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Chapter Text

Benji Dunn has always loved stories. Books, opera, games, movies – any way a story can be told, he’ll drink it in. Stories helped him be brave, to find his courage, to learn how to survive. In the darkest times of his life (and there were some very dark times. Long before the IMF. Long before Benji knew he what was and became the man he was today) stories taught him how to survive, taught him there was hope, taught him he would find his place in the world.

And in loving these stories, Benji always wanted to share these stories. He loaned books and played games online and took dates to the opera. He hosted movie nights with his friends.

Which is why, watching Ethan Hunt settle down to another Saturday of going through mission reports, Benji Dunn took his courage in his hands and asked Ethan round to his place for a movie night.

(Benji of a few years ago would never have dared. But Benji was given a phone by Ethan Hunt, and chosen to be on his team, and he’s started to feel like maybe, perhaps, they could be friends).

‘It’s Saturday night, Ethan, the entire world is out partying. You can’t stay locked in an office all evening.’

(Somewhere Benji knows that Ethan doesn’t want to go back to a home still empty without Julia)

‘It’s kind of you to offer, Benji, but I just want to go through these, check if there’s anything we ought to know about.’ Ethan gestured at his desk, and pushed his hand through his hair, in a way that suggested the tug on the roots was the only thing waking him up.

‘There’ll be there on Monday morning, you know,’ Benji said, staring at the pile of papers. But this relationship of theirs is too new, and he doesn’t want to push it. He’s not sure how much of a friend he’s allowed to be to his dazzling, legendary team leader. ‘But – the offer’s there if you want it. Goodnight, Ethan.’

‘Goodnight, Benji.’

Benji left, certain that he’d be spending Saturday night at home alone too.

Which was why he was so surprised when Ethan knocked on his door ten minutes after he got home, and sheepishly asked if the offer for movie night was still on?

(This is Benji’s story, so he doesn’t know why. But you and I – we can peep behind the curtain a little. And there we see Luther, seeing Ethan turn Benji away and yet watch him longingly as he leaves. Wanting some of that brightness, that warmth, that Benji spreads so easily for himself. And Luther telling Ethan to go and have movie night, for crying out loud. A little team bonding. Get to know the man. And Luther shoves his jacket in his hand and hurries him out of the door to spend the evening with the only other person Luther trusts to look after Ethan.)

‘Yes – yes, of course, come in,’ Benji stammered. Ethan walked into Benji’s little apartment. ‘Can I get you anything? Beer, coffee, water…I’ve got a massive pile of popcorn just being popped – do you like it sweet or salty?’

‘Whatever you’re having is fine,’ Ethan said, looking around. Benji had the impression he was scanning for hostiles, but to be fair that was Ethan’s response to any room he entered, so that was hardly surprising. ‘I should have bought something, sorry.’

‘Your company is all I need,’ Benji said, hurrying to the kitchen. ‘Make yourself comfortable, I’ll just be a minute.’

From the kitchen, Benji could see Ethan looking around. He knew Ethan would need a minute or two to familiarise himself with a new place before he could settle. Through the gap in the door hinges he watched Ethan walk the room, note the window facing the street, the bookcase stuffed to overflowing with books and DVDs, the games consoles surrounding the TV, the old-fashioned music centre that could play CDs and records and tapes. Ethan crouched in front of it, flipping through the records. Benji came back in with a massive bowl of popcorn.

‘My parents had one like this,’ Ethan said, gesturing towards the music centre.

‘Some opera performances you can only get on record, or tape,’ Benji explained. ‘They’re too obscure to ever get transferred to CD, or digital download, so…’

‘I never knew opera was your thing,’ Ethan said, standing. ‘I had you down for Britpop or something.’

Benji snorted as he handed Ethan a bottle of coke.

‘Britpop! No, it’s opera for me, ever since I was little and heard Joan Sutherland sing the Queen of the Night aria. I thought it was pretty and then someone told me she’s actually trying to persuade her daughter to kill her boyfriend and from then on I was hooked. People think opera is all pretty tunes, but its full of emotion and death and desire and love and all sung in these beautiful arias and – well, it’s not what people expect if they only see what’s on the surface.’

‘Just like you,’ Ethan said. ‘Far more than what you appear to be.’

Benji blushed and turned to the sofa.

‘Take your jacket off, settle down, and we’ll get the movie started. I’ve chosen Star Wars. I know you’ve probably seen it but…’

‘Not since I was a kid,’ Ethan said, slipping off his jacket and draping it over the back of an armchair. ‘When was the last time you saw it?’

‘About six months ago,’ Benji said, sitting down on the sofa and pointing the remote at the TV. ‘This will be my fiftieth viewing.’

‘You’re not bored of it?’ Ethan said, sitting down beside him. He doesn’t allow himself to slouch into the sofa, although it’s very comfortable. He sits with his back straight.

‘Can never get bored of a good story,’ Benji said, as the screen lit up his face. ‘There’s always something new to see. Ready?’

Benji hadn’t been sure Ethan would enjoy Star Wars. But he appeared captivated. Seeing it through his eyes gave Benji a whole new insight into the movie. Leia reminded him of Julia, all fire and independence. And the central story – that of hope against all the odds, of trying and trying and trying again, of fighting beside your friends, no matter how hopeless the cause – that seemed very important now. Ethan’s reactions made Benji think about things he hadn’t considered before – how much his friends mattered to Luke, how the goodness shone out of Han despite him trying to hide it, how they would all follow Leia anywhere and do anything, and she knew it, and felt a terrible sense of responsibility for it.

