Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A soft violet glow made Karkat raise his eyes from his computer and notice his surroundings for the first time in what had presumably been hours. He glanced at his phone just to make sure; yes, late morning had caught him working once again. He couldn't say he had officially messed up his sleep schedule if he didn't plan on sleeping at all, right?

When he turned his attention back to his multiple screen setup, a stupidly bright red "game over" had taken it all up. It was the sixteenth test run—and the third time in a row—he’d failed to beat the game in one of its more accessible modes. He fought the violent urge of destroying something with his bare hands in favor of screeching like a distressed car tire; the deadline to turn over this particular bug log was threateningly close and he couldn’t find it in him to stay focused.

"Fuck me sideways with a chainsaw," he groaned out loud.

Testing games wasn’t precisely his dream job, but his programming skills had proven to be too abhorrent to get into the game industry as a developer. In fact, his moping over how jobless, talentless and basically miserable he was had apparently been so remarkable that Sollux had had the benevolence of putting in a good word for him at the company he worked at, which in turn offered Karkat a semi-regular job as a game tester. It had been a blow to his pride to see his career crash before him, but he was secretly filled with gratitude and, as it turned out—although he had never considered himself much of a gamer—he was pretty decent at finding and recreating bugs.

Or he usually was, anyway.

He rubbed his eyes and ran his fingers through his thick hair and all the way back to his neck, then pressed his face to his cluttered desk and exhaled very slowly. This was getting ridiculous; his life was spiraling out of control at a staggering speed and all for what? That ridiculously handsome hipster douchebag at Starboons who he had been going out of his way to stare at for the past two weeks? He didn't even have a passion for coffee to justify the trip or the void that it had created in his wallet; he just drank it to stay caffeinated through his perpetual state of crunching to meet deadlines.

"This has nothing to do with that insufferable jerkfuck. For fuck’s sake, get a grip, Karkat!" he reminded himself.

He grabbed his phone. Someone had to pay for his crabby mood and the Universe demanded it was Eridan. He was the one who had kick-started his descent to insanity, after all, even if he didn't know.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 10:06

CG: HEY, ASSHOLE.
CG: ARE YOU AWAKE?
CG: I HOPE YOUR NOTIFICATIONS ARE ON AND MY INSISTENT PINGS DRILL THROUGH YOUR THICK PRINCELY SKULL OR WHATEVER THE FUCK UNTIL YOU'RE *LITERALLY* FORCED TO GET OUT OF YOUR PATHETIC DREAM JUST TO BEG ME TO STOP.
CG: BUT GUESS WHAT? I WON'T BE GIVING YOU THE SATISFACTION, YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF PRICY ROYAL FILTH. YOU'LL IMPLORE ME FOR MERCY WITH TEARS IN YOUR EYES… ALAS, ALL YOU WILL GET IS MY CONTEMPT AND THE CERTAINTY THAT YOUR STUPID FACE IS THE SECOND MOST VOMIT-INDUCING THING TO EVER GRACE THIS BITCH OF A PLANET…
CG: RIGHT AFTER YOUR IDIOTIC CAPE AND SILLY LITTLE BOWLING SHOES. SERIOUSLY, WHO WEARS THAT?
CG: JUST TELL ME THIS, ERIDAN, WHO THE FUCK WEARS CAPES CASUALLY?
CG: MASSIVE RODS LIKE YOU IS WHO.
CG: HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED WHAT US MERE MORTALS THAT HAVE THE MISFORTUNE OF KNOWING YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH ON THE DAILY?
CG: CAN YOU GRASP THE VISCERAL HATRED YOU STIR IN ME WITHOUT EVEN TRYING?
CG: WAIT, I SEE YOU TYPING. TO WHICH I SAY: STOP RIGHT THERE.
CG: AND MOST IMPORTANTLY SCRATCH EVERYTHING I JUST SAID. KNOWING YOU, YOU PROBABLY GET OFF THINKING I HATE YOU ALREADY (THANKS FOR THAT MENTAL IMAGE, BY THE WAY, I FUCKING HATE IT).
CG: SO LET ME BE CRYSTAL CLEAR: THIS IS *NOT* BLACK FLIRTING AND I ASSURE YOU IT WILL NEVER BE. NOT NOW, NOT IN A MILLION SWEEPS AND BASICALLY NOT EVER IN ANY CAPACITY OR ITERATION OF THE WORD.
CA: wwoww kar
CA: wwhat an intense and frankly desperate thing to say to a friend this late in the mornin
CG: I HATE YOU SO MUCH I THINK I MAY HAVE IRONICALLY ENDED UP TROLLING MYSELF JUST NOW.
CG: PLATONICALLY. I HATE YOU *PLATONICALLY*.
CA: im flattered to be in your thoughts i really am but as a friend i feel like i havve to break it to you
CA: i wwas regrettably wwide awwake and your shameless flirtin didnt havve the desired effect a wwooin me im afraid
CG: GOD, SHUT UP. WHY WOULD YOU TURN THIS AROUND TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE *YOU’RE* THE ONE REJECTING *ME*? I’M NOT THE DESPERATE SADFUCK AROUND HERE, REMEMBER?
CA: wwell excuse me but you literally havvent stopped sayin you hate me for twwo minutes straight so im gettin some mixed signals here
CA: youre alwways wwelcome to try a paler approach you knoww since you obvviously lack the required hatred for any sorta blackrom wwith me
CA: wwhich is apparently a recurrin thing in my life anywway
CG: WHAT PART OF I'M NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND, YOU NUMBFUCK?
CG:(HAVING SAID THAT, YOU ALREADY KNOW I’M HERE TO TALK IF YOU NEED IT).
CA: thanks kar i really appreciate it
CG: YEAH, WHATEVER. WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU SLEEPING ANYWAY? DID SOMEONE BREAK YOUR HEART AGAIN? I THOUGHT SLEEPLESS MORNINGS WERE MY THING, NOT YOURS. OR OURS, FOR THAT MATTER.
CA: id rather not get into the deep muddy wwaters that are my plentiful romantic troubles and evverlastin loneliness right noww if thats okay
CG: YEAH, SURE. HANG IN THERE, MAN.
CA: yeah im tryin
CA: to answwer your other question i lost all sense a time cause i wwas vvery invvested in this movvie
CG: OH. WHICH MOVIE?
CA: you probably knoww it its about this highblood that falls in lovve wwith a lowwblood
CG: THAT’S A SOLID REFERENCE, IT’S NOT LIKE THERE ARE A TRILLION MOVIES WITH THAT SAME EXACT ARGUMENT.
CG: I’M GONNA NEED YOU TO BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC THAN THAT, GENIUS.
CA: ehhhh
CA: one of the main characters is a wwhore
CG: ERIDAN.
CA: thats not my judgement kar
CA: shes literally a hooker
CA: as in she shags for a livvin
CG: MY MISTAKE THEN.
CG: HOLD UP. IS THE OTHER CHARACTER... PERHAPS... A STONE COLD BUSINESSMAN WHO’S TERRIBLE AT QUADRANTS?
CA: hes a businessman alright but hes not terrible hes like
CA: suavve
CG: OF COURSE YOU’D THINK THAT.
CA: wwhy do i feel like this is a dig at me
CG: BECAUSE IT IS, STUPID. IF I GUESSED THE MOVIE RIGHT, HE FUCKING SUCKS.
CA: maybe wwere not evven talkin about the same thing
CG: NO, I’M PRETTY SURE WE ARE AT THIS POINT.
CA: howw are you so sure
CG: ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO MAKE ME TYPE THE TITLE?
CA: if you lovved yourself evven a little bit you could sorta copy and paste it instead
CA: genius
CG: HERE GOES NOTHING:
CG: "In Which Indigoblood Corporansacker And Notable Casanova Edward Lewis (Played By Troll Richard Gere) Encounters Illicit Bronzeblood Pleasure And Genetic Material Provider Vivian (Played By Troll Julia Roberts And Supported By Troll Laura Giacomo, who plays Her Rustblood Associate And Moirail) And Pays Her To Drive A Manual Gear Selecting Four Wheeled Device He Has Borrowed From His Trusty Intimidatvocate (Played By Troll Jason Alexander) To Luxury Respitecluster, Where He Hires Her Not Only For Her Expected Services (Which He Does), But Also To Play Pretend Matesprit For A Week To Attain Pail Insurance After Flushed Rupture; Following A Lot Of Shenanigans (Among which: A Dramatic Makeover, Several Sensual Scenes, A No Kiss On The Lips Rule, Grubhood Dreams Of Fairytale Knights On White Steeds Saving Princesses, A Hoofbeast Race, Multiple Social Standing Difference Conflicts, An Almost Love Confession, A Serious Reconsideration Of Careers On Both Leads’ Sides, A Failed Business Deal In Favor Of Character Growth And An Inappropriate Pitch Solicitation Which Turns to Ashen Vacillation Upon Further Consideration And Finally Results In A Physical Altercation That Leads To A 4.62 Sweep Relationship Termination), A Now Highly Lovestruck And Morally Reformed Highblood Asks His Lowblood Love Interest To Stay With Him For One Last Night (Not Because He’s Paying, But Because She Wants To) To Which She Refuses; She Then Leaves With The Intention Of Venturing Into Newer Territories And Achieving A Higher Level Of Studies (By Leaving Supportive Moirail Behind); Ultimately The Male Lead Re-thinks His Life Choices While Heading To The Airport And Instead Detours To His Partner’s Subgrub Hive With A Beautiful Blossom Vessel In Hand To Put A Lid To The Previously Mentioned Fairytale Metaphor, Overcoming The Blood Obstacle And His Fear Of Heights Through The Raw Power Of Love In The Process. Relevant Counters Include: 10 Kisses On The Lips, Possibly More Than 4 Buckets Filled Off Camera, 44 Fancy Cutlery Tines And At Least 10 Lavish Outfits."
CA: hm
CA: yeah thats the one
CA: it wwas so good
CA: the music wwas so catchy and there wwere some stellar getups like that wwhite button dowwn dress topped off wwith mid length glovves and a wwide brimmed sun hat
CA: the black lace cocktail dress on the other hand wwas hideous and i havve a lotta things to say on the matter
CG: WAIT, YOU LIKED IT?
CA: no im tellin you it wwas a poor fashion choice
CG: I MEAN THE MOVIE, DID YOU LIKE *LIKE* IT?
CA: sure i did
CA: you might not believve this kar but the class quandary struck a chord wwith me and i kept thinkin that it must havve been so hard for that bronzeblood to be constantly humiliated for somethin she cant change
CA: she deservved to be treated like the princess she is
CA: an irritatingly ill mannered princess but a princess still
CG: ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE BEING SERIOUS.
CA: the pitch to ashen vvacillation wwith that vvile intimidatvvocate had me on the edge a my seat too and the moirail farewwell scene made me tear up cause
CA: wwell cause im wweak to that for reasons that youre already privvy to
CA: wwait wwhy wwouldnt i be serious
CG: HJSKADSJLFJSAEWFEFDEW
CA: kar
CA: kar wwhy are you keyboard smashin at me
CG: I’M LOSING MY SHIT SO HARD RIGHT NOW THAT I COULD PUT UP A LOST GRUB ANNOUNCEMENT WHERE THE GRUB IN QUESTION IS REPLACED BY MY SHIT. I’VE NEVER FOUND A GOOD OCCASION TO RECOMMEND MOVIES TO YOU, MOSTLY BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER SHOWN ANY INTEREST IN ROMCOMS BEFORE; BUT *THIS* MOVIE IN PARTICULAR? IT’S ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVORITES.
CA: is it
CG: NOT TO GET SAPPY ON YOU, BUT I RELATE A LOT TO VIVIAN’S BLOOD STRUGGLE AND KNOWING YOU’RE NOT ONLY EMPHATIC WITH HER SITUATION BUT ACTUALLY ALSO FEEL A CONNECTION WITH HER? I’M HAVING A MOMENT HERE. AN "I MAY OR MAY NOT BE GETTING TEARY EYED RIGHT NOW" MOMENT, TO BE MORE SPECIFIC.
CA: awwwwwwww
CA: i dont knoww wwhat to say to that kar
CA: am i really makin you THAT emotional
CA: just to check its me wwhos makin you emotional and not the lack of sleep right
CG: WE’RE BONDING OVER A SHARED INTEREST FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SWEEPS, PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME REGRET THIS.
CA: i wwont
CA: cross my blood pusher its just
CA: youvve nevver said anyfin like this to me
CA: you barely refer to me as a friend
CG: COME ON, WE TALKED ABOUT FISH PUNS; YOU DON’T NEED THEM.
CA: wwwwww
CG: OF THE TOPIC AT HAND: ME NOT SAYING WE’RE FRIENDS 24/7 DOESN’T MAKE OUR FRIENDSHIP ANY LESS REAL? EVER HEARD OF OBJECT PERMANENCE, DUMBASS?
CA: at the risk a soundin like a fuckin idiot
CA: you consider me a friend
CG: YEAH?
CA: wwoww
CA: i
CG: ALRIGHT. FUCK OFF ALREADY, ALL THIS SENTIMENTALISM IS MAKING ME SICK. ESPECIALLY SINCE MY INTENTION WAS TO GIVE YOU AN EARFUL, NOT A FREE DOSE OF VALIDATION. I MEAN, YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME FOR THAT, I GUESS. MY GENEROSITY TRULY IS UNMATCHED.
CA: oh yeah wwhy wwere you contactin me in the first place
CG: OKAY SO, REMEMBER THE OTHER DAY WHEN YOU DRAGGED ME OUT OF MY HIVE AND RIGHT INTO A STARBOONS BY BRUTE FORCE BECAUSE "if youre gonna ovverwwork yourshell you might as wwell do it in a less depressing envvironment"?
CA: you dunce it doesnt make sense to use my quirk if youre paraphrasin wwhat i said instead a directly quotin me
CA: and im pretty sure i NEVVER said anythin about shells
CA: but i do remember
CG: THE BLONDE BARISTA, DO YOU REMEMBER HIM TOO?
CA: the one wwith the shades
CG: YES, THE ONE WITH THE SHADES.
CA: wwhat about him
CG: HE IS SO PERFORMATIVELY PRETENTIOUS THAT I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL INTRIGUED.
CA: wwhat does that mean
CG: HE'S SO… DOUCHEY HE MUST BE FAKING IT. HE HAS TO BE. SEE; YOU'RE A POSER BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU'RE POSING AS, RIGHT? OR RATHER, BECAUSE YOU *WANT* TO BECOME THE POSE. A CLASSIC CASE OF "CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN". WITH HIM IT'S LIKE HE'S CONSTANTLY PLAYING A PARODY OF A COOL KID AS A FUCKED UP WAY TO ACHIEVE A LEGITIMATE COOLNESS STATUS. SOMETHING DOESN’T ADD UP AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
CA: uh ill just ignore you insultin me outta no fuckin wwhere but as a matter a fact no i dont knoww wwhat youre tryin to get at
CG: AT FIRST I THOUGHT HE'S JUST YOUR AVERAGE TRY-HARD GUY, BUT UPON FURTHER CONSIDERATION I THINK HE'S… NOT THAT. HE ACTUALLY PUTS EFFORT INTO BEING THE LAMEST DOUCHEBAG AT THE STORE.
CA: kar im actually lost howw does any of that havve anythin to do wwith me
CG: IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, ASSWAD. IF YOU HADN'T FORCIBLY TAKEN ME THERE I WOULDN'T HAVE SEEN HIM. AND IF I HADN'T SEEN HIM, HE WOULDN'T HAVE PIQUED MY CURIOSITY. AND IF HE HADN'T PIQUED MY CURIOSITY, I WOULDN'T BE SPENDING A CENT ON THAT GODAMN OVERPRICED COFFEE SHOP AND I WOULD BE DOING MY JOB EFFICIENTLY INSTEAD OF WASTING TWO WEEKS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK'S UP WITH THAT GUY.
CA: wwhat youvve been goin to starboons on your owwn evver since i took you there
CA: ohhhh
CA: i see wwhere this is goin
CA: youre gettin distracted at wwork because you keep thinkin about him huh
CG: YEAH, WISE GUY. GREAT READING COMPREHENSION SKILLS.
CA: wwhich one is it flushed or pitch
CG: EXCUSE ME, WHAT?
CA: your crush
CG: NO.
CA: wwhat do you mean no
CG: WE'RE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION, IT'S JUST NOT HAPPENING.
CA: karkat
CG: WHY ARE YOU SAYING MY NAME? IT'S MAKING ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
CA: karkat youre tellin me youvve been consistently sacrificin your mornins for twwo wweeks just because that guy is sooo lame
CG: THAT'S WHAT I'M TELLING YOU, YES.
CA: and you genuinely believve youre absolutely not crushin on him
CG: THAT’S RIGHT. I GENUINELY BELIEVE I’M ABSOLUTELY NOT CRUSHING ON HIM.
CA: youre bee essin me and wwe both knoww it
CG: I'M NOT. HE'S INTRIGUING, THAT DOESN’T MEAN I'M ABOUT TO JUMP INTO HIS ARMS.
CA: for howw perceptivve you usually are wwith romantic stuff you sure are bein dense about it
CA: evven i can tell howw stupid you sound tryin to deny it
CG: YOU THINK THAT EVERYONE'S COMING ONTO YOU BECAUSE YOU INDISCRIMINATELY COME ONTO EVERYONE, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE'RE ALL LIKE YOU. IF CLUELESS WAS A NAME I BET MY ASS IT'D BE YOURS.
CA: wwell youre not wwide of the mark about that but no matter howw you look at it its obvvious that youre obsessin ovver that barista
CA: if you end up gettin it on be sure to thank me you ungrateful bastard
CG: YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR WINDPIPE ALL THE TIME AND I HATE YOU.
CA: sure you do
CG: OH, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT? IT'S TIME FOR ME TO FUCK OFF. SMELL YOU LATER.
CA: are you heading out somewwhere
CG: UH, YES? BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM, I JUST NEED TO GRAB SOME COFFEE TO GET THROUGH THIS FUCKING GAME THAT'S DRIVING ME UP THE WALL.
CG: STOP BEING SO NOSY, WILL YOU?
CA: you texted me of your owwn vvolition havve you forgotten
CG: SCREAMING AT YOU WAS SUPPOSED TO RELIEVE MY STRESS, BUT YOU MANAGED TO RUIN THAT TOO, ASSWIPE. I ASSURE YOU I'LL UNLEASH MY FURY ON YOU FOR REAL NEXT TIME YOU TRY TO SCHOOL ME ON ROMANCE. WHICH, BY THE WAY, YOU KNOW SHIT FUCK ABOUT.
CG: INCIDENTALLY SHIT FUCK IS WHERE IT'S AT. MY ABILITY TO CARE.
CG: YOU SHOULD BE SLEEPING, SO GO DO THAT.
CA: fine havve it your wway
CA: dont make a fool of yourself and keep me updated
CG: UPDATED ON WHAT? ARE YOU EVEN READING ME? I'M ONLY GOING TO GET COFFEE. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I'M NOT LOSING SLEEP OVER AN IDIOT WHO WEARS MIRROR SHADES INDOORS. I ACTUALLY HAVE STANDARDS, UNLIKE A CERTAIN SOMEONE.
CA: aww look howw smitten you are already
CA: its almost endearin
CA: havve you talked to him
CA: tell me more next time
CG: ERIDAN, MY FINGER IS HOVERING OVER THE BLOCK BUTTON AS WE SPEAK, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? BECAUSE IT SURE SEEMS YOU'RE GUNNING FOR THAT RIGHT NOW.
CA: hm wwhatevver
CA: havve fun
CG: WILL DO.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 10:42

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 10:42

CG: IF THAT HAD SOME KIND OF IMPLICATION TO IT: FUCK YOU.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 10:43

After his rollercoaster of an exchange with Eridan, Karkat proceeded to suppress a growing identity crisis by pumping it up at his modest home gym for ten minutes. Everyone was surprised to discover that he was a bit of a workout addict upon meeting him, but the truth was that he was so pent-up with his daily life and job that he truly needed that release. The way he saw it, the energy he didn’t use up sitting all day had to go somewhere.

He hit the shower, threw on a pair of washed out jeans and a classic Steve Jobs turtleneck—both of which constituted approximately 90% of his wardrobe—and walked out the door. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but he was straining at the leash to see the coffee shop boy he genuinely believed he absolutely wasn’t crushing on.

First thing he saw when he walked into Starboons was a middle aged human lady throwing a fit. He didn’t know what the offense had been, but judging by the expressions of every other customer, she was clearly blowing things out of proportion.

"You—What’s your name, kid?" she was telling an unphased barista, who of course happened to be the barista. 

"Dave," he answered composedly as he subtly rearranged his name tag. So his name was Dave, somehow Karkat hadn’t been able to catch that in any of his previous visits.

"David. I know mistakes happen, but you have to understand I’m not only paying for the coffee here... Am I wrong to assume the price includes the service?"

"No, ma’am."

"Am I wrong to make a complaint if you messed up my order?" she continued, her perfectly manicured nails tapping the counter rhythmically for dramatic effect.

"No, ma’am," he repeated.

"Then would it hurt you to look a little more willing to serve me? I can excuse the mishap, but I’m getting the feeling you just don’t want to be here."

"Nothing further from the truth," he said in a monotonous tone that didn't precisely help his case. "As I said, I’m very sorry and I’ll gladly remake your coffee or refund you, if you'd like. We also have customer complaints at your disposal if you're not satisfied with the attention you're receiving," he recited like he knew the rowdy customer service protocol by heart, which he most likely did. 

"Of course I'm not satisfied! Are you deaf? That's what I've been saying from the start! The attention here is absolutely terrible. What's that face supposed to be? If you're in the wrong you should at least have a well disposed smile to make up for it, don't you think?" 

"This is my face, ma'am. Can't do anything about it. My best offer at this point is either a remake or a refund." 

"I don't want a refund, I want to speak to the manager," she threatened. 

"Sure, let me call him," Dave shrugged. 

"—Wait. I don't actually have time for this, just remake it. Make sure it's soy milk this time, will you?" she sighed. "And don't overdo it with the ice, I don't like the texture."

"Soy milk, not too icy. Right up."

Dave began preparing another Iced Caramel Macchiato (not that Karkat knew what it was called) under the woman's unforgiving scrutiny. He managed not to look pressured in the slightest, but then again, he had a dispassionate aura to him that made it hard to guess what was going through his mind. That being said, he looked like he genuinely enjoyed the coffee making part of his job; he still wasn't smiling as he worked, but the corners of his mouth had relaxed into a softer line. His hands moved around the counter and across the coffee maker comfortably: First two pumps of vanilla syrup, then a scoop of ice, some soy milk, one shot of freshly made espresso and a generous caramel drizzle to top it off. The result was a beautifully crafted layered drink. Karkat was no expert, but he could tell the attention and care he had put into it. 

When he turned to grab a plastic lid and hand the order over, he noticed Karkat and nodded at him to let him know that he'd be with him shortly. 

"Find something?" he asked the problematic customer as she inspected the cup, blatantly looking for any fault in her drink that could justify her entitlement (and fortunately not finding any). 

"Hmph. I was just making sure."

"Of course you were. If that's all… have a good one," he politely waved her off. She didn't even bother answering before striding out of the establishment like everyone else was lucky to be breathing the same air as her. Dave and Karkat exchanged a brief knowing look. "G’morning, what can I get you?"

"I was actually wondering if I could get what she got?" Karkat asked and—by the way Dave winced—he knew he’d been too loud.

"An Iced Caramel Macchiato…?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Well, if that’s what it’s called… You know, since you already made it."

"Oh, you literally want hers. Bro, I appreciate the sentiment, but we can’t do that." Of course he’d default to bro talk, Karkat thought.

"Oh."

"Yeah. Besides, isn’t that a bit too sweet for you?"

"How the fuck do you know what’s sweet for me?" Karkat spat out of nervousness. "I mean, how do you know that? " he tried to soft-pedal his aggressiveness, but if anything it came out more aggravating. There was a shocked silence between both parties.

"Whoa, are you angry? I figured—You usually order Americanos with no sugar, right? So I—Uh. I didn’t mean to assume, I guess. Sorry if I offended you?" Dave’s face was still unreadable, but his tone gave away just how flustered he was. Karkat wanted to assure him he wasn’t angry at all, instead he said:

"Shit—You remember me?" He was swooning so hard over this revelation that he tried leaning on the counter to calm himself down, but he miscalculated the distance and plummeted to the ground instead. "Fu—ck!"

"—Wh—?" 

If they had been in a romantic comedy, this would have been a good "record scratch, freeze frame" moment, but since they weren't, the troll unceremoniously landed on his ass in as humiliating a way as one might conceive. Time might not have stopped, but Eridan’s words of wisdom did echo in his mind: "Don’t make a fool of yourself". Well, not only had he done just that, but he had also graduated top of his class, for good measure. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him, but Dave poking his pretty head out to check on him was all it took for him to lose his last shred of dignity. Why hadn’t anyone laughed? He should be relieved, but instead he found himself thinking his performance was so poor in all fields that he couldn’t even get a miserable chuckle out of people when accidentally playing a classic funny stunt.

"—Dude, are you okay?"

"Please, don’t ask," Karkat murmured as he attempted to get back on his feet, both figuratively and physically speaking. "I was not angry, by the way. I didn’t even mean to shout, but my volume o’meter is apparently as busted as my spatial perception. Believe me, I know my voice is annoying as fuck, I have to listen to it every time I speak." Confessing he hated himself in their first conversation was admittedly another power move of his, but when Dave controlledly snickered at him… he was almost grateful for being a complete idiot. Or he would have been if he wasn't also tragically dense and currently in denial about his crush. Allegedly. 

"Pffft, that was your voice? No offense, my resting bitch face syndrome is right there with you, buddy."

"Yeah, can’t do anything about your face," Karkat shrugged. "You did a pretty good job with that if you ask me—Fuck, not your face. I mean, your face is fine, but I was talking about your handling of the situation earlier."

"I really thought you were ‘bout to rate the crap out of my face for a hot second there, like: Dog, your mug is a solid seven out of ten. Got a few things you could work on, though."

"Haha… Uh, no. You probably won’t believe this, but I’m usually not this stupid; it’s the lack of sleep." Why was he trying so hard to justify himself? 

"Man, don’t sweat it. Come to think of it, aren’t trolls nocturnal? We don’t get many of you in the mornings."

"Oh. So that’s why you remember me."

"Well, there's also the fact that you're fucking shredded and generally hot as hell, but yeah, that too," Dave contemplated. "Fuck, did I say that out loud? Don't tell me I actually said that out loud."

Karkat couldn't even answer, so he gawked at the blond like a dumbass.

"—I totally did. Way to go, Dave," he brought a hand to his face to hide what the shades couldn’t. "Look—I promise I’m not a creep. I'm just—not very good at filtering the shit that comes out of my mouth. Like, it’s an actual thing with me, so if you could ignore me, that'd be dope. That's right, just fucking ignore me. I think we can all agree it's a miracle that I didn't fly off the handle sooner, but my grip on that fucker can't be as tight as duck's ass all the time, can it? What I'm saying is: a dude's gotta sit back and loosen up his metaphorical bird asshole once in a while and just fucking watch that handle crash and burn in real time. Like I’m doing right now," he finished. Karkat continued to say nothing, mostly because he was very much still in shock. "So. Your coffee—Is it too late to ask how you want your coffee—?" 

"—What? " 

"Coffee?" Dave choked in a weird pitch.

"Oh, I'll have the usual," Karkat finally recovered. 

"A Venti Americano to go? Or do you want to stick with the… Ahem, Macchiato?" 

"First one’s good. Thanks."

"Your name?"

"Uh, Karkat."

"Karkat. Cool," he said as he grabbed a sharpie.

"Cool."

Dave turned his back to Karkat as he prepared his order so that they could both freak out over their respective fuck-ups in peace and the latter took the opportunity to give the human the glad eye. He was on the skinnier side and his face was powdered with little freckles that scattered about his arms, hands and neck. His slight gradient undercut seamlessly bridged between his milky blond hair and his pale peachy skin and his sideburns might as well have been laser cut because he didn’t have a single hair out of place. Both of his ears were pierced and—now that he took a good look at them—remarkably flushed. Karkat wondered if that had anything to do with him, but more importantly: whether he was exhibiting a red to match.

"Sorry, this bad boy ran out of coffee. Be right back," Dave excused himself and disappeared into the storeroom for a full two minutes. 

When he came back to finish his business, his ears were still red. An Americano was seemingly a pretty straightforward drink: four espresso shots with hot water. That was it; an ordinary uncomplicated, black coffee. Dave made it in the twinkling of an eye. 

"Here it is at last. Be careful, it’s hot."

"Yeah, thanks." Karkat reached for the cup and their hands met only in passing, but it was enough to send his heart thumping. He paid and bobbed his head awkwardly, not knowing how to give their interaction closure.

"Uh. See you tomorrow?" Dave casually leaned back. He actually looked gorgeous in his stupid Starboons apron and his stupid black skinny jeans and stupider three quarters raglan tee. The bastard.

"Gotta get my daily caffeine dose somewhere," he brushed him off, like any coffee shop or barista would do as long as he got his coffee.

"Haha, sure. Have a nice day."

Karkat was very close to declaring himself lost and hopeless.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 21:12

CA: kar did you make it out alivve
CG: GREAT, JUST THE MOTHERFUCKER I WANTED TO TALK TO.
CA: really
CG: NO.
CA: guessed as much
CA: so
CG: I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GONNA ASK, SO I’LL SAVE YOU THE TROUBLE. HERE’S THE UPDATE YOU WERE DYING TO GET: I PULLED OUT ALL THE STOPS TO LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE NOOKSUCKER IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AT STARBOONS AND NOW I CAN’T SHOW MY FACE THERE ANYMORE. THE FUCKING END.
CA: wwhy wwhat happened
CG: YOU BETTER NOT LAUGH AT ME OR I’LL GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT. PROMISE?
CA: excuse me but wwho do you think youre threatenin wwith vviolence you savvage i could snap your neck in twwo wwith one hand if i wwanted
CA: im not so stirred that id promise shit under these terms
CG: THEN I’M NOT TELLING.
CA: then im not listenin
CG: GOD, YOU’RE SO FUCKING CHILDISH. YOU KNOW MY THREATS ARE EMPTY ANYWAY.
CA: youre one to TALK
CA: but so are mine
CG: OKAY. FINE. I’LL TELL YOU, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I NEED TO GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM. PULL UP A CHAIR, MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE. WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?
CA: stop wwith the theatrics and get on wwith it stupid i dont havve all night im busy wwith a campaign you see
CG: BEING AN INSTAGRUB INFLUENCER IS NOT A REAL JOB, YOU POSH GOOD-FOR-NOTHING CLOD.
CA: you say that but my 60k and steady income beg to differ howw much do you make again
CG: OUCH. RIGHT WHERE IT HURTS, BUT I WALKED INTO THAT ONE.
CG: DO YOU WANT TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENED OR NOT?
CA: aye
CG: LONG STORY SHORT, I TRIED BEING NICE TO THE BARISTA BECAUSE A FUCKING SNOB WAS CAUSING A RUMPUS AND I DON’T KNOW HOW, BUT I ENDED UP SCREAMING AT HIM AND SITTING ON MY ASS. ON THE FLOOR. AS IN, I FELL DOWN.
CA: wwhat do you mean you fell down you tripped or somethin
CG: NO, I DIDN’T TRIP, I JUST FELL.
CA: you just randomly fell
CG: YEAH, ON MY ASS. WANT ME TO PROSIFY IT FOR YOU?
CA: are you hurt
CG: SEE, NOW THIS IS JUST ANNOYING. WHY AREN’T YOU MAKING FUN OF ME *EITHER*? I’M TELLING YOU I, A GROWN ASS ADULT, TOOK AN ASS DIVE IN PUBLIC. I DIDN’T TRIP, THE FLOOR WASN’T WET, NO ONE PUSHED ME, I WASN’T DIZZY. NONE OF THAT, NO, I OUTRIGHT JUST LEANED ON A COUNTER. ONLY THERE WAS NO COUNTER, BUT PLENTY OF GROUND.
CG: WHICH GOT CLOSELY ACQUAINTED WITH MY HINDQUARTERS. THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE HILARIOUS.
CA: you asked me not to laugh so i didnt and noww youre angry that i didnt wwhats up ww that
CG: YOUR BULGE IS WHAT.
CA: such eloquence you really havve a wway wwith wwords
CG: I GET THAT A LOT.
CG: SO YOU DIDN’T LAUGH.
CA: no
CG: NOT EVEN A LITTLE.
CA: not really no
CG: WHAT ABOUT A MILDLY AMUSED SNIGGER?
CA: if that helps you cope sure i sniggered out loud readin about your misfortune like the amazin friend i am
CG: THANKS.
CA: dont you havve anythin more juicy for me
CG: OH YEAH, ACTUALLY. SINCE YOU’RE SO INVESTED IN THIS MADE UP SCENARIO IN YOUR THINK PAN WHERE I’M LIVING A REAL LIFE COFFEE SHOP AU. WE MADE SMALL TALK TODAY. HIS NAME IS DAVE.
CA: first-name basis so soon wwhoa
CA: did you get his number or his socials
CG: MAYBE YOU MISSED THE "SMALL TALK" PART OF WHAT I JUST SAID.
CG: I JUST *KNOW* YOU’RE WIGGLING YOUR EYEBROWS RIGHT NOW.
CA: wwrong my eyebrowws are perfectly still
CA: wwhat did you twwo talk about
CG: YOU KNOW.
CG: NOTHING IN PARTICULAR.
CG: WELL, THAT WOULD TECHNICALLY BE A LIE. AS I SAID, AN ENTITLED WOMAN WAS GIVING HIM A HARD TIME BECAUSE SOMETHING WAS OFF IN HER ORDER (WE’RE TALKING OLYMPIC LEVEL RUMPUS HERE, SHE THREATENED TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER AND EVERYTHING, BUT IT WAS ALL A BLUFF). ANYWAY, I FELT BAD SO I ORDERED THE SAME AS HER, BUT HE COULDN’T GIVE IT TO ME AND, AS IT TURNS OUT, HE REMEMBERED HOW I LIKE MY COFFEE? THAT WAS WHEN I SCREAMED IN HIS FACE AND FELL OVER, I’M NOT GOING INTO ANY MORE DETAIL THAN THAT. MOSTLY BECAUSE I WANTED TO DIE SO HARD I GAVE MYSELF AMNESIA. NOW HE PROBABLY THINKS I’M A WEIRDO THAT SHITS HIS PANTS IN PERFECTLY NORMAL SOCIAL INTERACTIONS.
CG: DISCLAIMER: I DIDN’T *ACTUALLY* SHIT MY PANTS. GOOD FUCKING GRIEF.
CA: oh my god kar
CG: I KNOW.
CG: HE’S NOT BETTER OFF THAN ME, IN ANY CASE. HE APPARENTLY HAS A SERIOUS CASE OF VERBIAGE AND YOU MIGHT THINK THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING, COMING FROM ME. BUT IT’S TRUE, HE HAS NO FILTER WHATSOEVER. HE JUST VOMITS WORDS.
CG: HE SAID I’M HOT.
CA: he said WWHAT
CG: LIKE I SAID, HE HAS NO FILTER, HE DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE HE WAS SAYING IT OUT LOUD.
CA: hey thats good newws great newws evven
CA: you humiliated yourself and he still fancies you
CA: hes fuckin stupid and youre fuckin stupid
CA: wwhats twwo plus twwo
CG: LET ME PULL OUT MY CALCULATOR REAL QUICK.
CG: AH, IT SEEMS TO BE FUCK YOU.
CA: maybe theres hope for you yet maybe you wwont die alone
CG: SOMEHOW THAT’S DOING THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF BRINGING ME COMFORT. YOU'RE DEPRESSING, MAN.
CG: AND SINCE YOU KEEP FORGETTING THIS TINY DETAIL: I’M STILL *NOT* CRUSHING ON HIM. MY INTEREST IS MERELY SOCIOLOGICAL.
CA: you swwoon you sigh wwhy deny it
CG: I’M NOT EVEN DENYING IT, I JUST DON’T THINK I’M *THAT* FAR-GONE IS ALL.
CA: yet not that far-gone YET
CA: kar this is your chance to livve out one of your romantic comedy fantasies you havve to fight tooth and nail for it
CA: you dont knoww if or wwhen hell get bored
CA: need i remind you that humans only havve one type a quadrant someone could snatch him from you right in front of your eyes
CG: WHY DO I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE PUSHING YOUR INSECURITIES ONTO ME?
CA: because i dont wwant you makin the same mistakes i did
CG: OH SHIT, I DIDN’T REALIZE WE WERE GETTING OURSELVES INTO A FEELINGS JAM. IS THAT WHAT’S HAPPENING? BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THE DUMBSHIT THAT DIDN’T QUITE PICK UP ON THE DRESS CODE AND TURNS UP AT THE PARTY WITH A TRACKSUIT AND FLIP FLOPS WITH SOCKS.
CA: karkat
CG: THERE YOU GO SAYING MY NAME. I GET IT, IT’S THAT SERIOUS. I’LL SHUT UP NOW.
CA: i knoww you havve a lot more redeemin qualities than me but you saww howw i fucked up all my relationships because im a stuck up taxin cunnin asshole no one can stand
CG: THAT’S NOT NECESSARILY TRUE.
CA: let me finish
CA: nevver not evven once in my romantic or platonic life wwas i honest about my intentions or feelins
CA: i wwas too cowwardly to tell fef i wwanted somethin more and by the time i told myself i could do it she didnt wwant me in any quadrant
CA: i really wwas out there braggin about howw wwe wwere destined to be together wwhile she wwas mullin ovver howw to break up wwith me
CA: not that i can precisely complain about it because i wwas selfishly using my moiraillegiance wwith her as a steppin stone
CA: my kismesissitude wwith vvris was nothin short of bitter either she saww me as a disposable tool from the start and i wwas so afraid of rejection that i wwent around beggin anyone to auspistice for us
CA: it didnt cross my mind to ask her if that wwould solvve anythin betwween us i wwas convvinced it wwould as a matter a fact
CA: and i wwas so fuckin jealous and defeated about evverythin that i pressured sol and put kan against the ropes to the point i lost any chance of being their friend let alone anythin remotely pitch or red or ashen
CA: and noww after all this time i finally see myself for wwhat i wwas
CA: a dishonest opportunist prick
CA: i didnt say wwhat mattered wwhen it mattered most and i regret it evvery single day
CA: so if theres the slightest possibility of this being flushed you should hold onto it for dear life so that you wwont end up havvin any regrets
CA: shit i cant evven see the screen anymore
CG: ERIDAN?
CG: ARE YOU CRYING?
CA: i dindt mean t talk about this i dont knoww wwhat happened
CA: i thnk
CA: i think i havve hit rock bottom
CA: im so pathetic
CG: FUCK, MAN, YOU’RE NOT. YOU’RE NOT PATHETIC.
CG: IF YOU WERE FEELING LIKE THIS YOU SHOULD HAVE REACHED OUT SOONER.
CA: im too clingy as it is
CG: SO WHAT IF YOU ARE. WHAT ARE FRIENDS IF NOT PEOPLE THAT PUT UP WITH EACH OTHER’S BULLSHIT? I SHOULD HAVE PRESSED ON THE MATTER WHEN YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ROMANTIC TROUBLES EARLIER. IN HINDSIGHT, THE WHOLE "I'M NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU, YOU DESPERATE FUCK" THING MIGHT HAVE BEEN INSENSITIVE ON MY PART. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I DIDN'T ACTUALLY MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT. NOTHING TRULY HURTFUL, AT LEAST.
CA: that wwas you messin ww me like wwe alwways do right you dont need to explain yourself
CA: its not like youre wwrong about me bein a desperate fuck
CG: WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU, ERIDAN? SERIOUSLY, YOU CAN TELL ME.
CA: i dunno its humiliatin to admit but
CA: the loneliness must be gettin to my head
CA: and i dont havve the confidence to do anythin about it anymore
CG: IS THIS ABOUT SOMEONE IN PARTICULAR?
CA: wwhen is it not
CG: WHY ARE YOU BEING SO VAGUE? IS THAT AN INVITATION FOR ME TO GUESS OR TO KINDLY FUCK OFF? BECAUSE YOU CAN BE DIRECT ABOUT EITHER.
CA: guess
CG: IS THIS ABOUT FEFERI OR SOLLUX? PLEASE, DON’T ANSWER YES.
CA: i nevver stopped missin her
CG: BUT IT’S ABOUT HIM.
CA: yeah
CG: I THOUGHT YOU TRYING TO GET HER TO AUSPISTICE YOU GUYS WAS JUST, HOW DO I PUT THIS, YOU TRYING TO BREAK OFF WHAT THEY HAD AND FIND A WAY BACK INTO HER LIFE. WASN’T IT?
CA: it wwasnt as much of a ruse as it wwas me genuinely tryin to figure out my feelins
CA: i wwont lie i wwas foamin at the mouth wwhen she left me to havve wwhat i wwanted wwith her wwith someone else and it stung pretty bad that on top of it all it wwas a bipolar mustardblood wwith a lisp
CA: god knowws ivve changed my vviewws evver since about castes i mean
CA: anywway i hated him obvviously
CA: he stole evverythin that wwas dear to me and looked stupidly smug about it howw could i not hate him
CG: *THAT* WAY?
CA: i guess
CA: but heres the twwist wwhen i saww them flirtin i didnt knoww wwho to be jealous of
CG: OH FUCKKKK. THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING. YOU WERE VACILLATING WITH HIM, BUT STILL FELT SOMETHING OF THE REDDER KIND FOR HER? I THOUGHT, IF ANYTHING, YOU'D BE BLACK FOR HIM.
CA: i nevver figured it out
CA: wwhat i wwanted from them
CG: WHAT ABOUT NOW?
CA: i dont really knoww
CA: ivve already accepted fef and i arent gettin back together
CA: she forgavve me and that should be enough
CA: its more than wwhat i deservve thats for sure
CG: SO, FEFERI IS OUT OF THE EQUATION. WHAT INCLINATIONS DO YOU HAVE TOWARDS SOLLUX?
CA: black leanin but wwhat does it matter
CA: he hates me beyond redrom and beloww blackrom all in all i dont think he likes me vvery much
CA: no its wworse than that he doesnt givve a shit about me
CA: i jst dont make a difference in his or anyones life kar do i
CG: SHIT. ARE YOU STILL CRYING?
CA: sorry
CG: WHAT ARE YOU APOLOGIZING FOR? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT YOU DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. LIKE HOW YOU ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF ME AND I GET TO SCREAM AT YOU EVERY DAY? THAT'S A DIFFERENCE.
CA: haha youre awwful
CG: FOR REAL. WHO WOULD I GOSSIP WITH IF I DIDN'T HAVE YOU? THINK ABOUT THAT.
CG: BUT LET'S NOT GET SIDETRACKED HERE, OKAY? HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO THEM LATELY?
CA: no not much
CA: and especially not about any of this
CA: i cant
CG: WHY?
CG: RIGHT, YOUR CONFIDENCE.
CG: LET ME THINK. THIS IS A STICKY SITUATION YOU'RE IN, BUT THERE'S ALWAYS A WAY AROUND THESE THINGS. I DON’T THINK SOLLUX IS SEEING ANYONE RIGHT NOW AND MAYBE HE’S NOT *THAT* INDIFFERENT ABOUT YOU? THAT BASTARD IS CAGEY ABOUT THINGS.
CA: you and he are inseparable arent you
CG: ARE YOU SUGGESTING I GET SOME INTEL? BECAUSE I CAN DO THAT. I CAN ASK CASUALLY.
CA: no
CA: kar i can tell youre squeezin your brain tryin to come up ww a solution but its not like you can change peoples hearts so dont bother
CA: airin my grievvances made me feel better already so
CA: thanks for listenin
CG: OKAY, MAYBE I CAN’T FIX YOUR ROMANTIC LIFE (I’M NOT RULING THAT OUT YET), BUT I SURE AS HELL CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT LONELINESS OF YOURS. HOW ABOUT WE HANG OUT TOMORROW?
CG: JUST TWO BROS *NOT* BROODING OVER THEIR UNFULFILLED QUADRANTS OR PLENTIFUL REGRETS?
CA: i honestly dont think im up to it emotionally
CG: GOD, ERIDAN. THAT’S EXACTLY THE POINT. I’M NOT LETTING YOU DWELL IN MISERY IF I CAN HELP IT.
CA: i appreciate it
CA: but you dont havve to force yourself
CG: HOW ABOUT THIS, I’LL TAKE YOU TO STARBOONS SO YOU CAN BUY A MAGNILOQUENT OVERPRICED PIECE OF SHIT DRINK WITH AN UNPRONOUNCEABLE NAME THAT WILL LOOK GORGEOUS IN YOUR COLOR COORDINATED FEED. I'LL EVEN BUY ONE TO MATCH SO THAT YOU CAN KILL TWO TALONSCREECHERS WITH ONE STONE AND BRAG ABOUT YOUR SOCIAL LIFE TO YOUR CLIQUE OF PSEUDO CELEBRITY BOOTLICKERS.
CA: that sounds like an offer i cant refuse
CG: GREAT. SO IT'S DECIDED.
CA: your crush wworks all wweek right
CG: ...
CG: I'M STARTING TO THINK THAT MAYBE YOU WERE ONTO SOMETHING WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE A STUCK UP TAXING CUNNING ASSHOLE.
CA: rude
CA: didnt you wwant to cheer me up thatd cheer me right up
CG: STATE YOUR INTENTIONS CLEARLY AND I’LL CONSIDER IT.
CA: i didnt get a good look at him last time
CG: SO WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU THERE SO THAT YOU CAN TAP THE GLASS OF THE MONKEY CAGE?
CA: let me havve my fun kar i just wwant to see for myself
CA: the monkey that managed to seduce the infamous karkat vvantas
CG: YOU’RE SO INSUFFERABLE THAT I DON’T EVEN HAVE THE ENERGY TO ARGUE ABOUT ME NOT HAVING A FUCKING CRUSH ANYMORE. I WON’T EVEN COMMENT ON THE MONKEY THING.
CA: so are wwe goin or not
CG: I PROMISE UNDER OATH THAT NOT GETTING LAID WILL BE THE LAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS IF YOU EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF HIM. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
CG: I’M 100% GONNA REGRET THIS, BUT MEET ME AT TEN THERE.
CA: wwonderful ill see you then
CA: try not to look too unpresentable
CG: ERIDAN, WAIT.
CA: wwhat noww
CG: WILL YOU BE OKAY?
CA: ivve been wworse dont wworry
CG: DUDE, OF COURSE I’D WORRY IF YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT.
CA: i havve wwork to keep me busy until wwe meet up so ill be fine

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 22:22

Karkat was left with an uneasy feeling; Eridan never refused a hang out, he never played down his emotions or dismissed anyone’s words of concern or attention. Since he lived in a perpetual state of lonesomeness, sometimes it was hard to take him seriously, but Karkat felt like he had failed him as a friend.

He stared at the options on the multiple screens in front of him: "Resume", "Quit game". He sighed, selected the latter and turned off his computer. There went another perfectly wasted night, but he figured he’d need all the sleep he could get to deal with whatever nonsense Eridan, Dave, or even himself would come up with next morning.

Chapter Text

By the time Karkat realized he was half an hour early, his hand was on the knob of the Starboons door. He considered killing some time walking around, but when Dave spotted him and did a non-committal head nod in his direction he thought better of it.

"Yo. It’s you again," Dave called. His tone was as unaffected as always. 

"It’s me again," he nodded back. "What do you mean it’s me again? Asshole," he thought to himself.

"So, what will it be today?"

"Hmmm..." Karkat scanned the menu board. There were so many options that he actually had to crane his neck to get the whole picture. If he was about to misspend money, he might as well try something new. That was the thing, though, he had learned how to order what any—unconceited—guy next door would call a "black coffee", but the rest of the drinks' names remained a mystery. 

"Need some help choosing?" Dave must have noticed his indecision because he chimed in, hands in his pockets for extra cool points. "I see we’re spicing things up today, maybe you’d like to try something different?"

"Sure, why not. What do you recommend?"

"If you want to keep it simple and strong your best bet is an Espresso or a Doppio. If, however, you want to take it down a notch, we have quite the range of drip coffee roasts, like our classic Blonde or Pike Place. They’re a lot subtler, but more nuanced. And finally, if you want to get into milkier—more sugary—territory... That’s an entirely different question, but you don’t strike me as the sweet type, so I won’t harp about it if it’s not your thing," he exposed. "Correct me if I’m wrong."

"Uh," Karkat’s jaw nearly dropped and he definitely scrunched his nose. He had to physically fight back a rude remark. The word "smarty-pants" didn’t do Dave justice, that was a fact.

"—You don’t have a clue about what I’m saying, right?" His voice was unexpectedly full of regret.

"For all intents and purposes, assume I’m a fucking uneducated swine."

"Shit, no. You’re good. I’m just a fucking snob. Let me try again?" 

When Karkat thought he had the blond figured out, he did something to prove him wrong. He had been under the impression that Dave was just one of those stone-cold hipsters that believe they’re better than everyone else because they never show emotion and know their shit about some stupidly specific thing including, but not limited to: Soundcloud bands no one—except literally everyone—knows about, absurdly niche and/or obscure memes, eco-friendly silicone water bottles and random coffee trivia. Now, he definitely gave off that vibe, but surprisingly enough he had an awkward, humble and approachable side to him. One that made Karkat go from "Everything about this dude’s existence annoys me," to "He’s actually a pretty decent guy".

"You may have to pull out your Coffee For Dummies," he snapped out of it.

"I’m gonna give you three options and we can see from there, sounds good?" he offered. "So basically, you have idiot-proof coffees—like the Americano you usually drink—Wait, I’m not calling you an idiot. Sorry. I meant it more like: picture a coffee without fancy add-ons. Boom, you get these. Then there are really, really milky coffees and foamy coffees."

"Tell me more about the idiot-proof types."

"Aight. The strongest is Espresso, which is—plainly speaking—a solo shot made with that machine over there. If you want more shots, you get a Doppio. Drip coffee is just filtered coffee. These are all plain black, but you can knock yourself out and ask for milk, cream or a shit ton of other hella toppings. Not that intimidating now, is it?" he almost smiled.

"Extras are still scary, so I think I’ll go for one of those Doppios...?" Karkat asked more than he affirmed. "Really, Karkat? Still scary?" he mentally berated himself.

"Nice. Less scary coffee coming right up." Dave was seemingly above laughing like a normal person, but he did blow air through his nose in replacement. "To go?" 

"To have here. Thanks." Just as he said this, his phone started pinging repeatedly. He read diagonally, but he gathered that Eridan was in a whiny mood because someone had stepped on his immaculate pearly white boat shoes. Not that the specifics really mattered; everything was an offense to his illustrious person. "I feel like I'll be needing that caffeine rush."

"Having a bad morning?" Dave turned a bit. 

"No, but I’m about to."

"Aw, man, how c—" A call cut Dave off.

"Sorry. Let me just—" Karkat pointed at his phone. "Wh—What the fuck are you whining about, I can’t even understand you. Yeah. I actually got here early, so—What? Yeah, I read that. Who cares about your stupid shoes? I am, in fact, rolling my eyes... No? Are you a fucking moron?  Why do I have to deal with you on the phone on top of—" he realized he was starting to raise his voice and consciously lowered it. "... Just get your ass over here, okay? I’m hanging up."

"Wow," Dave commented. "I don’t mean to go eavesdropping, but that bad, huh?"

"You don’t even know."

"Here’s your Doppio. I hope it’s caffeinated enough."

"I’ll let you know."

Karkat got seated and it wasn’t long before Eridan made one of his memorable oblivious paparazzi snap style entrances, phone in hand for added poise. He had ditched the cape, thank God for that, but everything about him screamed dumb rich with a side of daddy issues (which wasn’t even a thing in troll terms). He had combined a tight fitted soft violet turtleneck with pale yellow pleated pants and a matching blazer (that he had carefully draped over his shoulders to make himself look casual, obviously). His ankles were bare and he was wearing the aforementioned white boat shoes, as well as several golden rings, a golden watch to match and a pair of vintage Gucci sunglasses. In conclusion: an outfit that had been designed with the sole purpose of spitting on everyone else’s disastrous fashion sense, but more specifically Karkat’s.

