Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Server ‘ Ad Astra ’ has been created by Lan  

Lan has added Katheryne_01, Bennett, Hunter, Kazuha and Chenqiu to the chat 

Lan : there that gud K?

Katheryne_01: Yes, thank you Guildmaster. I regret having to bother you for initialization, but unfortunately the settings require a higher level of authorization than I am granted.

Katheryne_01: Anything I cannot handle from here, I should be able to leave to the Sys_Admin.

Lan: the wha

Lan: nvm dont care

Chenqiu: Hold on, if you please. If you mean our very loquacious branch master Cyrus, then it should really be spelled Cy-Admin. Although I admit that it comes rather close to Cryo-Admin, which could cause some unfortunate confusion with a certain frost-fingered secretary of the Qixing.

Chenqiu: On reflection, that could be quite entertaining. I shall put in a petition.

Lan: Cyrus? 

Lan: pfft that guy

Katheryne_01 replying to Chenqiu:  While I believe he would be eager for such a role, I’m afraid not. The Sys_Admin is assigned by the broader network that underlies the assigned devices.   

Katheryne_01: I can provide further details if that would be of use.

Lan: No swrds? boring!

Lan: do rules

Katheryne_01: Of course, after I finish a few more administrative tasks.

Katheryine_01 has changed Lan’s nickname to Guild_Master

Guild_Master: ...

Guild_Master: if u must

Katheryne_01 has added Fischl and Rosaria to the chat 

Kazuha: Wait. Should they not have been added from the start?

Guild_Master: ugh 

Guild_Master: this is y I hate gild stuff

Rosaria: This is because we don’t use swords, I assume

Guild_Master: yah

Rosaria: What a nuisance. At least you’re blunt about it.

Fischl: Behold! The Prinzessin der Verurteilung has severed the shadowed strands of the physical realm, and opened my eye unto the ethereal. While the phantasmal blood that runs through my veins carries my voice to the ears of champions and sinners alike, the device you have wisely entrusted to my care nevertheless reduces the strain of such power on reality’s frail tapestry.

Oz: Thank you for the gadget. It seems to be working well.

Kazuha : Hello, Oz. I didn’t see you were here.

Chenqiu: Uh, how does a bird type on this little screen?

Fischl: Ozvaldo von Hrafnavines is my loyal familiar whose name causes demons to shudder in the deepest abyssal waters.  It is no less than fate’s decree that his wings shall spread to assist me as I deem it necessary.

Guild_Master: K wtf?

Hunter: You get used to it

Katheryne_01: Is there a problem, Guild Master? I don’t quite understand your confusion.

Katheryne_01: Most Guild members present should be well aware that Oz is Fischl’s attendant. Fischl always requires her attendant to be present. Therefore Oz is here.

Chenqiu: …

Chenqiu: That explained nothing.

Hunter:  See above.

Katheryne_01:  That said, I’ll move on.

Guild_Master: yes plz this is alrdy takin 4 ever

Kathyrine; Everyone, welcome to the Adventurers Guilds’ official text chat channel. If you are currently reading this, then you have successfully activated your chat gadget.

Chenqiu: An auspicious day. Even Bennett’s device is working.

Bennett: Yeah, these things are pretty sturdy. 

Bennett: Took a drop from three stories onto cobble and it’s still ticking!

Katheryne_01: Then without further ado, here are the rules.  

Katheryne_01: Rule #1: The chat gadgets have been entrusted to your care but remain Guild property. A fee shall be paid for any loss or damage to the device.

Bennett: Aw

Katheryne_01: Rule #2: The chat is intended to be used primarily for guild business. While some personal discussions are inevitable, we ask that you keep it to a minimum so that official matters stay easy to find.

Katheryne_01: Rule #3. Vision holders shall carry their chat gadgets on their persons at all times to improve coordination.

Bennett: What? 

Bennett: Why?!

Kazuha: We’ve noticed that while most members can only use the gadgets at designated relay stations, Visions seem to allow their use anywhere

Kazuha: Which is something novel and useful, and so of course entirely unacceptable to oppressive modes of thinking.

Kazuha: For example

Hunter: Stay on target

Bennett: Oh man. Do I really have to? 

Bennett: It’s a matter of time until it ends up at the bottom of Dapauda Gorge

Hunter: Stay on target!

Katheryne_01: Rule #4: Language must remain appropriate and in good taste. Remember to consider younger members!

Bennett: I didn’t think Klee was part of this chat

Rosaria: We still have plenty of brats here

Fischl: I trust that you do not allow my graceful appearance to deceive your eyes. For I, Fischl, am eternal beyond the comprehension of mundane minds. I have weathered the harshest of storms and the most twisted of curses, and shall face any trial of spoken tongue without flinching.

Oz: Mein fraulein is mature despite her tender years

Fischl: Oz!

Bennett: Wait Rosaria

Bennett: aren’t you a Sister, not an adventurer?

Hunter: Hah

Rosaria: speaking of brats… by the way, shut it, ‘Hunter’.

Hunter is typing… 

Katheryne_01: There is no requirement that Adventurers have no other occupation. Rosaria is a registered member of the Guild.

Hunter is typing... 

Hunter: ...nevermind

Guild_Master: Rule #5: u gotta post all SWORDS found when adventrin here.

Chenqiu: So if a sword were to mysteriously descend from a clouded sky and the flat side struck Bennett on the head, he could keep it?

Kazuha is typing... 

Rosaria is typing... 

Bennett is typing… 

Several people are typing… 

Guild_Master: Fk

Guild_Master: found adventrin OR any other way

Rosaria: It’s spelled ‘fuck’, Lan.

Chenqiu: LOL

Guild_Master: stfu

Bennett: Uh, Oz, what are they saying?

Oz: I fear explaining the idioms would both take some time and result in a physical mauling by mein fraulein.

Hunter is typing... 

Katheryne_01: I would respectfully remind everyone that Rule #4 prohibits the use of inappropriate language.

Hunter is typing...
Hunter: ...right

Rosaria replying to Hunter: You’re smarter than you look, aren’t you

Guild_Master: oh shit

Guild_Master: shit! I mean yah.

Guild_Master: wat K said

Katheryne_01: As this is a trial run, the Guild is extending a grace period. I must however inform you that future contraventions will be taken into account when paying out commissions.

Rosaria: Just as well for Lan’s sake that she is truant enough to only hand out commissions, never take them

Guild_Master: doin my part

Rosaria: It’s not something to be proud of

Bennett: Actually, what does Hunter look like? Do you know them, Rosaria?

Rosaria is typing… 

Hunter: Hey I see Barbara walking by

Hunter: seems to be looking for somebody sitting in a bar right now

Rosaria: ...he wears a mask

Bennett: He’s Fatui??

Hunter is typing… 

Hunter has left the chat 

Guild_Master: wait no  

Guild_Master has added Hunter to the chat

Hunter: Are we done here?

Guild_Master: K?

Katheryne_01: That concludes the rules in their current form, although they may be revisited by the end of the trial run. It also concludes official guild business for today. 

Katheryne_01 has pinned Ad Astra Server Rules  

Chenqiu: So unofficial business is okay?

Bennett: Sure! Do you have any?

Chenqiu : Not yet, ahaha. But do not worry, I am sure something shall present itself soon enough

Fischl: This is so fun!

Fischl: Wait--

Oz: Mein fraulein requests you wait a moment while she organizes her thoughts. I do too.

Fischl: That is to say... It is heartening that even this fallen world may grant a small sliver of respite from the solitude that is my burden as arbitrator of the fates.

Bennett: I’m happy to be here too!

Hunter: Then if we’re all quite done--

Fischl: That familiar hair of spun gold… harken! My fellow exile from another world once more walks the street of this moonlit citadel! I, Prinzessin der Verurteilung, shall bestow upon her the blessing of ethereal speech.

Oz: She’s gone to give the Traveler Lumine a gadget.

Katheryne_01: Thank you, Oz. I’ll write that down now. If anybody needs me, say my name.

Guild_Master: m out

Guild_Master has gone offline 

Katheryne_01 has gone offline 

Bennett: So we’re sticking around a bit?

Rosaria: I have work to do, but someone has to explain things to Lumine before you incompetents fuck it up

Chenqiu: Language, lol. 

Chenqiu: Okay, I’m in for that

——-

Archon Space has been renamed The Seven  

Barbatos has been renamed Venti  

Venti: hey guess what I found out?

█████ :  you insect, what are you doing here? I have very specific reasons to doubt your status as an archon

█████████ : You’re here to disturb my meditations again, I suppose.

Venti:  I changed the name, see.

█████ : The Seven, the Archons, it means the same thing.

Venti Nope. See, now we’re the Seven who that Traveler is going to chase down and beat up. Anyhow, it’s my ethereal space, don’t be rude.

█████ has been renamed Tsarita  

█████████ has been renamed Raiden 

Venti: There, we’re all on the same level now. Do you want to hear what I found out or not?

Morax has been renamed Zhongli

Zhongli: I see you’ve found an interesting loophole for this power, Venti. What have you learned?

Venti: heh heh <3 zhongli.
Venti: so the adventurer’s guild has its own version of this chat now

Venti: hey Tsarita are you going around handing out proprietary information?

Tsarita: ...I know better than to do so myself. I shall inquire with my servants. Heads will roll.

Venti: Whoa hold on stop

Venti: Zhongli make her stop

Venti: I’m not complaining

Venti: it’s a good thing

Raiden: only a shiftless wastrel like yourself would think so

Zhongli: Tsarita

Tsarita: What, I’m busy

Zhongli: Venti, please stop saying things you don’t mean to your sister

Zhongli: such as “i’ll only support you when you pry my gnosis from my living flesh”

Zhongli: And “somebody in your camp has betrayed you, please panic”

Zhongli: it only leads to senseless suffering

Raiden replying to Tsarita : Is that what you call it? And yet you accomplish so little.

Tsarita: excuse me, i was not panicking. I was implementing a methodical and sensible information security check

Tsarita: but you’re right. Venti is too cowardly to say anything meaningful

Venti: ...

Venti: so zhongli as i was saying. The kids have a gadget for ethereal speech now. Want to sneak into their chat with me?

Zhongli: I stepped back in part because Liyue was overly reliant on divine supervision. I see no need to reverse this policy.

Tsarita: And because your gnosis is mine now. Thanks for that by the way.

Zhongli: It is not a matter of thanks. Business is business, as the merchants say.

Venti: I’m still calling foul. Neither of you even let me see the contract!

Raiden: Stop barking. It was your lack of foresight that resulted in Morax being duly compensated, while you can only bitterly count the grains lost in the wind.

Venti: Now look… oh, ‘in the wind’! 

Venti: Haha, good one!

Raiden: I was not trying to… argh. This does not serve eternity.

Raiden: I have a statue to complete.

Raiden has gone offline

Venti: Wow. That really soured the mood.

Venti: Come on Zhongli, I really need a pick-me-up now. How about we head over and have a look at the chat? You never drop by since you picked up that contract with the young fire lady.

Tsarita: He never dropped by before, either. 

Tsarita: Smart of him.

Venti: :(

Zhongli: I fear my retainer will keep me busy for quite some time yet. However, if you are inclined to peer into the Adventurer’s Guild’s space, I would not mind hearing about it in the future. Perhaps over some plum baiju.

Venti: Hehe, I’ll take you up on that.

Chapter Text

Lumine has joined server ‘Ad Astra’

Fischl: Behold, for I have brought the caged Traveller to where she may seek insight to better slip the chains of fate.

Bennett: cool, hi lumine!

Venti: hi, lumine!

Kazuha: Greetings, Lumine.

Hunter: glad you’re here

Chenqiu: lumine! Long time no see 

Lumine: i saw you last week? Did something weird happen to the timeline again?

Rosaria: Ignore him. Having his head constantly in a novel has rotted away his brain

Rosaria: Use this chat if you need to reach me. Or any of these fools, if you should need them

Rosaria: That’s all you need to know

Bennett: uh hold up

Bennett: what about the rules?

Kazuha: Indeed. If you would enlighten our friend

Bennett: me? sure i guess

Bennett: Make sure you fish your gadget out of the lake and give it a good whack to start it up again.

Bennett: Uh, don’t let Klee join.

Bennett: what else… oh yeah! If something hits you, you gotta bring it to Kathryne.

Chenqiu: Additionally, you must recite the guild motto each time you join the chat as a show of commitment. 

Hunter: ...I’m just going to let them all get it out of their system and then i’ll summarise.

Fischl: Tremble not in fear, for I shall recite the essential law that governs this plane and protects souls from the violet lightning of retribution! All tomes of cursed learning and bounty alike must be returned to their guardian ‘ere the appointed day sink into darkness.  

Oz: Library books must be shared out fairly, after all.

Bennett: library…. there were more rules?!

Bennett: oh no oh no, i missed something when that cat flew in my face

Kazuha: Hehe. Lan also wants us to report any swords recovered here.

Rosaria: A pointless duty. She’s as bad as that Victoria

Chenqiu: A rule I wish was everywhere: No carrots

Hunter replying to Bennett: Don’t worry about it, kid

Hunter: that it? Everybody done?

Bennett: u need at least four on the roster for an adventure team

Bennett: … i can still count you right lumine?

Hunter is typing…

Hunter: you know what? Nevermind. These rules are fine.

Lumine: ok, Hunter, do I know you?

Bennett: he wears a mask!

Lumine: ohhhhh

Lumine: ok yeah that checks out

Lumine: ok, this is great, very useful, i’m handing the gadget over to Paimon for now because she likes to talk, i have some commissions to do

Lumine has been renamed Paimon

Paimon: Paimon hears Inazuma is Very Expensive

Kazuha: you have no idea

Paimon: well mayyybe somebody could tell us, mister bloodhound

Kazuha: later. I need to go stab some Fatui who are shaking travelers down.

Kazuha has gone offline

Hunter: I like that man’s priorities.

Fischl: Harken! As today marks the first occasion that we pierce the veil from the ethereal realm, there is cause for celebration. Let it be known that I, the Prinzessin der Verurteilung, sovereign of the Immernachtreich, have seen my judgment recognized in both terror and petty coin. As such, I shall guard thee all from the beast of famine that prowls by thy doors.

Oz: We’ll be at the Good Hunter if anybody wants a free lunch.

Paimon: yaaay Paimon knew you were the best!

Chenqiu: Raise a glass of aster cider for me, everyone. Even if I always end up missing out on these occasions, I can picture the scene.

Bennett:  sorry! be great if u were here too

Venti: oooh, i’ll be right there, Princess!

