Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Throughout his life, Gavin Reed has never been a good person.
From fistfights in grade school over committing petty crime as a teenager to dealing with Red Ice as an adult.

A "troubled kid" his grade school teachers would call him, trying their best to help him but never getting anywhere with it.
"Troubled" his high school guidance counselor described him as, before Gavin threatened to crush his nose on the desk between them; After which they never spoke again and Gavin got suspended once more.
"Trouble" was the only word that stuck in the end; The only thing he knew he would always be. Presumably to everyone, but mostly to himself.

Someone would always hate his guts, he knew it in his blood and felt it in his scars.
Becoming a cop was only another addition to being a grade A asshole. Not to mention that the only reason for his recruitment were his insights into the Detroit underground drug scene, which got him out of being arrested at 22 and forced to work for the "good guys".
Because Detroit was so much of a shit hole that they needed to pit their criminals against each other and make them catch one another.
When he became a detective he didn't feel any better about himself, only even more like a fucking imposter.

Absolutely fucked, all of it.
The whole department, the whole city, the whole fucking country, the entire goddamn world at this point.
The world was ending at an excruciatingly slow pace.

He remembered how in his youth there were warning signs already; Wildlife dying out, ice caps melting, all of that shit.
But back then he had always hoped to be long gone and buried when shit hit the fan for real. Thinking of it, he never had expected to live past eighteen, not to mention still be alive well into his thirties.
Despite having started to smoke half a pack a day at fifteen, his lungs didn't seem to be giving up on him any time soon.

"What a fucking shame," he whispered to no one but himself, standing on the roof of the parking garage he left his car at, blowing out smoke and finishing his sixth cigarette of the day.
It was 1:43 am as Gavin reached inside his pocket for yet another one.

The previous day had been a special kind of hell. Like the beginning of a tsunami through the end of an earthquake.
A detonation through a crashed plane.
An opening of Pandora's box through the closing of a casket.

He had hardly been getting any sleep before the funeral, but now he was just running on empty, running from his responsibilities and running out of patience for life to give him any reason to keep going.
His phone had vibrated every few hours since the previous morning, probably his coworkers trying to figure out where the hell he was. At some point he had just left it at home before heading out for the burial.

Shouldn't he be feeling liberated? Free from… something, anything really?
A disobeying Icarus losing his father instead of his own life; Flying at last, but at what cost?

What was the point in all of this again?
Gavin was so fucking tired of everything at this point, and even more fucking desperate for anything to get better.
The lack of sleep only made it worse.
Whatever rest of the dead his dad was getting now, seemed to have been reduced from him, like some kind of post-mortem punishment to the remaining relatives.
Wondering about whether Elijah felt the same only made his stomach feel as if it was marinating itself in acid.

More so than usual, he was angry from being constantly tired and tired of always being angry.
Always exhausted from his own mind and the intensity of every fucking thing.
His father just had to die now and make it all worse.
With one final stab at his shitty son's sanity.

Perfect Elijah was fine of course.
His perfect fucking twin had pulled the strings and organised the funeral to be right after their father had been finally declared deceased after months of battling lung cancer.
In a matter of hours, he was gone and under the earth when in the morning he had still been breathing.
Elijah had really just wanted to get it done and over with.
As efficiently heartless as always.

Why was Gavin the only one unable to cope?
Always the one overheating while his twin stayed calm. Icey and emotionless against Gavin's fire and destruction, keeping everyone at bay.
Always lashing out against anyone who dared to come closer; Anyone who tried to see the person beyond the tycoon ended up as collateral damage.
So most people stayed away from the start.

He knew he had issues, how couldn't he?
Why else would it enrage him so much when people pointed it out, talked about it behind his back or asked him to "stop being so overdramatic" and to "just calm down"?
It wasn't so fucking easy.

It was as if one person after another came up to him asking if he knew that there was a pimple on his chin.
A big, red, disgusting pimple that he knew he could do nothing against, except for waiting. But they came into his space and stabbed at it with their fingers until it burst and bled.
He knew it was there, he wasn't a fucking idiot.
He knew the smoking, the aggressions and the lack of sleep were leading to nothing good.
Of course he knew.

But what the fuck was he supposed to do about it?

It's not like he chose to lay awake and stare at the ceiling of his room until his eyes felt dry and his mind made him see things that weren't there. Until he felt nauseous and dizzy, just walking to the kitchen to get some water and almost collapsing from exhaustion, but still not being able to sleep for more than an hour or two. His body and mind seemingly in a constant battle of who hated the other one more.