His flashy facade crumbled when he picked out Karkat from the crowd and threw himself into his arms like they hadn’t seen each other in years.

"Oh, Kar!" 

"God, can’t you greet me like a normal person?"

"What are you on? This is a perfectly normal greetin’," he said as he swapped his sunglasses for his regular glasses. Up close, his eyes were totally swollen.

"You look like shit, man. Did you sleep at all?"

"No, but I did cry a lot. More importantly, do you know what a hair brush is?" he returned sarcastically, ruffling Karkat’s hair just to be annoying. "Hang on, I’ll go get somethin' to drink."

"Suit yourself, asshole."

Eridan approached the counter to find a clearly stupefied Dave. They looked each other up and down with hardly any subtlety for some fatidic moments (in which Karkat was practically clawing his thighs) before Dave spoke.

"Good morning. What can I get you?"

"Mornin’. A Grande Decaf Soy Latte, please. Oh, add a Yuzu Chantilly Cream Cake to that, will you? Kar, want somethin’?" he turned to Karkat and gestured at the cakes. 

Karkat waved him off from his seat, feeling like he was losing years of his life with every second Eridan and Dave were in near proximity. He actually sighed in relief when his friend safely made it back to him.

"What are you so tense for, don’t you trust me? Not even a little bit?" Eridan complained.

"Please, just sit down." 

Eridan did, only he strategically repositioned his chair to have an unobstructed view of Dave. Unfortunately, that involved trapping Karkat between himself and the shop-window.

"He’s so fine, huh? Your crush," he said as he snapped a very staged picture of his order.

"Yeah, thanks, this is absolutely what I wanted to bring you here for." Karkat rotated Eridan’s cup so that the Starboons logo was visible in the picture. "Hipster showdown and everything. Was that you guys recognizing each other’s pedantry? I wouldn’t know because I’m not a snobbish cretin."

"Hah. He looks like an art school dropout with an unhealthy passion for flannel shirts and Converses... But I ain’t judgin’, he wears his brand well. I didn’t know that was your type?"

"He’s not my—You’re obnoxious and there’s no way he hasn’t realized you’re being a total weirdo. Oh my God, what if he thinks I’m weird too?"

"Wha-te-ver. How many times do I have to tell you that if you’re gonna dress up so... borin’, the least you can do is cuff your pants or roll up your sleeves? You’ve got a good body and it’s wasted in that unsightly turtleneck of yours... It’s actually vexin’ to be associated with you."

"I’m sorry, but have you seen your crush? He wears two different colored shoes, for crying out loud."

"I mean, sure. I never said he’s not a lame bastard? Deflectin' the conversation much?"

"You can't turn up dressed like you own everything and expect me not to look like I just woke up, which I did, incidentally." 

"Is that a compliment or a dig?" 

"Take a wild fucking guess! " Karkat threw his hands up. "Since I'm supposed to be cheering you up: you look like a trash bag still, but like, a hot golden trash bag with embedded Swarovski crystals. One only douchebags can afford."

"Aw, you’re just sayin’ that," Eridan laughed (much to Karkat’s ease). "This one thing about your outfit is botherin’ me so much that I—Can I just sorta—?" Eridan reached for Karkat’s collar and thoroughly adjusted it, seizing the opportunity to hold onto him needily. "As a general rule, foldin’ is better than scrunchin’."

"Why don’t you scrunch this one?" Karkat pulled out his middle finger, but Eridan continued rearranging his clothes without a care. "Seriously, stop that."

"Kar, you don’t understand. Ankles and wrists are the way to people’s hearts. I keep tellin’ you, you can’t save your charms for later. For starters, what if there’s no later? You need to play your cards right."

"No. If you roll up my sleeves I’ll get cold."

"No, see here—"

"Dude, let go of my sleeve already."

"Let me see how it looks and then you can roll it back down."

"Shoo."

"Kar, stop fussin’, it’s just a sleeve."

"Fuck the fuck off, man."

"You’re so stubborn it’s almost laughable," said Eridan, who—in his struggle to make Karkat look decent—had almost clung into his lap.

"I SAID FUCK OFF. WILL YOU STOP CLINGING ONTO ME? IT’S FUCKING EMBARRASSING. YOU’RE EMBARRASSING," Karkat actually shouted. He caught a glimpse of Dave’s eyebrows shooting up in the distance and he instantly regretted everything. Eridan’s pout only accentuated the feeling; he looked legitimately hurt. "Alright. Okay. Fine. I’m sorry. Don’t make baby seal eyes at me, you can go on with your stylism outburst.”

"It’s just—" Eridan finally let go of him and placed his glasses on the table to rub his eyes.

"Oh, man. Scene incoming," Karkat thought to himself.

"I feel like no one wants to get close to me. No, listen—Do you think I don’t notice? That I’m so high-maintenance that it’s drainin’ just dealin’ with me? That people don’t text at all if I don’t text first? That my whole personality is fuckin’ off-puttin’? That’s why I said you don’t have to force yourself to support me. You’re not bound to any a this."

"I may give you a lot of shit, but you’re really not that bad. Come here, idiot," Karkat sighed, pulling Eridan into a tight squeeze. Not even five seconds in, Eridan started crying into his shoulder.

"Kar, I—"

"Yeah, I get it. You’re lonely."

"Actually—"

"—And you don’t know how to talk to Sollux because you didn’t precisely part ways on good terms. But if we break down the facts, it makes perfect sense that he’d mistake any potential black feelings he might harbor for you for a legitimate non-flirty murderous rage. After all, it did look like you were trying to interfere in their matespritship—like, come on, you basically shoehorned yourself in there and prayed for no blisters. That’s not how new shoes work, you gotta test them out, wear better socks and have a band-aid in hand in case things get ugly. If I had to guess; I’d say you scared him off with your hot and cold approach; he’s unstable as it is, so you should focus on projecting some stability to compensate. That’s what the game’s gonna be about: compensating."

"K—"

"In any case you should start small, you know? See if you can spark some healthy rivalry now that he’s single. If I’m honest, when you confirmed my hunch that it was him I thought it just couldn’t work. Nuh-uh, bad news. but after some reconsideration… it doesn’t seem that implausible? You could honestly be a good match. And I’m not saying that to keep your hopes up. To stay on that shoe metaphor, your intensity is the flip to the flop that’s his disinterest. When you’re not flipping your shit, you’re practically complementary? Red and blue equals purple, spin the color wheel and you get yellow."

"K-kar, you—you’re asphyxiatin’ me—" Eridan called out.

"Shit, sorry. I’m not pressuring you or anything. Just thought I’d give you some—"

"No, you literally are—your grip... I can’t—breathe," he elaborated with difficulty. As it turned out, Karkat had been so invested in his compatibility analysis that he hadn’t realized his bear hug was truly suffocating Eridan. His face was a deep, deep, shade of purple and he had actual tears in his eyes.  

"Fuck," he unhanded him at once. "Dude, what the fuck?"

"T-that should be my line. You literally have no business bein’ this jacked, you—you filthy muck veined scum," Eridan coughed.

"Sorry about th—" Karkat started, but hastily wrapped it up when he realized everyone at the shop—all of them humans, for a supplement of otherness—was looking at them in horror. Dave, mop in hand, had a neutral expression in his face that somehow conveyed utter and complete disapproval. Wonderful.

"Yeah, no problem, I forgive you. Just don’t hug me ever again if this is what it entails… Eugh. I feel dizzy."

"Eridan."

"Hm?"

"I can’t blame you for this one, so I won’t, but we’re getting the fuck out of here."

"What, why? I didn’t even get to finish my—" Karkat dragged him out of the store before the situation could get any more embarrassing.

Chapter Text

It took Karkat two whole days to decide to show his face at the coffee shop again. He kept telling himself it was because he had had to catch up with his—way due—work assignments and natural sleep cycle, but the honest truth was that ever since his first real conversation with Dave, he’d been actively sabotaging and ridiculizing himself to the point he was pretty much fed up with it.

Dave was wiping down the tables out at the terrace. He was wearing ripped skinny jeans, a red flannel shirt and a pair of classic red Converses to top it off (and prove Eridan right). 

Karkat had a mini mental breakdown deliberating whether he should approach him or not; he didn’t want to corner him at work. Not any more than he usually did, in any case.

“Morning,” he finally murmured.

“Sup, how’s it going?” Dave answered coolly.

“I feel like I should apologize for the other day, so there it goes: sorry for making a scene.”

“All’s good, bro. The culture shock kinda fried my brain, but that was—probably acceptable etiquette for your species, right? Customary, the word I’m looking for is customary etiquette. I swear I’m not bigoted, I think, just sort of—a total ignorant, really. You left in a hurry, so I didn’t get the chance to apologize for outright staring.”

“Sorry? I think I’m not following.”

“Uh, you know. It might be culturally insensitive to say this, but I’m not used to public pseudo-sado-masochistic displays of affection and—”

“Okay, stop right there—What? ”

“Could have totally phrased that better. I meant the hate-quadrant-thing where you choke your boyfriend and he calls you a bitch and everyone's cool with it? Don’t worry, I wasn’t listening in or anything, but he honestly had a face like he owns at least one yacht and says slurs as a hobby. Feels like the type that calls his dad ‘papa’, but ah, his flings? Those are always daddies—Wait, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself here and he’s the daddy. Does the concept of sugar daddies and babies even exist if you don’t have regular dads or babies? How does that work?"

“You’ve got to be kidding me, can this conversation stop being a thing? Specifically a thing that’s happening to me?” Karkat groaned. “I wasn’t choking him. Well, in fairness I guess I was? But that was a fucking accident and is in no way acceptable public behavior... in any quadrant. Ever. God, this is so fucked up I feel like yowling.”

“But then, was that some kind of domination kink or—?”

“Wow, no. Don’t say whatever you’re about to say, please. Just don’t finish that sentence, I’ll pay you actual real money to not assume anything else and let me try to clear up this misunderstanding. First off—I really wasn’t trying to choke him, that was supposed to be a hug, but it went terribly, horribly, wrong.”

“...You don’t really have to explain. I apparently can’t keep my mouth shut to save my life and spat all of these uneducated facts like I’m your average alpaca. Or llama. I could never tell those fuckers apart, but I’m told they spit for dominance and I’m like ‘Well, shit, in that case what’s the fucking difference with those dudes that spit on the floor an unhealthy amount?’. Like, man, maybe you should learn how to keep your saliva in check—” Dave went off on a tangent just to land into another one straight away. “I did tell you I had a bit of a problem with filters, didn’t I? All this shit I’m saying? I don’t even process it, I just throw it out in the open.”

“...”

“Yeah. Awkward silence. Cool. I’ll be tapping my mouth shut in a non-sexual, non-shady metaphorical way, so... please, go on.”

“—Your verbal diarrhoea is running wild today, huh?”

“Wild and naked—Fuck. I can’t control it at all when things get awkward,” Dave confessed bashfully.

“No, no. Things aren’t awkward,” Karkat blatantly lied. “Okay, they are, but this is a pick your struggle sort of deal. You, me, we’re both losing face here. So, yeah... You might think I’m full of shit, but about the other day—” he began. “Wait, is this a bad time? Maybe you have stuff to do and I’m nagging you like you’re not entitled to have your table wiping moment in peace.”

“Nah, man, I can have my table wiping moment while you put me in my place.” Dave raised his head from the table as if he had just realized his choice of words might not have been the best.

“As far as I’m concerned that’s a perfectly reasonable idiomatic expression with no inferable innuendo whatsoever. You’re good.”

“Cool,” he resumed his task. “You were saying…?”

“There’s no sense in beating around the bush. As a general rule we, trolls, don’t go strangling our dates or engaging in casual BDSM in public. It’s just not a thing. Which brings me to my second fucking point, because this is literally stressing me out so much I might either combust or go bald: I honest to God wasn’t choking him. It’s probably my tenth time saying this already, but I hope you understand that I’m not some kind of—whatever you thought I was? I’m just not. I did scream at Eridan because he was getting overbearing as fuck, which I deeply regret and should not have done, but then he was about to cry (which, for the record; wasn’t my doing either) and of course I had to to do something about it. That’s what normal people do, right? Hug other people when they’re crying to show sympathy? Only that I’m apparently so fucking overpowered that I almost destroyed him." He paused to catch his breath. "I’m selling myself poorly here, but as I said, it wasn’t intentional.”

“Sure. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. My bad, totally.”

“Is that it? Did we just straighten that out?”

“Definitely. You’re crazy ripped, not a bad person and your boyfriend was just going through it. Simple stuff.”

“No, no, no. No.”

“No?”

“My mistake, I forgot to clear up the biggest misunderstanding yet: that fucker is not my boyfriend.”

“No?” Dave had the nerve to sound surprised. “Damn, he sure is touchy-feely.”

“More like fucking desperate, but I don’t hold that against him. For the most part, anyway. He’s not a terrible friend. Not to air my pals' business, but ‘going through it’ is an understatement with him, he lives through it.”

“Oh dang, I should have refrained from my judgment earlier.”

“You’re fine, he is kind of a dick, after all.”

“Aren’t we all deep down?”

“Yeah...”

"...Yup."

They entered a vicious cycle of nodding at each other “casually” to make up for the evident lack of conversation. 

“We can keep doing this thing where I clean the same spot compulsively while we nod at each other (like we’re in the ultimate cowboy showdown) or I can break the ice by asking an awkward question, so I’m shooting my shot, duh… you’re not, like, taken?”

“Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I’m not. You?” 

“Nope.”

“Is that so?”

“It is so. Very much so, even. Ahem—I think I’m done with the tables, do you wanna come in?” Dave offered. He held the door open for Karkat and they both walked in. “How about that Doppio last time? You liked it?”

“Sure.”

“Not life changing, then.”

“No disrespect, but I’m not really a coffee person and I can’t tell the differences all that much. So, it’s probably not a reflection on the coffee, but on me.”

“Yo, I hear you, coffee is an acquired taste. Until you get there, it’s a dirt and soap party for your taste buds. Let me get behind the cash register real quick so I can take your order—” he excused himself as he shimmied in. “You just drink it for the caffeine kick, right?”

“Right.”

“But you don’t take sugar. That’s, like, the other big boost tee em.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t particularly enjoy the feeling of vibrating, being hyper and then hitting a low and feeling like utter shit when I should be sleeping. Happened once and I don’t want to risk it.”

“The coffee jitters.”

“Huh?”

“What you’re describing are coffee jitters. That’s probably not the sugar, or not entirely. Smart ass comment sponsored by your local barista, but that’s just your body telling you you’re over caffeinated and should consider calming your tits. And possibly drinking some water. How many cups did you have when that happened, anyway?”

“Uh, multiple?”

“There you go.”

“So coffee can do that to you? Consider my mind blown, my socks positively knocked off,” Karkat mimicked an explosion with his hands and felt stupid almost immediately.

“Absolutely. Spiking your heart rate, turning up your blood pressure, making you a shaky and anxious mess, fooling your stupid brain into believing it’s not fucking wasted… Generally speaking, coffee can and will be a lil bitch to you,” Dave shrugged.

“Shit.”

“Yeah, dude, science or some shit.”

“Remind me why I even drink it? Telling me coffee is basically terrible in every way might not be the publicity stunt you think it is.” Karkat found that teasing Dave came pretty naturally to him. For the first time, Dave actually smirked.

“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Who even said that… Francis Bacon? But you get the drift.”

“That quote explains a lot of things about you, actually.”

“Rude,” Dave clutched his imaginary pearls. “You wanna order or did I scare you off for real?”

“Har, har, no. I want a milky coffee.”

“A Latte is it? Damn heroic. Size?”

“Not Venti?”

“Haha, so Grande? To go?”

“Yeah and yeah. So what’s this one made of? Espresso and milk?”

“Pretty much. It also has a layer of foam.”

The conversation died out as Dave prepared Karkat his coffee, but it was—thankfully—not as awkward as it had been in previous episodes. Karkat still maintained his opinion that Dave was a showy idiot (he seemed to be a magnet for the type because both Eridan and Sollux fit that category as well), but he supposed there was a lot more to him than his snootiness or inability to stop talking. He could actually feel some kind of familiarity growing between them and it was not unwelcome.

“Ah, I missed how you made that,” Karkat observed when Dave handed him the cup. “Thanks. I’ll come sue you if I get any funny symptoms.”

“Come at me, bro—” he sneered. “—Karkat? ” Karkat almost jumped when he heard his name. “Is it okay if I call you that? Since you’re a bit of a regular customer already.”

“Be my guest,” Karkat asserted as he walked away, dismissively waving his hand.

“Oh, shouty. Not actually-angry-shouty, I hope,” Dave called out from the counter.

“I’m cool with it. See you later, Dave.”

If they had been facing each other, they would have caught the increasing rosy tint in the other’s face. Since they weren’t; Dave brought a cold water bottle to his face and Karkat made it back home with a persisting burning sensation in his ears. It was pretty hot for that time of year.

Chapter Text

Karkat's escapades to get coffee continued during the following weeks. They were remarkably uneventful in the sense that he and Dave were stuck in that awkward stage of a relationship where insulting each other playfully came fairly easily, but having actual meaningful conversations? Not so much. The troll supposed that this was to be expected; he got to talk to Dave for an average of ten minutes a day and he wasn't brave enough to even remotely suggest they meet up after work. What plan could he possibly offer a trendy ass barista, anyway? Going for a drink? The man probably had a busy social life and already knew every minimally decent joint in town, anyway.

He stopped on his tracks when he caught himself mentally contemplating strategies to get Dave to give him his number.

"What the fuck am I thinking?" he asked himself as he reached his destination.

The coffee shop was swarming with people, which most likely meant no time for idle conversations with Dave. He was running around doing basically everything that needed doing by himself, no coworkers in sight. Karkat couldn't tell his facial expressions apart very well yet, but the guy seemed pretty stressed out.

"Strider," he greeted as he finally made it to the counter. The blond's shoulders relaxed momentarily when he saw him.

"Oh. Hey, Karkat. Busy day, didn't see you come in."

"I can see that, you look ready to drop."

"If you mean ready to drop dead… gladly," Dave agreed.

"What's going on, anyway?"

"Buy one, get one free, baby," he huffed enduringly. He leaned forward a bit and added: "Now, don't go telling anyone, but the second one ain't actually free."

"Shocking. As if your coffee wasn't already a rip-off on its own."

"You sure come by a lot for someone who hates our coffee so much, bro."

"What can I say? You’d get bored without me—" Karkat shrugged.

"—Oh, definitely. You’re basically the highlight of my day," Dave interjected.

"… Right. Don't let me hold you up, though. Can I get, uh… a Tall Caramel Macchiato to go, please?"

"Yeah, man, aim for that tooth decay," Dave said as he reached for a cup with one hand and a caramel bottle with the other, spinning them both around apparently just to show off. Karkat was about to make a comment about it when he added: "You’ve been practicing how to order, haven’t you? You almost sound like a Starboons fan now."

"Jerk," Karkat snorted.

"What? No, I’m adorable." Dave shifted his attention to the drink he was making. Karkat noticed he was fidgeting a lot more than usual. "Anyhow, since you’re not getting the Dave time you signed up for, how about we—"

"Excuse me? Excuse me, young man, can I have a straw?" a customer interrupted.

"Sure thing, sir. Help yourself," Dave tapped the straw dispenser that was right in front of him.

"Aw, silly me! My sight isn’t what it used to be… If it’s no bother, can I ask for another sugar packet as well, please?"

"Ah, of course. They’re also up for grabs… right here," Dave bended over the counter to show the man where.

"You’ll have to excuse me, this old man is as blind as a mole… Ah, to be young again…" he trailed off as he turned to leave. "Thank you!"

"No problem, have a great day."

"You too, sonny!" He smiled kindly and off he went.

"Now, where were we…?" He turned back to Karkat.

"You were saying something about—"

"Uh, coming through. Sorry, gotta grab some napkins…" A man squeezed past Karkat to get to the self-service station and helped himself to a decidedly unreasonable amount of paper napkins. "You know how it is with kids…"

"Cataclysmic…?" Dave suggested.

"Yeah. Tragic. I’ll be, uh—Yep. Thanks."

"Yeah," Dave nodded as he left. "Your Caramel Macchiato’s ready. Finally."

"Thanks. Looks fancy. Were you trying to say something just now or…?"

"Oh, well, I mean, it was nothing important. I was saying we weren’t getting anywhere, what, with all of these interruptions…"

"No worries, I feel bad for monopolizing you while you work, anyway. I’ll drop by when it’s… not packed in here… Because you want to know what I think about this drink—thing, right?" The troll reckoned this would have been a perfect moment to ask Dave for his phone number, but the insecurity kicked in before he could bring himself to do it.

"Right you are. I was actually about to suggest—" the blond cut himself off, seemingly second guessing himself. If Karkat didn’t know any better, he’d have thought Dave was also mulling over the idea of exchanging contact information. But that couldn’t be it, could it?

"Yes?"

"Um, maybe next time you could pair your drink with a chocolate chip cookie? Yeah, j-just a suggestion… They’re delicious." The blond offered Karkat the most unconvinced thumbs up he’d ever seen.

"… Sure…?"

"Rad. Be seeing ya."

"Good luck surviving the coffee sale apocalypse."

"God, you're ruthless."

"Heh. Bye, Dave."

They waved at each other once Karkat was already on the street. It had become a part of their daily routine, Karkat unconsciously smiled at the thought.

When he got home he turned his computer on and stared at his coffee for some minutes. The caramel layer had almost sunk to the bottom of the cup, but it still looked very pretty. He took a distrustful sip and… it actually didn't taste so bad.

He must have fallen asleep on his keyboard at some point after finishing his drink because when he checked the time it had been hours. He had typed several lines of nonsense into the document he'd been working on and there was a respectable amount of drool pooling between the keys.

"Gross," he commented as he dabbed it with his sleeve.

His phone pinged once. Eridan.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 23:05

CA: howw could you tell him about me
CG: ???
CA: dont play dumb kar
CA: he ignored me evverywwhere after the wwhole fiasco wwith fef wwhy is he suddenly textin me
CG: OH.
CA: dont oh me
CA: wwhat did you tell him exactly
CA: and i mean EXACTLY can you showw me a screen cap in fact
CG: DUDE, COME ON. DON'T GET PARANOID. I DIDN'T EVEN THINK HE'D ACT ON IT, I JUST MENTIONED THAT YOU HAD SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO SETTLE WITH HIM.
CA: oh dear
CA: please tell me you didnt phrase it so ominously
CA: you make it sound like i wwant to fuckin duel him to the death
CG: DON'T YOU? I THOUGHT FIGHTING AND SMOOCHING WAS YOUR KIND OF PREFERRED SHTICK.
CA: wwell yes but thats beside the point
CA: i dont knoww wwhat he expects a me does he wwant an apology or is he actually expectin us to get antagonistic from the get go
CA: my eyes been twwitchin evver since i read his message kar
CA: im NOT okay
CG: CHILL OUT, LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES. WHAT DID HE SAY?
CA: that hes definitely goin to regret this but that he figured hed givve me a chance to say my piece
CG: AND YOUR ANSWER WAS…?
CA: thats the thing
CA: i left him on read
CG: ERIDAN, YOU STUPID WASTE OF SPACE. YOU IDIOTIC ASSCLOWN, IMBECILIC FUCKTWAT, MORONIC BATSHITTING TURDLORD SUPREME!!!
CG: BEAR DOWN EVERYBODY, MISTER *I'M-SO-DESPERATE-FOR-ATTENTION-I'LL-LITERALLY-BEG-ON-MY-KNEES* OFFICIALLY CHANGED HIS NAME TO *BUT-I'LL-PLAY-HARD-TO-GET-IF-YOU-ACTUALLY-GIVE-IT-TO-ME* AND CONTINUES TO GIVE US NOTHING BUT REASONS TO COLLECTIVELY BASH OUR HEADS IN WITH A ROCK TO END OUR SUFFERING.
CA: im not playin hard to get i panicked okay
CA: i saww the notification and i couldnt evven bring myself to open it for ten minutes
CA: wwhich wwas obvviously no good because he snapped at me and called me a cowwardly backstabbin 1/2wiit
CA: said i havvent changed a bit
CG: SHIT. THAT'S… HARSH.
CG: WHY ARE YOU IDIOTS SO FUCKING FAST TO JUMP THE GUN? CAN'T YOU HAVE ONE, *JUST ONE*, CIVILIZED CONVERSATION ONCE IN A WHILE?
CA: wwell wwe didnt evven get to havve one and hes already furious
CG: YEAH, I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU GUYS TO FUCK THINGS UP ASAP. YOU SHOULD TRY TO COME CLEAN ABOUT THIS BEFORE IT GETS OUT OF HAND. BECAUSE GOD KNOWS IT WILL.
CA: yeah right as if i can just say hey sol im terrified of talkin to you after all this time and im currently breathin into a paper bag could you perhaps forgivve me and maybe get in my pants wwhile wwere at it
CA: you see howw ridiculous that sounds right
CA: our last convversation is still in the logs he said he couldnt stand seein my face anymore
CA: that hed rather stab himself repeatedly wwith a blunt object
CA: after the things i did
CA: oh god i feel so stupid
CG: ERIDAN.
CG: DON'T. FREAK. OUT.
CA: i didnt think youd actually talk to him i cant just drop wwhat im feelin on him kar
CA: itll scare him off
CG: LOOK, MAN. I'M SORRY I WENT AHEAD AND MEDDLED WITHOUT ASKING FIRST, I REALLY AM. BUT YOU WERE MOPING AROUND IN REGRET AND I GENUINELY THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP YOU. WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
CA: not this
CG: GENUINE QUESTION: THEN WHAT? HOW ARE YOU GONNA FIX ANYTHING IF YOU DON’T FACE HIM?
CA: no idea
CA: hold that thought
CA: since you already broke the ice
CA: can you relay a message for me
CG: NO WAY. YOU WANT ME TO PLAY MATCHMAKER NOW?
CA: just this once
CA: just wwith this one thing
CA: ill contact him myself wwhen ivve sorted out my feelins i promise
CG: HOW IS ANY OF THIS REAL? AM I A SUPPORTING CHARACTER IN A RENAISSANCE TRAGICOMEDY ABOUT TWO ASSHOLES THAT CLEARLY HATE EACH OTHER ENOUGH THAT THEY COULD BE MAKING OUT RIGHT NOW IF THEY WEREN'T BOTH *STUPIDLY* TRAGIC?
CA: i dont care wwhat you think but please kar
CA: i cant mess this up so soon
CA: please
CG: FINE. I'LL DO IT.
CG: FOR THE RECORD, THIS DOESN’T MEAN I PLAN ON AUSPISTICIZING YOU FUCKERS. CONSIDER THIS A ONE TIME KIND OF FAVOR.
CA: thanks i really owwe you
CA: youre a good friend kar
CG: YEAH. WHATEVER.
CG: WHICH WORDS OF FERVOR SHALT I RELAY TO THE HOLDETH'R OF THY MOST CALIGINOUS AFFECTIONS AND DESIRES; THE BLACKNESS OF THY EYES, THY GRACE? DOTH BID ME AND I'LL BEEST ON MINE OWN M'RRY WAY TO FINDETH THAT GENT, FOR I'M AT EACH MOMENT KEEN ON WITNESSING YOUNG SOULS BLOOM IN RAPTURE.
CA: thats not evven funny
CG: SHUT UP. I'M A RIOT.
CG: COME ON. GET TO IT. TYPE IT OUT. THE CLOCK IS TICKING DOWN TO A CAPTOR FIT™ AND, BELIEVE ME, NONE OF US WANT TO BE THERE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
CA: can you tell him that this is not howw i pictured this happenin
CA: i cant bring myself to talk to him right noww but tell him that ivve
CA: i dont knoww
CA: that ivve changed
CA: and i wwant to set things right but
CG: NO BUTS. I'M NOT ABOUT TO RELAY YOUR DOUBTS, MAN. SKIP TO THE PART WHERE YOU ACTUALLY TRY TO BE HONEST.
CA: yeah okay
CA: then just say that i regret howw i behavved back then and that i just wwant us to be less hostile if possible
CA: i mean
CA: scratch that
CA: wwhat im tryin to say is that im sorry i wwas a tool to him
CA: theres somethin else id like to tell him but first i guess i need to make sure he wwill at least try not to make fun of me for it
CG: IS THAT IT?
CA: do you think that covvers evverythin
CG: MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION IS: I GUESS. WE'RE APPARENTLY ISSUING THESE IN FASCICLES, HUH? BOOKLET NUMBER ONE: THE BARE MINIMUM APOLOGY. BOOKLET NUMBER IT'S A FUCKING MISTERY: MAYBE WE'LL GET AN ACTUAL CONFESSION, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS.
CA: is it that bad
CG: NAH, IT'S A START. I'LL GET BACK TO YOU IF HE DOESN'T GHOST ME IN RETALIATION.
CG: WHICH IS… A POSSIBILITY.
CA: thanks kar
CG: I SWEAR BEING YOUR FRIEND IS A FULL TIME JOB.
CG: THERE IT IS, HE ELOQUENTLY ASKS WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT AND WHETHER YOU HAVE TO BE A PISS GRUB ABOUT IT.
CA: i wwouldnt have to be wweird about this if he wwasnt a manchild wwith extreme mood swwings wwhos knowwn to randomly snap at people
CA: wwhich he did before i could evven explain myself just noww in case he forgot
CG: AHA.
CG: SO THIS IS HOW IT PLAYS OUT: HE INSULTS YOU, YOU INSULT HIM… MEANWHILE I'M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE, GENERALLY WANTING TO DIE. THIS IS DEFINITELY MY IDEA OF A GOOD TIME.
CG: ANYWAY
CG: HE SAYS YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE MEMORY OF A GOLDFISH. WELL, THAT WOULD BE IF YOU WEREN'T A RESENTFUL PIECE OF UNFORGIVING TRASH.
CG: HIS WORDS, NOT MINE.
CA: ha ha derogatory fish joke howw creativve a him
CA: im not evven THAT resentful
CG: HE SAYS YEAH, RIGHT.
CA: wwhy wwould i evven wwant to talk to him if i wwas
CA: tell him to answwer me this honestly
CA: does he wwant to fix things yes or no because im not entertainin this convversation if hes just lookin to stir shit up
CG: HE SAYS THAT SENDING SOMEONE BACK AND FORTH IS SO STUPID HE'S FEELING ACTUAL SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT. WHAT ARE YOU, A FUCKING 0,9230769230769231 SWEEPS OLD HIDING BEHIND HIS LUSUS?
CG: AREN'T YOU ASHAMED THAT KARKAT (HEY, THAT'S ME) IS SUBJECTED TO READ THIS BULLSHIT WITH HIS OWN TWO EYES?
CG: OH. AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, HE ASKS WHAT'S IN IT FOR HIM BECAUSE YOUR PREVIOUS ATTEMPTS AT COMMUNICATION HAVE BEEN *SO* TRAUMATIC HE'S NEEDED TO UNDERGO SPEECH THERAPY. ON YOUR BEHALF.
CG: HE SAYS THAT THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE AT LEAST HIS LISP IS AN ACTUAL CLINICAL DISORDER, UNLIKE YOUR MADE UP ACCENT.
CG: (TALK ABOUT CHILDISH).
CA: see wwhat im dealing wwith here kar
CG: (YEAH. UNFORTUNATELY).
CA: i swwear to god im tryin to be mature about this id appreciate it if he at least pretended to take me seriously
CG: HE SAYS FIINE. I MEAN, FINE. HE ASKS ABOUT YOUR INTENTIONS, BUT LIKE, IN A SUPER FRIENDLY WAY BECAUSE YOU'VE TOTALLY GIVEN HIM A LOT OF REASONS TO TRUST YOU IN THE PAST.
CA: okay im awware i havvent
CA: thats another thing in my list a things to apologize for
CA: i obvviously cant provve im not bein shady but maybe you can back me up here kar
CA: you knoww ivve been tryin to redeem myself better than anyone
CA: are you still there
CA: wwhat are you twwo talkin about
CA: is it about me
CA: are you trash talkin me or
CA: kar
CA: hello
CG: DUDE, IT'S NOT EVEN BEEN FIVE MINUTES. I'M TALKING HIM INTO THIS WHOLE THING AS I RELAY YOUR MESSAGES *AND* TALK WONDERS ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER ARC… SHIT TAKES TIME, CAN YOU *NOT* PRESSURE ME?
CA: sorry it kinda felt like you wwere keepin me in the dark
CG: I DON'T SAY ANYTHING BEHIND YOUR BACK THAT I WOULDN'T SAY RIGHT TO YOUR STUPID FACE. WHICH IS TO SAY: OF COURSE I'M TALKING SHIT ABOUT YOU WITH HIM.
CG: JUST AS MUCH AS I'M TALKING SHIT ABOUT HIM WITH YOU.
CG: NO DICE, THOUGH, HE STILL DOESN’T GET IT. HE ASKS IF THIS IS ONE OF YOUR PISS POOR ATTEMPTS AT GETTING LAID.
CA: shit
CA: i
CG: SINCE YOU'RE TAKING YOUR TIME WITH THIS ONE (I FEEL YOU, BUDDY, TRICKY QUESTION): HE SAYS HE CAN'T BELIEVE HOW LOW YOU CAN SINK. ETC, ETC.
CA: thats not it kar
CA: i wwanted to followw the natural order to get to that part
CA: its not like hes my last resort or anythin im pretty sure i havve legit feelins for him
CG: HM. YEAH, I KNOW.
CG: DAMN, BRO. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO TELL HIM THAT?
CA: wwait dont
CA: tell him its more complicated than that
CG: HE SWEARS HE'S GONNA RIP OUT HIS HORNS IF THIS IS A PLOY TO GET FUCKED.
CA: its not
CA: its not but
CA: in the hypothetic case i wwas lets say interested
CA: hes single right
CA: do you think it wwould be in bad taste to ask
CG: WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TO LOSE TO START WITH, SO IF YOU WANT ME TO ASK, I'LL ASK.
CA: is he saying somethin im gettin anxious already
CG: MORE LIKE WHAT ISN'T HE SAYING. DUDE'S RANTING LIKE THE WORD COUNT'S HOLDING A GUN TO HIS HEAD.
CG: TO SUM IT UP, HE SAYS IT'S GOOD TO KNOW YOU'RE STILL AN INCEL IN DENIAL.
CA: im NOT
CG: OH DAMN, HE SURE'S GETTING WORKED UP OVER THIS.
CG: HAHAHA, HE'S ACTUALLY HILARIOUS. YOU JUST GOTTA SEE THIS ONE FOR YOURSELF.

-- carcinoGenetist [CG] sent caligulasAquarium [CA] the file "SOLLUXTANTRUM.jpeg" --

CA: wwhat the fuck
CA: hes tellin me to shovve his WWHAT up my WWHAT
CG: YEAH, I KINDA WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE THINGS YOU GUYS WANT TO DO TO EACH OTHER.
CA: wwait no howw did he mean that
CG: I DUNNO, MAN. SOUNDS A LOT LIKE REPRESSED BLACK FEELINGS TO ME.
CA: you tell me youre the expert
CA: did he really say all of that unprompted
CG: YEP. COULDN'T MAKE IT UP.
CA: kar wwhat the fuck
CA: thats evvocativve to put it lightly
CG: THAT'S ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE IT. THE OTHER WOULD BE DESPERATELY HORNY.
CA: is he regrettin it yet
CG: NOT YET, BUT HE'S CLOSE.
CG: GETTING THERE...
CG: JACKPOT. HE SAYS HE GOT HOT-HEADED FOR A SECOND THERE, THAT IT WAS LIKE HE WAS HAVING AN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE, BUT THAT HE'S REGAINED HIS MORAL SENSE AND SANITY.
CG: (THAT IS A BLATANT LIE, TAKE IT FROM ME, THE MAN'S HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN RE-READING HIS LONG ASS INSPIRED MANIFESTO. AS I SAID: HILARIOUS).
CA: i kinda get wwhere hes comin from honestly
CG: SO. WHAT'S IN STORE FOR THIS FUCKED UP TELEPHONE GAME? I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE HOW YOU GUYS CHOOSE TO DIG YOUR OWN GRAVES NEXT.
CA: youre havvin wway too much fun wwith this
CA: tell him to forget about flirtin or wwhatevvers goin on here that wwhether i havve a thing for him or not is not wwhats important right noww
CA: this is about settin the record straight
CG: HE SAYS HE'S TOO MORTIFIED TO KEEP GOING RIGHT NOW.
CA: wwhat wwhy
CG: HE SAYS TO STOP BEING A WUSS AND TALK TO HIM DIRECTLY. JUST TYPE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY ON NOTES IF YOU HAVE TO. COPYING AND PASTING SHOULD BE WELL WITHIN YOUR ABILITIES.
CG: (OH SHIT, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF DOING THAT?)
CA: wwhy did he change his mind
CG: HE SAYS HE MIGHT HAVE JUMPED THE GUN (NO SHIT), BUT THAT HE'S WILLING TO HEAR YOU OUT IF YOU'RE NOT PULLING A STUNT.
CA: really
CA: i may need some time to think about it
CA: wwevve already seen wwhat happens wwhen wwe improvvise
CA: is he okay wwith that
CG: HE'S GOT A MASSIVE HEADACHE FROM ALL THIS CLOWNERY AND NEEDS TO LAY DOWN, BUT HE SAYS SURE.
CG: (WHEW, I THINK OUT FRIEND HERE JUST HAD A REVELATION. I FEEL KINDA BAD FOR HIM).
CA: oh
CA: uh
CA: tell him i said get wwell
CG: UNREAL, BRO.
CA: wwhat
CG: THAT'S WHAT HE SAID: UNREAL, BRO.
CG: AND THERE HE GOES, HE LOGGED OUT.
CA: wwhat the hell just happened kar
CG: DON'T ASK ME.
CG: SEEMS LIKE YOU GOT YOUR CHANCE, SO I'D SAY IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION.
CG: SURE IT MADE ME WANT TO THROW MY FURNITURE OUT OF THE WINDOW AND THEN MYSELF, BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN WAY, *WAY*, WORSE.
CA: i cant believve it
CG: I KNOW. I SAVED THE DAY AGAIN LIKE THE VERY COMPETENT FAIRY GODFATHER I AM.
CA: thank you thank you
CG: TRY NOT TO FUCK IT UP, OKAY?
CA: i owwe you one
CA: just ask for anythin youvve earned it
CG: I'M SAVING MY WISHES FOR SOME OTHER TIME. DO KEEP ME UPDATED ON YOUR… PROGRESS, THOUGH.
CA: youre such a meddler kar
CG: SHUT UP. IF YOU CAN POKE YOUR NOSE INTO MY ALLEGED BARISTA SITUATION™, IT'S ONLY FAIR I DO THE SAME.
CA: speakin of wwhich
CA: any newws
CG: NOT REALLY.
CA: youd tell me if somethin happened right
CA: im rootin for you wwere in this together
CG: DON'T LUMP ME TOGETHER WITH YOU, MAN. I'M NOT THAT LAME.
CA: youre right sorry
CA: youre lamer
CG: WHY DO I STAND YOU? WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER WITH ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES?
CA: wwho knowws
CA: ill leavve you to your reflection i havve a profile to keep
CG: OKAY. LATER.
CA: later

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 00:14

Another weird chat with Eridan to add to the ever-growing pile. Karkat couldn’t deny how invested in his friends’ love life he was. Advising them and giving them the little push—sometimes more of a violent shove —they needed made him feel reassured in his scarcity of control. But the truth was that following his own advice was immensely harder; his expertise on romance was, after all, purely theoretical. There was only so much movies could teach him.

Indeed, it was a dent to his pride to admit how out of his depth he was… How hard could it be to get Dave’s number? Karkat would like to think their broship was sailing smoothly, maybe they just needed some more time to get comfortable around each other before taking that step…

No, he’d made enough excuses. He’d have to buck up and tackle the issue directly. Nothing ventured, nothing gained… right ?

Chapter Text

As it turned out, Karkat needn’t have worried: good things come to those who wait. Or rather, it would be more accurate (and unnecessarily long) to say that good things come to those that are buff and capable of casually stopping crimes, thus saving the day and stealing the hearts of the objects of their affection—But let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

The morning was uncomfortably bright when Karkat turned the corner to find out it was another frantic day at Starboons. It had been almost a week since the 2x1 craze had started, but the coffee shop kept the sales going. The troll was seriously considering walking away from the crowd when he caught sight of a suspicious hooded figure casually slipping through it, huddling up closer than was reasonable. Upon a more detailed inspection, Karkat realized it was a tiny, but bulky carapacian who was—beyond the shadow of a doubt—pickpocketing wallets and whatnot from multiple unsuspecting customers.

Now, Karkat might be big, but he wasn’t precisely the neighborhood's reckless vigilante, so he was quite perplexed when he instinctively puffed his chest and in a very calm voice called out:

“Stop right there. Yes, you, the carapacian dumbfuck.”

The carapacian dumbfuck obviously had other plans and made a run for it, charging towards the door with a speed that was ungodly for her body build. 

“I don’t think so,”  the troll said as he attempted to block the way out. The thief somehow managed to skim past him, forcing him to lunge forward and seize her hood by the narrowest of margins. Not happy with it, Karkat spun on his heels and tackled her to the ground, the stolen goods comically dropping off her sweater amidst the expectant silence. 

“Urk—! Y-you’re crushing me,” the carapacian cried out under Karkat, who had basically sat on her to further immobilize her. "This is absolutely disproportionate… you brute, you mountain of a man…!" 

"Yeah, I'm a big guy, shut the fuck up." The troll rolled his eyes, but he did ultimately get off her and even allowed her to sit up a bit. "Somebody better call the police." He looked up to the counter, where Dave was giving him a commending—and perhaps wide-eyed—nod. 

"Yo, what the hell? That sweater can fit more stuff in it than Santa's bag," the blond whistled as he dialed 911. "Merry fucking Christmas."

The police didn't take long to arrive, but the reporting process was so slow that Karkat was told to sit around and wait as accounts of the theft were taken and papers were filled in. Some customers and Starboons staff approached him to let him know how heroic he'd been, the last of whomst was obviously Dave. 

"How's the big hero holding up? You really pulled up some James Bond shit back there, everyone wants to shake hands with you," he nearly laughed. 

"I didn't even do anything, though, just sat on some dude," Karkat shrugged. 

"Your Hollywood hunk rump has starred in some of the store's most remarkable moments, man, don't be modest."

"You're actually right, you pusillanimous clods can't even fathom the true extent of power my rear end possesses. Coincidentally, my back side—being as it is the quintessential cornerstone of fleshly, but otherwise empyrean virtuosity—compels red carpets to rise up to meet it so that I don't have to do the work myself," Karkat contemplated, pretending to take their conversation way more seriously than he did. 

"Back off, Aladdin," Dave snorted. "You don't fall, you do random gravity checks like a true maestro."

"Exactly," he agreed. 

"Anyway, let me get you a drink. My treat for the inconvenience," Dave offered. "For real."

"Oh, you don't really have to—" 

"Come on. I'm actually allowed to do this on behalf of Starboons, take advantage of your hero privileges."

"In that case… What's the most nonsensical sounding thing you have?" 

"Uh, a Snickerdoodle Mocha Frappuccino. Maybe…? It's not even on the menu, we only do it by request." 

"I'll have one then," Karkat decided, but before Dave could say anything he added: "Wait—no, is it too expensive?" 

"Bro, everything we sell is expensive for the ridiculously low price we pay for it," Dave shrugged. "You like cinnamon?" 

"Not sure? So far I haven't disliked any of your recommendations, so I'll trust your judgment on this one too, Mr. Barista," Karkat reckoned. 

"Heh, I never miss." the blond chummily slapped Karkat’s shoulder. "Be right back."

When he disappeared behind the counter, Karkat wondered since when exactly had their relationship escalated to casual physical contact. Not that he minded it, of course. 

"Here, you also get a free cookie for saving the world." Dave finally came back and slid the drink and the cookie in front of Karkat. He was holding another beverage for himself. "Mind if I sit with you?" 

"Go ahead," Karkat nodded, gesturing for Dave to take a seat and trying real hard not to look nervous about it. "Uh, thanks. For the cookie."

"Yeah, no problem."

"What is this whipped cream monstrosity, anyway?" he asked as he inspected his cup. It was a layered coffee, but—unlike the Caramel Macchiato he'd had some days prior—there was a hard distinction between layers. 

"What do you think?" Dave leaned forward with a clear smirk plastered on his face. 

"Are you testing me? Because I'm not applying for your job, dude." 

"Try it."

"Hmmm… As far as I can tell it has a lot of whipped cream, chocolate syrup…? I guess this is a coffee blend with some sort of 'snickerdoodle flavor' (whatever that is) and… even more whipped cream with what you fuckers would call 'a light cinnamon scintilla' or some idiotic fancy-pants word like that," Karkat exposed. "Close?" 

"Pretty close, actually. Wanna hear the official answer?" 

"I really don't, but shoot," Karkat shrugged. 

"It's a classic iced coffee blend with milk and a mixture of toffee nut, cinnamon dolce and caramel syrup to get that cookie vibe. As you said, it's laid over a bed of whipped cream and mocha sauce—not chocolate, and finished off with a second layer of whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon sugar... So no, we wouldn't call it a light chinchilla or whatever the fuck you just said."

"But you did say the coffee is 'laid over a bed of whipped cream', which is just as pretentious." 

"What? Tuck that em ef in, kiss it good night. It sounds cozier like that." 

"No, it fucking doesn't. Also: Frappuccino who? That's clearly a coffee milkshake, you bastards have an abnormal fear of perfectly normal words."

"You've got some strong opinions, huh?" Dave sat back and sipped on his normal looking coffee. 

"Admit it, you're kitschy."

"Sure I am, but you're completely disregarding the fact that there's a far more widespread post-modern ironic take on Kitsch than there's a genuinely gaudy one."

"So Eridan was right, you're an art school dropout," Karkat wondered more than he affirmed. Eridan did have a remarkable ability to read people based on their appearance and demeanor, but Dave remained a big question mark to Karkat. 

"You're really going for the throat, man. So what's your deal? You're like Steve Jobs… if he was on steroids. Wait, no, exactly like that. You seen that picture of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson in a turtleneck? Oh my God, it's literally you." 

"..." Karkat looked down to his chest that was barely contained inside his turtleneck and discovered that he couldn't even refute it. 

"Did I go too hard...?" 

"Nah, but you just about hit the nail on the head… It's kind of a sore spot."

"I did? Oh, fuck, I wasn't—" Dave started. 

"It's fine."

"No, really, I was just talking through my ass. I mean—the idea of The Rock being the logical progression from genius tech guy to Hulk sounded so… absurd. Like, I'm basically taking a wild stab at a piñata, so I'm not sure how I could have possibly hit any nail at all—Fuck, what I'm trying to say is that I don't know how I've offended you, but I'm sorry."

"Hey, you couldn't know that I'm a disgrace of a programmer with poor anger management skills, an exercise addiction issue and way too many turtlenecks."

"Crap."

"And I guess this is what I get for calling you an art school dropout."

"You got that right, though," Dave admitted. "I didn't even last a year."

"Oh."

"Sounds pitiful, I know, but I'm not exactly your average 26 year old socially inept dropout retail worker; I actually chose this."

"You want to work here?" Karkat was actually surprised. 

"Sort of. I enrolled with the idea of eventually becoming a coffee master, but I kinda got stuck on the way."

"Uh… I see. And a coffee master is…"

"Right, Starboons talk. A coffee master is pretty much a black belt barista with leveled up gear and uninterrupted epic battle music in the background. Cool stuff." Once again, Dave's smile almost surfaced, but stopped short before it could even be called one. 

"So you're on a quest to become not a pretentious prick, but the most pretentious prick," Karkat laughed. 

"Hell yeah. Supreme dickhead, that'll be me. How about you, though, you… program stuff, then?" Dave's question had a cautious ring to it, like he wanted to know more, but didn't want to push it. 

"Used to. Not to be dramatic, but I break everything I touch and I'd make the world's crappiest dev, so I made the completely volitional and vocational choice (that's brought me no frustration whatsoever) of becoming a game tester," Karkat confessed. Seeing as Dave only raised an eyebrow, he continued. "It sounds stupid as shit when I say it out loud, but I get stuck on walls on purpose, check if the save button actually saves… blah, blah, report bugs."

"So you're telling me you're a gamer."

"Yes," Karkat momentarily agreed. "Well, no. Not the fun-having sort of gamer, anyway." 

"Oh man, you'd absolutely despise my bro; he programs stuff to be unplayable at best and straight up hell at worst," Dave nodded proudly like he was acknowledging how much of a chaotic evil genius his bro was.

"Not to stray from the point—the point being what the fuck is his deal—, but when you say your 'bro' do you mean that or a carbon copy of your genes brought about either by your common guardian figures or through ectobiological means?"

"Both, I guess? He's a bro and he happens to be my bro," Dave said after a brief consideration. 

"Bizarre."

"But like, tell me this: how does it make any etymological or anthropological sense for you to use the word 'bro' if you're going to arbitrarily detach it from its full form because the concept of biological kin and belonging is inexistent in your culture? 

"It's not inexistent, dumbass. DNA is still a thing and we do share bloodlines and even follow after our ancestors paths if they care to drop hints at us, but what's the point of looking for kinship in the off chance of similar—not even one and the same—genes in your hatching call-up when you’ll never see those fuckers again? Also fuck off, as far as I'm concerned human dudebros are fucking licentious about kin. That dude's a bro, I'm a bro, you're a bro… Hell, everyone is a bro."

"Okay, yeah, but I'm not debating the validity of broship between genetically unrelated bros or even the validity of  broship as a thing in itself, it's the etymology that ruffles my feathers… Won't anyone think about the etymology? It's just—" Dave struggled to find the words and gestured about in an attempt to get his point across wordlessly."—There are no bros without brothers like there aren't memos without memorandums— Buddies, mates, pals, fellow trolls, associates… you name it, but why brothers? Where does that come from?" 

"Bro, it's not that deep," Karkat huffed after considering whether to play along and deciding not to.  As amusing as Strider’s rants were.

"Is it not, Karkat, is it not?" Dave was not about to let it go, it seemed. Karkat had to give it to him, he was committed to his ironic mansplaining bullshit. "How isn't it deep for two dudes from different species to bond over remarkably insignificant cultural differences like true champs? We're knee-deep into it now, you can't leave me hanging, bro…" 

"Oh, but I actually can. Watch me do it, in fact: Your hand is so sweaty you’re slipping away… oh no, it looks like you’re falling aaand... you’re dead. Seriously though, has someone ever told you just how fucking insufferable you are? Just wondering because it truly is a marvel of evolution that you've gotten so far in life without shutting up for a single second of your existence. And that's no little feat: all you speak is utter and complete crap."

"Sorry you can't keep it as real as me, ‘must be hard," Dave answered simply. 

Karkat was about to say whatever popped in his mind to keep the conversation going (which Dave must do all the time) when a pair of officers waved in their direction to let them know that they were finally done with the report. By the time they had packed their stuff and left the store, only a few customers remained and the bustle had come down to a calm hum. It was only at that moment that Karkat thought about his intention of asking Dave for his number… and it was just then that Dave pushed his hair back, licked his lips nervously and took the plunge himself. 

"So, hey. If you want to get all worked up and sweaty about linguistics and coffee lingo or you (understandably) can't get enough Strider finesse… we could always, I dunno—uh… swap numbers?" 

Karkat stared in disbelief as Dave turned beetroot red from neck to ear.  

"The fuck are you on—? No?" Karkat was a tad too quick to answer, feeling the heat of a similarly bright blush setting on his cheeks. "Ah, wait, I mean, you have some nerve talking about finesse, but… why not? I'm up for some academic interspecific intellectual debate… Y-yes."

"I see you're a fellow man of culture." Dave hesitantly pulled out his phone. "... How do we go about this? Chumhandle?" 

