Chapter Text
FADE IN:
INT. WHEELER'S HOUSE - BASEMENT BATHROOM - MORNING
Jonathan, standing on top of the closed toilet, STRUGGLES to hang a large, heavy blanket over the small window in the Wheeler's basement bathroom, as Will PICKS OUT individual red plastic bulbs out from a pile of pieces and PLUGS them into an almost-full Lite Brite. They're making a DIY darkroom.
WILL
And you're sure this is gonna work?
JONATHAN
Sure. All we need is darkness, and the red light is just so I can, you know, see.
He finally finishes hanging up the blanket and HOPS DOWN to admire his work.
JONATHAN (CONT'D)
Light work.
WILL
That took you fifteen minutes to figure out.
JONATHAN
I have no idea what you're talking about.
From above them, they hear YELLING. Will makes a face.
WILL
What do you think they're arguing about?
JONATHAN
Want to find out?
They head up the stairs.
CUT TO: INTRO
CUT TO:
INT. WHEELER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING
Will and Jonathan walk into the kitchen to find QUITE the scene. Joyce sits at the kitchen table, her head in her hands while Mike stands opposite his mom, his ARMS CROSSED as he says:
MIKE
I'm not going. You CANNOT make me go.
KAREN
You should support your father.
MIKE
Why doesn't Nancy have to go?!
KAREN
She's an adult, Mike!
MIKE
So?! It's not like she has a job!
Will and Jonathan try to back out of the room, but it's too late--Mike SPOTS them.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Can you believe this? She wants me to go to "Take your child to work" day.
Will stifles a LAUGH. Jonathan is better at keeping a straight face, thankfully.
MIKE (CONT'D)
This is inhumane.
KAREN
Too bad. You're going, and so is Holly.
Right as she says this, Ted WALKS IN.
TED
Who's going where?
KAREN
Mike and Holly are coming with you to work today.
Ted looks RESIGNED. Mike OPENS HIS MOUTH as though he's got a retort aimed and ready, but he FALTERS. Rather than continue to fight, he SKULKS OFF with his tail between his legs. Karen takes a DEEP BREATH.
Will and Jonathan RETREAT from the room.
INT. WHEELER'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jonathan walks straight to the window and STARES outside.
JONATHAN
We really need to figure out what the hell they're doing at the library.
WILL
There's no way we can get in there.
JONATHAN
No, but scoping it out can't hurt.
WILL
But... We don't have a car.
JONATHAN
We'll take Mom's. She always loses her keys, she'll think she just... Misplaced them. By the time she figures it out--
WILL
--We'll already be back.
JONATHAN
Exactly.
Will CONTEMPLATES, then holds out his hand for a HIGH FIVE.
WILL
I'm in.
Jonathan SMACKS his hand.
INT. TED'S OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - AFTERNOON
Holly and Mike sit at a sad little table in a sad little break room at Ted's office. They half-heartedly eat microwaved Kraft mac-n-cheese as they sulk.
HOLLY
I can't believe he wouldn't even let us sit at his desk. How long till we get out of here?
Mike CHECKS HIS WATCH.
MIKE
Four hours and forty seven minutes.
(beat)
And thirty two seconds.
Holly BANGS her head on the table. Stays there for a moment.
HOLLY
(muffled)
How about now?
MIKE
Four hours, forty seven minutes, and twenty six seconds.
Holly sits back up.
HOLLY
I think I'm dying.
Mike doesn't respond. He's busy trying to slip a noodle ontoeach tong of his fork.
HOLLY (CONT'D)
Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike.
MIKE
(distracted)
Huh?
HOLLY
Entertain meeeeeee.
He holds up the Noodle Fork.
MIKE
Hey, check it out.
HOLLY
That's not entertaining.
MIKE
Okay. Spell... Chrysanthemum.
HOLLY
Spelling bee? Really?
MIKE
You got a better idea?
EXT. HAWKINS TOWN CENTER - AFTERNOON
Jonathan and Will walk down the street towards the military zone, trying their best to look discreet as they peer at the
faces of the soldiers they walk past. As they get close, a soldier (young, and clearly a new recruit) stops them.
BABY BOOTLICKER
Woah, you can't come any closer. No trespassing.
JONATHAN
We're not trespassing, we're... Wandering.
BABY BOOTLICKER
Well, WANDER elsewhere.
A ways away, an older, higher ranking officer NOTICES them. He approaches as Jonathan gets frustrated.