Hunter: wait

Hunter: venti

Hunter: why are you here?

Venti: silly, i’m a member of the chat. See, my name’s in the list

Hunter: ...there’s no wine, you know

Venti: good conversation is its own reward! Oops time for lunch!

Fischl replying to Chenqiu : Worry not, o weaver of fate. For ere seven moons have plunged into the dark waters of yonder ocean capital, I shall return there to unravel all deception with mine evil eye. Then shall we dine together on the remnants of heartbreak at the Wanmin’s shrouded hearth.

Paimon: Ooh, sounds fun! Paimon will make sure we’re there too

Chenqiu: You and that green bard have certain things in common don’t you

Kazuha is now online

Kazuha: the Fatui victims were Treasure Hoarders so I had to deal with them too. By which I mean ‘stab’.

Kazuha: does anybody know if i’ll still get my commission from the guild?

Bennett: oh no!

Bennett: u didn’t stab them too hard right?

Rosaria is typing…

Bennett: right?!

Kazuha: They hardly felt a thing. My blade is quite sharp.

Bennett: omg

Paimon: Hehe, you have to collect your payment directly in those cases.

Paimon: Paimon knows :)

Rosaria: Corpse looting, is it?

Rosaria: Efficient. I approve.

Chenqiu: Check again. Are you sure you’re a Sister?

Rosaria: where it matters

Rosaria: don’t expect me to waste time on prayers

Hunter replying to Kazuha: I’ll pay if the guild reneges

Paimon: How generous!

Chenqiu: Is that sarcasm? I honestly cannot tell

Katheryne_01 is now online

Katheryne_01: I have a special commission here from Albedo.

Katheryne_01: he needs 2 mist flower corollas and 2 flaming stamen by this evening.

Bennett: Oh I can do that!

Katheryne_01: I’m sorry Bennett but he specifically asked me not to let you take it for your own safety.

Bennett: Awww

Rosaria: I can get that done in an hour or so.  Bennett, meet me at the gates then and you can cover defrost duty

Bennett: heck yeah!

Bennett: benny’s adventure team ASSEMBLE

Katheryne_01: Thank you, Rosaria. I’ll tell Albedo to expect you.

Katheryne_01 has gone offline

Fischl: While the flesh of this world cannot hope to sustain me, the bleeding sunset of Sara’s delicacy doth suit this earthly vessel. The tears of sinners shall suffice for the rest. 

Hunter: so long as those tears don’t contain alcohol

Venti: you really missed out, Hunter

Hunter: eh, just had breakfast

Venti: oh not on the food, although that was great!

Venti: thanks prinzessin!

Hunter: ...what are you babbling about now

Venti: hee hee hee wait and see

Hunter: …

Kaeya has joined the chat

Hunter: oh

Kaeya: oho to you

Kaeya: isn’t this a fascinating little toy

Bennett: are you a guild member too, Captain?

Kaeya: would I be here if I wasn’t?

Venti: hehehe

Oz: Mein fraulein’s hands are full at the moment but she wishes me to welcome you to the chat, dear Captain.

Kaeya: oho? What’s she doing?

Oz: While there is no shame in it, I think she’d rather I didn’t say.

Kaeya: oh come on

Kaeya: holding out has got to be against the rules

Bennett: um… don’t think katheryne said anything

Chenqiu: it certainly is!

Oz: Nevertheless

Kaeya: Awww

Kaeya: well, anyhow, commission

Kaeya: does anybody know where I can get 100 silk flowers

Chenqiu: Sure. Gui can order some

Kaeya: need them in 5 minutes

Chenqiu: what

Kazuha: does anybody know why fischl is 

Rosaria: is what?

Chenqiu: wait back up, 100 silk flowers in 5 minutes?

Kaeya: 4 now

Chenqiu: do you have any idea what you’re talking about?

Rosaria: no

Venti: no

Hunter: no

Kaeya: mayyybe. 3 minutes. Come on, come on, time’s running out and a client is waiting. No?

Hunter: don’t tease kids

Chenqiu: hey!

Kazuha: ok well I caught fischl as she fell out of that tree

Oz: oh dear

Fischl is typing…

Chenqiu: Is anybody hurt?

Bennett: oh no was I too close? What tree was it?

Kazuha: she’s a bit shaken up but she seems okay. I may be her new knight? It’s a bit unclear. 

Kazuha: But the baby birds are safely back in their nest

Bennett: omg that’s adorable

Fischl is typing…

Fischl: One understands that discretion is not as sought among those that cannot destroy worlds with a single misspoken syllable, and not all are as exemplary in such matters as faithful Oz. Nevertheless, let it not be said that the Prinzessin recognizes not valor in her service.

Kazuha: my pleasure. Now if you’ll excuse me there’s an abyss mage plotting with some samachurls I need to deal with

Kazuha has gone offline

Bennett: he sure moves fast

Hunter: sometimes you have to

Hunter: I get it

Kaeya: well, there goes that commission

Kaeya: it’s a sad, sad day

Kaeya: i could have gotten a clue to a great treasure

Paimon: Hey Mr Pasty Eye, we remember last time

Kaeya: oops heheheh

Hunter: again, don’t tease kids

Hunter: or food supplies

Paimon: Hey!

Fischl: As Prinzessin der Verurteilung, it falls upon me to judge sinners and mete out deserved chastisement. O sharp tongued one, desist in your affronts against the meek, least mine three thousand year self sup upon your soul as mine ‘emergency rations’!

Hunter: three thousand years old

Oz: that’s what mein fraulein said, yes

Hunter is typing…

Kaeya: in the market for glass houses, Hunter?

Hunter is typing…

Hunter replying to Fischl: whatever you say

Fischl: You should be commended for submitting to my decree.  Indeed, thus are you spared the infinite embrace of the Immernachtreich.

Hu Tao has been added to the chat

Hu Tao: The Wangsheng Funeral Parlour, for all your fatality-related needs! Be sure to ride in style in one of our sandbearer wood coffins! Complementary incense! Your friends will… hehe… die of envy! 

Hu Tao: Ask for group discounts. Custom orders don’t bother us!

Chenqiu: Hi Hu Tao!

Guild_Master: o hell no

Guild_Master has kicked Hu Tao from the chat

Chenqiu: Bye Hu Tao!

Guild_Master: k wat the hell was that

Guild_Master: who let the mnky in here

Bennett: Not me!

Bennett: … she mails flyers straight to my door

Rosaria: a pity you’re always broke

Rosaria: and no. I spill blood, I do not arrange for its clean-up

Chenqiu: Nope. May be recruiting somebody else soon though…

Hunter: ...huh. Venti, did you add her?

Venti: um, no. i definitely didn’t.

Guild_Master: then how did she get here

Venti: good question…

Bennett replying to Chenqiu: yay new member!

Bennett: … do they need a team?

Chapter Text

Rosaria is now online

Rosaria: commission for you losers

Rosaria: where can I get some decent fucking cigs

Kaeya: Barbara found your stash again huh

Rosaria: no idea how the ditz does it

Rosaria: unless… okay

Rosaria: which of you was it

Rosaria: confess now and keep your testicles

Hunter replying to Rosaria: Fontaine

Bennett: they hold to Barbatos church rules there?

Bennett: cool!

Hunter: ...

Rosaria: import some for me

Rosaria: sooner the better

Rosaria: i know you can

Hunter: I have no idea what you’re talking about

Rosaria: bartlebos how are you so bad at lying

Rosaria: fuck nvm I’ll ask Mona

Chenqiu: tell her you need a reading on how to find cigarettes

Chenqiu: that way she can’t charge you for it :)

Kaeya: what the hell

Kaeya: why are you even here mystery man?

Kaeya: you’re not fooling anyone

Bennett is typing…

Hunter: first, do i know you?

Hunter: second, information is information

Hunter: third, some adult needs to be present in the playroom

Bennett: i mean he is an adventurer, why would he need to fool anybody?

Hunter: and finally, heh

Kaeya: how the hell do I roll my eyes on this thing

Venti: 🙄

Bennett: ooh! I gotta try that

Venti: 😀😙😻😜😝😂🥺🤨😟 lol

Guild_Master: my eyes! they brn!

Kaeya: oh right 

Kaeya: bards

Venti replying to Guild_Master: 👀

Guild_Master: watch it

Guild-Master: i can kick you all the way to inazuma

Chenqiu: These are hilarious

Kazuha: just remember moderation, my young friend

Kaeya: hey babysitter, are you just going to let him poison all these young minds?

Hunter: paying attention to him just encourages him

Chenqiu: a little exposure to poison supposed to be good for you

Chenqiu: inoculation

Rosaria: there’s enough poison there to drown a geovishap

Kazuha: nice to see everybody in good spirits today

Kazuha: i’m off to crash a mitachurl meetup

Kazuha: back later

Kazuha has gone offline

Rosaria: that man needs a hobby

Chenqiu: seems to me he has one

Kaeya: everyone needs a hobby or three

Kaeya: never a dull moment. Right Hunter?

Bennett: 🙄

Bennett: got it!

Bennett: 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Rosaria: the infection begins

Black_sky has been added to the chat

Black_sky: Hello everyone. 😀

Bennett: oh wow are you another bard?

Guild_Master: hi welcome to gild chat etc

Guild_Master: K give him the rules

Chenqui: especially the one about carrots

Black_sky: ah, is that what this is?

Black_sky: let’s see

Black_sky: I see Katheryne forgot something

Ad_Astra has been renamed Ad_Abyssosque

Black_sky: so nice to meet you all😀

Rosaria: the hell is this

Chenqiu: should they be able to do that?

Black_sky: do what? 😀

Guild_Master replying to Chenqiu: i dunno!

Hunter: ah. it’s a target.

Black_sky: hunter… do i know you?

Hunter: depends on if you get reports from the dead

Bennett: um

Bennett: guys don’t fight

Black_sky: hey, i just wanted to say hi.

Guild_Master: who the hell r u

Guild_Master: id urself

Black_sky: I’m me, that’s all

Black_sky: this seems fun. And new.

Black_sky: I don’t see a lot of new things these days

Black_sky: it’s just the same old same old

Black_sky: I may have all the time in the world to wait

Guild_master: K why can’t I kick him???

Black_sky: but it can get a little tedious after a while

Hunter: ...fuck

Black_sky: still want to kill me, scary man?

Hunter: oh yes

Hunter: so much more

Black_sky: hmmm

Black_sky: oh hey, it’s kaeya

Black_sky: been a while

Kaeya: what

Black_sky: don’t you remember me?

Hunter: don’t

Black_sky: don’t what? 😀

Kaeya: no fucking idea who you are, man

Hunter replying to Kaeya: good job

Guild_Master: rite ok Sys_Admin we have a problem

Black_Sky: oh no! The system administrator! How frightening

Sys_admin has been renamed Bough_Keeper

Bough_Keeper: It’s me.

Black_Sky: oh hell, not you again

Bennett: who?

Black_Sky has been banned from the chat

Ad_Abyssosque has been renamed Ad_Astra

Bough_Keeper: Katheryne’s access has been restored.

Bough_Keeper has gone offline

Guild_Master: rite thks

Bennett: um. what just happened?

Katheryne_01: Systems appear to be back online.

Katheryne_01: I apologize for any inconvenience.

Guild_Master: whew

Guild_Master: glad that over

Hunter: good

Hunter: I have work to do

Childe has joined the chat

Childe: What’s this, then? Stirring things up without me?

Childe: So glad I decided to drop in

Hunter: anemo fucking archon

Venti: don’t blame me

Hunter: shut up

Hunter: take your hands off the gadget, bard

Hunter: if you make this day worse you will never get a drink in this town again

Kaeya: hey my turn to help: down boy

Childe: Haha, this is going well!

Bennett: 👀

Hunter: Katheryne! Do you people even know the meaning of information security?

Katheryne_01: I don’t quite understand? Mr. Childe’s presence is indeed unusual, but as a member of the Tsarita’s court he’s been granted special access.

Hunter: fucking knights of favonius all over again

Kaeya: whoa now

Childe: Ah, you must be the famous cavalry captain I’ve heard so much about

Childe: Perhaps we can spar sometime

Fischl is now online

Fischl: Childe!

Fischl: Hmm-hmm, my fellow traverser of the unfathomable seas. A wonderful sight indeed!

Oz: Mein fraulein is pleased you could join us.

Kaeya: wait

Hunter: you KNOW him?

Hunter: kjhefakjhfkalsdhfkals

Rosaria: are you ok over there hunter?

Hunter: no

Childe: Adversity makes you stronger, you know

Childe: So bring it. I’ll be waiting 

Bennett: don’t fight

Bennett: plz?

Fischl: Hold! If fire boils thy blood, then my magic arrow shall pierce it from your heart. Come to the fording of raging waters, that its dark lightning may show you the strength I lose in my transition to this world.

Childe: Thanks, Princess. I’m always up for a spot of exercise.

Venti: Fischl, no!

Oz: She means she’d like to train.

Bennett: oh whew

Childe: Why would you think I’d fight a kid like Fischl?

Paimon is now online

Paimon: hi everybody

Paimon: what’s

Paimon: ...

Paimon: maybe paimon’s remembering wrong but didn’t you try to destroy liyue harbor via a zombie god

Chenqiu: oh THATS who he is

Childe: hey, it all worked out in the end. 

Childe: paid my fine to the Qixing and that’s that

Hunter: the rulers of liyue harbor

Hunter: charged a fine

Hunter: for trying to destroy the city

Chenqiu: well of course. someone needs to pay for the rebuilding of the Jade Chamber

Kaeya: hey there tiger, do you need me to hold onto your Vision again

Kaeya: so nothing accidentally burns down?

Hunter replying to Kaeya : drop dead 

Kaeya: ah we’re back to the usual

Bennett replying to Hunter: i dont know what’s wrong but can i help?

Rosaria: Put Childe on your adventure team

Hunter: ...no, it’s all right, kid

Childe: Why do you have such a grudge against me anyhow?

Paimon: You tricked us! and made us babysit your brother

Paimon: who’s much nicer than you, meanie

Rosaria: the gods let Childe have a sibling

Rosaria: if there was ever a reason to turn atheist

Paimon: oh, oh! and you kept sending food back

Paimon: if you don’t want it let Paimon have it!

Childe: i have three younger siblings

Childe: they all love me, thank you very much

Paimon: because you LIE to them

Childe: what? I do not

Childe: anyhow I wasn’t talking to you

Paimon: You told him you make toys!

Childe: so anyhow Hunter

Paimon: Hey don’t ignore Paimon!

