if it wasn’t—couldn’t be romantic. He barely noticed the fourth voice message Hiyori had sent.

“It’s quite strange to talk to someone you’ve only known for three days like this, isn’t it? But.. I do think of you as a friend, and I care for you. Even if we aren’t close time-wise, it still would hurt me if you hurt yourself while depending on me to help you. I have every chance to stop you and not doing so would make me feel like a failure. Selfish, aren’t I?”

Shin was quick to type out a response.

shinny꩜꩜: “no no ur not ur not selfish”

shinny꩜꩜: “ily i love you too ily so much”

shinny꩜꩜: “even if u mean it like a friend i still luv you”

shinny꩜꩜: “save me”

Hiyori: “Save you?”

shinny꩜꩜: “plz hiyori save me from myself”

shinny꩜꩜: “whenevr i get depressed i need attention and i need to feel cute”

shinny꩜꩜: “plz just keep talking to me and telling me im cute”

Hiyori: “Why are you so obsessed with being cute?”

shinny꩜꩜: “idkkkkkk i used to be so cute and now im so ugly and tired like a hag”

Hiyori: “You can’t be a hag, you’re only 14!”

shinny꩜꩜: “im so chopped holy shit”

Hiyori: “Start with eating healthy and sleeping more often. Sleep changes you!”

shinny꩜꩜: “i cant i just cant no matter how hard i try even if i try for you i just cant”

Hiyori: “If you keep thinking that you simply can’t, you’ll just be holding yourself back!”

shinny꩜꩜: “KILL ME”

Hiyori: “I don’t think I will be! ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “i wanna cut i wanna cut i wanna cut i wanna cut i wanna cut i wanna cut i wanna cut”

Hiyori: “Please don’t.”

Hiyori: “If you do, I’ll cut myself ten times deeper.”

shinny꩜꩜: “im sorry i love you im sorry”

Hiyori: “It’s okay, Shin. I love you too, little bro ^^”

Hiyori: “Try to sleep a bit. Or at least rest and take your mind off of this.”

Hiyori: “You like anime, right? So try to think about what you like more than what makes you uncomfortable.”

Hiyori talked about it like it was just so easy. Maybe it was, and Shin was just useless and couldn’t do anything Hiyori could. Maybe Hiyori was just above him, a superior presence in his life meant to guide him and save him. If Hiyori was his guardian angel, then he’d be satisfied. If he wasn’t, then he’d still be satisfied.

Still wrapped in a protective barrier of sheets, Shin laid in bed. He made sure to shut the bedside drawer so as to not get in trouble if anyone barges in and finds it open. If his parents found out about any of this, he’d be in so much trouble. His life would be ruined. Knowing how seriously they took their little boy’s health, they’d probably send him to a mental hospital if he even threatened to self harm, let alone actually do it. He couldn’t tell anyone, it wasn’t safe. He was only safe with his therapist and Hiyori. Even if his friends understand, he could never confess to anything. What if they made a callout post or something and he remained alone forever? What if Hiyori saw it and left him? Hiyori, being the amazing and reputable person he is, probably wouldn’t even want to think about someone deemed problematic.

(Hiyori must have a good reputation, since he has friends close enough to give him nicknames.)

Would his therapist even listen to him? Or would she just label him insane and prescribe him some medication that will make him feel numb, like he isn’t real. Is he real? Shin wouldn’t be shocked if he was the product of a shared delusion. But Shin would rather not ponder on something so important, he just wanted to go to sleep like Hiyori had told him. So he tried imagining something else.

Shin wasn’t the best at coding. But if one day he reached all his goals and became skilled and talented, he’d like to program a game. What would it be like, Shin wonders, to have people hyperanalyze every little thing he writes? And maybe he could convince Nao to illustrate it. It’d make Shin happy, writing a character just like him and putting himself in a visual novel for people to sexualize and torture. Nao probably wouldn’t want to draw him like that, though. And neither would Hiyori, because he wouldn’t want Shin to be used as fetish material. 

It would be nice, though. He could make an ending where he gets kidnapped and violated by the player, one where he ends his life, one where.. It would be good for him, actually, because it’s not him, it’s a character based off of him. So he can live all his fantasies without being hurt in reality. It’d be like a ragdoll. Instead of hurting himself, he could hurt a doll made to resemble him. That’s a smart idea, Shin praised himself, he could try that. But where would he even find a doll like that? He wouldn’t dare harm any of his plushies, they’re off the table for sure. Maybe he could commission someone, but with what money? If he asked his parents for money for a doll of himself, they’d be incredibly concerned to see it destroyed in any way. Maybe he could try and make one himself?

Shin never thought of picking up sewing, crocheting, or anything similar as a hobby. Like any action he wasn’t interested in, he considered it impressive but nothing else. But maybe it was time to start something new, right? Shin has to prepare himself. If he tries but isn’t great at it at first, he’ll get disappointed and have thoughts of quitting. But it’s only natural that something complicated would take time to improve and become skilled. If it takes so much time, maybe the Shin doll wouldn’t be ready in a time of need, and it would all be useless. Maybe he could ask someone for advice later.

Shin could already feel himself getting drowsy. Even if he was drowsy and tired, it was hard for him to sleep. Shin often has thoughts like these before resting, thoughts of improving his life and becoming a better person. But it never happens, and probably never will.

Still stressed and with thoughts rushing through his tired head, Shin drifted off to sleep.

Shin was woken up by a hand on his shoulder, shaking him. He groaned before rubbing his eyes then looking up at the person who woke him up. It was his mom, looking at him with a concerned gaze. Judging by the fact that his mom is home, it should be at least afternoon now, but his dad shouldn’t be home yet.

“Shin? Are you awake, darling?” His mom asked in a weirdly sweet voice. Shin was sure now, she had seen the puke. But he tried to appear calm and confused, which he was, considering he just woke up. 

“Mmh.. Mom..? I’m upp..”

He lazily sat up, making sure the sheet didn’t fall off his shoulders. He sure hadn’t forgotten that cursed sensation.

“How do you feel right now?”

“Uhm..? Bored, I guess..? And.. a bit tired.”

“Shin, darling, be honest, did you throw up?”

Shin froze up. If his mom wasn’t sure if he was the cause of the probably smelly, now stone hard puke on the kitchen floor, she definitely was sure now. Shin’s reaction was telling enough.

“..Y— yes..” Shin’s voice was shaking, but he didn’t think he was able to lie in a situation like this. Even if he wanted to, he’d find his voice shaky and unsure.

“Those candies, Shin..” His mom moved slowly, wrapping her arms around Shin’s body and pulling him closer. She moved his bangs from his forehead and put her palm against it to see his temperature. Shin felt burning hot, but he wouldn’t dare unravel himself from his protective shell. “Why didn’t you chew them?”

Shin couldn’t stop the tears leaving his eyes. He was never a silent crier, always weeping and sobbing uncontrollably. Today was no exception, he trembled like a leaf despite his abnormal body temperature. His mom was keen on comforting him, saying things like "It's okay”, “Take your time”. But in his current state, Shin could not respond. He could feel his mom’s hand on his back, and it felt horrible but he couldn’t push it off. Shin didn’t want to be touched at all, it scared him. He felt that he was being sensitive, like a startled rodent or a deer who just heard a twig snap, but there was nothing he could do to change how he felt. 

Shin didn’t feel like himself anymore, and his mind didn’t feel empty. He could feel pressure in his brain, like it was an enclosure with thick walls and a small creature was running around inside of it. And suddenly nothing around him felt real. He didn’t feel real. Everything felt fake, simulated. He didn’t—couldn’t stop crying. Even in this physical contact averse state, he desperately clung onto anything that could anchor him to this world, that being his mom. Shin doesn’t like feeling like this, he wishes he could feel normal feelings and not what he feels now. 

“You’re burning up, darling.. Haven’t you taken any medicine today?” Right. Shin should’ve taken medication that’ll make his fever go down—medication that he didn’t remember the name of—to recover. He neglected that too, just like everything. Shin feels like the most useless person to have ever existed. He wants to explain himself, but he knows that his mom wouldn’t force him to talk if he didn’t want to or just couldn’t. 

Shin’s mom stood up and left the room. Her goal most likely wasn’t to leave Shin alone, but Shin did feel like it was. He felt that he was so pathetic that not even his mom wanted to stand by him in his time of need. But she quickly returned with a cup of water and a pill, probably tylenol. She brought only one pill and not the whole bottle, Shin noticed. It’s the small things, really.

Shin took the medication as soon as his mom set it on the bedside cabinet. He gulped down more water than he needed, that combined with the pill made his stomach feel bloated. He had calmed down a bit, but he was still sobbing and shaking. 

What is Hiyori doing now, Shin wondered. Someone like Hiyori, with an existent social life and being someone who pays attention in class, was probably at an extracurricular or hanging out with friends. The complete opposite of Shin, it’s a wonder that Hiyori wanted to talk to him, let alone that Hiyori said he loves him and sees him as a little brother. He wishes he knew Hiyori in real life. He wishes he could grab onto his arm and be guided by him, like a child would do with their guardian. It’s really unfair that someone so important could be born far away from Shin. If he was at the wrong place at the wrong time, he might’ve never met Hiyori. That would just be fate, but fate is unfair. If his fate states that he could never meet Hiyori in real life, then he would gladly defy it. 

“Want to talk about it, Shin?” His mom tried to question him. He wanted to talk, but he hesitated. His mouth opened for a small moment, then shut just as quickly. Shin looked away, unable to keep eye contact, maybe it was from embarrassment. Even if his mom won’t know—he will make sure nobody ever finds out—about what happened, his fantasies, his newfound infatuation with Hiyori, he feels a bubbling sense of guilt in his throat. His parents thought he was just a shy, lonely boy who struggled with mental issues due to unforeseen circumstances. It was tragic because they did nothing wrong. This too is just a cruel trick of fate. His parents could do everything in their power to raise him correctly and yet lose to something out of their control. Maybe his whole existence was fate’s cruel game. He tried to catch himself in his thoughts, because up until this moment, he didn’t believe in fate.

“..N— No.” He answered, monolectic. 

“..Alright. But don’t bottle it up, okay? I’m worried, sweetheart.” Even if her voice was gentle and reassuring, Shin couldn’t help but wonder if she was secretly frustrated. Shin knows he would be, if out of all the kids he was stuck with the defective one. But he still had hope that his parents didn’t view him as defective or abnormal. 

Shin nodded, a whine leaving his closed mouth. At a time like this, he’d much rather be left alone. His head is starting to hurt despite his fever lowering, and his eyes want to close. He can hear his stomach rumbling but he’d gag even at the thought of eating. He can feel the water from a few minutes ago in his throat, though he knew he wouldn’t throw it up. Shin, by all means, is exhausted. 

He laid down on his bed—a queue for his mom to leave his room, which she did. He turned to lay on his side, torn between sleeping and talking to Hiyori. Although he’d like to talk to Hiyori again, he couldn’t stop his heavy eyelids from closing. Before he knew it, he was snoring away.

That night, Shin dreamt that he was a character in an anime-style rhythm game. He didn’t recognize any of the characters in the unit with him, except for the unit leader who bore uncanny resemblance to Hiyori. When he woke up, he didn’t realize it was all a dream, just like how he didn’t realize yesterday. When he finally thought deeply about his life and remembered it was all a dream, it left him with an aftertaste of disappointment and emptiness in his dry mouth.

Chapter Text

Hiyori’s routine has always been strict clean-cut, no questions asked and no hesitation on what to do. Every day, he wakes up at 5:30 AM regardless of how long he slept the night prior and takes a thirty-minute shower. By the time he finishes, his parents are up and running, as they wake up before him. He has no clue what time they wake up or go to sleep, the only time he sees them in his day is in the mornings before school. The breakfast he eats daily is quintessential, he doesn’t dare waste even one bite. The way every grain of rice is perfectly cooked–not burnt yet cooked enough to not be sticky, giving it just the right texture. The delicious miso soup that steams even after he’s done with the rice–with more salt than usual, enhancing the already flavorful soup into perfection. The plate of salted salmon that sits behind the two bowls, the skin pink and glistening–just like everything else in his breakfast, it's delicious and full of nutrients, a testament to his mom’s culinary skills and the perfect way to start the day. All three people sitting at the kitchen table are eating the same meal, just like yesterday. 

After eating breakfast, Hiyori goes back up to his room to get dressed. As he takes his pajamas off, he couldn’t help but feel drawn to the scar in the middle of his body, just under his ribcage. As much as Hiyori would not like to focus on it, he couldn’t help focusing on his body when he was bare in front of his mirror. His skin was pale and smooth and he made a point to remove his body hair, so the unnatural placement and appearance of the brown scar. It had no meaning to Hiyori anymore, everything in his past was just an unserious joke to share to whoever’s interested. “I was raised in a cult.”