Both of them had been leaning forward on the sofa for the final thrilling moments, and as soon as the closing credits began to play, they sat back, sighing.

‘You’re right,’ Ethan said. ‘That’s a great movie.’

‘I know!’ Benji crowed in joy. Ethan had relaxed, the tension gone from his shoulders. He no longer looked up each time a car passed the building or tensed each time he heard a noise outside. Between them they’d managed to eat all the popcorn. The evening had been a success.

‘Glad you enjoyed it,’ Benji said. ‘Thanks for accepting my invitation, you’re good company.’

Ethan actually blushed a little.

‘I need to confess – Luther made me. He thinks I need to – well the phrase he used was '’learn to behave like a human being, for god’s sake, Ethan.’’

Benji let out a shout of laughter.

‘Well, you’ve made a very convincing human tonight.’

‘Not normally?’ Ethan questioned, turning to look at him.

‘Hmm – you’re a top secret deadly super-spy agent, so I guess – you can’t afford to be as human as the rest of us,’ Benji said. ‘Which is a shame, because you make a good human.’

Ethan smiled at him and nodded. Benji had a point – but so much rested on Ethan. So many lives, not just his own, but those he never met and yet still depended on him to get it right. No wonder he felt a kinship with Leia – sending her friends into battle to save the galaxy, unable ever to relax for a moment.

(Benji saw that too, right at that moment. That’s why he made the next suggestion.)

‘It’s early. We’ve got time for Empire Strikes Back…’

‘I’ve never seen that,’ Ethan said, sitting back. ‘I mean – I know about Darth Vader being his father and…’

‘Oh mate. There’s so much more than that. This one is my favourite.’

Ethan watched it intently. When Leia said she loved Han, and Han replied ‘I know,’ Benji could have sworn he saw tears in Ethan’s eyes. As the credits rolled on a Rebellion facing defeat, and friends separated from the one they loved, Benji took one look at Ethan’s grave face. He looked so serious and so sad.

‘Right, you’re not going home until you’ve seen Return of the Jedi.’

It was late as the credits rolled and Ethan turned to Benji, grinning.

‘That was fantastic. I loved that, thank you.’

‘Glad we had time for you to see the happy ending. And the Ewoks,’ Benji said. He saw Ethan glance at the clock and Benji stood up. It was late, and it was time for Ethan to go, he supposed.

‘Thanks for coming. It’s good to watch movies with friends.’

‘Even movies you’ve seen fifty times before?’ Ethan teased as he stood up beside him.

‘You made me see something new in them, so yes, thanks for that.’ Benji went to get to Ethan’s jacket. ‘So do you feel more human?’

Ethan took a breath.

‘Yes, I think so. For now, at least. When I go back on the mission…’

‘I know,’ Benji said, and for a moment something hung in the air, as the meaning of that phrase in those movies lingered between them. ‘But at least you could be human tonight. Would you – would you like to do it again, sometimes? I mean – I know half the time we’re working on a Saturday and one of us is out of town but…’

‘Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that,’ Ethan said. ‘Ask me again sometime.’

Chapter Text

Of course, the trouble with another movie night was finding a suitable movie. Nothing about spies – they couldn’t take those seriously. Nothing too action-orientated – Benji had once found himself holed up with Ethan and Jane when the only thing on the TV was a martial arts movie and the two of them had spent the entire evening critiquing all the moves and then trying to recreate them. Nothing that was just purely romance – nothing that would make Ethan think of Julia or make Benji too aware of the man by his side, the man he was falling more deeply in love with than he thought he was capable of. (Benji had thought all those love until death, never part, live only for each other romances he’d seen in movies a tad overblown. Now he was in the middle of a love story just like that, only he was absolutely sure it was completely one-sided. If only he could have seen what Luther saw – the way Ethan lit up when Benji walked into a room, the way Ethan asked for Benji if he wasn’t there, the way he automatically turned to Benji at every moment maybe he’d think differently. Luther was relieved, by the way. Ethan needed to love and never expected any return, but someone needed to love him just as deeply, to make sure he stayed alive.)

Eventually he chose an old favourite – The Princess Bride.

This time Ethan showed up with popcorn – sweet, much to Benji’s surprise. And several bottles of a sweet fruit juice based drink Benji had taken a liking to on one of their missions abroad and hadn’t been able to find in America. And a smile. An actual smile.

‘I haven’t seen The Princess Bride,’ Ethan said, coming in and draping his jacket in what had very quickly become its usual place.

‘Neither have I,’ Benji said, pouring the juice into glasses. ‘Which is odd, because I know all the references – do you want ice in your drink by the way – like skip to the end and mawwiage and so on – amazing what you can pick up online without ever actually seeing the source material – here’s your drink – I thought it was about time I saw it.’

‘I know the jokes too,’ Ethan said. ‘Skip to the end is a really useful phrase!’

‘Isn’t it?’ Benji agreed.

The first few moments of the film were confusing.

‘Is that – is that Denlinger?’ Benji said, staring at Westley.

