Archive of Our Own ^beta

Every once in a while when Harua looks at him just so, Maki wishes he was born a girl.

Harua is getting ready for a date, he’s standing tall in front of the mirror in the hallway, running his hands through his hair in an attempt to make it look just right. His T-shirt rides up slightly but the sliver of stomach is enough to make Maki look away, it’s unbearable. Maki’s ears pick up the slushing of a liquid and he looks up just in time to see Harua spray three pumps of Yudai’s favourite perfume on – two on each side of his neck, just below the ear, and one in his hair. It’s Yudai’s perfume but Harua uses it often enough for Maki to have developed a pavlovian response to its scent. 

Harua picks up his car keys, swings a charming leather bag over his shoulder and makes his way to the door. 

“Wish me luck.” and he says it so earnestly Maki has no choice but to smile and wave at him goodbye. It’s Harua’s first date in a while, that or maybe Maki hasn’t been made aware in a while. Harua doesn't talk about romance or sex, not with Maki at least. Maybe he does with with the older members, or maybe it’s something he keeps entirely to himself. Selfishly, Maki wishes it to be the latter. Because that opens the very real possibility that Harua thinks him childish and immature. Which he is and he knows it but it hurts all the same. Maki knows his shortcomings, age related or otherwise. He could bulk up all he wants, grow taller, change his hair, his clothes, but in the eyes of his beholder, he’s stuck at age 15 – stumpy, baby-faced, toeing the line between cute and annoying and falling over the annoying side more often than not.

Harua has to look up now to talk to him and has to tip-toe when they hug but it makes no difference. Maki is only somewhat upset about it. 

And anyways even if Harua did talk to him about it, it would change very little. At most Maki’s curiosity would kill him. He’ll ask all the wrong questions and Harua – unashamed of everything he considers natural and elemental – would answer him truthfully. He’ll tell Maki about the first time he held hands with a girl, his first kiss, he’ll probably describe it prettily – what kind of clothes and make-up they were wearing, the scent of their perfume, whether they smiled into the kiss or stiffened up. He’d leave out the details, a gentleman and all that, but it would burn Maki all the same. So really, it’s better that he considers Maki too much of a baby. Because if he didn’t it would also open the very real opportunity for questions, this time directed at Maki, and Maki doesn’t want to lie to his best friend. 

It’s not a big deal for the most part. Nicholas dates guys and everyone knows about it and no one makes any comments, but that’s Nicholas. With him it makes sense. He’s older and more confident than Maki will ever be. He’s also not gay, or not fully, which somehow feels relevant. 

Harua is the nicest person Maki knows. His team is full of people he trusts. Still, he cannot imagine it. Telling them, telling him. It’s not even shame that’s at the root of it. Or maybe not in the direction most people feel it. Liking guys is.. whatever, it’s fine. Maki has made peace with that. Maybe if he was a bit shorter and less stocky, features less pronounced, softer, rounder, it would even make sense. Instead he’s stuck in this body and has to learn to be okay with that. Which he has learned, for the most part. It hardly bothers him anymore, really. 

His reflection in the mirror is a constant. How can he not be okay with it? 

Harua returns from his date in the morning, and Maki doesn’t make any assumptions about it. He didn’t stay up late waiting because that would be only slightly adorable and puppyish of him. Mostly it would be pathetic and kind of creepy.

Instead he barged into Nichola’s room, who was only half-dressed and jumped in his bed, pulling out his phone so he wouldn’t stare at his naked chest.

“Get dressed, I’m bored." 

“Knock first next time.” Nicholas sighs out as he pulls on a tank top.

“What? It’s not like you were jerking off or anything, get dressed and let’s go somewhere. I’m bored as fuck.” Maki feels so mad and kind of stupid and it’s all rising to the surface with alarming speed. Maybe he wants someone to snap at him, that's why he’s acting a fool.

Nicholas just raises an eyebrow. Maki immediately feels embarrassed. Nicholas is older and though that used to matter very little to him, it matters to Maki. They’re friends, good friends, but Maki still doesn’t talk to him like that even when they joke around. Brash and like he’s ordering him around. Casual speech is fine when they speak in English, maybe that’s why he started this whole exchange in Japanese. 