His school uniform is neatly ironed from the day before. Not a single part of his outfit is misplaced or out of its usual order. His bag has been prepared the night before and is readily picked up, but it’s placed right onto Hiyori’s office chair. He makes his bed, not a single wrinkle on the covers he had oh-so-carelessly cocooned himself in the night prior. It was his guilty pleasure, covering every inch of his body with the warm, familiar, thick and furry covers of his bed as he slept. Everything in his life is and always has been thoroughly planned out, so he savors the small drops of freedom he gets. After making his bed, he picked up his schoolbag and went downstairs.

There never was a need to say goodbye before leaving, as there wasn’t anyone to say goodbye to. Hiyori’s parents left as he got dressed and he was the one who locked the house, firmly shoving the keys in his schoolbag’s left pocket, along with his phone, which was always fully charged from the night before. The walk to his school was always the same. He always took the same route, only walking through populated streets, watching businesses open their doors. Sometimes a classmate of his would pass by on their bike and Hiyori would wave, but that specific boy would always be going too fast to notice Hiyori.

Hiyori attended a private boys academy. The environment was strict, the gates narrow and always competitive. Losing focus in a school like this could lead to Hiyori’s life being ruined. But that didn’t matter to Hiyori. After all, everything lost meaning to Hiyori long ago.

His little routine was fun to keep up with and his mother’s food truly was delicious. He savored his walks in the morning and his returns as the sun set. He liked how responsible, how in control he felt taking care of all the chores in the house. But it all fell short somewhere. There was something missing in Hiyori’s life, and that was unexpectedness. Every little thing in his life has been planned out for as long as he can remember, for better or for worse. 

They’re all planned out so that he can have a guide on what to do, so he doesn’t have a psychological break and end his life. Hiyori knows this, yet he still values his neat, routine life. 

Even if parents know Hiyori is a risk, that doesn’t mean they acknowledge his diagnosis. In fact, Hiyori believes they don’t acknowledge him at all. As long as Hiyori keeps up the image of a well-disciplined boy past his years in maturity, they don’t bother with him at all. Still, Hiyori keeps his grades high and his head higher. He doesn’t want to disappoint his parents, after all.

Maybe this never-changing daily routine caused Hiyori’s deviations. He portrayed himself as someone too sophisticated for relationships, focused on more important things than romance. But in reality, his attractions strayed from the norms. Hiyori was attracted to cute boys. He liked watching them suffer and break under his will. 

It started when he was eleven and on his computer. Even after four years, his room looks majorly the same as back then. He was searching through a website to watch anime, when he came across a 15-or-so minute video that seemed strange. Hiyori was always a strange kid. The horrid and unknown beckoned him more than other kids, even those who suffered the same childhood as him. He watched with intrigue and pleasure as the video’s protagonist was brutally beaten, before being assaulted by the faceless, gray side character. That sent him down a rabbit hole of discovering himself in ways he didn’t think possible at the time.

His interests have branched out since then. He indulged himself in adult games and torture porn nearly on a daily basis, to the point where that too had started to feel routine. He discovered his attraction to cute boys and the desire he had to watch them get tortured, violated, raped until they can’t move. Hiyori has no doubt that at least one or two of all the horrid videos he’s watched in the span of four years was actual rape, no actors. And as much as he’d hate to admit it, it turns him on even more. 

Perhaps that’s why he got so involved in online spaces, and maybe that’s why he was so obsessed with Shin. He did feel a sense of attachment to that boy, a brotherly bond formed through Shin relying on him for attention. That was precisely why Hiyori took pleasure in watching him. Of course, every drop of concern he had about the boy was real, but his motives were selfish. Hiyori didn’t want Shin to die because he wasn’t done playing with him yet, that’s what he told himself. Hiyori thought it impossible for him to truly love someone.

Hiyori zoned out during the first period, because he knew that even if the teacher called on him, he’d know the answer. School is meaningless to him because there’s nothing left to learn, these are all just pleasantries before he gets to the real deal. He dug into his mind and imagined gory scenes, some involving characters he made up in his mind and some involving Shin. These fantasies had become so commonplace for Hiyori that he didn’t even feel aroused. It was simply a dopamine burst for Hiyori to enjoy. 

He imagined himself as a surgeon and Shin as the patient on the operating table under him. Shin’s stomach is cut open and his guts are on display for Hiyori to admire. His expression is calm and resting, he’s strapped on the operating table and he doesn’t know what’s happening to his body. Hiyori digs his gloved finger deep into the space between the curls of the boy’s intestines, effectively fingering his guts before pulling it out and licking the blood off. They’re alone and the only light in the dark, blue room are the surgical lights framing Shin’s unconscious body like a fish in the market. He took a moment to admire his guts, pink and glistening under the lights. He has so many ideas. He could paint the walls red with Shin’s blood, take Shin off anesthesia and perform a surgery while he’s awake and screaming but unable to move, he could rape Shin while his guts are out, shoving his fist up the boy’s rectum and watching how it moves inside of his guts. 

He felt a buzz against his ankle. His phone, in his schoolbag which was leaning against his leg, had gotten a notification. Great, he thought, he was overdue a message from Shin today. He sneakily pulled his phone out, it’s not allowed in class. It was 9:21 AM, and under the time was a notification from Discord. He opened it with glee, but to his shock, it wasn’t a message from Shin. It was Maple, who Hiyori nearly forgot existed. She was a nuisance to Hiyori, attached to him even if he never showed any attraction back.

🥞: “hiyori!! good morning ♡”

Hiyori: “Good morning.”

🥞: “we havent talked in a while hiyorii :cry:”

Hiyori: “I know”

Hiyori: “I’ve been busy.”

A lie, he’d prefer to talk with Shin right now. 

🥞: “its okayy”

🥞: “how have u been :)”

Hiyori: “Could be better I guess”

Hiyori: “I’m in class.”

🥞: “oohhh u should focus!!”

🥞: “im in class too but >^<”

🥞: “ttyl!!!”

Hiyori: “See ya”

At least he got out of it fast. Now to text Shin.

Hiyori: “Good morning, Shinny! ^^”

Hiyori: “Can I call you that?”

Shin was quick to come online and respond as always.

shinny꩜꩜: “haii good morning yes yes yes!!! u can call me shinny!!!”

Hiyori: “Yahoooo!!”

shinny꩜꩜: “r u srs rn”

shinny꩜꩜: “this guy really said yahoo”

Hiyori: “Ah! So happy!”

shinny꩜꩜: “¬_¬”

Hiyori: “How are you, Shinny?”

shinny꩜꩜: “good i guess my fevers gone down but im still sick”

shinny꩜꩜: “my head hurtsssss”

Hiyori: “That’s good!”

Hiyori: “Do you still feel like you’re being raped?”

shinny꩜꩜: “no but yesterday it stopped when i covered myself with my bedsheets so i never let them go”

shinny꩜꩜: “im scared”

Hiyori: “Don’t worry! I’m sure it’ll be fine even without the bedsheets ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “im not taking any chances”

shinny꩜꩜: “holds ur hand”

Hiyori: “Grips your hand tightly”

Hiyori: “It’s okay, I’m here ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “waow i actually didnt think youd rp with me”

Hiyori: “If it makes you feel like I’m really there holding your hand, then I’m not against anything.”

Another message from a different sender popped up.

🥞: “are you fucking serious you said u wanted to focus on class but youre still online”

Hiyori quickly typed out a response.

Hiyori: “I made it clear I was busy. Didn’t say I was busy with class. I’m talking with Shin.”

Hiyori didn’t take any chances and muted the conversation, going back to his conversation with Shin.

shinny꩜꩜: “thank youuuuuu >///////////<”

Hiyori: “Are you shy?”

shinny꩜꩜: “a bit”

shinny꩜꩜: “ive never been so personal and close to sum1”

Hiyori: “I’m glad I could be your first!”

shinny꩜꩜: “dotn say weird things on purpose!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Hiyori: “Hehehe ^^”

Every little thing Shin said fueled Hiyori’s sick imagination. Part of him found it disturbing–that Shin trusted him so much to express his feelings and get reassurance, while Hiyori got off on his psychological torment. But all other parts of Hiyori didn’t care. Shin was so cute, walking into a spider’s web to feel the warmth of the silk before being ripped apart limb by limb. Still, he might remain complicit if Hiyori calls him a good boy before biting his head off. That would be a beautiful image, wouldn’t it? Shin with his head ripped off, blood dripping from the wound as his body leans forward.

If Shin knew of Hiyori’s fantasies about him, would he still reach out to him for comfort? Would he feel disgusted and stop, or would he cling onto the love Hiyori had shown him before and stay? In his current state, it’d probably be the latter. Shin is a codepentant mess and he wouldn’t be able to survive one day without his praise. Even in the span of three, now four days, Shin had grown dependent on Hiyori for the attention and love he lacks from not having any people in his real life to talk to. Shin had also probably fallen in love with him. One too many feelings for someone who can’t reciprocate them.

But still, he’d play any role that Shin needed. A loving boyfriend, a supportive brother, a good friend, Hiyori will become it all just to please Shin. And when the boy becomes too used to his comforting presence, he’ll pull the rug from under his feet. He can imagine the desperate messages Shin will send him, only for Hiyori to not respond. Mentally torturing Shin would be a close second to physically torturing his weak body. 

Shin didn’t respond. It’s hard to respond to giggling, Hiyori supposed. He put his phone back where it belonged, in his bag, and continued zoning out. Hiyori zoned out in nearly any class except for mathematics, as he liked to test his problem-solving skills. Of course, it was nothing for a prodigy like Hiyori. During break, he’d pretend he was the same type of human as his friends. Talking about video games, sharing homework answers and musing over girls. Hiyori found it illogical that he had to hide away his love for boys. It was only natural for different people to be attracted to different things, but society looked down upon anyone who can be othered. It was just like Asunaro. But Hiyori tried not to think about it too hard, as to not remember it.

It wasn’t hard for Hiyori to pretend he was normal. He did so every day, after all. There wasn’t one interaction where he didn’t have to hide himself behind the veil of normalcy. Teachers saw a prodigy with talent to be used in whatever field he approached in the future, friends saw a friendly and somewhat welcoming guy, although strange, Shin saw a savior and his parents didn’t see him at all.

Nothing was amiss today. Nothing that Hiyori would consider memorable happened, nothing that would cause him to break schedule or character. His walk home was ordinary. The streets were bustling, not so busy but filled with people, mostly students. Most of his friends had afterschool activities to attend to, which left Hiyori walking home alone. He didn’t mind, though. Rather, Hiyori would prefer to be left alone. 

He made his way back home. After he locked the door and took off his shoes, he headed upstairs and changed into more comfortable clothing. Today was Friday, so his schedule consists of mopping, ironing all his clothes, studying, making dinner, then free time. 

Mopping was the easiest of the tasks. Hiyori put on headphones and played music as he mopped around the house. Music had a calming effect on Hiyori, no matter the genre. Sometimes, he wondered why he needed to do chores if the house remained clean regardless.

He procrastinated a bit on the ironing, but there was nobody to do it but Hiyori. So with little hesitation he finished ironing all the clothes he wore this week and neatly folded them before laying them back in their resting place, the closet.

Studying was a breeze. Even without paying attention in class Hiyori could ace this material. Although he did like resting his head on his open palm, wiping the lenses of his decorative glasses before putting them back on, kicking his legs like a focused schoolgirl. This too might be an act of feigning normalcy, Hiyori assumes. But he continues nonetheless. Which parts of him are truly him, Hiyori wonders, and which parts are fake but so deeply internalized that he himself can’t tell them apart.

He tried to make a nice dinner by himself with the oven. Mother had left chicken out to defrost, meaning that Hiyori had to cook it. He hadn’t noticed it in the morning as he was in a rush. Part of Hiyori wondered if leaving something out for so long would cause it to become contaminated, but he had no other choice than to cook it. He seasoned the chicken breasts before putting them in the oven, just how he liked them. Hiyori’s fingers touched the hot grills of the oven, he had forgotten to wear mittens.

His fingers touched the scalding grills of the oven, and suddenly he wasn’t in the kitchen anymore. Suddenly, he was seven years old again, and a hot iron was being pressed into his skin under his chest. Suddenly he was thrashing around screaming, trying to grab hold of his mother’s arm for even an inkling of comfort, but she was busy trying to restrain him so that the design doesn’t get ruined.