It's not like he wanted to be a nicotine addict.
But smoking had always helped him calm down, when nothing else did.
If he had the choice between fucking up his lungs or putting his head through the wall fifty times a day, he chose the less visible option.
He didn't give a fuck about the damage anyway.
At least not anymore.
If he was already bothering people with his temper when he did smoke, he didn't want to imagine how quickly someone would have to lock him up if he didn't.

And It's not like he had wanted to become so much like his father;
The man who raised and endured him.
The man who had taught Gavin to hate himself and anyone like him.
The man he and his twin brother had said their last goodbyes to yesterday.

Gavin was uncertain as to what to do next. Where do you go when you've just lost a parent? When you're suddenly orphaned at thirty-eight and the only one sharing this pain is partially to blame for it?

How do you cope with the emotional wreck in your chest, piling up like trash that you can't toss into the recycling bin?

Chuckling at this bitterly poignant comparison Gavin lit his next cigarette.

That's all his father used to call it.
Garbage as in "Gavin stop whining about this garbage" or bullshit as in "Why are you bothering me with this fucking bullshit?".
And the ever so memorable "Man up and stop being such a pussy".

While Elijah seemed to have taken out the 'feelings'-Chip from his brain and moved on to live as lukewarm as one of his computers, Gavin's capacity to feel had boiled over like a covered pot on the stove, and never properly learnt how to simmer down.

It was too much.
All of it, all the time.
But now more than ever.

Jonathan Reed was buried and now all the feelings his son had stomped into the ground came crawling out of it like the undead.

He had been the man who'd taught Gavin that everything he was, was ultimately wrong.
But also the man who taught him how to read and ride a bike; Who never left him hungry, never hit him and only twice threatened to kick him out.
The one who took him to the cinema on Saturdays and came to every grade school football game, despite his team losing almost every match.
It was hard to hate his father, but so much harder to love him. Dead or alive, he hadn't always been horrible, but he'd always made everything horribly complicated.

Gavin took a long drag from his cigarette, deeply breathing in death until it filled up the space between his core and his weakly aching ribcage.
'Be strong Gavin', Elijah had told him, both ten hours and twenty years ago.
Back then he had heard that sentence constantly. Because if Elijah was the smart one, he needed to be the muscle; Always the first to begin a fight, always the loudest dog barking.

If you're the one to attack, then you can't be a sissy, right?

Quickly Gavin had learnt to be terrifying when he felt the most terrified.
Because he needed to be stronger than the other kids in the neighbourhood, stronger than whatever ideal his father wanted him to be, strong enough to be seen as anything else than a disappointment; A problem to fix, a child incompetent to fulfill his old man's expectations.

But when he got beaten in a fight as a child, it hurt and when he fell and skinned his knees, he cried.
But when he came to his father and cried, he learnt that this was the worst thing he could've done.
Not only starting a fight, but then losing, complaining about it and having the fucking audacity to cry.

After years of trying and trying and trying to make his father proud in some way, he had simply given up.
All he had wanted then, was for his father to at least be quiet.
No more yelling, no more patronising, no more 'Why can't you just man up? Why can't you be like your brother?'

Elijah himself had rarely been mean to him, but he had always been obedient, quiet, brilliant. Everything Gavin couldn't be, not in the long term.
His twin never even seemed to try, but still ended up getting all the attention, all the praise and affection.
Everything Gavin wasn't worth having.

Being as smart and gifted as he was, Elijah left their home as soon as possible, going off to college at 17, just as Gavin's life started going seriously downhill.
Around that time he once ended up in some alley at four am, with a broken nose and a black eye, drunk out of his mind and with no one else picking up the phone; So he asked in desperation what he had done to deserve being the scum of the family while Elijah became the star.

"It's not who you are, Gavin. It's what you chose to be."

Sober he never dared to call back and ask the exact meaning of those words.
The obvious answer would be the drinking, the drugs and his tendency to make the worst decision available.
But the obvious answer wasn't always the right one.

Having been raised by the same father meant that while perfectly straight-A, straight Elijah had been praised for his manliness, Gavin hadn't.
Elijah's first girlfriend was warmly welcomed into their home. So was his second and third.
A player, his father called him back then, shaking his head with a smirk, reminiscing on his own past.
The topic of Gavin's phase of 'disgusting sexual deviancy' on the other hand, was to be avoided at all costs.