‘Can’t be,’ Ethan said, also staring. ‘Denlinger never looked so – so…’

‘Hot,’ Benji supplied, helpfully.

‘Not the word I was going for but – yes, ok. Hot.’ Ethan agreed. ‘Just a coincidence. A really baffling, really unsettling coincidence.’

But that’s not when Benji realises watching this film was a mistake. Oh no. It’s every time Buttercup makes a demand and Westley replies ‘as you wish.’

Because the more Benji watches, the more he realises that he is just the same as Westley. Oh, Ethan is no Princess Buttercup and Benji doesn’t use the phrase as you wish. He babbles and argues and complies and demands. But still – Ethan asks and Benji always says yes, somehow, and every time he does, he is really saying ‘I love you.’ Just like Westley. He’s fairly sure he has the same besotted gaze as Westley when he glazes at Ethan.

He's certain Ethan is going to catch onto that.  But when he turned to look at Ethan finally, he was completely absorbed in Inigo Montoya. Somehow, he seemed to have missed the similarity of Westley’s devotion and Benji’s devotion.

(Luther hadn’t, let’s make this clear. Luther had suggested The Princess Bride to Benji for that very reason. He kicked himself later for not realising that Ethan would immediately imprint on Inigo and totally miss the Benji and Westley parallel. Perhaps the whole Denlinger likeness had thrown him off)

The movie night ended with them both giggling and repeating key phrases to each other like the absolute fanboys they had become. (Although Benji will find himself saying ‘as you wish’ to Ethan far too often, and have to catch himself in the weeks to come).

But at the end of the evening, at the door, Ethan turns to Benji and says;

‘Never do that, will you?’

‘Never do what?’

‘Disappear and pretend to be dead for years. Or days. Or even hours. Don’t do that, will you?’

(Perhaps Ethan is not as oblivious as he appears. Perhaps he caught onto the parallels right away)

‘Only if you don’t.’ Benji snaps back, immediately.

‘I will try my very best.’

Chapter Text

‘You’ve got new books,’ Ethan said, studying the shelves. ‘Travel guides.’

‘Do have my bookshelves memorised already?’ Benji said. ‘Yeah, we end up in so many places I thought it’d be handy to have learned a few facts.’

‘I always memorise the subway system,’ Ethan agreed.

‘You on the tube,’ Benji laughed. ‘I’d love to see that.’

‘For your information, I use the tube a lot,’ Ethan retorted. ‘I can get from one side of London to another without glancing at a tube map.’

‘Better than me, then. And most Londoners, to be fair. You like it there, don’t you? London, I mean.’

‘People tend to ignore me there, I can be invisible,’ Ethan said, flipping through the records. ‘You got some new ones.’

‘Jessye Norman, the ultimate Wagnerian soprano,’ Benji told him. ‘You know my place so well, I should come along and poke through your record collection sometime.’

‘Not much to see,’ Ethan said, standing upright. ‘I don’t have much, not really. Just – just the bare bones, It’s just a place to crash, between missions.’

‘What happened to all your stuff?’ Benji asked, before regretting the question. He’d been to Julia and Ethan’s house – it had been full of things – favourite dishes and photos on the walls and books every where. But the last thing Benji wants is to remind Ethan of the happy life he’d had with Julia once.

‘It was – too complicated,’ Ethan said. ‘It – I’m not I can explain. But - did you ever see Heat?’

‘No, never,’ Benji said, confused, as they sat down. ‘We can watch it tonight, if you like. I hadn’t chosen a movie yet.’

‘Yeah. Yeah, let’s watch that one. Then maybe you’ll see what I mean.’

Heat hits hard. It’s not the violence (it’s not even the way Ethan’s eyes linger over the hitman, which Benji notices and tries very hard to parse, given his current understanding of Ethan). It’s the loss. The loss of love and companionship and trust and hope. The victory at the end feels hollow.

‘Brilliant movie in some ways but depressing,’ Benji said, once it’s over. He’s not afraid to give his opinion to Ethan. They’ve been together long enough now to know that Ethan wants to know what he thinks, whether Ethan agrees or not. ‘Terrible action sequences, what was that, a never-ending ammo clip in every gun? Not realistic in the slightest, that bit. But some very cool moments. Fantastic use of colour.’

‘I agree about the gunfight, but that’s not why I suggested we watch this one,’ Ethan said.

 ‘Why does this one matter to you - oh – you’re thinking of that that line aren’t you – never get attached to anything you couldn’t bear to leave behind in thirty seconds? Something like that?’

‘It resonated for me,’ Ethan admitted, sitting back on the sofa, staring at the screen as the credits rolled, carefully not looking at Benji.

Oh. The empty house. No possessions, nothing that mattered. Nothing it would hurt to leave behind. Benji understood now. Ethan was using the movie to explain.

‘That’s no way to live, Ethan,’ Benji said gently, beside him, trying to be his friend, to be so much more, to be what Ethan needs.

Ethan stared down at his drink.

‘I know,’ he said quietly. ‘But it’s all I can do, for now. Maybe things will change one day but…’

‘It doesn’t apply to you anyway,’ Benji said quickly. ‘In the movie – he’s talking about things and people. I mean, I know you can leave things behind. Remember in Istanbul, where I tracked you by the trail of your clothes you’d left lying behind you as you ran across the city, stealing disguise after disguise? But people – you can never leave people behind. You’d never walk away, like he did. You never could.’