(In reality, he was deadly still. If he tripped or stumbled, the food might fall to the floor, and then it’d be inedible. If he ruined dinner, his parents would not be gentle with their discipline.)

Even if he was shaking, he tried to push the thoughts out of his mind. He tried to convert his deep, unsteady breaths from breaths of anxiety and remembrance to hot, sensual breaths of arousal. He imagined Shin below him, viciously shaking and thrashing as Hiyori engraved– burnt his initials into his skin.

(But the fact remained that Hiyori was the one with the burn marks right below his chest.)

In a way, he was exactly like Shin, wasn’t he? Escaping to sexual thoughts to avoid a grim reality. For Hiyori, that reality had been memories. For Shin, that reality had been loneliness. In a moment like this, Hiyori finds himself understanding Shin more than he thinks he should. He disliked it, understanding Shin. He had thought of Shin as a different type of being than him, that way he was easier to analyze and degrade him. If he and Shin were similar, then Shin couldn’t be inferior. Simple, basic logic. But Shin had to remain inferior, or else Hiyori might end up feeling bad for him.

After minutes of hesitation, he placed dinner in the oven and let it bake for 30 minutes. It’d be slightly overcooked, which would serve to make it more crispy yet a bit dry. He had been left with no instructions, so he cooked the way he liked. 

He ate dinner by himself as always. Sometimes he’d dim the lights in the house and pretend he just got stood up by his date. But Hiyori preferred being alone than being with his parents. At least when he was by himself, he was free. He ate probably about one third of the food he cooked, the rest was for his parents when they returned from work.

After finishing, he placed his plate and the silverware he used in the sink before washing them off and placing them in the dishwasher. Although he didn’t turn the dishwasher on as there weren’t enough plates to justify use. He went to the upstairs bathroom to brush his teeth as he wasn’t planning on eating anything else and snacking is for the greedy.

After a not-so-long day, Hiyori took his phone out of his bag and laid on his bed. It seems as though in the six or so hours he hadn’t checked his notifications, Shin had bombarded his phone with messages. The most recent messages were:

shinny꩜꩜: “help”

shinny꩜꩜: “hiyori please help”

shinny꩜꩜: “waht do i do”

Above, Shin had sent several screenshots of a conversation with Maple.

🥞: “hey shin ^_^”

🥞: “r u talking with hiyori rn???”

It seems like this conversation happened earlier today, while Hiyori was in class.

shinny꩜꩜: “uh yeah why”

🥞: “can u tell him to talk to me more please”

🥞: “?”

shinny꩜꩜: “????”

🥞: “he hasnt been talking to me a lot recently and i wanna talk to him 🥺”

shinny꩜꩜: “im sorry but no”

shinny꩜꩜: “hes like my brother i cant let him go sorry”

🥞: “...”

🥞: “please”

shinny꩜꩜: “no im sorry i cant”

shinny꩜꩜: “im sorry”

🥞: “are you serious”

🥞: “what does he even talk to you abt”

shinny꩜꩜: “im having a really hard time rn and hiyori is helping me”

🥞: “maybe you wouldnt need hiyoris help if ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■”

It seems Shin had edited the screenshot to censor whatever Maple had said.

shinny꩜꩜: “please dont say that”

shinny꩜꩜: “ im not ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ im cute and innocent i havent even had my first time yet”

shinny꩜꩜: “im shaking whu did you say that”

shinny꩜꩜: “please im sorry im slrry im sorryy”

🥞: “im sorry shinny”

🥞: “i was mad i didnt know what to say and since youre ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ it was the first insult i thought of”

🥞: “youre not ■■■■■■■”

shinny꩜꩜: “im shaking hiyori doesnt know everything about me if i told him the truth he would hate me he said he loves me hes going to stop loving me”.

🥞: “he doesnt love you hes literally my croomf hes just saying that so you dont kill yourself”

shinny꩜꩜: “thats not true hiyori loves me im like his lilttle brother”

shinny꩜꩜: “he loves me i swear”

That’s where the screenshots cut off. 

Hiyori: “I promise I love you.”

shinny꩜꩜: “what took u so long.”

shinny꩜꩜: “i love you too”

Hiyori: “I was at school then I did chores.”

shinny꩜꩜: “i wish u were here to take care of me”

Hiyori: “I somewhat am”

Hiyori: “What did you censor, if you don’t mind me asking?”

shinny꩜꩜: “oh hahahahahah nothing heheheh nothing dont worry about it :3”

Hiyori: “Are you sure?”

Shin then sent a photo to Hiyori. It was quite erotic. The focus point was Shin’s thighs, exposed because his pajama pants were pulled down. They were very skinny, but for someone of Shin’s condition, they were quite healthy-looking. They seemed to be recently shaved, as the hairs on them were short but dark enough to stand out against Shin’s sickly pale complexion. They were also scarred, one or two long, thick scars on both thighs. Due to the camera angle, Shin’s boxers were visible, and Hiyori could make out the shape of Shin’s penis. It seemed small and a bit chubby. 

shinny꩜꩜: “ohh nooo i dropped a picture of my thighs will u ignore that now”

Although it was an arousing sight for the young man, nothing could stop Hiyori when his curiousity was piqued.

Hiyori: “Hot, but I’m still worried.”

shinny꩜꩜: “im doing it again uuuhggnnnmmm”

shinny꩜꩜: “does it count as whoring around if u really love me”

Hiyori: “Does this make us boyfriends then? I doubt you’d send images with sexual subtext to your brother.”

shinny꩜꩜: “uuuuuhhhhhh”

shinny꩜꩜: “ive never had a boyfriend before”

Hiyori: “Doing it again? Have you sent photos to anyone before?”

shinny꩜꩜: “..promise u wont hate me”

Hiyori: “I promise.”

shinny꩜꩜: “i used to send photos to old men cuz theyd shower me with compliments and called me cute and adorable and it felt like love”

shinny꩜꩜: “but now i regret it bcuz i have my friends and u who really love me and mean a lot to me and i feel like a gross whore”

Hiyori: “You’re not a whore, I promise.”

Hiyori: “You’re a victim.”

shinny꩜꩜: “no im not it was a choice”

Hiyori: “Any normal adult would’ve told you to stop sending.”

Hiyori: “It’s not your fault.”

Hiyori: “I personally have never trusted adults.”

shinny꩜꩜: “im sobbing rn i love you so much”

shinny꩜꩜: “lets get married one day”

Hiyori: “Woah! That’s a huge step!!”

shinny꩜꩜: “ive never felt so loved before”

shinny꩜꩜: “mwah”

Hiyori: “Mwah! ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “uwaaahh i cant believe were married today”

Hiyori: “4 days is all it took, haha!”

shinny꩜꩜: “shhh dont ruin it ur making me seem weirdly attatched to strangers”

Hiyori: “It’s okay, it’s partly my fault because I just can’t say no to you!”

Hiyori: “November 19th ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “im so happy im kicking my legs and giggling hehehehehehehe”

shinny꩜꩜: “am i cute hiyori”

Hiyori: “The cutest boy in the world!”

shinny꩜꩜: “thank youuuuuuu”

Overall, Hiyori was satisfied. He had noticed the moment Shin started developing feelings towards him, so Shin not being stubborn and admitting them was a welcome surprise. He couldn’t help but wonder what Shin was feeling right now.

                            —

Shin was fucking elated. He was Hiyori’s now, and Hiyori was his. He immediately edited his bio, “I love my bf ♡ 19/11”. His breaths were fast and shallow, unsteady due to excitement. Words were not enough to describe his intense emotions, he couldn’t be happier. He had to announce this to the group chat!

shinnysigma: “EVERYONE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT”

shinnysigma: “I HAVE A BF”

nao(kitten:3): “HOLY SHIT CONGRATS!!!!!”

shinnysigma: “eeeeekkkk i love him so mucchhh”

reko(notgroomf): “Yo dude congrats”

shinnysigma: “tyyyyyyy :3”

eggfucker: “Is it the guy whose account you showed us a few days ago”

shinnysigma: “..yeah lol”

eggfucker: “Just be careful”

shinnysigma: “?????”

nao(kitten:3): “mr online safety over here lol”

eggfucker: “God forbid..”

shinnysigma: “its okay i already know everything abt him :3”

eggfucker: “Full name?”

shinnysigma: “as if im telling you lol”

eggfucker: “You don’t know do you”

shinnysigma: “..no lolz”

eggfucker: “Figured as much”

shinnysigma: “are u saying break up with ur bf or”

eggfucker: “I’m just saying be careful”

shinnysigma: “okay bro”

Shin hugged onto the stuffed cat he had tightly, placing his head between its ears. And to think just 3 hours ago he was thinking of relapsing. He knew trusting in Hiyori was a good idea! Hiyori’s love will change him, he’s sure. It’ll make him more loveable, more normal and better adjusted, Shin imagines, as spending enough time with a well adjusted person will influence him positively. Maybe he could learn from Hiyori, and he could help him combat his issues and everything that’s wrong with him.

Today is Friday, Shin notices. He had lost track of days since he got sick. Tomorrow would be Saturday, which would mean that he’s a day away from his weekly appointment with his psychologist, Miss Michiru. And seeing as how he threw up, his parents would force him to attend whether he was sick or not. More accurately, they’d talk on videocall, which Shin doesn’t like. It doesn’t feel as sincere or helpful as an in-person appointment. Also, he wouldn’t be able to explain himself. The last time he remembers eating was binging those gummies yesterday. No wonder his stomach hurts. 

Shin is a horrible liar. No matter how much he wanted to hide the truth, a lie couldn’t come out of his mouth. Only a concealed truth. His inability to lie is the reason he’s talking with a psychologist anyways. He had spilled too much when confronted by his parents, which caused them to get concerned and appoint him to a psychologist to get diagnosed. His parents still had hope that he was normal and just in need of more support, but Shin knew better. He was completely wrecked, a damaged asocial being who had no hope in improving. But maybe, with Hiyori, he could become a better Shin.

If Miss Michiru heard him say that, she’d probably immediately diagnose him with some sort of insanity and send him off to a mental facility. Slight overestimation, maybe, but she might be obligated to tell his parents about him dating a stranger online. It’s not like Kai or Reko or Nao, where they’ve known each other for months and have become regulars in his life. He met Hiyori four or five days ago. He’s really drilled it in, but it’s still somewhat of a concern. The last time he formed a crush on someone, it took two months! The thought crossed his mind, maybe he was just a desperate whore, but he quickly flushed it out. Hiyori said he wasn’t after all.

(So then, why did it hurt so much?)

Shin stared down at his skinny arms. He was starving but he didn’t want to eat. On second thought, maybe focusing on his eating disorder to distract himself from negative thoughts was a bad idea. What, if anything, could Shin focus on? Hiyori?

What does Shin know about Hiyori? He’s 15, he has BPD, he pays attention at school, he’s very handsome and has intriguing green hair, he knows programming and he’s a decent artist.. Alright, now Shin is just getting jealous. It felt as if everyone was amazing and talented at something except for him. In hindsight, this is just a sign that Shin needs to expand his horizons. But in his current state, he could barely walk downstairs and get something from the fridge, let alone hone his nonexistent talents. 

Talking about his feelings is exhausting. Shin wishes someone could read his mind and talk to him telepathically, so that he wouldn’t have to word all of his complicated feelings. If someone could know everything about him, they could understand how and why he acted the way he did. To Shin, everyone would ask questions, questions like “Why didn’t you do this?” “Why can’t you do that?”. Questions Shin doesn’t have an answer to.

He had no basis of who would judge and who wouldn’t. Maybe his friends or Hiyori wouldn’t judge him, but his parents would. No matter how supportive they’ve always been, Shin knows they judge him behind his back. Shin notices a pattern; online is safe, offline is not. The pattern scares Shin. Even if he constantly is online, he wants to have a life and an existence in the real world. But the real world is just so scary. Every time Shin tries to join a group, he has to walk behind everyone else as they chatter away without ever thinking of or noticing Shin.

When he’s online, he doesn’t have to worry about being left out, because online doesn’t have a target audience. You can just interact with anyone and it won’t be weird. That’s not the type of freedom someone as introverted and asocial as Shin is used to. He can just do or say anything, no strings attached. If someone as unpopular as Shin said something weird, then his already low popularity would lower in ways Shin didn’t even know was possible. 

When Shin walks around, he has to be constantly aware of the space he takes up and how his body moves. He has to be aware of where he looks because it’d be offputting for someone so ugly to accidentally stare at someone. But online, he isn’t perceived. People don’t imagine him, they imagine the character in his profile picture. Online, he was cute and loveable. Offline, he was ugly and dull.