Nicholas, of course, sees right through him. He doesn’t even have to tell Maki off like he’s some kid who just learned how to curse. A raised eyebrow and Maki feels his bravado die down within seconds.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine, I don’t care about stuff like that, you know it.”

“I know.” Maki knows. Nicholas is just really good at accommodating other people, which is why things that aren’t a big deal to him he still abides by if he knows they matter to others. Talk about a nice guy.

“So where are we going anyway?” 

“Just some ramen store near Nishishinsaibashi.”

“Bokkoshi?”

“Yeah.”

“Weren’t you going to take Harua there?”

“He has plans.”

“Got it, so I’m the rebound.”

“What? No. He just has plans today?”

“Chill. I’m joking.” Maki knows he’s joking and there’s no point in getting all prickly and self-defensive. But he just watched the guy he’s in love with doll himself up for a date so maybe it’s a little justified, no? 

“Can we just go?” Nicholas holds eye contact for a bit too long to be considered natural but ultimately says nothing. 

In just under 25 minutes they’re both slurping the best ramen Maki’s ever had and suddenly the world around them feels a little lighter. It’s not late but Maki is tired so once he finishes his bowl he lets his head fall on Nicholas’s shoulder. It’s comfortable at first, though he’s shifting around because Nicholas can never stay still, but then a scent catches in Maki’s nostrils and his mood sours. 

“Did you put on one of Harua’s perfumes?”

Nicholas turns to him with a confused expression: ”Nope, K-hyung.”

Right. The perfume belongs to Yudai, not Harua. Maki just hums.

It’s a comfortable silence. Maki likes spending time alone with Nicholas for a number of reasons. It feels private and like they share a kind of friendship they can’t have with anyone else but each other. Nicholas has known Yudai, Euijoo and Taki for at least 2 more years than he’s known Maki, and yet, selfishly, Maki likes to believe he knows Nicholas better. Or, maybe not better, but that, at the very least, he knows a side of him the others don’t. 

Maybe precisely because the silence is comfortable and the fact that Maki has tricked himself into believing he knows Nicholas so well, he accidentally lets it slip out.

“Do you think Harua is gay?”

Nicholas, always ready to play off of his silly remarks, turns to Maki with a confused, almost incredulous look on his face. Then just to prove how much older and wiser he is compared to Maki, he looks around the restaurant to make sure no one heard them. Thankfully, the restaurant is bursting at the seams with customers who are chattering away loudly, drunkenly. It’s unlikely his question was heard over the hubbub. And, at least, he had the decency to ask it in English.

Nicholas turns to him and lowers his voice just in case.

“Why would you ask me that?” 

“I don’t know.” Nicholas keeps looking at him persistently and Maki feels like a child who did something bad in front of their parents. “It’s nothing, forget about it.”

Nicholas runs a hand down his face and lets out a deep sigh.

“It’s not nothing. Tell me.”

“I don’t know, dude. Just felt like asking.” The dude feels kind of gross as it rolls off his tongue. What’s with him today seriously?

“You just suddenly felt like asking if I think our bandmate is gay?”

“It doesn’t matter, I just saw him getting ready for a date and-”

“With a guy?”

“No, some girl from his middle school.”

Nicholas looks even more confused, then his face sharpens ever so slightly.

“What are you trying to say here, Maki, cause I’m really not following.” Maki finally has the nerve to look him in the eye. Nicholas looks kind of mad, which Maki can’t make sense of.

“Look, I know you probably didn’t mean it like that but, just because Harua is kind of,” Nicholas pauses for a second, trying to pick the right word for this ridiculous situation. “girlish? It doesn’t mean that–”

“I wasn’t trying to say that.”

“Weren’t you?”

Wasn’t he? Not really. At least not consciously. Maki pauses and tries to think about it. The chatter surrounding them like a weighted blanket is making it almost impossible to concentrate. Why did he ask Nicholas this? Was he hoping that Nicholas would be able to see through some kind of facade that Harua was putting on and tell him all about it? Did he want someone to finally confide in about his crush on Harua? 