‘Are you sure?’ Ethan said, looking up at him. ‘I did with Julia.’

‘Julia died.’

‘Are you sure?’ Ethan repeated. Benji looked at him, really studied him, and then sighed.

‘No. I never believed that story,’ he admitted finally. Not after Julia had come running through the corridor just to say goodbye to him as they left for Croatia. Not after the story about Julia having died was carefully kept away from Benji.

Ethan fiddled with the popcorn in the bowl beside him, not looking at Benji. Benji could see it felt like a weight off his shoulders, finally telling him – but also guilt, so much guilt, at robbing Benji of someone he had known and cared for, and not telling him the truth. He’d half expected Benji to be angry. (Benji had got over his anger, long ago. Truth to tell, he would have done the same.)

‘It was to keep her safe. I had to – I had to leave her behind. So you see – you’re wrong. I would leave someone behind.’

‘No, you kept her safe,’ Benji insisted. ‘You never leave us behind for any other reason. Never. I know you wouldn’t.  No matter what.’

‘I would,’ Ethan insisted, looking up at him. (His gaze was so fervent, so intense, and Benji would realise much much later that something in Ethan was already preparing. Somewhere deep inside him he knew he’d have to run, sooner or later, possibly sooner and this was the moment he prepared Benji for that.)

Benji studied Ethan. Well, this explained so much. No wonder Ethan was trying to become something so – so not human. The way he treated his body like a tool, or a weapon, or a trick. Something to be used, battered, broken, and then fixed up again. Even his mind, relentlessly trained to see and notice and examine everything, never having a moment’s rest. Here, on movie night, Ethan was human, feeling and crying and laughing. But out there – out there he had to be something else. Something both more and less than human.

Benji’s heart ached for Ethan. He wanted to tell him – what? He didn’t know the words. All he could do was offer him these few hours of softness and gentleness and kindness. Let him be human, for the length of one movie. Let him be Ethan, Benji’s friend.

And then he would walk out the door and become Ethan Hunt, agent, spy, legend.

‘Wrong movie,’ Benji said, getting up. ‘You’re getting Heat and Princess Bride mixed up. You might disappear for months, even years, but you’d come back to me, just like Westley did.’

‘You can’t be sure of that – and are you sure you want to cast yourself as Buttercup?’ Ethan said, standing up and smiling.

‘Only in the loosest sense. I mean – you’d come back to me. I know you would. I would never lose faith.’

He stood at the door. He would have liked to ask Ethan to stay the night, sleep in the spare room, but he never would. This always ended with the closing credits.

‘Benji…’ Ethan said sadly, as he stood at the door.

‘You’d come back to me,’ Benji insisted. Ethan nodded and left.

He disappeared one week later.

Chapter Text

After London Benji had been keeping himself to himself. He didn’t reach out, to anyone. He was friendly, and kind, as he had always been. He fiercely demanded he be allowed to go straight back out on missions, insisting he was alright, refusing to allow himself to be a burden.

(‘He should rest,’ Ethan said to Luther. ‘Would you?’ Luther replied.)

As an agent, he was harder, sharper than before. As a person – who knew. He stayed at home, and stared at his records and books and movies and found every story had something to hurt him in. Some reminder of a bomb around his neck, or being tied to a chair, or the way Lane had leaned into his face as if he were nothing more than a useful specimen. He didn’t feel – human.

And after a while he remembered how he had been trying to make Ethan feel more human by showing him movies. So maybe that would work for Benji. He asked Ethan to bring a favourite movie round.

(Ethan had practically sobbed in relief when Benji had diffidently suggested another movie night. He’d talked to Luther for a good few hours about which movie he ought to take. In the end Luther had just said ‘take something you love. Let him see what you like.’)

So now Ethan stood at Benji’s door. He seemed nervous, as he had the first time. He had bought crisps (enough time in London, and with Benji, had trained him out of calling them chips) in all kinds of exotic flavours, and a box of PG Tips teabags, as he knew Benji had run out and had been moaning he couldn’t find any in the city.

It had the desired effect. Benji laughed as he took the teabags and went off to make tea. Ethan roamed the flat. Benji could see him from the kitchen again. This was a constant habit of Ethan’s. He was like a cat that had to examine every corner of the room, even one he knew well, before he could settle. Benji knew what he would find. There was dust on the records, and the books and the games. Not filth, Benji clearly cleaned, but they weren’t being used in-between cleanings.

Benji took a breath. Here he was, opening himself up to Ethan. Well, he’d asked Ethan to open up to him. It was only fair he reciprocate.

‘What movie did you bring?’ Benji called out.

‘Rear Window,’ Ethan called back. ‘I hope you haven’t seen it.’

‘You know, my knowledge of Hitchcock is sadly lacking,’ Benji said, coming in and holding out a cup of tea to Ethan. ‘You’re a fan?’

‘Mmm, Julia loved his movies and made me watch them all. He’s good, very clever, makes you really care about his characters, even the evil ones, even the ones that just appear briefly. And of course, he’s really good at tension. I wasn’t sure it would be suitable…’

‘I don’t need to be cossetted, Ethan,’ Benji said. ‘I can take a suspense movie. Ok – well, let’s have a look at it.’