Maybe he should buy all sorts of cute outfits and make an account where he pretends to be a cute crossdresser while hiding his hideous face. His eye bags and sickly pale scars aren’t fit for a cute boy like him. But other cute people on Twitter will probably find his sick appearance and uniform scars appealing and inspirational. Does it really count as inspiration if it’ll only make people worse?

Shin pulled his shirt up, exposing his stomach–his tummy, as he called it. It curved inward, his body was skeletal and if he put his hand up to his ribcage, he’d be able to feel the space between each individual rib. Light came into the room in thin lines as the blinds were nearly shut, making for dark but interesting lighting. He snapped a photo of his stomach, the click of a camera shutter echoing in his quiet room. Sometimes, Shin wishes it was possible to disable the sound.

He got on Twitter and switched to his EDtwt account. Nobody except for him knows about it. Not his friends, not Hiyori, nobody. Only the people in this specific subtwitter who view his and other’s content religiously. He posted the photo with the caption “am i cute? #edtwt” and shut his phone off. Maybe Shin could be an idol. A really disturbing idol, but an idol nonetheless. Isn’t that already what he’s doing?

Notifications flooded in quickly. Shin doesn’t even remember turning on notifications for Twitter, so he sighed and checked them before going to turn off notifications. He didn’t want his phone vibrating in the middle of the night, especially when it’s already hard to sleep. It was just likes, plus a bookmark or two. It was the usuals that liked his photos, except..

Hiyori?

Why was Hiyori liking his photos? Hiyori shouldn’t even know about this account! He has no way of knowing! Shin’s breathing quickened from nervousness. Shin tried to calm himself down, thinking maybe Hiyori has problems of his own he hasn’t shared with Shin, and he didn’t even know it was Shin in the photo. But his pajamas he hasn’t changed out of in a handful of days, his bedsheets which have gone unchanged for an even longer time.. Wasn’t he worried? Wasn’t he going to send Shin a message asking “Is this you?” and worrying over Shin’s unhealthy physique?

Or was Hiyori not worried at all?

                            —

Hiyori was busy admiring his boyfriend’s body. His inward curving tummy, his visible ribs and the gaps between them, his sick pale complexion, the dark body hair that stood out due to his complexion. His only gripe was that it wasn’t meant for him, but for unworthy others on the internet. Shin belonged to him now, so it was only fair that he saw everything before Shin posted it. It was only fair that Hiyori saw every inch of Shin’s body.

Although Shin’s skeletal appearance is quite attractive, Hiyori thinks he’d look better if his stomach had more fat. His arms and legs don’t reflect his build, so one would expect him to have a tummy that’d be fun to squish and play with. Even so, Shin probably wouldn’t listen if Hiyori told him to gain weight.

The truth is, Hiyori had found Shin through this account. Although he didn’t interact because he didn’t want to fill his home page up with people like this, Shin was an exception. Mainly because he was a boy, and Hiyori has never seen a boy with an eating disorder before. It’s mainly girls who struggle with disorders like this, so Hiyori was immediately intrigued by the boy. 

It took months for Hiyori to find Shin’s main account. Months of stalking every single one of Shin’s interactions, every hint on who he could truly be, until Shin finally took a hit and interacted with himself on a different account. That was the day he had messaged Shin and asked for his Discord account, four days ago. Time really does pass fast, doesn’t it? 

And now, Shin is his, and he is Shin’s. It’s nice, Hiyori thinks. But he’s not his true self with Shin yet. Maybe he’ll never be, because then Shin would be repulsed by him and break off their relationship. But Hiyori can’t see that happening. Shin is still a desperate, desperate boy, desperate for attention and love even if it means giving out every part of himself in the process. It’s so easy for someone with a plan to take advantage of him.

He saved the photo of Shin's stomach in the locked folder where he had every image of Shin he could find. Two additions today, one of his thighs and one of his tummy. In the months Hiyori has been stalking Shin’s account, he hasn’t gotten any less skinny. Although he hasn’t gotten any more skinny either. It seems that this is the skinniest his body can get without being outright emaciated and unable to consume food.

That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Holding Shin captive in his own room, not feeding him until he becomes emaciated and causing refeeding syndrome if he were to eat again. But then, Hiyori would introduce him to food again slowly and make sure that everything was as it should, even if Shin was in pain. He’d hold Shin’s hand through the pain and let him curl up into Hiyori, until he could finally eat like a normal boy again.

Hiyori’s mind wanders to all the people who have suffered because of the exact fantasy he’s having. He’s not fantasizing about something impossible or unheard of, there’s hundreds of thousands of malnourished people on earth in places he’s never heard of. But Hiyori can’t bring himself to care. It’s his fantasies with his Shin, nobody can tell him that fantasizing about loving and caring for his boyfriend is disguisting and immoral. Some might argue that hurting someone just to nurse them back to health is cruel. But to Hiyori, showing his care is a special part of love. That’s why he wants to show Shin how much he cares by showing him that he’ll be there no matter how hurt he is.

Hurting his beloved is also a way for Hiyori to show love. To see others writhing in pain brings him great pleasure, but imagining that it’s Shin being hurt makes him much, much happier. Hiyori doesn’t know why. Maybe being neglected caused him to find pleasure in things most people wouldn’t. Maybe all the pain in his life has caused him to yearn to be the aggressor for once.

(He clutched at his stomach right where the burn was. His parents still believed in everything that company–that cult preached. No matter how much he wanted it, he couldn’t remove it. His parents wouldn’t let him to remove it.)

Hiyori isn’t stupid. He knows why everything unfolded the way it did. His parents are still brainwashed, leaving for the entire day to do whatever that cult required of them. If he spoke out, nobody woul believe him. In fact, he’d probably be silenced and punished for it. And furthermore, nobody would believe him. Maybe the vast public would believe it if he said something then vanished, but Asunaro is smarter than that. They’d find a way to silence him that left no marks, while he appeared to be perfectly healthy on the outside. 

(They had branded him like cattle. Every time he looked upon the form where he’s supposed to be the purest, they had polluted his body and he could do nothing about it.)

It made Hiyori mad. He didn’t expect something like that to make him mad. He assumed it would make someone feel sad, depersonalized, degraded. But not mad. Maybe that’s why he wanted Shin to suffer. Maybe he wanted to see the person he loves having their body defiled by the same way Hiyori’s body has been.

In the end, as long as he had his Shin with him, none of it, none of them mattered.

Chapter Text

“Good afternoon, Shin. How was your week?” Miss Michiru asked Shin. She was wearing headphones even though she was in her office. Shin was wearing headphones too for other reasons.

“Good.. good afternoon. It was.. fine I, I guess..” It was raining outside. The sky was full of gray clouds and raindrops tapped against his bedroom window, creating a rather calming atmosphere. The bedsheet isn’t wrapped around his body anymore, but he felt fine. It was a bit chilly in his room but despite not liking the cold that much, Shin relished the moment. It felt nice for once.

“Your mother told me that you’ve been sick this past week?” 

“Ye–Yes. But my fever has gone down mostly and, and I feel better now.” Shin was paranoid that somehow, his parents were listening. That he isn’t safe. But he tried to push those thoughts out of his head, because it’s just not true. Nobody was listening in on his conversation, nobody could hear because he had headphones on.

“Ah, that’s good. Did anything remarkable happen this week?” Shin isn’t sure where to start, this might just be the busiest day of his life.

“Uhm.. Should, should I start with.. Should I do, um, in chronological order?”

“Whichever way you feel is best.”

“O, okay. Uhm. On.. Monday, I think? Uh, on Twitter.. This guy followed me, uhm, his name is Hiyori. And, within hours he started talking to me and, at first I was annoyed but now we’re.. we’re close. The day after, uhm, I got sick. It was.. I was in the bathroom and suddenly I started feeling tired and blacking out and suddenly I was hot and, and.. I could feel everything touching me and then, I woke up in the classroom. And there was a voice in my head, it was my voice—uhm, and it told me I threw up, but it didn’t feel.. like I was the one talking.”

“Mhm, and what do you mean by that? What felt different? Was it the tone or cadence of the voice or something else?”

“It just.. wasn’t me. The voice, uhm, sounded really serious and.. authoritative, maybe? And, well, I just.. I know when I’m talking to myself in my mind.. and.. that wasn’t me. And after that happened, I, uh, I felt like I was alone in a void and didn’t exist and then it just.. went away. And I looked around and nobody noticed anything was off and.. it made me feel alone. Like I didn’t exist.. and.. I hated it.”

“And for you that means?”

“That.. uhm.. nobody noticed I was in pain and.. nobody paid attention to me. It’s usual but.. at that time I craved attention. This whole week I haven’t been feeling like I’m in control of my body.. It’s like.. I know that I’m me, but, it’s like, I’m watching myself move. Like I’m watching a movie that’s shot in first person.”

“And were you feeling like someone else was moving and making decisions for you?”

“..Almost? I’m, I don’t know. It’s like.. how everyone has a voice in the back of their head.. It felt like I was that voice, and I was advising myself as I walked through the days.. Like I had a say, but not agency.”

“That’s interesting. Have you ever felt this way before?”

“..Yes, I think. A lot of times it just feels like I’m sidelined and ignored in my own body.. Whenever I have a mental break and want attention or whenever I hurt myself.. It's just, I’m not me. It feels like.. If I could control these parts of myself, I’d be a normal person, just, lonely.”

“Why do you think you can’t control these parts of yourself?”

“I, I don’t know..! I’m sorry.. I, I don’t know..”

“A, ah..! Please calm down, Shin. I’m not reprimanding you, I’m trying to understand.”

“I– I’m sorry.. Uhm.. It’s, I’m sorry..”

“..It’s okay. Your tone changed, Shin.”

“Uhn, huh? What.. Do you mean?”

“Your voice became more gentle and soft. Maybe it’s because you’re upset, but the way someone talks is very specific to their personality and general demeanor. Even if someone was an identical copy of you, if you had different personalities, your voices might sound different.”

“..That’s, that’s interesting.. Uhm.. Am I really, acting differently now?”

“It’s a miniscule difference, but it is something to be noted. Your face also looks different, you’re using different muscles than before.”

“A, ahh.. nhh.. That’s.. uhm.. I don’t.. I don't know.. I’m sorry..”

“It’s okay, I’m not calling for you to understand every one of your behaviors. That’s why we’re talking.”

“..Y–yes, okay.. I, I get it..”

"Alright, you mentioned that you felt.. unsatisfied? That nobody had noticed the fact that you were sick. What did you do about that?”

“Uhm.. I sent a message to Hiyori. Because.. he seemed to be interested in me. Weirdly interested in someone he just met. Uhm.. And he, he talked to me.. and gave me attention.. and told me to get well soon..”

“Why not your friends?”

“I, I don’t know! I don’t know why!”

“There’s no reason to yell. Please calm down.”

“I, I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, please continue.” Miss Michiru was always so forgiving with him.

“Uhm.. We kept talking even after I got home. It felt safe.. and he was so nice. He made me feel cute and.. he called me cute. We talked and.. we called. He was very pretty.. And after he hung up, I threw up. Because.. I don’t know. I don’t remember..”

“It’s alright. I have a question for you. Do you ever think that maybe your friends feel lonely too?”

“Uhm.. No. Because.. They have people..”

“You have people too, Shin. Your parents are incredibly supportive and understanding, I’ve seen worse parental figures in clients who are double your age.”

“Yeah, but.. My parents are my parents. They don’t get it. They’ll, they’ll never get it.”

“Think on the other side of things. Do any of your friends have problems with their parents?”

“Well, uhm, Nao’s parents are.. they aren’t really mean to her but they don’t support that she wants to have a career in art.. and Kai’s dad is really backhanded to him now that he’s a teenager.”

“Imagine how they must feel about that. Even if you’re troubled, at least your parents will listen to what you have to say. I’m afraid you’re taking your parents for granted.”

“That’s.. uhm.. I guess you’re right.”

“Also, there has been something I’ve been meaning to ask. You always center yourself on being cute. But why ‘cute’? Why not ‘hot’ or ‘sexy’?”

“I, I think I know the answer to that. It’s because.. if guys see me as cute, they’ll think I’m innocent and loveable. But if they think I’m hot or sexy then.. that’ll make them see me as provocative, they’ll think I’m a whore. I, I’m really not a whore..”

“You’ve said that before. You’re averse to the idea of being provocative. Why is that?”

“..I, It’s because I’m not, I’m really not..! I’m not!”

“You aren’t. I’m sure you aren’t. I’m trying to grasp your behavior, please be helpful.”