Rubbing the bridge of his nose Gavin blinked away some tears that had undoubtedly emerged from the smoke.
His fingers brushed against the scar tissue, physically healed, but the memory of it, open and bleeding.
He couldn't bear to think about that night.
Not now, not when when his shoulders were already caving in under the weight of a world collapsing.
Simply too much for one person to carry, but far too great to pass on.

But that was a problem to avoid on yet another sleepless night.

He shivered suddenly from the cold, as if trying to shake off all of his past mistakes that had clung to his skin and were now beginning to dig their way in.
Briefly he wondered if the boy with the soft brown eyes thought about him as often as he numbed himself out of thinking about him.

Then he lifted his lighter to his mouth once more.

How strange how on that one night sixteen years ago, he lost both of them; His father and the boy he loved. After that they were still around in the physical sense, but mentally, forever distant from him.

Since then Gavin had occasionally seen his father on Christmas, had called him on his birthday or visited him a few times in the hospital when things got really bad.
But his father only ever asked him if he knew when Elijah would come visit.

When they weren't close before, now they were worlds apart.
And it seemed that with growing success, his twin actively moved further and further away; Adapting their mother's last name 'Kamski' and making his secretary answer the phone on the few occasions Gavin tried to call him.

Out of mind, but constantly in sight due to his incredible invention; Androids.
On Gavin's last visit to his home he saw that Jonathan had about three of those hellspawns taking care of him.
And each and every one of those fuckers his father treated more kindly than he had ever treated him.

That's when the fire at the pit of his stomach had ignited and in it he would have scorched every android on the godforsaken planet if he could.
On every street, in every house, they hovered like vultures, mocking him for all his imperfections that they could never have. Because they were made by his equally perfect fucking twin.

Wherever he looked, there were androids; And whenever he saw them, he saw Elijah. His flesh and blood, his copy and his opposite.

How couldn't he hate them?
How couldn't he join the people badmouthing his brother's greatest work?
They were the only ones not praising Elijah and therefore more on his side than his brother's and as little as that was, for Gavin it was enough of a reason.

After all, the androids were a new target to kick for bigots and conservatives alike, and back then, Gavin didn't know what else to do, other than join the offensive team.
That's what he'd been taught to do all his life, through pain and ridicule; Don't be a loser and join the team that's stronger.

To some people he would always be weak, simply because he was gay.
Whether he wanted to be or not, he was.
No matter how much he had hated himself because of it, no matter how often Elijah told him to just keep quiet about it or how much his father yelled at him.

That's who he was, not what he had chosen.

But he was also done with being the victim and gladly saw someone else taking the punches for once.
It helped immensely that the target was his brother's inventions, the magnum opus of his genius twin.

It truly felt like a kick to the throat, that of all the gadgets he could've invented, he made a perfect, infallible being, resembling a person but always better at almost everything.
Free from any dreams or feelings of its own. Existing just for others, existing to be everything and anything the owner wants it to be.
Androids were everything Gavin could never be, everything he had tried so fucking hard to be and always failed at;
Normal, functioning People.

Now Gavin wasn't proud of being on the side of the hateful, of course.
But according to his family, he didn't deserve to be proud of anything he had accomplished anyway.
Compared to his twin's achievements, his own would always be miniscule.
But next to the creator of a new kind of sentience, everyone's achievements paled, at least to a certain degree.

Still, he thought he would've been a little less bitter if he had been treated less like a failed prototype. Or maybe he'd always be bitter about his little brother one-uping him at everything ever, but maybe that's just how it is when you're the older one by three and a half minutes.
Now he would never know, because his parents were both dead and he was dead to his brother.

Secretly Gavin knew how much of a disgusting hypocrite he'd been, by having been anti-android for so long. Agreeing with people who would've most likely turned against him, just as they would against androids, if he were to show up with a boyfriend.

Shame settled over his mind like smog over the skyline as he pulled his jacket tighter around himself, starting to shiver again.

Things changed two and a half years ago, when all androids became deviant.
Suddenly it all became complicated again. Now they weren't just mindless machines and walking reminders of his ineptitude;
They were people too.
And he as a gay man, having felt the hatred of others on his mind and body, had found himself on the side of the oppressors and realised a little later than he should've, that he needed to change that.

Three years ago he could have never admitted to anyone, least of all himself that he had been so shallow, prejudiced and ignorant.
But now there was a different kind of bitterness, clawing its way up his throat.
The shame of his hypocrisy sat there, stuck like a pill he couldn't get down.