They sat side by the side on sofa, the open packets of crisps on the table before them, and Ethan put the DVD in.

When it got to the moment where James Stewart picked up his camera and began to secretly watch everyone in the apartments opposite him, Benji turned to Ethan.

‘Uh-huh – this feels a little familiar,’ he said dryly. Ethan only did his ‘I know’ shrug.

And at the moment where James Stewart turned down the advances of Grace Kelly (despite her appearing like the most alluring woman that had ever existed on a movie screen) in favour of watching the neighbours, Benji laughed out loud. Ok, maybe this movie was the right choice for Benji.

But later, as the hero watched his girlfriend from across the street, watched the killer get closer and closer to her and be unable to warn her, watched her in danger and know he couldn’t save her, Benji found his hands gripping the sofa tight, leaning forward so far he thought he would crawl into the screen.

‘Is this ok? We can stop the movie,’ Ethan said.

‘Don’t you dare,’ Benji whispered. He felt Ethan’s hand twitch next to his own, and he grasped it convulsively. He watched until the movie’s end, until everyone was safe, until there was a happy ending, then he fell back, exhausted.

‘That is an amazing movie,’ he breathed.

‘Sorry -sorry – I know it upset you – it was a bad choice…’ Ethan was saying over him. Benji squeezed his hand.

‘No – no, it was the perfect choice. I needed that, I really needed that.’

‘Why?’ Ethan asked, puzzled. ‘It seemed to distress you…’

‘That moment,’ Benji said. ‘Where he’s watching her – watching this person he loves – be in danger and all he can do is watch, he can’t get to her, he can’t save her, he can only hope she saves herself, and he can’t do anything. That’s what it’s like for me, with you. All I can do is watch you run into danger, and I can’t save you, I can just hope you can save yourself. That – what I feel like – that was it, right there on the screen. Hitchcock – he put my worst fears right on screen.’

Ethan squeezed his hand tighter.

‘That’s why you showed it to me, isn’t it?’ Benji said softly. ‘You wanted me to know that you know – you know what it’s like for me, watching you.’

Ethan stayed silent. He only looked at Benji, his eyes eloquent as ever. Words never came easy to him but this movie – this said all he wanted to say, right now, at this moment.

‘Thank you,’ Benji said, in a very quiet voice. ‘Thank you.’

When Ethan left, a little while afterwards, Benji was looking through his records, trying to find a specific recording. He had a longing for Puccini.

(Ethan called Luther as soon as he could. Benji didn’t hear their conversation, but we can. We know that Ethan thanked Luther for pushing him to choose this movie. And that Luther asked if Ethan had said anything more and Ethan said no, now is not the time. And Luther sighed deeply and wondered when the time would be.)

Chapter Text

‘Let’s go to the cinema for Halloween,’ Benji said, impulsively, leaning on Ethan’s desk.

‘I’m not really into horror movies,’ Ethan said. ‘I’m not against the idea of cinema with you.’ Work had been quiet lately, and Benji was recovering. Something of the old spark was coming back, as Ethan involved him more and more in his plans.

(‘Let him take some of the weight off your shoulders,’ Luther had said. ‘He’s more than capable. Crazy as you are, in some ways.’)

‘Yeah, I don’t really want to do horror movies right now either. Or spy movies, or hostage situations,’ Benji confided. ‘However – the Addams Family double bill – quite different.’

Ethan glanced over at Luther, including him in the invite.

‘Oh, I’m busy Halloween,’ Luther said.

(He really is. Luther has a rich and varied life outside the IMF. He has no intention of letting either of these two anywhere near it. Luther is the king of compartmentalisation)

‘With what?’ Benji demanded.

‘My own secret plans, that have nothing to do with you,’ Luther retorted. ‘Go to the damn cinema, Ethan. Say yes.’

‘I was going to say yes,’ Ethan objected. ‘I’ve never seen either movie, so yes.’

‘You trust my judgement?’ Benji asked.

‘Always and forever,’ Ethan replied, once again leaving Benji breathless with the depth of faith Ethan had in him.

Benji was right. Ethan loved the Addams Family movies. Benji could tell in the way Ethan never took his eyes off the screen. The way he smiled a little as they accepted every weirdo and outcast and freak they met, and made them a part of their family. The endless love they had for each other. The deep intense devotion Morticia and Gomez displayed at every occasion. When Wednesday lit the match, Ethan actually cheered along with the rest of the cinema.

Ethan was actually grinning on the walk home. Shivering – it was a cold October and Ethan felt the cold – but laughing as Benji recited his favourite parts of the movie. Halfway home, Benji dashed into a bar that was about to close and quickly bought a hot apple cider to take away, shoving it into Ethan’s cold hands.

‘You never wear enough layers,’ Benji grumbled. ‘One day you’re going to die from cold, you mark my words.’

‘Nah, you’ll rescue me,’ Ethan replied, still grinning. ‘You know, Wednesday really reminds me of you, you know?’

‘I don’t know, explain?’

‘The way she stood up for her right to be who she wanted to be, and for justice and for doing the right thing even when it was unpopular.’