“I’m not..!” Shin sighed. “It’s, It’s because.. I used to send photos, to older men.. and.. they’d call me cute and adorable and an innocent little boy.. and it felt like love. But then.. when I stopped.. they started calling me a whore and how I, I lead them on on purpose.. I’m.. I’m a good boy. I promise..!”

“..It’s alright, Shin. Nobody really thinks that, they don’t know you. They were trying to convince you to depend on their praise by showing you how they treat those they view as inferior. Their goal is to make you feel horrible so you seek out the praise they give you when you send them inappropriate photos of yourself. Those situations were not ideal but it’s not your fault.”

“Not my fault..” Shin echoed back. He sobbed, so he reached for a tissue from the tissue box on his office desk. He blew his nose and crumpled the tissue before placing it down on the desk.

“Have you been eating well this past week?”

“..N–no.. The last time I ate was when I.. binged? A bunch of gummies two days ago..”

“..And do you feel good about that?”

“..Not really. I.. My tummy hurts. It hurts a lot.”

“Your use of the word tummy, is that another way to make yourself seem cuter? Infantilization?”

“..I’m sorry.”

“You’re not being judged and you have nothing to apologize for.”

“..I feel gross. Two days ago, I had this dream, this dream where Hiyori was.. was raping me while we were covered in blood and.. it felt so gross and disguisting. And for a while I.. I didn’t realize it was a dream. I thought it happened in real life. And.. I started feeling a hand. It was groping me and touching me and— I thought that if I gave in, it’s leave me alone. So I sat and took it but, but I couldn’t. So I.. I covered myself with a bedsheet and I couldn’t feel it anymore. It felt so gross and.. and I thought that if I was fantasizing about it, I would enjoy it.”

Shin was very close to breaking down sobbing, but he held himself back.

“..That’s very concerning, Shin. Other than your unsavory online interactions, have you ever been sexually harassed or assaulted?”

“Not that I.. know of? I’m not, I don’t know.. I don’t remember anything.. I don’t remember anything before middle school.”

“You don’t?”

“Not that I.. know of? I’m not sure.. I’m sorry.” 

“I’m asking because a week or two ago you were confidently relaying a story about how you were made fun of in kindergarten."

“I.. was?”

“Yes. You told me about how you couldn’t handle being separated from your parents and always cried, so older kids made fun of you for being a crybaby.”

“Ah.. I don’t.. I really don’t know. I’m sorry..” He looked down at his thighs in shame.

“It’s interesting. How come you don’t remember now?”

“I’m sorry, I really am..”

“I’ve gotten a bit tired of repeating myself, Shin. You’re not being scolded and you have nothing to apologize for.”

“I’m—.. I don’t know.. Thank you for, uhm, being patient with me..”

“It’s nothing, Shin. Your outbursts are quite tame, all things considered.”

“..I, I’m sorry.” He blew his nose again with the same tissue as before.

“Are you reusing tissues?”

“..Y, Yes. It’s a habit because, because I always ran out of tissues at school when I was sick and.. and nobody would give me any. So I reused them until I couldn’t..”

“Has it ever bothered you, that nobody would give you tissues if you needed them?”

“O, obviously? W, what type of question is that?”

“I need to understand your feelings. Maybe someone else in your situation would be happy to be ignored.”

“That’s.. weird.”

“Even if it’s weird, we have to take into consideration that different people exist whether we want them to or not.”

“That’s true.. but.. mgh.”

“Has anything else of note happened this week?”

“..Uh.. Yesterday.. I got a boyfriend..!”

“Oh? Really? Congratulations! May I ask who?”

“It’s.. uhn.. That Hiyori guy I mentioned earlier. We’ve only known each other for less than a week now, but.. but we’ve seen each other’s faces and heard each other’s voices in real time.. So.. I trust him.”

“And how old is he?”

“F, fifteen. He’s probably a high schooler.. Haha..”

“What is it that drew you to him?”

“He’s just so.. nice and understanding. I think there’s.. a lot of stuff he isn’t telling me about himself, but not in a way that he’s trying to hide the truth.. I think he’s just nervous too, even though he’s trying to play it cool.”

“Mhm. What do you think it was that convinced you to date him?”

“Well.. at first he was like a brother to me, comforting me.. but then.. I got into an argument with a girl that had a crush on him and.. she knew about how I used to send. So she called me a whore.. and.. it made me feel awful. So I sent him screenshots of the argument with the whore parts censored but he asked about them so.. so I sent a photo of my thighs to distract him from it. And after that he asked me like.. “Does this mean we’re dating because I doubt you would send sexual photos to your brother”—he just talks like that, and so.. we started dating.”

“That’s.. interesting.” 

“I know.. I love him so much! Haaaaaaahhh..!”

“I assume you’re very happy. Satisfied, even?”

“Yes! I’ve, I’ve never had a boyfriend before.. I feel like a normal boy now!”

“Words like normal and weird are unnecessary, Shin."

“I know, I know.. I’m just.. trying to describe how I feel.”

“Well, I’m glad you feel better. Just remember to be careful online.”

Shin sighed. “I knowww.. Everyone’s telling me about it.. I’ll be careful. I mean, my life is already ruined anyways, so..”

“Really? How so?”

“I.. I have sent photos of myself naked with my face in them before..”

“It’s not your fault, Shin. I’m sure nobody would hold anything like that against you. And even if they are spread on the internet, I doubt they’d be tied to your name or even easily findable on Google."

“You’re probably right, but.. I’m scared. I don’t.. I don’t want anyone to think of me like that..”

“You can’t control the way others think about you. But you can control who you get close to, so you become friends with people who care for you and your boundaries.”

“..Ah.. That’s.. okay. I haven’t heard it.. put like that before. But.. I can’t.. It’s hard. I.. I’m sorry. I wish I could..”

“It’s not a bad thing to wish. But you have to understand that your wishes and reality are different.”

“..I know. I know I can’t, I can’t change how life works.. I wish I could but.. I can’t.”

“We all have our wishes, Shin. Everyone wishes they could turn back time and do some things differently, but most people know not to get too caught up on it because it’s just not possible. The only way you can move is forward.”

“What if.. what if I’m on some gross porn image site and, and there’s some gross old man out there jerking off to me even though I.. I don’t want any of this!”

“Even if your photos were spread around, it’s not under your control what others do with them. No matter what the contents of a photo is, anyone could be sexually attracted to it. And either way, you still post photos of yourself online, don’t you? Photos where the focus is your body. How come you don’t worry about those attracting an unwanted audience?”

“Well, uhm, the, the point of the photos isn’t to be sexual it’s to.. show off my body. “Thinspo”. But if I’m, if I’m naked and my.. my cock is in full view then, then that’s obviously sexual.”

“And I would argue that photos of you pulling your shirt up to show your stomach or in your underwear to show your thighs can also be considered sexual.”

“But it’s not my intent! I, I’m trying to, it’s not, I’m not—!”

“You can understand that it’s not your intent to have random others use your photos as pornography now, why can’t you apply the same logic to your photos that may or may not be leaked?”

“Because I was a whore in those photos!”

“You’re not a whore, Shin. That’s silly. You’re 14 and have never had sex before.”

“That doesn’t matter! I’m, I’m horrible and used up and, and.. I’m.. I’m sorry.. for yelling..”

“It’s okay. Let your emotions out. But try not to control your outbursts in the future. This is the first meeting that you’re having outbursts like this. Is it the distance?”

“I.. I don’t know..”

“I assume that it would be easier for someone like you who spends much time on the internet to have an outburst through videocall. Because on the internet, you’re conditioned to not view others as humans, but as users. Whereas when you’re directly in front of someone, you know that they’re a human just like you.”

“I guess you must be.. right.”

“..That boy you mentioned, Hiyori, could I know more about him?”

“Okay.. uhm.. He’s good at drawing and at programming.. I do try to keep up with programming in my spare time but I just feel like I’m not that good. He’s really handsome.. I think I said that already..”

“Is Hiyori his real name?”

“I think so? He hasn’t said anything about it.. and neither have I. I don’t think he knows if Shin is my real name, and I’m not sure if Hiyori is his real name.”

“Alright. What made you want to date someone on the internet? You seem incredibly insecure of anyone stumbling across your.. nudes, but you’re dating someone online, where they’re more likely to find your nudes.”

“That’s.. Hiyori wouldn’t do that. Hiyori.. wouldn’t go searching for things like that.”

“But you can’t be sure of that, can you?” 

“I, I can! Be, because, Hiyori is a good person!”

“You also can’t know that, you said you’ve known each other for a few days.”

“But that’s, it doesn’t matter!”

“I do think it matters. I’m not trying to say that you should suspect him or his morals, but you ought to be careful and not trust strangers too much. Especially when you’re not in the best mental state.”

“Ngh..! I.. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore..!!”

“..Alright then. What would you like to talk about?”

“..Uhm.. I don’t know.. Oh! I, I had an idea.. This week I haven’t self harmed at all but I had the thought a few times.. and I thought.. If I knit a doll that looks exactly like me, and I hurt that instead whenever I’m sad.. Uhm.. I wouldn’t have to hurt myself..”

“That is a nice thought, Shin. It makes me happy that you’ve stopped actively self-harming. Have you started or tried to do anything related to sewing?”

“Uhm, no.. I haven’t been able to do much these days..”

“My advice is to start with a warm bath or shower and then go eat something. What do you usually eat?”

“My safe foods.. uhm.. soup. And broth. I can’t.. my stomach’s not good with solids.”

“I know, you’ve mentioned that before. Have you ever tried smoothies?”

“Uhm, those are usually cold.. and I.. I don’t like cold foods.”

“Not necessarily, you could have one at room temperature if you wanted.”

“..I could ask my mom but.. it would feel a bit gross, I think.”

“Even if it does feel gross, your health should come first.”

“..You’re right. Before I developed this stomach condition.. my mom used to cut fruit for me and I’d eat them while studying. And.. it was one of the things I missed more at first.”

“That does sound nice. Fruit smoothies are a quite common thing.”

“I, I know..!”

“Alright, is that your plan then?”

“O, okay! Thanks for the.. for the suggestion!”

“You’re welcome. What emotion are we closing this appointment on?”

“It’s already 5? Uhm.. I’m feeling.. I guess a bit relieved? It’s nice to.. it’s nice to get all my feelings out.”

“That’s great, Shin. If you want to talk about something, feel free to call, alright?”

“Y, yes!”

“Good afternoon, Shin.”

“Good afternoon!”

The call ended. Shin sat there at his laptop for a moment before standing up laying on his bed. A shower and then asking his mom to blend some fruit. That can’t be too hard, can it? Even though his exterior seemed calm, maybe even excited, he felt like his chest was being crushed. Responsibility after responsibility, is what it felt like.

Even so, he got up from his bed. The first thing he did was take a photo of the rain outside from his window and post it to his main Twitter account. It was drilled into Shin’s head from a young age to never tell strangers his address online, but what’s the worst that could happen? Nobody would take time out of their day to drive to a 14-year-old’s house.

He picked out another pair of pajamas from his closet–one that doesn’t smell like 2-day-old puke, and another pair of underwear. He made his way to the bathroom, keeping the spare clothes close to his chest.

The water was warm and felt nice against his skin. He had left his change of clothes on the counter and undressed. He threw his dirty pajamas and underwear in the laundry basket with the rest of the dirty clothes and got in.

Shin hadn’t brought his phone in, so there was no happy tune to distract him from the scars littered all over his body. Somehow he had resisted all the times he wanted to slice his stomach, leaving it as one of the only clean spots on his body. Thankfully that was the part of his body he had to look at while showering. He was quite satisfied with his stomach, how it curved inward and showed his ribs. But for once in his life, Shin would like to gain a bit of weight. 

He definitely wasn’t in the process of recovery just yet. But the thought of gaining even a few grams and Hiyori, his friends, everyone praising him for doing something made his heart pound. The thought of Hiyori made his heart pound. And then it stopped. Hiyori is a well-adjusted and sociable boy. He probably doesn’t think about Shin the way Shin thinks of him. If they knew each other in real life, Shin would do whatever Hiyori wanted from him. Hiyori could convince him to start doing drugs and fingering his cuts with dirt on his fingers and Shin’s only argument would be “I don’t want to.”.

The water hit his hair with too much pressure, it felt like his hair was absorbing it all and becoming heavy. His body suddenly felt repulsive. Thoughts ran through his head faster than he could manage, providing reasons. Being able to see your ribs is repulsing. You’re too hairy. Your scars are disgusting. How come your legs are so fat? At 14 years old, Shin weighed just 35 kilograms. And yet his arms and legs look only slightly skinny, on par for a normal boy his age. 