"Sorry, chum what?" Karkat tilted his head. "Ah, trolltag. It's, um, Carcino Geneticist."

"A-ha? Car, ci, no, Geneti… cist? Let me send you a quick hey—There, sup. Check it out," Dave mumbled as he typed. 

"Oh. Let me see…" Karkat unlocked his phone to find a certain turntechGodhead in his notifications. He raised an inquiring eyebrow at the username. 

"I was 10 years old, okay? I'm allowed to have a dark past. Besides, what are you, a doctor or something?"

"Dark past, he says," Karkat snorted under his breath. 

"Hey, I heard that. Come the fuck on, I kept it ironically. Ironically. I'm not a prick."

"Sure, Turntech Godhead."

"Nf—I swear to God—" Dave started. 

"Mm-hmm" Karkat hummed in a hardly honest 'tell me more' tone. “That would be you by your own estimation.”

The flustered barista looked at his coworkers and then back at Karkat. He tapped his now empty cup and raised from his chair; it seemed as good a time as any to wrap up. 

"Ahem,” he cleared his throat. “Anyway, you probably have other non-heroic stuff to do and I should get back to work. Will I see you on-line?" 

"Sure thing. Thanks for this," Karkat brought up his half empty Snickerdoodle Mocha Frappuccino. "It's good. The cookie too," he admitted. 

The corner of Dave's mouth curled into an 'I know' sort of almost-smile and he shook his head amusedly as he turned to leave.

Karkat didn't even wait to get home to text Eridan. In a way, he guessed he deserved to share his euphoria. Not that he'd ever use that word or that he intended to be honest about the butterflies in his stomach… Not yet, at least.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 12:34

CG: I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'RE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW, BUT GUESS WHAT?
CA: wwhat
CG: WHY ARE YOU UP AND WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED? 
CG: DON'T YOU EVER SLEEP? 
CA: im not lookin forwward to a reprimand from the likes a you and it aint your fuckin business anywway so you can keep your judgment to yourself for all i care
CA: havvin said that 
CA: wwhat
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT? YOU'RE PISSIER THAN USUAL AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING. 
CA: blinkin hell kar
CA: wwhen you say guess wwhat and the other person answwers wwhat instead a guessin youre supposed to skip the preliminaries because GUESS WWHAT
CA: take your cue
CG: WHAT? 
CA: immediate answwer
CA: most of us dont have psychic powwers and actually wwant to get on wwith our sorry existences 
CG: WHAT I'M GATHERING IS THAT YOU FINALLY TALKED TO SOLLUX AND EVERYTHING WENT TO SHIT. *AGAIN*.
CA: thats nonsense wwhat makes you think that 
CG: LET'S SEE… YOU'RE AWAKE AT SHIT TWAT FUCKING LATE IN THE MORNING AND YOU JUST GOT ALL DEFENSIVE FOR NO FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER. THAT COULD BE TRULY WHATEVER, BUT I BELIEVE THERE'S A MUTUAL ACQUAINTANCE OF OURS WHO'S BEEN ON YOUR MIND AS OF LATE AND WHO HAPPENS TO BE AN INSOMNIAC PSYCHIC WHO AUTOMATICALLY MAKES YOU WANT TO TAKE YOUR FRUSTRATION OUT ON WHOEVER DARES TO CROSS YOUR PATH, WHICH IN THIS CASE TURNED OUT TO BE POOR, POOR ME. 
CG: TELL ME I'M WRONG. 
CA: i cant deny you are not but thats all youre gettin from me 
CG: YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT? 
CA: im just so FUCKIN frustrated
CG: IS THAT A NO? 
CA: wwhy did i evven think this wwould be a good idea it can nevver EVVER wwork betwween us
CA: im not wworth his time and he sure as hell isnt wworth mine
CA: that treacherous mutant minded slime blooded wweasel couldnt tell wwhats good for him evven if it wwas right in front of his freaky disco colored eyes
CA: wwhat does he knoww about kismesissitude wwhat does he knoww about rejection or change to go sputterin absolute bullshit truths about me
CA: he knowws nothin
CA: he should be grateful that i evven havve any regard for him at all wwhen i could be tearin him to shreds wwith my naturally gifted prowwess
CG: AND HERE I THOUGHT LAND DWELLERS AND MUTANTS HAD A PASS IN YOUR OH SO GREAT BOOK OF REDEMPTION, SIR AMPORA. EARNED YOUR ELUSIVE SEAL OF TOLERANCE, EVEN. 
CA: i really dont need you sidin wwith him right noww
CA: OR your sarcasm for that matter
CG: I GET IT, YOU'RE VERY ANGRY AND PRETTY MUCH READY TO GO BACK TO YOUR ADORABLE GENOCIDE APOLOGIST SLASH ENTHUSIAST BULLSHIT. AND I'M JUST SAYING YOU MIGHT WANT TO WATCH YOUR WORDS WITH ME OR GET OFF MY BULGE, YOU HISTRIONIC VOMIT STIRRING MACHINE.
CA: this isnt about your blood kar you knoww i dont givve a flyin rats ass about that
CG: BUT I DO. YOU SAY YOU'VE CHANGED, ERIDAN… AND I WANT TO TAKE YOUR WORD ON IT, BUT WHEN YOU GET PISSED YOU DEFAULT TO BEING A COMPLETE BITTER ASS STINKING SHITHOLE AND LET ME TELL YOU: IT'S NOT COOL.
CA: honestly fuck off i dont deservve this and especially not from YOU 
CA: arent you supposed to havve my back 
CA: ivve done EVVERYTHIN in my hands to earn your trust and you choose to repay me by givvin me the cold shoulder wwhen i need you most
CG: COME ON, MAN. DON'T GET YOUR PRETTY MELODRAMATIC HEAD UP YOUR PETTY ROYAL FECE CONDUCT. YOU WERE DOING SO WELL UP UNTIL NOW AND YOU'RE GOING TO YEET THAT INTO THE FUCKING SUN, ALL FOR WHAT, SOLLUX BEING A STUBBORN CATASTROPHIZER PIECE OF NOOKSUCKING SHIT? BECAUSE IT'S NOT EASY TO GET THROUGH HIS EIGHTH WONDER BRAIN, WHICH YOU ALREADY KNEW FROM THE START? 
CG: YOU NEED TO PULL IN YOUR HORNS AND SPEND LESS TIME RAGING ABOUT HOW NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU AND MORE TIME PROVING *YOURSELF* THAT YOU HAVE CHANGED. AND NOT BECAUSE YOU OWE IT TO ANYONE (WHICH I THINK WE BOTH KNOW YOU BELIEVE YOU DO), BUT BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING CRUSHED UNDER A PILE OF REGRETS AND YOU HATE YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER HATE ANYONE ELSE. 
CG: BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, MOTHERFUCKER. SO DON'T GIVE ME THAT HOLIER THAN THOU CRAP BECAUSE I'M NOT BUYING IT.
CG: WHAT, NOW YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING TO SAY?
CA: no youre right im sorry
CA: its just 
CA: its a lot
CA: wwhat does punishin myself accomplish wwhen evverythin i do i do for vvalidation and i hardly get any
CA: i dont evven understand howw im goin so wwrong that evveryone simultaneously decided im not wworth the trouble
CA: its simplistic but if evveryone but me gets second chances wwhy evven bother betterin myself ya feel 
CA: no matter wwhat i do its nevver enough
CA: sayin howw i feel gets me nothin and sayin the opposite makes me a jackass
CA: no one is gonna believve my intentions are anythin other than performativve fuckin desperate or straight up malicious anywways
CG: MORON, SIT DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A MOMENT AND GET FUCKING SCHOOLED: IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT'LL EARN YOU A PAT ON THE HEAD OR A KICK TO YOUR IMPERIOUS FANNY, BUT ABOUT WHAT *FEELS* RIGHT!!! THERE'S NO NEED FOR ALL THAT PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE. YOU HATE THE DUDE AND SAID DUDE APPARENTLY HATES YOU BACK ENOUGH *NOT* TO KILL YOU OR CUT YOU OUT FROM HIS LIFE. YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO PLAY UP BEING AN ASSDICK FOR CALIGINOUS DECENCY'S SAKE BECAUSE YOU ALREADY ARE ONE WITHOUT TRYING. SO WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM EXACTLY?
CA: thats an ovversimplification of quadrant dynamics kar and you of all people should knoww its not so simple
CG: STFU, I’M NOT DONE. SINCE WE'RE AT IT: YOU SHOULD REALLY STOP WHINING ABOUT SECOND CHANCES. IF I RECALL CORRECTLY (AND THAT’S JUST A PLEASANTRY BECAUSE MY MEMORY IS FUCKING SPOTLESS), FEFERI GAVE YOU ONE, KANAYA GAVE YOU ONE AND I'M STILL HERE ALTHOUGH YOU'VE REPEATEDLY (SELF-ADMITTEDLY) USED US TO INDULGE YOUR EVERY WHIM. IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE YOUR HEAD BELOW THE FUCKING GROUND LIKE A GRUMPY ASS DWARF MINER, YOU’D REALIZE EVEN SOLLUX IS WAITING FOR YOU. BUT YOU’RE TOO COMFORTABLE IN YOUR EGOTISM AND DESPAIR TO SEE IT, AREN’T YOU?
CG: HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU AREN’T SETTING A TRAP TO SCORE WHOEVER STUMBLES INTO IT FIRST WHEN ALL THAT REACHES HIM IS YOU SAYING HOW MUCH YOU “DON’T” WANT HIS RIVALRY AND HOW MUCH HE DOESN’T DESERVE TO BE BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS YOU? WHEN YOU FLIRT WITH ANYTHING THAT MOVES, BUT DON'T PLAN ON PUTTING THE EMOTIONAL EFFORT OR AFFECTIVE RESPONSIBILITY INTO ANY SOLICITATION? THE ALL MIGHTY SEA DWELLER GIMMICK MIGHT WORK FOR A WHILE, BUT IN THE LONG RUN A CALIGINOUS RELATIONSHIP CAN’T ADVANCE WITHOUT SOME VULNERABILITY AND YOU’RE JUST NOT WILLING TO LET THE ANTAGONISM PUSH YOU TO BE BETTER.
CG: YOU DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE? NEWSBREAK, ERIDAN, IT’S NOT ENOUGH!!! YOU’RE JUST ABOUT AS PATHETIC AS YOU MAKE YOURSELF TO BE AND IT SERVES YOU RIGHT IF SOLLUX SHARES THAT IMPRESSION. HIS TRUST IS NOT GONNA FALL DEAD OUT OF THE SKY, GOD KNOWS IT’S TAKEN ME LONG ENOUGH TO EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND YOU.
CA: youre correct as alwways
CG: DAMN RIGHT I AM. 
CA: i really am an incompetent good for nothin asshole wwho doesnt deservve anythin and especially nothin nice
CG: I SWEAR TO JESUS I'M GONNA PAY YOU A LITTLE VISIT, VOMIT ALL OVER YOUR CARPET AND STRANGLE YOU TO DEATH WHILE I'M AT IT. WE'VE MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR THAT I'M MORE THAN CAPABLE OF DOING IT. 
CA: disgustin but i get wwhat youre sayin
CA: i need to do better 
CA: hes right to be suspicious about me isnt he ivve consistently been a tool to him after all
CA: not that he isnt an infuriatin drama queen because he IS
CG: MATCH MADE IN HELL, IF I SAY SO MYSELF. YOU NERDS ARE ANNOYING AS FUCK. 
CA: heh if thats the one thing in common wwe havve ill take it
CA: i guess its true that ivve been expectin more than ivve givven and generally came on too strong
CA: ivve just been SO lonely kar and i nevver wwant to feel like that again
CG: I KNOW.
CA: for all the shit i talk about sol i do respect him
CA: maybe i failed to get that across wwith my neggin 
CA: then again its easier to hide my insecurities behind shalloww name callin than openin up
CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL HIM ALL OF THIS. 
CA: and givve him evven more ammunition against me 
CA: i dont think thats vvery wwise
CG: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT YOUR STRATEGY POPPYCOCK? 
CA: hard to keep track of evverythin you advvise me to do
CA: or more to the point 
CA: not to do
CG: HOW HAS OVERCOMPLICATING THINGS WORKED FOR YOU SO FAR? THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING.
CA: you make a vvalid point
CA: maybe ill tell him straight
CA: wworst case scenario he dumps me before i get the chance to make a movve
CA: best case scenario he dumps me AFTER the fact and at least i wwont regret not havvin had the guts to confess
CG: BECAUSE YOUR DEFECTIVE AGGRAVATION RAISIN UP YOUR THINK PAN CAN'T EVEN WRAP ITSELF AROUND THE *POSSIBILITY* OF HIM RECIPROCATING, OF COURSE.
CA: lets face reality kar our history isnt particularly romantic
CG: YOU'RE EXHAUSTING, MAN. 
CA: wwhich doesnt mean im givvin up 
CA: actually im feelin bold maybe ill just go and say it right noww
CG: YOU CAN'T SEE IT, BUT I'M ENCOURAGINGLY PRODDING YOU IN THE BACK LIKE A FUCKING MOTIVATIONAL COACH. GOT MY WHISTLE AND MY SHORT SHORTS AND EVERYTHING.
CG: DON'T BE A DICK AND YOU'LL BE FINE.
CG: PROBABLY. 
CA: hey
CA: thanks kar
CA: for your patience and for evverythin you do for me
CA: i wwasnt thinkin straight and said some things i shouldnt havve
CA: are wwe still good
CG: YOU'RE LUCKY I'M IN A GOOD MOOD BECAUSE OTHERWISE I'D HAVE LET YOU HAVE IT WITH YOUR ELITIST CRAP.
CG: YES, WE'RE STILL GOOD, DIPSHIT. 
CA: i knoww its not right but it REALLY riles him up wwhen i flaunt my blood 
CG: NO SHIT. WE GET IT, YOU'RE HIGHER THAN US AND WE SHOULD BE BOWING BEFORE YOU, ETC. 
CA: is it fucked up that id rather draww negativve attention to myself than be forgotten
CG: "THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN BEING TALKED ABOUT IS NOT BEING TALKED ABOUT."
CA: yeah that
CG: I SWEAR YOU FUCKING HIPSTERS SHARE ONE BRAIN CELL AND IT'S DUMB AS SHIT AND STARVING FOR ATTENTION.
CG: IN ANY CASE YOU'RE *DEFINITELY* NOT EASILY OVERLOOKED. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE, YOU'RE LIKE A ZIT ON THE BUTT: ANYTHING BUT FORGETTABLE. 
CA: eww youre dreadful
CA: wwhat wwere you gonna say before i flipped my shit 
CA: i feel like i accidentally stole the spotlight 
CG: OH, YOU KNOW. NOTHING ALL THAT IMPORTANT. I WAS JUST GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY DAY. NOTHING REMARKABLE AS I'M SAYING, IN FACT I STOPPED A ROBBERY IN AN ACT OF UNPARALLELED HEROISM AND GOT DAVE'S NUMBER… BUT IT'S REALLY NOTHING TO CALL HOME ABOUT. 
CA: get STUFFED are you serious
CG: DEAD SERIOUS.
CA: wwhat are you wwaitin for tell me evverythin
CA: spare no details
CG: SO I'M STARING BLANKLY AHEAD, JUST MAKING MY WAY THROUGH THE CROWD WHEN I NOTICE THIS JERKSHIT CARAPACIAN BROAD GOING TO TOWN ON SOME POOR BASTARDS WALLETS AND I'M LIKE "NOT ON MY WATCH". I EVEN SAID SOME COOL SHIT, BUT I FORGET WHAT EXACTLY. ANYWAY, SHE THEN HAS THE AUDACITY OF TRYING (KEYWORD HERE) TO OUTRUN ME, WHICH EARNS HER MY DEADLY VANTAS TACKLE™ (AND POSSIBLY SOME BROKEN RIBS) AND BEFORE SHE KNOWS IT THE WALLETS ARE RAINING DOWN STRAIGHT OUT OF HER HOODIE AND SHE'S SITTING ALL COMPLIANT UNDER MY ASS. 
CA: wwoww
CG: THIS IS OBVIOUSLY SO EPIC THAT THE WHOLE STORE GOES SILENT AND I GET TO SAY MY "SOMEBODY BETTER CALL THE POLICE" LINE, WHICH DAVE DOES AND THEN WE WAIT AROUND UNTIL THEY GET THERE TO TAKE THE REPORT. THIS PART IS MOSTLY BORING AS FUCK, BUT THEN DAVE COMES UP TO ME AND TREATS ME TO THIS DRINK THAT BASICALLY SCREAMS ARTERY BLOCKAGE. OH, AND A COOKIE. SO YEAH, I LITERALLY GOT A COOKIE FOR MY TROUBLE AND IT WAS GLORIOUS.
CA: impressivve
CA: and thats wwhen you asked for his phone 
CG: ACTUALLY, HE DID BEFORE I GOT THE CHANCE. 
CA: wwhich means you wwere plannin on doin it yourself regardless 
CA: and you kept it quiet all this time you RASCAL 
CG: WELL, I'M TELLING YOU NOW, AREN'T I? 
CG: HE'S AN ACTUAL ART SCHOOL DROPOUT, BY THE WAY. 
CA: is he noww 
CG: HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOW THAT? LUCKY GUESS? 
CA: i just knoww the type 
CA: so thats it then you scored him
CG: NOT SO FAST. NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT SCORING ANYONE, WE'RE JUST BROS IN PROGRESS.
CA: bros in progress huh
CA: should i pull out my air quotes
CG: ERIDAN. 
CA: okay aight ill drop it
CA: im happy for you
CG: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO ANSWER TO THAT. THANKS?
CA: so you wwere actually gonna text me
CA: as in somethin good happened and you thought a sharin it wwith me of your owwn accord
CG: AS COMRADES IN GOSSIP I OWE YOU THE FULL REPORT, I GUESS. 
CA: im deeply movved seriously 
CG: IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET CHEESY BECAUSE I TOLD YOU A THING… DON'T. PLEASE.
CA: you might not like hearin it but if ivve gotten somewwhere after gettin rejected thrice its in no small measure thanks to you and im more grateful for havvin you than im able to express 
CA: it must sound insincere if i say i wwish that i could givve back at least half of wwhat youvve givven me but the sentiment is true
CG: OH, LOOK WHO'S GETTING CHEESY LIKE I TOLD HIM *NOT* TO DO *NOT* EVEN HALF A SECOND AGO, ISN'T IT AMAZING TO HAVE FRIENDS!!! IT'S LIKE THE MORE UNBEARABLE I THINK YOU CAN'T GET THE MORE UNBEARABLE YOU BECOME. I'M PUKING RAINBOWS AND THEY'RE MADE OF SUNSHINE AND LITTLE GNOMES RIDING TINY HOOFBEASTS… BECAUSE THAT'S HOW FUCKING SUGARY I'M FEELING!!! 
CA: youre terrible at takin legit compliments 
CA: wwhich doesnt mean i plan on stoppin any time soon
CG: WHY DON'T YOU GO USE THAT MUSHINESS SOMEWHERE ELSE. I'M SURE SOLLUX IS DYING TO GET SOME. 
CA: i just might 
CG: WELL SAID. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE, BEING A HERO IS DRAINING ENOUGH AS IT IS. 
CA: im sure
CA: wwhats more it makes you look big and strong and generally respectable in the eyes of your crush
CA: so go get it tiger
CA: make him fall head ovver heels in lovve wwith you

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 13:40

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 13:40

CG: JHAKSHSAKEIWBJANKJSAKNDJIINWB
CG: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
CG: HHHHHHH
CA: take your time
CG: LISTEN HERE, ASSHOLE.
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? NO, I’M NOT DOING THIS.
CG: YOU CAN’T INFER I’M SWOONING OVER SOME DUDE JUST BECAUSE I’M TALKING TO HIM REGULARLY.
CA: the signs of a flushed crush are all there wwhether you choose to acknowwledge them or not
CA: think about it

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:41

Karkat hated that Eridan was right on the money. He wasn’t just talking to Dave “regularly” as he had so convincingly stated. No, he was actively seeking him out and feeling all giddy about it, to add insult to injury. 

Like the heroine in a coming of age movie, he recalled the feeling of Dave’s hand casually landing on his shoulder, the sight of his flushed cheeks and skittish hands and—even more strongly—how his minimal expressions had shifted to something softer as they chatted… Indeed, it seemed impossible to rationalize how those things made his heart flutter.

A flushed crush, huh? It might very well be.

Chapter Text

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 00:20

TG: sup CG
TG: anybody there
CG: OH, IF IT ISN'T TURNTECH GODHEAD HIMSELF.
TG: bro thats so a few hours ago im done feeling ashamed about it
TG: in this chat we die like men
TG: consumed by hubris but never by shame
CG: WHAT A SAD EXISTENCE YOU LEAD, STRIDER. YOU TRULY DO NOT DISAPPOINT.
TG: hold your horses shouty
TG: are you holding down the shift key or are you just happy to see me
CG: YOU PUNY HUMAN COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND THE UNRESTRAINED BEAUTY OF AN UPPERCASE QUIRK.
TG: ok boomer
CG: EXCUSE ME? I SPEAK LOUD AND CLEAR. BESIDES, I WON’T BE HEARING THAT FROM A DUDE WHO’S ALL ABOUT LOWERCASE AND NO FUCKING PUNCTUATION.
CG: NO, REALLY, I SHOULD HAVE GUESSED. YOU COOL KIDS ARE *SOOOO* COOL THAT YOU CAN’T BE BOTHERED WITH A FEW SIMPLE KEYS TO SPARE OTHERS THE LIVING HELL OF TRYING TO DECIPHER YOUR BABBLING, CAN YOU? NO, IT'S SIMPLY TOO MUCH EFFORT.
TG: no no you got me wrong the lowercase is supposed to represent my flow when i speak
TG: see its not lazy ive just got my chill on
CG: AS I SAID, 2 COOL 4 SCHOOL.
TG: duh thats a given
TG: so whats cooking
CG: NOTHING MUCH, I JUST WOKE UP FROM A WELL DESERVED NAP AFTER TODAY'S GOOD DEED.
TG: no joke my coworkers were still talking about it when i clocked out
CG: WHAT? FOR REAL? NOT THAT I WASN’T ABSOLUTELY LEGENDARY, BUT…
TG: bruh it was literally the most interesting thing thats happened to us in the past two weeks
TG: we were like in serious need of a hero
TG: holding out for a hero til the end of the shift
TG: and he had to be strong and he had to be fast
TG: but most of all he had to be fresh from the fight
CG: IS THAT A FUCKING SHREK 2 REFERENCE?
TG: maybe???
TG: the point is that youre basically a celebrity now
TG: bitches be considering putting up a wall of fame just for your ass
TG: its us were bitches
CG: OH, WOW, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT? IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR ME TO FIND ANOTHER COFFEE SHOP.
TG: hey hey
TG: real starboons fans swear loyalty to their go-to store
TG: its a lifetime sort of deal you cant just stop giving us your money man
CG: I DON’T REMEMBER EVER SIGNING A CONTRACT, ASSHAT.
CG: OR SHOWING ANY INTEREST IN BECOMING A "REAL" COFFEE FAN, FOR THAT MATTER.
TG: youre bound to us im sorry i dont make the rules
CG: IT'S OKAY. YOU CAN JUST SAY YOU’D BE MISERABLE WITHOUT ME.
TG: more like motherfucking inconsolable
TG: im already weeping just thinking about your absence
TG: so be a bro and continue throwing money at my face in exchange for goods okay
TG: if not for me do it for the welfare of the working class (also me)
CG: I'M PRESENTED WITH CHOICES, SO MANY CHOICES.
TG: precisely
TG: its free real estate
CG: NOT TO DODGE THE BULLET ON THIS *SURELY* THRILLING ECONOMICS RANT YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET INTO, DAVE… BUT I SHOULD GO GET SOME WORK DONE.
TG: dont let me hold you up man
TG: there will be plenty of time to discuss the financial system
TG: after all its the economy, stupid
CG: YOUR IDIOCY KNOWS NO LIMITS, DOES IT?
TG: no valley too deep no mountain too high bro
CG: …
CG: LORD, GIVE ME PATIENCE, BECAUSE IF YOU GIVE ME STRENGTH I’M SMACKING A FUCKASS IN THE FACE.
TG: not in the face please
TG: its like my best feature
CG: WHICH IS WHY YOU COVER 50% OF IT WITH YOUR MIRROR SHADES.
TG: dude is it me or are you getting bolder with your burns
TG: maybe its the all caps
TG: fyi i wear aviators because im about to fly a stall turn on your sorry ass
TG: it will be an aerobatic backflip off the fucking handle so epic that the phallic shape of its trail will be visible all the way up from space
CG: YEAH, THAT'S ALL VERY FUNNY, ESPECIALLY THE DICK PART (WHICH WE ALL KNOW IS NEVER OUT OF VOGUE. IN ANY CULTURE. EVER), BUT… I SHOULD *REALLY* GO.
TG: whats that is it a bird is it a giant dong
TG: no its a metaphor for how hard im gonna own you
TG: if you didnt get it
CG: NO, I DID. THE THING IS THAT I'VE GOT PLACES TO BE.
TG: you better start holing up inside your turtleneck because im coming for your dubious fashion choices like a sexier plane version of thomas the train engine
CG: UHHHH… WHAT?
TG: dude that shit was wack wtf am i even saying
TG: i made it sound like tommy mcchoogachooga here is some hot shit but i guess hes as sexy as anthropomorphised fictional trains get
TG: wait no thats gay the train ladys gotta be hotter right
TG: the one with the lashes and the valve tits you know the one
CG: DAVE.
TG: actually i just remembered theres a plane in that series
TG: dudes named harold or some shit and he has the dumbest face ive ever seen
CG: DAVE.
CG: HELLO???
TG: so yeah i stand by my original point id make a sexier humanoid plane
TG: id go as far as saying the sexiest
CG: YOU'RE NOT EVEN READING ME, ARE YOU?
TG: everyone would go oh its dave the sexy jet aircraft
TG: look at him go with his ben stiller shades (which are authentic btw)
TG: speaking of whom
TG: stiller
TG: what do you think his vehiclesona would be in the railwayverse because i think its of vital importance we sort this out rn
CG: I'M SORRY, BUT I JUST… YEAH, I'M JUST GONNA GO.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 00:59

TG: im thinking
TG: i was going to say high-speed train for a moment but theres no way
TG: fuck it hed be a golf cart
TG: the token golf cart in the train cartoon yes because that totally makes sense
TG: sometimes you gotta listen to your heart and mine is telling me hed definitely be a comedic genius goofy golf cart
TG: hey karkat are you still there
TG: did you actually leave me sputtering wild railwaysona theories into the void
TG: is this a thing that just happened
TG: i feel like it might be a thing that just happened
TG: thats plain out cold yo
TG: im tempted to leave you a 10k manifesto on the subject for your personal enjoyment im sure youll love it once its been fully marinated in its juicy juicy train juice
TG: im not gonna do it but if i did id be pulling mad facts and headcanons straight out of my ass like the unhinged dentist from little shop of horrors pulls teeth
TG: well id be the proctologist version of the fucker just cause
TG: why not make it a crossover with the plane thing how superbly disturbing would that be
TG: does that paint a vivid picture in your mind karkat because im kinda weirding myself out here
TG: something about the implication that id be pulling god knows what out of my own ass while being a powered flying vehicle
TG: it honestly sounds like a pornhub nightmare
TG: not that ive seen anything of the like but
TG: the expression get railed sure acquires a whole ass new dimension in this particular storyline lol
TG: i know im supposed to be a plane but eh
TG: is this getting too derivative
TG: i think we might not be emotionally prepared to get all spicy about planes and asses so ill let you off the hook for now
TG: yeah
TG: peace out

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 01:25

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 06:00

TG: oh my god that might be the most rubbish ive ever said on a first conversation
TG: im so sorry i was absolutely out of it
TG: you ever text someone when your brain is begging you to sleep? because thats literally what i did last night
TG: anyway catch you at the store later if you havent requested a restraining order yet

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 06:03

Two coffees later…

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 02:00

TG: hey karkat whats your opinion on furbies
CG: … WHY DO YOU ASK?
TG: no reason to be suspicious
CG: I THINK YOU'VE GIVEN ME REASONABLE CAUSE TO BE DISTRUSTFUL OF YOUR LATE NIGHT QUESTIONS.
TG: its just an icebreaker my man
TG: i could have asked hey karkat what do you think about pineapple on pizza
TG: or hey karkat if you had to pick only one will smith movie which one would it be
TG: it could have been literally anything
CG: I THINK FURBIES ARE THE PERFECT MIX OF CREEPY AND NOSTALGIC, I SURPRISINGLY MADE MY PEACE WITH PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA A LONG TIME AGO AND I'D UNDOUBTEDLY PICK "I, ROBOT", IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO KNOW.
CG: BUT ASKING ABOUT FURBIES FIRST THING IN A CASUAL CONVERSATION IS… HOW DO I SAY THIS? SETTING IT UP TO GET REAL DARK REAL FAST.
TG: truth is i passed by an antique toy store window on the way back home and it must have been ten pairs of dead acrylic eyes staring right into my soul
TG: i got goosebumps before i even saw saw them ya feel
CG: AND THAT'S *EXACTLY* WHAT I MEAN BY GETTING REAL DARK REAL FAST.
CG: CAN'T WAIT TO READ WHATEVER FUCKED UP SHIT YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT FURBIES. REALLY, MY OPINION DOESN’T MATTER AS LONG AS I GET MY FIX ON YOURS. SO BY ALL MEANS, TELL ME WHAT THOSE EYES DID TO YOUR BATTERED PSYCHE, DAVE.
TG: funny that you ask because
TG: tmi
CG: HONESTLY, IF IT ISN'T TOO MUCH INFORMATION I DON'T EVEN WANT IT.
TG: good because oversharing is my middle name
CG: AND LONG-SUFFERING IS MINE.
CG: GO ON.
TG: so those furbies i saw unlocked this memory of 9 year old me being terrorized by a customized furby army that dirk and roxy skinned and reprogrammed so that it would chant creepy stuff
TG: get this
TG: in absolute synchrony
CG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
TG: yeah
TG: thats not even the worst part of it
TG: rose topped the lil bastards off with (purposefully) poorly sewn severed barbie parts and bogus religious imagery
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL…?
TG: all of this apparently just to make a point of how normal and healthy our childhood and i guess us as individuals were
TG: dont get me wrong i love my siblings but it got me thinking it really is a wonder we all turned out to be mentally sound adults with decent moral codes and normal socialization skills
CG: (DEFINE DECENT AND NORMAL)
CG: BUT WOW.
CG: JUST WOW, THAT REALLY TELLS ME SOME THINGS ABOUT YOU. SOME *PRETTY DISTURBING* THINGS ALRIGHT, BUT THINGS NEVERTHELESS.
CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO ENABLE YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA, DAVE? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME?
CG: BECAUSE IF YOU'RE TERRIFIED OF FURBIES AND SCARRED FOR LIFE AFTER *THAT*, IT'S REALLY OKAY.
TG: nah thats like the tamest type of strilonde household shenanigans
TG: its our own brand of fake antagonism you wouldnt understand
CG: IF YOU SAY SO.
TG: so you think furbies are the perfect mix of creepy and nostalgic
TG: explain
CG: THEY JUST ARE?
CG: I GUESS THE END OF AN ERA ALWAYS SHEDS LIGHT ON HOW WEIRD THE PAST ONE'S BEEN, IF NOTHING ELSE, BY CONTRAST.
CG: HONESTLY, I WOULD GO AS FAR AS SAYING THAT NOSTALGIA IS SORT OF REALLY FUCKING CREEPY BY DEFINITION, BEING AS IT IS (LOOSELY SPEAKING) AN IRRATIONAL NEED TO GET SOMETHING YOU CONSIDER TO BE LOST TO TIME BACK.
CG: NO, NOT LOST TO TIME. NOT EXACTLY.
CG: I'M BUILDING A THEORY AS WE GO, BUT IT'S THE REALIZATION THAT THE THINGS YOU BELIEVE TO BE TIMELESS… AREN'T. BECAUSE NOTHING IS.
TG: i see
TG: its about the passage of time you reckon
CG: MAYBE NOT THE PASSAGE, BUT THE PERCEPTION OF IT.
CG: AM I MAKING SENSE?
TG: a lot of sense actually
TF: the variable isnt the passage of time but the test of it in itself right
TG: the idea of things either outliving you or losing meaning
CG: THAT'S IT.
TG: youre onto something here dont let me cut you off
CG: NO, IT'S BASICALLY WHAT YOU NARROWED IT DOWN TO: THE TEST OF TIME.
CG: YOUTH TRINKETS AUTOMATICALLY BECOME CREEPY WHEN THE VALUES OF SOCIETY HAVE CHANGED TO ACCOMMODATE THE NEWEST GENERATIONS, BUT THEY NEVER STOP HOLDING MEANING TO THOSE THAT GREW UP WITH THEM.
CG: THAT'S WHY I THINK FURBIES ARE THE PERFECT MIX OF CREEPINESS AND NOSTALGIA. THE TWO CONCEPTS ARE INSEPARABLE WHEN LINKED TO MEMORABILIA.
TG: fuck bro how does carrying the weight of the entire universe on your shoulders feel
CG: IT'S HARD, BUT SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT.
TG: well nostalgia aside
TG: i stand by my belief that furbies are the paragon of 90s family oriented weirdness
TG: and possibly the literal spawn of satan
CG: I DON'T KNOW, DAVE. YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY TRAUMATIZED, BUT THEY'RE KINDA CUTE.
TG: what about them is cute karkat
TG: is it their glossy big brother eyes that you can almost picture zooming on you like a rifle scope
TG: is it their adorable little beak that closes around your fingers with the strength of a steamroller
TG: (which by the way thank god they didnt think of giving them teeth)
TG: or is it the diabolic motor sound or the infrared third eye
TG: or maybe the feeling of its little animatronic skeleton squirming under its funky fur like its doomsday
CG: I FEEL LIKE THE ONLY APPROPRIATE ANSWER TO THOSE QUESTIONS IS ANOTHER QUESTION: HOW OFTEN DO YOU THINK ABOUT FURBY SKELETONS AND TEETH?
TG: sometimes
TG: im telling you though
TG: furbies man
TG: theyre at the intersection where puppets and fucking gremlins meet
TG: but with robotics to fuck up your mind
CG: THEY SURE FUCKED UP YOURS, THAT MUCH IS CLEAR!
TG: those bitches are plotting your murder while you sleep
CG: IT’S CONSPIRACY TIME WITH YOUR DUMBASS HOST, DAVE STRIDER.
TG: notice how they dont close their eyes except for when theyre talking to you or “playing” hide and seek
TG: which will never stop being messed up
TG: this mass of fur wire and batteries prompting you to play with it in the dark as it screams to be fed
TG: fed what karkat
TG: as i noted they don't have teeth
TG: but who needs those when youve got demonic voices and murderous intent in you
CG: RIGHT. THAT WOULD DEFINITELY MAKE UP FOR THE LACK OF TEETH.
TG: im convinced theyre biding their time
TG: when they stare at you from your shelf throughout the night
TG: when they force you to get out of bed and close their eyes so that theyll stop the psychological torture
TG: when they turn on by themselves
TG: the words they speak only they understand
TG: the rest is a mockery of innocence
TG: a mimicry of humanity
TG: in essence
TG: a lie
CG: CONGRATULATIONS, NOW YOU'RE BEGINNING TO SOUND LIKE A TRUE CONSPIRACY NUT!!!
TG: if youre not scared youre not paying attention
CG: WAIT. I'M, LIKE, 99% SURE YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME, BUT JUST TO BE SURE: YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME, RIGHT?
CG: YOU'RE NOT *ACTUALLY* A CONSPIRACY THEORIST.
TG: aw jeez youre no fun
TG: im fucking with you yeah
TG: but the furby army thing is an actual thing that happened to me
TG: whether it shaped me as a person or not ill leave to your judgement
CG: ARE ALL HUMANS THIS UNNECESSARILY WEIRD OR IS IT JUST YOU?
TG: probably just me
CG: I HOPE YOU'RE DONATING YOUR BRAIN TO SCIENCE WHEN YOU KICK IT. I'M SURE THEY'LL FIND A USE FOR IT.
TG: actually did you know i collect dead things in jars
TG: so i know a thing or two
TG: technically i dont even have to be dead to donate my brain
CG: … NO?
TG: no it can be alchemized right into a formaldehyde jar and up it goes in a shelf
TG: so that i can show it to my friends and say thats my old self
CG: MAN WHO COLLECTS DEAD THINGS AND IS FUCKING TERRIFIED OF FURBIES IN AN ARGUABLY IRONIC WAY MAY OR MAY NOT OWN A COPY OF HIS OWN WEIRD ASS BRAIN. MORE AT TEN.
TG: you only need the proper captcha code, a thick skin and a partial to total disregard of morals to make the magic happen
CG: WE'RE NOT EVEN TALKING HYPOTHETICALS HERE, ARE WE?
TG: lets just say that brains have been alchemized at some point of history
TG: and said point might be a lot more concurrent than you think
CG: DO I EVEN WANT TO ASK?
TG: idk do you
CG: IT'S TEMPTING, BUT I THINK I'LL SAVE IT FOR OUR NEXT 3 AM CONVERSATION.
TG: its a lot to digest i get it
CG: NO SHIT. YOU'RE OBSCURE.
TG: what can i say 3 am is an obscure hour
CG: TALKING TO YOU AT *ANY* HOUR OF THE DAY IS LIKE BINGE WATCHING TRASH TV: A PAIN IN THE ASS, BUT SOMEHOW YOU CAN'T LOOK AWAY.
TG: come on im a sight for sore eyes
TG: dont you deny it
TG: you love it
CG: THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION MUST BE MAKING YOU DELUSIONAL, BUT MONITORING A DUDE'S MENTAL HEALTH RAPIDLY DECLINE IS SEEMINGLY BECOMING A THING I DO IN MY FREE TIME.
TG: hey you could have run away and you didnt
TG: were making progress
CG: I’VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT LEAVING YOU TO YOUR OWN DEVICES IS WORSE THAN HUMORING YOU, SO… A MAN’S GOTTA DO WHAT A MAN’S GOTTA DO.
CG: AT ANY RATE, ARE YOU AN INSOMNIAC OR SOMETHING? I DON’T THINK I’VE *EVER* SEEN YOU OFFLINE.
TG: ive just been a bit restless lately
TG: gotta make myself busy you know
CG: YOU WORK A RETAIL JOB, WHAT, EIGHT HOURS A DAY? SEVEN DAYS A WEEK?
TG: about right
CG: GO TO BED, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!
TG: practice what you preach bro
TG: as far as im concerned youre not getting 9 hours of sleep during the day
TG: or night
CG: I TAKE NAPS… SOMETIMES. SPONTANEOUSLY.
TG: im pretty sure that classifies as passing tf out
CG: I GET THE SLEEP I NEED.
TG: sure and i sleep on one side of my brain like a fucking dolphin
TG: do you know what i think
TG: i think your bedtime turned into an ungodly caffeination and work combo at some point and youve long since stopped pretending you plan on fixing it
CG: OKAY, MY SLEEP CYCLE IS THOROUGHLY FUCKED.
CG: WHAT OF IT?
TG: nothing
TG: im just saying
CG: YOU REALIZE CALLING ME OUT ON MY BULLSHIT DOESN’T CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU’RE ALSO RUNNING ON CAFFEINE, RIGHT?
TG: yeah well addiction is a powerful thing
CG: COME ON.
CG: FROM ONE COFFEE JUNKIE TO ANOTHER: TRY TO GET SOME SLEEP.
CG: EVEN IF YOU DON’T FALL ASLEEP, RESTING YOUR EYES FOR A MINUTE CAN’T HURT.
TG: alright alright
TG: nighty night
TG: that goes for you too btw
TG: your eyebags are so massive they nearly surpass the entire state of texas in size
TG: and that shits huge
CG: TROLLS ARE NATURALLY BAGGY-EYED, YOU CRETINOUS DUMBFUCKING NUMBFUCK.
TG: bro its obvious we both need that beauty sleep
TG: this is like alcoholics anonymous we gotta have each others backs
TG: its a support system
TG: you look out for me i look out for you
CG: TO SHOW YOU HOW TIGHT I'VE GOT YOUR BACK, I’M NOT LEAVING UNTIL YOU LOG THE FUCK OFF.
TG: before that
TG: i know caffeine doesnt disrupt my sleep anymore but if you need to take a break from it stop by tomorrow and i can introduce you to our decaf selection
CG: AH, THE SALESMAN STREAK KICKS IN AT LAST. I WAS BEGINNING TO WORRY.
TG: im dead serious
TG: if coffee is giving you any trouble sleeping or if it makes you anxious let me know
TG: id feel responsible if it becomes an issue
CG: DAVE. IF YOU SWITCH FROM NOCTURNALITY TO DIURNALITY OVERNIGHT, IT'S LIKELY YOU'RE GOING TO STRUGGLE ADJUSTING.
CG: WHICH IS TO SAY: YOUR COFFEE IS LITERALLY THE LAST OF MY PROBLEMS.
TG: you havent been getting coffee jitters have you
CG: BELIEVE ME, YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW IF THEY COME FOR MY ASS.
TG: cool cool
TG: in that case
TG: hasta la vista baby
CG: SWEET DREAMS, IDIOT.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 03:30

Six coffees later…

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 11:00

CG: YOU WEREN'T AT WORK TODAY.
CG: I MEAN, EITHER THAT OR WE MISSED EACH OTHER SOMEHOW.
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M STARTING TO UNDERSTAND THE COFFEE MASTERY THING YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT BECAUSE I ORDERED AN AMERICANO AND IT WAS SO FUCKING WATERY THAT I WAS LITERALLY ONE UGLY HAIRCUT AND A PISS DRINKING SECOND AWAY FROM BECOMING WHATEVER THE FUCK KEVIN COSTNER WAS IN WATERWORLD.
CG: I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU AROUND IF YOU'RE NOT HOME SICK?
CG: TAKE CARE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 11:02

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 12:14

TG: oh hey man
TG: im actually starting a double shift rn so i gotta keep it short
TG: i completely forgot that i had formation today which is why i wasnt at my post
TG: anyway im sorry you couldnt get a taste of my heavenly coffee
TG: or more notably a piece of me
TG: im miss bad media karma another day another drama
TG: yes its a britney reference bitch
TG: and i made it double just for you
TG: i really g2g but you can hit me up later