When the silence stretches too thin and Nicholas opens his mouth to say something further, Maki realizes that he’s never told anyone in his life that he’s gay. 

“I’m gay.” 

The thing about this kind of realization is that it comes suddenly and violently. It crashes down on Maki, squeezing the words out of his throat before he has the time to think them through. The second they’re out, regret bubbles up and he smacks a hand over his mouth, but it’s too late. No take backs.

Maybe Nicholas didn’t hear it. Maybe the chatter around them swallowed it up before it could reach him. 

“Oh.” Maki doesn’t want to see the kind of expression forming on Nicholas’s face so he just stares down at the table pointedly.

“Oh.” The second oh cuts deeper and reminds Maki of just how transparent and easy-to-read he is. Unlike Harua, who could be going through hell but you wouldn’t know it because he’s perfectly adapted to the idol life. Unlike Yudai, who’s always busy but whose smile never drops, or Nicholas who feels no shame admitting he’s tired or angry or hungry. Maki wants a mind equal to his body, wants to be composed and quick-witted and leave others feeling a sense of reliability radiating off him. 

Instead he’s coming out to Nicholas in a ramen store. And he cannot even look him in the eye while doing it. 

“Don’t say anything.”

“Okay.” 

Maki kind of wants a hug but if Nicholas so much as touches his shoulder, he’ll probably do something humiliating like start bawling his eyes out in the ramen store he planned to take his crush to. The crush who’s now out on a date with some nameless faceless girl. 

I’m such a fucking loser.

“No, you’re not.” Despite himself, Maki smiles at Nicholas’s words. 

“Stop being nice to me.”

“Stop being an ass to my friend.” Maki finally looks up. Nicholas sends him a wink and Maki rolls his eyes. A rehearsed exchange. Familiar.

They spent the next few minutes in silence. It’s nice. The tightness in Maki’s chest loosens and he almost feels human again.

“Can we go home? I’m tired.”

“Yeah, come on.” On the subway ride home, Maki holds back a different kind of tears. Nicholas is close, shoulder and thigh glued to Makis’ and he’s not asking any questions. Not there, not when they get home, not when Maki crawls into his bed and buries his face in his nape. 

A constant presence, strong and kind and unobtrusive. Nicholas’s friendship is a balm you apply to a wound you never thought would heal, and before you know it it’s like it was never there to begin with.

Three days go by before Harua talks about it.

Scratch that. Three days go by before Maki cracks and tries to bring it up in the most casual way possible. He doesn’t want to sound like a jealous baby but the second the question is out of his mouth, it feels like that’s exactly what Harua hears and sees him as. He gives him a short laugh then starts recapping the whole thing.

Her name, her face, what they talked about – it escapes Maki’s mind as soon as it enters it. 

“So you spent the night at her place?” Again he tries to go for casual, almost disinterested, not wanting to set off any alarms in Harua’s mind.

“Yeah, I guess I did.” Harua doesn’t blush at the admission, just smiles softly and contentedly. “I mean, I wasn’t planning on it, of course. It was our first date after all but I guess one thing led to another and, yeah.”

“Sooo, you had sex with her?”

“Yeah, you could say that.”

“What does that mean?”

Harua looks at him amused, like the answer is obvious and Maki is being purposefully obtuse: “I’m not going into details about that.”

“Why? You don’t want to talk to me about it?” 

“Not you, I just don’t like sharing details like that with anyone.” Ah.

“Anyways, why all the questions?” 

“I don’t know. Guys talk about it all the time, I was curious I guess. And you never really tell me about these things, so.”

Again the same small, slightly amused smile. It makes Maki feel like he’s missing out, like he’s too thick to see something that’s plain as day.

“That’s not true. I tell you about all my crushes and dates, sex is just different. Private, you know? I know a lot of people talk about it but it’s just not something I enjoy doing.”

“Right.” It makes sense. 

“Anyways, I don’t go on that many dates so there’s not that much I can share with you. Actually, you’re the one who never tells me about these things.” Right. 

“I-” The words die down on the tip of his tongue. What is he supposed to say anyways? The truth? 