Kazuha is now online

Kazuha: the fatui here seem less skilled than the ones from my homeland

Chenqiu: Maybe the ones in Inazuma are specially--

Chenqiu: hold on weren't you fighting mitachurls?

Kazuha: i did. And then the fatui showed up. i think they wanted me to pay them damages for yesterday

Kazuha: I guess i did, in a way 

Childe: hey new friend where are you?

Bennett is typing...

Hunter: Kid, no

Bennett: srry

Childe: I can meet you at the same time, ‘Hunter’

Childe: Show me just how good you are with a bow

Kazuha: Childe… I’ve heard of you. You summoned a dead god to destroy Liyue Harbor, right?

Childe: why does everybody keep bringing that up? I paid my fine

Oz: while I do not wish to pressure you, mein fraulein was looking forward to a contest of skill

Fischl: Oz! The Prinzessin der Verurteilung has many royal engagements, nor does she fear solitude, as that is the noble’s lot. Indeed, the freeing of hours shall hasten the unraveling of the spider’s web that purports to deceive mine eye.

Childe: Oh did you want to go right away?

Childe: Of course I’ll meet you there. Sign me up for the strongest opponent!

Fischl: Ah! I’ll be right there!

Fischl: That is… since the veil of misunderstanding has cleared and you are appropriately penitent, then I, Fischl, shall grant you a demonstration of the world-shattering power granted to my bloodline.

Oz: We can catch some fish for dinner while we’re there, too

Childe: Better and better

Childe: Oh and Hunter

Childe: i’m looking forward to meeting up with you so we can finish our conversation

Childe has gone offline

Paimon: hmph! at least Paimon isn’t the only one he ignores

Kazuha: interesting fellow

Chenqiu: he’s been good for the local economy, that’s for sure

Kaeya: hunter

Kaeya: if you’re planning to burn his house down while he sleeps

Kaeya: he’s a hydro guy

Hunter: I have no idea what you're talking about

Chenqiu: just means more fire is required

Rosaria: welp, he's dead

Paimon: we can only dream

Bennett: guys don’t make fischl sad

Hunter: goddammit

Guild_Master: no cussing!

Hunter: jksdhfkashjdfkjskdjf

Chapter Text

Fischl: The hour draws nigh when the Prinzessin shall punish sinners and drink of their anguish. Mask upon mask avails not when duty requires one to pierce to agonizing truths. Soon shall one return crowned in glory!

Kaeya: ...just what have you been up to, young lady?

Rosaria: Oz?

Oz: Alas, I cannot say, dear Sister

Fischl: heehee

Fischl: that is to say… all shall reveal itself soon

Kaeya: hmm

Kaeya: does this have something to do with that harbinger?

Fischl: If  you speak of the knight of abyssal waters, tread carefully. For he is one’s boon companion.

Chenqiu: that doesn’t actually answer the question

Oz: Our Snezhnayan friend has been perfectly pleasant

Chenqiu: …

Chenqiu: still not an answer

Bennett: I’m worried 🙁

Fischl: Be at ease, bearer of the cursed wheel. For I, Fischl, am the omniscient and eminent judge of all misfortunes. No calamity shall befall me when I have already seen every warp and thread of fate’s tapestry.

Kazuha is now online

Kazuha: Fischl, your baby birds are doing well

Kazuha: Bennett, Razor wants to know when you’ll be in his forest again

Kazuha: Rosaria, I got these cigarettes off some Fatui scum, do you want them?

Kaeya: fatui scum?

Kaeya: ...have you been spending time with Hunter? 

Bennett: oh right i was supposed to meet Razor

Rosaria: they’re not snezhnayan are they?

Rosaria: those are like smoking tar

Kazuha: don’t think so

Kazuha: the package is green

Kazuha: do they have green in snezhaya?

Childe: wait. was he blond?

Childe: scar on one cheek?

Kazuha: oh, you’re still here

Hunter is now online.

Childe: But of course. we’ve yet to have a go

Childe: not for arkadi’s sake though

Childe: fuck that guy

Kaeya: Oho, my answer appears

Rosaria: sounds like those weak Sumeru smokes

Kazuha: so that’s a no?

Rosaria: I’ll take them

Rosaria: better than nothing

Hunter replying to Kaeya : fuck off

Hunter: hey fatui scum

Hunter: don’t you have better things to do?

Childe: what could be more useful than feeling out the enemy?

Childe: that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?

Bennett: guys…

Rosaria: yes, yes, don’t fight. We know

Fischl: Parting is sweet sorrow,  but one may no longer tarry. As this world’s reckoning of time is fleeting upon the frigid glass of the cosmos’ clocktower, I must hasten to deliver judgment upon the spiderweb.

Fischl: If the fates spare thee from the shadow of perdition, then we shall meet again soon.

Childe: Have fun, Princess!

Fischl has gone offline

Childe: you know, you talk a big game ‘Hunter’

Childe: but you sure like hiding behind masks too, don’t you

Childe: More of a sneak than a warrior. too scared to put your blade to the test?

Kaeya: ah so you haven’t met

Childe: you seem so sure of that

Sucrose is now online.

Kaeya: i’m pretty sneaky myself

Hunter: shut it, Alberich

Childe: Aha, so rivalry exists here too! Will we yet smell blood on the fair winds of Mondstat?

Hunter: Would you like to hear what I did to the last fatui scum to put his hands on Mondstadt children?

Sucrose: would you two kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP

Sucrose: before i shove bombs down your throats

Childe: first of all, that’s sick, Hunter, i’d never hurt a kid

Childe: second, holy shit

Sucrose: measure your penises on your own time

Sucrose: i’ve got actual business here

Hunter: ...when did she show up?

Kaeya: uh

Kaeya: does Sucrose know she has a bad impersonator?

Rosaria: no that’s her

Rosaria: and she’s been up since the crack of fucking dawn

Rosaria: despite that bad omen

Rosaria: i am now wiping a tear of pride from my eye

Rosaria replying to Sucrose : you did good, honey

Sucrose: don’t patronize me, bitch

Sucrose: i have been up since noon yesterday

Sucrose: I do not have the patience for this shit

Rosaria: oh

Rosaria: huh

Childe: oh my god this is the best day of my life

Bennett: 😳

Sucrose: now shut up and go fetch me three samples of cor lapis and fifteen boar tusks

Sucrose.: … fuck. make that sixteen boar tusks

Kaeya: and what exactly will you be paying for it?

Sucrose: scientific advancement for the whole city

Sucrose: and filthy mora, since that’s what it takes for you ingrates

Childe: you know, you remind me of some of the artificers back home

Childe: the best ones

Sucrose: is that getting me tusks?

Sucrose: oh look its not. so either get some or stfu

Childe: nah, think i’ll stick around 

Childe: talk to you more

Sucrose: whatever. im going to get some more mfking coffee

Sucrose has gone offline

Childe: dammit i wanted my own personal bomb threat

Kaeya: hunter

Hunter: what

Kaeya: i don’t think you’ll need to worry about childe anymore

Childe: hey. I think i’ve got a chance

Bennett: chance?

Bennett: should I leave the chat so I don’t ruin it?

Kazuha: don’t, bennett. Your presences adds sweetness to an often bitter tableau

Bennet: aw thanks

Hunter replying to Childe: heh

Childe: you got something you want to say Hunter?

Hunter: welcome to the guildchat, fatui scum

Hunter: i’m going to enjoy this

Childe: bring it

Hu Tao has been added to the chat

Hu Tao: Hello everyone!

Hu Tao: What’s this???

Hu Tao: Hunter! Childe!

Hu Tao : a duel before making your funeral arrangements would be a grave mistake

Hu Tao: I’m here to offer my assistance! to the very end, hehe

Chenqiu: hi Hu Tao! You made it in again

Hu Tao: You got it! Expert at crossing borders, that’s me!

Paimon: wow you guys talk a lot

Bennett: it’s guild business though

Bennett: wait, is it?

Hu Tao: Ayah, don’t worry about it! Relaxing is part of business too, right?

Paimon: yeah!

Bennett: I never thought of that! Great!

Kaeya: wow

Kaeya: she is truly evil

Hunter: hu tao, how are you getting in here if lan didn’t give you a device

Hunter: this is a serious question

Childe: why yes it is

Childe: i too would like this answer and I’ll pay you a lot if you tell me but not him

Hu Tao: That’s a trade secret ~!

Hu Tao: Passed down from generation to generation at the Wangshen Funeral Parlour

Hu Tao: are you sure you can afford it? 

Rosaria : oh shit

Kaeya: welp

Childe: oh yes. 

Childe: I can. 

Childe: way more than this asshole

Hunter is typing...

Paimon: uh oh

Hunter is typing...

Kaeya: time to throw myself on the bomb

Kaeya: give my love to klee

Hunter is typing...

Kaeya : Sucrose! Sucrose! Sucrose!

Sucrose is now online.

Sucrose: kaeya, this had better be good

Sucrose: ...what is with this goddamn penis measuring?

Sucrose: do any of you have my 18 boar tusks and 4 cor lapis?

Sucrose: no

Sucrose: have any of you even accepted the commission

Sucrose: also no

Sucrose: why the hell would you waste my time by calling me here to look at all this posturing from these pieces of primitive bioalchemy gone wrong

Kaeya: sorry

Kaeya: i fucked up

Kaeya: please don’t kill me

Sucrose: you are a fucking asshole kaeya and I hope your dead fox chokes you

Sucrose has gone offline

Chenqiu: wow

Chenqiu: she does encores

Paimon: Paimon’s scared now

Hunter: ...thanks kaeya

Kaeya: you owe me one

Childe: i

Childe: gotta go

Childe has gone offline

Kazuha: I think I too shall go

Kazuha: 18 boar tusks and 4 cor lapis?

Kazuha: i’ll make it 20 & 5

Kazuha has gone offline

Hu Tao: Olah! silly boars should learn to speak hilichurl

Paimon: Paimon doesn’t think they’d have much to say

Hu Tao: I only need them to listen

Chenqiu: I see, an untapped market

Hu Tao: Hehe, you know me so well

Rosaria: What will they pay with, pinecones?

Hu Tao: pretty sure the disposal will pay for itself

Paimon: Ooh, ooh! Paimon volunteers!

Paimon: extra fancy burial in Paimon’s belly. with lots of sauce!

Guild_Master is now online

Guild_Master: how the hell does the pest keep getting in here?

Guild_Master: for the last time

Guild_Master: we don’t want any. stop distracting the gild from SWORDS

Hu Tao: hey I’m offering an essential service

Hu Tao: this is my responsibility as heir to the Wangsheng Funeral Parlour, and guardian of the border

Hu Tao: see

Guild_Master has kicked Hu Tao from the chat

Chenqiu: Ah, Hu Tao, if only you knew how to choose your time...

Guild_Master: bla bla blah good riddance

Guild_Master: but someone keeps letting her in

Paimon: not us! 

Paimon: we’re doing big important commissions for cloud retainer

Chenqiu: you seem to be spending a lot of time here though

Paimon: Mount Aozang is booooring

Paimon: don’t take the amber, Paimon! don’t put that in your mouth, Paimon!

Guild_Master: cinque

Guild_Master: its u isnt it

Chenqiu is typing...

Guild_Master: u all keep treatin this chat as play time

Guild_Master: its not

Guild_Master: also rule 2 bitch

Chenqiu is typing…

Kaeya: I don’t think even Sucrose can stop him

Kaeya: sorry lan, you’re on your own

Sucrose is now online

Kaeya: oh shit sorry Sucrose

Sucrose: die

Sucrose has gone offline

Chenqiu is typing…

Rosaria: wait. since when does Lan actually know guild rules

Rosaria: much less care about them

Guild_Master: K’s busy

Guild_Master: helpin the sys ad with that blk sky punk

Guild_Master: im not happy about this either

Chenqiu:  Me? How can you even think such a thing? I’m very conscious of my privilege in joining this space and I wouldn’t dream of violating our revered guildmaster’s rulings. The very idea is repellant to the idea of chivalry, where we perform good acts to help those in need. While some might say Hu Tao indeed needs such a social outlet as this place could provide, it is not for me to decide if she’s welcome or not. I know that I’m but a guest here myself, and it would corrupt my aims in promoting chivalrous behavior for me to so disrespect the rules of this august organization I’ve been allowed to contribute to. It is my deepest hope, nay, dream that one day we can all join hands on an adventure that will become a legend retold decades, even centuries in the future. But if in some way I’ve given cause for offense, only tell me where and I’ll rectify the situation. As for our funeral director, she has already passed beyond our reach here, so it seems pointless to occupy ourselves with the hows and wherefores of her prior access, don’t you think?

Rosaria: wow. I think that was worse than fischl

Rosaria: I don’t know whether to clap or cry

Guild_Master: …

Guild_Master: no way in fk am i reading that

Bennett: hey just fished my gadget out of the whopperflower pit

Bennett: what i miss?

Guild_Master: fine

Guild_Master: this time

Guild_Master: but keep it up im gonna put yanfei on retainer

Chenqiu: I will certainly keep that in mind.

Bennett: ok glad everything is ok

Bennett: hey where’d hu tao go?

Guild_Master: >:(

Guild_Master: benet

Bennett: yea?

Guild_Master: did u lose ur device anywhere

Bennett: um

Bennett: kinda?

Rosaria: where hasn’t he?

Bennett: but i get it back! and its still working i promise

Guild_Master: …

Guild_Master: rite. gonna talk to K

Guild_Master: that plague better not be here when i get back

Guild_Master has gone offline

Hunter: i don’t know how a text conversation can be so genuinely exhausting

Kaeya: maybe try sleeping more

Hunter: not while there are so many insects to squash

Bennett: what kind of insects?

Kaeya: come on, man

Kaeya: organize your life better

Kaeya: or let somebody else

Kaeya: like you used to

Hunter: don’t you dare

Kaeya: doesn’t have to be the same person

Kaeya: but for fuck’s sake

Kaeya: you’re starting to worry me

Hunter: yeah 

Hunter: well

Hunter: just think about the things that make you laugh

Hunter has gone offline.

Bennett: um 

Bennett: guys…

Bennett: nvm i guess

Rosaria: bennett

Bennett: yes?

Rosaria: do not grow up to be like those two

Rosaria: I forbid it

Chapter Text

Kaeya : Hey, Childe, are you around?

Kaeya : No?

Kaeya : Must be stealing some candy from little kids then.

Rosaria : Particularly slow children, maybe

Rosaria : If you’re so desperate for company, the Cat’s Tail is open

Kaeya : Oh I know

Rosaria : And yet you choose to be on here instead

Rosaria : how very responsible of you

Bennett : sry captain. haven’t seen him on here for a bit

Bennett : i can tell him ur looking for him?