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:18

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 22:00

CG: STILL BUSY, MISS BAD MEDIA KARMA?
TG: i always am but i can be all yours for a lil while
CG: A-HA, I'M ECSTATIC. JUST OVER THE MOON TO BE GETTING THE PRIVILEGE OF YOUR COMPANY, REALLY.
TG: youre welcome
CG: DO I HAVE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TO GET AHOLD OF YOUR EMINENCE FROM NOW ON? SINCE YOU'RE A BUSINESS MAN WITH A BAJILLION IRONS IN THE FIRE AND NO TIME TO SPARE…
TG: i can pull out some irons from the fire dw the factory of hot shit never runs out of fuel
TG: who took your order this morning tho
TG: i need to know whos responsible of tainting our good name so badly that you spontaneously metamorphosed into costner
TG: which is a frickin tragedy if you ask me
CG: DIDN'T REALLY CATCH HIS NAME? I DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO YOUR COWORKERS, BUT IT WAS THE DUDE WITH THE LEMON-SUCKING FACE… WELL, THE ONE WHO'S NOT YOU, OBVIOUSLY.
TG: bro i knew it
TG: believe it or not thats our manager
TG: mf prates on about how hes been working here longer than any other living soul and he cant even cross-hatch
CG: I'M GONNA PRETEND I TOTALLY KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
TG: you do its the caramel pattern thingy on your macchiato remember that
CG: OH, YEAH. THAT COULD BE… TRICKY TO MAKE UNDER SOME CIRCUMSTANCES, NO?
TG: not really and especially not if youre the damn manager and youve been allegedly "making coffee for 8+ years"
CG: I HEAR YA.
TG: no kidding im sure he could fuck up an iced chai latte if he put his mind to it
TG: thats how useless he is
TG: the dictionary definition of fucking dead loss
TG: he should step the fuck down and let someone minimally competent do his job alas
CG: WAIT UP. WHAT'S THAT? IS IT THE SWEET SMELL OF RESENTMENT, HUNGER FOR POWER AND MUTINY IDEATION?
TG: no you dont understand i dont even want his job
TG: what irks me is that hes not only all fingers and thumbs
TG: hes ALSO evil
CG: ELABORATE.
TG: do you remember the 2x1 madness and how i was the only fucker at the cash register
CG: AH.
TG: ill tell you whats wrong with that picture (aside from the obvious son-of-bitchery and general small dick energy that leaving me holding the baby when were short-staffed emanates)
TG: and that is that he deadass vanishes at peak hours to spin in his chair at the office full megacorp villain style
CG: WHAT IMMORALITY COULD HE POSSIBLY BE PLOTTING BACK THERE?
TG: good question
TG: he watches like a creep from the shadows while i struggle and then gives me friendly performance reviews such as dave you take too long with the latte art and i neednt remind you that time is money
CG: THAT DOES SOUND LIKE SOMETHING A MEGACORP VILLAIN WOULD DO AND SAY, I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.
TG: what do you think about this one
TG: dave keep your hands out of your pockets at all times because it makes you look too relaxed but also you shouldnt look too busy or too formal so good luck figuring it out i guess
TG: does that sound humanly feasible to you
CG: I DON’T KNOW HOW HUMANLY FEASIBLE ANY GIVEN THING IS AT ANY GIVEN TIME, BUT IN MY OPINION YOU MANAGE THAT DECENTLY ENOUGH. LOOKING *BOTH* BUSY AND CASUAL, I MEAN.
TG: do i
CG: ABSOLUTELY. COOL CATS LIKE YOU HAVE WHAT I CALL "THE ROOKIE ARTIST EXTREMITY DENIAL SYNDROME” (RAEDS FOR SHORT), WHICH MAKES YOU CLINICALLY CRAM YOUR HANDS INTO YOUR POCKETS DAY AND NIGHT, LIKE THOSE MEATHOOKS HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING PART OF YOUR ANATOMY… BUT HONESTLY? FUCK THAT NOISE, IT MAKES YOU LOOK MAD FRESH WHEN YOU DO STUFF SINGLE HANDEDLY. IN THE MOST LITERAL SENSE.
TG: so youre diagnosing me with dudes so swagger its actually sickening?
CG: TAKE IT FROM ME, A CERTIFIED MEDICAL BIG SHOT: YOU'RE DRIPPING SO HARD YOU'RE BASICALLY DROWNING IN THE SAUCE, WHICH YOU'RE STACKING AN UNHEALTHY AMOUNT OF… WHICH IS ALSO WHY YOU'RE SICK.
CG: YEAH, I’M GOING WITH THAT.
TG: fuck yeah
TG: ok check this one out its my favorite
TG: always prioritize the customer but the floor absolutely needs to be mopped in between orders even if there arent any spills and there are like ten people impatiently checking their watches and ripping their hair out in line
CG: IS THIS WHY IT'S ALWAYS WET?
TG: yup
CG: WOW, OKAY. I SAY THERE'S ONLY ONE POSSIBLE COURSE OF ACTION AT THIS STAGE… AND IT INVOLVES A LOT OF REPRESSED FURY AND A SHARP BLADE DROPPING DOWN FROM A TALL FRAME.
TG: i like how you think
TG: take it to the top make it drop
CG: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, THAT'S FUCKED UP. ALL OF IT.
TG: im telling you
TG: i try to be chill about it but god is it aggravating
CG: NO CHILL, STRIDER, ONLY DEATH BY HANGING.
TG: not to publicly advocate for legalized murder but thatd be swell tbh
TG: enough of that though i dont want to bore you to death with my assortment of starboons war stories
CG: I DON'T MIND YOU VENTING.
TG: you dont?
CG: A SENSE OF TRASCENDENTAL BROTHERLY COMMUNION AND PLATONIC CULMINATION CAN HISTORICALLY BE FOUND IN THE ACT OF HATING STUFF WITH YOUR BROS AND, IF I’M HONEST, THAT GUY'S ALREADY MADE IT TO THE TOP OF MY *ACTUALLY MURDEROUS* BLACK LIST.
CG: SO BY ALL MEANS DON'T STOP.
CG: LET US LIVE BY THE UNIVERSAL BRO CODE AND REJOICE IN OUR MUTUAL HATRED FOR PRICKS, BASTARDS AND SHITTY EMPLOYERS ALIKE. WE'LL CHEW OUT WHOEVER STANDS IN OUR WAY BY WORD OF MOUTH AND WE WON’T FORGIVE NOR FORGET NO WRONGS, AS LAUGHABLE AS THEY MIGHT BE.
CG: AFTER ALL, BROS WHO TALK SHIT TOGETHER STAY TOGETHER. AND IT'S A FACT THAT THIS IS HOW GREAT FRIENDSHIPS ARE AND CONTINUE TO BE FORGED.
TG: now thats a speech bro
TG: im standing up and clapping furiously because no truer gospel has ever been preached
TG: tears are streaming down my face
TG: and god himself just turned up to high-five you
CG: HIGH-FIVE *US*, YOU MEAN. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, JUST SOME DUDES CHUMMILY ENGAGING IN A TRIPLE HIGH FIVE REACH-AROUND WITH LITERAL TEARS OF JOY IN THEIR EYES.
TG: karkat if you keep saying things like that im gonna have to smash my mouth against your mouth
TG: softly because youre amazing
CG: IS THIS WHAT YOU HUMANS CALL “HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT”?
TG: barely subtext at this point
CG: FAIR, I GUESS?
CG: PACKING RIGHT INTO THIS AWKWARD SILENCE. YOU SAID YOU HAD A DOUBLE SHIFT EARLIER. YOUR MANAGER’S DOING TOO?
TG: see youre starting to get it
TG: he reasoned that since my formation is a journey of self fulfillment rather than company time (bullshit) its unfair for the other baristas if i dont take up more hours to balance out the workload
TG: guess whos shift he wanted me to cover
CG: NO FUCKING WAY!!! HIS???
TG: ding ding ding
TG: bingo
TG: dude guilt tripped me right into it too
TG: he literally goes i know its usually each man for himself and i wouldnt ask this of you under normal circumstances but as i have repeatedly told you im a divorced man and its my two yos birthday so youd do me a solid if you covered me so that i could attend her birthday party and be the father she needs
TG: blah blah tearjerker
TG: to which i say suck on my nutsack man i aint picking up your shift on top of mine
TG: and hes all like david if you wanna be a coffee master you gotta make sacrifices
CG: I DON’T WANT TO INTERRUPT, BUT SUCK ON YOUR *WHAT*?
TG: oh you know
TG: my mammal teste containing pouch
TG: that mammals have
CG: AH, YOU MEAN YOUR HUMAN SCROTUM THAT HUMANS HAVE.
TG: sure
TG: so i said suck on my human scrotum that humans have i dont owe you shit
TG: in this economy?
TG: get the hint dude capitalism isnt your friend
TG: and neither am i
CG: DID YOU REALLY FLIP HIM OFF?
TG: nah man
TG: i said sure sir no problem! i love slaving away for villainy corporations and getting home with no energy to work on my dj set! or you know any other minimally enriching activity i might hypothetically entertain having! shit literally gets me going!
TG: (the exclamations are only for dramatic effect)
TG: like bro read the fine print
TG: its a tiny ass washed out font but it clearly says
TG: enthusiasm not included
CG: I’M GETTING LOST IN YOUR SARCASM, DAVE. DID YOU ACTUALLY SAY ANY OF THAT?
TG: no i was awkwardly silent throughout the whole monologue
TG: and then i busted my ass working while i looked off into the distance thinking about all the sweet ways id get revenge on the douche if i didnt actually need the job
CG: THAT DOES SOUND A LOT MORE BELIEVABLE.
CG: AND HONESTLY? SAME HAT, BRO. I WOULDN’T BE DOING JACK SQUAT IF THERE WASN’T A FIRE UNDER MY ASS TO FIND SOMETHING ANALOGOUS TO A STEADY INCOME.
TG: amen bro
TG: surprisingly enough i dont *actually* hate it here
TG: they might have successfully brainwashed me into believing this shitty retail job is it for me but i kinda
TG: fit in i guess
CG: SURE YOU DO. KNOWING IT ALL ABOUT A VERY SPECIFIC TYPE OF BEAN IS ESSENTIALLY STRIDERCORE.
TG: fuck you
TG: beans are great
TG: and you suck
TG: beans 1 karkat 0
TG: i dont think i ever asked how you feel about yours tho
TG: your job
CG: EH. SO-SO. I’M NOT HALF BAD AT IT AND I DON’T EXACTLY HATE IT… NOT PER SE, BUT I CAN’T HELP WONDERING WHERE I’D BE IF I EXCELLED IN SOMETHING MORE… FULFILLING, YOU KNOW? THIS IS NOT MY CALLING, THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYING, BUT I’M STARTING TO THINK MAYBE THERE ISN’T ANYTHING LIKE THAT FOR ME?
CG: I’M JUST A PILE OF DIRECTIONLESS ORGANIC WASTE FLOATING AROUND IN SPACE, WORKING A PRECARIOUS JOB WITH NO FUTURE PROSPECT WHATSOEVER. WHO THE FUCK PUT ME THERE? I DON’T KNOW, BUT I STILL GO ALONG WITH IT BECAUSE WHAT ELSE CAN I DO, YOU KNOW.
TG: shit i dont know what insightful thing im supposed to be saying to that
CG: THAT’S OK. I HATE TED TALKS WHEN I'M NOT THE ONE GIVING THEM, ANYWAY.
TG: it sounds bittersweet
TG: a lot more bitter than sweet tbh
TG: i know you just said you hate ted talks but im a spirit of contradiction so bear with me for a sec
TG: we build too much of our identity around success and career but theres a lot more to life than that right
CG: … RIGHT.
TG: so basically what im saying is who the fuck needs excellence when you have other stuff going on like massive guns and extensive knowledge on chick flicks
CG: HEY, WATCH WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT “CHICK” FLICKS, I KNOW YOU CAN’T CATCH THE SUBTLETIES OF A GOOD ROMANCE TO SAVE YOUR LIFE, BUT AS I’VE TOLD YOU MULTIPLE TIMES ALREADY: THEY’RE CINEMATIC JEWELS OF UNPRECEDENTED SOCIOCULTURAL AND EMOTIONAL VALUE.
TG: the fact that you say that unironically
CG: I FEEL GENUINELY SORRY FOR YOUR LACK OF TASTE.
TG: reverse uno card
CG: OH, WOW.
CG: GREAT ARGUMENT, YOU TOTALLY GOT ME THERE. I'M GOING TO CURL UP AND CRY IN A CORNER BECAUSE YOU JUST OWNED ME *THAT* HARD.
TG: i wasnt even being sarcastic tho
TG: i think you know your shit about shit and that makes you a pretty cool guy
TG: plus if youre minimally thoughtful towards retail workers youre fine in my book
TG: and my book is like the bible of radness so if i say youre not a sore ass loser you better believe it
CG: THANKS, DAVE. THIS IS STRICTLY OFF THE RECORD AND I WON’T SAY IT TWICE, BUT YOU’RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF. I'D GO AS FAR AS SAYING YOU’RE A PRETTY DAMN DECENT GUY.
TG: dawg im feeling the love in this arbys tonight
TG: were entrenched in it and its deep fried gay greasy and beautiful
CG: DON’T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF.
CG: ALSO, THAT’S A FUCKING DISGUSTING ANALOGY NO MATTER HOW YOU LOOK AT IT.
TG: dude no
TG: it smells like roast beef
TG: nobody hates roast beef
TG: except for vegans maybe
TG: are you a vegan karkat
CG: YOU’RE RUINING IT.
TG: come on get a whiff of this meaty load
TG: yum
TG: makes you want to roll in it doesnt it
CG: I’M NOT GOING NEAR THAT MEAT.
TG: get down here
CG: I’M NOT GETTING DOWN, DAVE. IT’S JUST NOT HAPPENING. ME AND THAT MEAT? WE’RE IRREVOCABLY DIVORCED.
TG: no we cant have that were getting emergency marital therapy right here right now
CG: WE'RE MOST DEFINITELY *NOT*.
TG: karkat be a man the beef is all stacked and its got our names on it
CG: NO, IT DOESN’T.
TG: yes it does
CG: NO.
TG: yes
CG: NO.
TG: yes
CG: NO.
TG: yes
CG: NOPE.
TG: yep
CG: NAH.
TG: yah
CG: NAY.
TG: yay
CG: YES
TG: no
CG: HA! YOU FELL FOR IT, YOU STUPID FUCK.
TG: fuckkkk
CG: THIS IS DUMB.
TG: hella dumb lets just stash this whole ass mess away
CG: SECONDED.
CG: IT GOT KINDA BURIED UNDER YOUR IMPROMPTU RANT, OUR TÊTE À TÊTE AND THE SILLY BEEF SCUFFLE THAT FOLLOWED, BUT YOU MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT WORKING ON A DJ SET EARLIER. WHAT THE FUCK’S UP WITH THAT?
TG: oh yeah im side hustling the hell out of my free time thats what
CG: WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
CG: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DON’T DO?
TG: no
TG: … well yes
TG: i dont stop kicking ass
TG: cant physically stop myself from kicking ass
CG: BUT REALLY. IN COMPLETE FUCKING SOLEMNITY HERE: YOU. ARE. A. FUCKING. DJ.
TG: d-stridez at your service
TG: its plural because dirks in it too
TG: sometimes
TG: ish
CG: I’M SORRY, NEVER MIND THE LAME ASS NAME OR LAME ASSER DUO, BUT THIS PIECE OF TRIVIA ABOUT YOU IS MAKING ME LOSE MY GODDAMN MIND.
TG: is it that eye-popping i like to think of myself as a multifaceted artist
TG: a proper renaissance man if you will
CG: NO, I'M NOT WILL.
TG: hahaha god youre on a roll today
TG: mark my words da vinci had nothing on me
CG: WHAT ARE YOUR TALENTS EXACTLY (FOR YOU TO MAKE SUCH A BOLD AND CONCEITED CLAIM)?
TG: let me see
TG: i draw compose remix drop beats like theyre hot make the best coffee in town and im unbearably handsome and fashionable
CG: YOU LEFT OUT YOUR MODESTY.
CG: BUT YOU DRAW, HUH? TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT.
TG: this is feeling more and more like a job interview
CG: I'M JUST CURIOUS ABOUT YOUR HOBBIES, DAVE. CAN'T A BRO ASK HIS BRO ABOUT HIS INTERESTS?
TG: okay then
TG: im running this serialized comic strip thats called sweet bro and hella jeff
TG: it pays homage to late 2000s dudebro shit posting circa
CG: AH. SO MORE IRONIC NONSENSE.
TG: yeah its gen z forum frolicsomeness in all its glory
CG: OF COURSE, RIGHT. AS AN ART APPRECIATOR (AND EXPERIMENTAL ARTIST MYSELF), I SUPPOSE I'LL CHECK IT OUT.
TG: man are you kidding you gotta show me your stuff some time
CG: MAYBE LATER.
CG: TO STAY ON TOPIC. YOU RAP ABOUT…?
TG: ironic gen z forum frolicsomeness?
CG: THOUGHT SO.
TG: i honestly rap about everything and anything
TG: thats the kick of it
TG: we could idk jam together or something
CG: I'M SORRY TO DISAPPOINT, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT. I CAN'T EVEN CLAP MY FUCKING HANDS WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN UNCOORDINATED SEMIAQUATIC PUPPY.
TG: thats real cute tho
TG: we should still give it a try
TG: you me my turntables my place
CG: IS THIS… IS THIS SOME KIND OF SOLICITATION?
TG: yes
TG: a solicitation to chill
TG: what do you say
CG: OKAY.
TG: hella
CG: BUT ONLY IF YOU LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO THE GREAT CINEMATIC UNIVERSE OF DANE COOK IN EXCHANGE.
TG: what THE FUCK
TG: i offer you a fun hangout idea and you counter it with the worst possible activity ever
TG: how does that work
CG: DIDN'T YOU HAVE A WEIRD HYPERFIXATION WITH FICTIONAL DENTISTS AND DUBIOUSLY SAUCY STUFF?
TG: i dont know what gives you the impression but not really
CG: THIS MOVIE HE STARS IN, IT HAS THAT. MAYBE YOU'D LIKE IT.
TG: please for the love of god tell me you dont actually like good luck chuck
CG: OH, YOU'VE SEEN IT? I DON'T ACTUALLY REMEMBER MUCH OF THAT ONE. I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT SINCE I WAS LIKE 6 SWEEPS OLD.
TG: let it stay that way
TG: just thinking about that dudes face makes me want to barf
TG: dane cook? more like dane COCK he looks like a flaccid dick
TG: believe me i love to hate 2000s celebrities as much as the next guy but hes so objectively dry that he defies the whole purpose of satire
TG: hes like a comedy dementor he straight up sucks the fun out of talking shit
TG: even worse hes noo-noo from the teletubbies if a dude wasnt operating it and it was just an empty piece of junk that you look at and you kinda see why its supposed to be funny but also not really because now that youre paying attention its actually kind of fucking creepy
TG: i can go on
CG: ALRIGHT, I GET IT, I GET IT. CALM DOWN.
TG: ill watch literally any other shitty romcom just not that one
CG: THESE WORDS MIGHT COME BACK TO BITE YOU IN THE ASS, BUT I'LL BE CHARITABLE AND MAKE YOU WATCH A MOVIE THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY TEAR APART WITHOUT GOING OFF THE DEEP END. ALTHOUGH I GET THE FEELING YOU'LL GO OFF THE DEEPEST OF ENDS NO MATTER WHAT MY PICK IS.
TG: correct
CG: THEN IT'S SETTLED.
TG: feels vaguely threatening but great
TG: ill let you know when my schedule clears up and we can catch a movie or get down and jam
TG: or both
CG: LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
CG: SHOULDN'T YOU GET SOME SHUT-EYE?
TG: i really should shouldnt i
CG: WILL I SEE YOU TOMORROW?
TG: if youre lucky
TG: (yes ill be there)
CG: GOOD NIGHT.
TG: night bro

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 00:21

Chapter Text

Karkat stared at his phone for a good five minutes. His thoughts were all over the place, his heart racing wildly inside his chest… like it had any real reason to. Dave had just been vocal about hanging out with him, sure, but that was the natural course of things! They’d been working up to that moment with the little time they got to talk face to face every day and, obviously, their far more extensive night talks where they fooled around until the hour was late enough to drop any pretenses and simply enjoy each other’s company.

The troll laid down on the cold floor—right beside his perfectly inviting recuperacoon—like a particularly love-struck teenage boy. He really did enjoy Dave’s company. He couldn’t get enough of his idiocy, of his attentiveness. Because as much as the blond tried to hide behind a cool guy persona, Karkat was beginning to see right through it. No, it was more than that, Dave had chosen to let him in and it was this deliberateness that made him feel incredibly special.

In the stillness of his room, he felt ready to admit it to himself: he was falling in love and he was falling beyond salvation. It was in the way he missed Dave if he didn’t get to see him, in the way he checked Trollian before it even pinged in hopes that there'd be a message, in hopes that their silly conversations would drag on and he’d get to know more about him.

God, the next morning couldn’t come soon enough.

Karkat woke up to the sound of rain and a sharp pain on his lower back and neck. He’d been so busy internally squealing about his crush that he hadn’t thought of getting off the floor to sleep comfortably. And now he was paying for it. Falling in love might be all fun and games in the movies, but the reality of it all… oh, how different was the reality of it all.

Regardless of its somewhat pathetic start, the morning promised to be calm when he arrived at the familiar coffee shop door. Which was unsurprising, considering it was eight a.m. and the rain was getting heavier by the minute. There weren’t many customers around and Dave was standing at the counter, idly stirring a bright red drink with a straw while he fiddled with the store’s Spotify playlist. His hair was loosely styled that day and he looked as relaxed as a Strider could look.

"Are you having a good time?" he sneered as Dave noticed him and raised his eyes.

"It’d be better if it was the weekend and I was sitting on my ass on a luxury island with my best bro and the decomposing corpse of my tax evader boss. But sure, I’m not complaining."

"Really, Dave? Weekend at Bernie's?" Karkat left his umbrella at the umbrella stand.

"Yo, as far as corpse movies go, I’d say Weekend at Bernie’s is the closest you get to a fun time. Would you pick Swiss Army Man over it? I don’t think so," Dave concluded.

"Shut up, it’s literally too early for this shit." Karkat groaned. "What is that red thing you’re drinking?"

"This? This here is a Strawberry Açaí Refresher with green coffee and passion fruit accents."

"Fucking crotchstaining poser jerkfuck…"

"Bro, you asked. Anyway, what can I do for you today? You in the mood for coffee?"

"Guess I could go for one," the troll nodded. "Walk me through it?"

"Sure thing. How about brewed coffee? Have you tried our more acidic roasts yet?"

"I don’t think I have."

"In that case… May I interest you in an easy-drinking, soft, mellow Blonde?" Dave leaned forward enough for his shades to slide down his nose and reveal a clearly flirtatious—albeit probably teasing—red stare. Karkat had vaguely made out the shape of his eyes under the dark glass before, but this was the first time he had actually gotten to see his long lashes and deep red irises. They were so unreal, so unlike anything he’d ever seen before in a human… that he was almost rendered speechless.

"I, uh— That sounds very inappropriate, let me switch to a Latte real quick." He pushed Dave's face out of his personal space and luckily managed not to light up like a Christmas tree.

"Ouch, that's cold…" Dave pretended to pout. "Fun fact, though, anything Starboons related sounds dirty if you put your heart into it. Like, I don't know: do you want an extra pump with that? Extra whip? Babe, I can make that Blonde hotter, milkier and creamier for you… you just have to ask."

"That's it. I'm calling the goddamn police."

"Come on, man. I'm just a lil dude, you can't send me to the slammer for half assed flirting."

"I'm feeling merciful today, if you make me some cool Latte art, I'll consider overlooking it."

"Haha, you got it. What size?"

"Tall will do."

"Aight. I'll be with ya in a sec."

"No hurry."

"Actually, let me surprise you. I'll bring it to your table," Dave suggested. His lips twitched sinisterly and Karkat knew that he should have chosen a Blonde coffee instead.

"This is gonna be fucked up, isn't it?"

"No, no, not at all," he denied it, but he couldn't wipe the mischievous smile off his face. "It's gonna be so sweet."

"Sweet my ass!"

"Oh, it won't be an ass, yours or otherwise, don't worry."

Karkat shrugged and walked over to what he could now call his regular spot. He mindlessly scrolled through his work e-mails and even answered some while he waited. It wasn't much longer before Dave approached him with a satisfied look on his face and a cup in hand.

"Okay, here it is, sir. Our specialty. Please, enjoy." He made a little neck bow, evidently trying to keep himself from laughing. Just how bad could it be…?

When the cup made it to the table and Karkat caught a glimpse of Dave's artistry he had to blink a couple of times to assess whether it was reality or a fever dream.

"Did this asshole really make me a—?" he internally conjectured. "Is this…? Is this a human—?" he asked out loud.

"—Human dick? Yes, you're welcome," Dave answered casually.

Karkat stared at the milk dick in his drink as if it contained all of the hidden answers of the Universe. It was… uncannily detailed. The anatomical accuracy had been deliberately discarded in favor of expressiveness—for a lack of a better word—but Dave's skills somehow came through the absolute vulgarity.

He raised his eyes to meet Dave's—mouth hanging wide open—and the blond finally abandoned the stoicism and burst out laughing. In fact, he laughed so hard that he had to hold onto the table to keep himself from falling over.

"Hahaha… Holy fuck, your face is priceless—Ahaha, fu—fuck," he winced at the pain on his side. "Textbook reaction…!"

"I cannot believe this."

"Oh God, hahaha… I can't even—Wait, don't tell me you don't like it?"

"Can it, I love it," Karkat slapped Dave's chest, still mesmerized by the inappropriate shape in front of him. "Is that a heart coming out of it…?"

"Yeah, man, because I love you," he answered Karkat’s touch by slapping his shoulder back—softly.

"Dave, you have some serious talent. I'm not even kidding, this is—This is so childish it's kinda making me question whether your cognitive development is up to speed with your age, but it's so well done."

"I told you I was good. I told you, dog," Dave nodded proudly. "Can I take a picture of it? The world needs to see this masterpiece."

"Knock yourself out." Karkat pushed the cup forward so that Dave could get an unobstructed shot of it. As he was about to find out, the human took his picture game as seriously as Eridan, only that—unlike him—he gunned for the antithesis of aesthetics. He purposefully turned on the flash to catch the greasiness and decay of the world in its hard light (and harder shadows). "You’re pure chaos, dude. Pure. Unchecked. Chaos… Might as well get your stupid thumb on the lens to round it off."

"Great idea, you really get my vision."

“The only 'vision' I’m getting is the conviction that you’re the biggest schmuck who ever lived. Like, stop looking, folks, we found him. No one can even come close to this dude’s buffoonery! You’d think my literal clown worshipper bro would be more of a clown than he is, right? That’s where you’re wrong, ladies and gentlemen. Deadly wrong. This man here is it. The whole fucking circus.”

“Where the magic happens, baby.”

“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t,” Dave laughed. “Come over here, let’s take a selfie together,” he beckoned Karkat to come closer, phone already set to selfie mode. “Don’t give me that face. See? No flash, no thumbs… It’s gonna be yearbook proper, I swear.”

“Whatever,” Karkat shrugged, but still shuffled a bit closer. When Dave wrapped one of his arms around him and he felt the warmth of his body and his breath, he did everything in his power not to overreact. He had to remind himself that it was just a picture. Just a picture. Just a…

“V sign, v sign,” Dave nudged him, oblivious to his inner struggle.

“You can shove that hippie v up your—” Karkat couldn’t finish the sentence before the camera clicked, but his middle finger did make it into the shot.

“Flipping the bird like a rockstar, huh?” Dave said as he checked the picture. “Yo, what the fuck, we look so good.”

“Let me see.” Dave shoved his phone in Karkat's face. They did—indeed—look very good, so the troll nodded in agreement.

"I'm shocked you're so photogenic."

"Asshole. I'm a natural beauty. If I haven't pursued a modeling career it's because I don't want to outshine every other star in the galaxy."

"Pft. No joke, I could picture you in some kind of calendar," Dave agreed. "... Hot'n'naked beefcakes 2021..." he added almost inaudibly. "Shit," he cursed like he had surprised himself with the thought.

"... What did you just say?" Karkat didn't catch the words. Not that he needed to, the thirst in Dave's tone had been unmistakable.

"Me? Nothing. And definitely nothing you'd deem indecorous."

"..."

"What? Can't a dude expectorate the saucy stuff he's involuntarily seeing in his mind's eye in peace? Shaking my head."

Since the store was virtually empty, Dave was able to chat a little longer with Karkat, pretending to be busy with something at random intervals, just in case his manager was watching.

"Oh, about the thing we talked about… Are you free this weekend?" Dave leaned on a wall close by. His face was back to its regular state of inscrutability.

"Sure. You're not working?"

"Not this Saturday. I haven't had a weekend off in... forever, now that I think about it. Anyway, I'm a free man for the day."

"That's honestly enraging."

"The wonders of capitalism, what can I tell you that you don't know?" They both fell silent for a second in an unspoken act of mutual understanding and annoyance at the system. "Then… My place?"

"I mean, I don't have any turntables, so…"

"Cool. It's apparently gonna rain all day, I'll send you the address and you can drop by whenever?"

"Yeah. Sure. Fine by me."

"Hella. In that case, I think I should head back. Move some things around, pretend I have work to do."

"Sounds like a plan."

"Later, homie." Dave offered his hand for a one-armed bro-hug (the only one allowed between two men).

"Catch you later, Strider." Karkat stood up and gave himself to the hug, which consisted in patting each other not quite aggressively, but not quite gently either (again, as was customary bro etiquette)

And so, they went on with their day, not knowing that their incoming hangout would uncover some burning feelings they were both still trying to come to terms with.

As if sensing something was happening outside of his knowledge, Eridan made an appearance in the chat later that night.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 23:52

CA: kar
CG: ERIDAN.
CA: howws life treatin you
CG: YOU TALK AS IF WE HADN'T SPOKEN IN MONTHS. ALTHOUGH I GUESS IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
CA: youvve been mia for more than a wweek
CG: THAT LONG?
CG: WELL, IN THAT CASE, LIFE'S TREATING ME ALRIGHT.
CA: wwhat sorta half assed answwer is that
CA: you can do a lot better
CG: OH, RIGHT. LET ME SEND YOU A COPY OF MY DIARY ENTRIES FROM THE PAST 10 DAYS, LEST I MISS ANY IMPORTANT DETAIL.
CA: or you can tell me wwhat youvve been up to casually
CA: as you do
CA: fuckin moron
CG: YEAH, WHY CHECK ON YOUR FRIENDS SELFLESSLY WHEN YOU CAN BE A GOSSIPY PIECE OF SHIT!!! DON'T THINK I'M NOT ONTO YOU.
CG: TO EXTEND ON THE UPDATE YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO FORCE OUT OF ME: I'M HANGING OUT AT DAVE'S TOMORROW.
CG: YEAH, I KNOW. I DIDN'T TELL YOU. WE JUST DECIDED ON IT TODAY. BIG FUCKING DEAL.
CA: i cant believve you sometimes
CA: youre goin on a DATE
CA: thats a big fuckin deal kar
CA: the biggest kinda fuckin deal
CG: FIRST OFF, IT'S NOT *REALLY* A DATE. SECONDLY, IT'S NOT LIKE I WASN'T GOING TO TELL YOU.
CA: right
CG: IT'S TRUE. IN FACT I WAS LOOKING FOR A CONFIDANTE AND YOU HAPPEN TO BE THE FIRST ASSHOLE I RUN INTO ON THE NET TONIGHT, SO I'M ENTITLING YOU TO MY INNERMOST COGITATION.
CG: HAPPY?
CA: flourishin
CA: noww speak to me
CG: I'M LITERALLY BEGGING YOU NOT TO BE A DICK ABOUT IT, BUT I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT WHAT I FEEL FOR DAVE IS… PROBABLY… OF A REDDER NATURE THAN I ORIGINALLY DEFENDED.
CA: wwell shit you FINALLY admit it
CG: GUESS I JUST DID. WOW, THAT SURE WAS ANTICLIMACTIC!
CA: howw does it feel to get it out at last
CA: i knoww for a fact that tellin you about sol took a wweight off my shoulders
CG: I WOULD BE LYING IF I SAID I'VE BEEN MAGICALLY ENLIGHTENED AT THE REALIZATION.
CA: wwhat did you expect
CG: I DON'T KNOW, SOME CLARITY, FOR STARTERS.
CA: wwhy wwhat are you thinkin
CG: YOU'RE GOING FULL INTERROGATION LIGHT BULB ON ME, I SEE. YOU'RE MAKING ME FIDGET IN MY CHAIR.
CA: tough
CG: ANYWAY.
CG: AT WHAT POINT DOES ONE DECIDE A FEELING HAS BECOME AN UNIGNORABLE ISSUE? WHAT WEIGHT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE GIVING IT? HOW MUCH TRUTH DOES IT EVEN HOLD?
CG: IT'S FUCKING DISORIENTING. THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING.
CA: didnt someone once say that kismesissitude and matespritship are like coins rattlin inside a wwasher machine
CG: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT?
CA: i dont remember the context but hear me out
CA: arent they supposed to be turbulent in essence
CA: to stir somethin in you
CG: THAT'S BOTH THE STUPIDEST AND MOST ACCURATE ANALOGY I'VE HEARD BECAUSE THE NOISE A COIN MAKES INSIDE A WASHER MACHINE IS, ABOVE ALL, INFURIATING.
CA: there you havve it
CA: lovve is complicated like that and not knowwin the first thing about it is part of the experience isnt it
CA: you take it you leavve it or you let it burn until it either consumes you or itself
CA: you may treat it like an exact science and you may even hit the mark but lets be real
CA: it nevver stops bein a unquantifiable mess wwhen it comes dowwn to it
CG: ARE YOU BEING FAKE DEEP OR DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT THIS?
CA: you wwound me
CA: im a lot more reflectivve than you givve me credit for
CG: SORRY, I WASN'T MADE AWARE I'M FRIENDS WITH THE NEXT BIG THINKER OF OUR AGE.
CA: do you really think that i dont knoww wwhat im talkin bout because im hopeless in lovve affairs
CG: I DIDN'T SAY THAT. DIDN'T EVEN IMPLY IT, I'M JUST SHOCKED YOU'D BE SO INSIGHTFUL WHEN I EXPECTED YOU TO TAKE THE PISS OUT OF ME OR TELL ME THAT YOU TOLD ME SO.
CG: WHICH YOU DID, YOU TOLD ME SO.
CA: howw long do you think ivve spent cravvin intimacy
CA: and howw BAD
CA: i may be desperate but its not entirely out of desperation that ivve been givvin all a this some thought you knoww
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "THIS"?
CA: wwhat lovve means to me
CA: wwhy i wwant it
CG: AND?
CA: i knoww exactly wwhat ivve been missin and thats wwhat makes not havvin it so insufferable
CA: isnt it funny howw after all this drama the doubts are still fuckin eatin at me
CA: evven though there might be light at the end of the tunnel
CG: FUNNY IS NOT THE WORD I'D USE.
CA: wwhat im sayin is that im no stranger to the confusion youre feelin kar
CA: ivve experienced it first hand
CA: still am
CG: OKAY…?
CG: I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL ME.
CA: i guess i do
CG: DON'T PRETEND TO BE ALL MYSTERIOUS, YOU'RE LIKE AN OPEN BOOK.
CG: CONFESSION FOR CONFESSION?
CA: wwhat
CA: you mean like
CA: a trade
CG: YES. A TRADE OF MISERABLE CONFESSIONS BECAUSE WE APPARENTLY DIDN'T GROW OUT OF OUR TEEN ANGSTINESS LIKE DECENTLY ADJUSTED PEOPLE. I ALREADY AIRED MINE. AND IT WAS A BIG ONE TOO, SO…
CG: YOUR TURN.
CA: its really nothin
CG: COME ON, SPIT IT OUT.
CA: its not so much a confession as somethin thats been troublin me
CA: somethin that ivve been meanin to consult wwith you
CG: SURE?
CA: you might think me a hypocrite after wwhat wwevve just talked about but puttin it into wwords is harder than i thought
CG: OKAY, DISCLAIMER TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT. DISCLAIMERS ARE NOW BANNED FROM THIS CONVERSATION. WHAT’S UP?
CA: i havve good newws and bad newws
CA: wwhich ones do you wwant first
CG: GOOD NEWS?
CA: i wwent on a date wwith sol
CG: !!!!
CG: AND YOU DARE REPRIMAND ME FOR THE SAME FAULT, YOU TAINTCHAFING DOUCHEMUFFIN!!!
CA: you illiterate fuck i told you ivve been meanin to talk to you
CA: you wwent off on your little quest to romance a guy so the timin just didnt feel right
CG: HOW CONSIDERATE OF YOU.
CG: WAIT. WHAT ARE THE BAD NEWS?
CA: i wwent on a date wwith sol
CG: ????
CG: EXCUSE ME, BUT THAT'S BAD… HOW?
CA: im sure you can imagine a million wways howw
CG: I MEAN, SURE I CAN, BUT IF HE WENT ON A DATE WITH YOU… IT MEANS THAT HE AGREED TO IT… WHICH MEANS HE'S INTERESTED IN YOU IN *THAT* WAY… WHICH IS ALSO THE WAY YOU'RE INTERESTED IN HIM… WHICH MAKES IT MUTUAL… WHICH IS LITERALLY THE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME.
CA: it sounds so uncomplicated if you say it like that but its not clear cut
CA: i thought hatin his guts wwould come so naturally to me and in a wway it did
CA: i felt it
CA: the bad blood betwween us
CA: im not gonna lie the tension felt right
CA: but theres somethin else there
CG: I'M LOST, YOU DON'T WANT HIS KISMESISSITUDE ANYMORE???
CA: no i do
CA: but after our date i realized he doesnt look at me like i look at him
CA: im awware its unreasonable to wwant to cross off evvery quadrant box wwith the same partner but i kinda
CA: eugh i dont knoww howw to explain it
CG: YOU DON'T HAVE TO, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.
CA: you knoww a lot about these things
CA: is it wweird to feel like this
CG: I DON'T THINK IT IS. YOUR VACILLATION IS JUST MORE VOLATILE THAN WE'RE TAUGHT TO THINK IS ACCEPTABLE. BECAUSE A HEALTHY HEGEMONIC QUADRANT SYSTEM IS THEORETICALLY MEANT TO BALANCE OUT THE COCKTAIL OF NEGATIVE AND POSITIVE FEELINGS THAT COME WITH ITS COMPLETION, BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT THE LIMITS GET BLURRED WHEN YOU'RE SOME TICKS SHORT FROM THAT IDEAL.
CG: SURE, *IDEALLY* YOU'D HAVE AN AUSPISTICE AND A MOIRAIL TO KEEP YOU IN CHECK WITH YOUR CONFLICTING EMOTIONS AND THEY'D HELP YOU TRANSIT BETWEEN THEM SO THAT THE CLOGS CONTINUED FALLING BACK INTO THE MACHINERY SLOTS, SUBSTANTIALLY KEEPING YOU TOGETHER. AGAIN, *IDEALLY* YOUR MATESPRIT WOULD ALSO BE THERE TO REMIND YOU THAT THEIR POSITIVE QUALITIES OUTWEIGH THE THINGS YOU FORGIVE (OR EVEN ADORE) IN YOUR KISMESIS AND, IN THAT ORDER OF THINGS, PROVE THAT THE FOUNDATION OF YOUR LOVE MAP HAS A REASON TO BE THE WAY IT IS. OR MAYBE HAVING BOTH CONCUPISCENT QUADRANTS SORTED OUT WOULD ALLOW YOU TO SHIFT BETWEEN RED AND BLACK IN A WAY THAT CHANGED NOTHING IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS.
CG: ... BUT, AND THERE IS ALWAYS A BUT:
CG: YOU'RE NOT IN THE CIRCUIT, ERIDAN. YOU'RE COMPETING OUTSIDE OF THE RACE, BUT YOU'RE STILL INSTINCTIVELY FOLLOWING THE RULES AND PATTERNS. WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY WHY YOU'RE LOOKING FOR HIM TO FILL EVERY ROLE YOU'RE MISSING IN YOUR LOVE LIFE.
CG: IN YOUR HEAD HE'S THE ONE WHO'LL SAVE YOU FROM YOUR LONELINESS, BUT YOU'VE CHOSEN TO OMIT THE FACT THAT LONELINESS IS COMPARTMENTALIZED TO BEGIN WITH. THERE IS A FEELING OF LOSS FOR EVERY QUADRANT UNFULFILLED, WE'VE MADE SURE OF IT AS A CULTURE.
CG: I COULD GO FURTHER AND SAY THAT WE'RE NOT JUST CULTURALLY, BUT BIOLOGICALLY DRAWN TO THE IDEA OF CLOSENESS. NO MATTER THE TYPE.
CG: IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, HUMANS HAVE CONFLICTING PUSHES AND PULLS IN THEIR ONLY TYPE OF ROMANCE TOO. THE SAME NUANCES… JUST IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT (ARGUABLY INFERIOR) SCALE. AND THEY LIVE WITH IT, THEY FIND MEANING IN IT.
CG: SO, NO, I DON'T THINK WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU IS ABNORMAL AT ALL.
CA: but its their compass as a race and wwere not like them
CA: im NOT meant to wwant any a this
CG: DIDN'T YOU SAY IT YOURSELF EARLIER? THAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE INEXACT? TURBULENT? I THINK YOU WERE PERFECTLY RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
CG: I'M AN AVID SCHOLAR OF CLASSIC ROMANTIC FORMULAS AND ITS PREDOMINANT TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS, THEREFORE MY KNOWLEDGE ON THIS MIGHT BE A LITTLE MORE DEFICIENT, BUT TAKE IT FROM ME: IT'S OKAY IF YOU CAN'T FIT YOUR DESIRE INTO NEAT LITTLE BOXES. ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU WERE *ALREADY* VACILLATING BEFORE HAVING HIM IN *ANY* QUADRANT!
CG: (I MEAN, ASSUMING IT'S OFFICIALLY PITCH BETWEEN YOU TWO).
CA: (wwe didnt precisely spell it out vverbally but i suppose wwe havve somethin goin on)
CG: (OHHH).
CA: anywway
CA: vvacillatin is a thing but bein this greedy for his attention is an entirely different one
CG: ERIDAN, I'M SERIOUS. YOU'RE NOT BEING GREEDY AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
CG: IF YOU WANT ME TO SEARCH MY ENTIRE ROMCOM DATABASE FOR A MOVIE THAT PLAYS OUT THE EXACT TYPE OF VACILLATION YOU'RE EXPERIENCING… I'M SURE I CAN FIND SOMETHING. IF IT'S BEEN FICTIONALIZED, IT MEANS SOMEONE'S FELT IT BEFORE YOU, ALRIGHT?
CA: thanks kar but im not sure if thats enough for me
CA: its a relief that you dont think im a freak but sol and i wwe dont really do the communication thing so howw do i tell him that ivve been confused from the start
CA: this is the only wway ill havve him and i just cant risk losin that
CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD DROP THE DEFEATISM, MAN. SOMETIMES THERE ARE NO BUTS OR IFS.
CA: wwhat do you mean by that
CG: NOT THAT LONG AGO YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T CHANGE AND YOU DID. YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T BRING YOURSELF TO TALK TO HIM AND YOU DID. YOU SAID HE WOULD DEFINITELY REJECT YOU AND HE DIDN'T.
CG: YOU COULDN'T PREDICT THE OUTCOME OF EITHER OF THOSE ACTIONS AND YOU STILL ENDED UP FACING YOUR PROBLEMS, SO IF ANYTHING IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THE WIND'S BEEN BLOWING IN YOUR FAVOR.
CA: so wwhat do i do
CG: LET’S START WITH THE BASICS. DO YOU WANT TO TELL HIM?
CA: i dont wwant to lie
CA: but omission is not a lie
CG: SO YOU DON'T.
CA: wwhat are the chances hed ALSO reciprocate my vvacillation
CA: must be pretty slim right
CA: maybe i shouldnt push it
CA: i dont evven havve it that bad right noww
CA: not by any stretch
CA: i think ill wwait and see
CG: IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT…
CA: thats the problem i dont evven understand it myself
CA: hes a piece of shit right
CA: kismesissitude is the quadrant that makes more sense for us
CA: the only one that does
CG: THEN GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT. YOU'RE NOT LYING IF YOU'RE FIGURING YOURSELF OUT.
CA: do you really think that
CG: YES.
CA: are you tellin me this as an advvisor or as a friend
CG: BOTH? YOU'RE NOT ON A DEADLINE, YOU JUST GOT TOGETHER. OR MADE OUT OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU MEANT BY "NOT SPELLING IT OUT VERBALLY".
CA: oh hes so good kar
CG: I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOW THE SPECIFICS, BUT CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING FUCKING LAID, I FIGURE.
CA: i didnt get laid but thanks
CA: so you and this davve human huh
CA: are you tellin him
CG: NO???
CA: do you plan on doin anythin about it at all
CG: ALSO NO???
CA: wwhatever happened to facin your problems and all that shit you just told me
CA: not big on followin your owwn advvice or somethin
CG: I'LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN I GET THERE.
CA: does he like you back
CG: IF I KNEW THAT, NOTHING WOULD STOP ME FROM TELLING HIM, DON'T YOU THINK?
CA: aside from your insecurities inexperience and inexistent seduction skills
CA: i guess not
CG: YOU'RE AN AIRHEAD AND A BASTARD, YOU KNOW THAT?
CA: he keeps flirtin ww you
CA: he said youre hot
CG: … MULTIPLE TIMES.
CA: see
CG: THAT'S *NOT* FLIRTING, HE'S JUST… PLAIN OUT WEIRD.
CA: i beg to differ
CA: i mean hes clearly a wweirdo
CA: but hes also into you
CA: and youre both obvviously too cowwardly to confess
CA: so if you dont make a movve youll be in a self imposed friend zone forevver wwhich is sad evven by my standards
CG: I'M DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION.
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT WE COULD BE TALKING ABOUT INSTEAD? THAT'S RIGHT, THE WEATHER. I'D RATHER TALK ABOUT THE FUCKING WEATHER THAN LISTEN TO YOUR HOT TAKES A SECOND LONGER.
CA: thats unfair considerin you basically monologued for an hour and i had to sit through it
CG: LIFE'S NOT FAIR, KID. THE FASTER YOU LEARN THAT, THE BETTER.
CA: wwhatevver
CA: so wwhats the plan tomorroww if you dont mind me askin
CG: DAVE'S APPARENTLY A DJ AND A RAPPER, HE'S GONNA SHOW ME HIS GEAR AND WE'LL WATCH A MOVIE.
CA: nice
CG: THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? NICE?
CA: i wwas gonna say it sounds like a lovvey dovvey time but then again i appreciate my life and bein alivve
CG: GOOD. I'LL PROCEED TO FORGET YOU EVEN SAID THAT.
CG: I THINK WE EXCEEDINGLY MET THE QUOTA OF SHARING OUR DEEPEST TROUBLES FOR A NIGHT AND I HAVE SOME ZS TO CATCH, SO…
CA: oh yeah
CA: i forget your sleep cycles fucked through and through because youre too busy bein swwept off your feet by an insufferable prick
CG: I SWEAR TO FUCKING *GOD*. THERE ARE NO CAPITAL LETTERS BIG ENOUGH FOR THE WAY I WANT TO SCREAM AT YOU.
CA: no need to be shy
CG: I'M NOT SHY, I JUST FUCKING HATE YOU.
CA: aww
CG: IF YOU COULD TONE DOWN THE INTENSITY FOR A DAY AND NOT HAVE SOME IDENTITY RELATED CRISIS WHILE I’M AWAY… I WILL GET BACK TO YOU WITHIN 5 BUSINESS DAYS.
CA: you better
CA: i wwant to hear all about your date
CG: IN YOUR DREAMS.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 02:07

Chapter Text

The big day came to be. Karkat didn’t want to look too desperate by planting himself at Dave’s door too early, but he was also too nervous to focus on, say, anything else, so he stalled for time sitting on a random bench halfway between their addresses.

It wasn’t long before he realized that he should have given that decision some more thought. The weather prediction had been spot on for once and a light rain was starting to seep into his clothes. The thing was that he had remembered to grab an umbrella, but it was so tiny that it was almost like a toothpick in his hands and, just like one, it barely did the job of keeping the downpour away.

"Goddammit, how can I be so fucking idiotic?" he internally lamented. "Why couldn’t I just wait at home quietly like a fucking big boy? No, I just couldn’t do that because my thinking sponge is approximately the size of a fucking pea! And I wear it so proudly on my stupid little head, which is hardly covered by my stupid little umbrella," he continued, for the lack of anything better to do. "Wait. Fucking egghead, what are your options now? Huh? Have you considered that? Exactly, it’s either go back like a dumbass or fucking obliterate your dignity and ask Dave for a spare shirt. But then again he’s petite as fuck! Which, good for him, I guess! But God fucking dammit."

His phone vibrated in his pocket just in time to save him from his inner monologue. It was Dave.

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:30

TG: morning bro
TG: just checking in to let you know that i already pushed all my shit under the bed so that the house looks if not choice at least inhabitable
TG: so feel free to get your rump over here at your convenience
CG: GREAT BECAUSE I’M CURRENTLY FREEZING SAID RUMP OFF IN THE STREET.
TG: why are you outside isnt it raining as we speak
CG: PRECISELY, STRIDER. IT’S RAINING AND MY CLOTHES ARE SOAKED. WHICH IS *WHY* MY HEAVENLY SCULPTED ASS IS FREEZING.
TG: well shit thats no good
TG: come over and well see about that
TG: brb ringing up the ass defrosting services
TG: the ass warming protocol is now in order
TG: if all else fails ill slap it myself with these hands until its fully cooked
CG: I THINK…
CG: I THINK IT WON’T COME DOWN TO THAT, BUT IT’S GOOD TO KNOW YOU’VE GOT ME, BRO.
TG: bro
TG: you know i got your back
TG: or your ass in this case but like whatever
CG: CRAP.
CG: RAIN'S GETTING HEAVIER, SEE YOU IN TEN.
TG: ok
TG: watch out for the wet floor yo
TG: we dont want any funky stair business

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:37

Karkat made haste once he'd gotten the green light. By the time he’d made it to Dave’s place, his umbrella had completely given out (a particularly strong gust of wind had turned it inside out) and he looked as wet and miserable as one would expect. His hair was usually a mess, but the rain and the wind had still done a remarkable number on it, so he spent some minutes attempting to tidy himself up at the door. Since Dave already knew he was a dumbass, he thought he might as well just get it over with and knock.

"If it isn’t the big man himself." Dave answered the door in less than three seconds, looking casual, but also suspiciously like he’d been standing there all along, waiting (which, in fairness, had been exactly the case). "Speaking of big, how’s that ass holding up? You actually look like shit."

"Did you just call me a fat ass? Wow, Dave. The party host in you just popped out, must be your time in retail," Karkat groaned in a hardly honest manner.

"You expect me to be politically correct? In my own turf? Nah, man, you’re in for some manifest hostility today," Dave laughed. "Come in, I’ll find you something dry to put on. You can leave your umbrella over there by the—"

"I think a trash can will do."

"Oh shit, poor bastard is completely wasted. First door to the right, then," Dave gave Karkat directions as he went further ahead. "Feel free to snoop around, I’ve got nothing to hide. Mostly because the bodies have already been taken care of," he joked from inside one of the rooms.

"The step from collecting dead stuff to straight up murdering people seems lateral at this point, so I’m not taking any fucking chances looking under your bed. Nope."

Karkat disposed of his umbrella and took the opportunity to look (not pry) around. Dave’s apartment was the most Dave thing he’d seen yet. It had that effortless hipster vibe with exposed brick walls and pallets everywhere. The walls were covered in questionable art (the most notable of which was a huge Obama pop art piece) and his interests were in an almost too casual display. He had more katanas than Karkat would consider a normal amount, a bunch of photography equipment (that made him positive that there was a darkroom somewhere) and an array of DJ gadgets (half of which he couldn’t even guess the names of). His passion for coffee was also tangible: he had not one, but multiple coffee machines and some tools that would make the ones at the store pale in comparison. Speaking of which, he had a Starboons shrine of sorts with what Karkat thought might be the company’s whole history in merchandise: mugs, cups, tumblers… He even had several bear figures and teddy bears with the brand’s characteristic green apron.

"What the—"

"I see the bearistas caught your eye." Dave was back, carrying a pile of folded clothes and a towel in his hands.

"Sorry, what? Bearistas? Am I hearing that right?" Karkat turned with an expression that was close to horror. "You collect teddy bears?"

"Correction, these teddy bears. Specifically. I mean, have you seen them? They’re bears and they’re baristas and that’s pretty much all there is to say on the matter."

"This is not even ironic, is it?"

"I would try to explain to you that the appropriate substratum of irony is one where legitimateness is blurred into the mix, but I’m—kind of a total geek and these are honestly cute as shit. So… Draw your own conclusions," Dave shrugged. "Oh, right. I hope these fit?" He handed the clothes over to Karkat.

"Thanks. Where should I put this…?" Karkat raised a plastic bag packed to the brim with DVDs.

"Bro, is that a bag full of romcoms? All of it?" Dave’s jaw almost dropped. Karkat nodded self-consciously. "You could have—I dunno—picked a couple?"

"Yeah, well… I couldn’t, so I thought I’d bring a few more suggestions… so we’d have options. Just in case."

"Oh my God, Karkat. You’re like a caricature of yourself. Gimme that," Dave snatched the bag from him.

"No, no. Hear me out, the vibes of these are completely different—"

"Aha. Let’s see your greatest hits selection. First up is…" Dave picked up the first movie of the pile. "… Never Been Kissed," he raised his eyebrows downright judgmentally and if Karkat wasn’t feeling regretful before… well, he was starting to.

"Okay, that one might be a little icky, but! Before you accuse me of fake wokeness or whatever, I understand how the setting is problematic. See, you might not believe it, but I’m a critical guy, Dave, and that sometimes entails appreciating a good kiss scene regardless of the several terrible high school takes before it."

"Man, I didn’t even get to say anything."

"Your eyebrows say enough."

"What are they saying, Karkat?" Dave wriggled his eyebrows like someone was testing his face rigging in the most disturbing way possible. "Does this speak to you?"

"It actually does. It tells me to stay the fuck away from you."

"Anyway. Next in line is… Drive Me Crazy." Dave flipped the case and read the summary diagonally, much to Karkat’s unease. "Which apparently doesn’t have any teacher-student grooming. Aw, bummer." Karkat actually smacked him. "Ouch! Okay, okay. Gay thoughts be gone, but this dude is—pretty fucking hot, actually. Wait. Isn’t he in The Devil Wears Prada? The boyfriend whose guts everyone hates?"

"Yes! That is indeed Adrian Grenier. God, The Devil Wears Prada is such a fucking classic."

"I don’t know about the rest, but I’m already pretty sold on this one."

"As you should. Fake dating is one of the best tropes out there and you know I’m right."

"Mm-hm. Runner up is I Love You, Man which is…" Dave squinted at the cover as if to scan the likelihood of gayness. "Ah, a good old bromance. A totally straight comedy for totally straight dudes, thank God."

"You sound disappointed."

"No, hey, I’m good. It’s just hitting me now that it’s sort of weird that all of these are so—"

"So…?"

"Heterosexual? I mean, these are all obviously human movies, I can see that, but like, you trolls swing both ways, right? If the swing represents your sexuality it goes so fucking hard you’re basically freeballing in it. Like, your boxers just couldn’t take the acceleration of that demonic thing and they blew right off while you were still capsizing—and that’s on how definitely not heterosexual you are as a species."

"What… the fuck are you even saying?"

"I literally have no clue, I guess you could say I'm having an identity crisis on your behalf. But it's all cool. Nothing against troll dudes being obsessed with human chicks. Unless you're actually projecting on said chicks… Oh man, isn't that it, though? Chicks watch these kinda flicks for the hot dudes… You watch these kinda flicks for the hot dudes. Cracked it."

"Dave, you're hurting yourself in your confusion and I don't feel well versed enough in the technicalities of human sexuality and romance to help you out."

"Wrong, I'm perfectly comfortable in my skin and I've had no doubts about anything ever."

"Riiight. Humans and their weird little homosexual crisis…" Karkat shrugged.

"Hashtag hot take, but at least we don't have to pull out 'em schedule wheels and fucking twister mats to know who we're supposed to be getting it on with every day of the week, bro."

"Oh my God, Dave, that's not how quadrants work. At all. Honestly, that is so factually wrong on so many fucking levels—" Karkat started.

"Feels bad, man. You should've brought a sermonizing troll romcom to educate my xenophobic ass," Dave interrupted. "That probably sounded insincere, but I think I might mean it. Draw me a chart, fucking school me. You'd probably like that, right?"

"… Teaching you?"

"Yeah, man. Make an enlightened man out of me. We could be all academic about it. Remember the The School of Athens fresco? Could be us, yo. I'll be the Aristotle to your Pluto—Plato, whatever the fuck."

"Philosophy is definitely not part of my expertise, but I can teach you a thing or two about quadrants whenever… Sure. I thought human romance would work better than troll romance for a first time viewing, but educational movie marathons could… become a thing… If we wanted," Karkat sputtered, feeling unjustifiably nervous about it.

"Cool. Absolutely," Dave agreed, rubbing his neck just as awkwardly. "—Maybe you should get changed before you catch a cold…?"

"Oh. You're right. I'll, uh, be back in a second." Karkat signaled at two doors as he recoiled, not knowing which one was the bathroom.

"Aight. Ah, yeah, it’s that door. Yeah—No, the other one… Yup, that's the one," Dave pointed. "Let me see what else you got here… Sweet Home Alabama, Employee of the Month… The Proposal."

"Don’t you dare to say anything about that one! Sandra Bullock is untouchable! Untouchable, you hear me!" Karkat shouted from the bathroom.

"Loud and clear. In this house we don't bad mouth Sandra Bullock. No sir."

Karkat examined what was about to become his outfit for the day as he towel-dried himself. Dave had chosen him a pair of loose black joggers and an oversized red tee with an embroidered Nike logo, which—no doubt—were the only clothes he’d deemed fit for him. Now, Karkat wasn’t a creep, but he couldn’t help noticing Dave’s smell embracing him as he rolled the tee over his shoulders. His heart thumped almost violently in his chest.

"Calm down. Calm the fuck down this goddamn instant, Karkat Vantas," he begged himself.

He came out rearranging his clothes over his not quite dry skin. It must have been less than a few seconds, but Dave stole a glimpse of his happy trail and the curve of his belly and blushed. Aggressively. Luckily for him, Karkat was still too focused on bringing his heart rate down to notice.

"Uh—Are those a good fit or…?" he asked as if he hadn’t just shamelessly checked his friend out and visually confirmed that the clothes were, indeed, a good fit.

"Yeah, these are—Yeah. Thanks."

"N-No prob," Dave readjusted his shades.

"I hung my stuff on the shower rail, by the way?"

"Oh. Of course, hang ‘em high, let ‘em dry."

"Mm-hmm," Karkat nodded. They idly stood there, staring at each other silently while deciding how to move on from that first awkward stage of their hangout. "So. Rain shenanigans aside, you were going to show me your sick mixing gear…?"

"… Hell yeah, let’s get to it." The blond walked up to his equipment, seemingly relieved. "Lemme demonstrate what these bad boys are capable of."

"You're gonna do it standing up?"

"Yup. First DJing lesson, how are you supposed to make the crowd jump if you’re sitting all passive on your ass? No energy means empty venues, so you better shake it up," Dave explained. "But since you’re only watching for now…" He spun a chair in Karkat's direction, inviting him to take a seat. "Make yourself comfortable."

"O—kay?" Karkat curiously sat beside him as he started fiddling with the setup. "What are those thingies? That’s way too many thingies." The table in front of them truly was an incomprehensible mess of cool looking gadgets and cables.

"Glad you asked. This babe is a discontinued Numark DJ in a box V6 and it’s all we need to start mixing. It’s not the standard anymore, but I roll with vinyls because—"

"Because you’re a hipster douche and a special snowflake?"

"—Because the feel is simply superior. But, since you seem to think I’m a special snowflake, someone has to boost vinyl sales in these trying times, bro. All I’m guilty of is attempting to save the economy."

"Ha, you fucking liar. You loot goods on The Pirate Bay like a goddamn kleptomaniac."

"Okay, but that’s different. I could argue that’s different," Dave raised his hands in an universal sign of surrender. "Anyway, could you stop dissing me for a second? I’m trying to teach you stuff here."

"Fine. Teach me then, oh great master. What’s the blue box supposed to be?"

"This is basically a sampling powerhouse. Specifically an Akai MPC 1000 sampler. You know, you sample drum sounds and shit and mess with them in real time. Something like this." Dave started messing with his samples. "See?"

"Ohhh! It sounds good already."

"Haha. Yeah, dude."

"Is the red thing also a sampler? Maybe I’m completely off track here, but it looks kind of similar."

"Nope, it’s a Behringer TD-3-RD… A synthesizer." Dave stopped whatever he was doing with the sampler to explain what a synth was and how it was different from the other device. Karkat listened with a frown of concentration, but he would be lying if he said he really understood any of it. "… Long story short: samplers rely on pre-recorded sound while synths produce it with oscillators. The differences are sort of blurred, though, so kudos for catching that."

"Hmmm… So sampling is less flexible, but simpler and synthesis is more flexible, but less simple… Then again, depending on the context—" Karkat's eyebrows continued creasing under the weight of too much knowledge in too little time.

