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Time flies by and you find yourself taught by other instructors, the ones actually meant to be teaching the things you needed to learn as a Jedi youngling. It didn’t take long before you noticed that you didn’t enjoy their presence as much as you enjoyed Obi Wan’s, which is why your motivation spiked. You wanted to study diligently enough to rid yourself of them as soon as possible. But your general dislike for these instructors isn’t the only reason for your sudden boost in motivation. Your promise to Qui Gon to become a Jedi Knight and get a Padawan— even though the Padawan bit is a bit of a maybe— spurred you on to move as far as you could.
And even if you didn’t want to admit to it, you didn’t want to lag too far behind Obi Wan. The two of you are quite far apart when considering your ages, yes, but it didn’t quell the fact that there was some part of you whispering for you to progress so that you could stand next to him as his equal.
But that longing to stand next to Obi Wan is a problem in it of itself and you know that you’ll have to deal with that crush, or whatever it was, and make sure you don’t end up letting it go on for too long. After all, you’re going to try and save Satine for the sole reason that Obi Wan would be happier with her around. With someone like her next to him, there was no more space for someone like you, unfortunately. By that token, it would save you a lot of heartache if you let him go sooner rather than later.
Your accelerated studies carried on for quite some time. Your days were filled with nothing but studying and practicing everyday and all day, cramming all hours with something to do. Honestly, you were surprised that you didn’t become fed up or come too close to burning out due to it all. Especially when it came to saber training. Sure, academics were easy after finally memorising the alphabet and the number system with the help of your older mental age, but using anything remotely similar to a lightsaber was hard as hell. Not to mention, gaining that Jedi physique and the application of techniques and movements was just… a lot.
But the one thing that surprised you the most was your ability to use the Force. Mostly because of what you needed to get through before actually being able to use the Force well. For some reason no one seemed to understand, it took one month to learn how to pick something like a leaf from the ground, and even something like that required special guidance from Yoda himself. You suppose you should count yourself lucky that you were even able to get through such a strangely difficult time. All it took was a hard, hard struggle through a bottleneck of obstacles until you finally learned how to manipulate the Force.
From there, once you’d learned to— as Yoda said— let go and let the Force guide you, it became easier and easier. From what you gathered as his advice isn’t all that easy to follow, all you had to do was relax and let the weird pressure that you feel around you drain into you, as if you were giving it passage into your body.
…
Or, something like that.
Even with that problem dealt with, patience and simply letting go wouldn’t work with something like saber training. That remained difficult.
But there was another thing that bothered you, haunting the edges of your mind during all waking hours of the day. That feeling of disconnection that’s been present ever since you arrived. You never told anyone about it, figuring that it was simply a consequence of your being here, meaning you needed to figure out an explanation or a cure yourself. It never left your body and everyday was filled with a creeping feeling of something not adding up. Of course, you knew something was wrong, but it seemed like no one else noticed. No one mentioned a word about this weird feeling and that left you in the dark in regards to it, meaning that it was truly something only you could work out.
And even now, four months since Obi Wan was last here as your tutor of sorts, you’re still drowning in your studies and practice. Reading, practicing, memorising: those were pretty much your only activities. When you weren’t studying in the library, you were practicing your saber techniques, and when you weren’t doing that, you were studying. Combat practice offered you enough relaxing from the taxing notion of literary studyship, so the balance was well kept and alright.
No one questioned your behavior and no one tried to stop you from overworking yourself either. They all seemed to be passively watching from the side as you struggled to push yourself further than you probably needed to for the sake of “catching up.” Perhaps they thought it was the smartest choice you could have made. Maybe they thought that this would be good for you, silently giving you free rein since all this studying and practicing would eventually make you a good Padawan and a better Jedi.
Well, perhaps they were right. Sure the repeating nature of studying and practicing was a little bit much sometimes, but never too overwhelming. And the payoff was definitely good.
Just like that, your world falls away, transitioning into one of repetitions. In a way, it mirrors the world you left, and on good days, you completely forgot about that previous life. On bad days, you try to hide away from the sadness gnawing at your heart. There had been a moment during one of these mundanely passing days when the remorse had struck you so hard that you’d managed to catch the eyes of some older Jedi you didn’t know the names of. Fearing for the possibility of being called out, you quickly pushed the sadness away and tried pulling the Force over you like a cloak or a blanket.
Anything to hide away from those watchful eyes.
Even without you being quite aware of it all the time, the faithful cover of yours remains covering your person. Now, you spend your days with a heavy presence constantly lingering over you. It’s a little assuring, though, to feel such a comforting touch, so you’re not complaining. It helps on days when you feel lonely, prodding you back into the reality of your situation with a light touch.
So just like before, you distract yourself with the present and the possibility of a future. With so much to do, there’s no time for thinking and grieving and mourning. There’s just so much to do. Thankfully there is, at least. You can’t imagine what your life would be like if you had too much time to think about things you’d rather keep away from the limelight of your mind.