Kaeya replying to Rosaria : hey i can do both. 

Kaeya : Diona’s just handed me something with a duck feather in it

Kaeya replying to Bennett : nah, don’t worry about it

Kaeya : though…. Has anyone seen Fischl?

Rosaria replying to Kaeya : just the feather? lucky you

Rosaria : mine had a whole ruin guard gear perched in it

Chenqiu : that sounds distinctly unhealthy!

Rosaria : from anyone but the catgirl maybe

Rosaria : as it was, gave it a spicy tang

Rosaria : like cinnamon-stuffed cherry

Bennett : huh

Rosaria : but no. I have not seen Fischl in some time

Rosaria : … why?

Bennett : yah she hasnt been on much either

Kaeya : hmm

Kaeya : given her friendships that may be worth worrying about

Fischl is typing...

Fischl : Whilst your concern does you credit, know that the Auge der Verurteilun’s dark fire burns away the smallest web that would dare lay claim upon my person. That protection is granted also to mine companions, whose dark cloaks hide only hearts of the bravest flame

Fischl : worry not if the passing of nights heralds not words from the  Prinzessin, for your world’s time is but a fleeting thing. Rest assured that soon the spider’s nest shall be entirely scoured

Fischl : While one’s sacred destiny provides its own protection, your well wishes fall not upon deaf ears

Oz : Thank you for your concern, but we’re in the middle of a job. We may be out of touch for a bit.

Oz : wish us luck

Childe is now online

Kaeya : that son of a bitch

Childe : Oh, Princess, are you going? 

Fischl : A good evening to you, treader of the dark waters. Much as we are loath to leave when you have come seeking our counsel, the darkest shadows already fall across this land. I must hasten to scatter them.

Childe : OK! Let me know when you’re back, though.

Oz : We will.

Fischl has gone offline

Oz has gone offline

Childe replying to Kaeya: what was that about a son of a bitch, hmm?

Childe : And how often do I have to tell you people that I don’t hurt kids?

Kaeya : of course not.

Kaeya : how could I have thought otherwise

Childe : why were you looking for me anyhow?

Kaeya : no reason

Kaeya : hey rosaria

Rosaria : hay is for horses kaeya

Kaeya : The terrifying Sucrose found me in the hall this morning. I spent ten minutes cowering while she tore my character to shreds

Rosaria : I find this hard to believe but go on

Childe : yeah, go on

Rosaria : oh. yes I see

Kaeya : oh come on you know what she’s like. That giant brain doesn’t have time for us peons. When was the last time you actually had a normal conversation with her?

Rosaria : certainly a volatile personality

Kaeya : I’m kind of glad she’s got this place now. Maybe it’ll let her vent steam more.

Sucrose is now online

Sucrose : You got something you want to say, ‘pirate’ boy?

Kaeya : no no

Bennett : i think he already said it?

Sucrose : whatever. I have experiments to run

Sucrose : speaking of which, commission complete. Thanks to the one person here who does things instead of yapping

Sucrose : Kazuha, I left the payment at the reception desk

Childe : whoa whoa whoa kazuha?

Kazuha is now online

Kazuha : You’re welcome, Miss Sucrose. I’m happy to have helped expedite your work.

Childe : how the hell did you get that stuff faster than I could?

Chenqiu : especially with all the fatui agents at your command, hehe

Kazuha : pure luck, I’m certain

Childe : ...yeah. sure.

Childe : i bet you got shit materials though.

Sucrose : fucking excuse me?

Sucrose : I signed off on those materials. You think I don’t know what I need for my own testing?

Sucrose : Come down to my lab and say that to my face, you prissy fuck

Kaeya : oh anemo archon in heaven

Venti is now online

Venti : Aww, Diluc isn’t here to tease.

Venti : did somebody say wine?

Bennett : Mister diluc isn’t part of the guild though?

Rosaria is typing…

Rosaria : better not. I don’t need another lecture about spoiling the magic of youth

Chenqiu : nobody said wine,  no.

Venti : oh.

Venti : well i know somebody was talking about alcohol somewhere.

Sucrose : fucks sake you are the worst booze hound

Sucrose : someone even says the word and you show up

Sucrose : if you try to drink my lab ethanol I will shock collar you

Rosaria : I thought your vision was anemo

Sucrose : I don’t need a vision to boot some asses

Venti : and after I played such sweet lullabies to your plants

Venti : you’re supposed to tip for that, you know

Sucrose : here’s a tip. that hat looks terrible on you

Childe replying to Sucrose: so where do you work?

Sucrose is typing…

Hunter is now online

Hunter : why don’t you tell me where YOU work.

Hunter : oh right. You’re still in liyue

Hunter : I’ll send along the documentation of what I did to the last fatui scum who thought mondstadt made a fun playground

Rosaria : bold of you to think he has the attention span to read

Childe : hey fuck you

Childe : is this about Fischl again?

Childe : what the fuck do you think i’m doing to her?

Rosaria : where shall we start

Childe : she’s what, 14?

Bennett : 15

  Kaeya : bennett

  Bennett : sorry

Childe : whatever. I don’t know what twisted shit you get up to in your drunken backwater but where I’m from, Fischl is a child

Kazuha : You did scheme to crash a dead god into Liyue’s harbour

Kazuha : You can hardly say you prioritize the safety of children when you’re willing to go that far

Childe : Come on. Like the adepti would have allowed it ashore

Hunter : One name.

Hunter : ‘Dottore’

Childe : that motherfucker

Childe : i’d love to personally cut his throat

Childe : and yours too if you ever compare me to him again

Rosaria : then what are you up to with fischl

Rosaria : if you need a new sibling then recruit them from your own ranks

Bennett is typing…

Childe : Listen here

Bennett : thats enough

Rosaria : Stay out of this, Benny

Bennett : no

Bennett : not this time

Bennett : when was the last time u even spoke to fischl?

Rosaria : that’s not relevant

Bennett : because childe saw her just the other day

Bennett : he’s her friend

Hunter : harbingers aren’t anybody’s friend

Bennett : he asks about her day.  they share lunch sometimes. if she needed something he’d come running

Childe : hey now, you’re making me sound like a dog

Bennett : id say that makes him her friend. more than most of u on this chat

Bennett : so lay off mr harbinger

Rosaria is typing...

Venti : wow

Rosaria is typing…

Rosaria : no. you know what

Rosaria : I’m proud of you Bennett

Sucrose : oh no you don’t you fishnet bitch

Sucrose : don’t patronize me and don’t patronize him either

Childe : while I do appreciate the sentiment

Childe : i’m right here you know

Chenqiu : wow rosaria. told off twice in one day

Kaeya : Bennett you’re right. Thanks for saying something.

Kaeya : sorry about that

Bennett : uh

Bennett : ur welcome i think

Sucrose : no dammit stay mad

Sucrose : yell at these fuckers. It feels great

Venti : awww Kaeya 

Venti : apologizing is hard work

Chenqiu : check again. 

Chenqiu : Are you sure you’re Sucrose?

Sucrose : don’t make me go to liyue to beat your ass

Childe : if you do let me know

Childe : ill show you round town

Hunter replying to Venti: not for him it isn’t

Venti : shush

Venti : hard work deserves a reward

Venti : like a drink

Rosaria : finally a good idea

Kaeya : you’re right

Kaeya : come by the cat’s tail and i’ll buy you both a drink

Diona has joined the chat

Diona : oh no you don’t! you take your boozehound friends somewhere else

Diona : you’ve already been here for an hour! rrr get lost already

Rosaria : does Margaret know you’re trying to run off business?

Diona : nevermind that

Diona : don’t you all have better things to do?

Diona : hmph some knights

Kaeya : I just watched her run off on her break and join the guild so she could say that

Kaeya : cute kitten

Diona : for the last time i am NOT a cat!

Sucrose : scratch them for me, Diona. 

Sucrose : i have experiments to do

Childe : hey sucrose about my offer

Sucrose is now offline

Childe : aaaand ignored

Rosaria : better luck next time Paimon

Childe : hey now there’s no call for that

Childe : hmm. I’ve got some planning to do, it seems

Childe is now offline

Rosaria : I’m sure that won’t end badly

Bennett : lay off! I meant it!

Rosaria : fine, fine. I’ll drown my doubts in a Diona special cocktail

Diona : laugh now. you won’t be for long

Diona : how do I post a commission on here?

Chenqiu : uh, if you’re like sucrose you show up and terrify us all into doing it

Kaeya : he’s not wrong. Lay it on us, miss drinks princess

Diona : i’ll scratch all of you if you don’t listen up

Kazuha : I regret to tell you this, but you’re adorable as well as an ornament to your profession, Miss Diona.

Diona : hey I won’t be bartending long. It’s just part of the master plan

Diona : speaking of which, commission

Diona has posted a commission : Destroy the Wine Industry.

Diona : raze it to the ground. I’m offering mixed drinks for a year to whoever succeeds

Chenqiu : I feel like that request and the posted reward are sending, aha, mixed signals

Rosaria : die

Kaeya : awww come on, diona. That hurts

Hunter : you drink too much anyhow.

Hunter : all of you

Rosaria : are you sure you should be saying that?

Hunter : why wouldn’t I?

Hunter : oh except kazuha

Hunter : he’s all right

Diona : hmph no he’s not

Diona : i saw him singing a drunken song last night

Kazuha : i suppose…. technically… that is what i was doing

Hunter : i take it back

Hunter : kazuha, you’re not all right

Kazuha : heh

Diona : at least someone has the right perspective here

Rosaria : you don’t even know who he is

Diona : he has the right instincts

Diona : a cat can

Diona : I mean, I can sense these things! It’s my huntress’ nose!

Hunter : hey we hunters have to stick together rosaria

Rosaria : oh babatits

Venti : um

Venti : wait

Venti : nevermind

Rosaria : kaeya are you seeing this?

Kaeya : whatever

Kaeya : it’s not like hunter and I know each other

Kaeya : right hunter?

Hunter : who are you again?

Bennett : i think it’s nice Hunter has a friend!

Venti : finally someone who appreciates the sorrow that is grape juice

Hunter : hardly a sorrow

Hunter : fresh juice has no drawbacks

Rosaria : except boredom

Kaeya : ...ow

Kaeya : being scratched by diona hurts more than you’d think

Diona : you had it coming, you lush. Don’t laugh at me!

Rosaria : bold words from the girl hiding under the counter now

Diona : I am feeding the kitties, that’s all!

Hunter : you two just love bullying the kids

Hunter : look at what alcohol has done to you

Diona : Hunter! Let’s destroy the wine industry together!

Venti : this would be the start of a beautiful friendship if it didn’t threaten everything we hold dear

Chapter Text

Chongyun has joined the chat

Chongyun: Good day. My name is Chongyun, and my family has practiced the art of exorcism in Liyue for many generations. I would be honoured to put my skills to use to quell restless spirits.

Chenqiu: Oh fantastic, I’m glad you finally showed up!

Chongyun: My apologies. I was tracking a spirit rumoured to appear on moonless nights along the pathways of the Wangshu Inn.

Rosaria: and did you catch the vigilant yaksha?

Chongyun: more like he caught me

Chongyun: it was quite awkward

Chongyun: I offered to accompany him on his next hunt by way of apology

Kaeya: hoo boy

Chongyun: ah. You have done the same, I take it?

Kaeya: well

Kaeya: let’s just say I know people who have

Kaeya: our paths don’t cross so much normally

Kaeya: I wonder if he’d appreciate one of these gadgets…

Guild_Master: cut that out

Guild_Master: these are for official guild business and SWORDS

Guild_Master: no giving them out to randos

Chongyun: With respect, I would not describe a sacred adeptus as a…

Chongyun: … ‘rando?’

Guild_Master: does he use a sword

Chongyun: well no

Guild_Master: rando!

Katheryne_01: Guild Master, as per your instructions I must respectfully remind you that we have an announcement to make.

Guild_Master: can’t it wait

Katheryne_01: You said you would say that, and that I was not to accept it.

Guild_Master: dammit past me. that bitch is always one step ahead

Guild_Master: sigh

Guild_Master: ok listen up

Guild_Master: given the dog’s breakfast you’ve all made of this chat so far, we’ve decided to try out a new role

Diona: drunkards?

Hunter: slackers?

Kaeya: hey be nice

Hunter replying to Kaeya: oh i am believe me

Venti: yeah. be nice to the captain

Paimon: but tone-deaf bard, you’re the worst of them all!

Venti: eheh, you have a point!

Guild_Master: STFU!!!

Guild_Master : this exactly the crap Im talking about

Guild_Master: gotta get some organization in here

Guild_Master: K?

Katheryne_01: We will be implementing the ‘Client’ role on a trial basis.

Katheryne_01: This designates participants who are not members of the Adventurers’ Guild, but have been granted limited access to the chat to post and discuss their commissions.

Oz has come online

Oz has gone offline

Childe has come online

Childe: uh… Oz?

Childe: what was that?

Chenqiu: Not sure. I guess the situation resolved itself?

Rosaria: curious timing, Childe

Guild_Master: AHEM

Katheryne_01: Please keep in mind that the same rules apply to Clients as to members in terms of language use and damage to devices. Abuse of this privilege will lead to termination and retrieval of the device.

Guild_Master: by way of knife boy Kazuha 

Guild_Master: so you know we’re serious

Chenqiu: I welcome this change!

Childe replying to Rosaria : what? 

Childe: doesn’t everybody keep track of their friends?

Childe: speaking of which

Childe: where’s lumine?

Paimon: packing for inazuma

Rosaria: i thought she’d have stuffed you at the bottom of the case

Rosaria: aren’t you always complaining about being forgotten?

Paimon: that was before paimon got the chat gadget

Paimon: nobody can forget now

Paimon: paimon power!

Hunter: Archons forbid Jean receive one

Kaeya: Acting Grand Master Jean to you, stranger

Kaeya: but yeah

Kaeya: she’d never sleep again

Yanfei has joined the chat

Guild_Master: good good

Guild_Master: there our first one

Yanfei: Hey there! For anyone who I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting outside the ethereal realm, I’m Yanfei, top legal expert in Liyue

Yanfei: Looking forward to retaining you on a number of upcoming matters!

Chenqiu: hey Yanfei how’s it going?

Chongyun: Greetings. I have not had the honour, but Xingqiu has told me much about you

Yanfei: oh? a sterling recommendation, I trust

Chongyun: Yes. He said if I should ever be sued for trespass, I should seek you out

Chenqiu: sounds like a smart fellow!