"Don’t think too hard about it, your face looks like it's gonna implode on itself," Dave laughed, grabbing Karkat's face as if to sooth him. "Let's just forget about it, alright? You don't need to know the specs to vibe with me."

"Thank God."

"… Wanna try scratching?" Dave offered.

"The myeow-wick-wiki-week kind of scratching? I'm afraid of ruining your precious vinyls with my nails. You know, troll anatomy, hard stuff?"

"It'll be fine. I’ll show you what to do with your fingers—Uh… Yeah? Wait, no, I don’t really have to justify myself. That phrase was pure decorum in its context. Yup. Anyway, what should we mix?" The blond crouched down in front of his extensive vinyl collection.

"Hmmm… Oh, is that *NSYNC? That is so mainstream, Dave."

"What, I’m not immune to the allure of pop culture. Besides, you recognized the cover in about a nanosecond, so… Zugzwang bitch, we’re both cringeworthy."

"First of all, fuck you. Secondly, look no further, that’s my pick. Your turn."

"I see your cheap Backstreet Boys and raise you… them." Dave triumphantly pulled out a vinyl.

"… Beastie Boys! Right. Should have seen it coming."

"Bro, watch what you say about these absolute metamodernist legends. They’re eminences of conscious aloofness and notable frat boy mockers and they do all of that while flexing their MC mastery."

"I’m not even criticizing them, dude, they’re just so… you," Karkat laughed.

"You think so?" Dave tried sounding detached, but it was obvious how genuinely flattered he was.

"Sure. So, is this going to be our ‘set’? Am I saying that right?"

"Heh. Since it will probably lack structure, I’d call it a jam, but don’t let your dreams be dreams, I guess," Dave shrugged, placing both vinyls on their respective turntables. "Okay. Let’s just fuck around. Give me your hand."

"Uh… why?"

"So that you can grab my nuts, what do you think?" Dave shook his head. "Come on, man."

"Okay, okay. Show me the ways of the disk jockey," Karkat sighed, stiffly lending Dave his hand. For all his confident facade, Dave was as hesitant to take it.

"Press the disk down with your fingertips. Lightly. Like this…" he started guiding the troll’s hand. Karkat was painfully aware of Dave’s chest on his back, of his hot palm gently resting on the back of his hand. "Palm off the vinyl, by the way… Great. So, now that you’ve got that covered, there are various types of scratches. The most basic of which is the baby scratch. Think of it as a clock, we kick it at nine and bring it up to eleven. Then back to nine."

"Nine to eleven o’clock and back, got it."

"Let’s actually try it. Hitting start and—Hear that? The ‘ah-wa’ sound? Congrats, we just made a baby."

"Oh. This is easier than I expected?"

"Humility check, that’s the basics. Tier uno (probably not even uno, to be honest). The tricky part is finding your count and getting the tempo right. The more complex the scratch, the more important your hand positioning becomes. Got that?"

"Yessir."

"Now count me four. On your own… Again… Aaand again," Dave instructed along. Karkat complied and surprised himself by not only finding his count, but managing to keep it for four rounds straight. "Hell yeah, bro. We poppin’ champagne bottles after this. Give me five."

They high-fived at Karkat’s ‘proficiency’ and Dave showed him some more techniques and scratches. Soon enough they were jamming for real. The sound was sloppy when Dave stepped down and their attention kept shifting to their practically intertwined hands when he led Karkat, but they played the game right—like either of them truly cared about music at that point.

"Hey, Dave. ‘Dope’ jam and all, but how would you do it in front of an audience?"

"Like…?"

"Like, if you did a set."

"You want a demo?"

"Only if you want to show me."

"Sure. I’d usually have some kind of plan going in, like, what works together, what doesn’t… At least a general idea of what I’ll be mixing, but—See these stickers here?" Dave pointed at the Hot Sauce Committee Part Two vinyl, which was covered in colorful stickers. "These are visual cues. Notice how the *NSYNC vinyl doesn’t have any? This means I’m gonna be figuring out what to mix on the fly."

"And that’s a problem…?"

"Not exactly. I can pull it off, but I don’t know the track list on this one that well."

"The other one does look a lot more used," Karkat observed.

"Yeah, this album witnessed my first baby steps at turntablism," Dave explained. "I’ll keep it short, ‘kay? Let me get a quick feeling of it." Dave began trying to gain an understanding of the albums he’d be working with. He put on his earphones to check the sound, leaving one of his ears out of its corresponding ear cup.

"Damn, you actually look like a pro," Karkat commented. And he truly meant it.

"Maybe I should feel insulted, but thanks? … Without further ado, no talk run of *NSYNC for Beastie Boys…"

"Get to it, Strider. The crowd is getting restless as fuck."

"Chill out, here I go."

Karkat was shocked by how quickly Dave got in the right headspace for a performance. The almost squeaky intro of Make Some Noise started playing normally "Yeah. Get up. Yeah, uh…", then Justin Timberlake’s sort of smug voice cut in with a "Hey—yeah." (from Tearin’ Up My Heart) that invited the Beastie Boys to go down their usual I-don’t-give-a-damn pipeline. Then it was a seamless dialogue between both groups.

"… B-b-believe this… It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you, but when we are apart, I feel it too… And no matter what, a-a-and no matter what I do I—burn the competition like a flamethrower. My rhymes age like wine as I get older. I'm getting bolder, competition is waning. I got the feeling and assume the lane and—B-baby I don't understand, just why we can't be lovers… I got the feeling and assume the lane and—just why we can’t be lovers…"

Karkat couldn’t stop himself from gawking at Dave as he took a scratchier approach to the remix. His hands moved incredibly quickly across the turntables, but his split-second precision and his relaxed demeanor—he was bobbing his head to the rhythm and tapping his thigh lightly whenever one of his hands wasn’t needed—made it look like the world had just decided to spin faster around him. The troll had been skeptical at first, but he was truly becoming entranced by Dave’s charms.

The blond raised his eyes for a moment and offered Karkat a breathy smirk. It wasn’t one of superiority, but one of satisfaction at a job well done.

"Bro, there really isn’t a drop of rhythm in you. You ain’t gonna dance… not even a little bit? I’m giving you my all here," he complained as he continued to turn knobs and slide faders (or whatever it was that he was doing).

"I'd rather continue to sit on my ass, thanks. You’re doing good, though."

"You like it?"

"Yeah. Totally. Pristine execution, I'm impressed, etcetera," Karkat affirmed. Seeing as Dave didn’t take his eyes off him, he felt compelled to elaborate. "Pinky swear, I might be stiff as a flag pole, but I’m having a monumental time."

"Come on, Karkat… A foot tap. I’ll settle for a foot tap," Dave tried to bargain.

"Dave, these things happen organically. If you're looking at me I might stomp on my own foot and the next thing we know is we’re rushing to the goddamn ER. I’m on a waiting list for foot fracture surgery, the guilt is slowly consuming you. Needless to say, the day is ruined. Which could have been avoided if only you left the beat deaf asswad alone."

"Look at that, seeing you dance just became a top priority on my bucket list."

"Sorry? Your what list?"

"Right. Sorry," the blond rolled his eyes. "My ‘wish receptacle’ list."

"That’s better. In any case, no, I’m not dancing. And you’re most definitely not seeing it. Ever."

"Come on, bro… " Dave shook his head and went back to DJing for a while longer.

"Here we go one more time, everybody’s feeling fine. Here we go now… Yes, yes yes, here we go!"

"PSA." Dave reached for another *NSYNC album—No Strings Attached—and switched it with the other one calmly. "Prepare for landing cause I’m gonna wreck the place. Burn down the whole airport, call that a rotiss-air-ie."

Dave continued to flex his skills by scratching with his hand behind his back. The closure came hand in hand with Bye, Bye, Bye. "I know that I can't take no more… It ain't no lie. I want to see you out that door. Baby bye, bye, bye… Bye, bye."

Karkat didn’t know if clapping was proper etiquette for the context, so he clapped his hands together once and nodded exactly like a renowned critic would after a particularly satisfying meal at a three-Michelin-star restaurant. In hindsight, clapping normally would have been less awkward. Dave silently laughed at him.

"Do I get your seal of approval or what?" he asked.

"I haven’t heard you rap yet, but I’ll give it to you. For now. On account of good behavior."

"I told you I was the shit, bro. A true neo Renaissance man. Told you so."

"Might as well grow a beard and start calling yourself… Daveinci. Get it? Dave. da Vinci… Daveinci."

"That was bad on its own, but the fact that you had to explain it… That’s a big yikes from me, dawg." Dave put his albums back on the shelf. "In any case… You hungry? I’ve got some pizza in the freezer waiting for us whenever."

"You’re the boss, you lead the way. What’s a hangout without some grossly trashy food intake, anyway?"

"Exactly. It maximizes the experience."

They sat on the couch to eat. The pizza was remarkably unremarkable, but they had become too invested in dissing art school and movie snobs (like neither label applied to them) to care. The atmosphere between them felt new, but Karkat couldn’t put his finger on what was different about it. Perhaps it was the casualness of their touch or the fact that they could stare at each other without any pretext, without time restraints or a screen between them. Perhaps it was the constant warmth in their cheeks or the rumble in their hearts as they chatted.

"So you’re going to make me a diss track. That’s your master plan."

"Can you take a little roast, Mister Sensitive Ripped Jobs?"

"I put up with you every day, what’s a little slam poetry gonna do to me?"

"Aight then. Wanna go?" Dave put his plate down and picked up his laptop in its place.

"You bet your ass I wanna go."

"The thing about dissing is that you gotta aim where it stings, but I don’t want to be a huge dick, so if you see me throwing punches that don’t land anywhere in particular… that’s just me sparing your dignity the fall." The human started looking for an appropriate hip-hop base.

"What’s that? All I’m hearing is an admission of guilt."

"… And what is it that I’m guilty of, exactly…?" he asked distractedly.

"Of sucking ass at dissing?"

"Bruh, I changed your mind about coffee. Watch me shut you up with my flawless lyric weaponry."

"By all means, the floor is all yours. You can start whenever. Like, really, no rush whatsoever… It's not like I came all the way here for this particular event."

"Shhh. Legend’s working, don’t disturb." He continued fiddling with the base.

"You’re so lame…" Karkat rolled his eyes.

"You’re so lame. La-la-lame…" Dave played back Karkat’s voice.

"Wh—?"

"Now we’re talking … Hit. It." And without any more preamble, he started rapping for real.

"Kitty kat here thinks I’m so lame,

dude just can't live up to my name.

If talking shit is the end game,

I'll make you run the walk of shame.

I’m the king, I spit hellfire,

damn, you wish it would backfire,

but event’s so epoch-making,

you might find it devastating.

The truth is that I'm so versatile,

that shit's about to get hostile.

Do you have what it takes, Karkat,

to overcome this coup d'etat?

Word out there is you like chick flicks,

I bet you fall for all them dicks,

Hollywood douchebags with nice hair,

lines so cheesy it ain't fair.

Well, empty quadrants are your deal,

your self-loathing you can’t conceal.

How’s life up in fort tortoiseneck,

you're as grumpy as fucking Shrek.

Texas pales next to your ass,

‘cause it’s fatter than a landmass.

Is that your voice or did ya screech?

Your full face frown gives quite the speech.

Horns so small I call them Frodo,

pants so high I might hit a low.

I think it’s time for the main course,

that’s right, bro, here comes the last verse:

Your bravado's your placebo,

got some news for you, amigo,

put a bandaid to your ego,

stub your toe on all these—leegos.

Eugh, screwed that one up, yo. Let's just wrap it up here."

"My ego is essentially unaffected, but damn, that’s some drip you’ve got there. I’m genuinely impressed." Karkat nodded approvingly.

"Eh, it’s not my best work, but you get the drift."

"Don’t be humble, you roasted me pretty good." Karkat nudged him chummily. "My ass isn’t that fat, by the way. You keep saying it’s fat, but it’s perfectly well-proportioned."

"Nothing to argue there, bro. The cake you’re packing actually follows the golden ratio. Pure mathematical perfection. I’ve checked."

"… Aha. And what was that you said about my horns…?"

They continued to mess around throughout the day, blissfully oblivious to the heavy rain outside. When the sun started descending, they nestled barefoot on the couch and prepared for their long awaited movie marathon, bowl of popcorn at the ready. The casualness wasn’t as it appeared, though: they had suddenly become so painfully mindful of each other that they had sat as far apart as the space allowed, their backs straining from the tension.

Their first movie pick was, unsurprisingly, Drive Me Crazy, starring Melissa Joan Hart and Adrian Grenier.

"Hey, bro, if my running commentary annoys you, feel free to elbow me in the ribs. Repeatedly. As many times as needed," Dave proposed.

"It’s fine, Strider, if I was put off by your logomania I would have muzzled you by now."

"Oh, kinky. There we go, then." Dave pressed play. Not even a minute into the movie, he had already found something worth commenting. "Shut. Up. Did this kid just call her friend’s mom a slut?"

"Technically, she said it’s the outfit that’s a little slutty, not her mom. Which is… still inappropriate, I guess."

"Mm-hm," Dave agreed. "I see we have a single mom, single dad situation… Wait. Is the mom—Is the mom banging the dad or am I tripping?" he asked as the characters clearly flirted on screen. "Oh, nevermind."

The movie continued introducing the characters and conflict. By the time they had reached the token 90s makeover scene, Dave and Karkat had both let their guards down, too invested in the screen to freak out about how close or how far they were sitting from each other. Or that was until they reached for the same popcorn at the same time and their fingers touched.

"Shit, sorry," Dave was the first to draw his hand back. "Lady And The Tramp much?"

"Yeah. Minus accordion music." Karkat hesitantly brought the popcorn to his mouth.

"Because that’s obviously the most significant difference."

"Eh…"

"Yeah, moving on."

On screen, Nicole and Chase had already begun their fake date master plan. They’d just successfully made it out of a basketball game and were triumphantly walking back to Chase’s car.

"Masterful," Nicole commented.

"What?" Chase turned his head, his leather jacket half way on.

"You really had me going in there! ‘Go, fight, win!’ … I about choked. I bow down to the king of scams." She did a graceful curtsy.

"I’d like to thank the Academy. Thank you. Thank you."

"Think you could stand any more?"

"Well, what did you have in mind?"

"Cruising Broad Street."

"Really, Nicole? Cruising Broad Street to display your boy toy?" Dave whistled. "How romantic."

"Shhh, don’t be so sure about that," Karkat smacked him a bit more energetically than was necessary. The movie proved him right, though, the car scene—which had the main characters dancing and laughing to Reo Speedwagon’s Keep On Loving You—was one of the first genuine moments they shared. Before long they wouldn’t be pretending.

Since Karkat had watched the movie approximately a million times, he grabbed the chance to steal side glances at Dave as the plot unfolded. His face was his usual brand of impartiality, but the troll had learned to tell his minimal expressions apart over time and he keenly searched his profile for reactions. He seemingly had a lot of opinions about everything, but to his credit, his comments were actually quite witty.

Dave, for his part—and in a similar fashion—stared at Karkat whenever his attention was totally focused on the screen (neither of them wanted to be discovered in the longing gaze game, after all). When the main characters had their first heart to heart Karkat’s eyes got suspiciously glossy, but Dave couldn’t pluck up the courage to hand him a handkerchief before the scene was over.

The occasion rearised as the ending neared. Chase finally walked up to Nicole at the Centennial dance. The fake dating trope was about to be dethroned after an hour and half worth of scams, petty lies, social posing, misunderstandings galore and even some broken hearts and friendships.

"Actually, I was gonna ask to dance with you." Chase confessed. Time seemed to freeze in the blue light of the venue, The Donnas playing distantly in the background.

"Really?" Nicole couldn’t believe what she was hearing. They made their way to the center of the dance floor, hand in hand. "So, who are we making jealous?"

"Everyone, Nicole. Everyone," he affirmed. And they started slow dancing. Nicole’s fingers threaded their way into her friend’s hair, their bodies swaying to the music, pressed so close together that their noses almost touched. For once, they were without a care for what the rest of the school thought of them.

An audible—yet restrained—sniffle escaped Karkat. He was clutching his shirt with an iron grip, eyes now actually wet with emotion.

"Hey, man, you okay there…?" Dave nudged him, snickering softly.

"S-shut your face, I’m not crying, it’s this blue light that’s making me—"

"Bro, I ain’t judging you. You wanna cry your heart out at a cheesy prom scene, you cry your heart out at a cheesy prom scene. Here, take this. Let it aaall out… That’s right." He handed him a handkerchief and even managed to ‘casually’ scoot closer to him and rub his arm in consolation. Karkat muttered an embarrassed ‘thank you’.

Dave didn’t move away once the scene was over because Karkat didn’t seem to mind the arm around him or their thighs touching. Then again he was kind of busy loudly blowing his nose. Still suave. Still a Strider victory.

"Here it comes…" Karkat actually sat up for the incoming kiss scene. He thoughtlessly grabbed Dave’s thigh and the latter thought he might spontaneously combust any second, but he kept a collected facade.

"I don’t know that I’ve ever been walked to my door before," Chase commented as he and Nicole arrived at their neighboring homes.

"Oh, well, I rented the limo. I get to be the guy," she laughed.

"Oh yeah?"

"Mm-hm," she nodded.

"So, I guess that makes me the girl, huh?"

"Right." They stopped at the doorstep. The intimacy of the moment building up.

"Well, Nicole I…" he started coily, doing a frankly cheap impersonation of Nicole. Or her supposed femininity. "I had a really lovely time. Call me?"

"Yeah, whatever," she answered in a manly detached tone, rolling her eyes for added virility. Chase laughed.

"Oh, look, it’s an impression of you," Karkat told Dave.

"What? I don’t sound like that."

"Sh, sh," he shushed him with an expectant thigh tap.

"Yeah, I know. Kiss scene, right?"

Watching a full face make out while being glued to each other was a lot more nerve-racking than either of them anticipated. If it wasn’t for the fact that it’d be way too obvious, Karkat would have drawn his hand back and Dave would have retreated to the safety of his corner of the couch, his arm as far from Karkat as physically possible, alas… they really didn’t want to bring the focus to their proximity, so they tried to keep a straight face for the long, long ten seconds the kiss lasted. Their faces were practically sizzling.

Thankfully, the following scene where the main couple—unnecessarily, if one might add—found out that they were about to become step-siblings was like a bucket of cold water. Dave actually threw his hands up in the air, his face contorted in a genuine looking grimace.

"No. Okay, I’ve officially had it with this movie now. Their parents were shagging for real? Oh my God, who thought this would be a good idea? Who was like ‘yeah, sure, let’s make this happen. There’s no way this makes anyone uncomfortable, right?’, like, literally, what the fuck’s up with this ending? It’s awkward as shit."

"What, why?" Karkat raised an eyebrow.

"Don’t ‘what, why’ me, Karkat. You know damn well which lines this is crossing," Dave shook his head, still in denial.

"No, I don’t?"

"Don’t make me say it, man. Don’t make me say they’re gonna be siblings."

"Oh. Well, excuse me for not flipping my shit, but I honestly don’t see the issue, Dave. They’re not even biologically related."

"Ugh, bro, that doesn’t matter. It’s still weird. Sort of creepy, kind of really fucking deviant. Can you imagine how awkward sex ED talks are going to be in that household? I guess you can’t because trolls apparently don’t give a shit about incest."

"Okay, hold your nookhumping hoofbeasts. I’m trying to be culturally sensitive here, but there’s literally no blood connection between Nicole and Chase. There just isn’t, therefore it isn’t incest," Karkat affirmed. Dave groaned out of frustration.

"Hhh," Dave hissed. "Say these two have a kid, you really don’t see anything wrong with that picture."

"Uh…"

"Let’s break it down for the human culture toddler in the room (that’s you). Following the scenario I just presented and presuming you actually know the family vocabulary to get through this exercise: who are this hypothetical kid’s parents?"

"Pft, that’s easy. Nicole and Chase."

"Okay. Next: who are this kid’s grandparents?"

"That would be… Nicole’s divorced parents and Chase’s father, right?"

"Right. You get a fucking sticker. Let’s jump straight to the Schrödinger taboo: normally your partner’s parents are in-laws, but since this particular couple’s biological kids are bonning they’ve just simultaneously become their step-parent’s step-children and children-in-law. You could overlook how twisted this sounds already, but then you throw a baby into the mix and you realize that this poor fucker is both their parent’s child and their parent’s nibling (which is a nephew or a niece, but like, gender neutral). Come on, bro, don’t tell me that doesn’t sound even a little weird to you."

"Nope, it really doesn’t. Sorry, Dave."

"I’m straight up getting PTSD just imagining this miserable lil dude having to draw a family tree for school and you don’t care. You just don’t care."

"Sounds about… right. I'm currently in the middle of hoarding all my fucks. I’m single handedly destabilizing the economy with all these fucks I’m not giving," Karkat shrugged. "I made my peace with the fact that I will never truly comprehend your alien sounding concepts of incest and family. And let me tell you why: you keep making up words for every conceivable connection between yourselves and other humans, but it’s literally just made up words. Third cousin once removed this, great-great-grandparent that… Who cares! It’s all fake! Most of it doesn’t even make sense, let’s get real."

"Bro, that’s not so interculturally tactful of you."

"You’re not offended, don’t pretend to be."

"I mean, you skipped offending me and went straight for my whole ancestry. Gotta applaud you for that."

"See? You actually just really enjoy being at the heart of controversy."

"… Cause it feels so empty without me," Dave hummed, like he had been momentarily possessed by Eminem. "Yeah. Caught me. It’s just the two of us right now, but I’m totally flying off the handle for clout."

"Honestly, could be one of your ironic mind games. I never know with you."

"Haha. I think you’re starting to get it, though."

"Anyway, wokeness or lack thereof aside. Should we watch another movie?" Karkat suggested. "It’s still reasonably early."

"Go right ahead, I can go all night." Dave paused. "Uh—Let me go grab a drink first. Want something?"

"Whatever you’re getting is good."

"Gotcha, homie." Dave disappeared into the kitchen and came back with two cartons of apple juice. "I know this looks lame, but I just realized I’m fresh out of drinks."

"No problemo. Works for me," Karkat laughed.

"Really? It’s either this or coffee, but I’m guessing you don’t drink the stuff on your days off."

"Apple juice is fine."

"Cool." Dave sat down, stabbed both cartons and handed one over to Karkat.

"Thanks. I was capable of that much, though."

"Hosting duties, bro."

Their next movie of choice was The Proposal, starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds.

The viewing was as bumpy and anxiety-inducing as the first one, but they were both a lot more welcoming to physical closeness this time around. So much so that their shoulders were now pressed together, their thighs practically climbing one to another. They didn’t even flinch anymore when their hands accidentally met in the infamous popcorn bowl.

They might have been getting used to it, but they both missed a good number of scenes—if not half of the movie—just mulling over the possibility of nonchalantly resting their head on the other’s shoulder or holding each other’s hand.

"Would that be weird? The mood feels sort of right. If only I reached for his—" Karkat unclenched his fist, mind half set on either going for it or fleeing the scene in a panic. "Oh my God. Oh my fucking God. Should I just—"

"Oh, we’re really in it now." Dave butted his head against Karkat’s shoulder, effectively interrupting his thoughts.

"Sorry, what are we really in now?" he asked distractedly.

"Unresolved sexual tension."

"W-what?" Karkat practically shrieked. Could it be that Dave knew what he was thinking?

"The movie, Karkat. You know, the gruesome, stark naked wrestling that’s currently unraveling before our very eyes." Dave pointed a finger at the screen, where Margaret and Andrew were, indeed, all over each other in a rather naked and wet state of affairs.

"Oh," Karkat breathed out in relief.

"Oh!" Margaret screamed. She’d just landed on Andrew after pulling off a masterful escape plan from the bathroom, where she had just been besieged by the smallest, least threatening dog in existence.

"Oh my God!" he screamed back, similarly dumbfounded.

"Why are you naked—?! My God!"

"—Oh God, why are you wet?!" They scrambled in an attempt to find something to cover themselves up with.

"Oh my God! Don’t look at me!"

"I don’t understand! Why are you wet!"

"Why are you naked! Don’t look at me," she demanded yet again, when it was really her who was looking at him (not that he didn’t check her out as well because he totally did). "Oh, God! You’re showing everything. Cover it up, for the love of God!"

"That’s a whole lot of plot happening right now in this movie," Dave laughed. "This scene? All raw plot."

"The plot is so raw, in fact, that it hasn't even been written yet," Karkat joked.

"Yeah, dude, Gordon Ramsayed the shit out of that one."

"Okay, shut your trap now, the next scene is decisive."

"Can hardly wait… Actually: are you going to cry on me again? Maybe I should preventively prepare a handkerchief."

"Oh, shut up. Like you never get emotional."

"Nope. Never. I'm like Tom Hardy in Mad Max. Only without 'em kissable Princess Peach lips."

"Shhhh. It's coming, it’s coming."

The unfortunate couple finally had a moment of connection and vulnerability. Margaret got to show her humanity as she opened up to Andrew, who’d refused to let her in on his problems with his father, but was listening intently. She was not the stone cold boss she’d appeared to be at first. Andrew was just now beginning to realize that.

Karkat gulped. Inspired by Margaret’s initiative (but a good fifteen minutes later), he slid his hand on top of Dave’s. His heart was beating so fast that he feared it would escape out of his mouth. Dave flinched under him, then was completely still.

"Why is he not reacting at all? Should I play it off as a piss break?" Karkat panicked. "Uh." Since he couldn’t find the words—or the strength in his legs to dart off, for that matter—he looked at Dave out of the corner of his eye and… he was blushing. Hard. In fact, he looked even more jittery than Karkat was feeling. And that was saying something. "Are you—"

Before he could finish the sentence, Dave hesitantly turned his hand and interlocked their fingers. Now it was Karkat who shied away from his stare. He did squeeze back a little, hoping that it would be enough confirmation that he had, indeed, been meaning to hold hands.

Neither of them really processed the thrill of the motorboat sequence that was currently taking place on screen. Their hands were pulsating so wildly that they could physically feel each other’s heartbeats. They were also a bit slippery from the cold sweat they’d both just broken in, but they remained clasped together still. Karkat couldn’t get over how small Dave’s hand was in his.

Needless to say that the rest of the romantic comedy was a blur of awkward coffs and even more awkward thumb caresses. At some point they recovered their voices and picked up the cineforum discussions, trying their hardest to get the sense of normalcy back.

"Miss Tate," Jordan signaled at Margaret to look behind her. Andrew had followed after her to make things right. The end was unraveling fast.

"Yes. What? What?" She turned. Her expression almost dropped.

"Hey…" Andrew whispered more than he spoke. "Hey."

"… Andrew." She looked around, everyone at the office was expectant. "Why are—Why are you… panting?"

"Because I’ve been running." He slowly approached her.

"Really. From Alaska?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Yeah, well… I don’t have time to talk. I need to catch a 5:45 to Toronto." She turned to Jordan again, like she could really disengage with the situation. "I need the boxes to go out today."

"Margaret."

"—I want to make sure everything is—"

"Margaret! Stop talking!" he shouted. "Gotta say something."

"Okay."

"This will just take a sec."

"Fine. What?"

"Three days ago I loathed you. I used to dream about you getting hit by a cab… Or poisoned."

"Oh, that’s—that’s nice."

"Yeah, I told you to stop talking," he repeated. "Then we had our little adventure up in Alaska and things started to change. Things changed when we kissed. And when you told me about your tattoo." Margaret was close to tears. "Even when you checked me out when we were naked." The whole office went ‘aw’ for whatever reason.

"Well, I didn’t see anything," she tried.

"Yeah, you did. But I didn’t realize any of this until I was standing alone… In a barn. Wifeless. Now, you can imagine my disappointment when it suddenly dawned on me that the woman I love is about to be kicked out of the country."

Their eyes locked intensely.

"So, Margaret," Andrew continued. He took another step forward. "Marry me. Because I’d like to date you." Again, everyone at the publishing company was delighted. Margaret just shook her head.

"Trust me. You don’t really want to be with me."

"Yes, I do."

"See, the thing is there is a reason why I’ve been alone all this time. I’m comfortable that way and I think it would just be a lot easier if we forgot everything that happened and I just left."

"You’re right," he agreed and cut the remaining distance that separated them. "That would be easier."

"I’m scared," she whispered with tears in her eyes.

"Me too," he agreed once more. He dumped his jacket and kissed her.

Karkat had momentarily managed to forget his current situation with Dave, completely taken by the romanticism of the scene. A light pull of his hand was the reminder he needed. He turned just in time to see him draw closer… and closer. And his heart stopped. Was Dave about to kiss him?

The answer was—evidently—yes, but their faces stopped some inches short from making it happen.

"IT’S—IT’S NOT LIKE I WAS EXPECTING YOU TO KISS ME OR ANYTHING," Karkat basically yelled, too nervous to adjust his voice to the non-existent distance between them. Dave covered his face in embarrassment.

"Oh my God, I was going to, but now I’m self conscious," he confessed.

"God fucking dammit!" Karkat tried hiding behind his hand as well, but Dave resolutely grabbed it in his and… not so resolutely continued not to kiss him. "Do it… Just do it." he almost begged.

"Are you sure about—"

"YES."

"I mean, I’m just—You sure?"

"ARGH, HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO—"

"Karkat, bro—"

"—KISS ME, STRIDER. DON’T BE A COWARD," Karkat resorted to egging him on, like he was any braver. Dave actually scoffed.

"Dude. I’m not a coward, I’m just making sure we’re good to go…" he excused himself. "A man’s gotta establish his bro is up to some face eating before he throws his hat into the ring and does it. You know. It’s still going to happen: faces will be brutally cannibalized, bros will be all tender about it… but there’s a natural order to things, ya feel."

"MY HEART IS GONNA BEAT OUT OF MY CHEST. OF ALL TIMES, CAN THIS ONE NOT BE THE ONE WHERE YOU DECIDE TO WORD PUKE THE WEIRD STUFF IN YOUR MIND?" the troll groaned. "COME. ON. DO IT, DAVE. HOLD MY FACE. PRESS YOUR LIPS AGAINST MINE TENDERLY. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!"

"I want to, but—" Dave started.

"THEN DO IT. WHAT’S STOPPING YOU FROM DOING IT? WHY WON’T YOU JUST DO IT?"

"Will you—Will you stop screaming at me for a sec?" Dave finally yelled back, encouraged by Karkat’s anxious energy. "You’re making me nervous as fuck with your shouting. Do you think this is how I wanted it to go? Huh? Does it look like I’m enjoying myself right now? You’ve got me in a death grip, I’m fucking sweating like a goddamn bomb disposal technician. And on top of it all—you won’t let me think for a fucking second with your fucking shouting! SO, LET ME THINK, KARKAT. JUST LET ME THINK FOR A SECOND."

"UGH! DAVE, IT’S YOU WHO’S GRIPPING MY HANDS! IT’S LITERALLY YOU WHO'S DOING IT!"

"I’M NOT DOING SHIT!"

"DAVE. PLEASE. STOP FREAKING OUT FOR A MOMENT SO WE CAN—"

"EASY FOR YOU TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE FLIPPING YOUR SHIT TO HIGH HEAVEN," Dave continued to scream. "HONESTLY, THOUGH. WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO DO IT? YOU DO IT. YOU SHUT ME UP."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘SHUT YOU UP’, DO I JUST GO FOR IT?"

"YEAH, MAN, TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM. SINCE YOU’RE SO EAGER," Dave groaned. "Wait," he lowered his voice. "We’re still talking about smooching, right?"

"DEAR BABY JEGUS, WE'RE MAKING THIS MORE TORMENTING THAN IT FUCKING NEEDS TO BE. YES, WE’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT SMOOCHING AND I'M BEYOND PISSED THAT WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING NORMALLY. EVER. NO, FUCKING MAKE IT THE EVENT OF THE YEAR! MAKE IT AS AWKWARD AND CRINGEY AS YOU CAN! I'M LITERALLY AGING BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT. SOON I'LL BE A REPULSIVE RAISIN AND YOU'LL BE KISSING MY GRAVESTONE. YES. MY GRAVESTONE, DAVE, BECAUSE YOU'RE KILLING ME. YOU'RE ACTUALLY KILLING ME, DAVE."

"Karkat, the mood… We're losing it…"

"WELL, WE'RE ALREADY IN IT NOW. YOU WANT ME TO SHUT MY GOB? MAN UP AND SEE WHAT YOU STARTED THROUGH THE END, YOU WRITHING DICKHEAD!"

"Aight. Okay. You wanna see it through, we'll fucking see it through." Dave menacingly grabbed Karkat's face with both hands, resolution burning behind his shades.

"W-wait!"

"Wha—What now, didn't you just say—?"

"Uh, no, it's—the teeth, mind the teeth, okay?"

"… Kay. Reasonable request. Come here, already." Dave pulled Karkat forward and pressed their lips together. Finally. Softly. Still unsure of it.

Karkat's hands automatically traveled up to Dave's chest—which was hammering just like his—and further up into his hair. His undercut was recent and it was impossibly satisfying to touch. Dave followed the lead, threading his fingers into Karkat's dark hair, tracing the trail from neck to back and making him shiver.

Dave's shades were on the way and Karkat accidentally bit his lower lip a couple of times, but they didn't really mind it. In the silence of the kiss they had found each other's bodies… and boy, did they speak of their longing!

Still, Karkat was confused. Even as they kissed, he was confused.

"Is it mutual? He's kissing me, alright, but does it mean he likes, likes me back? What if I'm reading too far into it? What if—"

"Shit, b-bro—Hang on, I'm out of breath." Dave pulled away, his arms still dangling off Karkat.

"Y-yeah. Me too." Up close, Karkat could make out his friend’s eyes. The curiosity got the best of him and he headlessly outreached for the shades that were blocking his view. "Can I…?" he thought of asking a bit too late.

"Oh, um… Sure. Yeah."

Karkat pulled them up over his head and he was met with the red stare that he was certain he’d find. His heart raced once again, how could a pair of eyes be so red? Why did finally seeing them feel like a privilege? He didn’t stare for long, though, instead pulling Dave for another kiss.

And before he knew when or how it’d happened; he was back at his hive, head still hazy from the rollercoaster of emotions he’d just put himself through, cheeks still warm from kissing. The rain had stopped.

He was wearing the clothes Dave had lent him (his hadn’t dried out in the end) and he couldn’t distinguish where his scent ended and where Dave’s started. He held the shirt close to his heart. His stomach kept lurching at the memories, full of both dread and bliss.

He couldn’t recall what he’d said exactly—nor the face Dave was making, but he did remember making excuses so that they didn’t have to verbalize anything just yet. And then he’d fled the scene. Just like that.

A lot of his favorite romcoms tackled the issue of defining a relationship with varying degrees of success, but experiencing it all first hand was a lot more terrifying than he could have ever imagined. It was not that he doubted his feelings for Dave—that bridge had already been crossed—but he felt like he had arrived at a crossroad: he didn’t know what lay ahead of them if they were to date (if this was even what was happening), but what he was certain of was of how much Dave’s friendship meant to him. And he didn’t want to ruin that.

"Oh, Strider, what have we gotten ourselves into?"

He breathed in his scent.

"Shit. I love him. I really love him," he lamented out loud.

Oh well, he’d worry about facing Dave later. Later meaning the moment reality kicked in for real, in the meantime… he had a whole date to mentally play back. Second by second. He got changed and jumped inside his recuperacoon. The feeling of Dave’s lips on his was so fresh in his mind that it made them tickle still. And with those memories swirling around his head, he fell asleep.

Chapter Text

When push came to shove, Karkat couldn't sleep a wink. He woke up in the middle of the night, anxiety crawling its way out of his head and into the rest of his body.

He should feel euphoric, right? There was literally no reason not to be. He'd finally mustered up the courage to hold Dave's hand and he'd answered with a kiss. A kiss, for God's sake! That was not something friends did! It had to be reciprocal… it just had to.

He heard his phone buzzing distantly, the sound muffled by the soft sopor slime. He emerged from his recuperacoon, the drowsiness from unfulfilled rest still heavy on his muscles.

"Who the hell is trolling me at this hour?"

The telltale of purple felt like a kick to his stomach.

"Ugh, what does he want?" he groaned, but completely sat up regardless.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 05:50

CA: wwakey wwakey lovvedovve
CG: ???
CG: WHY?
CG: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THIS? THERE ARE LITERALLY MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF POSSIBLE WORD COMBINATIONS OUT THERE AND THIS IS THE ONE YOU CHOOSE TO TYPE.
CA: wwhat can i say
CA: i quite enjoy gettin a rise outta you
CA: and you take the bait evvery single time so
CA: if anythin you should blame yourself for enablin me
CG: WELL, MISSION FUCKING ACCOMPLISHED. READING YOUR STUPID WORDS FIRST THING AFTER OPENING MY EYES IS LIKE…
CG: LIKE TRYING TO COME UP WITH A COMPARISON WITH HALF OF MY BRAIN POWER. THAT IS: EXHAUSTING AND ABSOLUTELY ENRAGING!!!
CA: wweak rethoric game today kar
CG: YES, BECAUSE I JUST WOKE UP, FUCKASS.
CG: DID YOU WANT ANYTHING OR…?
CA: as it happens yeah
CA: i wwas thinkin
CG: YOU??? THINKING??? THIS SOUNDS IMPLAUSIBLE ALREADY.
CA: okay fuck you for sayin that
CG: WHAT. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
CA: its been a wwhile since wwevve mingled face to face right
CG: HONESTLY, JUST SAY YOU WANT TO STICK YOUR GOSSIPY NOSE UP IN MY BUSINESS AND GO.
CA: youre not entirely wwrong
CA: but i wwas actually hopin youd stick yours in mine
CG: OH.
CG: OHHHH.
CG: MY BAD. HAVING TROUBLE IN PARADISE?
CA: i dont knoww
CA: can wwe talk in person
CA: say wwednesday night
CG: YOU’RE SCARING ME, MAN. DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?
CA: wwhats so wweird about me wwantin to catch up wwith a friend
CG: THE WAY YOU’RE DEFLECTING MY QUESTIONS WITH MORE QUESTIONS, FOR ONE.
CA: look do you wwanna meet or not
CG: ERIDAN.
CA: oh for mercys sake nothin happened
CA: i just wwant your insight and i think itd be neat if wwe caught up thats all
CG: OKAY. I SEE WE’RE NOT PROGRESSING PAST THAT POINT.
CG: TIME, PLACE?
CA: howw about 21 my hivve
CG: BIGGEST, FATTEST SIGH. RICH PEOPLE GIVE ME (NO PUN INTENDED) HIVES, BUT FINE. I’LL BE THERE AT YOUR TACKY ASS VILLA.
CA: its not a vvilla its a penthouse suite you uncultured swwine
CA: a pied a terre if you wwill
CA: get it right
CG: AH, OF COURSE. EXCUSE MY IGNORANCE ON ESTATE SEMANTICS.
CA: youre excused just dont make that same mistake again
CA: by the wway i havvent forgotten about your date but im savvin the interrogation for our meet up
CG: UGH…
CA: be punctual there are these purpurean crescent rolls my local bakery makes that you NEED to try wwhile theyre still wwarm
CG: CAN’T WAIT.
CA: youre probably bein sarcastic but me neither
CG: GUESSED AS MUCH. SEE YOU ON WEDNESDAY, ASSHOLE.
CA: great
CA: rest up
CA: prick

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 06:00

Karkat sighed, then sighed again. He sank back into his recuperacoon with a stifled groan and pretended to relax for a few more hours before getting up to have a full-fledged nervous breakdown. The day was off to a great start.

He walked to Starboons with heavy steps and a bag with the clothes he ought to return to Dave. It was late in the morning and he would be lying if he said this wasn’t awfully premeditated on his part.

"HEY!!! I’M SORRY I COULDN’T MAKE IT. SEE YOU ON MONDAY???" he’d type out in the chat, absolutely overdoing it with the punctuation to project a confident, ‘chill’ image… If the odds were in his favor he wouldn’t have to meet Dave’s eyes, his ears wouldn’t visibly sizzle and his dignity would remain unaffected… But most importantly, he wouldn’t have to figure out how to address his friend yet. If anything, it would buy him a bit more time to really understand where they stood.

He turned the last corner before the coffee shop and… bumped into a certain someone. Of course he did.

The impact made their bags comically wing their way to each other, just like in the movies. Dave seized Karkat’s bag almost gracefully, whilst Karkat called it really close to the ground with Dave’s.

"Whoa, shit," the blond exclaimed in that hardly bothered tone of his.

"SHIT FUCK!" Karkat answered in—very much—the opposite way. "Dave? H-here, I got it." He stretched out the bag like it was fire in his hands. Dave didn’t take it.

"That’s yours, actually."

"Eh?"

"Your clothes?"

"Oh. Oh, right."

"These mine…?"

"Yeah. Yup. Those are yours," Karkat nodded awkwardly, looking down to the clothes in his hands.

"You cleaned them," Dave observed just as Karkat blurted out "You dried them?"

"Uh? Yeah?" they said at the same time, in the same tone. "Thanks."

"Haha, what the fuck is this Inception shit we're doing right now?" Dave laughed.

"A-ha… Haha… Yeah, what the hell. Hilarious stuff," Karkat tried to laugh. "… Um, you finished your shift, HUH?" His attempts at lifting suspicions off himself made him look objectively more suspicious. The sheer awareness of this was making him break a sweat.

"Yup, just did. Late morning?"

"… Kind of. I had some things… to do… So…" the troll lied. "Sorry."

"Bro, don’t sweat it. … Sundays, am I right?" Dave waved his hand dismissively. Either his awkwardness was a lot less incendiary or he was actually calm. "Are you—You doing alright?"

"Absolutely." Karkat was scratching his neck with such harshness that his skin had reddened under his turtleneck. "WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"I mean, you’re sorta clawing yourself there and screaming your lungs out, but it’s—it’s all cool."

"Oh, that. It’s just—I’m itchy. What? It happens, Strider. Textile dermatitis is very much a thing that you can experience when wearing turtlenecks. As amazing as I am in every conceivable way, I still have skin problems sometimes."

"Mm-hmm, not even the king of turtlenecks is immune to 'em sweater rashes, huh," Dave nodded contemplatively. "Were you headed to Starboons just now?"

"Uh… I was mostly going to drop by to return your stuff and we've already got that covered, so I guess I'll just—go back where I came from."

"Sure… No coffee, then?"

"I don't think so, my heart rate is already off the charts with all this fuckery we've got going—Shit, I mean—"

"Man, me too."

"You too…" Karkat gulped. "… what, exactly?"

"Been feeling jittery as fuck. Isn't that what you were—?"

"Oh. Yes. Yes, of course. Coffee jitters. Caffeine detox. Totally what I was talking about!"

"I was actually—"

"Actually…?"

"… I thought you were—No, the way you said that definitely sounded like you were talking about the other—Uh… The other—" Dave's cheeks progressively reddened as he tried to speak. He was stuck. "You know what? It's getting late, so… I gotta run. Just gonna mad dash like I'm fucking Sonic," he sputtered, feet already moving past Karkat. "Aight?"

"Oh… Okay." Karkat clenched his fist, unsure of what to do or say.

"Actually." Dave stopped dead in his tracks and turned to him like he had something really important to say. Instead what came out of his mouth was: "I might be stating the obvious here, but I said 'fucking' as in I'm fucking Sonic, not as in I'm fucking Sonic."

"What?"

"Shit, that probably sounded like I'm not only banging said dude, but also, like, kind of possessive of him… Which is obviously not what I meant, duh. You could say 'but Dave, the way you phrased that could also mean that the act of fucking Sonic would inherently be fast as fuck', which would be a fair point to which I'd answer—also quite reasonably—that 'no, Karkat, it's the fuck that's fast, not the other way around. Ever heard of the troll or the egg causality dilemma, bro?'… Anyway, that's obviously not what I'm implying here either. You see, when I say ‘I'm gonna mad dash like I'm fucking Sonic’ I could just omit the second 'I'm' and there would be no confusion as to what my consummation status is with Sonic The Hedgehog. Au contraire, you'd probably automatically understand that he is simply the shit. So, basically, if you should infer anything at all… it's the spiritual, entirely metaphorical kin that I feel to this funky little blue man in this specific context I find myself in, no furry attraction involved whatsoever. Because if something is true in all of this… it's that I'm not a furry, but I am one mean runner. These legs, Karkat, these legs could outrun Road Runner in Fast and Furry-ous."

"Dude," Karkat finally intervened. "Get a fucking grip. I'm begging you…"

"I hear ya. I'll get going then. Aren't we—" The blond cleared his throat. "Aren't we walking in the same direction, though?"

"That would be… correct." Karkat wanted to be glad, but the anxious knot in his stomach seemed to think otherwise.

"Cool… Shall we?"

And so they awkwardly walked side by side for some blocks, both of them racking their brains to come up with a casual enough conversation topic. Neither felt ready for the talk. Not that day.

"S-so… Any incidents worth mentioning today at the store?"

"Bro, the most relevant anecdotes happen when you're there. It's unreal, you're like a magnet for the stuff," Dave shrugged. "Oh, I did finally schedule my certification, though. Those are some news, alright."

"Certification to become—what was it?—a coffee overlord?"

"Eh, sure. My piece of shit SM finally allowed it. About time too, my third coffee passport is starting to look a lot like a Da Vinci notebook. Lil incomprehensible drawings and all. Surely it's half as visionary as his, at this point."

"Okay, you lost me. What the actual fuck is a coffee passport?"

"It's this notebook where you write down your impressions on coffee tastings. It also has a cheat sheet—sort of?—with specific details about any given coffee, such as acidity, growing region, body…"

"Do you seriously not see how stupidly high-flown you coffee freaks sound? Coffee passport this, coffee master that… Step down, Icarus, it's a fucking roasted bean with water!" Karkat cringed. "Coffee passport, he says… What even is that?"

"Sir, this is a Starboons," Dave laughed.

"What-fucking-ever! In any case, congratulations on being a step closer to having your pedantry officially acknowledged, I guess."

"Thanks. I'm gonna be a mantrap in my brand new black apron. Like, you better hide yo spouse when I get down with the black suit, baby."

"You're just gonna let loose in there, go crazy?"

"Oh, you got that reference."

"Don't insult me, Strider, it's Troll Will Smith we're talking about here."

"Right, big Will Smith fan boy, aren't you? Anyway, I can already feel the 'coffee master' embroidery under my fingers, bro, I can just feel it. The only thing standing between us is the certification, which I'm a hundred percent sure I'll nail because I know all my shit by heart."

"Mmm-hm. What wisdom do the coffee eminences expect of you, anyway?"

"They basically expect me to be a walking encyclopedia, to be able to guide customers through coffee and food pairings… That sort of thing."

"Fine, I'll take the bait. Sell me four different pairings. I'm willingly subjecting myself to your snobbery for the next five minutes, so make the most of it."

"Four of them in five minutes? Take out the fucking chronometer, I can do those in under one."

"Prove it."

"Aight. If it's rainy outside and you're in a hopelessly romantic mood, try Caffè Verona with Salted Caramel Sweet Squares and you're sure to put Romeo and Juliet's love story to shame. Just woke up? Pair an iced KatiKati blend with a warm Morning Bun and you'll get to pretend you've got your shit together. Want something classier? Slightly burnt French Roast with a cigarette will make you feel like a suave lone wolf detective in a film noir. Citric lover? Treat yourself to a Willow Blend paired with an Iced Lemon Loaf for a clean ass taste bud orgasm," Dave finished. "How's that? Are you sold?"

"Hmmm, it might not mean shit coming from a normal guy like me, but it sounds legit. I'll buy it."

"Heh. I think you'd actually like the Verona blend, by the way."

"Maybe I'll try it. I'm pretty sure you have never mentioned any of those coffees to me before."

"No offense, man, but you can't tell an Americano from a drip coffee. So, if you don't mind, I'm saving the good stuff to impress the district manager and get a sick ass new fit."

"Let me get this straight, you're basically doing a coffee boy pageant and the prize is a pretty little outfit."

"You're not wrong, I guess, but you can't tell me black aprons aren't objectively awesome. Plus I'd do literally anything to spite my manager and I just know he's foaming at the mouth right now."

"That, I can get behind."

"See? I'm perfectly reasonable."

"No, you're not," Karkat shook his head. "Oh, that's my place right there."

"Oh, uh… This is where we part, then."

"So it seems."

"Talk to you later. Or tomorrow… You're coming tomorrow, right?"

"Of course. The allure of the evil mermaid and her pricy coffee commands me…"

"All according to keikaku."

"There you go with your weeaboo nonsense. See you, Strider."

"Keep it real, bro," he waved Karkat goodbye, the gesture packed with aloofness.

Karkat watched as the blond walked away. The sight of his perfect undercut and the memory of running his fingers through it made his heart jump like a hydraulic car. He leaned on a wall and did the verbal equivalent of keyboard smashing.

It really was unfair.

Dave looked back to see Karkat being weird in the distance and he felt his heart swell like an airbag in a car crash. He wasn't precisely proud of the way their encounter had panned out, but the growing certainty that he'd actually fallen for the troll was as terrifying as it was exciting.

It really was unfair.

Chapter Text

Ah, Christmas. The most wonderful time of year! Or so the entirety of the city seemed to think, because Karkat sure as hell didn’t share the sentiment. He wondered what the deal was with the cold, the lights and decorations as he walked the busy streets, his face half buried in an enormous gray scarf. He enjoyed a good Christmas romcom as much as the next guy, but there was something intrinsically overbearing about witnessing the mirth of winter in real life.

Starboons didn't miss the chance to capitalize on the festive spirit like the mega corporation leech it was, as was evident by their release of holiday special drinks and merchandising. Plastic wreaths with tiny cup decorations hung from the shop window, the siren logo plastered all over them. Lights of varying sizes twinkled inside, accompanied by the distant sound of all time classics like Last Christmas or All I Want For Christmas Is You.

Karkat pushed the door open with a one-track mind and spent a good minute staring at the new menu options, face contorted in an ungodly mix of curiosity and disgust.

"Hey, nubbyshouts," Dave's voice shook him from his thoughts. "Stop scrunching your nose at whatever and get your ass over here."

"What?" The troll turned his head to find Dave in a red apron, all bundled up in fairy lights. In front of him there was a huge tree, covered from top to trunk in coffee themed ornaments.

"A little help? Christmas prep’s got me in a chokehold. Literally."

"Don’t tell me you’re actually tangled up in those."

"No, man, I’m totally chilling. These lights and me? We go back like the pair of earphones that’s been sitting in your pocket since, like, 2016… Just as knotted, if you follow," he sighed. "What does it look like to you? Of course I’m tangled up."

"Yeah, that’s what I thought." Karkat walked up to him and helped him out of the mess, not failing to take note of his cleanly shaved nape or the single mole in his cervical curve that seemed to point at the perfect spot for a kiss. "Uh—There you are, free as a cluckbeast."

"Thank fuck. That’s a wrap, then. Lemme push these boxes out of sight real quick."

"Ever the efficient worker," Karkat jeered as he followed Dave around the store.

"Bro, don’t even start it. I’m tired as hell and it’s not even—" he checked his wrist watch. "Eight, it’s not even eight… Speaking of which, did you switch back to nocturnality or…?"

"No? You told me you’d be taking the night shift starting today, so…"

"Oh, damn, so you came to see me specifically?"

"Yeah?" Karkat answered, as if it couldn’t be any more obvious. After all, the only time he could think of when that hadn’t been the case was when Eridan had first introduced him to the world of costly coffee.

"Bro… Seriously?" Dave actually stopped what he was doing to face Karkat. "Yo, what the hell. I’m moved." And he looked like he meant it.

"W—I mean, uhhh," Karkat drew a blank. "You’re welcome for my invaluable company and continued patronage," he swiftly recovered.

"Haha. No kidding, you’re single-handedly funding my coffee master dreams with your tips," the blond laughed.

"On the other hand: you’re ruining my retirement funds. Does that spark holiday joy, Dave? Knowing that you’re destroying a working man’s future?"