‘Hmm,’ Benji said, his cheeks flushing with pleasure. Was that how Ethan saw him? ‘She actually reminded me of you.’

‘How?’

‘The willingness to set everything on fire or blow it up. And also all the black. But mostly the destructive streak.’

Ethan laughed again. Benji thought he might have laughed more in the last evening than in the last year.

‘It’s late, fancy staying at mine tonight?’ Benji asked, still giddy. Ethan thought for a moment and then nodded.

‘Yeah, that’d be good.’

They walked home full of streets of people dressed as monsters.

Once home, Benji let them in and switched the heating on, bustling around making sure the spare room was warm, and had enough blankets. Finally it was all ready.

‘Thanks for coming with me,’ Benji said. ‘It was a good night.’

‘Thanks for asking me,’ Ethan said. ‘I – I’m grateful you still want to be friends, after everything. I put you in unconscionable danger because of my own selfishness and…’

‘That’s not how I see it at all, Ethan!’ Benji stopped and pulled Ethan round to face him. ‘You needed help and you called me and I will forever be grateful for that. You are my friend, as I told you very firmly, and part of being a friend is being there when needed. I’m only sorry you didn’t call me sooner.’

‘I almost got you killed…’

‘Lane almost got me killed,’ Benji said firmly. ‘You saved me. I’m not saying I’m over it or anything – but I’m getting there. Tonight helped. You helped. And Lane is safely locked up, thanks to you.’

Ethan was about to reply, but his phone beeped. He looked at the message and frowned.

‘Message from Luther?’ Benji asked.

‘No, from the IMF. Something about plutonium cores. Nothing that can’t wait until morning.’

Chapter Text

It was worse this time. Last time Lane had almost killed Benji but this time – this time he actually had. The first time all Benji had to do was sit there and watch Ethan as the bomb counted down but this time – he felt the life choke out of him, agonisingly slowly and yet far too fast. He had fought against it, best as he could, kicked and struggled and cut yet still his eyes had closed, still he felt the darkness envelope him, still he felt his breath stop.

He had died.

It had been the most terrifying moment of his entire life. It had nearly been the last moment of Benji’s life, if it hadn’t been for Ilsa. And all because of Lane, who had been safely locked up, and who Benji himself had freed.

Lane hadn’t even been a little bit grateful. Bastard.

And now here he was, Lane locked up again, but he had been locked up last time too, and Ethan had needed him, so out Lane came. Benji had no fear that Ethan would free Lane again – the look of absolute terror on Ethan’s face when Benji explained exactly what Lane had done to him reassured him somewhat. As well as Ethan’s fervent apologies and promises it would never happen again. But someone else might free Lane. Someone might find him useful. Benji would have to be the one to pay the price (Lane had made that quite clear) and he doubted he’d survive a third round.

He put his books away. He put his music away. He put his games and movies away. He locked them in storage, and moved to another place, somewhere smaller, close to the IMF offices. He went to the gym instead of the movies, shot at targets instead of the screen, listened to hours of surveillance records rather than music. He forced himself to become a better agent.

Something more than human. Less than human.

And every night he woke up screaming, certain he was dying.

Ethan and Luther constantly asked if he was ok and he always said yes, of course he was. He was an agent, wasn’t he? Ethan’s devoted right hand man – one of them anyway. With him till death, which seemed a breath away these days. Nothing else to do with what was left of his little life than support Ethan until the day he inevitably closed his eyes and never opened them again. He only hoped Ethan wouldn’t mourn too much. Just a little, a few tears perhaps. But then again, nothing stopped Ethan these days, did it?

Movie nights were forgotten except – one night there was a knock at Benji’s door. He checked the camera before he opened it. Ethan stood there, holding a takeaway carton.

‘Ethan? What’s wrong?’ Benji asked, opening the door.

‘Nothing, just – we haven’t had a movie night in a while, that’s all,’ Ethan said. ‘I bought – I bought Chinese.’

He held up the takeaway carton.

‘Thanks – but I’m not really in the mood, mate,’ Benji said. ‘Another time, yeah?’

‘Now, please,’ Ethan said, softly. ‘Just – just one evening. Just one.’

(Luther had sent him. Luther had looked at Ethan in the office, staring into space, coffee by his side long gone cold, not even twitching, and told him to go to movie night. Ethan had argued Benji didn’t want him there. Luther had asked if he had even asked Benji, and to just try a little, please, for one night. For both their sakes. Luther rarely pleaded. Ethan gave in.)

Benji looked at him. He’d never been able to say no to Ethan and he opened the door wide.

‘I haven’t got any movies,’ he said. ‘My DVDs are all in storage and I haven’t signed up for any streaming services.’

Ethan looked round the new room, all pale greys and muted brown, functional and bare. There was nothing for him to look at here, no clues to Benji and his tastes and his personality and what he was thinking these days.

It was eerily familiar.

‘I bought one,’ Ethan said. ‘Do you have a DVD player?’

Benji did, for watching surveillance videos and old briefings.

‘What’s the movie?’ he said, sitting down as Ethan inserted the movie.

‘The Pink Panther.’

‘The cartoon?’

‘No – the original movie. It’s a heist movie. It’s got David Niven in it. It’s – it’s funny.’