Chongyun: I… you would know best, wouldn’t you?

Chongyun: considering

Chenqiu is typing...

Rosaria: no stop please don’t make him

Rosaria: too late i guess

Guild_Master: yanfei

Guild_Master: gonna need you to condense whatever novel comes out

Yanfei: I’m sure a reasonable rate can be arranged

Guild_Master: … nevermind can’t be that important

Chenqiu: ...

Chenqiu: are you looking for work yanfei? You could always join the guild

Yanfei: I have plenty of cases at the moment, thank you. And the role strictly defined as a ‘client’ per Article 5 of the Revised Guild Code

Guild_Master: the wat

Chenqiu: A commission then? I would be pleased to help you out, my lady :)

Yanfei: Haha, I expect that I’ll have another soon. For now, I simply wanted to familiarize myself

Chenqiu: I see

Chenqiu: so the role gets assigned to potential clients too

Katheryne_01: It is permissible under the proposed rules, yes.

Katheryne_01: Although in this case Miss Yanfei is a client of long standing.

Chenqiu: That’s great! Hu Tao was just telling me she needed someone to help her find good poetry spots. 

Chenqiu: where moonlight pools

Guild_Master: NO

Guild_Master: clients not fking solisitors

Chenqiu : but as a lawyer, Yanfei is a solicitor and barrister

Guild_Master: you know what i meant

Guild_Master: don’t fk with me

Venti: pity

Venti: that sounded like a fun commission

Chongyun: She was likely looking for an audience rather than help.

Venti: oh I both appreciate and teach ☺️

Venti: speaking of which, Childe

Venti: I’ll be offering lessons starting next week

Childe: lessons?

Childe: in what?

Childe: is this about Osial again?

Venti: no no

Venti: romantic poetry ❤️🔥

Childe: ...what does this have to do with me?

Venti: oops too early

Venti: nevermind 😗

Albedo has joined the chat

Albedo: Ah, this is what Sucrose has been muttering about.

Guild_master: have to introduce yourself!

Albedo: Yes, of course. I’m the Chief Alchemist of the Knights of Favonius, along with their Investigation Captain. I thought being able to communicate my commissions directly might reduce the error rate.

Katheryne: I must once again apologize, sir. 

Albedo: Once was enough, thank you. This should be sufficient going forward.

Childe: Hey, you know Sucrose?

Childe: hmm

Childe: Where is she, anyhow?

Rosaria: i never pegged you for a masochist but here we are

Albedo: Sucrose? She’s asleep, I believe.

Kaeya replying to Albedo: You might enjoy reading some of the backlogs where our favorite bio-alchemist appeared

Albedo: oh?

Hunter: what do cats eat?

Rosaria: hey diona

Rosaria: question for you

Diona: for the last time I am NOT a cat

Rosaria: but the cat’s tail is full of them

Diona: working cats doing their jobs

Diona: at least when they can be bothered to

Hunter: cats are supposed to like fish, right?

Diona: it depends

Diona: some of them are unbelievably picky

Diona: you wouldn’t believe that jerk Paisley

Hunter: is it by breed? this one’s black and white

Diona: no, coat coloring shouldn’t

Diona: wait a minute

Diona: yellow eyes and a white tipped tail?

Hunter: let me check

Hunter: yes

Diona: Paisley you brat

Diona: i saw that awful Diluc sneaking around the back

Diona: thought he might have kidnapped him to hold him as a hostage

Diona: but no that jerk cat was safe with Hunter being fed koi on a pillow all this time

Rosaria: balboa give me strength

Venti: ...balboa

Rosaria: bibimap?

Hunter: what does he eat then?

Diona: nothing until he gets hungry enough

Diona: are you in Monstadt? just bring him by the bar and I’ll take care of it

Diona: I’ll treat you to a chicken skewer too

Kaeya: oh yes hunter, you should definitely drop by

Kaeya: let me know when you do. I like a good show

Albedo replying to Kaeya: Ah, I see.

Albedo: My assistant has been relaxing.

Albedo: You seem to be engaged in an interesting experiment.

Childe: wait, she’s your assistant?

Albedo: Yes?

Albedo: I was under the impression that this was common knowledge.

Hunter: he’s a liyue pest

Hunter: he knows better than to come to mondstadt

Rosaria: hey bard how do we facepalm?

Venti: 🤦

Chenqiu: 🤦

Childe: oh i’ll get around to you hunter

Childe: as soon as I’m done here

Hunter: so you say

Kazuha is now online

Bennett is now online

Kazuha: Good afternoon, folks.

Kazuha: I see the chat has grown.

Bennett: thanks again kazuha!

Bennett: wasn’t sure what to do when that hypostasis ate my gadget

Guild_Master: honestly b

Guild_Master: wats it gonna be next time 

Guild_Master: oceanid

Bennett: my map does have a marker for the lake north of wuwang hill

Bennett: but i’m sure i can sneak around it

Guild_Master: 🤦

Kazuha: Oh, Lan

Kazuha: I’ll be heading back to Inazuma soon

Kazuha: I have some business to sort out

Kazuha: so i’ll have to pass that commission onto somebody else

Guild_Master: nooo

Guild_Master: i need you

Venti: oho ❤️🔥

Guild_Master: all the admin stuff piles up without you

Guild_Master: also your best muscle

Venti: aww 💔

Kazuha: I’ll do my best to come back, I promise

Paimon: oh yay its time its time its time

Paimon: inazuman food here I come

Kazuha: not quite yet, but soon!

Kazuha: later, all

Kazuha has gone offline

Chongyun: This space is not really what I expected.

Chenqiu: but in a good way, right? :)

Chongyun: I think I can see why you wanted me here.

Yanfei: Classic evasion of the question.

Yanfei: I approve.

Chenqiu: oh my friend, you’ve seen nothing yet

Chenqiu: allow me to count the reasons why

Chenqiu is typing…

Rosaria: …

Chenqiu is typing …

Bennett: he’s uh been at this for a while

Kaeya: Do we really have no defense?

Guild_master: kazuha would know how to deal

Chenqiu is typing …

Guild_Master: fk it yanfei youre hired

Chapter Text

Ad Astra Chat

Diona is now online

Diona: hey hunter

Diona: ty for bringing Paisley home last night I found the basket

Diona: but why didn’t you come in? I had that chicken all prepped and ready

Hunter: past my bedtime

Rosaria: how very responsible of you

Chenqiu replying to Rosaria: you keep saying that of others

Chenqiu: are you projecting?

Diona: hey leave him be

Diona: its good to get to bed at a decent hour

Diona: you boozehounds could learn from him

Rosaria replying to Chenqiu: Check again, are you sure you’re Chenqiu?

Chenqiu: Touché

Chongyun: Alcohol excites my yang energy ☹️ so I don’t drink

Chongyun: but I get sad sometimes when everybody I know is

Diona: well stop that

Diona: don’t drink and you won’t end up sad and old

Diona: drop by and I’ll fix you something much better

Kaeya replying to Hunter: chickened out, eh?

Bennett: hey good one 😂🍗 💥😜🤣

Rosaria: venti next time i see you you’d better run

Rosaria: diona you’re encouraging a non-drinker to come to a bar

Rosaria: i know you’re like 6 but come on

Rosaria: you should know better than to tempt people

Diona: oh no. Chongyun just stick to popsicles ok?

Diona replying to Rosaria : quiet you old hag 

Diona: Sucrose says booze kills brain cells and it shows

Rosaria is typing…

Kaeya: let it go rosaria

Kaeya: kitties are only cuter with claws

Diona: hey!! do you want to get scratched again?

Sucrose has come online

Sucrose: it’s true

Sucrose: I’d be happy to take a sample and show you in a petri dish

Chenqiu: uh… take a sample how?

Sucrose: well what we’d do is we’d take Kaeya’s frontal lobe

Sucrose: slice it very thinly and place it on glass for exposure to Electro resonance

Sucrose: then superconduct the fuck out of that sucker

Bennett: i dont feel well 😵🤢

Rosaria: my my

Rosaria: is it a lab or an interrogation room you’re running?

Sucrose : bitch you dont know anything about interrogation

Sucrose: until youve seen Assassin put an informer through the red-hot stipples

Sucrose: BRUTAL

Chenqiu: i see youve been catching up on Sharks of Teyvat

Sucrose: oh ive read them all 

Sucrose: volume 4 is just my favourite

Bennett: ive been thinking of picking them up

Rosaria: bennett no

Rosaria: despite what sucrose reading them might make you think, they aren’t wildlife books

Bennett: rosaria i know theyre crime novels

Bennett: they get passed around the guild all the time

Sucrose: even Lisa knows to keep them in stock they're that good

Sucrose: got my own copies of course. Don’t want anyone else’s grubby fingers on them

Rosaria: you mean you can’t work up the nerve to bring them to the checkout desk

Sucrose: dont you fucking start

Oz is now online

Bennett: hey fischl! 

Bennett: sorry I know Sharks isnt really your thing

Bennett: but the next volume of Lady Starblood is coming out

Bennett: and I was wondering

Childe is now online

Oz has gone offline

Bennett: oh

Bennett : nvm it wasn’t important

*

Private Message: Kaeya <-> Hunter

Kaeya: how long are you planning on playing this game with Diona?

Hunter: not sure, i was thinking around ten years?

Hunter: worked for you

Kaeya: ok then

Kaeya: no actually you know what?

Kaeya: not ok

Kaeya: i think I can safely say that no it didn’t fucking work for me

Kaeya: if you actually like Diona you can’t fuck with her like this 

Kaeya: or

Kaeya: and I speak from experience here

Kaeya: she’ll hate you forever once she finds out

Hunter: …

Hunter: I don’t hate you

Kaeya: yeah, right

Kaeya: look, think about coming clean to the kid

Hunter: does it change your little social calculus when you include how she already hates the real me?

Kaeya: no

Kaeya : because you’re going to hurt her more and more the longer you lie

Kaeya: and you’re not that kind of man

Kaeya: yes, i know, i am, blah blah blah

Hunter: …

Hunter: i’ll think about it

Kaeya : you do that

*

Ad Astra Chat

Kaeya: hey what was that about my frontal lobes?

Kaeya: what are frontal lobes anyhow?

Kaeya: because if they’re

Kaeya: uh nevermind

Sucrose: it took you that long to catch up?

Sucrose: you really do have an anomalous amount of brain damage

Sucrose: guess I‘ll break out the scalpels

Kaeya: Albedo are you aware of what your assistant gets up to?

Kaeya: CHILDE

Kaeya: hey tell me fischl isn’t avoiding you for some reason because i’m not in the mood to plot your death right now

Kaeya: beg for death myself, possibly

Kaeya: speaking of which, hi sucrose

Sucrose: hi asshole

Sucrose: so what do you think about Sharks? Who’s your favourite?

Sucrose: I bet its Foreigner

Childe: I haven’t seen the Princess since she went on her secret mission

Childe: not sure what’s up with Oz

Chenqiu: equipment malfunction?

Childe: don’t think he uses any

Childe: anyway she can take care of herself

Childe: what’s this Sharks thing?

Sucrose is typing...

Albedo: A series of novels about an international criminal organization.

Sucrose : goddamnit albedo

Sucrose: you suck the drama and fun out of fucking everything

Sucrose: it’s not a “series of novels” you dipshit

Sucrose: it’s the fucking grittiest bit of genius to come off the printing presses in YEARS

Sucrose: so shut the FUCK up and let me describe them properly

Albedo: Sucrose, you know I’m right next door, yes?

Albedo: I can hear you talking as you type.

Albedo: Having said that, my enthusiasm got the better of me. I like Lancer.

Albedo: I hope she gets a bigger role in future volumes.

Sucrose: shut up. you know you love it when I talk this way

Sucrose: and Lancer is a basic bitch

Sucrose: see the whole Dragonbellow arc

Childe: uh… Sucrose is just Albedo’s assistant right?

Kaeya: i mean they’re pretty close

Hunter replying to Kaeya : what the fuck is wrong with you

Chongyun: I read one of those books

Chongyun: it was hard to follow

Chongyun: I liked the art though

Oz is now online

Bennett: I hear it’s pretty bloody

Rosaria: enough to drive up the price of red ink for a month

Bennett: wow. maybe i’ll stick to lady starblood after all

Sucrose: don’t puss out, Bennett

Diona: hey!

Diona: cats stand up to dogs five times their size you know

Oz has gone offline

Rosaria: protesting a bit too much

Diona: grr! 

Hunter: being a bully again Rosaria?

Sucrose: fuck spare us the cat fight 

Sucrose: anyway Bennett. Read. Them.

Sucrose: don’t make me kick your ass

Venti is now online

Venti: Hi everybody!

Venti: I saw Kazuha and Lumine on the Alcor as it headed east.

Venti: oooh Sharks, who’s your favorite, Sucrose?

Sucrose: where do I even fucking start

Sucrose: it’s Saber’s journey, right? 

Sucrose: and the culture shock at what the Sharks do

Sucrose : and then her transformation into hard steel when she understands why … 

Sucrose: it’s easy to relate

Venti: another Saber fan <3

Sucrose: But Foreigner’s mind is so brilliantly twisted, I love it

Kaeya: hey really? And i was wondering if I should be insulted earlier

Sucrose: shut up kaeya

Sucrose: anyhow and then there’s Archer

Sucrose: and his utter dumbassery… mwah.

Sucrose: Always going for the nuclear option

Venti: crashing a wild dragon straight into Rider’s wedding 

Sucrose: and grinning like a madman every second of it

Sucrose: hes both hilariously suicidally dumb

Sucrose: and goddamn badass

Venti: I wrote a ballad about Saber actually

Sucrose: really?

Sucrose: … you’d better not have filled it with weakass metaphors about flowers dying in the frost

Venti: no, no

Venti: it’s more like a lament. Contrasting Saber’s peaceful childhood with the violent struggles her path has led her to

Sucrose: ....

Sucrose: ok I’ll bite. Tell me more

Venti: I’ll play it outside your window some evening

Childe: Book 1, Cold White, ginger with a tattoo on his face for a cover? Is that where I should start?

Venti: that’s the one

Venti: let me know when you’re done with it, and I’ll sing it for you too

Venti: it might come in handy later

Childe: ...huh

Childe: i wonder who wrote these

Childe: better not be that bastard pierrot

Chenqiu : Fatui write novels about Fatui? I suppose one piece of writerly advice is to write what you know

Childe: no, it couldn’t be now that I think about it

Childe: you really like this stuff, Sucrose?

Sucrose: fuck yes 

Sucrose: relaxing bathtime reading after a day breathing in chemical fumes.

