Chapter Text
Jack and Maynard are still dancing, which technically counts as a good thing because if they're dancing then they're not drinking, and this doesn't feel like a night where Maynard, in particular, should be let anywhere near intoxicants.
They seem happy enough, so hopefully they've calmed down. Stede watches them as Ed carries him closer, (and yes, that kilt of Maynard's really does move nicely as he spins) and tries to catch their eyes with a slightly sheepish look in his own.
Maynard spots them first, and stops; pulling Jack in to murmur something in his ear before the pair of them turn. "You survived the lesbians, then," he says.
"We did," Stede answers. "Also they aren't all lesbians. Possibly none of them are. That part's still unclear."
A beat, and an awkward look. "I'm sorry they took you hostage. That… wasn't supposed to happen."
"Yeah, I reckon Izzy's gonna have words with his actual-lesbians, and… some of it was your not-lesbian. Lady. Thing." Ed nods towards Maggie. "She's as much to fucking blame."
Not that Ed wants to completely duck responsibility, but Maggie knew about all of it and decided to tie them up. Stede didn't.
"She's a menace at times!" Jack exclaims, although it's clear from his tone that he's not mad-mad, just annoyed. "She coulda warned us! I know the idea of being grabbed by a bunch of hot chicks is… well, hot, but it weren't how this evening was supposed to go!"
"That's putting it mildly," Maynard agrees. "Although if someone had updated the calendar properly…"
"I didn't process that I needed to, because it was a mission, not an actual night out!" Stede insists, looking sheepish again. "And I am sorry about that. I'll be more careful in future. Infinitely more careful."
"And… well. It was an undercover op. So… If we'd said anything to you… Not that we'd expect you to be moles or whatever…" Ed adds, rocking his husband with his hips. "Just didn't have a clue it would be your fucking lady-friend behind the damn thing. We thought it was genuine. And if it had been, then you wouldn't've been fucking touched at all."
A beat. "By 'hot chicks' anyway."
"Night's still young, right?" Jack remarks, with a wink, although the way he's standing behind Maynard with an arm around his shoulders suggests the other man has nothing to worry about as far as other people are concerned. (Even hot chicks.)
"So did you find out what this was all really about?" Maynard asks.
Stede gives a little grin. "You fishing for intel?"
"Old habits. Plus, after the night we've had, can you blame me?"
"Honestly, no," Stede replies. "And… we did, and… it's a lot. Might need to involve you guys at some point, but… not yet. But… we'll tell you what we can once we're done processing it."
Maynard nods. "Fair. But…" his expression softens, "you're OK, though, right? Both of you? All of you?"
"Stede's dad was a triple-double-decker-agent or something, Pete thought he had cocaine in his face, Izzy beat up an old lady, Lucius had his 'return to the field' turned into a cluster-fuck, and now we all want to go home and… relax." Ed nods. Firmly. "Because it's been a fucking night. And… three of our squad likely need therapy for life."
"You… uh… you want us to escort you home or whatever?" Jack asks, in an odd tone. "So no one messes with you or nothin'."
"I think we'll be OK," Stede answers. "Plus you two deserve to have a little fun here before the night is over. We'll just get a cab. But… that means a lot, thank you."
"Plus, I don't want Izzy to see your fella's calves and fly into any kind of fit of… rage or something…" Ed grins, but he's very warm with it. "Or you checking out my guys any more than necessary. Even if they are a damn sweet sight…"
Oh, why not. "Go on, I know you're dying to give us a twirl. Even if those boots are fucking weird, Maynard."
Maynard goes slightly pink. "My fiancé likes 'em!" he exclaims. "And… shush, I've seen more of all of you tonight than I was emotionally prepared for."
He indulges them, though: stepping out of Jack's embrace to give a graceful spin; the leather of his kilt moving beautifully as he does.
"That is gorgeous," Stede has to say. "Aesthetically, obviously."
"And in other ways," Jack enthuses, pulling Maynard back in.
"You got a good one," Ed concedes, directing it to Jack. "And you…" He looks to Maynard. "You got exactly what you deserve."
Maynard snuggles back against Jack a little more. "I like to think so," he says.
Stede gives a gesture that encompasses the pair of them. "This is still insane. And weirdly perfect. We'll touch base in a few days, OK? Try not to run off to America in the meantime."
This makes Maynard go quite a lot pinker. "I said I was sorry!"
"To us, and the British Transport Police," Stede reminds him.
"Yeah, Pete knows how to get you on the no-fly list, so you better behave." Ed winks. "Behave yourselves until we're gone, and… don't piss off the new friends, or the squad, if they're still here, yeah?"