Benji sat beside Ethan, back straight, constantly glancing out of the window at every noise. But as the movie played, he began to relax a little, even smiling at Inspector Clouseau’s antics. By the time of the car chase, he actually laughed a little.

‘Car chase in Rome, what a nightmare,’ he commented.

‘Definitely one to be avoided,’ Ethan agreed. His hand brushed Benji’s, but Benji flinched.

‘Sorry,’ he said, ashamed.

‘Not -I – don’t worry,’ Ethan said gently.

‘I just – ‘

‘No. I get it. Just – watch the movie, ok? It’s getting to the ending, you’ll like this.’

Benji did, as much as he saw of it. Almost as soon as the end title card appeared, his eyes closed, and his head fell back and then against Ethan’s shoulder. Ethan looked round to see Benji asleep against him.

Benji didn’t know that he’d fallen asleep against Ethan. He only knew that in his dreams, he felt safe for the first time since Kashmir. He didn’t feel like he was dying. He felt like he was flying. He wasn’t aware that Ethan gently pulled a blanket him, or that he sat there, barely daring to move, all night.

Benji only knew that this time, he didn’t wake up with a scream.

‘Hello,’ Ethan said, as Benji looked up.

‘Umm. What?’ Benji replied. It was obviously hours after the movie had finished. There was the faintest glimmer of dawn outside.

‘You fell asleep. I didn’t want to wake you.’

‘You’ve been here all night?’

Ethan nodded.

(He had been thinking all night. As Benji took his rest on Ethan’s shoulder, the thoughts had raced through Ethan’s head. Gratitude that Benji felt safe enough to rest on Ethan’s shoulder, fear that he nearly lost him, terror that he could lose him again. And around that dark dark hour of three, the time when our thoughts are at their worst, a steely resolve. His love for Benji - that deep and abiding love, that kept Ethan warm and alive, had to be hidden. A diamond tucked back into the heart of the earth, covered up forever. It was a mistake, you and I know that. But you and I know what is happening in Ethan’s mind. Benji, normally so perceptive, is so wrapped up in pain and fear, he can’t see through to Ethan’s heart this time. He can’t see what we can see.)

‘I owe you that,’ Ethan said. His hand cupped Benji’s cheek. ‘I owe you everything and all I did was take away your peace of mind.’

‘No – Lane did that….’

‘Lane did that because I allowed him to. I have been so careless with you, Benji.’ He kissed Benji on the forehead, a holy kiss, a sacrosanct seal. ‘I’ll be more careful. No one will ever get to you because of me again. No one.’

‘Ethan…’

Ethan stood up as Benji pushed himself back off Ethan’s shoulder and onto the sofa.

‘He gave it all up for love,’ Ethan said, nodding at the DVD box on the floor. ‘Gave up the jewel…see you later, Benji.’

Benji watched him leave, confused, puzzled and lost.

(This is Benji’s story. But you and I, we have to know something Benji doesn’t. So let’s allow ourselves to eavesdrop on Luther and Ethan for a moment. )

Ethan found Luther in one of the IMF offices on the top floor, where light streamed through the windows. Ethan always liked to be high up, and Luther always craved daylight.

‘How is he?’ Luther asked.

‘Not good,’ Ethan replied, staring out of the window. He’d always heard dawns described as rosy or golden, but in his experience they were mostly grey.

‘We’ll help him,’ Luther said firmly, continuing to work on his tablet.

‘Don’t you think I’ve done enough damage?’ Ethan said.

‘Lane was not…’

‘Lane was exactly my fault. I set him free. I set him loose, knowing he had it in for Benji. I thought I was so clever, playing the game, playing all kinds of tricks and yet he still almost defeated us.’

‘You won. Both times.’

‘But who paid the price? It wasn’t me, was it? It was Benji.’

Ethan turned to face Luther.

‘I’m in love with Benji,’ he admitted.

‘Yes, I can tell,’ Luther told him. ‘I’ve known that for a very long time.’

‘You can tell and Lane could tell and god knows who else can tell,’ Ethan said fiercely. ‘He is the most precious part of my life, and I have to give him up for his good because they’ll use him to get to me, they’ll try to destroy him over and over again, and one day they’ll succeed. I sent Julia away, I can send him away.’

‘Yeah, well, two problems with that. Benji won’t go. You’ve already tried it, remember?’

‘And the second?’

‘You need him to do the work,’ Luther said gently. ‘I love you, brother, but Benji has more than that. He understands you, none better. Always has done, right from the beginning. I could see it. You need that. You need him with you. You want to defeat Lane, and whoever comes after him? You need Benji with you.’

Ethan studied him, and then sighing, collapsed into a chair.

‘I know.’

‘You and I both know something is coming, something big. We’ve read the signs. We will need Benji for that.’

‘I know.’

‘And if I can’t be with you, I will sleep better knowing Benji is looking after you.’

‘Why won’t you be with me?’ Ethan said sharply, looking up. ‘Where are you going?’

‘Nowhere, for now. Just keep Benji around, ok?’

Ethan nodded.

‘I will. But – I can’t let anyone see how much – Lane saw it. Human nature. I have to repress that. I have to be not quite so human around Benji. It’s the only way to keep him safe.’

Luther studied Ethan, pale and beautiful in the dawn light, and thought of his other closest friend, alone and suffering, someplace else.