Childe: ...I’ll get the whole set

Venti: eheheh ❤️🔥

Chenqiu: Do you read a lot?

Childe: I do now

Bennett: I think it’s a great idea. It’s always good for people to find things in common.

Bennett: Even if Childe’s, uh…

Bennett: being a little weird about it tbh

Oz is now online

Oz has gone offline

Rosaria: okay, what the hell is up?

Rosaria: I know we’re in trial, but you cannot tell me that’s normal

Hunter: no, it’s not

Hunter: that’s something wrong

Yanfei is now online

Yanfei: Good day, everyone. 

Yanfei: While I realize this does not entirely fit within four corners of the ‘Client’ role

Yanfei: I was wondering if any of you had heard from Fischl lately.

Kaeya: We have not. Why do you ask?

Yanfei: She’s usually very reliable about checking in during an assignment.

Yanfei: but even with allowances made for covert movements, she should have reported by now.

Kaeya: Has she been working for you?

Kaeya: On what?

Yanfei: while confidentiality precludes me from giving out too many details.

Yanfei: I hired Fischl to look into why a client’s shipment wasn’t delivered.

Yanfei: when the defaulter turned up missing, she insisted on looking into the ‘vanishing’.

Yanfei: however much I told her that running out on debts is not nearly as rare as it should be.

Chenqiu: so that’s her big investigation?

Yanfei: Yes, pretty much. I wasn’t sure about funding it, but there’s something to be said for making an example of contract dodgers.

Yanfei: Fischl also looked so eager. It would have been like kicking a puppy not to let her poke around for a bit.

Bennett: why is it just Oz and not Fischl connecting?

Bennett: did she lose her gadget?

Hunter: …

Hunter has gone offline

Diona: Hunter will sort it out, you’ll see

Kaeya: ...I have not had enough wine for this

Kaeya: and for your information miss sucrose, Ruler is my favorite Sharks character

Childe : has everybody read these books or something?

Albedo: I don’t think Jean has.

Kaeya: She’s busy enough with the nonfiction

Kaeya: but she likes my recaps

Kaeya: especially on a bad day

Yanfei: Oh, Sharks of Teyvat?

Yanfei : Cold White was fun and Blood Gold was hilarious . 

Yanfei: I need to read the others.

Bennett: oh they have funny bits too?

Bennett: I heard they were super dark

Sucrose : They are dark!

Sucrose: the hell is wrong with you, you mora leech?

Sucrose: do all lawyers have such a twisted sense of humour?

Rosaria: this from the girl 

Rosaria: salivating over Assassin’s interrogation techniques 

Sucrose: that’s different!

Rosaria: uh huh

Kaeya: i mean, sucrose does collect bones, Ros

Kaeya: of course she’s bloodthirsty

Childe: oh really?

Albedo: Kaeya

Albedo: No, nevermind.

Yanfei: I’m sorry, but they’re so delightfully exaggerated. I simply cannot take them seriously. 

Chenqiu: so many fans

Chenqiu: we should meet up and do a live dramatic reading sometime!

Chenqiu: we can each do a part

Chenqiu: maybe Childe can do Archer

Venti: Shhh! No spoilers!

Sucrose: Yeah you all have fun with that

Chenqiu: won’t you come?

Albedo: I’ll go with you if you do

Sucrose: no way in hell

Sucrose: I have too much work to do

Sucrose has gone offline

Albedo: Hmm. I don’t like the sound of that.

Albedo has gone offline

Chenqiu: Oops

Chongyun: Should I be concerned?

Childe: hey you, bard

Childe: go sing your ballad under her window right now

Childe: and I’ll put 50k Mora in an account for you at my bank

Venti: 😳

Venti: ❤️🔥

Venti: Lament of an Orphaned Blade, coming right up

Chenqiu: Oooh, fantastic title. It nicely captures that Saber has lost both her family, and the cause she grew up with

Guild_Master is now online

Guild_Master: ugh

Guild_Master: i hear saber but no sword

Guild_Master: just that stupid sharks thing again

Guild_Master: dont tell me i need to pay someone to put the unseen razor into a book

Guild_Master: for people to finally take interest

Bennett: hey tell us if you do

Bennett: we can do a dramatic reading of that too!

Chenqiu: if you’re serious about it, let me know

Chenqiu: I can get a little bird in with the right people to make that happen 😉

Rosaria: dramatic reading pfft

Rosaria: make it a betting pool instead

Rosaria: how many times can the word ‘sword’ appear in 200 pages

Albedo is now online

Albedo: I can answer that based on Legend of Sword.

Rosaria: ...killjoy

Albedo: That seems to be my role today, yes.

Albedo: Speaking of which.

Albedo has posted a commission: Acquire 3 Ls of Dendro Slime Concentrate

Rosaria: That’s… an expensive request

Albedo: I’ll deliver the fee to Katheryne shortly.

Chenqiu: Dendro? Isn’t that more Sucrose’s field?

Chongyun replying to Chenqiu: Read the room

Venti: Mission accomplished!

Childe: Did she like it?

Venti: well, she didn’t shock collar me

Venti: we talked a little, too

Venti: I think she’s looking forward to discussing Sharks of Teyvat with you more later, Childe

Venti: I also think she and Fischl should have tea sometime 

Venti: they have a lot in common!

Childe: I’ll keep my end then 

Childe: come by the Northland bank to cash out next time you’re in Liyue

Diona: Hey! You should send that money directly to the Cat’s Tail! He owes us!

Venti: hehe sorry about that

Venti: my allergy to cats, you know. 

Venti: makes it difficult to come settle the bill

Diona: it doesn’t make it ‘too difficult’ for you to drink out half my stock!

Diona: and that only proves I’m right!

Childe: sorry

Childe: I don’t want to get involved in Monstadt internal affairs right now

Rosaria: how is it the justice archon, whatshername

Rosaria: doesn’t smite you on the spot

Kaeya : oho you prefer to wait until Hunter is around, i see i see

Childe: I mean that’s just being friendly

Chenqiu replying to Rosaria : how come you’re so bad with Archon names?

Rosaria: hey, they don’t know my name, why should I remember theirs?

Venti: hi Rosaria!

Rosaria: ...you’re weird, bard

Rosaria: Hey Bennett, come with me to get those Dendro slimes

Bennett: sure! Ill light them up for you

Rosaria has gone offline

Bennett has gone offline

Childe has gone offline

Oz is now online

Oz: 🕒

Oz has gone offline

Venti: ...you know, i think i’ll go find Hunter

Chenqiu: yeah 

Chenqiu: yeah, that’s a good idea

Chapter Text

Ad Astra Chat

Oz is now online

Bennett: yay oz!

Bennett: hey can you put fischl on

Bennett: the latest volume of lady starblood is out

Bennett: miss lisa got me an advance copy

Bennett: it looks great. i just skimmed the first chapter

Bennett: but it looks like arcturus did crash into the mad glass clock, just like she predicted

Chongyun: How amazing

Bennett: yeah! Fischl introduced me to them

Bennett: didnt even get mad when a boar chewed up the copy she lent me

Bennett: so this time I’m gonna return the favour hehe

Oz: 🕓

Oz has gone offline.

Bennett: aw

Chenqiu: it’s a bit of a shame you’re only friends

Chenqiu: This would be great inspiration for a tale of unrequited love

Bennett: rly?

Bennett: are books that romantic?

Chenqiu: my friend

Chenqiu: if I had a beloved

Chenqiu : I would shower them in blossoms of black ink and fluttering pages

Chongyun: you give everybody books, Chenqiu

Chongyun: don’t you?

Chenqiu: oh here and there

Chongyun: thank you for the Compass and Wraith ones incidentally

Chongyun: The battle scenes are quite well done

Chenqiu: right?! 

Chenqiu: It’s so easy to lose the reader in the whirl of adrenaline and combat styles, but wraith makes it easy to follow

Guild_Master: pfft youve only given xinyan one

Guild_Master: but you give like tons to chongyun every week

Guild_Master: i dont even like books and i notice

Chenqiu is typing...

Rosaria: here we go again

Guild_Master: oh shit

Rosaria: you just never learn lan

Chenqiu is typing…

Yanfei is now online

Yanfei has posted an URGENT commission: FIND FISCHL

Bennett: wha

Bennett: but oz was just on

Kaeya: And now you will tell us what’s happened, Yanfei.

Kaeya: Right now.

Yanfei: those ‘vanishings’ she was looking into… she was onto something after all

Yanfei: she told me she was going to infiltrate

Yanfei: I thought she was exaggerating things, you know, one of her flights of fancy

Yanfei: But I found out she was seen leaving liyue with ‘jade traders’ that nobody’s ever seen in the supply markets

Yanfei: And that’s several reports due now that haven’t hit my desk

Yanfei: I’m worried she’s in far over her head

Kaeya: Hunter Venti Rosaria Albedo

Guild_Master: well shit

Rosaria: I’m right fucking here, Kaeya

Bennett: oh no fischl!

Bennett: what can we do?

Albedo is now online

Albedo: Hm?

Albedo: Ah. The first thing to do is to stay calm and assess the situation.

Rosaria: I know what to do

Rosaria is now offline

Albedo: That is the precise opposite of my suggested course of action.

Albedo: Yanfei, thank you for your summation but now we need those details.

Albedo: When did you last see her? What direction did the jade traders go? What conspiracy did she report? 

Albedo: Actually, can I just see the reports?

Yanfei: Yes, I think that would be best.

Yanfei: That will allow me to gather the witnesses while you bring yourself up to speed.

Albedo: I’ll be in Liyue soon.

Albedo: Kaeya, will you secure permission from Jean while I get a few things together?

Kaeya: Already on that.

Albedo has gone offline

Chenqiu: I am at your service as needed

Chenqiu: Can I do anything at the harbor?

Kaeya: Possibly. Let’s see what happens when Sucrose comes online.

Yanfei: I have more bad news.

Yanfei: One of those traders was Ming-tun. 

Yanfei: Rumour has it he’s done some work for the Fatui before

Yanfei: Not the Northland Bank. Their less official branch.

Bennett: oh no

Venti is now online

Venti: that’s… not good news guys

Chongyun: They rarely are, but I sense that there is more at work here

Venti: we’re on the trail of her gadget

Venti: waiting for the hawk

Guild_Master: fk. Tiantian just filled me in about a harbinger rumour

Guild_Master: that ones been kidnapping people

Guild_Master: FK

Hunter is now online.

Hunter: this is not happening again.

Hunter: Childe you motherfucking scumbag

Bennett: he never shows up when called tho

Bennett: only when sucrose and fischl are here

Hunter: nevermind

Hunter: I can deal with him later

Hunter: Meanwhile since this chat security sucks

Hunter: I’ll pass Kaeya my findings directly

Hunter has gone offline

Bennett: im sorry

Bennett: i encouraged Fischl to give Mr Harbinger a chance

Bennett: she doesn’t realize how many friends she has so she gets lonely

Yanfei: Albedo’s here already, I’m going to talk to him.

Sucrose is now online

Sucrose: everything will

Sucrose: wait

Sucrose: a fatui harbinger?

Chongyun: it appears so

Sucrose: oh no

Sucrose: nonono

Chenqiu: Sucrose?

Chenqiu: You ok?

Childe is now online

Childe: up to chapter 5 now

Childe: the bit where Rider’s trying to lure her into joining his crew 

Childe: and Saber can’t even yell at him because she’s choking on the deathbite chilies in the soup

Childe: got the Wanmin to whip it up for me and downed it in one go

Childe: Didn’t break a sweat

Childe: Not impressed so far, Saber! 

Childe: Anyhow what’s been happening?

Sucrose: did you seriously log in

Sucrose : and say that

Childe: yes?

Childe: I have witnesses

Sucrose : YOU FUCKER

Sucrose : WHERE IS SHE?

Sucrose: TELL ME RIGHT NOW OR I’M GOING TO HAVE YOUR HEAD PICKLED AND HUNG FROM THE ACADEMIA’S FRONT DOOR!

Childe: whoa

Childe: I knew you liked Saber, but damn that’s some reaction

Sucrose: I’ll give you reaction

Sucrose: My fist your face if you dont stop being a DUMB FUCK and start talking

Childe: wait

Childe: who

Childe: oh

Bennett: she trusted you!

Bennett: are harbingers that heartless after all?

Chongyun: did he run away? 

Chenqiu: ...that would be a disappointment

Childe: Sorry

Childe: I had to step away for a moment.

Sucrose: to stuff your face with more chillies, you ASS?

Sucrose: what the HELL did you and your masked bitches do with Fischl?

Childe: No, I had to make sure certain of my subordinates received appropriate medical care

Childe: After I made them spill their guts

Sucrose: You seriously want us to believe

Sucrose: you had nothing to do with this

Chenqiu: you are the harbinger assigned to Liyue, aren’t you?

Childe: Remind me later and I’ll give a lesson in how the Harbingers operate.

Childe: Right now I need to figure out where Dottore has his latest lab

Childe: and how to get Fischl back.

Venti: We’ve recovered her chat gadget, guys

Venti: I don’t think any human could have put it in that crack

Bennett: what does that mean?

Childe: Where are you, bard?

Oz is now online

Oz: 🕔

Chenqiu: Oz! where are you?

Venti: it means that, i think

Venti: and that she dropped it on purpose

Oz has gone offline

Chenqiu: it seems he can’t tell us anything more

Chenqiu: but at least it means Fischl is still alive

Childe: Tell. Me. Where. You. Are.

Venti: uh

Venti: let me get back to you

Kaeya replying to Childe: Dottore.

Childe: Yeah, the whoremongering shithead himself

Childe: Met him before?

Kaeya: You really don’t know much about Mondstadt do you

Kaeya: We should swap stories sometime

Kaeya: Hey Chenqiu if you’re still at the harbor I have a task for you

--

Private Message Kaeya <-> Childe

Kaeya: So

Kaeya: Why do you want to know where Venti is?

Childe: Why do you think, asshole?

Kaeya: hmm

Kaeya: You were at Wanmin restaurant before?

Kaeya: Go there again. Sit outside. 

Childe: You really think I have time to waste

Kaeya: I think I have information that will save you hours

Kaeya: But first we need to talk

Childe: At the Wanmin

Childe: I thought you were in Mondstadt

Kaeya: I have my ways

Childe: Fine

Childe: where are you?

Kaeya: Me? I’m in Mondstadt. And you’re at the outside westernmost table at Wanmin. Well done. There may be hope for you yet.

Childe: ...smart of you not to be here

Childe: otherwise you’d be choking on this cruet

Childe: Where is Venti?