JONATHAN
It's not like we're IN the zone. We're plenty far from the fences.
BABY BOOTLICKER
Too bad, you still need to back up.
He SHOVES Jonathan's shoulder. This pisses off Will, who STEPS FORWARD.
WILL
Don't touch him.
BABY BOOTLICKER
Or what?
RELAXED OFFICER
Woah, woah, gentlemen. Let's take a step back here.
He holds out his hands.
RELAXED OFFICER (CONT'D)
Soldier, you're dismissed.
BABY BOOTLICKER
But--
RELAXED OFFICER
I said, you're dismissed.
Baby Bootlicker STORMS OFF. Relaxed Officer turns to Will and extends his hand for a HANDSHAKE. Will reluctantly SHAKES it.
SERGEANT BURNETT/RELAXED OFFICER
Son, my name is Sergeant James Burnett. Have you ever thought about joining the United States Army?
Will and Jonathan EXCHANGE LOOKS. No way.
WILL
Um--
SERGEANT BURNETT
You're from Hawkins, no?
WILL
Yes...
SERGEANT BURNETT
Yes SIR.
WILL
(resigned)
Yes sir.
INT. TED'S OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - AFTERNOON
Still sitting at the same sad little table, Holly tries (and fails) to teach Mike a hand game. They CLAP THEIR HANDS in a repetitive pattern as Holly SINGS:
HOLLY
King, Kong, leprechaun, went to--
MIKE
--school with no clothes on?
Holly DROPS her hands. SIGHS.
HOLLY
It's "went to school with nothing on."
MIKE
Okay, okay, I'll get it next time.
He RAISES HIS HANDS to try again, but before she can reciprocate, Holly spots someone walking past the window in the door. It's Ted, talking to some random coworker. She PUSHES DOWN Mike's hands and STANDS.
HOLLY
Y'know... Dad's not at his desk.
MIKE
So?
HOLLY
So WE can be at his desk. In the mood to make some phone calls?
MIKE
Who would we call?
Holly SHRUGS.
HOLLY
Does it matter? It beats sitting in here.
She KICKS Mike's chair.
HOLLY (CONT'D)
Come onnnnnnn.
MIKE
Fine, fine.
He STANDS, and goes for the door--but before he can turn the handle, Holly GRABS HIS SLEEVE and yanks him backwards.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Wh--
HOLLY
We can't be seen, dingus. We have to be like super spies.
MIKE
Super spies. Got it.
He CROUCHES DOWN. Holly COPIES him.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Better?
HOLLY
(satisfied)
Much.
INT. TED'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Still CROUCHING, the two kids start to make their way towards Ted's desk, DUCKING behind walls and desks to hide from anyone that might spot them. After a while of this, they finally reach Ted's desk.
INT. TED'S OFFICE - CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
It's only identifiable as Ted's because his name is on a nondescript plaque on the wall--there are no family photos, no sentimental items. The only thing decorating his cubicle is a Christopher Cross calendar that's two months behind.
HOLLY
Who knew Dad was such a loser?
She and Mike make EYE CONTACT and immediately burst into laughter--because OBVIOUSLY Ted Wheeler is a loser. Holly JUMPS up into his chair and does a full 360, then REACHES for the phone--but before she can pick it up, it starts to RING.
She LOOKS at Mike for instructions. He SHRUGS.
HOLLY (CONT'D)
(picking up the phone)
Hello?
(beat)
Yes, this IS the Hawkins branch of InsureAway. Why do you ask?
Mike GESTURES for her to put down the phone, but she SPINS THE CHAIR away from him.
HOLLY (CONT'D)
Excuse me, can you hold for just a moment?
She COVERS the mouthpiece of the phone with her hand.
HOLLY (CONT'D)
What?
MIKE
You're gonna get him fired!
HOLLY
You don't know that.
MIKE
Yes, I do.
He REACHES for the phone, but Holly PUSHES him away by planting her palm on his forehead and SHOVING. It's embarrassingly (well, embarrassing for Mike) successful.
EXT. HAWKINS TOWN CENTER - AFTERNOON
Will and Jonathan are still trapped in conversation with Sergeant Burnett, who is entirely captivated by Will's potential. Burnett TURNS to Jonathan, realizing that he hasn't spoken a word to him the entire time.
SERGEANT BURNETT
What about you, son? What do you want to do? You know we'll pay for your college.
JONATHAN
(reluctantly)
Photography. Uh, sir.