"Oh, shit, no. I won’t forget about you when I’m a filthy billionaire. I’ll, like, remember to mention you in passing in my Person of the Year speech. Something like…" Dave cleared his throat and brought a hand to the counter as if it was a presidential podium. "... And lastly, I cannot not mention my dear friend, uh, Kaden. No, no, Kenneth. Without whom my dreams would still be dreams today. That’s right. Wherever you are now, Kyle, know that you steered me right into the path of greatness and in doing so, shaped history. I am forever humbled, forever a coffee boy… If only at heart. Thank you."

"What a fucking tear-jerker." Karkat rolled his eyes.

"Yup. So. Speech aside, what will it be today?" Dave dropped the act as he pushed the last box into the storage room.

"Oh, um… Are the new drinks any decent?"

"Depends. Some are actually fan-favorites, but I’m willing to bet you will absolutely despise them," the blond shrugged.

"What? No, try me."

"Okay. Quick knockout round. You’re not into peppermint, right?"

"Nope."

"One down. Hot or iced?"

"Hot."

"Two more down. How are we feeling about white chocolate?"

"I don’t hate it, but it’s not even chocolate?"

"Bow-wow, only two options left. Both Lattes."

"Oh. Eh," Karkat pulled a face. "Lattes are good, but…"

"Not in the mood either? Congrats, the contest is officially null," Dave laughed, yet again. "How about a hot chocolate? Can’t go wrong with hot chocolate."

"You know what? I’ll take it. Classics are classics for a reason," the troll nodded to himself. The idea of a warm cup of chocolate was truly inviting, especially with the threat of snow outside.

"That’s a man who knows what he likes. No Christmas treats to go with it, I assume?" Dave pointed at the reindeer shaped cake pops and snowman cookies on display.

"Not today. Sorry."

"No biggie, man. For the record, I think you should try some of these before the holidays are over, you might be surprised."

"I didn’t hate some of your other sugar atrocities, so, who knows… Maybe I will."

"Hell yeah. Cash?" Dave reached for the money and flinched at the coldness of Karkat’s hands. "Dude, you’re freezing! Goddamn." His hands hovered awkwardly over the troll’s, assessing whether it was weird to hold them or not. Before he could decide, some coins escaped Karkat’s grasp, rattling loudly all over the counter and the floor.

"Oh, shitdigging fuck!" Karkat’s ears were pink. Was that the cold too?

"Crap. Don’t worry, I’ve got this." The blond scooped the money back, somewhat disappointed that the interaction was over before even starting. "Why don’t you go get cozy inside while I prepare your order? I'll bring it to you."

"I’m not really in a—"

"Come on. We can’t have you becoming a Karkicicle. Go, go," Dave shushed him away.

Karkat waddled to his usual spot and watched as Dave did his magic from a distance. He began by aerating and steaming the milk, lowering the jug in that controlled motion that baristas did (and which Karkat wondered whether served some actual purpose or just looked cool… the latter of which it certainly did). He proceeded to pump some mocha sauce and vanilla on a festive looking cup and poured the milk in a swirling pattern. He topped the drink off with whipped cream and a tasteful chocolate drizzle. It was done.

Karkat tried not to stare too hard as Dave made his way to his table, but he couldn’t give the sight up. He was wearing checkered red pants with retro Air Jordans and a black pullover with printed sleeves that said ‘custom text" in white capital letters. One of his ironic cool guy moves, no doubt, but he looked good. Really good.

"Hot choclety milk incoming. Watch out, it’s… hot," he warned. "Duh."

Karkat extended both arms to receive it, but he wasn’t expecting Dave’s warm hands to wrap around his as he secured the drink. The boldness of the gesture was so uncanny that Karkat felt a loading animation pop up in his brain.

"Uh—"

"Cold," Dave whistled.

"Holy fuck. He’s holding my hands, what the fuck do I do?" Karkat panicked as the realization settled. "—I, um, I can’t fucking drink if you hold my hands, Dave," was what finally came out of his mouth. "You poopflinging shitsponge! What are you saying?"

"I hear ya, but we’re really in it now, Karkat. You. Me. The chocolate. Shit’s more sexually charged than a Calvin Klein advert." Dave squeezed a little tighter, looking as embarrassed as Karkat was feeling... Which did absolutely nothing to relativize the fact that the troll’s face had picked up a shade of red twice as bright as Dave’s apron. "...Yeah, ahem. I think I’m gonna let go now."

He dropped his hands and took a seat across from Karkat, gesturing for him to drink up.

"FUCK! It’z HOTH!" Karkat almost spat out his drink, his burnt tongue sticking out of his mouth dumbly. It was not like he had any more dignity to spare, anyway.

Dave giggled softly. His hands had found each other in the absence of Karkat’s and he was playing with his fingers in a way that screamed ‘Yes, I’m a rapper. Yes, I’m feeling awkward as hell’. A pang of need hit Karkat and he didn’t really think before sliding his hand forward. Slowly, tentatively. Dave’s eyes followed vigilantly under his shades, shoulders tensed up as he tried to predict where the initiative was headed.

"On second thought… Who needs two hands?" he asked, fingers almost touching Dave’s sleeve. "... You may… grab it, is what I’m saying," he finished, looking away.

"Oh… Oh. Um, alright, Your Majesty." Dave took the hand he’d been offered. "Should I kiss the ring too?"

"S-shut up!"

Karkat didn’t dare to look at his friend’s face, so he didn’t… but if he had, he’d have recognized the same struggle, the same blush settling in his cheeks. Instead, Dave began gently rubbing his hand to get it warm.

"I feel like a Victorian shoe shine boy. Spare a penny, good sir… A penny in these trying times," he snorted. "I think it’s safe by now, by the way. You should be fine," he pointed at the hot chocolate.

"Right." Karkat took another sip. This time it wasn’t piping hot, so he could actually appreciate its sweet—but not unbearably sweet—taste. Despite the self-consciousness, he couldn’t deny how comforted he felt by the warmth in his hands and stomach.

There was something undoubtedly intimate about the way Dave was caressing the back of his hand; about the way his thumb had found a path between the cracks of his fingers; about the way he followed the lines in his palm, his index fingertip venturing shyly under Karkat’s sleeve, stealing a taste of his pulse.

He wanted to answer to the touch by interlacing their fingers or luring Dave deeper in, to caress his wrists, his forearms. He wanted to push the drink aside so that there was nothing between them but their skin and their pulsating veins. Rosy tint against lively gray. Slim fingers against big palms… But he didn’t want to risk losing the moment to the scare that doing so would surely suppose, so he didn’t move at all.

"... Earth to Karkat. Do you copy?" Dave tapped him, trying to get his attention back. He’d seemingly spaced out with his silly daydream. He felt drowsy too.

"Eh?"

"Reach Nirvana yet?" the blond repeated. "You look changed, man."

"Dude, don’t get cocky. Your chocolate is good, but not that good."

"Haha, if you say so," Dave shrugged.

"I say so. And the customer is always right."

"Except when they’re wrong, which—wow… Anyway. Do you know why Santa’s sack is so big?"

"Santa’s sack?" Karkat tilted his head.

"It’s because—"

"Why does he even carry a sack, to begin with, isn't he—"

"Because he only comes once a year," Dave delivered the punchline, but it fell on deaf ears.

"—supposedly a magical—"

"Did y—"

"—old man who can—"

"Karkat."

"What?"

"You missed the joke. Literally pulled a Matrix dodge on me, man," Dave sighed. "It's a kid's story, it doesn't need to make sense."

"Well, excuse my ignorance. Our wriggler tales are usually nothing if not educational and fact based," Karkat argued.

"Who needs facts, it's motherfucking Santa! If you want morals you've already got, I don't know, fucking Cinderella. Hansel and Gretel. Any of the Grimm bros' fucked up lil tales. Not that Santa isn't originally kind of really fucked up, because he is. What, with the character being a colonial Coca-Colafied saint slash grown ass elf who slips through chimneys at night and exploits lesser elves fuck knows where in the North Pole… Step the hell down, J.K., the chamber of subtle fantasy bigotry has already been opened," Dave concluded. "Did you know that Santa Claus’s corpse has been looted not one, but several times? Christmas fun facts, no clickbait."

"What the fuck is he talking about?" Karkat stared at Dave, refusing to process anything of what he’d just said. "A-ha…? Enlighten me then. Why is it so big?"

"What?"

"Santa's sack. Why is it big?" the troll insisted.

"Oh my fucking God, are you for real?"

"Yes, Dave, I'm ‘for real’. You asked me if I knew why Santa's stupid toy pouch is big and I apparently missed the hilarity of your answer with my—if I might say—completely reasonable question about your nonsensical human mythos, so, do tell. I'm dying for a laugh."

"It's just—it's because he only comes once a year…" The blond tried again. Karkat blinked once, then twice.

"Huh? Yeah, I know. Hard to miss the date when you people put on a fucking winter special show just for him." Karkat shook his head, obviously missing the joke.

"No, no. Like, his sack." Dave let go of Karkat’s hands to motion… well, a sack. Santa’s sack. "His sack is big because he—"

"Because he comes once a year. I heard you the first time."

"... But it's the—It's because—Karkat. The thing is that his sack is—You know." The sign started to take a more phallic shape as Dave lost confidence in his verbal skills, but it finally clicked.

"Oh… Oh. His sack meaning his set of…" Karkat joined the mimicry party with similarly obscene gestures.

"Yeah, that." Dave looked pleased and that was—really—all that mattered to Karkat.

"Ohhh. So, once a year… huh? It's big because the guy's been—Hehe, because he only, uh—Hehehe, that's pretty good," he admitted.

"Hehehe, isn't it?"

"It's good. It's good," Karkat agreed and they both broke into a fit of giggles like a pair of ten year olds laughing at a boob. Not the most refined brand of comedy, but they had fun all the same.

The mindless chat went on for a while, allowing the pair to forget about the bustle and the cold outside. They were so focused on each other that the world had faded into a colorful bokeh, a Christmas backdrop to a moment out of a cheesy romcom.

Karkat didn’t know if it was the hot chocolate, but he felt all giddy inside as he looked at Dave.

"So…" Dave cleared his throat. "Is there something you’d like me to get you?"

"Why?" Karkat asked, eyes round and unbelieving.

"Uh. You know, Christmas. That beautiful, selfless time of the year?"

"But I don't—"

"You don't have to return it or anything, you know, I just thought it'd be… nice? to thank you for—Well, for these past few months together. Shit, I mean, these months of, uh, reputable bromance and camaraderie… Yeah." He actually facepalmed himself out of embarrassment. "Am I being weird?"

"No, no. Not really, but it’s been a while since my last Twelfth Perigee's Eve's celebration."

"Riiight, that’s also a thing for trolls. I completely forgot it was a thing for trolls. Very culturally aware of me."

"Don’t sweat it, I just don’t know what I could ask for."

"That’s okay. Totally. But if you think of something…" Dave settled back in his chair, his expression still regretful.

Karkat looked around the store—squeezing his brain for ideas—and found inspiration in the unexpected.

"Um, how about one of those?" He pointed at a rack at the entrance which was packed with winter themed bearistas. Dave followed with his eyes and frowned in confusion when he finally understood what he was being shown.

"That's what you want. One of those?"

"Yeah, why not? They’re cute."

"Shit, what? Which one?" Dave scratched his neck, eyes fixated on the potential gifts. "Which one do you like?"

"Hmm… The red one. The one that sort of… looks exactly like you." Karkat regretted saying that before he was even finished saying it, but the teddy bear truly was a Strider look-alike. His fur was a soft, creamy shade of white and he was wearing a black shirt under a tiny red apron. He even had a pair of red sunglasses (although heart-shaped) and a black beanie to go with his outfit.

"You—you want that one? Because it reminds you of me?" Dave blushed hard, he’d been caught off guard.

"Ehhh," Karkat wavered, but didn’t back away. "Yes. Why wouldn’t I want a plushie that’s a carbon copy of my barista friend who I am, well, basically best chums with? Especially when I’m not even going to pay for it? It’s a bargain, Dave. Literally all I want for Christmas."

"Haha. It’s your lucky day, then… Bestie."

"Yikes—But really, don’t feel obligated."

"Not at all. You want a mini me, you’re getting a mini me." Dave waved his hand dismissively. "Okay. Alright, let me go grab it."

"Like, right now?"

"Bro, do you know how high the demand for these is? They'll be gone in minutes first thing upon opening tomorrow morning, so lemme just—I know it won’t be a surprise this way, but let me just buy it for you," Dave slapped the table resolutely and practically ran to the back, reappearing triumphantly with a wallet in hand. "Wait. Frig, we’re out of gift wraps… But I can still save Christmas. Maybe."

"What the fuck are you mumbling about back there?

"Nothing, nothing. You focus on your drink while I figure this out."

Without much else to do, Karkat swirled the whipped cream around with his straw.

"Ahem. Merry Christmas. Or Twelfth Perigee…’s Eve. Whatever. Just take it," Dave shoved the gift against Karkat’s chest as detachedly as he could.

He had jammed the plushie inside one of the bigger transparent cups and enveloped it with green and white napkins. A red ribbon crowned the improvised packaging and he’d written Karkat’s name with a red sharpie. He’d finished the whole thing off with a doodle of a bear with Karkat’s horns… in the SBAHJ style.

"Oh. That’s me! You wrapped it and everything…" Karkat actually gasped. "T-thanks."

"Y-yeah, no problem. Threw a cake pop in there too, for good measure, if you want to… have it."

"I’ll open it at home, if you don’t mind. Don’t want to ruin the wrap so quickly."

"Whew, thank Jesus. Seven million years of evolution and unboxing is still awkward as fuck. Also, I might or might not have written a cheesy ass note in the spur of the moment, so you’re actually doing me a favor," Dave cringed, his fingers curling in what Karkat supposed was an urge to grab the gift and yeet it out of sight before the contents of said note could arise. "Seriously, I don’t even know what the hell I wrote. I will not take responsibility for it."

"Hahaha, noted. Then… What should I get you? Is there something you—"

"Oh no. No, no, no. You don’t have to."

"But I want to. I’m feeling pretty fucking festive about it too, so if you don’t give me any ideas, I’ll have to surprise you. And it might not be a pleasant surprise."

"Bro, I’m sold. Surprise me."

"Come on. A hint?"

"Nah. I’m all for unpleasant surprises. Hit me with your worst, make me regret ever being born."

"Your sadomasochistic tendencies scare me sometimes, Strider."

"Hang on, hang on. Don’t go sending me bottled piss or anything gross like that, alright? On that same note: shitexpress, sendshit or poopsenders are not allowed."

"Shitexpress…? Who in his sane mind would—Nevermind that, how in the world do you know about three different poop sending services?"

"A guy has his sources… But really, no poop in a box."

"Dude, I’m not going to send you poop. In a box or otherwise. Actually, let me pin that disclaimer right where we both can see it. Look at it. It says ‘If you get poop on your doorstep, it’s not me’."

"I’ll take your word on that," Dave laughed and looked at the time distractedly. "Fuck, man, I don’t want to kick you out, but closing time is nigh and I’m on my own, so…"

"Oh. Already? I’ll release you then, no problem." Karkat raised from his chair. "Um. Thanks for the—everything," he murmured, protected by his gigantic scarf.

"Heh, you’re welcome. Thanks for visiting and making my evening a little less miserable."

"Well, that’s depressing. So. Before I forget, do you have any days off in the foreseeable future?" Karkat thought he might as well test the water. A potential Christmas date seemed worth the anxiety of asking.

"Why, have something in mind?" Dave asked, clearly surprised by the question.

"I—We don’t have to, but I was thinking that we could maybe… have a movie marathon." There, he’d said it.

"Oh. Christmas romcom special?"

"S-sure. If you’re up for it."

"Yeah, of course. Why not? Let’s arrange it over text, ‘kay?"

"Cool. Then I’ll be off."

"Wait." Dave pulled Karkat closer by the lapel of his coat and zipped it up, patting his scarf back into place once he was done. "Bundle up, it’s starting to snow."

"Oh, thanks…"

And with that last rush of blood in his face, Karkat walked out of Starboons.

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 00:15

TG: hey nubs mcshouty
TG: you know what
CG: OH, HEY.
CG: WHAT?
TG: i feel it in my fingers
TG: i feel it in my
TG: dong
TG: christmas is all around me
TG: and so the feeling grows
CG: FOR GOD’S SAKE, DAVE… CAN YOU *NOT* BUTCHER LOVE ACTUALLY?
CG: CAN YOU DO THAT ONE THING FOR ME?
CG: NO. SERIOUSLY. IF THERE IS SUCH A THING AS CHRISTMAS MIRACLES, CAN THIS BE THE ONE FOR ME?
TG: yeah ok sorry
TG: couldnt help myself there
TG: speaking of christmas miracles though
TG: whats up with the ninja santa stunt you pulled on me today
TG: you shouldve said hi
CG: YOU LOOKED BUSY.
TG: and you didnt want to be there for the unwrapping
CG: IN MY DEFENSE: NO, I DIDN’T. DID YOU OPEN IT?
TG: just did
TG: dude i dont know if that was supposed to be your worst but its my new favorite thing in the world
CG: IRONICALLY, I HOPE.
TG: what no its perfect
CG: ARE YOU WEARING IT RIGHT NOW? SOMETHING TELLS ME YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR ASS WITH YOUR SILLY LITTLE COOL GUY SHADES AND PERPETUAL POKER FACE, PROUDLY WEARING THE ATROCITY I BOUGHT YOU.
TG: what are you on
TG: of course i am
TG: in fact im currently feeling myself up in it
TG: thats how fucking much i love it
CG: TMI.
TG: more like too much inveiglement
TG: my sex appeal is raw in this bad boy baby
CG: SOMETIMES I HATE HAVING EYES.
CG: THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES.
TG: no hear me out
TG: must be something about the derpy crab with googly eyes literally breaking the fourth wall of ugly christmas sweaters or the deliberate misspelling of santa klaws
TG: which is just fucking chefs kiss by the way
TG: but im never taking this off
TG: ever
TG: look photo proof

-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] the file "hotblondbabe.jpeg" ––

CG: LOOKS LIKE IT’S A GOOD FIT.
CG: NO, I’M NOT GOING TO COMMENT ON THE SUGGESTIVE NATURE OF THAT SELFIE.
TG: thats harsh man
TG: do you know how hard it was to fit both mr crab and my ass in the frame
TG: heres another one
TG: this ones proper i swear

-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] the file "hotblondbabe2.jpeg" ––

CG: I COULD EASILY BLACKMAIL YOU WITH THESE, YOU KNOW THAT?
TG: but you wont bc friendship
TG: friendship is why
CG: YOU’RE SO ANNOYING. I SHOULD HAVE SENT YOU POOP IN A BOX, AFTER ALL.
TG: hey you can always save the idea for next year
TG: i wont even remember i planted that seed of evil in you by then
TG: so itll be the traumatizing experience its meant to be
CG: GREAT. I’LL KEEP IT IN MIND.
TG: youre welcome
CG: YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT UNPERTURBED, THINKING I’M NOT CAPABLE OF SUCH DEGENERACY, BUT TROLLING IS IN MY DNA AND I WILL HIT YOU WITH FECES WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT, STRIDER. YOU BETTER BELIEVE I WILL SEE IT DONE.
CG: AND THEN. THEN YOU WON’T BE SO SMUG ABOUT IT.
TG: yeah?
TG: bring it on i dare you
TG: be the monkey young deputy
TG: hit me with that big load of cow dung
TG: or like
TG: monkey dung if you want to make it reaaally personal
CG: YOU’RE GRAVELY UNDERESTIMATING THE LEVEL OF PETTINESS THAT I CAN HOLD IN MY BODY.
TG: wholl be the real winner if you do it tho
TG: you who will stand victorious atop a mountain of literal shit
TG: or me who egged you on so hard you actually spent money on said literal shit
CG: WHO SAYS I HAVE TO PAY FOR IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?
CG: THINK ABOUT IT: I KNOW YOUR HOME AND JOB ADDRESSES… I HAVE FREE, UNLIMITED ACCESS TO THE STUFF…
CG: SEE ANY BARRIERS THERE, DAVE? BECAUSE I JUST SEE A WHOLE LOAD OF SHIT IN YOUR FUTURE.
TG: bro
TG: bro i know i instigated this but youre starting to sound downright insane
CG: SEE, IT JUST SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU’RE TRYING TO BACKPEDAL NOW THAT YOU’VE REALIZED THAT MY THREAT IS NOT EMPTY.
CG: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT. MY MONEY IS ALREADY ON THAT HORSE.
CG: ON THAT HORSE’S *MANURE*.
TG: fuck you actually know a horse dude right
TG: the weird one with the horse motif name
TG: equestrian zapper or something
CG: NOT QUITE. BUT YES.
TG: well my chances of being shat on just obscenely increased
TG: is this when i start begging you not to do it or
CG: NOPE. YOU MISSED THAT TRAIN WHEN YOU DECIDED TO PROVOKE ME.
CG: YOU’RE NOW OFFICIALLY SUBSCRIBED TO A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF BEASTLY TURDS.
CG: EACH MONTH IS A DIFFERENT FRAGRANCE.
CG: ENJOY.
TG: fuckkk
CG: OKAY, THIS IS DUMB.
TG: no shit
TG: heh
CG: FUCKING DUMBASS…
TG: anyway
TG: all thats left to say is thank you for the sweater
TG: i love it
TG: oh and the kiddie champagne
TG: i cant believe you bought me kiddie champagne
CG: YOU’RE WELCOME.
CG: IT’S APPLE FLAVORED, BY THE WAY. I HOPE YOU NOTICED THAT.
TG: how could i not
TG: we popping the superior juice these holidays
CG: THOUGHT YOU’D APPRECIATE IT.
TG: i love you man
TG: i really do
TG: <3
CG: YEAH, YEAH. SURE YOU DO.
TG: come on its christmas
TG: give me a lil heart emoticon
CG: FINE…
CG: FINE.
CG: HERE IT COMES.
CG: CATCH IT:
CG: .
CG: .
CG: .
CG: .
CG: .
CG: .
CG: .
CG: <3
TG: aw
TG: he actually did it the absolute madman <3
CG: HERE’S ANOTHER ONE TO KEEP IT 2:2, BUT DON’T GET GREEDY.
CG: <3
TG: damn it really is christmassy up in here
CG: AS CHRISTMASSY AS IT GETS.
TG: you should come over and give me an excuse to pop these open
TG: the martinellis i mean
TG: theyre too fancy to drink them by myself
CG: SURE, I’M DOWN. SHOULD WE MAKE THAT A MOVIE DATE?
CG: FUCK.
CG: MOVIE MARATHON.
CG: A MOVIE *MARATHON*.
TG: oh yeah
TG: fine by me
TG: how about friday night
CG: WORKS FOR ME.
TG: alright youre in charge of the movies
TG: im in charge of good looks
CG: SOMETHING ABOUT THAT FEELS INEQUITABLE. ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING I’M PUTTING THE DRINKS AND A GOOD 50% OF YOUR STYLISM.
TG: ugh so demanding
TG: fine
TG: ill prepare some tasty treats
CG: THAT'S BETTER.
TG: and hot chocolate
TG: i can make you hot chocolate
CG: I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.
TG: you cannot hope to beat me in a hostoff
TG: i am simply the best there is
CG: YEAH, NO. PLAYING THE BARISTA ON YOUR DAY OFF SURE IS A COMMENDABLE SACRIFICE.
TG: what no
TG: i actually enjoy the craft a lot
TG: the customers not so much but you wont be yelling at me
TG: well not *angry* yelling
TG: just the default karkat yelling
CG: I’M NOT THAT LOUD?
TG: yes you are?
TG: but its charming man
TG: im genuinely comforted by your shouting
TG: pure asmr to my ears
CG: WOW. RUDE.
CG: AT LEAST I DON’T MUMBLE TO MYSELF LIKE A LUNATIC.
TG: best thing about what you just said is that you actually do
CG: NO, I DON’T????
TG: bro
TG: you literally grunt like an adorable old man
TG: dont deny it
CG: OKAY. WHATEVER. BUT YOUR MUMBLING IS UNINTELLIGIBLE.
TG: thank god
CG: FUCK. DID I JUST PLAY MYSELF?
TG: idk dude
TG: on a scale of one to texas how embarrassing is the shit you tell yourself
CG: I’D RATHER NOT THINK ABOUT IT.
TG: there you go
TG: unintelligible mumbling is a blessing
TG: if i fuck it up too bad i can just smoothly transition to beatbox
TG: like
TG: you think you heard me say your mama hot? well no i didnt
TG: bm p pts pf pts pf bm p pts pft ps pf
TG: cant you see im making music
CG: I’M SORRY, DAVE, BUT THAT’S SO PATHETIC I MIGHT CRY.
TG: wait no
TG: thats a terrible transcript
TG: kids dont try it at home
CG: AS I SAID: PATHETIC.
TG: its okay
TG: i can live with that
TG: anyway
TG: since youve ordered hot chocolate like five days in a row
TG: how about i teach you how to make it good at home
CG: I WOULDN’T SAY NO TO THAT KIND OF WISDOM O:B
TG: that looks kind of goofy
CG: NO, IT DOESN’T!!! IT’S A PERFECT REPRESENTATION OF MY SLIGHTLY AWESTRUCK/INTERESTED EXPRESSION. LOOK, IT’S EVEN GOT MY HORNS AND A NICE SET OF EYES.
TG: man im sorry to inform you that your horns look like teeth
TG: b shades are clearly higher rank
TG: B)
CG: B)? MORE LIKE BC.
TG: before christ?
TG: get on with the times
TG: D:B <- you after being oh so burned
CG: THAT’S STUPID.
CG: BT <- YOU *LITERALLY* ALL THE TIME.
TG: BI <- me and my poker face completely unaffected by that poor ass attempt at a burn
CG: L:B <- ME, KNOWING DAMN WELL MY SMILEY FACES ARE BETTER DEFINED AND SUPERIOR TO YOURS IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY.
CG: WAIT. WE’RE GOING INTO UNCHARTED ROLE PLAYING TERRITORY AND I DON’T LIKE IT HERE.
CG: I SAY WE STOP.
TG: seconded
CG: TO SUM IT UP: FRIDAY NIGHT. YOU. ME. CHRISTMAS MOVIES. HOT CHOCOLATE.
TG: martinellis sparkling cider
CG: OH, TRUE.
CG: FRIDAY NIGHT. YOU. ME. CHRISTMAS MOVIES. HOT CHOCOLATE. MARTINELLI’S SPARKLING CIDER.
TG: now thats a party
CG: GUARANTEED FUN.
TG: damn right
CG: I SHOULD GET GOING. I’VE GOT A COUPLE OF PENDING BUG LOGS, A COMPUTER FULL OF LAG AND A LAG FULL OF… FAILED METAPHORS.
CG: SEE YOU AT THE STORE TOMORROW NIGHT?
TG: you know ill be there
TG: merry fucking christmas to me
CG: HEY, AT LEAST YOU’RE GETTING FATTER TIPS.
TG: true that
TG: im moved by the holiday spirit
TG: not
TG: the amount of christmas karens i have to deal with on the daily truly outweighs any feelings of gratitude i might have
CG: COME ON. IT’S JUST ONE MORE DAY AND WE’LL BOTH BE FREE.
TG: cant wait
CG: HERE, TAKE THIS MOTIVATIONAL CARD I JUST MADE FOR YOU.
CG: STRIDER JUNIOR DOESN’T HAVE THUMBS, BUT IMAGINE HE’S GIVING YOU AN ENCOURAGING THUMBS UP.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "JUNIORSAYSHANGINTHERE.jpeg" ––

TG: oh my god thats so
TG: so fucking bad its gold
CG: DON’T INSULT MY MOUSE SKILLS, DAVE.
CG: I EVEN DREW HIM A LITTLE SWEATER TO MATCH YOURS.
TG: whats a sweater now
TG: shut upppp
TG: now i see it
TG: protruding crab and everything
TG: what a fantastic lil man bear
CG: THANK YOU.
TG: nono thank YOU
TG: im gonna print this out and pin it on my fridge
TG: strider junior omfg
TG: hes a strider alright but hot damn
CG: THE NAME IS PROVISIONAL.
TG: may i suggest david elizabeth strider
TG: jr for short
CG: IS THAT YOUR FULL NAME?
TG: nah
CG: YOU’RE A WEIRDO IN THE MOST INCONSEQUENTIAL THINGS, BUT DAVID ELIZABETH STRIDER IT IS.
TG: wait
TG: make that one david elizabear strider
TG: get it
CG: …
CG: GOT IT.
TG: david elizabear stribear
CG: THAT’S TOO MUCH OF AN OVERKILL, DON’T YOU THINK?
TG: alright
TG: fair
CG: I’M LEAVING FOR REAL. DON’T RANT TOO HARD IN MY ABSENCE.
TG: take good care of jr ok
CG: GRANTED. HE’LL LIVE THE BEST LIFE I CAN GIVE HIM.
CG: GOOD NIGHT, DAVE.
TG: night karkat
TG: <3?
CG: <3
TG: sweet 3:3

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 01:07

Chapter Text

Karkat glanced at the time on his phone as he hurried through the large avenues. 21:30. He was running late. Not late enough for Eridan to be enraged (especially not since he was the one who was usually—as he defined it—fashionably late), but enough for him to be tapping his foot impatiently when Karkat finally spotted him.

His outfit that day almost looked casual. He was wearing ankle length black jeans with oxford shoes, his skin bare because socks apparently weren’t a thing in his wardrobe. He’d chosen a loose purple diamond cardigan to go with his slightly unbuttoned shirt and his glasses hung over his chest, supported by a tacky gold chain strap. Multiple rings adorned his slender fingers and a fancy pâtisserie bag with minimal lettering completed his look.

Karkat inadvertently checked his own reflection in a shop window as he made his way towards him. He looked… Well, he looked like he was playing in an entirely different league. His fuzzy black sweater didn’t match his ‘distressed’ black pants in color and his slip-ons had clearly seen better days. At least he wasn’t wearing his trusty turtleneck for Eridan to criticize…

A few more strides and the violet blood finally noticed him.

"—Before you say anything, I know I’m late. Uptown boulevards are just unreasonably huge… What do you even need all this space for? Spinning with your flat ass lambos? Even my pancake stack gets higher…" Karkat spat the second he was within earshot. His criticism was cut short when he took a good look at Eridan’s face; his lip was split and part of his temple was bruised in a light, sort of yellowish purple. "What in the ever loving fuck happened to your face?"

"Sol is what," Eridan shrugged.

"Dude?"

"You shoulda seen his face. It’s nothin’ to worry about, though."

"Do I even want to ask?"

"We were playin’ Battleship, things got heated up… You know how it goes."

"No, I don’t? You two dumbasses physically fought over a stupid board game?"

"We didn’t only fight," Eridan shook his head, bringing a hand to his lips (surely in remembrance of something that Karkat didn’t want to know about). "Anyhow, you wouldn’t understand the intricacies of the black panderin’ we’ve got going on. But also: he’s a sore loser who doesn’t know a fuckin’ thing about military strategy or history. And that’s all I have to say on the matter."

"Right. This is all obviously hinged boyfriend behavior. Going on a date and beating the shit out of each other? Completely based. But whatever floats your boat, I guess."

"I was pretty lenient, considerin’"

"Considering what?"

"Considerin’ he blew the fuckin’ board off with his eyes. What a freak, seriously," Eridan rolled his eyes, but the expression was closer to infatuation than genuine annoyance, Karkat thought. "Anyway, feels like it's been sweeps since our last nocturnal hangout," he commented, the implications transparently clear. He wasn't wrong, though, Karkat had reached a point where sleeping during the day felt almost unnatural.

"Stop looking at me like that, you’re so fucking overbearing," he sighed. "You’re not getting anything from me. Anything."

"I’ll eventually make you talk, Kar. Just you wait." And with that vague threat out of the way, he hooked his arm around Karkat’s and turned on his ridiculously expensive heels. "Shall we?"

"Right after you, Edward Lewis."

"Oh, you wish you were anythin’ like Vivian."

"I didn’t mean that as a compliment, jackass. Also: fuck you."

Karkat’s jaw dropped when they stepped inside Eridan’s infamous penthouse suite. The place was at least thrice as big as Karkat’s hive and it looked like it had been ripped straight out of a real estate catalogue—nothing unexpected there—but what really struck him was the enormous wall mounted aquarium that showered the room in a dreamy blue light. Fishes of every size and color swam around it, unaware that this was a snapshot of their home, rather than the real thing. He’d of course seen it as a backdrop to Eridan’s ClikClak video apologies and whatnot, but the experience just wasn’t comparable.

"Impressed? Looks so much better in person, right?" Eridan smirked proudly.

"I kind of fucking despise your influencer ass with the strenght of a thousand imploding stars, actually."

"Hey, tone it down. I’m taken, remember?" Eridan joked as he cleared some space for the absolutely unreasonable amount of pastries he’d bought. Karkat took the chance to study him.

He knew he’d been summoned for advice, but the more he stared at his friend… the less troubled he looked. Sure his face was a terrible mess, but his usual sulk was now but a soft frown and his heavy eyebags didn’t frame his eyes as harshly as they used to.

For the first time in years Karkat felt like the word ‘happy’ was a good descriptor for him.

"Yeah, what’s up with that? I disappear for a couple of days and you two assholes devolve into the kismessitude of the century."

"You think?" Eridan smiled distractedly.

"Did you just smile at me? Okay, you need to fill me in this goddamn instant, I’m starting to think they snatched you and replaced you with a clone."

"I don’t know, Kar, I feel pretty good…"

"But?" Karkat pressed on. Eridan neutrally sighed.

"Why don’t you tell me about your date first? A confession for confession sorta deal?" The violet blood pushed the tray of food in Karkat’s direction, urging him to take a seat in his luxurious sectional sofa. Karkat would never admit it, but it truly was comfortable.

"There you go again."

"Come on, Kar! I’m dyin’ to get a scoop here. I’ve spilled it all on you, it won’t hurt you to confide back in me for once…!"

"Hmph… Fine. Fine. You want to know about my pathetic love life? I’ll tell you all about my pathetic love life. What do you want to know? Name it and it’s fucking yours."

"Alright, so… How was your date? Did you make a move in the end? Oh my glub, you must have. Even if you two assbloods are slow as shit, it would be too moronic to waste an opportunity like that. Wait, wait, wait—Don’t tell me he did it. Did you two kiss? No, more like—do we have a confirmation on his feelin's? I mean, it’s just so fuckin' obvious he likes you. I bet my ass somethin' must have happened… But there’s no way you went as far as confessin’, right? I don’t think either of you have it in you, but you’d have told me if it was the case, right, Kar? You would’ve."

"Dude, one question at a time," Karkat groaned. His cheeks had already picked up a bright shade of red and not even the blue lights could conceal it. Still, he tried to look unphased as he munched on a croissant (which, in fairness, was as delicious as Eridan had promised).

"No way. I want to know everythin’."

"… He kissed me," Karkat confessed. Finally vocalizing it sent his heart into a frenzy.

"Kar. Oh my God, Kar," Eridan put down his pastry, his face frozen in what must have been sheer shock.

"I know. I did kinda make a move on him before that, though."

"Wh—wwwh?" was all that Eridan could manage.

"Yeah. Pulled one hell of a speedrun there."

"So. Does that mean you—"

"Oh, fuck no. When I said pathetic love life earlier I was actually spoiling you the fact that I fled the scene like nobody's business. Didn't even pick up my clothes."

"Your clothes?"

"Also misleading. It was raining purrbeasts and barkbeasts when I arrived at Dave's, so he lent me some of his clothes."

"I think I'm not followin'. You both made a move."

"Yes."

"One of said moves was makin' out."

"… Also yes."

"But you didn't confess."

"Correct."

"And you cleared out before findin' out how he felt about you."

"Yup. Sounds about right."

"Kar, excuse my sayin', but are you a fuckin' idiot?" Eridan sank into the cushions, the second hand frustration eating at him.

"H-humans are weird, okay? They’re—weird and I thought—"

"What? What did ya think? Didn’t he kiss you first?"

"Well. Yes, he did, but—" Karkat mumbled as he pulled at his hair, Eridan’s annoyance was starting to catch up with him. "It’s just that, what if there is no quadrant for us…?" he added, softly.

"Sorry?" Eridan strained to hear him.

"I said what if there is no quadrant for us?" Karkat repeated. "He’s human, which I’m obviously not?"

"Excuse me, what? Isn’t matespritship translatable to what humans call ‘datin’’?"

"It is, but it isn’t the same thing. Not… quite, anyway? Urgh, he’s my close friend and we’ve got this platonic banter going on, so all I'm saying is—What if… What if I ruin that with all this trying to make sense of it, trying to define it?"

"Oh. Ohhh. I see what’s goin' on. I recognize that hesitation."

"Eh?"

"If you ask me, it’s a clear case of volatile quadrant vacillation. A term which, casually, you coined yourself. Remember?" Eridan concluded. Karkat's stomach dropped.

"What? No! No, this isn’t what this is. It’s you who—I’m not freaky about quadrants!" He was so quick to get defensive that Eridan could only frown in response.

"Oh, wow. So I am?" the violet blood scoffed, obviously wounded. "I thought there was ‘nothing wrong with me for feelin’ the way I felt’. Guess you were just sayin’ that."

"Wait, no. Eridan, you know I didn’t mean that."

"No, I think it’s exactly what you meant."

"Hey. I’m sorry, okay? I don’t—I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. Honestly, it’s just—Quadrants have always been my thing, alright? The thing I know best, the thing that everyone comes to me for advice about… If what you’re implying is true, if I’m not—quadromantic—" Karkat dropped his hands, leaving that 'what if' unfinished. A somewhat heavy silence followed.

Eridan stirred in his seat uncomfortably before deciding to join his friend on the couch. His cold fingers landed on Karkat's neck in a hesitant (and clearly forced) attempt at sympathy.

"… Um. I see. But you—uh. You give some of the best romantic advice I've ever heard, Kar. Seriously. You—talkin' to you has been—If you hadn't advised me? I would still be single and alone and miserable. So there's that? Shit, I mean—"

"Wow, thanks, jerk. Glad I didn't fuck up your romantic life as hard as I fucked up mine. That's reassuring."

"Okay, that didn't come out how I wanted, but you haven't even fucked it up yet, you fuckin' dunce."

"You're really bad at consolation, you know that?"

"Well, excuse me for tryin’ to be a good friend." Eridan drew his hand back to dig around for a specific pastry. "Here. Have this one."

"What, why? You don't like it?" Karkat extended his hand, confused.

"Ugh, I'm not—it's my favorite, actually. You asshole… I'm offerin' it to you… To make you feel better about your situation…" Eridan groaned.

"Are you a fucking wiggler?" Karkat laughed. Eridan was evidently very new to the notion of being considerate towards others, but his love language had always been all about showering his loved ones with things he liked. Karkat knew this all too well, so he laughed. "… Thank you, asscrack. I appreciate it."

"Whatever," Eridan shrugged, but he was obviously preening himself on his little platonic achievement. "… So. This makes two of us, huh?"

"Two what?"

"Two freaks of nature."

"Speak for yourself, fuckass. I haven’t even—"

"Ah-ah. Classic denial stage, but trust me, you wouldn’t find your way around the grid even if it was covered in arrow decals," Eridan snorted.

"How—how can you be so okay about this? Just a week ago you thought there was something very wrong with you and now you’re trying to counsel me?" Karkat snorted right back.

"Counsel you? I came to you for advice first, didn’t I? And you went on a spiel about how not abnormal I am, so why not accept this fact about myself and move on? It’s not like I can change it, anyway."

"When have you matured so much?" Karkat laughed half sadly as he laid back on the couch to make himself comfortable. Eridan was undoubtedly one of his most high-maintenance friends, but he surprisingly found it very easy to be around him. He’d come so far, after all.

"Can’t be six forever, Kar." Eridan followed suit and climbed onto the couch, his hands coming to rest on his elegantly crossed legs. "We don’t even have it that bad, do we? You don’t know what to name what you have with that blowhard barista, but it’s clearly somethin’. And I… I’m doin’ black romance again after—Well, after everythin’ that’s gone down."

"Hm. Speaking of which. I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve been summoned since I got here, but I honestly couldn’t infer anything. Aside from your face, uh, happening, you look fine to me. More than fine, actually, you’re… fucking glowing. I have never seen you look like this"

"Oh, now you’re butterin' me up to get me talkin’."

"I mean, I’m done with the outcast talk and I’d rather have that identity crisis in the privacy of my hive, so we might as well get on with the fucking agenda."

"About that, if there’s somethin’ I can—" Eridan started.

"Thanks. No, thanks." Karkat cut him off before he could even finish. "No offense, Eridan, but I have some brain racking to do on my own and you’re not that well versed in matters of the heart."

"Suit yourself. Bitch," he mumbled, no actual offense taken. "So. Sol and I."

"The nuts and bolts of disaster. What happened now?"

"That’s the thing. Nothin’. We’re good," Eridan affirmed, but his pointy teeth worrying at his lower lip seemed to paint an entirely different picture. Karkat offered him an ‘a-ha, right.’ kind of look, hoping that it would be enough to keep him talking. "What? W-we are! He gets on my nerves and I get on his just fine. I could antagonize him all day long."

"Come on. If you don’t tell me what’s going on I can’t help you. You hate each other viscerally, no one is doubting that. But…?" Karkat insisted. He could feel the mood decisively change as Eridan tried to encapsulate his worries into a single ‘but’. Bad news.

"But sometimes—sometimes I feel like I have to goad him into it, you know?" he finally said.

"How so?"

"I dunno, I just—when he gets into it, he really gets into it. I mean it. But if he—if he was genuinely—Ugh…" The violet blood brought a frustrated hand to his closed eyes, as if trying to collect himself.

"It’s okay. Take your time." Karkat nudged him encouragingly with his foot.

"… That’s not somethin’ you have to push for, is it? Bein’ hated right. We’ve only got together, but it’s always me takin’ the initiative."

"M-hm," Karkat nodded thoughtfully.

"Isn’t it too soon for him to go soft on me? Granted it’s been a while since I’ve done any a this, but I don’t get what he’s thinkin’ at all…"

"So he gets bellicose when you prompt him, but he doesn’t really start it."

"Yeah."

"Maybe he just likes being pushed around? No, I’m serious. You have a knack for getting people worked up. That’s how you two did things back in the day too, so it wouldn’t be beyond the bounds of possibility to see his passiveness as a natural progression of that dynamic," Karkat offered, although unconvinced. Eridan sighed.

"He didn’t even hate me that way then…"

"But you did."

"I’m not sure, Kar. We were proper black on our first date, I know he’s capable of hatin’ my guts romantically."

"What are you getting at, then? You think he’s losing interest?"

"… Do you?" Eridan started playing with his ear fins nervously. He looked like he really didn’t want to hear the answer to that question.

"Let’s not jump to conclusions yet, I’m going to need a bit more context. You asked him out first, right?"

"Kinda."

"Kinda? What do you mean ‘kinda’? Isn’t your kismessitude official?"

"It is. It’s official." Eridan crossed his arms and stared at the ceiling, his expression irritable. Highbloods didn’t particularly enjoy being questioned about any given subject, but especially not about their romantic aptitude.

"You started dating spontaneously, no confessions needed," Karkat spat incredulously (while internally wondering if that could possibly apply to his own situation).

"He said it too, y’know, that he hates me. I just didn’t get down on one knee or anythin’ like that. We don’t go callin’ each other pet names either."

"Hmmm… Let’s summarize what we have. He doesn’t show his hatred as much as you’d like him to, which is making you question whether your feelings are one-sided… Again, that’s without taking into account your quadrant imbalance, which could definitely be having an impact on your relationship if he were to be—or already was in the know. But let’s say that it’s all on him and that you’re coming off caliginous enough for the sake of argument."

"…"

"The way you tell it, it doesn't sound like he’s actively distancing himself from you or your advances. And it’s not like he doesn’t reciprocate either… In a way. What I’m saying is, he apparently has no problem with verbalizing the animosity he feels towards you. Doesn’t mind other people perceiving you as an item either. And he’s intense too, even if only at times. Sounds correct so far?"

"… I guess."

"So the only logical conclusion is that he hates you, isn't it? The fucker is naturally moody and he’s never been that tactful around you to begin with, so if he truly was bored of you… he’d have dumped your ass by now," Karkat concluded.

"Ouch. Talk about tactfulness."

"Oh, shut up. It just doesn’t make sense for him to lie about something like that," he contemplated. An unlikely idea crossed his mind just then. And by the sole virtue of giving it serious consideration… it started feeling a lot less unrealistic. "Unless, of course…"

"What? Unless what?"

"… When you say he’s going soft on you, how do you mean it exactly? Is he half-assing the bickering, being fake, dispassionate? Or is it more like he’s… weirdly agreeable?"

"I don't see how that's—Where are you goin' with that line of questionin'?"

"Just think about it. Is the way he treats you not pitch enough or is it not pitch at all?" Karkat asked. The whole picture was starting to fall into place.

"You can't be implyin'—" Eridan sat up, with confusion painted all over his features. "What are you implyin'?"

"Answer my questions, you fucktwat! Is soft a literal word you'd use to describe his behavior?"

"I, uh—I really don't—It's—I don't know about—" Eridan's eyebrows furrowed together, he seemed to be catching up with the theory. It took him almost a full minute to finally say: "He's nice. He's bein' nice to me, Kar."

"Well, fuck, if that isn't a shocking turn of fucking events…" Karkat whistled. There was always that inevitable moment where his theories became a highly plausible reality and he could only sit back and watch the plot unfold. Maybe it was perverse of him, but nothing could top the thrill of knowing he’d been right all along.

"D-do you think he's going red? For me?" Eridan spat.

"No, I think he's blinking black and red like a glow-worm party stick."

"No way. He's vacillatin'?" He actually clutched his imaginary pearl necklace, his eyes had become disproportionately wide. "W-w-wait, wait. Are you for real? You're not fuckin' with me, are you?"

"I'm for real. He clearly doesn't know what to do with you, how could I not see that? Hahaha, oh my God, it's seriously hysterical now that I do," Karkat chuckled (mostly to himself).

"Wh—?"

"Don't you get it? You two assholes have been going back and forth all along, testing the waters on the other fucking shore to see how far you could go, but you didn't even notice because you were too busy pretending that what you have is pure caligine!"

"Is that really it? But I—I don't think I've been that obvious about my flushed feelin's!"

"Then, the more reason for him to be frustrated, dude! He's trying to keep up with the antagonism because he thinks he owes you a good black romance (owing to the fact that you're coming off pitch black), but he can't. He simply can't because his love for you is getting in the way of his hatred and his hatred in the way of his love! It's as plain as the nose in your face, really. By the book love-fucking-hate. All volatile and unstable because it couldn't be any other way with you morons."

"Holy shi—" Eridan covered his mouth as he closed in on himself, the shock too raw to even be aware of what he was doing. "… We're the same…? He and I are the same?"

"Looks like it. Congrats, man, if you talk it out you might be getting yourself two boyfriends for the price of one." Karkat patted Eridan on the back, half amused, half supportive.

"You think I should…?"

"Get yourself a double boyfriend? Duh."

"No. Ask him about it, you idiot," Eridan corrected. "If you're wrong—"

"—I'm not wrong. When have I ever been wrong?"

"Well, regardless! How would that even work!"

"Well, it’s obviously not going to be easy," Karkat shrugged. "But. If anyone can make quadrant flickering work… I bet it’s the bipolar coder dude with a numerological obsession. It’s bizarrely fitting—almost poetic—if you think about it: he’ll be a double agent of concupiscent romance."

"Ugh. Stop talkin', you’re givin’ me a headache," Eridan complained after blinking incredulously at Karkat for some long, long seconds. But instead of kicking him out of his apartment for the unwanted (yet well received) revelation… he stretched his legs over his friend's, effectively trapping him in place. "Woe is me… Intimacy sure is convoluted… Too much work for the little payoff, if I do say so myself…" he sighed.

"What are you getting all physical for, dickhead?" Karkat tried to shake him off, but failed.

"We're bondin', Kar. That's what friends do." Eridan curled up even closer to him, if only to be a dick.

"Eugh. I should have never called you a friend to your face. I should have known you'd get clingy…" Karkat groaned, but didn't even make as if to push Eridan away this time. "Also, you're cold as fucking shit."

"And you're disgustingly warm. Stupid land dwellers and their stupid little heat regulation systems…" he rolled his eyes.

"Classist asshole…" Karkat spat back.

"Mutant prick…"

"Ha. Weirdo."

"I'm not—You know what, what about it? You're no better than I am," Eridan easily shrugged him off. "… I was… jokin' just now. By the way?" He turned a little to check if he’d overstepped with the blood jab. Karkat snorted.

"I know." He grabbed both of Eridan’s horns and pulled at them not quite gently, but still in good fun. "You better be, fuckass. Your commoner boyfriend is theoretically lower than me on the hemospectrum, anyway."

"What, you feel threatened by his golden blood or somethin'?" Eridan took the inexistent distance between them as an invitation to rest his head on Karkat’s lap. Sometimes he was more like an entitled pet than a troll.

"Gold—Now it's golden? His human piss yellow blood is suddenly nectar of the Gods? Check your bias, man."

"So he’s a piss blooded rat with a bad temper, what of it? You needn’t feel inferior, Kar, your red blooded suitor ain’t gonna give a shit about that," Eridan laughed and—again—he sounded so unashamedly affectionate just thinking about Sollux that Karkat could only scrunch his nose at him.

"Who are you? No, really, seeing you act like a lovestruck school girl is nauseating. I’m actually dry heaving."

"Well, you better keep it dry. This carpet costs more than you can afford payin’. And don’t even think about gettin' any funny substances on my imported sofa. It’s velvet, a nightmare to clean off…" Eridan kicked Karkat playfully and they fell into a reflective silence. They both had much to think about.

"It’s good. That you found someone," Karkat broke the silence after a while. For all he teased Eridan about romance, he truly was happy for him.

"Huh? Where did that come from?" Eridan shuffled slightly.

"Nowhere. I was just thinking you look much happier now."

"Thanks? I’m sure you’ll figure it out soon too. With the human coffee boy."

"… You don’t really have to bring him up every single time we talk, you know."

"That’s the only way you ever tell me things, Kar. If I force them outta you."

"That’s not true! I tell you things. Sometimes."

"Like how you told me about your date? Or your crush?" Eridan accused.

"Hmph, you apparently know more about how I feel than I do, so…" Karkat shrugged. "Shit’s too embarrassing to talk about casually, anyway. I mean, I don’t even talk about most of these things with Kanaya. And she’s my really good friend, for God’s sake."

"Give it up for the official romance guru of our group, everyone," Eridan snorted. "Why don’t you, though? Talk about your romantic troubles with Kan?"

"It just hasn’t come up. Much."

"It’d be good for you if you brought it up, I think. Her insights are pretty spot on… And come to think of it, isn’t she datin’ a human too?"

"What do you mean ‘too’… And what the fuck? You talk to her? About love?" Karkat asked, shocked.

"She knows about Sol, if that’s what you’re askin’," Eridan admitted. "Not as much as you, obviously, but she’s—it’s good with her. Better than with the other girls, anyway…"

"Don’t fret, I’m 99% certain it’ll eventually get less awkward with Feferi. I mean, she loves everyone and you guys were really close for the longest part of—what, six sweeps? You’ll be fine. As for Vriska… Eh, that girl has her ways, maybe it’s for the best if you don’t get too involved with her. Aradia? She's a fucking mystery. As for the rest—You don’t even care much for the rest, do you?"

"I’m not on, uh, the friendliest terms with them… No. But Kan is tolerable. We get up to all sorts of gossip, even if she’ll never admit it."

"Haha. That’s one unexpected friendship. Not that I didn’t know you two talk. But about love of all things? Unbelievable."

"Don’t go gettin’ jealous, Kar."

"As if. Asshole."

"Anyhow. You should tell her about the Dave human. She’ll know what to do," Eridan insisted.

"That sounds ominous as fuck. But I’m good. For now."

"So fuckin’ obstinate."

"It’s you who’s getting too insistent."

"I won’t apologize for lookin’ out for ya. If you won’t talk to me…"

"You can guilt trip me all you want, but I confide in you more than you think, asswipe."