Kaeya: With Hunter

Childe: oh.

Kaeya: oho, I see you’re bright enough to id that problem

Kaeya: I can get you to the rescue team

Kaeya: and I may even be able to convince Hunter not to murder you right away

Childe: that won’t be an issue

Kaeya: but first you need to convince me you’re exactly the big dumb idiot you seem to be

Kaeya: well?

Childe: well what

Kaeya: You’re just sitting there

Kaeya: Apparently you’ve frightened the staff and patrons away

Childe: have I? didn’t notice

Childe: I’ve been thinking about how much I’d like to kill Dottore

Kaeya: Ah, we’re getting somewhere

Kaeya: And will you?

Childe: No

Kaeya: How very disappointing

Childe: I have a family, you know

Kaeya: So does Fischl

Childe: Oh, but killing Dottore is politics

Childe: Her Majesty will care

Childe: getting Fischl back is just a bit of a squabble

Childe: at least if I do it right

Kaeya: You? 

Childe: Who else?

Childe: Yeah ok I’m not so good at the plotting compared to the others

Childe: I’m still a Harbinger for a reason though

Childe: that reason being I can get in, and then get out again, no matter who gets in my way

Childe: that includes your friend Hunter

Kaeya: Friend? Hah

Kaeya: he’s got something of the same skillset, you know

Childe: not like I do

Childe: trust me on this

Kaeya: And then there’s Venti…

Childe: the bard? What about him

Kaeya: honestly i’m not sure but Hunter doesn’t usually let others tag along on his operations

Kaeya: all right tough guy

Kaeya: you haven’t and probably can’t convince me you’re necessary on the wholesale destruction front

Kaeya : however, you are a Harbinger and as you point out that has political ramifications

Kaeya: a big one being that if Fischl really did sign some sort of contract

Kaeya: and Mondstadt goes in to break her contract

Kaeya: that could result in certain inconveniences

Kaeya: but if instead of Mondstadt it’s just some folks helping 

Kaeya: in a Harbinger ‘squabble’

Kaeya: that will save Jean a headache or two

Kaeya: I’ll send you the location where the rescue team is meeting soon

Kaeya: when you get there, make sure you say that I sent you

Childe: couldn’t you just warn them ahead of time?

Kaeya: I could but I won’t

Childe: Why?

Kaeya: I have my reasons

Kaeya: trust me on this 

Childe: hah

--

Ad Astra Chat

Diona is now online

Diona: is Dottore the guy who left behind those weird machines on Galesong Hill?

Diona: Daddy sometimes finds scraps of them when he’s out hunting

Diona: they look like ruin guards, but like… not

Diona: really creepy stuff

Bennett: oh no

Bennett: i really hope fischl is ok

Diona: hey hey it’s okay

Diona: Hunter’s gone to help her, and the Knights too

Chenqiu: Yanfei will bend all of Liyue to help, too

Chenqiu: it really will be alright

Bennett: yeah, ur right

Bennett: my dads helped me muddle through despite all my bad luck

Bennett: so there’s no way anything bad will happen to fiscal

Bennett: not with everyone there helping out!

Sucrose: bennett you absolute dumbass

Sucrose: it’s okay to feel upset you can’t go too

Bennett: no no it’s okay

Bennett: i know the best thing I can do is stay out of the way. Bad luck and everything

Chenqiu: 👐

Bennett: it’s just… I hate this

Bennett: i hate sitting here doing nothing while she’s in danger

Chongyun: I sympathize

Chongyun: there have been times when an evil spirit was so overflowing with yang that I dared not confront it directly, lest my own energies combine to cause a calamity

Chongyun: Staying on watch until my mother could come and purify the threat, when it sat so close to my blade, was unbelievably frustrating

Chenqiu: but it always worked out in the end, didn’t it?

Chongyun: Yes. 

Chongyun: And this will too, I am sure of it

Bennett: yeah. I am too

Bennett: thanks guys 

Diona: speaking of your dads, Bennett 

Diona: I had one in the bar talking about you the other day

Bennett: oh no

Bennett: please tell me it wasn’t Lorgar

Diona: it was, actually

Bennett: oh Archons

Bennett: look, I can explain about the pizza

Diona: he was saying how proud of you he was

Diona: taking all that time to help Razor with his letters

Bennett: oh!

Bennett: yeah, Razor’s doing really great

Bennett: we’re working on reading menus right now

Diona: that’s great!

Diona: but make it take out if it’s the cat tail

Diona: the kitties are scared of him, the big cowards

Chenqiu: so Bennett

Chenqiu : what about the pizza?

Bennet: … ah

Oz is now online

Oz: 🕡

Albedo is now online

Oz has gone offline

Albedo: As a status update, we’re interviewing potential witnesses

Albedo: Hmm

Albedo: Does anybody know why Oz would be sending pictures of a changing clock?

Chenqiu: I haven’t thought of any yet

Chenqiu: do you think it’s meaningful?

Bennett: wait what

Albedo: It hasn’t correlated with the actual passage of time…

Bennett: it might not track actual time

Bennett: so much as an event. I mean, the mad glass clock—

Bennett: … 

Sucrose: what clock? What are you on about?

Bennett: fuck

Bennett: that’s a count down

Bennett: that’s a count down to midnight

Sucrose: what the FUCK Bennett

Bennett: lady starblood. If the clock strikes midnight, Altair will be swept away to the shore of the last horizon

Bennett: never to return

Diona: um but what does that mean for Fischl?

Chenqiu: nothing good, I fear

Chenqiu: I didn’t want to mention this earlier, but there are some unpleasant rumours about dottore

Chenqiu: involving, ahh

Sucrose: goddamn human experimentation 

Sucrose: the kind even the most ambitious assholes of the Academia won’t stand for

Bennett: human experimentation!?

Childe: ...

Childe: And now I ask my subordinates some more pointed questions.

Albedo: Since it doesn’t correlate to actual time it may be a reference to Fischl’s mental state

Bennett: oh nononono

Chongyun: I fear for her if so 

Diona: albedo you lunkhead!

Diona: not in front of the kids!

Albedo: ...I beg your pardon, Miss Diona

Albedo: Would you be so kind as to visit Klee while I’m away?

Albedo: She does love playing with you.

Diona: I see what you’re up to

Diona: but alright. Klee probably does miss you and those two drunks, archons know why

Diona: Bennett come with me?

Bennett: yeah

Bennett: yeah okay

Chongyun: this is a lot like sitting above those spirits’ den

Chongyun: most unpleasant

Chongyun: any news, Albedo?

Albedo: Let’s see, what can I share?

Albedo: Elemental tracking is showing some interesting details I’ll have to further investigate later

Albedo: I imagine Dottore is also quite interested in them

Venti: Albedo stop

Chongyun: uh yeah forget I asked

Guild_Master is now online

Guild_Master: imma book a trip to headqrters

Guild_Master: so i can stand outside the winter palace

Guild_Master : and throw the biggest fucking bill in their face

Guild_Master: for putting all of us through this

Sucrose: goddamn right Lan

Chongyun: that does not sound wise

Guild_Master: stfu i am on the goddamn warpath

Guild_Master: i have just spent the last two hours shaking down every guld member i can get my hands on

Guild_Master: pretty sure I sent a dozen members screaming from our ranks

Guild_Master: and I dont even care

Chenqiu: did you find anything out?

Guild_Master: some. sent it to yanfei

Guild_Master: first i lose kazuha

Guild_Master: now my best investigator

Guild_Master: and not even for the unseen razor

Guild_Master: this world is the wrst

Guild_Master: the absilute worst

Childe: The crazy bastard is wrapping up operations in Liyue for now

Childe: Planning on returning to Snezhnaya soon

Venti: Hunter says that’s bad

Childe: Yeah, it is.

Venti: we’re moving fast now

Childe: Not as fast as me

Childe has gone offline

Albedo: Yanfei and I will be there soon

Albedo has gone offline

Chenqiu: Has anybody heard from Rosaria?

Venti: Nope!

Sucrose: Kaeya says that’s when to either sigh in relief, or really get worried

Oz is now online

Oz: 🕢

Oz has gone offline

Guild_Master: dammit why haven’t they found her yet

Sucrose: they will

Sucrose: i know they will

Venti: Kaeya what have you done

Kaeya: sent along a little help

Venti: I think Hunter may kill him?

Kaeya: nah he’s actually pretty smart when it’s not me

Albedo: Yes but are you smart, Kaeya?

Yanfei: oh no

Bennett: whats going on now??

Yanfei: Childe just landed in front of Hunter

Yanfei: stretched and said ‘down there?’ and pointed at the valley

Yanfei: Hunter’s sword is on fire

Yanfei: Shit

Venti: ok yanfei’s hiding

Venti: and Childe just said that you sent him

Venti: to hunter

Kaeya: did it work?

Chenqiu: Fischl!

Chenqiu: remind him it’s for Fischl!

Venti: uh

Venti: were you trying to get Hunter to attack him?

Bennett: no fighting guys!

Venti: its ok, childe dodged

Venti: his eyes are weird guys

Sucrose: weird how?

Sucrose: if that fucker hurts any of you

Sucrose: I’m going to strap his corpse to a rocket and blow his constellation to smithereens

Chenqiu: yeah i saw him earlier

Chenqiu: i’ve seen more lively eyes in coffins

Chongyun: Perhaps he really is there to help?

Sucrose : smithereens

Venti: he doesn’t even have a weapon out

Venti: he’s just staring at Hunter waiting

Venti: i don’t think he interested in fighting Hunter at all

Chenqiu: According to the Traveler that’s… unusual

Chenqiu: I too think he’s actually there to help this time

Guild_Master: I’m gonna authorize it

Guild_Master: tell Hunter to include Childe in the operation

Venti: ...i’ll do my best

Guild_Master: tell him if he doesn’t I’m gonna kick his ass all the way to Inazuma

Guild_Master: where kazuha can kick it some more

Guild_Master : Fischl is my operative. So I call the shots

Yanfei: you’ll take the blame if this goes wrong

Yanfei: and incur significant liabilities 

Guild_Master: I’m ready for that

Albedo: Ah. Well done, Guild Master.

Albedo: Hunter is grumbling. I believe this is a good sign.

Venti: Hunter has informed Childe they’ll finish ‘this’ later

Venti: once again childe does not seem to care

Guild_Master: they can kill each other on their own time 

Guild_Master: now get going already!

Guild_Master: bring my girl home

Chenqiu: god i wish i was there

Chapter Text

Ad Astra Chat

Oz: 🕗

Bennett: oz!

Bennett: just hold on buddy

Chenqiu: do you think he can see the chat?

Bennett: i dont know but we have to try

Bennett: oz its okay

Bennett: the knights are here. they’re gonna rescue you and fischl

Oz has gone offline

Oz is now online

Oz: 🕣

Sucrose: they got this

Sucrose: Albedo’s gonna have dottore’s ass hanging off his pillar

Sucrose: it’ll be fucking sweet

Bennett: uh… what sucrose said

Bennett: and hunter and venti are there too

Bennett: theyll get you out of there

Bennett: everything’s going to be just fine

Oz has gone offline

Bennett: wait!

Oz is now online

Oz : 🕘

Oz has gone offline

Chongyun I don’t think it’s working

Bennett: i dont understand

Bennett: why is he cycling so fast

Chongyun: Albedo did say something about mental state

Chongyun: A panic attack, perhaps

Bennett: oh archons no

Bennett: FISCHL! We’re almost there

Sucrose: Hey bard! What’s the status over there?

Venti: I’ve never seen a fortified mine before

Venti: Big doors

Venti: annnnd they’re slag

Kaeya: keep talking. I want to understand what’s going on

Venti: childe and hunter are scary

Venti: um, this place is crawling with fatui. lots of cryogunners

Venti: Childe just introduced himself and about half of them dropped their weapons and ran

Venti: oh wow, Hunter’s just having a field day

Venti: oops I need to clear some of these steam clouds

Guild_Master: how u typin so fast?

Chenqiu: secret anemo power?

Venti : hee i am a bard

Venti: annnd childe and hunter are playing good knight, bad knight with some fatui

Venti: except it’s just endless bad knight

Yanfei: remind me to hire them for a job later

Yanfei: this place is a maze. lots of pipes

Sucrose: that would be to shuffle heat around. It’s essential in maintaining manufacturing and experimental facilities

Sucrose: even the fucked up kind

Venti: the guards say there’s other prisoners 💔

Venti: and an airship about to leave

Bennett: can you get them out?

Kaeya: somebody needs to get to that airship

Albedo: Hunter and I will take care of the other victims

Albedo: Childe and the rest will deal with the airship

Venti: we’re splitting up

Venti: this is going to be ugly 😟

Diona: give those fatui jerks hell!

Kaeya: Chenqiu, grab a friend and move out

Kaeya: Help with the victims but stay safe

Kaeya: no heroics please

Chenqiu: I’m on my way

Yanfei: Both teams have pyro on their side. That should help clear out all the cryo traps we keep running into

Yanfei: Hunter insisted he 

Yanfei has gone offline

Diona: nonono

Guild_Master: wtf

Albedo is typing...

Venti: shit

Venti: childe

Bennett: what did he do????

Albedo: Sucrose I need to know the pressure sequence for Vile’s Fourth Lock. Sketchbook 44, near the end.

Sucrose: on it

Venti: delusion + vision 

Venti: very scary

Venti: Yanfei’s ok

Bennett: what happened?

Yanfei is now online

Yanfei: bolt to my shoulder made me drop the gadget

Yanfei: definitely going to bill that later

Yanfei: sorry can’t talk more here they come

Bennett: … but it’s your own commission

Bennett: sigh. I rlly hope theyre ok

Oz is now online

Sucrose: Albedo, sequence is 6398, double on the green, then 421

Albedo: Thank you.

Bennett: oz!

Bennett: stay with us buddy

Bennett: theyre busting you out now

Oz: 🕤

Sucrose: come ON you damn bird!

Sucrose: at least help us find fischl

Katheryne_01 has gone offline

          : ▂▅▄▃▅▅▂

Oz: the sky

Diona: you’re outside?

Diona: like on the airship?

Oz: hurts

Oz: h

Oz: eye hurts

Bennett: its okay its okay

Bennett: stay calm

Sucrose: hmm

Diona: is that the bad kind of hmm

Oz: Vitric lines to bar one in cold embrace … ah, sin’s prison is inescapable even for the traveler of the void

Oz: This then is one’s chastisement for letting lives slip through her fingers as grains of dark sand

Oz: 🕙

Guild_Master: fk i miss kazuha he knows this poetry stuff

Albedo: We’re moving victims

Albedo: If anybody can translate what Oz said that’d be helpful

Chenqiu: Chongyun and I will be there soon

Chenqiu: Vitric means glass

Sucrose: chastisement… the fuck have they been having our girl do?!

