knives_and_spoons
Fandoms
- British Comedy RPF (58)
- Only Connect RPF (46)
- Would I Lie To You? RPF (24)
- Empires SMP (21)
- Minecraft (Video Game) (21)
Recent works
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They Say Of The Acropolis, Where The Parthenon Is… by knives_and_spoons for a_snipers_nightmare
Fandoms: British Comedy RPF, QI (TV) RPF
27 Sep 2025
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Summary
A small insight into a strange, new love, as told through 9 snapshots. Each as dearly treasured as the last.
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Through pain and snow, drizzle and thunder, he clumps on forward. David feels her absence like a venemous abscess on his dullard teeth, crumbling to ash and rotted dirt in his mouth. No use, no purpose. He’s lost track of this. Drink; keep drinking. Beer, vodka, anything he can clamp his fat fingers on to shove down his desperate, starving gullet. Anything to stop the gnawing hunger of her.
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Maybe if she closes her eyes the guilt will subside; ebb and flow away alongside her wedding ring.
Series
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 246
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Kudos:
- 2
- Hits:
- 82
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Wildfire by knives_and_spoons
Fandoms: British Comedy RPF, Would I Lie To You? RPF, Only Connect RPF
15 Jan 2025
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Summary
It’s all very gentle with David. Not that Victoria’s complaining.
Indeed, not at all.
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Mother, father, brother; all vanquished in one fell swoop. His family’s laughter, a ghostly hymn, haunts corridors of stone. Their faces burned to memory; their loss is a weight he bears in solitude.
Series
- Part 17 of Empires SMP Oneshots
Recent series
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Knives’ Kinktober 2024 by knives_and_spoons
Fandom: British Comedy RPF, Only Connect RPF, QI (TV) RPF, Strictly Come Dancing RPF, Taskmaster (UK TV) RPF, Would I Lie To You? RPF
30 Nov 2024
Summary
All my kinktober fics for 2024!!!
- Words:
- 3,814
- Works:
- 18
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do you really want to know where i was april 29th? by knives_and_spoons
Fandom: British Comedy RPF, Only Connect RPF
04 May 2025
Summary
Charlie Brooker/Victoria Coren
High Infidelity - Taylor Swift
- Words:
- 3,090
- Works:
- 7
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Empires SMP Oneshots by knives_and_spoons
Fandom: 3rd life - Fandom, 3rd Life | Last Life SMP Series, Afterlife SMP, Area Unknown SMP, Empires SMP, Minecraft (Video Game), Origins SMP
08 Jan 2025
- Words:
- 19,128
- Works:
- 17
- Bookmarks:
- 5
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Knives’ Kinktober in August (2024) by knives_and_spoons
Fandom: British Comedy RPF, Countdown (UK TV) RPF, Only Connect RPF, QI (TV) RPF, Strictly Come Dancing RPF, Would I Lie To You? RPF
21 Oct 2024
Summary
Knives’ Kinktober in August (2024)
- Day 1: Shower Sex (David Mitchell/Victoria Coren)
- Day 2: Missionary (David Mitchell/Victoria Coren)
- Day 3: Edging (Claudia Winkleman/Victoria Coren)
- Day 4: Morning Sex (David Mitchell/Lee Mack)
- Day 5: Dirty Talk (Claudia Winkleman/Victoria Coren)
- Day 6: Double Penetration (David Mitchell/Lee Mack/Victoria Coren)
- Day 7: Spanking (Claudia Winkleman/Lee Mack)
- Day 8: Photography (Jimmy Carr/Victoria Coren)
- Day 9: Hate Sex (Charlie Brooker/Victoria Coren)
- Day 10: Marking (Charlie Brooker/Victoria Coren)
- Day 11: Overstimulation (Alan Davies/Stephen Fry)
- Day 12: Masturbation (David Mitchell/Victoria Coren)
- Day 13: Mirror sex (Claudia Winkleman/Victoria Coren)
- Day 14: Nipple play (David Mitchell/Lee Mack)
- Day 15: Sexting (Lee Mack/Victoria Coren)
- Day 16: Strap-On (Claudia Winkleman/Victoria Coren)
- Day 17: Worship (Claudia Winkleman/David Mitchell/Lee Mack/Victoria Coren)
- Day 18: Leather/Latex (Carol Vorderman/Claudia Winkleman/Victoria Coren)
- Day 19: Collars (Claudia Winkleman/David Mitchell/Lee Mack/Victoria Coren)- Words:
- 20,261
- Works:
- 20
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it’s nice to have a friend by knives_and_spoons
Fandom: British Comedy RPF, Countdown (UK TV) RPF, Only Connect RPF, Strictly Come Dancing RPF
16 Oct 2024
Summary
all of my claudia/victoria fics 💜💜
- Words:
- 18,470
- Works:
- 15
- Bookmarks:
- 1
Recent bookmarks
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Summary
Granger took a deep breath as if steeling herself to deliver unpleasant news. “Have you heard of SAP? The Sanctuary and Assistance Program?” she asked.
He had heard of it, terrible acronym and all. When Severus had read in the Prophet that wizarding families were opening their own homes to other witches and wizards that had been displaced during the war, he had wondered what fool would be willing to have their living space invaded. It seemed he was about to become one of those fools.
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Severus Snape is coerced into providing housing for Remus Lupin and his new baby.- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 58,165
- Chapters:
- 17/17
- Comments:
- 317
- Kudos:
- 1,024
- Bookmarks:
- 171
- Hits:
- 15,825
Bookmarked by knives_and_spoons
22 Dec 2024
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Summary
Severus is convinced dust is inevitable, but Remus notices the dour man won't tolerate any other untidiness.
Bookmarked by knives_and_spoons
19 Nov 2024
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Summary
Severus had always known that he would die in a painful, most horrifying way ever since back when he was almost beaten to death by his father, then mauled by a werewolf, then thrashed around by a maniac overlord. His miserable, luckless life only seemed to lead to that one day when he would be struck down by a bloody snake, of all things.
Bleeding out in front of Harry Potter was just the last humiliation Lady Destiny had in store for him.
Suddenly staring into Potter senior’s eyes again while being levicorpused was just the icing on the cake.