"Scout's honour," Maynard promises.
"Yeah, your guys are cool with us now," Jack adds. "'Specially Archie. Archie's great. And no, I ain't gonna hit on her… just try to outdrink her."
"Aaaand I think that's our cue to run for it," Stede says, but with a grin.
"No HR reports, either." Ed hefts Stede enough to give him a quick spank to one buttock, and then twirls dramatically. "I don't want to hear about it!" he says, as he carries Stede over to Lu and Pete.
***
Izzy isn't entirely sure what to say as he heads over to where Lil and Lan are standing. He's known them both for such a long time – fuck, he's known Lil longer than he's known Ed – so tonight's revelations about them are a lot to take in.
Bellringers. Both of them. On the one level it seems insane, and on the other… perhaps not.
He paces closer. "Hey. So… can we talk?"
"I figured you'd want to," Lilibet says. "Hoped, as well. I… guess you're upset."
"I don't quite know what I am," Izzy admits. "I mean… fuck…"
"So, we're even, now, I guess?" Lan asks. She nods over to where Ed and Stede are holed up. "As a spouse to the craft, you must understand…?"
Izzy sighs. "…Yeah, OK, I know I didn't tell you about that either. It's…" Another sigh. "Figure it's just one of those things. Occupational hazard. Feels weird because I did tell you mine, but… being a copper's not exactly secret on its own."
A beat. "So… 'Bluebird'..?"
Lil gives a little smile. "I was a Royal Marine for a few years, right out of school. 'Bluebird' was my callsign, and… I guess I liked it so I kept it as my domme-name when I started this place."
That makes Izzy gesture around them. "This is you doing the same thing Stede does, isn't it? Sort of. Running a business to hide what you really do."
"Yes," Lil answers. "Though I'm a lot more personally-involved in mine. I've always been committed to this place. That much is very real."
"And you went and bought out PharmaCorp and took over Inaltus… Izzy! You're a terror!" Lan grins. "We did know about your… boss and 'secretary' before they were your polycule. We just didn't want to intrude, and… well. The Bellringers have recent not-good-blood with Five. And Bonnets. We didn't hold it against Stede, though…"
"He's a good man," Izzy says at once. "His methods are often unorthodox and to this day I swear he's charmed, but he gets the most incredible results. And he's the one who took over PharmaCorp and Inaltus… him and Lucius. I'm still just a copper who's along for the ride."
"Izzy, that's not true at all," Lil chides. "We didn't know the full extent of what you'd been up to until Maggie and Zheng asked us to get involved, but now we've seen the mission files. And… even though it was heavily-redacted, the one about what happened in the middle of the Atlantic was particularly shocking."
"You know, I can picture you doing a lot of things, but somehow… basically being a rope-bunny and careening over to a cruise ship from a helicopter…" Lan frames him with her hands, squinting as she does so. "I mean, you do suit a harness. But that bit was less expected. And you really are going to have to share some war-stories with us at some point. You know… the redacted ones…"
"I… guess I probably can, now," Izzy replies. "And, honestly, I've got some pretty insane ones. For the record, I hated rappelling down onto that fucking boat, and I spent most of that mission curled up on the main deck under a space-blanket, trying to stop Maynard – the one in the kilt – from freezing to death after he got shot."
A beat. "Some of the Florida stories are good, though. So long as you like alligators."
"Ohh, we did Florida once, but really… the real drama? That's when you get to Seattle. Or into any of those Very Prim areas… the Hamptons… Let's just say we can tell you about someone's pet wildcat that would make your toe hair match your pubes." Lan grins, then leans over to look at the two men in question.
She nods. "Oh, those ones. We were wondering why you were never seen together. It was becoming a bit of a Thing."
Izzy sighs. "Fuck, don't get me started. Jack's Ed's ex. I… had a one-night stand with Maynard years and years ago. The pair of them hooked up when we were all in Florida… then it turned out Maynard had been sent to kill Ed by Stede's ex-father-in-law. Anyway, Pete jumped on him at the crucial moment and he shot Stede instead. And then ran for it. And… somehow Stede decided that this was the perfect person for him to rehabilitate, and…" a wave of the hand, "…so he did."
Another beat. "And Maynard had a massive thing for Stede. Well… probably still has something of a thing for him, but he's dead-serious about Jack. But… all the history means crossing over here probably wouldn't be a good idea."
"Hence the calendar," Lil surmises.
"Hence the calendar," Izzy agrees. "Which Stede neglected to update this time."