"Heh, I realize that. What would you even do without me?"

"Not pop a vein every single fucking day of my life. Probably."

"Hey, I played a significant role in you meeting the love of your life, you ungrateful bastard…."

"You’re really taking the credit for that, huh?"

"Excuse me, but you didn’t even know Starboons was a thing before I introduced you to it."

"So? I was better off not entering your world of unceasing hipsterism." Karkat sprawled about on the sofa, forcing Eridan to shift positions. They might as well continue the slumber party talk in a more suitable fashion. "Thanks for the fucking struggle, I guess."

"See? Was that so hard?"

"I’m telling you, I’m not suited for the lifestyle, I haven’t got the boondollars to spare."

"Yet you haven’t missed a single mornin’ coffee since you met him. Curious."

"What are you playing Captain Obvious for? By now we all know I do it for him. You’re not owning me in any way," Karkat shrugged. To his credit, he managed not to blush.

"So romantic." Eridan poked him in the ribs teasingly then stilled, questioning. "What is he like?"

"Dave? He’s pretty—lame. No, full on lame."

"Poor bastard."

"I like that about him, actually. He plays it hard-boiled, like he's cooler than everyone else, but in reality he’s—I don't know, he's dorky and genuinely fun to be around. He's so obsessed with doing things right and being recognized for it, but he doesn’t even have anything to prove to anyone, you know? He works really hard and that already makes him cool in the only way that is truly worth a damn."

"… And he's easy on the eye."

"Well, there's that too. But mostly he's just—he's very—him. And I like him for him," Karkat finished "Uhhh, I mean—Crap, what's with the cheesy bullshit I'm sputtering…"

"Aw, you must like him a whole lot, huh?"

"Why don't you go fucking die?" Karkat pushed Eridan aside with one of the sofa's pillows, his ears had become painfully red. "W-what about Sollux… What do you like about him?"

"What do I like? Or what do I hate?"

"Whichever. Both. Why are you attracted to him?"

"For starters, he goes out lookin' like the biggest nerd who ever lived (with the worst skin I've ever seen)… and he doesn't even care!"

"Wow. The bravery."

"Right? On a more serious note… he's very unlike me."

"That's it? Elaborate."

"You know how depreciatin' he can get, but when we're alone it's just, it doesn't matter. See, that thing you said before about bein' cool in the only way that really matters… He truly doesn't give a fuck about appearances or castes, does he? For better or worse, he sees me for me," Eridan affirmed. "I could never be like that, Kar. I worry about blood, I worry about the talk about me."

"Don't you also see him for who he is? Is he just some mustard blood to you?"

"He's not… You know that's not what I mean! I just—I really admire that about him, is all," Eridan huffed, annoyed that he even had to explain himself. "And sometimes he stirs me up in all the wrong ways, but he keeps me comin' back for more. It's like he's—magnetic. Or some shit."

"Polar opposites do attract, after all…" Karkat concluded. Although he knew both Eridan and Sollux very well, he couldn't imagine how they were when they were together; what they talked about, how vulnerable or real they allowed themselves to be. "Say. Sollux and Dave… they're pretty similar in more than one way, aren't they? Is that creepy or what."

"Haha, I guess it's pretty fuckin' weird," Eridan agreed. "I'm shocked we're talkin' like this, tho."

"Like what?".

"Like it's usually just me tellin' you about whatever and you listen and weigh in with your advice, right? This feels different."

"Because I told you more about Dave?"

"Probably."

"That's what you get for trapping me with your insufferable ass for hours. Es oh fucking es," Karkat rolled his eyes half heartedly. "Actually, if you get mushy I'm jumping out the window, I'm warning you."

"You land lickin'—And I'm supposed to be the dramatic one? I call that bullshit."

"Anyway. What are you going to do about the Captor situation?"

"Ughhh. Beats me. Guess I'll bring it up at some point… Can't say I'm anticipatin' it," Eridan sighed. "Are we sure about it? The flickerin'?"

"You dare question my spotless history of romantic prognosis? The same one that got you a boyfriend in the first place?" Karkat huffed. Criticism of his person… that he could take, but he wouldn't stand for his reputation as an advisor being insulted like that.

"Fff… No. No, but I'd be mortified if I said anythin' and it turned out to be nothin'."

"Eridan, he likes you."

"I'd straight up die, Kar."

"You idiotic drama queen… Why else would he even bother trying to give your rivalry his all when he's clearly not quite feeling it?"

"Who’s to say, could be I'm borin' him out of his mind and he doesn't know how to break it to me…"

"Why would you—No! No. That's absolutely not what's going on, we already discussed that!" Karkat groaned. "I know you moneybags aren't even aware that this is a thing that people do in the real world, but he's being considerate of your supposedly caliginous feelings. Really. It's literally a no-brainer, how much more obvious can it get before you drill it into your thick princely skull?"

"Well, excuse me for bein' skeptical. And rich. And worried within reason."

"Look, you've been doing the exact same thing with him. The whole 'keeping quiet because this is the only way you'll have him' thing?"

"That's not comparable!"

"Ugh, I swear I'm talking to a fucking wall. How is it not? Not to jinx it, but I'm calling it: you two are eventually going to ruin it by trying too hard not to ruin it."

"Fine. I'll bring it up next time he gets somethin' akin to affectionate with me… I fuckin' guess. Satisfied?"

"Yeah, actually. The sense of fulfillment I'm feeling right now is simply overpowering."

"You're such a meddler."

"Maybe I wouldn't have to meddle in your affairs if you weren't a romantically and socially inept fuckboy. Have you considered that?"

"Socially—How dare you! My romantic ineptitude I can own up to, but I'll have you know I'm a socialite in my circles!"

"Socialite? More like the money haver among money havers. Rich people can't physically stop themselves from licking bigger fishes' boots to see if the opulence sticks. Seriously, you guys are faker than the entire Mean Girls cast."

"Sorry, are you callin' me fake by extension? When I've welcomed you into my humble abode, listened to your sorrows and filled your stomach with the best—the worthiest of their weight in gold—pastries in town? All of that out of the goodness of my heart?"

"Shit, you're right. How could I not realize how magnanimous you've been to let a low life like me breathe the same air as you? Let alone feed me!"

"Oh, it's really no trouble, Kar, I'm socially concerned like that. Sometimes too much for my own good, as I'm told…" Eridan considered fake thoughtfully, the bling on his fingers specially blinding as he waved his perfectly manicured hand at Karkat. The guy was insufferably posh, but that was hardly news to anyone. "Are these purpurean crescent rolls the best thing you've ever had or are they the best thing you've ever had?"

"Hmmm… It's a close tie between the best thing I've had and the best thing I've ever had."

"Seriously, though."

"No, yeah. They're pretty good," Karkat agreed. "Do you also play the sugar lusii with Sollux or…?"

"As if he'd let me. I keep tryin' to give him things and he keeps makin' a fuss about it, sayin' that that's not very 'cash-money' of me and to shove that dough up my stinkin' rich nook 'cause he's no fuckin' beggar. Like I'd mind spendin' a pretty penny if it meant he got to look even a fraction less hideous!"

"Wow. Being either of you guys' boyfriend must suck."

"See, I even offered to buy him a new gamer chair so that he'd stop slouchin' like a wretched animal… and he refused! Outright refused! How stupidly against his interests is that!"

"You're willing to fund his pathological gaming addiction? Wow, that truly must be love."

"Well—"

"And agreed: he's a dumbass for not freeloading the fuck out of his ATM boyfriend."

"The disrespect today…" Eridan sighed. "Unbelievable."

"I told you, you wealthy numskulls give me the creeps. Look at this fucking miniature Sea World and tell me it's not the dictionary definition of sumptuousness."

"What's wrong with my aquarium? It makes me feel at home…"

"That statement alone."

"It's true, we sea dwellers yearn for the sea. You wouldn't understand."

"I absolutely don't. Actually, let me take a picture of it, I need to send it to Dave so that we can make fun of you."

"I mean, sure. Use my flawless taste as a conversation starter, see if I give a shit," Eridan shrugged, lazily following the fishes with his eyes. He caught Karkat yawning out of the corner of his eye. "Speakin' of whom. You should probably get some sleep if you don't want to go see him lookin' like death."

"You're kicking me out?"

"You can sleep over if you wanna. I could drive you there tomorrow morn—"

"No way I'm having you chauffeur me around in your tacky ass purple Lamborghini."

"Then yes, I'm kickin' you out. And it's not purple, but violet."

"Oh, wow. Petty."

"What? It's you who's turnin' the offer down, not me."

"… I didn't say no to sleeping over, though?"

"Oh. Alright then!" Eridan clapped his hands, excited about the promise of a sleepover. "Do you want to share a bed or—"

"Ah, I forget you're so 'exclusive' you have a bed instead of a recuperacoon." Karkat rolled his eyes.

"What, some human contrivances are comfortable. Even I see that. Besides, if you're going to date that douche—"

"Okay, stop. I'll take the sofa, I've had enough of your fugly face for a day."

"Are you sure? There's plenty of space for the two of us…" Eridan insisted as he got to his feet.

"Yes, 100% sure. Go do your skin care routine or whatever it is you do before sleeping," Karkat commanded. Eridan stared at him quizzically before disappearing into one of the adjoining rooms without a word. "Uh, Eridan…?"

"Aha?" He poked his hand out of the door. "Come over here for a sec, will you?"

Karkat stood up and approached the room distrustfully, already sensing a trap. He wasn’t wrong to be wary, the door led to a luxurious bathroom, the most remarkable attribute of which was that it had an enormous sunken bathtub smack right in the middle. It wasn’t a jacuzzi—he thought?—but it was only some inches away from officially entering the pool category.

Eridan was standing by a gigantic mirror, he had let his hair down and put on a spa-like headband to keep it off his face. He was rubbing his bruised eye with some sort of ointment.

"Fuck. Off," Karkat groaned (and downright bleated) when Eridan shoved some equally indecipherable cleansing product against his chest.

"Put some of that on," he ordered. He pointed at the amalgamation of skin care products that circled the sink (quite threatingly, in Karkat’s eyes) and added: "Then rinse, then this. Then a drop of serum, then—I think you can skip the eye cream, actually. A bit of moisturizer will do. Then the highlight of my fuckin’ life: this," he held up a face mask packet for Karkat to see.

"I’m good, thanks."

"What do you mean you're 'good'! Skin care routines are an anchor of stability and emotional well-bein’ in your life, didn’t you know? You should at least give them a try."

"Yeah… No. I’d rather keep away from your sponsored face cream frauds if you don’t mind."

"Huh? These aren’t sponsored, those are sponsored," Eridan pointed a finger at a stack of samples that was carefully set aside from his actual, personal assortment. "Just stop bein’ a wuss and wash your fuckin’ face. It’ll feel good."

Karkat grudgingly shuffled closer to Eridan, put on a headband he was being offered and splashed his face with water before taking the plunge and applying whatever the violet blood told him to. His skin wasn’t particularly bad, but he was surprised to find out that the cleansing effect was indeed noticeable. And as Eridan had promised, it did feel good.

"See? Not that distressin’, was it? Here." Eridan turned Karkat around by the shoulders, using his pinky fingers because the rest of his hands were too busy trying not to wrinkle a face mask. "Raise your face a bit—That’s it. Stay still."

"Oh, refreshing," Karkat grumbled. Eridan laughed.

"Of course it’s refreshin’, you distrustin’ piece of shit."

"Well, thanks for that, asshole." Karkat shoved him aside half forcefully (but mostly fondly). "Sollux is so missing out on these luxuries, man…" he whistled. He watched as Eridan easily applied his own facial mask.

"Ha, right? I keep tellin’ him, but he won’t listen!" Eridan agreed. "A little pamperin’ never hurt nobody…"

"I didn’t think I would be agreeing with you there, but fuck me, if I don’t feel changed…"

"I know. Anyway, let me get you a blanket or somethin’ and we can take these off."

"Oh, sure. Thanks."

"Don’t mention it," Eridan offered him a gentler smile than he was used to see.

A few minutes later, they’d already said their good nights and slipped into their respective beds.

It felt strange; the closeness, the comfort. In that liminal space between wake and dream Karkat thought about the life choices that had led to the friendship he’d somehow come to build with Eridan, about the rouged blackrom that Eridan shared with Sollux and—lastly—his not so platonic comradeship with Dave.

As the silent fishes cast blue shadows over the dark room, he recalled what Eridan had said about not getting down on one knee to make things official with Sollux. Maybe Dave would touch on that before he had to. Maybe after seeing him the next day things would resume being (and feeling) normal. Hell, maybe they didn’t need a name for what they had at all! Or did they…?

He let the countless amenities at Eridan’s hive lull him to sleep before his concerns could wrinkle his freshly revitalized face.

Chapter Text

Karkat looked down to his rolled up sleeves and the heavy platinum watch that now decorated his wrist (a far better fate than wearing one of Eridan’s stupidly expensive Montblanc leather bracelets). His hair was slicked back in a way that just screamed fake casual and his eyebrows were, for the first time in his entire life, perfectly defined.

He might feel uncomfortable with his stylism, but his rich boy disguise became a secondary concern the moment Eridan pulled an illegal U-turn right in front of Starboons. That was when he knew he should have just walked. He flinched at the skidding sound and considered not showing his face at the store at all as Eridan adjusted the rear view mirror to check himself—and his Versace sunglasses—out. Even before they stepped out of the Lamborghini, he could feel the onlookers boring their eyes into them, surely thinking that they must be the biggest assholes alive. And how was he to deny it when they looked and acted the part?

"Did you really have to do that?" Karkat asked as he deflated into his seat.

"Do what?"

"Oh, you know," he shrugged. "Show your entire attention starved ass by driving like you're in fucking Mad Max? Like, seriously, Eridan. Wasn't forcing these poor, sweet, innocent civilians to look at this flashy monstrosity that you call a car enough?"

"What the fuck are you even sayin'? Come on now, get out."

"Ugh… You know what? Maybe I can live without coffee today, after all."

"Kar, I'm not a taxi driver. Besides, I'm gettin' myself a Mocha for the trouble, so… Get. Out," Eridan insisted.

"Wh—You're coming? No way I'm gonna let you walk in like some—Some—" Karkat groaned unintelligibly against the dashboard. "—Nope… No. Thanks for driving me, but no."

"Excuse me? Since when exactly do you get to decide where I can or can't go?"

"Eridan."

"Oh my glub, I'm not even gonna talk to him, relax. See, this is how it plays out: I walk in, get my stuff and leave you to your flirtation."

"That's it."

"Yeah? That's it."

"Alright. Whatever. If you could keep your entitlement to the minimum, I'd really appreciate it."

"Entitle—?" Eridan scoffed. "Fine. Fine." He raised his hands appeasingly. "By the way, you should mind the do—" he tried to warn Karkat before he smashed his forehead against the roof. Low car.

"Augh—groinhumping hell! I HATE THIS CAR! I hate this car and I hate your fucking face and your stupid Versace sunglasses! And most of all: I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

"Yeah, well. You shoulda listened," Eridan shrugged and stepped out of the vehicle like he'd just landed on the MET Gala red carpet. His entrance to the establishment was as flashy (again, as it was uncalled for).

Dave was at the counter, obviously not oblivious to the ruckus that the pair had created outside. Struck by déjà vu, Karkat saw his pale eyebrows shooting up, mouth half frozen in an unbelieving, sort of unamused snigger.

"I mean, same," was what he wanted to express with his eyes.

"Sup, gentlemen," Dave greeted once they were right in front of him.

"Hi," Eridan greeted back, not even bothering to disguise his full body examination of the barista.

"Uh, hey… Dave," Karkat joined in. "Um, I don’t think you’ve officially met Eridan."

"Yeah, no. I don’t think so," Dave agreed and extended his hand to Eridan. "Hey, man, I’m Dave."

"Oh, I know," Eridan answered simply. His fingers curled up fastidiously before he decided to take the hand he was being offered. Karkat’s blood went cold during the long seconds it took him to say: "… I’ve heard about you. Ack—Only good things, of course," he finished before Karkat could burrow his elbow any deeper between his ribs.

"Shit. All lies, then." Dave snorted.

"Ha. Haha! Anyway. I thought I’d drop Kar by, he gets absolutely intolerable without his coffee."

"I—Wh—Ha?"

"Oh, yeah, classic decaffeinated Karkat," Dave agreed.

"Right? What even is his deal, he’s like, shoutin’ at the top of his lungs first thing in the mornin’."

"Don’t I know it, bro. My man here be lifting up his voice so hard he might as well be declaring unto my people their transgression, and to the house of Jacob their sins."

"Uh… ? What? I don’t have a clue what human chickenshit you’re alludin’ to, if I’m honest, but I think I might agree."

"It's from this human bestseller from the original universe… No? Well. Point is: Karkat. He's shrieky."

"Dave, don’t enable him."

"Hm. Kay, boss man, you’re the boss," the blond acceded. "What can I get you?"

"Hope it’s not too entitled a me if I ask for a, listen closely: Grande, Quad, Non-fat, No-whip Soy Milk Mocha," Eridan said.

"Um, sure? No problem."

"Why don’t you ask for a specific foam percentage since you’re at it, hm? Fucking brat." Karkat tried (and failed) to whisper as Dave turned his back to them.

"Ugh, Mocha is not supposed to have foam, Kar. Why don’t you keep your ignorant blabber mouth shut for a minute?" Eridan rolled his eyes sufferingly. "Ah, but do make that warm. To go. Thanks," he told Dave. Karkat gave him another death stare. "What? I said thanks."

"Oh. He said thanks," Karkat repeated. "I literally can’t stand your hipster Karen ass."

"Karen? What’s a Karen? Anyhow, feelin’ confrontational today, are we?" Eridan whistled.

"Yeah, every day with you is like a day at war, actually. No, no, I mean it. There’s something about your face that is just asking to be punched."

"Yeah? Well, see how that’s worked out for me," Eridan sighed. "But also, get in fuckin’ line cause you ain’t gettin’ a piece a me."

"Thank fuck. Didn’t ask, don’t want it."

Dave followed their exchange from the kitchenette like he was watching a tennis match. Platonic hatred was more than he could wrap his pretty human head around.

"There you go. Your Soy Milk Mocha. Grande, warm… No-whip, non-fat… Etcetera."

"Great." Eridan collected his drink, but didn’t take out his wallet or move. "Kar?"

"Eh?"

"Tell him what you want. My treat."

"Oh. Emotional reparations, more like… You sure?" Karkat asked, just to make sure. Eridan nodded. "Uh, in that case… one café au lait. Whatever you call it here. Tall."

"Caffè Misto? Heads up: it’s strong."

"I’ll take it."

"If that's all…" Eridan slid the total of the order across the counter and nudged Karkat in a way that could only be described as suspicious. "Have… fun."

"Thanks?"

"Oh, he's leaving?" Dave wondered out loud, Karkat simply shrugged. Eridan waved at them from the door and before they knew it, he and his lambo had taken off like a bat out of hell. "What the f—Wait, wait, wait. Holy shit, bro. Look at this juicy ass tip."

"What? Just how much did he—God, he’s literally unbearable."

"Hey, you won't see me complaining…" Dave shook his head. "So. Your order. Tall Misto. To go?"

"Ah, no. I’ll have it here."

"Coolio."

Karkat suddenly became overly conscious of the fact that they were finally all alone (as alone as two people could be in a downtown Starboons, anyway). It wasn’t like they hadn’t seen each other a few times after their make out, but he’d somehow managed to dodge the ‘what are we?’ bullet every single time.

"What’s up—What’s up with your get-up today, anyway? You infiltrating a fraternity?" Dave interrupted his thoughts. He looked awkward as well.

"Ugh. Don’t even ask, man. I don’t even—" Karkat began carding through his hair in a half successful attempt at messing it up.

"You look good, actually. Downright luscious." Dave laughed. "Oh shit, hold that thought. I was supposed to feed the juicer some oranges. Lemme fruit ninja them up real quick?"

"Oh, sure. No rush."

"Thanks, bro. It’ll be a second."

Dave gathered some oranges and distractedly put a knife down on the counter. The knife spun out of his grasp when it met the slippery surface and before he could stop it, Karkat reflectively grabbed it by the blade.

"Fuck—" he exclaimed as he let go and closed his hand into a fist. He could feel the tang of freshly spilled blood in his palm; he froze up. How could he have been so careless?

"Oh, shit, barista 101: don’t go dropping knives all over the fucking place, you fucking—Wait, you okay? Like, you didn’t get hurt, right?" Dave finally noticed Karkat’s panicked demeanor and tried reaching for his hand, but he drew it back in a shocked silence. "Shit, shit, shit, don’t tell me—Is it deep? Does it—Does it need stitches? I can't drive for shit, but maybe I can—"

"No. No, It's fine, it's nothing," he lied.

"Let me see," Dave insisted, his face now a full frown. "Dude."

"It's really nothing."

"Okay. Alright. It’s nothing serious, but you’re still bleeding, right? So why don’t you come wash it on the back?" The blond pushed the little saloon door to his right open for Karkat, but he shook his head, body still locked in place. "Karkat?"

"It’s just—My blood is kind of—" he hesitated. "—It’s red. It’s red, alright?"

"I… know that?" Dave answered cautiously.

"Wha—?"

"Yeah, man. I've seen trolls blush before, it's kind of hard to miss how you guys flare up like walking rainbows."

"Then you must also know it's not a normal color to have, huh, wise guy?"

"Bro, all humans bleed red. What's the big deal?"

"It's a big deal because—" Karkat huffed.

"That was actually a rhetorical question. I'm all on the loop about the good old troll pantone drama. Something about the homospectrum or some shit, right? Real gory stuff. I know."

"Dave—"

"No, really. In all seriousness. I know. I was trying to make light of it because you look upset as fuck, but like, I can see it's not landing well so I'll just… Just let me take care of that, okay?"

"…"

"Come on, I ain't judging. I literally lack the context to even care. I mean, I care about you caring, but I don't care, care. Besides, bleeding out right in front of everybody’s salad seems kinda counterproductive, doesn’t it?"

"Yeah… Yeah, you’re right. Sorry," Karkat agreed. He followed Dave into the back of the store compliantly and allowed him to wash the cut. The first aid kit only contained Hello Kitty band-aids, which looked comically out of place in Karkat’s huge hands. They both snickered softly at the sight.

"All patched up. Boss’s definitely gonna be up on my ass when he finds out, but I’m glad it wasn’t serious." Dave continued babbling as he usually did, but Karkat was so unsettled staring at his hand that he completely missed what he was saying. "Bro? Do you want to get that checked?"

"Eh? Ah, no, I was just thinking. With how things are with me, it has always surprised me that you're so red."

"Haha, what do you mean?"

"I don’t know. You're practically drowning in the stuff. You wear red, you bleed red, you type in red."

"Guess I just really fucking like the color red, my man," Dave laughed.

"Okay, but your eyes are also red. That's not normal."

"Wow, thanks."

"I’m not calling you a freak, you know what I mean."

"That's just my protagonist syndrome acting up, bro. I'm built different," Dave shrugged, but got serious to add: "Man, I'm sorry if I pushed you to share something you didn't want me to know about you."

"No, it's—I'm kind of relieved, actually. Maybe it doesn't make much sense to you—maybe it doesn't make much sense to anyone—but my, I guess, mutant blood has always been one of my biggest insecurities," Karkat confessed. Seeing as the atmosphere had become candid, Dave leaned on the dishwasher, inviting his friend to do the same. "You know, when I was younger I would bluff like I had this really cool secret that everyone else was unfortunate not to know, like I didn't care all that much. But I sort of—I sort of really fucking did."

"M-hm… But your troupe never gave a shit about your blood, right? And they’re like the troll Rainbow Brite squad, the extended toQgers."

"Yeah. They were actually always onto me, but I guess no one really gives a flying fuck about castes in this day and age. Well, no one but me and the empire nostalgics. But what else is new?"

"Ouch. Empire nostalgics like your dignified hipster bestie? (no offense)"

"Haha. Yeah. Like him. He's terminally obsessed with history and I guess it makes sense, in a way? He would have been a big shot in Alternian society."

"You don’t say."

"Shocking, I know."

"How big are we talking about here? Just for reference."

"Pretty fucking big."

"No, man, that won't do. I'm gonna need a geographical reference to really grasp it."

"What do you want me to say, Dave? I’m not as well versed in size comparisons as you are."

"Try it. On an earthling solar system scale?"

"Who the fuck knows… Jupiter?"

"Damn. So, like, really fucking big."

"Yup. Violet bloods are the second highest and they are rare."

"Not as rare as you, though."

"Well, yes. Not as rare as me."

"Cool. So what's his deal then, he's upset he's not royalty? Isn't he, like, filthy rich?"

"Eh, it's complicated. He is filthy rich, but coming to terms with his irrelevance is still a hard blow, I guess," Karkat contemplated. Dave laughed after a beat or two. "What? What are you snickering to yourself about?"

"Phrasing."

"Oh. I meant that in a cosmic relevant sense. But honestly? I keep telling him to step down his high seahorse."

"No, yeah, I can see why."

"Anyway, shouldn't—shouldn’t we head back outside? I feel like I'm absorbing forbidden Starboons Intel just by standing here." He glanced around awkwardly.

"Hahaha, alright Plankton. Out we go." Dave jokingly ushered him out by the shoulders, his hands were all warm.

"Hey, Dave?"

"Myeah?"

"Thanks for being cool."

"About…?"

"About everything, actually. But mostly the issue. Blood issue?"

"Oh. No problem."

When they emerged from the back room, Dave resumed his orange cutting duties and prepared Karkat his coffee. Then the troll sat at his usual spot and they chatted about whatever. As if nothing had ever happened or changed between them, as if they were just two friends that hadn’t known the warmth of each other’s lips.

Karkat was disappointed. Even as Dave used up his break to walk him out in a barely subtle attempt at extending their time together, he was irremediably disappointed. He’d run away like a coward and now they were stuck and he was too afraid to bring the subject up or take a step forward.

"Uh. Yo, Karkat. Since we’re already on the up and up about personal-ish stuff today… I was wondering—" Dave interrupted his mental beration once again, his timing always so right… and so wrong.

"…Yeah?"

"Well, y’know, since we haven’t been as tight lately, I was wondering if I… went wrong somewhere?" he finally spat. Karkat turned to look at him and finally saw him for the anxious mess he’d become. Sometimes it was easy to forget that the Strider’s confidence was all but a facade.

"I’m really not ready to have this conversation…" Karkat thought to himself. "Wrong?" is what he dared to say out loud. Dave sighed at the non-commitment of the answer.

"Yeah. It wouldn’t be beyond the realms of possibility that I did or said something so incredibly stupid the other day that I made things awkward between us. Or like, maybe you just realized this hot piece of ass isn’t so hot in terms of dateability (which is also okay, really). But I think it’d be cool if you let me know what’s up so that I could brace myself for the fallout or cooldown. Potentially."

"What the fuck? Fuck, no. No, no, no. Dave. You’re so wrong, that’s not what’s happening at all!"

"Hella. Am I going too fast then…?"

"Jesus fuck, I—I’m not really sure I—"

"Hey, man, it’s a non-issue if I’m oversaturating you or something. I don’t want to be all up on your dick, I’m just—trying to understand. I guess. Gotta know if we’re still cool."

"We are! Y-yeah. We’re good. For real. I’m not—I’m not tired of you, and I sure as hell don’t—dislike you?" Karkat cringed at his own words. "Real smooth, Karkat…" he mumbled to himself.

"Thank fuck," the blond breathed out, relieved.

"I’ve… been thinking about what happened a lot, you know?"

"Yeah…? I mean, same. Obviously."

"Uh, and I think I might need to do some more thinking? Before we have The talk, I mean," Karkat concluded. He couldn’t understand himself, why was he so keen on dragging this out? Why couldn’t he just bring himself to confess his feelings and see how that went? What was there to fear when Dave clearly felt something for him too?

"Oh, shit. The talk, capital The?"

"…If that’s okay?" He met Dave’s eyes like he was actually confident about what he’d just said. "Stupid, stupid, stupid…" he kept telling himself internally.

"No, yeah. By all means, bro. Mull it over to your heart’s content," Dave acceded. His face didn’t give away disappointment. Or nothing much at all. "Or, you know, don’t think too hard about it… if you don’t wanna. Honestly, It really doesn’t have to be a federal fucking issue, we can continue hanging out as we’ve been doing; I’m absolutely capable of keeping my hands to myself and being just the appropriate amount of horny."

"Sure. I’m counting on you to be your usual blunt and weird self."

"Cool. So… Can I slide into your DMs then? Like, with stupid shit? Is that still cool?"

"Of course it is, Dave. … We’re bros, right?"

"Right. Totally. No buddy like a brother."

"Uh."

"Anyway. I should prooobably head back. Um… Yeah. Tell your friend thanks?"

"Definitely. Will do."

"And… sorry about the knife."

"That wasn’t even your fault, don’t sweat it. Talk to you later?"

"Sure. You know where to find me, I know where to find you…" Dave nodded. "… Have a good one."

"You too…"

And so, Karkat left with an impending feeling of failure and a half ruined hair.

Chapter Text

It took an entire day for Dave to slide into Karkat's DMs. Karkat knew because he'd counted every hour; bandaged palm close to his forehead in case he felt the sudden urge to smack himself for his stupidity. Instant coffee getting cold by his side because he hadn’t dared returning to Starboons so soon after the heart-to-heart fiasco.

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 20:00

TG: so
TG: hey
CG: OH.
CG: HEY.
TG: hows hello kitty
CG: EH?
CG: AH. STILL IN THE FRONT-LINE OF OPEN WOUND PROTECTION.
CG: WITH HER LITTLE BUTTON NOSE AND HER LITTLE RED BOW AND ALL.
TG: shit i salute her for her commitment to duty
TG: and fashion
CG: (:B
TG: does it hurt
CG: NNNNOPE. I MIGHT HAVE OVERREACTED A LITTLE BACK THERE YESTERDAY.
CG: SORRY ABOUT THAT.
TG: nah man its me whos sorry
TG: i was careless and i put you in an uncomfortable position
TG: which was definitely not my intention
TG: but is a thing that still happened so
CG: DON'T BEAT YOURSELF OVER IT, STRIDER. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU PUT THAT KNIFE IN MY HAND.
TG: well
TG: no i didnt
TG: but still man
CG: BUT STILL WHAT? IF ANYTHING MY FIRST-CLASS FIGHT INSTINCTS ARE TO BLAME.
TG: yeah well next time someone throws a knife at you maybe you could
TG: idk dodge it instead of getting your nubby hands on it
TG: like
TG: trust me on this karkat pulling a matrix dodge is more realistic than going for the mummy returns knife frisbee
CG: I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND. THANK YOU.
TG: youre welcome
TG: just be sure to clean it up properly ok
TG: we dont want you catching the fucking tetanus
CG: WE, WHO? STARBOONS AND YOUR HORDE OF VILE INTIMIDATVOCATES?
TG: intimidatvowhat
TG: im only a barista bro ive no power there
TG: no
TG: but for real
TG: disinfect it
TG: change your bandaid often
TG: i would feel full on guilt if it left a scar or if it didnt heal properly or something
CG: RELAX, DAVE. IT'S NOT EVEN THAT DEEP.
TG: shit doesnt need to be fruit ninja the carnage for me to care man
CG: WELL, YOUR CONCERN IS AS APPRECIATED AS IT IS UNNECESSARY.
CG: BECAUSE I'M *REALLY* FINE.
TG: great
TG: cool
TG: so busy week incoming or what
CG: WHY? DID YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN MIND?
TG: what
TG: no
TG: im just sitting here
TG: sipping on my aj
TG: asking for the sake of casual conversation
CG: OH. IN THAT CASE… KINDA.
CG: THEY’RE LAUNCHING THIS NEW GAME SOON AND WE’RE WAY BEHIND SCHEDULE SO… SMELLS LIKE OVERTIME FOR ME.
TG: damn
TG: crunch culture in action
CG: YEAH.
CG: YOU MUST BE ENGAGED WITH YOUR CERTIFICATION THING TOO, RIGHT? WASN’T IT THIS MONTH?
TG: yup ive been going over the materials with my coworkers
TG: following the dream
TG: but like
TG: im not even that busy
CG: ARE YOU FLEXING RIGHT NOW?
TG: nah bro im just saying
TG: theres always time to bang out the tunes and shit
TG: could even throw in some crochet in there for leisure points if i wanted
TG: you know how it is with me
TG: always multing those tasks
CG: AHA. YES, I'VE NOTICED YOUR INABILITY TO BE STILL. EVER.
TG: yo my chill transcends movement
TG: its a state of mind
TG: but yea id say whatever your lifestyle is there should always be enough margin for a weekly alvin and the chipmunks marathon
TG: okay that sounds like im desperately trying to fish for a hangout
TG: but
TG: i swear im not
CG: UHHH.
CG: I WOULDN’T BE AGAINST A MOVIE NIGHT TO DE-STRESS, ACTUALLY. I HAVE A FEELING IT’S GOING TO BE A LONG WEEK.
TG: that being the case
TG: im all about fishing
TG: unless your idea of thinking things through entails not seeing my face outside of work
TG: in which case im reeling in my metaphorical worms and packing up my fishing basket
TG: shit
TG: what am i even saying
TG: what i mean is
TG: no pressure either way
CG: DAVE, I ALREADY SAID YES.
TG: im aware
TG: but that was kinda leading of me
TG: and leading questions dont hold up in a court of law man
CG: GOOD THING WE'RE BOTH YOUR AVERAGE IGNORANT CIVILIAN AND I’M IN FULL POSSESSION OF MY FACULTIES.
TG: jokes aside
TG: i mean it
TG: if im getting too crazy ex girlfriend on you you can just tell me to fuck right off
CG: I'D SAY I'M GETTING EXACTLY WHAT I PAID FOR.
CG: WHICH IS TO SAY: YOU DON'T HAVE TO TREAT ME LIKE A LANDMINE FIELD, DAVE. IT'S ALL GOOD.
TG: bro im being serious
TG: its pathetic just bringing it up but youre my best bro and i appreciate what we have
TG: i dont want to make things awkward just because we had a romcom induced doki doki moment
CG: URGH.
CG: I FEEL THE SAME WAY, HONESTLY.
CG: ABOUT OUR FRIENDSHIP.
TG: right
TG: so we can tabula rasa the shit out of that mess and get on with the bestie agenda
TG: is what im saying
CG: NONONONONO.
CG: DAVE.
CG: NO.
CG: I KNOW I'M BEING INCOHERENT, BUT PLEASE. JUST PLEASE. CAN WE PUT THIS ON HOLD FOR NOW?
TG: on hold
TG: as in
TG: pause or suspend or
CG: AS IN "GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE TIME TO SORT THINGS OUT IN MY HEAD BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING MESS"!!!
TG: oh
CG: BECAUSE, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE REALIZED, BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING EXACTLY READY TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT!!!!
TG: no yeah
TG: i noticed
TG: thats precisely why im suggesting we take a step back
TG: no hard feelings or anything
CG: AND I'M SAYING WE DON'T HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!
TG: look
TG: i may have no filter whatsoever but i know when im throwing the baby out with the bathwater and yesterday i straight up yeeted said infant into the fucking ocean
TG: and now im all like rewind man
TG: theres an easy way out
TG: we forget this ever happened and we live happily ever after
TG: fin
CG: BUT I *DON'T* WANT TO FORGET IT, STRIDER!!!!
TG: man im trying to come up with a solution and youre losing me with all your yes buts
CG: SEE HERE. IT'S ACTUALLY FAIRLY SIMPLE.
CG: WHAT I WANT IS FOR YOU TO *STOP* TALKING ABOUT THE DOKI DOKI SITUATION OR ANYTHING OF THE LIKE *IPSO*. *FACTO*!!!
TG: huh
CG: BUT ONLY *TEMPORARILY*!!!
TG: i dont get it
TG: so youre telling me there might be a chance later or
CG: I DON'T KNOW???
CG: I'M TOO CONFUSED TO KNOW!!! WHICH *INCIDENTALLY* IS THE WHOLE PROBLEM!!!
CG: SO I'M BEGGING YOU, CAN WE DROP IT UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE?
CG: IS THAT A THING WE COULD DO?
CG: PLEASE???
TG: yeah sure
TG: sorry
CG: NO SORRIES, ONLY PEACE AND QUIET!!! AND MAYBE SOME ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT????
CG: IF YOU WANT?????
TG: hahaha
TG: sounds like a plan
TG: im in
CG: GREAT!!!
TG: yeah smashing
TG: hey
TG: can i say one last thing at the risk of being reiterative or getting repeatedly smacked in the head with a cartoony newspaper
CG: BE MY GUEST…
CG: I MIGHT JUST TAKE YOU UP ON THE HEAD SMACK OFFER IF THE CONDITIONS ALIGN, THOUGH.
CG: (I.E. IF YOU PESTER ME TOO HARD OR FLUSTER ME ANY MORE THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE)
TG: alright
TG: its a closing thought more than anything
CG: ENOUGH PREAMBLES. GO ON.
TG: okay so
TG: perpetual clowning aside
TG: i truly am sorry for forcing your hand at this when its obviously a more complicated/touchy business than that
TG: i guess what i really want to make clear is that leaving things as they were before is in no way a downgrade for me
TG: and that you dont need to rack your brain to let me off easy because i can take a hard no for an answer
TG: if thats something thats worrying you i mean
CG: OKAY, STOP RIGHT THERE.
CG: JUST STOP.
CG: YOU’RE MAKING IT SOUND LIKE THIS IS A YOU PROBLEM, WHEN IT’S CLEARLY A *ME* PROBLEM, DAVE!!!
TG: idk bro
TG: i feel like i might not be expressing myself properly here
TG: all im saying is that its all cool if youre not into me that way
TG: like id totally get it if you just went nnnope after dipping your toes in those particular waters
TG: im a douchebag and an annoying one at that so
TG: i would understand
CG: I, UH, HHHHHH?????
CG: SJKAAAKJSSSSSJLAMZAIDHXSKAHXNALNXKABKBKZKZMZMMMZMZKAKS
CG: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!
CG: SERIOUSLY!! DROP THE PITY PARTY BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FURIOUS THAT YOU WOULD *EVEN* COME TO THAT CONCLUSION!!!
CG: TAKE IT FROM ME. YOU’RE AN EXTREMELY LIKABLE INDIVIDUAL, I’M JUST!!!!!1
CG: JUST,
CG: IT’S ALL ME, OKAY!
CG: IT’S MY THINK PAN THAT’S BROKEN INTO COMPLETE MAYHEM SINCE WE KISSED THAT NIGHT!
CG: AND THERE’S NOTHING I WANT MORE THAN FOR THINGS NOT TO BE *SO* COMPLICATED. AND SO FINAL! AND SO SERIOUS!!! BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I CAN’T IGNORE HOW MUDDLED EVERYTHING HAS BECOME BETWEEN US, SO…
CG: SO IF YOU COULD LET ME MAKE SENSE OF THIS WHOLE MESS AT MY OWN PACE…
CG: I THINK,
CG: I THINK I’D… REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
TG: roger that
TG: the talk is indefinitely adjourned
CG: I’M REALLY SORRY I CAN’T BE MORE DIRECT THAN THAT RIGHT NOW.
TG: nah man thats direct enough for me
TG: and its actually a relief
TG: in a way
TG: so dont even sweat it
CG: WELL, PHEW!!!
TG: anyway
TG: alvin and the chipmunks marathon at my place y/n
CG: Y!!!
TG: how about i show you that hot chocolate recipe since were at it
CG: YEAH, I’D LIKE THAT.
TG: then its decided
CG: …
CG: THANKS, DAVE.
TG: no biggie bro
CG: I MEAN IT.
TG: its just a chocolate drink man
TG: not the keys to atlantis
CG: THAT’S,
TG: not what youre talking about
TG: i know
TG: gotta de-escalate this conversation somehow
CG: FFFFFFFFFF.
TG: peace out brother
TG: ill wait for you
CG: OKAY…
TG: at the store i mean
CG: OH, RIGHT.
TG: lmao
TG: fuck
CG: THIS ISN’T GOING AS SMOOTHLY AS PLANNED, FOR SOME REASON.
TG: yeah no shit
TG: we fake it til we make it and well be fine i guess
CG: PROBABLY, YEAH.
CG: THEN I’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
CG: PLEASE KEEP THE KNIVES AT BAY.
TG: capeesh mcnubbyhands
TG: i would pad the entire store for you if i could
TG: alas
TG: i guess ill stick to not throwing knives at you for now
CG: HOW KIND OF YOU.
TG: haha
TG: later

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 21:05

The days resumed their course after that first dose of awkward romantic forwardness and soon enough Dave and Karkat found themselves back at the starting line; the sighing, the side glancing… Yes, as much as it terrified Karkat, as undefined as it seemed… he had to admit that their relationship was no longer the platonic ideal he had been defending to the hilt. What was he even so unsure about? How much could romantic love change them, anyway?

After some time, he ended up convincing himself that neither of them needed the confirmation. It didn't seem all that important when he and Dave had begun hanging out more outside of work. In a way, their dynamic wasn’t so different from that of a married couple.

Movie nights had become a thing; and with them… late dinners and unplanned sleepovers. When the hour became late enough—under the unassuming flickering TV lights—gestures that felt too substantial during the day became an afterthought. Huddling closer or letting their hands find their way near each other was the perfect loophole in their self imposed friend zone.

Ah, how easy it was to leave what they had indeterminate when Karkat's fingers casually caught Dave's as he laughed! When their shapes became one under the warm blanket. When Dave rested his head on Karkat's shoulder, eyes shut under his shades, breath soft and sleepy.

How easy it was to ignore the self-evident truth…

But as most lies eventually do, the false sense of calm would soon come to an end; that turmoil of confusing emotions would be—once again—overcoming Karkat like a dam wrecked by a storm… and Eridan was just happy to be there for the collapse.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 03:18

CA: is it official yet or wwhat
CG: WELL, HELLO TO YOU TOO.
CG: I'M FINE. THANKS FOR ASKING.
CA: come on kar
CA: forget all that minutia
CA: its been wweeks
CG: YEAH, I NOTICED. BUT SEE, I WAS OVERCOME WITH ENLIGHTENMENT DURING THOSE WEEKS: LIFE IS A RIVER; WHO THE FUCK EVEN CARES ABOUT OFFICIALITY IN THIS TIME AND AGE? NO, SERIOUSLY. IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING CULLED IF WE DON'T FIND A LIFE LONG PARTNER, SO WHAT'S THE RUSH? I DON'T HAVE TO BE RIGHT AT THE ALTAR TO KNOW WHAT'S UP BETWEEN HIM AND ME.
CA: sorry wwhat
CG: THE WAY I SEE IT, THE BUILD UP IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE OFFICIALIZATION, ANYWAY.
CA: wwhat the fuck are you goin on about
CA: dont givve me that bs
CA: havve you evven confessed
CG: UH… NO???
CA: i cant believve howw outta your depth you are after swweeps a studyin romcoms religiously
CG: TROLLS WHO LIVE IN GLASS HIVES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES.
CA: wwhatevver you mean wwith that
CA: im in a HAPPY and PERFECTLY defined RELATIONSHIP with my BOYFRIEND if you didnt knoww
CG: RIGHT. TOTALLY.
CG: GOG FORBID YOU INFERRING THE OPPOSITE.
CA: kar just because its flickerin it doesnt mean its not real
CG: NO, YEAH, CONGRATS. I'M PLAYING THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE BECAUSE YOU'RE ANNOYING THE FUCK OUT OF ME AND THEN SOME, BUT SOLLUX ACTUALLY TOLD ME.
CA: wwwwwh
CA: he told you
CG: YES, HE EXPLICITLY TOLD ME THAT YOU TWO ARE DATING AFTER WHAT, A MONTH?
CA: wwhat
CA: wwhy noww
CA: wwhats that about
CG: NOTHING, REALLY. I GUESS HE JUST THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME I HEARD ABOUT IT FROM HIM.
CA: wwhy though
CA: did he come to you for advvice
CG: MAYBE?
CA: no wway
CG: YES WAY. AND DON'T GO TRYING TO PRY INFORMATION FROM ME, I TAKE MY CLIENT CONFIDENTIALITY VERY SERIOUSLY.
CA: should i be wworried
CG: WHAT? NO. YOU'RE GOOD.
CA: kar
CG: JESUS FUCK, YOU'RE FINE. IT'S FINE, YOU PARANOID PIECE OF SHIT.
CA: jeez alright
CA: im not askin wwhat
CA: but did he say somethin bout me
CG: ERIDAN, OF COURSE HE SAID THINGS ABOUT YOU. THAT'S A REQUIRED PART OF ASKING FOR ROMANTIC ADVICE.
CA: wwhy wwould he evven ask if things are good
CG: … BETTER PERFORMANCE?
CA: wwhat
CA: wwhats that supposed to mean
CG: DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT. FOR REAL. HE'S 100% INFATUATED WITH YOU.
CG: … OR DISGUSTED.
CG: DEPENDING ON WHATEVER STREAK OF CONCUPISCENCE YOU HAPPEN TO BE ON.
CA: really
CG: COME ON, MAN, YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT. YOU'RE DATING THE GUY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
CA: okay
CA: fine
CA: wwhatevver
CA: noww do you care explainin to me wwhy in the shit you wwont date your stupid hole dwweller guy?
CG: EXCUSE ME, WHAT??? MY *WHAT* GUY???
CG: WHO SAYS I WON'T, ANYWAY? I DIDN'T SAY I WOULDN'T.
CA: so wwhat are you wwaiting for
CA: do you wwant him to ask first or
CG: WELL. HE *TECHNICALLY* ALREADY DID.
CG: KIND OF.
CG: IN A WAY.
CA: right
CA: and you eloquently told him you needed to do some more thinkin blah blah
CG: SO WHAT? YOU DID SOME HEAVY THINKING YOURSELF BEFORE YOU HIT THE JACKPOT, REMEMBER?
CA: yeah cause unlike you i had reasonable cause to think he abhorred me
CA: wwhats your excuse
CG: ERIDAN, STOP PUSHING, ALRIGHT? I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS A WALK IN THE PARK FOR YOU, BUT SOLLUX ISN'T EVEN A DIFFERENT SPECIES.
CA: so is that it
CA: an interracial issue
CG: WHAT?
CG: NO.
CG: WHAT EVEN.
CA: out wwith it
CA: is it because hes a human
CG: NO???
CG: OKAY. MAYBE I'M A BIT CONCERNED ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US, BUT I'M NOT LIKE YOU.
CA: then
CG: YOU WON'T QUIT IT, WILL YOU.
CA: absolutely NOT
CG: HE'S MY FRIEND, OKAY?
CG: HIM BEING A HUMAN IS THE LAST OF MY CONCERNS ABOUT US BECOMING A THING. WHICH I’M NOT EVEN SURE I WANT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
CG: I TOLD YOU BEFORE. I JUST DON'T WANT THINGS TO GET WEIRD.
CA: it didnt make sense before and it doesnt make sense noww
CA: SPECIALLY noww
CG: WHATEVER, MAN.
CA: wweird doesnt havve to mean bad
CG: UGH.
CG: HOW WOULD *YOU* KNOW?
CG: SERIOUSLY, ERIDAN. TELL ME THIS. I'M NOT TRYING TO START SHIT ON THAT FRONT, BUT NOT EVEN 2 SWEEPS AGO YOU WERE A RAGING XENOPHOBE (AND PROUD ABOUT IT). JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE REFORMED AND DATING A LAND DWELLER DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO TELL ME HOW EASY I HAVE IT.
CA: fine
CA: you dont wwant to take it from me dont take it from me
CA: take it from someone wwhos been there before you
CG: WHO?
CG: KANAYA?
CA: you knoww that talk is long due
CA: wwe all knoww it
CG: WE?
CG: YOU GUYS TEAMING UP TO PRESSURE ME IS POSSIBLY THE WORST CASE SCENARIO EVER.
CG: I MIGHT AS WELL JUST SLIT MY THROAT WITH A BUTTER KNIFE.
CA: come on
CA: talk to her
CA: you havve nothin to lose
CG: FUCK OFF.
CA: ok im fuckin right off
CA: but you knoww im right
CA: for once
CG: BEING THE VOICE OF CONSCIENCE DOESN’T SUIT YOU, SO QUIT IT.
CA: troll poseidon help us out
CA: this guy is absolutely clueless
CG: I REALLY CAN’T STAND YOU SOMETIMES…
CA: then block me
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT?
CG: MAYBE I WILL, YOU SEETHING PIECE OF TAINTSUCKING GARBAGE!!!
CA: your insults feel like compliments at this point
CG: THEY’RE MOST DEFINITELY *NOT*.
CG: CAN YOU AT LEAST LET ME HAVE THAT?
CA: sure but
CA: kanaya
CA: talk to her

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 03:40

Chapter Text

Karkat proceeded to not talk to Kanaya—not about his romantic struggle, anyway. A part of him wanted to (it had proven to be pretty liberating with Eridan, after all), but another was still unsure. It was not that he felt uncomfortable around the jade blood—au contrarie!—but talking to her would irrefutably confirm that he didn't know what he was doing... And that was about as exasperating as a glitchy MC getting stuck on a wall. While on fire. The world textures gone with the wind.

Not that there was any space for these considerations in his mind when he was currently curled up against Dave. In his bed. A hot homemade mocha between his fingers.

"How the fuck did we end up here?" he asked himself.

"So, what do you say? Sharknado 6 or The Room?" Dave asked distractedly while he scrolled through a movie list on his phone.

"After Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, 2004? I choose death. Thanks," Karkat snorted.

"Bro, we had a deal. Two of the worst ever ranked movies a week or nothing."

"Yeah, well. I agreed so that you would shut up. Mostly."

"No way. Bromises are sacred, man. Are you really going to smash our trust like that at the first sign of adversity?" Dave raised his eyes from his list, his expression fake offended.

"Ugh… Fine. Give me Sharknado and shut your stupid face."

"Haha. Fuck yeah. But before that…" The blond put his laptop down and wiggled out of the disarray of sheets and pillows (a couple of which were 'ironic' dakimakura, obviously) before asking Karkat: "… You in the mood for Hot Pockets?"

"What are they? More weird processed human food or is that code for something nasty and/or horny?"

"What? You gotta be kidding me. You don't know Hot Pockets?"

"No?"

"The zenith of melty and crispy American goodness and you don't have a clue what they are. This can't be for real. I literally refuse to believe you're for real."

"Well, I am. Ever heard about intercultural differences, dipshit?"

"Dude, no. You have to try them. I will not rest until you know heaven on Earth."

Dave disappeared into the kitchen for a bit and reappeared an indeterminate while later with the promised snacks. Karkat wasn't even surprised when they turned out to be average at best.

"Premium pepperoni pizza flavor, my man. That's what it's all about," Dave laughed, clearly self-satisfied about whatever ironic move he thought he'd just pulled on him.

"Are they supposed to be half-frozen or…? Auch, hot!"

"Absolutely. The Russian roulette of unsafe snack temperatures is part of their charm."

"So you're officially fucking with me, how novel. I feel like—I feel like these aren't going to sit well with me, though…" Karkat mumbled over the sudden rumbling of his stomach.

"Yeah, okay, I'm confiscating that before you get indigestion. Here, give it to me." Dave nudged him until he dropped the half bitten pocket onto his plate.

"All yours. I'd give you the other half, but that would take more regurgitating than I feel bodily equipped to do." Karkat chugged down the rest of his mocha in one go.

"That's disgusting, man."

"So is your face and I have to live with it every day, don't I?"

"You technically don't, actually. You're looking at it of your own volition right now."

"Well, I'm about to smack your ass of my own volition too. How the fuck can you even tolerate this generic molten lava thing when you supposedly are a gourmet? For a living?"

"Duality of man, bro, I'm weathered by experience."

"A dumbass, that's what you are," Karkat scoffed. "Get that movie playing before I regret it."

"Damn, bossy. Catch," he ordered, then threw a Snickers bar at Karkat. That, he liked infinitely better.