Yanfei: If you’re going to evacuate do it quickly

Yanfei: The facility is flooding

Guild_Master: say wha

Venti: She’s right

Venti: There’s a lot of water sloshing up the stairs from the lower levels.

Guild_Master: ok what the actual fk

Guild_Master: is this death trap bullshit

Sucrose: more likely to be a self-destruct system

Sucrose: to prevent research and work products from ending up in the wrong hands

Sucrose: paranoid bastard

Oz: sky help

Oz: up above

Oz: my wings are

Yanfei: water up to our feet now

Yanfei: nobody try to come in after us

Yanfei: found the dock

Diona: glass lines to bar one in cold embrace

Diona: is she in a bottle?

Oz: distorted

Oz: lightning

Albedo: Aha

Albedo: there are glass coffins down here

Albedo: two broken ones

Yanfei: Airship’s still there

Yanfei: I think we made it

Diona: whew

Oz: mein fraulein i’m so sorry

Venti: they’re loading something onto the airship. another coffin?

Venti: I think we’ve found our princess

Venti: Dottore’s up there too. He’s waving at Childe

Venti: Oh dear

Venti: Think I’ll float on up and fetch her before things get out of hand

Bennett: YAY!

Venti: 😁

Yanfei: wait

Yanfei: WAIT

Sucrose: what’s happening?

Yanfei: Venti’s down

Yanfei: That machine came out of nowhere

Oz: I’m sorry Oz

Oz: Good faithful Oz

Oz: it’s my fault

Oz: because I am weak

Sucrose: What machine? Be more specific damn you!

Yanfei: like a ruin hunter but bigger. Flashing lightning

Yanfei: childe’s throwing torrent arrows at it

Yanfei: i have to go

Venti: I’m okay, I’m okay!

Venti: It took me by surprise, that’s all

Diona: but where’s Oz?

Venti: Y & C are fighting the machine

Venti: theres a lot of steam

Venti: remind me not to piss yanfei off

Oz: please dont come

Oz: I can't save you this time

Oz: so please

Venti: this thing is so tough!

Venti: so much electro coming off it

Bennett: have a bad feeling

Bennett: oz are you in a cage too?

Venti: the airship is trying to take off

Venti: oh no you don’t! Not while I’m around! 

Oz: my wings are not my own

Diona : what does that mean

Bennett: Venti venti oz is in there!!!!!

Bennett: in the thing

Albedo: From some of this data I suspect he’s correct

Albedo: Destroying it may also destroy Fischl

Bennett: stop!! Dont hurt him!

Yanfei: easy for you to say!

Yanfei: you don’t have a cannon pointed at you

Bennett: Oz we’re here to help

Oz: dont come

Oz: you’ll be hurt too

Diona: Childe’s here

Diona: you remember Childe, right?

Sucrose is typing …

Oz: childe? 

Sucrose: Yeah, that idiot

Sucrose : hell, he practically seems to like getting hurt

Sucrose: don’t deprive him okay?

Oz: the green targets

Oz: sword doesn’t count for archery

Oz: he needs to try again

Diona: darn right he does

Diona: you’re gonna make him practice til he gets it right

Bennett: everyone came for you

Bennett: just trust us and hold on a little longer, okay?

Venti: whatever you’re doing, keep it up

Venti: the machine is slowing

Bennett: thank Barbatos

Venti: thank you as well

Venti: Ugh. When did the Tsarita develop such powerful engines?

Venti: its hard to keep the turbines locked down

Kaeya: Oz the other prisoners are being rescued

Kaeya: you don’t have to fight

Oz: everyone is safe?

Oz: thank you thank

Oz: no

Oz: it always starts again

Kaeya: Not this time

Kaeya: We’re getting you out of there

Bennett: see, isn’t that great?

Bennett: and lady starblood is out. I have your copy and everything

Bennett: please come home

Yanfei: The machine is landing. Good work everybody!

Yanfei : Now to go retrieve our rara avis

Albedo: I would advise against it, given the strain on her mental state

Venti: Yanfei no!

Oz: 🕥

Oz: 🕚

Oz: 🕛

Oz: won’t be home in time for dinner daddy

Oz: i didn’t turn in my library books

Kaeya: fuckfuckfuck

Venti: this is bad

Venti: It sent Yanfei flying. I can’t check without releasing the airship

Sucrose: what is that idiot harbinger doing?!

Venti: he’s got his electro delusion up

Venti: right between Y and the charging canon

Venti: no! You can’t deflect it that way!

Guild_Master: oh archons no

Yanfei: snow?

Yanfei: ice!

Yanfei: is that a sister??

Venti: like a plunging eagle!

Venti: great timing, Rosaria!

Bennett: oh wow

Diona: what’s happening now?!

Venti: I’m not sure how, but she split the armor casing with her spear.

Venti: right down the middle

Sucrose: of course! Superconduction weakens the molecular bonds in most forms of metallic plating 

Venti: She’s hauling something out of it now. Looks like some kind of compartment?

Venti: handing it to Yanfei

Yanfei: Confirmed. We have Oz

Bennett: what about Fischl???

Albedo: we’re going to the fire tower

Venti: hurry

Venti: i’m getting tired

Yanfei: Venti, can you bring the ship any lower to the ground

Venti: I’ll try

Yanfei: Thanks. Childe and I will try do what we can

Sucrose: wait that bard is holding a whole airship?

Albedo: I’ll tell you all about it later

Yanfei: Oh no

Yanfei: Childe just burst into black armor and he’s huge

Yanfei : what in teyvat is that

Diona: what’s going on?

Diona: come on come on! 

Yanfei: it’s just a blur

Yanfei: streaking up into the airship

Yanfei: glass breaking. I think…

Bennett: oh no oh no

Yanfei: no, there it is again

Yanfei: It’s dropping down. 

Albedo: Hunter sending fire after the airship

Albedo: but it’s getting away

Bennett: With Fischl??

Yanfei: In Childe-monster’s arms, yes. She’s safe

Yanfei: I hope

Kaeya: Albedo. If Childe tries to hand you Fischl, be too busy

Kaeya: Make Hunter take her

Diona: Yeah! Hunter can take care of her just like he took care of Paisley!

Yanfei: ok that happened

Yanfei: Childe-monster shoved her at Hunter

Yanfei: Hunter had to release his weapon to take her

Yanfei: and now the real Childe has fallen over

Diona: wait where’s Venti?

Bennett: are they ok?!

Yanfei: Venti stumbled

Yanfei: helped him up

Sucrose: is he injured?

Yanfei: he says he’s fine

Yanfei: I have no idea why he’s not telling you himself

Yanfei: update: he says he’s too tired

Chenqiu: the ground level of the mine is a no-go zone

Chenqiu: we got the other victims to higher ground

Chenqiu: not too hurt on the outside but they’re not walking home

Yanfei: I don’t think this area will last much longer, either

Yanfei: Immediate evacuation is imperative 

Albedo: Childe stood up again. He’s yelling at some of the remaining Fatui

Albedo: They seem to work for him now.

Sucrose: Yes fine, delegation is fucking grand

Sucrose: Now get out of there!

Guild_Master: too quiet

Katheryne_01 is now online

Katheryne_01: My apologies for leaving in a crisis. Something blocked my ability to connect.

Guild_Master: we cn figure that out later

Guild_Master: after they report in

Katheryine_01: They will

Guild_Master: i knw that!

Guild_Master: im not worried

Rosaria is now online

Rosaria: thank barthotsis for that wind

Bennett: you’re out?!

Chongyun: Yes. Everyone in our party is accounted for

Chongyun: Chenqiu’s wrapping fischl up in a blanket now

Diona: how does she look?

Chongyun: I do not wish to cause you distress

Chongyun: but honestly? Not well

Rosaria: She looks bloody awful

Guild_Master: shit

Rosaria: that little twerp barbara will fix her up i’m sure

Chenqiu: Perhaps somebody from Bubu Pharmacy could come here?

Chenqiu: Albedo and I have done what we can for the victims but

Chenqiu: it’s a long walk back to Liyue Harbor

Yanfei: Offer what you need to, even if that Baizhu’s going to take me to the cleaners

Yanfei: Because lan?

Guild_Master: hwre it comes 

Yanfei: you’re not getting that bill paid, however much you threaten the Tsarita

Yanfei: By the time I am done with this lawsuit, there wouldn’t be enough mora left in Scheznaya’s treasury for a single shrimpball

Yanfei : I am going to sink them in punitive damages

Guild_Master: heh 

Guild_Master: going to pharmacy myself

Kaeya: That’s fine for the Liyue natives

Kaeya: But Fischl needs to come home

Kaeya: Her parents need to see she’s all right

Hunter is now online

Hunter: Don’t worry

Hunter: I’m not letting her out of my sight until we’re in Mondstadt

Yanfei: Thank you

Yanfei: Lan, I’ll let you handle how to split the commission out

Guild_Master: ya sure. Ill crunch numbers

Guild_Master: just don’t expect me to read anthing

Guild_Master: baizhu’s little dead girl is running to meet victims

Bennett: dead girl?!

Chenqiu: Oh that’s great, thanks lan! Qiqi’s a real help

Bennett: can we go back to ‘dead’?

Guild_Master replying to Bennett : its not like she can help it

Guild_Master: no why s the pest here

Guild_Master: shes seen me

Guild_Master: coming this way

Rosaria: lan what are you on about

Guild_Master: hlp

Guild_Master has gone offline

Bennett: hope shes ok

Chenqiu: I’m sure she’s fine. Hu Tao doesn’t actually bite

Bennett: rosaria did you really swoop in and save the day?

Rosaria: who do you think I am, the darknight hero?

Rosaria: I simply take care of wet work

Rosaria: That means making sure I’m where I need to be, when I need to be

Kaeya : Kinda curious how you knew where to be, Sister

Rosaria: treasure hoarders aren’t the only bandits out there

Rosaria: some of them deal in people as much as goods

Rosaria: that’s all I’ll say here

Albedo: I have good news

Albedo: Fischl recognized Childe

Albedo: Spoke in her usual way, even

Sucrose: so completely fucking impenetrable

Sucrose: never thought it would be a relief

Bennett: what about oz?

Albedo: Oz will recover in time, I’m sure

Albedo: Her Vision is still functional

Sucrose: Is she stable enough to tolerate the thaumaturgical pressure of waypoint travel?

Chenqiu: Qiqi is checking her notebook

Chenqiu: “no”

Venti: don’t worry your heads over it!

Venti: I’ll carry our princess home on the gentlest breeze. She’ll wake up safe and sound in her feather bed

Albedo: That might be best, although

Albedo: well that’s an experiment for another day

Bennett: what do you mean?

Rosaria: Bennett

Rosaria: Sometimes it really is best not to ask

Diona: Venti are you sure you’re ok?

Diona: Not that I care 

Diona: I just want to make sure you won’t drop Fischl

Venti: I’m fine! 

Venti: Nothing that a night in the fresh air won’t cure anyhow

Kaeya: and now Jean immediately asks for a postmortem on the rescue

Albedo: Ah yes

Albedo: Since I’m here, I think I’ll take the chance to make a few local observations on some phenomena I’ve been curious about

Kaeya: …

Kaeya: What phenomena

Albedo: I’ll be happy to explain later

Albedo: I do appreciate your assistance today, Captain

Albedo has gone offline

Kaeya: that son of a bitch

Hunter: heh

Hunter: jean needs her reports, kaeya

Kaeya: i hate you

Hunter: you made that bed

Yanfei: oh, will you be putting together a summary report?

Yanfei: Fantastic. I’d like three copies bound in bamboo weavecloth

Sucrose: hold the fuck on, Paper Retainer

Sucrose: since when do the Knights answer to you?

Yanfei: since I posted the commission and they took it up

Yanfei: my payment, therefore my terms. I believe you’ll find everything laid out clearly in the standard disclaimer I included

Sucrose: no that’s not

Sucrose : Kaeya’s our captain

Yanfei: he is also a member of the Adventurers’ Guild

Yanfei: the roster was very clear

Katheryne_01: The Guild charter implicitly allows members to hold affiliations with other organizations so long as there is no conflict of interest

Sucrose: Fuck that checks out

Sucrose: Looks like you’re on your own, captain

Sucrose has gone offline

Kaeya: Sucrose? 

Kaeya: Sucrose!

Kaeya: god damn it

Rosaria: thanks kaeya. Make sure you send one to barbara too

Rosaria: add my name to that copy

Rosaria: I’m going on smoke break

Rosaria has gone offline

Bennett: I’d offer to help, but id probably lose most of the pages

Bennett: I gotta talk to Fischls folks anway

Bennett: good luck!

Bennett has gone offline

Kaeya: I taught you everything Bennett!

Kaeya: so much for KoF loyalty

Hunter: told you so

Childe is now online

Childe: I see it’s somebody else’s turn 

Childe: finally

Childe: hang in there good buddy

Childe: it’ll be just like taking candy from kids 

Kaeya: hunter i changed my mind please kill him

Hunter: no

Hunter: this is too good

Kaeya: ouch

Childe: ...i feel so conflicted now

Chapter Text

Ad Astra Chat

Kaeya : actually, it turns out that report wasn’t so hard after all

Kaeya : most of it was just collecting what was posted here

Chenqiu : i’ve been thinking about that actually

Chenqiu : About how useful the gadget really is

Chenqiu : Would we have saved Fischl without it?

Rosaria : it would have been a massive headache trying to get her back from Snezhnaya

Rosaria : Wouldn’t have stopped Hunter because that man doesn’t know the meaning of overtime

Rosaria : but a headache still

Diona: That’s because Hunter’s the best!

Kaeya replying to Chenqiu : It would have been rough, for sure

Guild_Master : wtf you think we set this up for

Guild_Master : not to swap fking cigarettes

Bennett : I mean, it can be both

Bennett : hu tao made a good point

Chongyun : Nobody died though

Bennett : no not about the coffin discounts

Bennett : I mean about relaxing being part of guild business

Bennett : that’s part of why we realized something was up with Oz

Childe replying to Chongyun : Wrong!

Childe : i mean nobody made Dottore’s elite unit fight back its true

Childe : doesn’t make them any less dead though

Bennett : oh no

Bennett : I’m so sorry Mr. Harbinger

Childe : i figure they probably went out happy