Lil grins. "And for which he'll be getting spanked when you're all home?"
Izzy nods. "Extensively. But as for those two… they're all right. Ish. Don't tell anyone I said that. Jack can be a nightmare, but Maynard possesses the singular ability to rein him in. When he chooses to use it."
"I wouldn't go near the floppy-haired one with a six-foot cane. Far, far too fragile. But the other one…" Lan nods, assessing. "Oh, he's got the look of someone who would just… crumble. Bet he'd cry for hours, if you let him."
"…yeah, and he does," Izzy manages. "Well. He does when he gets emotional. I've never seen him do a full scene, because that would be weird, and… the time I did see wasn't really geared towards that kind of emotion. Thank fuck."
Don't ask for more details. "Relatively confident at this point he's a versatile switch, but it's still hard to be certain. He is, however, definitely gay. Jack, on the other hand, will fuck anything with a pulse, and did until Maynard made him go exclusive."
"Lan's right, though, he'd be fascinating to take to bits," Lil concurs. "All those layers… Daddy-issues?"
More nodding. "In spades. Not sure on his blood-kin, but he worked for Stede's ex-father-in-law for like, twenty-plus years, so he's got artificial ones like you wouldn't believe."
"I bet they'd be fun to work off one another." Lan can't help it. If she sees something so tasty and juicy as a real mark ready to blub? It's like blood in the water to her. "And you could follow on from tonight, with being just collateral parked to one side… Being the replacement for Stede, I'm guessing, and now this whole… usurped by him… Gay Oedipus, almost. Oh, I have shivers!"
"…I'm going to be haunted by the term 'Gay Oedipus' for a very long time," Izzy manages, with a shudder. "But you're not wrong. He has also, for the record, shot a lot of people over the years, so he's halfway between being ethically-fascinating and an ethical nightmare."
"Oh fuck, hold me back, now I want to go buy him and his man a drink, just to see what they do," Lil enthuses, with a wicked gleam in her eyes.
"Especially if they know we're off the market… You do such a good line in seducing the unfortunate homosexuals who can't work out why they're into you, doll. Maggie might have dibs, but it's every woman for herself, here." Lan brushes her own shoulder down. "And it is our club…"
"Just don't say I didn't warn you," Izzy states. "And… I want the gossip later. Obviously. For… research purposes or something. And… here come Ed and Stede. Looks like they might need taking home… Ed still hasn't put Stede down."
"Aww, does he need his beauty sleep?" Lil says.
"Eventually. He needs his beauty sleep eventually." He gives Ed a nod as he approaches; Stede still held bridal-style in his arms. "That you angling to call a cab?" he asks.
"He wants more than a cab," Ed agrees. "Look at him… All… ravishable… We're hoping Pete's still game for what we discussed before…"
He peers over to where Pete, Lu, Archie, Jim and Maggie are now laughing like drains. "If not, I'm sure someone will be up for handing out spankings…"
"And I'm not allowed to volunteer?" Lan asks slyly.
"Last time you hit on Lucius he had a crisis," Izzy points out.
"Anyway, we already decided it's my turn," Stede says. "Because of how good I was before."
Izzy looks unimpressed. "Oh, 'good', were you?"
"Yes!" Stede insists. "I was focused on the mission! Looking for lesbians! And they sold me drugs first. It's not my fault it turned out to be baking powder."
"You bought that baking powder like a pro. And now you get to be treated any way you like." Ed says this with conviction, and a pointed look to Izzy. "I'll spoil you rotten."
"We'd better get you home, then," Izzy says, with a little grin. "I'd better go wrangle those two. Lil, Lan… it's been… something. We should talk more when all of this is… I was gonna say 'more normal', but that's not gonna happen, is it?"
"Probably not," Lil replies. "But yeah, we'll catch up later. You go reward Stede for being good."
"Thank you," Stede says.
***
With a nod to the two people he's pretty sure are lesbians (despite their avowed desire to make Maynard cry), Izzy heads over to where Lu and Pete are sitting and talking to Jim, Archie and Maggie.
Olu is still… conspicuously absent, and talking to Zheng. Which… is a little unexpected, but he seems to be alive and intact so there's no immediate cause for concern.
"We're getting ready to head off home," Izzy says. "Can I drag you two away or do you want me to persuade the others to hold out?"
"Mmm, why don't you persuade us to come… with?" Lucius asks, stretching himself out over the table and lifting his ass invitingly as he does.
Which means Archie smacks it before he can stop her, and gets herself a very surprised yelp from him in response.