This isn’t permanent, Shin realized. He will either have to recover or die like this. He isn’t sure which one would be worse. When he looked at himself, he couldn’t tell if he was proud of his body or repulsed by it. He looked down again. He had to close his eyes, he couldn’t handle it anymore. Why did he ever think this was cute, he wondered. His stomach was fine, but at the waist, he looked disgusting. He wanted to throw up again.

He couldn’t look at himself, neither in the mirror or by physically looking down. He got out of the shower as quickly as he could, even though there was probably more shampoo left in his hair that he didn’t wash out properly. Even though winter was setting in, Shin didn’t dry his hair. He rubbed it with a towel until it was less wet than before and put it back in the towel holder.

Shin had never noticed how close his clothes were to slipping off. But his pajamas were large and baggy, covering his sickly frame. It was warm and comforting. He couldn’t look at himself. Had he ruined his life, he wondered. Was recovery possible, or should he just kill himself right now? He’s right next to so many weapons he could use. Razor blades to cut, bowls that can be filled with water to drown, medications to overdose on.. But ultimately, Shin decided against it. Hiyori, he couldn’t leave Hiyori alone after just one day.

If he could just stay sick forever and not go back to school.. That’d be amazing. Maybe he should attempt, but purposefully fail. If he could stay in a hospital but with his phone and talk with Hiyori and his friends all day.. That would be perfect. Shin never cared about his future, because whenever he does it, he wouldn’t live past 18 either way. Eighteen is still an overestimation, his bets are on fifteen or sixteen. By the time he’s eighteen, he’ll have hit the wall anyways. Any age above seventeen is unattractive to men. Hiyori might be an exception, though. 

In his own eyes, Shin will always be a boy. He’ll always be dependent and submissive to another person, preferably a man, because it’s just easier. Shin is talentless and can barely do anything correctly, not even take care of himself. Living with Hiyori, being cared for by Hiyori, depending on Hiyori.. Shin couldn’t be happier. If Hiyori was cruel to him, he’d endure it and love Hiyori even more. If he was more loving and dependent on Hiyori, Hiyori wouldn’t hate him enough to be cruel to him. But after being hurt again and again, he’d keep enduring it with open arms and legs.

Shin stood in the bathroom in his baggy pajamas, staring blankly at the wall as he imagined being held by Hiyori after being thoroughly broken by him. No matter what, he’d be Hiyori’s good boy. Hiyori would be left with no choice but to praise him and hold him in his arms like a kitten or maybe a bunny. In the past week, he’s probably thought about Hiyori more than himself. 

With a blink, he snapped out of his fantasies. His legs were starting to become sore from standing up too long. He left the bathroom and considered going back to his room before ultimately walking downstairs. Shin must have been an expert at ignoring pain in the past because walking down the stairs hurt. His legs hurt, everywhere hurt. It was barely bearable, it felt like his legs were about to crumble and collapse into himself. Someone with particularly strong arms could fold Shin’s legs in half with ease. Shin flinched as he imagined how it would feel, the sound of his thin bones crumbling and cracking under someone else’s grip. That isn’t a nice thought, Shin decides, and tries to push it out of his mind.

His mom reacted with surprise when she saw him downstairs. “Shin? Ah, it’s past 5, you’re already done. Are you hungry? Want something to eat?”

Shin nodded. “Uhm, yeah.. uh, Miss Michiru suggested I.. I try a smoothie.”

“Oh, that’s a great idea! With fruits, right? I’ll make one for you, sit down.” 

Shin knew his mom was worried about him. Those days ago when she hugged him, she must’ve felt his skinny body. That did nothing to make her voice seem less frantic, though. Shin sat at the dinner table and zoned out again, this time thinking about nothing in particular.

It didn’t take long to finish, it was just a few blended fruits after all. His mom placed it in front of him on the table and Shin left it for a few minutes until it was room temperature. Then, he took a sip. It was fine, Shin could make out a few of the ingredients; apple, orange, some type of sweet berry.. It did taste good. The liquid felt heavy in his empty stomach, but Shin was satisfied. He knew to sip slowly and carefully so as to not overwhelm his body. 

Does food retain calories when blended? Because Shin would love to gain a few grams from this. It would probably make some people angry, hearing that he’d like to gain weight, but Shin couldn’t bring himself to care. He was happy. That was all that mattered right now. Shin was satisfied with himself and the progress he was making, even if it’s only a little.

After gulping down the whole smoothie, he went back upstairs and laid on his bed. It was comfortable, and he pulled the blankets over himself and wrapped them around his waist. It was perfectly warm but something was missing. Despite the rain, Shin opened his bedroom window. Immediately a raindrop fell onto his nose, and then more dripped into his room. His mom would probably be angry.. but the cold air that entered the room was just right.

He laid in his bed again. His sleep schedule was unusual, and Shin was tempted to blame that on either his illness or his disordered eating, but he knew neither were at fault. To recover, he’d need time off to himself. Shin considered asking his mom for a break from school, so he could be able to regain a normal eating schedule. His parents, overbearing as they are, would definitely agree. Would that be the end of it? Would he recover and go on to live a normal–albeit friendless life? 

(He could die in his sleep right now. His hair could start falling out, he could literally puking his guts out. Life is not certain.)

He checked his phone which he had left upstairs after bathing. He had messages on Twitter, from Kai’s account. The first one was a link to the photo of the rain he posted. And then. 

カイ: “I think I know this location. It’s 30 minutes away from where I live.”

カイ: “Do you live in ■■■■■■■■?”

The location name was censored out, but Shin tapped to see it anyways. To his surprise, it was the town he lived in. Kai had doxxed him, not really but now Kai knows where he lives. Which isn’t anxiety-inducing at all.

shin🪣🫧: “yeah thats my town alright”

shin🪣🫧: “why r u doxxing me 😢”

カイ: “I’m not doxxing you?”

カイ: “I wanted to ask if you wanted to meet in real life”

カイ: “If you arent’t sick and free tomorrow”

Shin threw his phone across his bed. Not in disgust or shock, but in deep thought and excitement. It landed upside down onto his bouncy mattress. He couldn’t contain a squeal, before he put his palms over his mouth. He didn’t know what to think, he was excited and happy. He quickly sent a message accepting before he laid on his bed, his breaths fast and uneven, with his hands over his mouth. He was trying not to squeal again because if he did, his mom might hear.

Shin tried not to think about the reason why. He knew he was attention-starved, and the idea of someone wanting to spend time with him was exhilarating. It was embarrassing..

More messages came in, but Shin couldn’t muster enough courage to open them. He didn’t even have enough courage to turn on his phone. But he had to because he couldn’t just ignore the messages. If he was planning to meet up with Kai, they’d need to set a time and place to meet.

カイ: “Great”

カイ: “Where should we meet up? I’m sure both of us would rather meet somewhere public and open. For safety reasons.”

カイ: “How about we meet at ■■■■■■■■ at 7PM? It shouldn’t be too far away for either of us.”

shin🪣🫧: “sure”

Why does Kai have a habit of censoring location names, Shin wonders. But that park wasn’t too far away, 15 minutes or so if he took the metro. He wouldn’t be asking his parents. In fact he wouldn’t be mentioning this at all, because he wouldn’t be able to come up with a good enough lie, he’s sure of it. Shin truly lived up to his name.

He had calmed down mostly by now. He was still excited but he wasn’t hyperventilating like before. It was still incomprehensible to him, that someone would want to go out and hang with him. It was even more incomprehensible that that someone was a person he met online who accidentally doxxed him.

His phone dinged again. Shin assumed it was Kai again, but it was actually Hiyori on Discord.

Hiyori: “Hey Shin ^^”

Hiyori: “Haven’t heard from you all day! Only a good morning. Not enough for me!”

shinny꩜꩜: “hahahahah”

shinny꩜꩜: “bro is lonely”

Hiyori: “How dare I! ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “lowk was talking with my psychologist an hour ago”

Hiyori: “That’s nice, I’m glad you’re getting the help you need.”

shinny꩜꩜: “i feel like ur calling me a tard but i cant prove it”

Hiyori: “Pessimistic as always, Shinny”

shinny꩜꩜: “theres no hope for humanity theres no hope for humanity”

Hiyori: “Ah, don’t say that!”

shinny꩜꩜: “okayy sorry ily”

Hiyori: “Haha! I love you too ♡”

Hiyori: “Surely your psychologist doesn’t work for Asunaro? It’d make me really sad if they were!”

That confused Shin.

shinny꩜꩜: “??? actually yeah thats the company she works for why”

Hiyori: “...”

It took a few minutes for Hiyori to respond again.

Hiyori: “Asunaro is a cult.”

Hiyori: “They’re harvesting everything you say for data on humans.”

Hiyori: “Talk to someone else. Someone who isn’t Asunaro affiliated.”

shinny꩜꩜: “??????”

shinny꩜꩜: “huh”

Hiyori: “Surely you won’t blow me off and call me a conspiracy theorist? I haven’t trusted anyone else with his info.”

shinny꩜꩜: “thats insane actually”

shinny꩜꩜: “she wouldnt do that to me i think”

Hiyori took a moment to respond. His next text was a photo, one of Hiyori pulling his shirt off. The nature of the image obviously flustered poor Shin, who wasn’t expecting to see a close-up of Hiyori’s chest. But the most shocking part of the photo was under his chest. The letters A and S, craved—no, burnt into his skin. That was very clearly the logo of Asunaro, a widely-known, highly reputable medical company. Shin couldn’t believe it. The message with the photo was swiftly deleted, and another message came through.

Hiyori: “Do you believe me now?”

shinny꩜꩜: “what the actual fuck”

Hiyori: “Don’t tell anyone about this. They’ll kill me, I swear.”

Hiyori: “Asunaro is a cult and has heavy ties to the criminal underground. My parents fully believe their doctrine and I was born in the cult.”

Hiyori: “I want you to stay safe because I love you.”

Hiyori: “Please don’t talk to that therapist again.”

shinny꩜꩜: “okay hiyori”

shinny꩜꩜: “i love you”

Hiyori: “I love you too ♡”

The next morning, Shin asked his mom to change psychologists.

Chapter Text

Shin had to get ready. Whether it was the cold or his own unwillingness to look at his own body, he was wearing an undershirt and boxers while staring at his open closet. All his winter clothes were thick and baggy, they’re for keeping warm after all. But if he were to go out, he’d need to make sure that there’s no chance anyone would see his body. He put on a shirt, then another one, then another one. Enough to keep him warm and hide the parts of him nobody should see, not even himself.

He washed his face in an attempt to make his eyebags less straining, but it barely worked. It did make him feel less tired though. He packed a small bag with things. His wallet with 4 months worth of pocket money, his phone, and both paper and sanitary towels. His mom had drilled into him to always take them with him no matter where he went. Additionally, a water bottle and a thermos with hot soup in case he got hungry.

It was 6:37 PM, and Shin was ready to leave. He hadn’t looked so good in a long time, since he never had any reason to put effort into his appearance. He had brushed and untangled his messy hair and showered again to wash out the shampoo left from yesterday. This time he opted to either have his eyes closed or only look up at the ceiling.

He snuck downstairs as silently as possible. The sound of the shower running echoed through the second floor, meaning his mom was in the bath. It’d be worrying if she noticed that he was gone, so he strategically placed pillows on his bed in the shape of his body. Due to the baggy clothes he always wore, Shin’s general body shape was easy to replicate. 

He took the house keys with him—who knows when he will return—and left the house, locking the door behind him. As winter had started to settle in, the sun was already setting. He ran out of view from his house even if that took more strength than he wanted to use. He ran until he was out of his neighborhood and closer to the metro stop. 

The ride was uneventful. Shin stared out of the window without focusing on anything in particular. He hadn’t brought any headphones with him because listening to music while someone tries to talk to him would be rude. It was a bit sad, watching the sun set so early. His mom had described it as depressing. He was completely out of it until he heard the name of his station over the intercom as the metro’s movements came to a halt. It was always a fear of his, missing his stop because he’s zoning out. He quickly rushed out gripping the left strap of his backpack and left the station.

He hadn’t noticed it because he wasn’t focused before. But now that he was aware, Shin felt like everyone was staring at him. A stark opposite of what he felt in his daily life. Everyone he walked past was staring at him, everyone who was laughing was laughing at him, anyone who was talking was talking about him. His eyebags were too prominent, his posture was horrible, his style was terrible. But he did his best to walk past it. He thought back to what Miss Michiru had told him, but he caught himself. He couldn’t, for Hiyori. But he was still desperate for help..

This place is known for its night life. Shin knows this, and yet the amount of people out still shocked him, so early too. The sun had now just barely set and the sky wasn’t dark yet. Soon enough, all the billboards and advertisements will be bright enough to hurt Shin’s eyes, but it’d be so picturesque that Shin wouldn’t mind. 