“See?” Harua chuckles good naturedly. “I’m not mad, don’t get me wrong. You don’t have to tell me everything. Do you talk about it with Nicholas-kun? He’s pretty casual about sex.” 

“No, I…” Maki’s heartbeat picks up and he’s once again left feeling boyish and immature and behind. Harua is only a year older than him so why does it feel like he’s someone younger brother trying to make small talk with the cool older kids? How is he so casual about love and sex, and Maki cannot even begin to voice it – what he wants, what he’s always wanted. Harua can probably see the cogs turning inside him, so he lets the silence stretch endlessly. Maki is surrounded by such good people.

“I’ve never… with anyone, so. There’s nothing for me to tell you about.” Baby steps.

“I see.” Harua doesn’t look surprised or shocked, his face remains the same, so does his voice – sweet and soothing. “Well, when you find someone you like, feel free to tell me all about her, okay?”

It’s a dull sting. Like a fading bruise. It’s a fair assumption, which Maki doesn’t want to argue with. What difference would it make, anyways.

“I will.” Harua smiles, runs his hand through Maki’s hair until it’s sticking in all directions and then gets up to go back to his room.

“Good night, Maki.”

“Night.” 

“Do you want to kiss me or are you just feeling lonely?” Nicholas’s voice is teasing but far from mean. He's letting Maki steer the wheel, going along with his whims. It makes Maki feel strangely calm.

“Can't it be both?” And really, can't it? He likes Nicholas. Nicholas is cool but earthly, the ideal older brother and idol. 

“I suppose so.” Nicholas shrugs and Maki wishes he had even a molecule of his self possession and free spirit. Maybe if he did Harua would like him back and he wouldn't be here now. Here being in Nicholas’s room in the middle of the night asking him for a kiss. 

“Follow up question — do you want to kiss me or am I the only other gay guy you know?” 

“You're not gay.”

“Sure. And you're not in love with Harua.” Maki winces and Nicholas looks apologetic almost immediately. Maki cannot bring himself to feel hurt over it because it's the truth, and because Nicholas is just like this. Sharp and unfiltered, says it how it is. It hurts sometimes but he's always honest, never throws a knife at you just to see you double down in pain. The opposite, really. Maki likes that about him.

“It's different.”

“Why? And please don't say it's because I like chicks, too.” But that's precisely it, isn't it? Nicholas likes guys and Maki due to his younger brother privileges has heard all about his fail-hook-ups, 3 month long situationships and even one actual relationship that lasted almost 6 months. But come tomorrow Nicholas could get a pretty girl to fall for him, take her home to introduce to his parents, and even get married. 

Nicholas sighs, he can read it all on Maki’s face. A disadvantage of being the favourite baby brother.

“Come here, you big baby.” Nicholas draws him closer until there's barely any space between the two of them. 

“I'm not a baby.”

“Oh, you are. A baby, my baby.” Maki could blush. Nicholas is so handsome and charming, funny and adventurous, the perfect guy, really. Older, more experienced, indulgent of Maki’s every caprice. And he's calling Maki baby half joking, half serious. At 19 he should want to be seen as a grown-up, but all Maki wants to be is someone's baby. Harua’s ideally. He could fold into himself, become small and cute and lovable, he could be anything Harua wants and more. The only thing he cannot change is being born a boy, which. Well.

“What? You came asking for a kiss but don't want the sweetness that comes with it?” Only when Nicholas runs the tips of his fingers over Maki’s cheek does he feel it burning. His face must be bright red. Somehow it's not as embarrassing as he thought it would be. Yet his heart squeezes almost painfully.

“Does it always feel like this?”

“What? Being touched or being in love?”

“Both?”

“Haven't you read any books or seen literally any movie ever?” Maki wants to wipe the smug grin on Nicholas’s face. He can be so infuriating. “Of course, it hurts. A first love that's gentle and forgiving? Maybe it exists but not for people like us.” 

“Gee, thanks for the reassurance.”

“Take it how you will, baby.” 