SERGEANT BURNETT
Huh. Well, I suppose we always need someone to... You know.
He doesn't elaborate.
SERGEANT BURNETT (CONT'D)
And you, Will? What do you want to go to college for?
WILL
...Painting.
SERGEANT BURNETT
Painting, really? Well, you've seen the trench art.
WILL
Is that supposed to be INSPIRATIONAL?
SERGEANT BURNETT
Is it not?
WILL
What do you think.
SERGEANT BURNETT
(moving on)
Do you know what the Army can do
for you?
JONATHAN
Traumatize everyone involved?
WILL
Kill innocent civilians?
JONATHAN
Cover up deaths at the hands of the government?
WILL
Be the lapdog of corruption?
SERGEANT BURNETT
Yes, AND...
Will SIGHS.
WILL
AND you'll pay for our college.
SERGEANT BURNETT
Precisely.
WILL
I really don't think you want me to join the military.
SERGEANT BURNETT
Come on. A strong, heterosexual boy like you?
He SQUEEZES Will's bicep. Will YANKS his arm away.
SERGEANT BURNETT (CONT'D)
Okay, maybe we'll have to work on the strength part a little, but--
He SHRUGS.
SERGEANT BURNETT (CONT'D)
Nothing a few sets of pull-ups and some good ol' fashioned military discipline can't fix.
INT. WHEELER'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
Nancy sits on the couch, reading her worn copy of A Time To Kill. From the other room, Joyce WALKS IN and TAKES A SEAT next to Nancy. Maybe a little too close, actually.
JOYCE
Nancy, do you have a second?
Nancy PUTS DOWN her book, confused.
NANCY
Sure?
JOYCE
Now, I know you and Jonathan have been dating for a while.
Uh, where is this going?
NANCY
Right...
JOYCE
And now you're living together... WE'RE living together... Even as busy as we all are, I'm sure you spend plenty of time alone together. So... "Things" are bound to happen.
Nancy realizes EXACTLY where this is going.
Oh dear lord.
JOYCE (CONT'D)
I don't know how your parents handle things, but... Surely you've had SOME sort of. You know. Talk.
NANCY
I've actually had more than enough of The Talk--
She goes to LEAVE, but Joyce stops her.
JOYCE
I just want to make sure you're both being safe.
NANCY
Right, yeah. Safe. Uhm.
JOYCE
Oh, and--don't think I'm only talking to you about this. Jonathan
knows he has PLENTY of resources--
NANCY
Resources.
JOYCE
Oh. Well. Condoms. Dental--
NANCY
No, you know, I actually understood the first time.
Joyce finally realizes how uncomfortable Nancy is.
JOYCE
Oh, honey, I don't mean to push anything. I just know that, well, stuff happens.
Nancy looks like she would rather die than continue this conversation. The barely-there sex talk was bad enough with her own mom, but with her BOYFRIEND'S MOM? Absolutely not.
NANCY
Mrs. Byers, really, thank you, but--
JOYCE
You know you can always call me Joyce.
NANCY
Joyce. Right. Joyce--
Joyce holds up her hands.
JOYCE
I get it, I'll go! But if you need ANYTHING, just give me a nod. I'll buy you whatever you need.
NANCY
That's really too generous.
Generous, or weird?
JOYCE
(rethinking)
Or, well, I suppose I'll ask Murray to smuggle something in.
NANCY
PLEASE don't involve Murray in this.
Goddamn Murray has had enough involvement in her sex life as it is. Nancy does not need this.
JOYCE
Whatever you want.
Joyce PATS her hand.
JOYCE (CONT'D)
Well, I'll be off... Doing, something.
Something else. ANYTHING else. Please.
She stands up and WALKS OFF. Nancy SIGHS in relief.
INT. TED'S OFFICE - CUBICLE - AFTERNOON
Holly TWISTS the phone cord around her finger, SPINNING back and forth in her chair. Mike KNEELS on the floor next to her, enraptured by the conversation. Who know insurance could be so interesting.
Well, okay. Insurance still sucks. But Holly sure makes it interesting, because she's on a goddamn roll.
HOLLY
--and you said you wanted the gold tier, correct? Now, that covers--
She EXAMINES a copy of "Guide 2 InsureAway" closely.
HOLLY (CONT'D)
--your home, your car, AND your boat. You have a boat, right? Oh, you don't? Well, may I recommend purchasing one through our partner
company, BoatPals?