"Oh, yummy. Let's see what those sharks are up to this time…"

Halfway through the ungodly mix of natural and unnatural disasters, meteorites, T-rexes, time travel, Hot Pockets, chocolate and—obviously—sharks, they both lost interest… and started making out instead.

There was no buildup for it this time. No nods, no disclaimers, no mention of feelings… No nothing. Dave turned to Karkat with candid intensity, and when the latter returned the gaze, there was no turning back.

Dave's eyes remained hidden under his shades and Karkat didn't dare to see beneath, instead closing his eyes and holding onto Dave's neck with a faltering yet certain level of desperation. The blond answered by grabbing onto his shirt and deepening the kiss. Hands busy, but not so much as to rush to discover each other's bodies over their clothes.

As a matter of fact, when they parted for breath, Dave pulled away entirely; his hands leaving Karkat's chest as reluctantly as Karkat let them.

"Right. We're friends. Friends don't eat each other's faces," Karkat sighed mentally.

"A-alright, sharks. Let's, uh, focus on the shark tornadoes. The shark tornadoes which are—currently being shot full of holes by… the Founding Fathers? Damn, what is this plot."

"Oh… Yeah. Sharks. Plot. Sorry."

"No, no. It was my fault… My fault totally," Dave coughed awkwardly before rewinding to a random moment of the movie.

Karkat followed his movements intently. He could see Dave's blush creeping further under his collar, his ears were also brightly flushed. Should he use up the weird atmosphere to confess?

"… That felt… good, though," is what he ended up saying. He wasn't lying, at least.

"Yup. I mean, fuck. Yeah…" Dave agreed. After a beat or two, he added: "So… you wanna go again? … All in good neighborly fun…?"

"God, yes."

As unplanned as it had started, they found themselves back in each other's arms, their lips eager to pick up where they had left off. Hands bolder than before, but wary regardless. Like there was still a chance to pretend they meant any of it platonically.

They parted just as Sharknado came to an end and they fell into a charged silence. Neither would have known what to say, anyway.

… And that was that.

Another day together, another taste of what it could be if either of them found it in themselves to be honest about their wants.

After that, cuddling and kissing became an occurrence of sorts. The display of obvious affection did not cast off their doubts, but it did scratch an itch in their hearts.

Chapter Text

Eridan's words came back to Karkat after yet another elating but aggravating not-a-date date with Dave. 'You know that talk is long due', he'd said with that wavy double w of his.

Yes, he knew. And it was about time he acted on something, so he opened his Trollian chat client, took a deep breath and looked for Kanaya's solemn green handle.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 23:07

CG: KANAYA.
CG: I KNOW THE GIG IS UP, SO LAY IT DOWN ON ME ALREADY.
GA: Greetings Karkat
GA: And What Might That Gig Thats Up Be
CG: OKAY. I'VE OFFICIALLY HAD IT, SO DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE *NOT* IN CAHOOTS WITH ERIDAN!!!
GA: Being In Cahoots Would Be An Overstatement Of Our Current State Of Affairs
CG: FFFFF.
GA: Im Speaking The Truth
GA: He And I Have Come To Build An Amicable Rapport As A Result Of His Insistent (And May I Confess Often Undesired) Trolling But I Still Do Not Fully Trust Him
CG: WITHOUT SETTING ANY PRECEDENTS OR DERAILING THE TOPIC AT HAND (THE TOPIC BEING: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU TWO BEEN GOSSIPING ABOUT), HE'S A PRETTY OKAY GUY.
GA: I Guess We Could Define Him That Way If We Were Feeling Generous
GA: And To Answer Your Accusation I Can Assure You He Hasnt Told Me Anything About You That I Didnt Strongly Suspect Already
GA: So Yes
GA: I Suppose The Gig Is Up
GA: But Only Because I Didnt Wish To Overstep By Meddling Where Im Not Asked To
GA: Which As You May Remember Has Been A Constant Source Of Trouble For Me In The Not So Distant Past
CG: RIGHT.
CG: LIABILITY DISCLAIMER TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT. NOW CAN YOU TELL ME JUST HOW MUCH YOU KNOW?
CG: OR THINK YOU KNOW, ANYWAY.
GA: The Coffee Shop Human Is Confusing You
CG: SO NOT MUCH AND NOTHING NEW.
GA: Well It Is Indeed Old News To Me But I Did Mean That In A Mayhaps Mutually Romantic Way
CG: MUTUALLY ROMANTIC???
CG: NOW HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES!!! THERE'S NO WAY YOU INFERRED THAT FROM OUR CONVERSATIONS ALONE.
GA: What Can I Say
GA: Youre More Obvious Than You Think You Are But I Might Or Might Not Also Have Winkled Out Some Details From Eridan
CG: SUCH AS?
GA: You Missed Your Chance To Begin Something Of The Amorous Sort With Him Because Of Your Reluctance To Leave What Our Mutual Acquaintance Refers To As The Friend Zone
CG: ????
CG: THAT OBTUSE FUCK!!!!
CG: I'M *NOT* IN THE FRIEND ZONE!!!!!! IF ANYTHING, I'M IN THE FRIEND PALACE WHERE I'M KING, YOU HEAR ME!!!
CG: LIKE HE'S ONE TO TALK ANYWAY…
GA: He Is Definitely Not One To Talk
GA: But For Entirely Different Reasons Im Afraid
CG: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'M IN ABSOLUTE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION. I'M JUST RETREATING MOMENTARILY TO ASSESS THE SITUATION *LOGICALLY*!!!!
CG: BASIC STRATEGY, IF YOU ASK ME!!!!
GA: Oh Of Course
GA: Then I Dont Suppose Youd Need My Advice
CG: WAIT.
GA: My Personal Experience With Human Mingling May Not Be The Strategic Asset Youre Looking For Anyhow
GA: Given That You Are Not Even Looking In The First Place
CG: OKAY…
CG: FINE.
CG: I ADMIT IT.
CG: HE'S RIGHT ABOUT ME BEING LOST… AND I *DO* NEED YOUR INPUT.
CG: HAPPY NOW?
GA: Im Always Most Pleased To Be Of Help To You Karkat
GA: Im Just A Little Saddened You Didnt Even Think Of Coming To Me Like Ive Myself Come To You Whenever Ive Been
GA: As Hip Kids Say
GA: In Deep Shit
CG: GODDAMMIT. CAN'T A GUY BE SHY ABOUT HIS PERSONAL LIFE?
CG: WHATEVER! I'M COMING TO YOU NOW, AREN'T I? SO FEEL FREE TO DUMP SOME OF THAT WISDOM ON ME IF YOU'RE NOT TOO OFFENDED.
GA: Ill Let It Slide This Time
GA: But On A More Serious Note Know Im Here For You
CG: I ALREADY DO.
CG: (AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT)
CG: MOVING RIGHT ON: WHAT'S YOUR WORD OF ADVICE?
GA: Depends On What You Think Your Predicament Is
CG: MY PREDICAMENT? MY PREDICAMENT IS THE FRIEND ZONE THAT I IMPOSED MYSELF BY BEING A COMPLETE IDIOT AND A COWARD. APPARENTLY!
GA: Thats A Start
CG: THEN AGAIN, DAVE IS NOT MAKING THINGS EASY FOR ME WITH HIS "EVERYTHING IS COOL WITH ME, LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL, *BEAUTIFUL* POKER FACE" ATTITUDE.
CG: I COULD USE SOME FEEDBACK, JUST SAYING. A NOD. A LITTLE RETALIATION. SOME WISECRACK EVEN…
CG: *ANYTHING*
CG: BUT NO. HE'S GIVING ME NOTHING TO WORK WITH.
GA: It Seems To Me That Once You Accept Humans Are Almost Always Insincere And Virtually Never Readable You Will Find It Easier To Communicate With Them
GA: Then Again Something Tells Me It Would Be Insensitive To Extrapolate The Patently Bizarre Ways Of The Humans That We Ended Up Falling For As They Seem To Be Particularly Odd
CG: WOW. FALLING FOR IS A BIG WORD. AN ALL CAPS, BOLD, ITALICS WORD.
GA: You Speak In All Caps All The Time
GA: Arent You In Love With Him
CG: WELL… YEAH. BUT I LIKE TO SAVE BIG WORDS FOR BIG OCCASIONS.
CG: IT'S LIKE HOW YOU CAN'T GO CALLING THE FIRST MOTHERFUCKER YOU RUN INTO A TAINTCHAFFING NOOKCORKING PIECE OF SHIT FOR A TINY OFFENSE?
CG: I MEAN. I DO IT, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT'S NOT A SPECIAL INSULT RESERVED FOR ESPECIALLY LOATHABLE INDIVIDUALS!
GA: Dont Tell Me You Havent Told Him How You Feel
CG: WOULD I BE IN FRIEND QUARANTINE IF I HAD? EITHER WAY, I DON'T EVEN *HAVE* TO. HE KNOWS.
GA: How Do You Know He Knows
CG: I KNOW HE KNOWS BECAUSE HE KNOWS I KNOW IT'S MUTUAL.
GA: So He Hasnt Told You Either
CG: NO… HE KIND OF…… HAS.
GA: Non Verbatim I Suppose
CG: LET'S SAY HALF VERBATIM?
CG: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, ANYWAY! WE BOTH KNOW WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW AND WE'RE COOL WITH IT.
CG: *I'M* COOL WITH IT.
GA: Are You Though
GA: Are You Really
CG: YEAH???
GA: Let Me Understand
GA: If You Do Not Care For Officiality Why Do You Consider Defining Your Relationship As Friendship And Nothing More A Problem
CG: BECAUSE
CG: JUST BECAUSE!!!
GA: Isnt It Because You Crave For More
CG: UGH. I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.
CG: THE THING IS…
CG: WE ALREADY HAVE A THING THAT'S NOT *PURELY* FRIENDSHIP.
GA: If Thats The Case Why Wait To Define It
CG: YEAH, I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THAT EITHER.
CG: I GUESS I'M SCARED TO FUCK IT UP IF WE FORMALIZE IT.
GA: Whats So Scary About Calling What You Already Have By Another Name
CG: ALRIGHT. SO I'M NOT BEING RATIONAL.
CG: NEWSFLASH!
CG: THAT SOLVES ABOUT FUCK ALL. FUCK ALL IS THE EXACT FUCKING AMOUNT OF WHAT IT FAILS TO SOLVE!!!
GA: I Think We Could Both Agree That Getting Defensive Wont Solve Much Either
GA: Not That My Intention Was Judgemental Or Sarcastic In Any Capacity Or Point Of Our Conversation
CG: I KNOW.
CG: SORRY.
CG: I'M JUST SO FUCKING EMBARRASSED AT MY OWN INCOMPETENCE, FOR A CHANGE.
GA: Thats Okay And Perfectly Understandable
CG: NO, IT'S NOT.
CG: BUT THANKS FOR NOT CALLING ME A WIMP AND A LOSER.
GA: Hardly Something To Be Grateful For Given That I Dont Consider You One And That Doing So Would Only Make Two Of Us
CG: THANK FUCK FOR THAT.
GA: Heh
GA: Do You Want To Hear What I Think You Should Do Based On My Experience With Rose
CG: YEAH, NO. WHY NOT.
CG: GO FOR IT.
GA: Let Me Begin By Telling You That I Believe You Should Ask Yourself What The Most Desired Outcome Is For You
GA: Leaving Things As They Are May Seem Like The Safest Option
GA: Nothing Ventured Nothing Lost
GA: But For As Long As Thats True The Other Variable Will Haunt You In The Back Of Your Mind
CG: M-HMMMMM.
GA: All That Being Said
GA: When Rose And I Started Trifling With The Possibility Of Taking Things A Step Further In Terms Of Commitment I Found It Extremely Hard To Be Sincere
GA: Not Only To Her But To Myself As Well
CG: HUH.
GA: Yes
GA: I Took Roses Lack Of Straightforwardness As A Sort Of Transmundane Invitation To Question The Very Foundation Of Our Relationship
GA: Was Wanting A Confirmation Selfish Of Me Or Was She Just Not As Genuine In Her Feelings For Me As I Thought I Was For Her
CG: WELL?
CG: WHAT WAS THE HOLDUP?
GA: There Was No Holdup
GA: Turns Out That In My Fear Of Appearing Too Demanding I Forgot To Be Vocal Myself
GA: Shed Been Asking Herself The Same Questions And Waiting For The Same Answers All Along
CG: WELL, SHIT.
GA: So If My Experience Is Anything To Go By You Should Perhaps Try Your Hand At Being Honest
GA: And I Mean Truly Honest
GA: Which Means No Half Omitted Or Otherwise Granted Truths
CG: I HEAR YOU. I REALLY DO. BUT IT DOESN'T LOOK SO EASY FROM WHERE I'M STANDING.
GA: Oh And Rest Assured It Wont Be
GA: Saying I Love You Out Loud For The First Time Will Make You Fear For The Spell Breaking
GA: Those Words Are As Big As They Are Scary But I Promise You They Will Feel Like Home As Well When You Dare To Say Them
CG: THAT'S NOT VERY COMFORTING, ACTUALLY.
CG: JUST THINKING ABOUT ANY POTENTIAL SCENARIO THAT COULD LEAD TO THAT EXCHANGE MAKES MY GUTS TURN INTO A PARTICULARLY FUCKED UP SAILOR KNOT, SO I THINK I'LL PASS.
CG: FOR THE SAKE OF, YOU KNOW, KEEPING MY PANTS UNSHAT.
GA: Well Even If Youre Not Waiting For Those Three Words (Which For The Record I Do Not Believe For A Second) Maybe He Is
CG: OKAY. BUT WHAT IF WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT HE DOESN'T *ACTUALLY* FEEL THE SAME?
GA: So You Do Want To Hear Him Say He Loves You After All
CG: WELL, NO SHIT. THERE'S NO POINT IN DENYING IT ANYMORE.
CG: YOU SEE IT, ERIDAN SEES IT. EVERY FUCKING ONE SEES IT!!!
CG: BUT EVEN SO, WHAT IF IT'S ONE SIDED? WHAT IF HE ALREADY GOT TIRED OF THE BACK AND FORTH? WHAT IF WE HAVE JUST BEEN FOOLING AROUND NONCOMMITTALLY ALL THIS TIME?
GA: Is That How You Feel
GA: Like Hes Been Messing With You
CG: NO, OF COURSE NOT.
CG: I'M JUST FUCKING SCARED OF WHAT COMES NEXT. OF IT BEING ABYSMALLY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT WE HAVE NOW.
GA: Different Doesnt Necessarily Equal Bad Does It
CG: ERIDAN WOULD AGREE WITH YOU ON THAT.
CG: FUNNY "COINCIDENCE", IN FACT, HE TOLD ME THE SAME THING JUST TWO DAYS AGO /:B
GA: That Is One Silly And Distracting Face
GA: Howbeit And As Far As It Concerns Me Both Of Us Are Currently Doing Pretty Well In Our Respective Relationships
GA: Perhaps Thats Proof Enough That We Might Be Onto Something
CG: RUB MORE SALT IN THE WOUND, WHY DON'T YOU!!!
GA: Im Not
GA: And You Know It
CG: SO.
CG: DO I JUST THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND AND CONFESS? IS THAT WHAT YOUR ADVICE COMES DOWN TO?
GA: Well
GA: Being The Romantic That You Are Im Sure Youre Picturing Fireworks And Curtain Dropping Moments But It Doesnt Have To Be A Grandiloquent Feat
GA: There Is Affection In Little Gestures Too So You Can And Should Start As Small As You Want
CG: RIGHT.
CG: SO I SHOULD JUST EXPRESS MY AFFECTION THROUGH AT LEAST THREE OF THE FIVE AVAILABLE LOVE LANGUAGE TYPES.
CG: NO BIGGIE.
CG: IT'S TOTALLY DOABLE AND INSIGNIFICANT!!!
GA: I Didnt Mean To Imply That The Act In Itself Was Lesser On Account Of Its Relative Smallness But I Do Mean Everything Else Most Genuinely
GA: As Tempting As It Might Be For An Avid Romance Consumer Like You To Go Big Or Go Home In Terms Of How Spectacular The Confession Theres No Need To Be Someone Youre Not
GA: Just Make Sure He Knows How Much You Appreciate Him In Whatever Way Is Most Obvious And Comfortable For You
CG: URGHHHH.
CG: I MEAN, IT'S JUST SO STUPID IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT. THIS IS A GUY I HAVE *LITERALLY* HELD HANDS AND MADE OUT WITH ON *SEVERAL* OCCASIONS!!!
CG: AND THE HARD PART IS SAYING "BRO, I ACTUALLY LIKE YOU A LOT. ROMANTICALLY"???
CG: MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
GA: Youre Making It Make Quite A Lot Of Sense Yourself Id Say
GA: Defining A Relationship Is Infinitely Harder Than Having It
CG: NO. IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN THAT, KANAYA.
CG: I'VE HAD COUNTLESS CHANCES TO MAN UP AND SAY I LIKE HIM AND I CHOSE NOT TO.
CG: I STRAIGHT UP TOLD HIM TO "LET ME THINK ABOUT IT" WHEN HE ASKED IF WE'RE STILL GOOD, WHICH WE'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT BECAUSE HE WON'T STOP WORRYING ABOUT OVERSTEPPING WHILE THE ASSHOLE HERE IS CLEARLY ME!!!
CG: NO, SERIOUSLY!!!
CG: R/AMITHEASSHOLE FOR MAKING MY CRUSH WAIT FOR ME AND SYSTEMATICALLY CUTTING HIM OFF EVERY TIME HE EVEN TRIES TO BRING UP WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN US? WHICH IS WHAT, BOYFRIENSHIP LITE????
CG: WHY. YES, YES AND ABSOLUTELY YES!!!!!
GA: I Dont Know If Asshole Is The Word Id Use But There Sure Seems To Be A Communication Issue Between The Two Of You
CG: NO SHIT!!!
CG: WE'RE JUST GOING ON DATES WITHOUT CALLING THEM DATES AT THIS POINT. AND HE WON'T TELL ME TO PISS OFF OR BE HIS BOYFRIEND, SO IT'S UP TO ME, RIGHT?
CG: BUT HOW DO I GET THERE WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN FOUND THE COURAGE TO CONFESS!!!
GA: In My Opinion You Could Do Without Courage
CG: YOU'RE DESCRIBING A LEAP OF FAITH. BASICALLY.
GA: If You Get The Job Done What Does It Matter
CG: HAHAHA. OH MY GOD, NO.
CG: LIKE. YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND THE LEVEL OF ILLOGICALITY I CAN ACHIEVE WHEN I IMPROVISE.
CG: WHEN I *HAVE* IMPROVISED. PRESENT PERFECT.
GA: Enlighten Me
CG: IT'S BEYOND FUCKING CRINGE WORTHY, BUT THE ONLY THING I MANAGED TO GET OUT TO HIM LAST TIME (YOU KNOW, WHEN HE TRIED TO ASK WHAT WAS UP AFTER OUR FIRST KISS) WAS AN "I DON'T DISLIKE YOU"...
CG: I DON'T DISLIKE YOU!!!! TO THE GUY I, AS A MATTER OF FACT, DO LIKE VERY MUCH!!!
CG: NOT THAT HE TEXTUALLY OR VERBALLY SAID HE LIKES ME EITHER, BECAUSE HE HASN'T. WHICH WHY THE FUCK.
CG: ANYHOW. MIGHT AS WELL SEND A VALENTINE'S CARD WITH A POP UP OF A BARFING BLUSHY GUY THAT READS "HEY, VALENTINE, YOU DON'T MAKE ME WANT TO BARF (AND THAT'S GOOD) <3"!!! I THINK THAT'D REALLY GET MY POINT ACROSS!
GA: I Would Advise You Against That Specific Profession Of Love But You Do You
CG: WORST THING IS THAT HE MIGHT ACTUALLY LIKE THAT!
CG: NON-IRONICALLY!
CG: BECAUSE HE'S WEIRD LIKE THAT.
GA: Not That I Officially Know Much About Him But He Sounds Like A Peculiar Enough Individual
CG: HE IS. EVEN FOR HUMANS.
GA: Im Inclined To Believe You Inasmuch As Rose Is Also One Of A Kind
CG: I'M FAILING TO SEE HOW YOUR GIRLFRIEND BEING A COMPLETE WEIRDO CONFIRMS IN ANY WAY THAT DAVE IS?
GA: So Youre Unaware Of That
CG: UNAWARE OF WHAT? DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING I DON'T?
GA: Perhaps If You Met Her Youd Understand What I Mean
CG: WHAT? WHY?
GA: Because Youd Find Theyre Quite Similar In More Than One Aspect
GA: Is All
CG: HOLD YOUR FUCKING LARVAE…
CG: !!!
CG: ROSE. ROSE LALONDE.
CG: I'VE HEARD THAT NAME BEFORE.
CG: THE CONTEXT WAS FRATERNAL PSYCHOLOGICAL TERRORISM, BUT NEVERTHELESS…
GA: Now Its Me Who Doesnt Follow
CG: THE STRILONDES, KANAYA!!!
CG: STRIDER? LALONDE???
CG: NO WAY YOUR ROSE IS *THAT* ROSE.
GA: Your Incomprehensible Evidence Seems To Support That Claim Doesnt It
GA: Yes Your Future Human Boyfriend Is My Equally Human Girlfriends Brother
GA: Which If Im Not Mistaken Would Make Us Siblings In Law
GA: Isnt Human Genealogy Fascinating
CG: HANG ON, MY BRAIN JUST STOPPED WORKING.
CG: YOU KNEW THIS FROM THE START?
GA: Well
GA: Rose Told Me About One Of Her Siblings Who Is A Barista And Whose Name Is Dave So The Most Logical Conclusion Was That Your Dave Must In Fact Be Him
CG: SHIT.
CG: WAIT. DOES THAT MEAN SHE KNOWS?
CG: DOES *HE* KNOW???
GA: Know What
CG: ABOUT US???
CG: ABOUT DAVE AND ME?
GA: I Dont Think That Dave Knows That Rose Knows If Thats What Youre Asking
GA: That Would Be A Confidentiality Breach And She Takes Those Matters Seriously
CG: WELL, THANK GOD!
CG: THANK GOD YOU BREACHED MINE SO THAT SHE (THIS PERSON WHO IS A COMPLETE STRANGER TO ME AT THIS POINT IN THE TIMELINE, LET'S NOT FORGET!!!) COULD THEN PROCEED TO NOT BREACH YOURS BY NOT BREACHING DAVE'S, WHICH ESSENTIALLY CIRCLES BACK TO MINE!!!
GA: Fear Not
GA: I Did Not Possess Enough Facts At The Time Of My Realization To Prove A Threat To Your Already Disordered Love Quandary
GA: But Even If I Did
GA: Rose Is To Be Trusted
GA: If She And Dave Have Discussed Your Relationship At All Or Do So In The Near Future It Will Be Because He Entrusted Her With It Himself
CG: SO DAVE IS COMPLETELY IN THE DARK ABOUT ME TRIPPING OVER MY OWN SHOES TRYING TO ROMANCE HIM WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING LOSER?
GA: I Would Imagine So Yes
CG: GREAT.
CG: I'LL POSTPONE KILLING MYSELF, IF THAT'S THE CASE.
GA: So Dramatic
GA: In Any Case
GA: Im Told Theyre Pretty Close And Daves Orientation Has Been Out In The Open For A Little While Now So It Wouldnt Be Unreasonable To Think He Might Tell His Friends Or Family About His Doubts And Fears The Same Way You Have Been Telling Us About Yours
GA: Would It
CG: I GUESS… NOT.
CG: FUCK ME, THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.
GA: So Speak To Him And Laugh About It
GA: I Think Deep Down You Know That's The Only Real Option You Have
CG: UGH…
CG: ALRIGHT. OKAY.
CG: I HEARD YOU.
CG: I'LL TRY.
CG: (TRY IS THE KEY WORD HERE).
GA: What's The Worst That Can Happen Anyway
CG: I'D RATHER NOT THINK ABOUT IT, THANKS.
GA: Thats A Way To Go About It
GA: Not Thinking About Anything
CG: I JUST GO INTO BATTLE WITH 0 COURAGE AND AN EMPTY HEAD. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUGGESTING.
GA: Yes
GA: Sounds Correct
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY THE FUCK NOT!
CG: IF HE WASN'T PUT OFF BY ME LITERALLY FALLING ON MY ASS THE FIRST TIME WE TALKED, ME BEING A DOOFUS ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE WON'T BE WHAT DOES IT.
GA: See Thats The Spirit
GA: Ill Be Here If You Need Moral Support
CG: THANKS, KANAYA.
CG: TALKING TO YOU WAS *ACTUALLY* USEFUL, HUH.
GA: Im Not Sure If I Should Be Offended By That Remark But Youre Welcome
CG: I JUST HATE PROVING ERIDAN RIGHT.
CG: AND HE'S BEEN RIGHT ABOUT MORE THAN A THING OR TWO. THAT ASSHOLE…
GA: Tell Me About It
GA: I Dont Think Im Ever Going To Get Used To Him Being Tolerable
CG: YEAH, ME NEITHER.
GA: Well
GA: Dont Let Me Keep You
GA: Best Of Luck
CG: I'LL NEED IT…
GA: Do Let Me Know When Our Relationship Status Officially Changes From Friends To Political Family
CG: *WHEN* AND NOT *IF*? IS THAT HOW SURE YOU ARE I'M COMING OUT OF THIS WITH A BOYFRIEND?
GA: Seems Very Likely
CG: ALRIGHT.
CG: I'LL KEEP YOU POSTED. OVER AND OUT.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 01:20

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 01:22

CG: HEY, ASSHOLE.
CG: I'M JUST WRITING TO LET YOU KNOW I TALKED TO KANAYA LIKE YOU SUGGESTED AND IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING.
CG: THAT'S RIGHT. I'M CONFESSING COME HELL OR HIGH WATER.
CG: (NOT THAT YOU DESERVE TO KNOW BECAUSE YOU'RE A BACKSTABBER *AND* A JACKASS)
CG: (FOR REAL. HOW DARE YOU TELL KANAYA I'M FRIEND ZONED WHEN THE TERM WAS BASICALLY CREATED FOR *YOU*!!! IT'S LITERALLY UNBELIEVABLE HOW HYPOCRITICAL YOU ARE)
CA: wwait
CA: really
CA: thats all it took
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "THAT'S ALL IT TOOK"? WE'VE BEEN TALKING FOR *HOURS*. SHIT'S BEEN LONGER THAN A FUCKING DIPLOMATIC MEETING.
CG: 3 DEAD, 200 INJURED.
CA: yeah anywway
CA: i dont wwant to be the one to say i told you so
CA: but i told you so
CA: repeatedly
CG: GOOD FOR YOU. WANT A COOKIE OR SOMETHING?
CG: FOR CHANGING EVERYONE'S LIVES FOR BETTER, I MEAN! AND BEING MODEST AND A GENERAL JOY TO BE AROUND!
CA: im good thanks
CA: wwhat wwill you tell him
CG: I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT, ACTUALLY. I DECIDED I'M JUST GOING TO GO WITH THE FLOW AND SEE WHERE THAT TAKES ME.
CA: hm
CG: WE'VE BEEN PAVING THE WAY FOR THIS MOMENT FOR MONTHS ANYWAY, RIGHT? WE'RE BASICALLY ALREADY GOING OUT, SO ALL THAT'S LEFT TO DO IS SIT DOWN AND PUT A STAMP ON IT.
CA: you seem oddly confident all a sudden
CG: THANKS, I'M FAKING IT.
CA: if its any consolation thats exactly howw i started wwith sol
CG: RIGHT.
CG: I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK HOW THAT’S GOING FOR YOU, BY THE WAY. THE "MATESPRITSHIP ONE SECOND, KISMESISSITUDE THE OTHER" KINDA DEAL YOU'RE CUTTING.
CA: its been rough actually
CG: OH, FUCK. JINXED IT.
CA: wwe cant seem to stick to one thing for longer than a wweek you knoww
CA: matespritship is specially touchy like
CA: i can tell hes tryin but wwe alwways end up arguin boat the stupidest shit
CA: wwich is wwhatevver really
CA: but i cant help but wwonder if a wweak black romance is all there really wwas to wwhat wwe havve
CG: WHAT??? NO WAY.
CA: it doesnt evven matter
CA: wwe wwere talkin about you
CG: DUDE, YOU CAN'T JUST DROP THAT BOMB AND PRETEND SOMEONE ELSE LIT THE FUSE.
CG: WHICH IS TO SAY. LET'S DEAL WITH YOUR CRISIS FIRST, OKAY?
CA: wwhat crisis
CA: im fine
CG: YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT.
CG: HE LIKES YOU BOTH WAYS, ALRIGHT? I KNOW THAT FOR A FACT.
CA: wwhy
CA: like he wwould say that
CG: HE DID, AS IT HAPPENS.
CG: JUST BECAUSE HE'S SHIT AT SHOWING IT, IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT HE DOESN'T CARE.
CG: YOU KNOW HIM.
CA: no i knoww
CA: its just
CA: maybe wwe should havve stuck to bein kismesis
CA: it wwasnt ideal but at least wwe both kneww wwhat to expect and howw to behavve
CG: WRONG.
CG: YOU LITERALLY WOULDN'T STOP COMPLAINING THAT HE DIDN'T HATE YOU RIGHT. AND NOW THAT YOU GOT HIM BLINKING IN FUCKING MORSE CODE IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
CG: LET ME ANSWER THAT FOR YOU: NO, IT ISN'T. WHAT'S REALLY HAPPENING HERE IS THAT YOU MORONS HAVE THE EMOTIONAL APTITUDE OF A SEA SPONGE.
CA: excuse me
CG: YOU'RE EXCUSED.
CG: HAVE YOU TRIED TAKING IT UP TO HIM?
CG: NO?
CG: THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
CA: no wway YOURE goin there
CG: YES WAY I'M GOING THERE, BRO. LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU AND I ARE ON THE SAME BOAT. AND THAT BOAT IS POOR COMMUNICATION AND UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS TOWARDS OTHERS. SO AHOY, MOTHERFUCKER.
CA: so you expect me to just fuckin ASK or wwhat
CA: hey sol could you be a little more obvvious about your intentions so that i could keep up and not look like an imbecile
CG: YEAH. EXACTLY.
CA: nope
CA: im not makin myself look THAT desperate
CG: LIKE HE DOESN’T ALREADY THINK YOU’RE A DESPERATE FUCK.
CG: IT’S SO OLD NEWS, MAN.
CA: in that case
CA: more reasons not to provve him right
CG: IT’S ALWAYS THE SAME SHIT WITH YOU, I SWEAR.
CA: yeah havve you considered that im the one bearin the brunt of that same shit
CA: no howw wwould you knoww wwhat its like
CA: no matter howw hard i try ill just end up bein typecasted again so wwhy evven feed into it
CG: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING.
CA: since i lost fef no one opens up to me about anythin anymore
CA: its alwways me chasin you guys to provve myself
CA: and let me tell you that for someone like me its not easy to swwalloww my pride like that
CG: UGH.
CG: SOMETIMES YOU MAKE ME WANT TO CHOKE YOU TO DEATH, THEN REVIVE YOU AND CHOKE YOU TO DEATH A SECOND TIME. BUT FINE. I’M GOING TO TRY TO BE PATIENT AND TALK TO YOU AS THE ONE SWEEP OLD WIGGLER YOU MENTALLY ARE.
CG: SURE, IT’S BEEN HARD FOR YOU. LITERALLY NO ONE IS SAYING THE OPPOSITE. BUT FOR YOU TO COME TO ME *SPECIFICALLY* TO COMPLAIN THAT “BOOHOO, NO ONE GETS ME OR HAS MY BACK”? WHEN I’VE BEEN THERE FOR YOU SINCE DAY FUCKING ONE?
CG: DO YOU REALLY NOT REALIZE HOW ENRAGING YOUR ATTITUDE IS?
CA: thats not wwhat im sayin at all
CA: youre not the problem
CG: NICE JOB NOT LUMPING ME TOGETHER WITH THE REST, THEN.
CG: AND I GET IT. YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR EFFORTS AREN’T BEING REWARDED PROPERLY, BUT IF YOU HAD EVEN AN OUNCE OF LEVEL-HEADEDNESS,YOU’D REALIZE YOU HAVE ALREADY BEGUN TO MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PAST.
CG: LIKE, WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO TELL YOUR EGOCENTRIC ASS THAT THAT’S PROGRESS? YOU AND I GETTING CLOSER IS PROGRESS. KANAYA FINDING YOU TOLERABLE *IS* PROGRESS. YOU AND SOLLUX MOVING PAST YOUR RESENTMENT AND INTO UNCHARTED ROMANTIC TERRITORY? YOU GUESSED IT! *ALSO* PROGRESS.
CG: WHAT I’M SAYING IS: DROP THE ALL OR NOTHING MENTALITY. YOU WERE A PIECE OF SHIT TO MOST OF US, IT’S ONLY FAIR YOU HAVE TO WORK YOUR ASS OFF TO WIN US BACK.
CA: im tryin actually
CA: ivve BEEN tryin
CG: NOPE. YOU’RE IN FOR A SERMON, SO YOU DON’T GET TO WHINE.
CG: YOU KEEP PRETENDING TO BLAME YOURSELF FOR YOUR FAILINGS WITH SOLLUX, BUT IT’S LIKE SOMETIMES YOU DON’T EVEN CONSIDER HOW HARD HE HAS IT. WHAT, WITH HIS BIPOLARITY?
CG: I DON'T THINK I NEED TO REMIND YOU THIS, BUT EVEN WHEN HE WAS WITH FEFERI (WHICH I KNOW, SORE SUBJECT), IT WAS HER WHO HELD THE SPACE FOR HIM TO OPEN UP. SAME WITH ARADIA AND WHATEVER THEY HAD GOING ON.
CA: so its just me wwho he cant havve that wwith
CA: because im not selfless or kind like ara n fef
CA: or is it because im not a girl
CA: i dont understand
CG: NO.
CG: NO! NO! AND NO! IDIOT!!!
CG: YOU TWO ARE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF GETTING THERE!
CG: I MEAN, THIS IS TRUE FOR MANY OF US NUTTY AS A FRUITCAKE ASSHOLES, BUT EXPRESSING HIS FEELINGS WITHOUT SARCASM HAS NEVER BEEN HIS FORTE.
CG: SO YEAH, HE'S HAD IT EASIER WITH GIRLS, BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T… YOU. FOR STARTERS, THEY DIDN'T GO FROM SWORN ENEMIES TO LOVERS, SO OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT!
CG: I DON'T EVEN NEED TO BE THERE TO KNOW THAT WHEN YOU TRY TO BE HONEST WITH HIM, YOU END UP GETTING ALL DEFENSIVE (WHEN NOT STRAIGHT UP SHIFTING THE BLAME AND/OR DWELLING IN SELF-PITY). BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DO! AND I'M SURE THAT WHEN HE TRIES IT HIMSELF, HE ENDS UP BEING DERISIVE. BECAUSE IF EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW HOW MISERABLE HE IS, HE MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE DOING THE MOCKERY AND GET IT OVER WITH, RIGHT?
CG: SO STOP BULLSHITING ME AND PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS!!!
CA: wwell
CA: alright i cant refute it so wwhat am i supposed to do then
CA: howw can i showw him that he can talk to me
CG: NOVEL CONCEPT, BUT STAY WITH ME ON THIS:
CG: TALK TO HIM.
CA: yeah i didnt like the sound of that the first time around
CA: still dont
CG: LOOK, I'M TELLING YOU THIS BECAUSE I'M CURRENTLY FACING THE SAME ISSUE, ALRIGHT?
CG: DAVE WON'T BREAK THE ICE, SO I HAVE TO.
CG: SOLLUX IS STRUGGLING WITH BEING SINCERELY AFFECTIONATE, SO YOU HAVE TO SHOW HIM THAT HE *CAN* BE.
CG: YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE IT, BUT THE ROMCOM APPROACH OF LETTING THINGS FESTER UNTIL THEY MAGICALLY GET BETTER ON THEIR OWN IS OUT OF VOGUE.
CA: easy to say
CA: not so easy to do
CG: SHHHH. PIPE DOWN AND GET YOUR ARISTOCRATIC ASS TO WORK.
CG: YOU HAVE THINGS TO SAY? SAY THEM. IF IT STILL DOESN'T FIX ANYTHING, THEN WE RESORT TO TALKING SHIT AND DROWNING OUR SORROWS IN A GALLON OF ICE CREAM.
CA: mnyeh
CA: so
CA: talkin about takin the reins a our owwn destiny or wwhat fuckin evver
CA: is this time for real
CA: youre seriously goin to confess to the davve human
CG: YES.
CG: IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO POSTPONE IT GIVEN THAT IF I WAIT MUCH LONGER, WE MIGHT BE AT THE ALTAR BEFORE I EVEN GET TO SAY I LIKE HIM.
CA: WWOWW hold up
CG: IT'S JUST A MANNER OF SPEAKING, DUMBASS.
CA: yeah wwell
CA: its hard to tell sometimes
CG: ARE YOU CALLING ME A HYPOCRITE? SOMETHING TELLS ME THERE'S AN IMPLICIT CALL-OUT IN THOSE WORDS.
CA: i mean
CA: you keep pushin me to be emotionally responsible yet you havve this guy wwaitin on you for no reason other than youre wwhat
CA: shittin your pants 24/7
CA: draww your owwn conclusions
CG: FINE. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY IT LIKE THAT, BUT I CONSIDER MYSELF CHECKMATED.
CA: good
CA: wwill you report back
CA: wwhen you confess i mean
CG: DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK AT THIS POINT?
CA: i feel like i do
CA: actually
CG: YOUR ABANDONMENT ISSUES ARE SHOWING, MAN.
CG: BUT YEAH. REST ASSURED I WILL.
CA: thanks
CG: KEEP ME POSTED ON YOUR INTERMITTENT CONCUPISCENCE PROBLEM, OKAY?
CA: wwell fuck me
CA: i wwill
CG: NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO FREAK OUT FOR A MINUTE. OR SEVERAL HOURS.
CA: if he likes you
CA: wwhich he apparently does
CA: itll be a wwalk in the urban recreational locality
CG: WHEN IS ANYTHING EVER…
CA: fair point
CA: but you absolutely havve to see it through this time
CG: YEAH, GIVE ME AN ULTIMATUM, MAKE IT FEEL EVEN MORE UNACHIEVABLE, WHY DON'T YOU!
CA: thats utter bs
CA: because you already havve him in your pocket
CA: all thats left to do is showw him that he also has you in his
CG: HOW ABOUT YOU STOP BEING A WISE GUY, HUH?
CG: HONESTLY! HAVING TO ADMIT THAT YOU'VE BECOME A PRETTY DECENT GUY IS PHYSICALLY TAXING ENOUGH AS IT IS. YOU DON'T NEED TO GO FOR THE OVERKILL WITH SENSIBLE ADVICE.
CA: hahaha
CA: i dont knoww if youre pullin my leg
CA: but i learned from the best romantic advvisor there is so of course i gotta be a little knowwledgeable
CA: evven if only by proximity
CG: EW, STOP. I LIKE DECENT ERIDAN BETTER THAN OVERLY CHUMMY ERIDAN.
CA: asshole
CA: go freak out on your owwn then
CG: OH WOW, LOOK AT THAT. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M GOING TO DO!
CG: TRY NOT TO CRY TOO HARD ABOUT IT.
CG: (AND WISH ME GOOD LUCK)

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 01:58

CA: jeez wwhats the hurry
CA: anywway
CA: good luck kar

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 01:59

Just as Karkat had decided to share his burden with his friends, Dave decided to touch base with his. Finally. Officially.

They knew about Karkat to one extent or another, but he had conveniently forgotten to mention that his crush on him (which he had never spoken about matter-of-factly, to start with) had devolved into whatever it was they shared now.

The younger Strider wasn't one to keep secrets, but he made an exception where his sexuality was concerned. Coming out as a bisexual earlier that year had already stirred something cathartic but uncomfortable in him, so he had his qualms about tackling the brand new factuality of almost having a boyfriend.

Still, he needed someone to know, so he opened his Pesterchum chat client, took a deep breath and looked for his sister's opinionated lavender handle.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 23:06

TG: yo
TT: Well, if it isn't Mr. Strider himself.
TG: why yeah thats me dr lalonde
TG: the man
TG: the myth
TT: And last and foremost: The Legend.
TG: haha booyeah
TT: To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?
TG: nothing particular
TG: why
TT: I would think that you have something you'd like to confess and/or discuss with me (and is the reason you're allegorically sitting before me in this Freudian couch).
TG: interesting guess but i could just be checking in to see how my sis is doing
TG: ever think of that
TG: no you dont because youre too busy playing the cheap ass psychologist
TT: Oh, I have considered that too, but the motive seems unlikely given how elusive you've been these past few weeks.
TG: is it a crime to not text every day
TT: Not at all. Is it one to know one's brother like the palm of one's hand?
TG: fuck no
TG: im not letting you get away with the mystery girl antics
TG: why do you think i allegedly have serious business to discuss with you
TT: My sisterly senses have been tingling fervently, Dave. That's all.
TG: okay
TG: you wanna be spiderman so bad
TG: be spiderman and keep your fucking secrets
TT: I do not, nor at any point have wanted to be spiderman. What I do want is for you to get to the point so that we can proceed our session in a more timely manner.
TG: im already regretting this but there i go
TG: so you know how im a barista
TT: I'd say stating the obvious is on the opposite side of the getting-to-the-point spectrum, but yes, I'm aware of the career you've chosen for yourself.
TG: jeez doc are you always this cranky with your other patients
TT: Other patients? What other patients? Your fascinating mind occupies all of my working hours.
TG: right
TG: no
TG: totally understandable
TG: im the michael jordan of psychiatric observation after all
TT: I don't understand why you insist on looking knowledgeable in sports when we both know that they only interest you in the measure that sports metaphors are a useful tool to talk about your quiescent homosexual tendencies.
TG: ah there they are at last
TG: the h word accusations
TT: You're literally out of the closet, brother.
TG: okay fair so to add to the case against my heterosexuality
TG: and get to the point
TG: i met this guy at work
TG: you know the guy
TG: ive told you about this guy
TT: The troll guy who is very shouty, I assume?
TG: yeah
TG: so this shouty guy and i became best bros right
TT: Right.
TG: and then we became something else entirely
TG: well not entirely
TG: but that something else turned out to be quantifiably fruity and extremely hard to talk about
TG: because ive never really pictured myself dating another dude and that shit is not easy to come to grips with yknow
TG: i mean
TG: not that i need to explain that to your women simping ass
TT: I'm familiar with the struggle, yes.
TT: Proceed.
TG: alright so basically i think i got myself a man
TT: Hm. This is obviously an introduction to a bigger and darker picture, but I think congratulations are still in order.
TG: thanks
TT: And the problem is…?
TG: oh right
TG: the problem is that were not actually officially dating
TT: No way.
TG: yeah you heard it
TG: those vows remain unexchanged so im like what the fuck yo
TG: we out here sticking our tongues down each others throats but he keeps giving me the pullback when it comes to putting a ring on it
TT: Damn.
TG: hold the fuck up what do you mean no way and damn
TG: at least give me a real reaction rose im scuffing hard in the love aisle and i dont know which way is up or down
TG: arent you at least a little shocked
TT: Sorry to disappoint, but the only thing that I find shocking about all of this is your reluctance to be honest with you ecto sister dearest, who wishes you nothing but happiness and who would have been content to accompany you through your romantic failings from the start… Had you reached out sooner.
TT: Which is to say: I already knew about this quandary of yours, Dave. I was waiting to see how long it'd take you to tell me.
TG: what how
TT: Not to play the mystery girl card twice in a row, but there are powers at play that you would not understand.
TG: whoa goosebumps
TG: like legit goosebumps
TT: Just kidding. Kanaya told me that a friend of hers seemed to be into a human who works at a coffee shop and who, according to her friend's description, kind of reminded her of me.
TT: So it had to be you.
TG: what the
TG: this is fucking with my brain so hard like
TG: youre telling me your troll girlfriend is my crushs friend
TT: Yes, indeed.
TG: and hes been telling her about me
TT: I don't feel qualified to disclose that specific information, but they're childhood friends, so I would imagine it has eventually come up in their conversations.
TG: damn
TG: so like
TG: you must have a general idea of whats going on with karkat
TT: Not particularly.
TT: Kanaya and I have no secrets, but I don't go prying where I'm not wanted.
TT: I figured you'd tell me yourself at some point, so I didn't feel the need to rush things along (not any more than I have today, anyhow).
TG: okay but in case you happened to snoop a little into kanayas friends affairs
TG: you know
TG: nothing invasive or unprincipled
TG: and absolutely nothing youd consider a confidentiality breach
TG: no rose
TG: im talking a quick peep here
TG: an average elevator conversation
TG: im talking your girlfriend going honey get a load of this mess my bff is in
TT: She doesn't talk like that.
TG: and youre like whats up babe
TT: I don't talk like that either.
TG: alright
TG: still
TG: she goes okay so theres this rose adjacent barista at the coffee shop he goes at whos all like heart eyes motherfucker and theyre like totally entrenched in this sorta epic length slow burn that makes you want to stab yourself with a spoon
TG: is that crazy or what
TG: to which you answer fuck so are they together or
TG: and she goes
TT: Dave.
TG: actually
TG: she doesnt even say anything verbally
TG: she scrunches up her face like shes just sucked a lemon dry and that
TG: that tells you about enough
TT: Dave, stop fictionalizing a scene that didn't even happen and let us get down to brass tacks, okay?
TG: yeah sorry
TG: so
TG: he likes me back right
TT: Are there any doubts in that regard in your mind?
TG: i guess not
TG: but come on
TG: help a bro out
TG: whats the holdup
TG: why arent we having awkward interspecific family dinners to make it official yet
TT: It's only a conjecture at this point, but I'd say he's scared of DTRs.
TG: lmao
TG: yeah well who isnt
TG: i sure as fuck am
TT: That… could explain why your relationship is stuck.
TG: actually thats unfair
TG: i might not have dropped down on one knee and popped out an eight carat diamond ring at motherfucking disneyland to the awe of thousands of bystanders but ive been consistently trying to talk about it
TG: i even asked him if i was going too fast or if i had fucked up somewhere
TG: and if that aint the biggest big dick n bigger balls energy youve witnessed i dont know what is
TT: Oh. My bad. In that case I concur: being straightforward about your doubts indeed oozes very large testicle energy.
TG: im telling ya
TG: colossal phallus energy
TG: if i walked into a public bathroom to take a leak there would be no survivors
TG: thats just how sizeable my junk is
TT: To live such a lonely life on account of your oversized, people killing, nether regions…
TT: I can't imagine a greater tragedy.
TG: yeah man in that sense im like godzilla
TG: i walk alone
TG: destroy millions with my massive cock
TT: Alright. I think that's enough environmentally unfriendly phallic imagery for a day.
TT: What did he answer?
TG: oh yea
TG: karkat
TG: thats the issue
TG: he assured me that everything is cool between us but that he needed some time to figure it out
TG: and before you ask
TG: i did give him some
TT: Curious. And you say you've been making out since then?
TG: yeah
TT: His initiative?
TG: yeah
TG: no
TG: see usually were just chilling -5 inches apart because whats personal space
TG: which sometimes translates into one of us starting this sorta desperate snuggling or smooching
TG: its kinda give and take honestly
TT: Interesting.
TG: you taking notes
TT: Mmmmaybe.
TG: it just doesnt make sense rose
TG: if he likes me and i like him what the fuck are we waiting for
TT: A divine sign, by the looks of it.
TT: I'm half serious, by the way. I do think he likes you back, but he might not know how to bring it up after having shut you down before.
TT: And then there's you. You obviously haven't insisted on the matter as to respect his space and boundaries. Correct?
TG: sounds about right
TG: then should i exert some authority and sit him down or
TT: Do you reckon putting him on the spot could force him to position himself clearly?
TG: idk do you
TG: not to get vulnerable out of the blue but i literally dont know what else to do
TG: i feel like a fucking dumbass chasing after him
TT: Understandable.
TT: So tell him that you're done playing games?
TG: nonono
TG: i dont want this to be an its me or the ps5 kinda business
TG: i dont even think hes doing it on purpose
TT: The result is the same, isn't it?
TT: Even if unintentional, his lack of confirmation is bothering you.
TT: Which brings us back to the point: You don't need to be final about it, but you should still let him know how that's making you feel.
TG: whoa the masters degree in bogus psychology strikes back
TT: Say what you will, but you starting the conversation might be just what he needs to get it all out.
TT: Continuing to say nothing, on the other hand, might not change anything for the worse, but it won't play in your favor either.
TG: welp thanks for the advice
TG: ill keep it in mind next time we trade faces platonically
TT: As they say, a drowning man will clutch at a straw.
TT: If you're not there yet, I have a feeling you soon will.
TT: I wish you luck regardless.
TG: nice ominous touch
TG: really sells the cheap fortune telling gimmick
TT: Ha. Ha.
TT: Anyhow.
TT: I'm pretty sure a little push is all it'll take to get him talking, but if you're keen on waiting it out, I don't see how else I could be of help to you.
TG: youve been helpful already actually
TG: just telling you about my shit has lifted a weight off my shoulders
TT: Is that so? I’m sincerely glad, if that's the case.
TG: yeah
TG: i genuinely dont know what had me so scared
TG: like
TG: i really wanted to tell you guys
TG: and i knew for a fact youd understand
TG: but it all suddenly felt too real and too damn gay you know
TT: Yup.
TG: im not even repulsed by myself or anything
TG: it just feels
TG: weird
TT: Welcome to the marvelous world of self discovery and internalized homophobia, we all hate it here!
TG: yeah no wonder
TG: turns out bisexuality is easier in theory than in practice lmao
TG: can i have my straight dude pass back now
TT: Absolutely not.
TT: No refunds, no exchanges. You know the policy.
TG: alright had to try it at least
TT: I know we’re being humorous about it, but it does get better. And it will eventually feel "normal".
TT: I can tell you that much.
TG: god i hope so
TG: should i tell everyone
TT: Who? John and Jade? The OG Strilondes?
TG: all of the above
TG: i mean roxy is easy
TG: shell be all like gg youre one of us now!!!
TG: john and jade are whatever
TG: i mean
TG: it might be a little awkward but theyll probably also be adorable about it like they are about virtually everything
TG: but dirk man
TG: how do i tell dirk
TT: Why, talking to the creator of trascendental platonic homosexuality himself is to be enlightening by definition.
TG: exactly my point
TT: We’ve all gone through that talk, Dave. You’ll be fine.
TT: You’ll have to sit through some stern/intense brotherly advice, but it might prove a gratifying experience in the end.
TG: no yeah i know hell be cool about it
TG: its just
TG: thats some deeper tier of officiality man
TG: i dont know if i feel ready for that
TT: You guys and your ridiculous bro code.
TT: Anyway. Not that it was an actual question in the first place, but yes; I think you would benefit from telling them all.
TG: is that your professional opinion
TT: Yes.
TT: It’s also my personal, lesbian and sisterly opinion.
TG: alright alright
TG: i got folks waiting for an update left and right so
TT: Go, be free.
TG: shoulda done a newsletter istg
TT: Must be hard, being you.
TG: you dont even know
TG: thanks by the way
TG: i appreciate our talks like this even if theyre not all that frequent
TT: Eugh, unsweetened honesty.
TT: But yeah, me too.
TT: You might not relate to all (or even half) of my experiences, nor I to yours, but I’m here for all of your gay little crisis.
TT: Past, present and future.
TG: now thats some big boss energy right there if i ever saw one
TT: Heh.
TG: later rose
TG: youre the actual bomb
TT: I’ll see you around, Dave.
TT: Hopefully after you've become an empirical bisexual.
TG: whoa stay right where you are
TG: i already am one
TG: trusted and proven
TG: i just need to be officially affianced to seal the deal
TT: Right, sorry.
TT: Do keep me updated or I’ll have to resort to Kanaya’s intel.
TT: And yes, that is a threat.
TG: oh shit
TG: oh fuck
TG: gotta score him fast then
TT: Tick, tock, tick, tock…