He wondered how he’d stand in a city like Tokyo if he can’t handle crowds like this. Shin had never been to a large city before. The best chance he’d ever get was going on a school trip but he always skipped out on those because it’d force him to get into a group. Teachers can’t risk him going somewhere alone and hurting himself, after all. And when he’s with a group, he can hear the disdain in his classmates' voices when they talk to him. They would whisper–probably about him, and leave him walking behind the group like a dog. Even if he could be friends with one of them, he wouldn’t want to. Someone who’s so rude isn’t worthy of a cute boy like him.

It’d be so easy to get lost here. One wrong turn, one descent into an alleyway, and it’d all be over for Shin. If he died, he’d want to die a horrible death that wasn’t immediate. He’d want to be tortured and hurt and raped weeks before his death, so that way his death could at least make an impact.

With so many people, how would he spot Kai? Does he just stand somewhere and wait for Kai to arrive and search around until he sees him? But there’s so many people.. Shin gripped his backpack tighter. If it wasn’t winter, he’d be profusely sweating. 

It didn’t take long though, because they met up shortly after. Kai was also wearing warmer clothes, a puffy jacket that looked rather soft and a dark red scarf that looked a lot like Shin’s, just darker. And Shin surely hadn’t forgotten just how gorgeous Kai was. Standing in front of him like this, he could easily pass as an adult. 

After greeting each other, they walked around while making small talk. They had probably gone in the same circle around the streets more than thrice. It felt genuine though, even as his legs ached so much he thought he would crumble and fall down every step he took. Kai was just as gentle in real life as he was online, always making it a point to not talk too much and to let Shin get a word in. And Shin appreciated the way he’d check behind him to see if Shin’s still there every few moments when he was walking in front.

Shin was having a fun time, until the sky started getting cloudy. At first, he hadn’t really noticed it, nobody had, because the dark night sky obscured the clouds. But when the first few drops fell on Shin’s head, he immediately alerted Kai and they went in search of shelter. The small drizzle quickly turned into raging downpour, everyone scrambling to get under somewhere, anywhere. Kai and Shin ended up in a restaurant.

Shin was visibly nervous, keeping his head down while glaring at everyone while cracking his knuckles. Meanwhile, Kai found them somewhere to sit. Their table was close to a window, Shin could hear rain pounding against it. Kai, sitting across from him, had his face completely covered by the menu. He has to have a reason for doing that, Shin assumed.

“..I didn’t want to take you somewhere to eat.” Kai admitted, breaking the awkward silence. “..I don’t think you’ll want anything to eat. But, I’ll ask anyway. Do you want something to eat?”

“..Do they have boiled curry?”

“Boiled curry..? Let me check,” Kai looked over the menu again. “Yeah. You want to eat?”

“..Yeah.” Shin didn’t make eye contact. Kai smiled. He probably wasn’t expecting Shin to want to eat anything. Shin hasn’t been the most active and also hasn’t been making his friends aware of how he feels.. But that’s nice of him. Is that why he mentioned he didn’t want to take Shin somewhere with food? Ah, had he been covering his face because he was blushing and embarrassed about things not going as he planned? How uncharacteristically cute of him.

They ordered food and made more small talk before the food came. Kai is rather serious most of the time, but sometimes he says or does things that remind Shin he’s only a year older than him. It makes him smile fondly, that’s his Kai. Not in a possessive way, but fondly, as in “That’s the guy I’m friends with alright.” 

Soon enough, their food was on the table. Boiled curry for Shin, and Oyakodon for Kai with egg rolls as an appetizer. Kai really did deserve the nickname eggboy. Shin almost felt bad, he would never be able to eat this much by himself, but he’d rather not push himself too hard then throw up. How embarrassing would that be?

Shin stirred the curry to get rid of the big chunks of ingredients. Trying to get them to dissipate was hard, since it wasn’t exactly boiled to his liking. That meaning the solid parts haven’t boiled away. He takes a hesitant bite. It’s rather thick, and he has to chew which makes his jaw hurt. But it’d be embarrassing to start literally mashing his food while out. 

Kai pushes the plate with the eggrolls closer to Shin. “Take one.”

“N, no, I can’t..”

“Please. Just one.”

“N, no! If I eat anything too much, my stomach’ll—!”

“If you keep thinking like that, you’ll keep throwing up.”

Shin had no rebuttal, but he didn’t eat any. It was a rather nice dinner, tasted good, and he had fun. The two split the bill, each paying for the food they ordered. By the time they were out, 40 or so minutes if Shin had counted correctly though it felt much less, the rain had more or less stopped. Everything around them was wet though. They did some more strolling around the sidewalks before Shin had an idea.

“..Can we.. take a photo together?” Shin asked out of nowhere. 

“..Together? Like a selfie?”

“..Yeah. To.. to remember.” God, Shin could just die from the awkwardness right here and there. Kai simply nodded in response and Shin took his phone out. 

They tested some things out–poses and positions, but it seemed that simple was the best. Kai had tried to force a smile but both boys agreed it didn’t fit. In the end, the result was quite cute, and it made Shin happy. Even though the background could be better, but that’s just a nitpick.

They wandered around more, talking and laughing and being happy, when Kai’s phone started ringing. His ringtone sounded like an 80’s J-pop love song to Shin. Kai doesn't seem like the type of guy who’d be into that stuff. He answered the call and his face immediately dropped. Shin could see his mouth moving, could hear the faint sound of a voice, but it was too quiet. Kai was whispering everything he said. When he hung up, Kai looked genuinely upset, almost scared if Shin was reading his expressions correctly. 

He turned to Shin. “I.. have to leave. It’s urgent. Are you okay going home by yourself?”

“..Yeah. Is it a family issue?”

“..As always. I apologize..”

“It’s okay. I, I understand. It’s not your fault.”

Kai looked at him with a small, fond smile. They waved their goodbyes before walking in opposite directions. Shin couldn’t help but feel worried, but it’s not like he could do something about it.

The walk-ride home wasn’t eventful. It was close to 10 now, probably. Being a Sunday night, there were a few people on the train with Shin. It made him anxious. As he sat down, as he got up and changed trains to go home, he felt as if he was being followed. Like there was someone behind him, ready to cover his mouth, drag him into the nearest secluded alley and grope him the moment they got the chance. Shin tried to calm his thoughts but he couldn’t help but wonder. Maybe this is some horrid real-life foreshadowing, and someone really was following him home.

Despite that, the walk was uneventful and he reached his house without trouble. His mom immediately ran up and hugged him when he walked in, talking about how worried she was that he was gone without warning and how she thought he had run away or was harming himself or.. something. Shin didn’t pay much mind. He went up to his room and got undressed, and immediately picked out his cute pajamas and went to bed.

The next day, Shin didn’t go to school. He didn’t feel sick anymore but he didn’t feel like going. He used to be an attendance-stickler, but skipping was so much better. He was still tired anyways. It was always either staying up until morning on his phone or falling asleep at 10 with him, and today was more of a 10PM day. He went back to sleep and woke up at 11AM.

Hiyori had sent him a few messages while he was asleep.

Hiyori: “Good morning darling ^^ Did you sleep well?”

Sent 8:13AM

Hiyori: “I guess you’re still sleepy”

Sent 9:46AM

Hiyori: “Sweet dreams!”

Sent 10:37AM.

Shin should probably respond.

shinny꩜꩜: “im awak”

shinny꩜꩜: “sleepy”

Hiyori: “If you’re still tired you should go to sleep or drink coffee. Did you sleep in today?”

shinny꩜꩜: “yeaaahhh”

Hiyori: “How sweet”

shinny꩜꩜: “u always respond so fast”

Hiyori: “I missed you, we barely talked yesterday. Not enough Shin for my liking!”

shinny꩜꩜: “>/////<”

Hiyori: “So cute!”

Hiyori: “I got confused when you didn’t answer my messages, but I guess the lack of sleep caught up to you, huh.”

shinny꩜꩜: “ya i was out with a friend and got tired”

Hiyori: “Oh? Really? Did you have fun? Did you take any photos? Can I see them?”

Shin contemplated sending the photo to Hiyori but in the end, he trusted the boy. 

shinny꩜꩜: “me and my friend kai ^_^”

Hiyori: “...”

Hiyori: “..Istg is that fucking Kai Satou.”

shinny꩜꩜: “???”

Shin was, to say the least, confused. Hiyori recognized Kai? He knew his surname, which Shin didn’t even know? 

Hiyori: “He’s a.. childhood friend of mine. Also a part of ASU-NARO and currently working for them. He’s rather low ranking though.”

Hiyori: “He used to be the tall dark awkward type. Now he’s quite handsome. But that doesn’t change anything.”

Hiyori: “Pretty sure he watched his brother stab a few kids.”

If Shin wasn’t confused before, he sure as hell was now. Kai, affiliated with Asunaro? Is that why he always looked so serious, because he’s an active cult member? Is that why he looked so upset when he got that call yesterday, because he had to go partake in whatever that cult did? Shin knows they had mutilated Hiyori’s body, but did they really assault people? Furthermore, did they murder people?

Shin specifically responded to the last message with that exact question,

shinny꩜꩜: “did they die”

Hiyori: “As far as I know, yes.”

Hiyori: “His brother was so violent that they called him Rearranger as a nickname. I don’t know if it’s for better or for worse that they’re not biologically related.”

Kai’s brother.. a murderer? The same one he called his only emotional support? The same one he talked about doing all that stupid stuff with? Shin shouldn’t be so shocked, he didn’t even know the guy. But knowing that Kai trusted someone who has taken lives before is more than he can handle. He thinks he can feel bile in his throat.

shinny꩜꩜: “has kai ever hurt anyone”

Hiyori: “Not that I’m aware of. He was always a pussy when it came to that. Maybe that’s why his father hates him.”

shinny꩜꩜: “oh my fuvking god”

shinny꩜꩜: “u can not be serious”

shinny꩜꩜: “tell me ur lying right now”

Hiyori: “I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. It’s hard for me to relive my time there with them, but I imagine it’s especially hard for you to learn all this for the first time.”

shinny꩜꩜: “hiyori. so what do i just msg him and ask abt it”

Hiyori: “NO. DON’T. Block him, just block him. If you talk to him he’ll realize that I’ve been leaking ASU-NARO’s “processes” and he’ll expose me to the whole cult. I don’t want to get hurt, Shin.”

Shin was now faced with a dilemma. Believe in his friends, which he’s known for so long and have supported him through rough times. Or believe in Hiyori, who–even though they’ve known each other for barely a week–loves him so much and maybe even saved his life. If Hiyori wasn’t there, maybe he would’ve cut himself more, deeper, deep enough to end his life. Maybe he would’ve never wanted to start improving and die in his sleep from starvation. 

Hiyori means so much to Shin, and so does Kai. So do all his friends. If he blocked Kai, if he left their shared server, he’d have to explain why to Nao and Reko, who’d report it to Kai. That’d have the same result as him just asking Kai, Hiyori getting exposed and possibly tortured or killed. Who knows what they do there?

Would Kai really expose Hiyori, though? He’s always been so kind. Even so, there’s so many sides of Kai that Shin never even knew about, as shown by what Hiyori told him. Who can he really trust except for Hiyori? Everyone he has trusted so far has been a part of Asunaro, save for his parents. Can he even trust himself, or should he place all his love, trust and hope into Hiyori? His heart is beating so fast, he feels like he could pass out.

shinny꩜꩜: “okay. ill block them. ill block all of them.”

Shin did just that. He left their shared server, blocked them everywhere. The only people he trusted other than Hiyori. But Hiyori was all he needed, right? Shin was a moth, and Hiyori was his beacon, shining brightly against the darkness of the night sky.

Shin looked out the window into the slightly cloudy morning sky. He closed his eyes, they stayed shut for too long. He was still tired, ready for more sleep. He assumed that a nap would clear up his emotions, so he laid his head on his pillow and quickly fell into a dreamless sleep.

He hadn’t even realized that time had passed, as his sleep was more like a blink in his perspective. He blinked, and suddenly the sun was setting outside. He missed everyone. He still wanted to talk to them. But he can’t, they’d ask too many questions, and Shin doesn’t have the heart to lie to them. He’s completely alone, Shin realizes, except for Hiyori. But Hiyori means the world for Shin, so is it really isolation? Is being alone in a room with the person who loves you most in the world really being alone?