Mike watches in awe. She's scarily good at this. It's like watching the Mona Lisa be painted.
HOLLY (CONT'D)
Now, there's a few options for you there. You can get a smaller, more plain boat, or you can go bigger and better. Personally, I'd go
bigger, because those have glitter in the paint and I like glitter.
Someone TAPS on Holly's shoulder--uh oh. Ted's back, and he does not look pleased.
TED
Holly, what are you--
Mike SHUSHES him.
MIKE
You need to watch this.
Ted relents.
HOLLY
Great, you're going with the glitter! Er, I mean, the upgraded package.
MIKE
Are you seriously seeing this?
TED
I think I am.
HOLLY
Let me transfer you over to the BoatPals team so they can get you all sorted out. You're all set on that gold tier on my end--
TED
She sold GOLD TIER?
MIKE
Yup.
HOLLY
--right, yes. Enjoy the boat, Robert. Buh-bye.
She hangs up the phone and SPINS her chair back around to face Mike and Ted, beaming with pride. Ted is SLACK-JAWED.
HOLLY (CONT'D)
How'd I do?
INT. WHEELER'S HOUSE - NANCY'S BEDROOM
Nancy sits on her bed, cleaning her gun. She's delicate and precise--this is a girl who knows what she's doing. Someone KNOCKS on the door. She LOOKS UP, STASHES the gun under her comforter.
NANCY
Come in.
Joyce opens the door a CRACK and POKES HER HEAD THROUGH THE DOOR.
NANCY (CONT'D)
No.
JOYCE
I just wanted to let you know, I'm going to the store... So if you need anything...
NANCY
Got it.
JOYCE
I'll just be going then.
She GESTURES to the hallway. Nancy RAISES HER EYEBROWS.
NANCY
Got. It.
Joyce steps back out.
INT. WHEELER'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Joyce PATS DOWN her pockets, looking for her keys.
JOYCE
Where did I put them this time?
EXT. HAWKINS TOWN CENTER - EVENING
Jonathan and Will are STILL talking to Sergeant Burnett. They both look like they'd rather their eyes be ripped out Vecna-style than continue this conversation, but, alas. Such is the common thread for our teens today.
Jonathan CLEARS HIS THROAT.
JONATHAN
Look, SIR, we really ought to be going now--
SERGEANT BURNETT
Alright, alright. But before you go, let me give you this.
He searches through the inside pockets of his jacket and pulls out a large, crumpled packet labeled "THE U.S. ARMY AND YOU--HOW YOU CAN MAKE A KILLING!" Will's eyebrows rise sky-high. That HAS to be on purpose, right?!
Burnett HANDS him the packet and LOOKS expectantly at Will, as though he's waiting for something. Will holds out his hand for a SHAKE, but Burnett doesn't take him up on it. He PULLS his hand back. Suddenly, it occurs to him. He awkwardly SALUTES Burnett. Jonathan follows suit. The action looks incredibly out of place on both of them--they are clearly not military men. Who knows why Burnett took a liking to Will.
SERGEANT BURNETT (CONT'D)
Will, I hope to see you soon. Maybe you'll join my ranks.
WILL
(no way)
Uh, yeah. Sure.
Burnett WALKS OFF, leaving Jonathan and Will alone. Finally. They breathe a SIGH OF RELIEF.
JONATHAN
I can't believe he kept talking.
WILL
I can't believe he used trench warfare as a plus.
JONATHAN
I dunno, that seems pretty on-par for the sort of people we've got hanging around this town.
He BUMPS Will's shoulder.
JONATHAN (CONT'D)
We should head back.
WILL
Mom's probably searched, like, the toilet tank by now for her keys.
Jonathan TOSSES the keys in the air and CATCHES THEM.
JONATHAN
Good thing we'll be back just in time to "find them" for her.
INT. TED'S OFFICE - CUBICLE - EVENING
A LARGE CROWD has gathered around Ted's cubicle, in awe as Holly talks on the phone with another customer.
HOLLY
Ma'am, I truly cannot recommend the platinum tier enough. It'll protect you from all your major disasters and the like. So what are you thinking?
(beat)
You'll take it? Great!
The crowd ERUPTS in APPLAUSE and CHEERING. Mike grabs Holly's shoulders and gives her a proud SHAKE. She GIGGLES quietly in response.
HOLLY (CONT'D)
Now that you're protected, lets talk about your dependents...
FADE TO: BLACK
END.