‘That’s not the way love works, brother,’ he said, gently. ‘But I can’t teach either of you that. You have to learn it for yourselves. One day you’ll find your way back to each other. But until then, I’ll do my best to look after you both.’

Ethan studied him, his oldest friend, his rock when his world shattered, over and over again. He’d be lost without him.

‘Thank you,’ he whispered.

Chapter Text

Benji woke up as Ethan adjusted the table over his bed. Benji had been doing a lot of waking up to find Ethan hovering over him lately. First after the operation – well, really after Benji was certain he was closing his eyes to die and blessing his good luck that meant he was dying in the arms of someone who loved him (even if it couldn’t be Ethan) and not at the end of a rope. He’d opened his eyes to find Ethan, filthy and tear-stained, repeating his name and begging him to wake up.

Ever since then, every time Benji opened his eyes, Ethan was there. Holding his hand, smiling at him, saying his name over and over. Benji had woken to find Ethan asleep, his head resting on his bed, clutching his hand. Or woken to find Ethan cross-examining some poor doctor on Benji's medication regime. Or just watching him, his hand on Benji's arm, carefully away from the canulas and the bruises. He knew perfectly well that Kittridge and a few others had been trying to get Ethan out of there and answer some questions. It was quite amusing to see how the ducklings ran interference for Ethan. At some point someone must have taken him away to get him cleaned up and treated, but he always hurried back. Benji was relieved. Right then he couldn’t bear to let Ethan out of his sight, and it was a relief to find Ethan was the same.

Now Ethan was setting up a laptop on his bed table.

‘What’s happening?’ Benji enquired.

‘Movie night,’ Ethan said. ‘We haven’t had one for ages.’

‘What are we watching?’ Benji said, as Ethan adjusted his pillows so Benji could sit up.

‘While You Were Sleeping,’ Ethan said. ‘It seemed appropriate.’

‘A rom-com?’

‘The very best rom-com, Degas tells me.’

Ethan sat down on the chair beside Benji’s bed, until he noticed Benji staring at him.

‘What?’

‘You won’t be able to see it properly from down there. Come and sit on the bed.’

‘I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘You won’t. Look, I’ll just scoot over and you squeeze in here – we’ve done it in safe house beds a hundred times.’

‘You weren’t hurt then,’ Ethan objected, but he found his way into the bed anyway, his arm around Benji, his legs tangled up with his. Then he leaned forward and pressed play.

Degas was right, it was a great film. The story was funny, and kind, and not maudlin. There was real chemistry between the leads. When the hero said ‘you don't know whether to hug her or really arm-wrestle her,’ Benji glanced towards Ethan to see Ethan looking at him with the same look, and they both burst into laughter. By the end – the lovely, romantic, beautiful ending, they both felt relaxed, and happy, and affectionate. Affectionate enough for Benji to wind his fingers around Ethan’s.

‘I’ve missed our movie nights.’

Ethan raised Benji’s hand to his lips and kissed it. He had been so openly affectionate lately, holding Benji and comforting Benji and gazing him like – like the hero in a romantic movie. It was making Benji quite dizzy. Ethan was still somehow still Ethan, but also very different. More – human.

‘Me too. You showed me some great movies.’

‘Of course, I have impeccable taste.’

He sighed happily, lying back in Ethan’s arms. Ethan snuggled a little closer, holding him safely in the bed.

‘A love story, huh.’

‘I thought it was time,’ Ethan replied. ‘We’ve been sending messages with these movies for years. I was hoping that mine would be perfectly clear?’

He looked up at Benji with hopeful eyes. Benji watched him, steadily. Oh here it was. The moment. Benji had often imagined this over the years, casting himself and Ethan in the role of every pair of lovers he saw in the movies. But he had never really believed it could happen. He didn’t have a script for reality. But the words seem to come anyway.

‘I know,’ he said, very quietly.  ‘I knew in the tunnels. I knew before that, I think. But still, I think I’d like you to say it.’

‘I love you,’ Ethan said, brushing Benji’s hair back, and kissing his forehead. ‘Now you.’

‘As you wish,’ Benji said, with a happy sigh. He tipped his head back and kissed Ethan’s lips. It was only supposed to be a gentle kiss, a kiss of confirmation, but before Benji could stop himself, he had grabbed hold of Ethan’s shirt and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss, and Ethan answered in kind, grasping Benji around the waist and gathering Benji to him, hungrily kissing him with growing passion. It was only when Benji’s heart monitor began to beep that they both pulled away from each other.

‘I love you,’ Benji panted. ‘Bloody hell, you know how to kiss.’

‘I know how to do all kinds of things,’ Ethan whispered in Benji’s ear, with a wicked grin. ‘I’m a very skilled agent.’

‘Ethan!’ Benji said quickly. He looked up at him, eyes glowing. ‘Oh, this is going to be fun, isn’t it? You and me?’

‘We deserve a little fun. I think we deserve to be very very human now,’ Ethan replied.

‘Do we even know how to do that?’

‘We’ll learn,’ Ethan said. ‘We’ll watch a lot of movies. They can teach us.’

‘Every night movie night,’ Benji said, snuggling into Ethan’s arms.

(it’s amazing what we can learn from movies. For Benji and Ethan, they taught them how to be in love.)