Shin felt an urge to cut. Cut his arms, cut his arms, his thighs, his stomach. Because.. because this body didn’t belong to him. He felt like that sometimes, like he was meant to be somewhere else but confined to a body that wasn’t his. This body isn’t Shin’s, so he has to hurt it to get out. It makes sense, in his mind. He used the little strength he had to lift his mattress, giving his access to the razor blades under it. Obviously “his” parents had hidden all sharp objects he had access to when they found out he had hurt himself, so he hid some to indulge in.

Cut, cut, cut.

I’m alone, nobody loves me, I don’t belong here.

Blood dripped from his wounds. They weren’t that deep, as Shin wasn’t strong enough. He walked drearily to the bathroom, and in the bathroom he rinced the cuts under the shower and put bandaids over the cuts. He liked the bandaids. They made him feel lika a cute and clumsy boy.

He went back into his bedroom and laid on his bed, his limbs spread out. It stung, it stung so horribly, and he felt guilty. But he couldn’t spend more time in this hell, the hell of not belonging in his own body.

(And yet, making more scars would only make him feel like he belonged less.)

His mind, his body, all the way down to his soul were numb and empty. Laying on his bed, he felt like he was floating. There was nothing interesting per se on the ceiling, but he tried not to blink. His vision was fuzzy and dark spots appeared and disappeared all over. It can’t be from blood loss, he only made a few cuts that weren’t even that deep, by his standards. 

He looked through his memories. There was a lot of things he didn’t remember, he realized, but he couldn’t dwell on it. He wasn’t energized enough to think about anything. Soon enough, his eyes closed and he fell into a deep sleep.

When he woke up the next morning, it was already afternoon. He had overslept again, but he wasn’t planning on going to school either way so it didn’t matter. He picked up his phone to unread messages from Hiyori. He was talking about how much he missed him and how he wanted to talk to him, which made Shin feel rather sad. He broke the news coldly.

shinny꩜꩜: “i cut myself”

Hiyori: “...”

Hiyori: “How deep? Show me. Why? Are you okay? Talk to me.”

shinny꩜꩜: “i dont want to take the bandaids off”

Hiyori: “Good, keep it bandaged. How many cuts did you make?”

shinny꩜꩜ “uhm 3 i think”

Hiyori: “Okay.”

Hiyori didn’t say anything after that. It made Shin nervous. Hiyori had finally realized how fucked he truly was and was finally leaving him alone to rot until his skeleton can’t hold him up anymore. He wasn’t wanted, he surely wasn’t needed, and he was truly alone. That lasted for about 10 minutes until Hiyori responded.

It was a photo. A photo of Hiyori’s forearm, cut up and bleeding. There was a copious amount of blood, and a bloody boxcutter in the background. Shin swore he could see white, white that could’ve been Hiyori’s bone. Three long, deep cuts covered in blood.

Hiyori: “For you.”

shinny꩜꩜: “what the fuck”

Hiyori: “Now.. How do I take care of these °_°”

shinny꩜꩜: “hiyori you idiot”

shinny꩜꩜: “run them under water with soap or something then bandage thats what i do”

shinny꩜꩜: “holy fuck thats so fucking deep”

Hiyori: “Thank you darling!”

Hiyori was gone again for another 10 minutes or so, leaving Shin dazed and confused. What did he mean, “for you”? Did he cut so Shin didn’t have to be the only one feeling pain? Was this some “If you cut, I cut” thing to convince Shin to stop? He didn’t want Hiyori hurt for his own sake. His phone vibrated again.

Hiyori: “It stings and itches.. Owch!”

shinny꩜꩜: “why the fuck did you do that”

Hiyori: “For you. I think we should feel the same pain. If you wouldn’t wish it on me, why would you wish it on yourself?”

shinny꩜꩜: “ure fucking stupid hiyori im mad at you”

Hiyori: “Are we getting divorced?”

Hiyori: “Owh My hand hurts so much”

Hiyori: “Doesn’t yours hurt? Not even one bit?”

shinny꩜꩜: “of course it hurts its fucking sh”

shinny꩜꩜: “why why the fuck are you doing this”

Hiyori: “For you, obviously! ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “WHY I DONT WANT YOU TO CUT FOR ME ARE YOU INSANE”

Shin felt bad. Hiyori had endured so much of him and yet here he is exploding on him. It wasn’t Shin's fault though, this was too much, he would never have wanted or expected Hiyori to do something like this. Shin didn’t believe himself worthy enough to cut over. And even if he was, he wouldn’t want Hiyori to hurt himself over him. Hiyori meant so much to Shin, he couldn’t bear looking at Hiyori practically defiling, ruining, scarring his beautiful body over him.

Hiyori seemed to have the body Shin wanted, from all the photos he’s seen of him. Not that much taller than him but pale, skinny, and untouched. Except for the scar burnt into Hiyori’s chest, which Shin purposefully ignored. If he had Hiyori’s beauty, he wouldn’t throw it away for someone as shameful to be around as Shin. 

Shin wanted to disappear, to die painfully for “hurting” Hiyori. Starvation, being burnt alive, drowning, he’s heard these are the most painful ways to die. He wishes to die by one of these right here and right now for causing pain to Hiyori. He didn’t deserve Hiyori in the slightest.

His phone buzzed with another message.

Hiyori: “I’m doing this because I love you. You’re doing the same thing to yourself.”

shinny꩜꩜: “no im not im not fucking cutting to the bone” 

Hiyori: “I went a little overboard, I know. Please forgive me.”

shinny꩜꩜: “i forgive you but never hurt yourself again ahhh thatll leave scsrs hiyori youre ruining your body for me”

Hiyori: “My body’s already ruined.” 

shinny꩜꩜: “noo ur so pretty thooo :( i wish my body was like urs and not ugly and full of scars”

Hiyori: “Don’t even start, Shin. Cut it out.”

shinny꩜꩜: “im sorryyyy”

Hiyori: “It’s okay, I couldn’t stay mad at you.”

shinny꩜꩜: “just promise youll never do it again”

Hiyori: “Only if you promise the same.”

There it is, Shin expected this.

shinny꩜꩜: “i promise i wont cut again”

Hiyori: “I promise too.”

shinny꩜꩜: “good please never ever ever cut ever again im so so serious”

Hiyori: “You’re cute when you’re so desperate!”

shinny꩜꩜: “its because i love you dummy”

Hiyori: “Ahaha, I know! Aaahh it stings so much.. I can see why I didn’t want to do this!”

shinny꩜꩜: “literally why did you cut so deep”

Hiyori: “To show how deep my love is, obviously!” 

shinny꩜꩜: “not only are u stupid ur alsp corny”

Hiyori: “How mean to little old me! I’m just a boy, you know!”

shinny꩜꩜: “siiighhh”

Shin put his phone down. He was still mad at Hiyori, but besides that, he couldn’t tell what he was feeling. He felt numb and empty but also satisfied in his own weird way. He won’t do it again, he assured himself, Hiyori knows better now. Hiyori would never hurt himself again, right? Surely, out of everyone, he could trust Hiyori, right? In fact, he trusted Hiyori more than he trusted himself. If Shin was the one cutting for Hiyori, he’d cut again and again and again, until Hiyori had to step back because of Shin.

In Shin’s mind, Hiyori had been responsible and put-together, a pillar who could support him whenever he needed support. But now, he didn’t know what to think. He didn’t want Hiyori to hurt himself, he didn’t want to even think of situations like that. But Hiyori did it regardless of what Shin liked to think about. He rolled over in bed. These emotions are too complicated, Shin doesn’t like complicated. He liked it when it was much simpler, he was with his friends. His friends..

Shin missed his friends. He missed the familiarity of talking to the same three people every day. Even if it’s only been a day or so. But can he really go back? He doesn’t want them to question him. He doesn’t want to lie to his dear friends for Hiyori. There’s no going back.

His eyelids shut again. He was feeling dizzy, there was no room for thoughts in his head. Soon enough, despite the pounding sensation in his head, he fell asleep again.

Waking up, thinking, and falling asleep. It’s been a loop. Sometimes he’d manage a snack here or there, if soup can be considered a snack. Nothing is changing, nothing will change like this. But Shin doesn’t want to–can’t put in anything to change. He’s doing this for Hiyori. Even if it hurts, he loves Hiyori. Even as he’s ignoring all his calls and messages, rotting on his bed, only having moved an inch in the span of a few hours, his love for Hiyori remained. Even as thoughts of Hiyori and how he’s doing tortured his mind, that cursed image of his wounds flashing in his mind, he loved Hiyori. 

(Shutting his eyes did nothing. That image appeared in front of him. Deep, to the bone. His fault. Why was it his fault? Couldn’t it be anyone else’s? He never asked for this. All he wanted was someone to love him.) 

Hiyori had to have had an ulterior motive. It wasn’t possible any other way. “Because I love you” was just a flimsy excuse, a way to make Shin feel like it was his fault. What Hiyori did had nothing to do with him. What Hiyori does..

“..Has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!” Shin screamed out, his voice tired and hoarse, as he threw one of his pillows at the wall. Feelings of grief and sorrow had slowly enough festered and turned into anger. He grabbed his phone tightly and opened the messaging app. In the past days, Hiyori had sent him desperate messages about how much he missed Shin, how bored he was, how his cuts sting. Shin’s eyebrows furrowed, upset.

shinny꩜꩜: “why did you do it. why did you cut”

shinny꩜꩜: “what do you want from me. sexual photos? pain? dependance? leave me alone. i hate you”

He was trying his best to sound serious and confrontational, but it looked a bit unserious. He hoped it’d work, and Hiyori would finally fess up.

For the first time, Hiyori didn’t respond instantaneously. In fact, he made Shin wait a few hours before his phone finally buzzed with a message from the only person who texts him.

Hiyori: “I told you it’s because I love you!”

Hiyori: “Such mean words. Think before you type.”

shinny꩜꩜: “that has to be a lie just tell me what do you want from me”

Hiyori: “None of the above, I truly just love you.”

shinny꩜꩜: “LIAR I NEVER FUCKING WANTED YOU TO CUT TO THE BONE FOR ME”

Hiyori: “I’m not lying. I had a really strong urge to do it.”

shinny꩜꩜: “ur not SUPPOSED to give in to urges ur supposed to be the strong one”

Hiyori: “Really? Is that how you see me? As your put-together protector who does no wrong?”

Hiyori: “I’m a teenager too Shin. And I have BPD. I know seeing my wounds might’ve upset you and it’s not your fault but I’m not some kind of saint. Sometimes I can’t fight it too. I know it’s no excuse but please forgive me.”

Without dedicating time to think about Hiyori’s words, Shin typed a response.

shinny꩜꩜: “fucj you fuck you fuck you i cant even close my eues without seeing your arms i suerioosuly hate uu im so mad”

Hiyori: “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Please forgive me.”

Shin sobbed, his eyes welled up with tears for the Nth time today. He wanted to forgive Hiyori, but he also didn’t want to forgive him for causing him pain. Even though Hiyori had caused more pain to himself than to Shin. In the end, Shin decided on his response.

shinny꩜꩜: “okay i forgive you im sorry”

Hiyori: “That’s great, thank you sweetheart.”

If he didn’t have Hiyori, he wouldn’t have anyone. He would be alone, and being alone would probably be worse than being dead. He had no choice but to forgive Hiyori. He barely did anything, anyways. He could’ve cut himself so much that he bled out and died. He hadn’t thought of it before, but Hiyori should’ve fainted from that much blood loss. But maybe he didn’t actually cut to the bone and Shin’s just overreacting, and Hiyori was too caught up to correct him. He didn’t want to go up and look at that photo, but it was only a bit white and maybe that’s just from blood loss. That’s right, all right.

Shin was overreacting. Definitely, surely overreacting. It wasn’t his fault, it was neither of them. Shin isn’t okay, neither is Hiyori, and that’s okay. They can endure each other’s faults forever. At least, Shin can. Shin could endure anything and everything Hiyori does, endure his suffering, and maybe in the end take his night away with love. 

Part of Shin was still conflicted. He recognized that he only forgave Hiyori out of the love he had for him and because he didn’t want to be alone. Is that really okay, he questioned, even though Hiyori is the reason he’s alone?

That’s stupid, though. The reason he abandoned them wasn’t Hiyori. Kai was a horrible person and he didn’t want the others to get involved so he blocked them too. Hiyori just helped bring it to Shin’s attention. Hiyori isn’t a bad person. Hiyori..

He isn’t sure what to think anymore. His eyes close shut again. He’s left his phone open again, his average screentime will definitely go up. He doesn’t like seeing those big numbers, twelve to sixteen hours a day, but he doesn’t do anything to limit it. He opened his eyes and stared off to his right, at nothing in particular. He stared until something seemed to move, then he buried himself in blankets and fell asleep again.