Before Maki has the time to complain he feels a pair of chapped lips press to his briefly. It only lasts a second, then Nicholas pulls back and smiles a smile Maki has never seen before. His eyebrows are laced with something foreign. He almost looks regretful, like he's taking something from Maki.

“I couldn't sleep for days when I first fell for this one guy. I don't even remember his name anymore but back then I felt like throwing up every time he so much as brushed past me.”

“Was he-”

“Straight? Of course. But he was so nice, like Harua. If I had told him he would've taken it well probably. I wouldn't know though, never had the guts to do it.”

“That doesn't sound like you, though.”

Nicholas shrugs: “I wasn't always like this. See? First love sucks and that's okay. You feel like dying and then you get over it. Then you do it again and again, and at some point you find someone who makes it feel easy and sweet. And at one point you forget.”

It makes sense when Nicholas says it. Perfect sense, in fact, but Maki is 19 and in love with his best friend so the need to argue and kick back like a baby manifests suddenly and mercilessly.

“I don't want to forget him.” Nicholas kisses him again. Short, barely there. Maki’s second ever kiss.

“Of course, you don't. You look at him and see a future. Tell me, what do you want to do with Harua?”

“No, it's too…”

“Embarrassing?”

“No. Just…” Maki looks at Nicholas and sees a flicker of something in his eyes. Only the bedside table lamp is on but it's enough for Maki’s eyes to be able to trace his whole face. Selfishly he's the one who leans in this time and steals a kiss. Nicholas must find it amusing, maybe even a little cute. His inexperience, his clumsy words, clumsier lips. Maki tries to do what he's seen people do in movies and Nicholas just lets him mold their lips. Maki wonders if it's doing anything for Nicholas at all or if he's just embarrassing himself even further.

“Not bad.” Nicholas smiles once they part.

“Don't make fun of me.”

“I'm not.” He runs a hand through Maki’s unruly hair, then lets it move down until it's at his waist, lets it rest there casually. 

“So? That what you want to do with Harua? Come on, tell me. I won't be mean, promise.” The hand at his waist squeezes slightly and Maki’s legs kind of buckle under his weight, which is strange and new and only slightly humiliating. Nicholas, of course, doesn't let it slide. He squeezes again and holds even tighter when Maki tries to bat his hand away. 

“You suck, dude.” Maki hits his chest and gives up.

“Cute. You want Harua to take the rains, huh?”

“Shut up.”

“No, no, it's cute. I mean, he can be a control freak sometimes so I can see it.” Maki wants to strangle him. This cannot be happening. 

“I mean, most straight guys, if they experiment, want to stay in control, so it's not out of the question.” Okay, now he's just being an ass. Maki tries to wrestle out of his arms but Nicholas doesn't let him.

“My bad, baby. I won't joke about it anymore, I know you're serious about it.”

Maki’s not mad. He can't be, not really, especially not with Nicholas. It's just an uncomfortable feeling, something he doesn't like to think about. Does Maki want Harua like this because it's something he wants or because he can only imagine Harua with a girl so he defaults to just that in those dream scenarios? Being Harua’s girl. Isn't that an insane thing to want. What would Nicholas’s face look like if Maki says this out loud.

“Can't you just kiss me? I don't know how to-”

“Sure, baby.” 

Maki gasps. It felt nice the first, second and third time, but now Nicholas is kissing him with purpose and it's different. Nicholas tilts his head, kisses the corner of his lips and then Maki is floating. Hands in his hair and at the small of his back, careful, soft. He feels surrounded from all sides, unable to fall apart or form any unnecessary thoughts. His knees buckle but Nicholas is holding him impossibly tight. Every place he touches burns pleasantly. 

“We should go to sleep.” Nicholas says softly once they part. 

“Umm.” Maki is half-hard. Which is equal parts hilarious and mortifying. If it was happening to anyone but him, he’d probably laugh.

“It's okay, it happens. Come on, you can sleep in my bed.” 

“Are we-”

“No. Not tonight. Or ever, really.” Maki must have made a weird expression because Nicholas smiles and pats his cheek. “Maybe once you get over Harua.”

Maki nods dumbly. 

Nicholas holds him as they drift to sleep.