"Hey!"
"What? You're into that, aren't you?"
"Normally people have permission first. That's very rude, and Izzy will be cross." Lucius pouts. "He might not beast you because you're new, but don't… do that."
"Oh! Fuck. Sorry, boss!"
"Normally I'd be mad, but he was asking for it," Izzy says, giving Lucius a look. "Lucius, stop inciting people to spank you, especially with the lesbians on the prowl."
"Did it go OK with them?" Pete asks, more levelly; aware that Izzy had been quite rattled by the revelations about them.
"Yeah, I think so," Izzy replies. "Gonna talk more later, but… I get it. And they're still good guys, so it's all right."
"Wait, what is going on?" Archie asks. "Because I am so fucking confused. I get that it wasn't a real bust, but… the fuck is really going on?"
Lucius pouts at being told off. "Everyone's a fucking spy, or fucking a spy, or about to fuck a spy…"
Archie narrows her eyes. "I'm not fucking a spy." A beat. "Wait, am I?"
"…Not that I know of," Izzy manages. "But you are spy-adjacent because of being part of the taskforce, so it's close."
A beat. "Obviously you guys are off-duty now, so you can hang around here as long as you like. Can I at least trust one of you to get the van back to the station, even if you have to come back for it when you're sober?"
"Aye-aye, Captain," Jim snaps off a sharp salute.
"Maggie said there's rooms here so we can stay if we want to." Archie grins, widely. "Maybe they have handcuffs in there, too?"
Lucius drops his head down onto the table. "Izzy, tell them they can't come back, after."
"…Technically I can't," Izzy points out. "But I can insist on adding them to the calendar if they start wanting to."
"You might want to do a training session on the calendar," Maggie remarks, with a wicked little grin. "It doesn't seem to be working as intended." It's possible she's still watching Jack and Maynard dancing.
"That was Stede's fault!" Izzy insists. "And I will be speaking to him about it!"
"Ooh, 'speaking'," Pete echoes. "I like it when you… speak him. I mean, speak to him."
Izzy folds his arms. Pete does not look as apologetic as he should.
"If you don't convince us soon, I might wiggle my arse at Archie and Jim some more," Lucius announces. "Hell, maybe even Maggie. Why not?"
"Wait, am I allowed to spank him if he does?" Archie looks hopeful.
"If he carries on like this, yes," Izzy says, flatly. "Lucius, up. You too, Pete. We have to take Stede home before he gets any worse."
"Do you think it will work?" Pete asks, though he does start rising to his feet.
"No. But still, I try."
"Aw. Next time." Lucius blows Archie a kiss. "Thanks for asking, though. I know I do have an excellent arse…"
He has no interest in Archie, Jim, or Maggie, but it is still nice to be appreciated. And also nice to gently wind up Izzy. A flounce to his feet and a little shimmy of said ass on the way to slink against Izzy, he peers to see where the others are. Hopefully with a taxi close by, because they're going to want to move sharpish.
"It's not bad," Jim agrees. "But if I had to pick from the three of you…"
"Oooh, who would it be?" Pete says, before Izzy can stop him. "Is it me? It's me, right?"
Maggie stifles a giggle and then starts trying to pretend she did no such thing. Which just makes it worse.
"Yours is also nice," Jim admits. But then says no more.
Archie barks in laughter. "You have a thing for the Captain's arse!"
"I said nothing." Jim shrugs, nonchalantly.
"You minx, he's a married man!" Lucius can't help but stomp-wiggle in excitement. "But he does have an amazing arse!"
"The whole lot of you are gonna find yourself doing overtime for the rest of your lives!" Izzy exclaims. "And that anti-corruption training package. The one with the test at the end."
"…That means he's touched," Pete translates.
Izzy seizes first Pete, then Lucius by the earlobe. "Come along, you two, before I forget I'm not supposed to spank you in public."
"I mean, if you're gonna, you're in the right place," Maggie can't help saying.
This gets her a Look. "Don't you start. And don't spend all night hitting on Jack and Maynard. Not unless you're also gonna take responsibility for dealing with the fallout."
"Aww, shall I tell them you do care?"
"No."
Lucius puts a hand around his mouth to stage-whisper: "He does."
"Don't bother, mate," Archie consoles Maggie. "They're 'look but don't touch', and more trouble than they're worth. If you need a nice man or two, we can help you find one. Right, Jim?"
Jim nods. "But not here."
"…just try to behave. Ish," Izzy says. And then, to his boys, "Come on, you two."
And he half-leads, half-drags them off before things get any worse.