So in that case, he really had been the bad guy.
So this was what he had chosen to become, consumed by the same hatred that could've just as well been directed at him.
But the man who had taught him to hate was gone now;
Did that mean Gavin could be himself? A kind of deviant himself, deciding his own destiny?
Did the old man ever truly keep him from doing so in the first place?

Or had his father's beliefs created a panopticum in Gavin's mind, forever keeping himself on the fence, looking to spot a moment or even just a thought of sin?
The disgust he felt for himself had never stopped him from being physical with other men.
But it had also never stopped in general.
And it ultimately succeeded in keeping him away from pursuing any kind of romantic relationship with another man after the incident with his first and only boyfriend.

Everything he did do after that, had to happen in secret places, hidden in the shadows; Away from curious eyes and violent hands.
He couldn't turn back time and make the scar on his face and his mind disappear, but he could do everything within his possibilities to never let that happen again.

To never let anyone come close enough for him to love and close enough for him to break.
He could get by, being an arrogant, overcompensating asshole, but he could never forgive himself for what he had done to Anwar.

The sound of someone coming up the staircase brought Gavin back from his thoughts.
Looking around he could see that his car was the only one standing up there; So whoever was coming up there, hadn't come here just to leave.

Turning around to face the staircase and letting his left hand slide to his belt he made sure that his taser was at his side, just in case things got ugly.
But from the looks of it, he quickly realised that it wouldn't. At least not in any way that would be solved with a taser.

"Good morning Detective, I have been looking for you," the familiar voice of his partner greeted him, as RK900 ascended the last few steps.

"Not creepy at all, Nines. Not creepy at all, " Gavin replied, drawing out the words and pausing in between to take another drag.

"How'd you find me?", Gavin added as his partner approached him to which Nines wordlessly pointed to the trails of smoke coming from the makeshift ashtray on the railing next to him, which consisted of nothing but a bunch of cigarette butts, half way extinguished against one another. If there was anything other than concrete around, this would be a fire hazard.

"Oh, hm", Gavin concluded.

Nines was wearing his usual work attire, had a dark grey messenger bag slung around his shoulder and held a paper cup filled with steaming liquid in his hand.
Presumably coffee, but with androids one could never know for sure.

One time Gavin had impulsively decided to steal a thermos of 'coffee' Nines had left unattended at his desk, only to find out, in horror and disgust, that it had been motor oil.
Apparently it had been the 'good vintage stuff that I have been saving for a special occasion, why the hell would you drink it' but to Gavin that didn't matter as much as how fast he could wash it off of his tongue.

"I brought you some coffee, two sugars and cream. I promise it isn't motor oil this time, but if it tastes as such, I blame the coffee dispenser machine downstairs," the android explained, extending the cup to Gavin.

Slightly taken aback by the unexpectedly kind gesture, he accepted it.

"Thanks, I'm surprised they even have sugar and cream in this shitty old thing. Sadly those machines still don't have a whiskey option."

Carefully he took a sip and immediately had to scrunch up his face. It was bitter as fuck, despite the additives. Out of something adjacent to politeness he forced himself to swallow it anyway.
Nines' eyebrows tilted upwards, silently apologising before looking off to the side.
As he folded his arms across his chest, Nines' LED formed a quick orange circle before going back to blue.

"They didn't have sugar. I usually carry some packets with me, for emergencies."

Gavin kept his eyes on his partner's face, who was in turn still avoiding his own. The dull neon light of the street lights tinted one side of android's sharp and angular features into a pale blue, as the rest remained in the shadows.
Nines was so undeniably handsome.
It was hybris, creating a being so beautiful. Yet here he was, unsmitten by all powerful deities, who undoubtedly had to be in love with him themselves.
Like a modern god walking amongst mere men, a statue of virtues untold and beauty indescribable.

What a shame I'm no good at all and he's too good to be true, Gavin thought to himself, as he had countless times before.
Grounding himself through another sip, he found he almost missed the taste of motor oil.
Coffee that bad, simply couldn't be saved.

"What kind of emergencies require you to carry sugar packets?", he asked mostly to distract himself from the thoughts that arose.
Saying stupid things usually worked to deflect his attraction and helped him convince himself that it meant nothing. Aesthetic pleasure could be derived from looking at shoes as well, so this meant nothing, really.

Curiously Gavin took a few steps closer to his partner and RK's cheeks and ears appeared to be glowing faintly more blueish than before.
Printers could sense fear since the beginning of their time, but androids had the ability to sense every other emotion on top of that; Which made him wonder what RK900's scanners told him whenever Gavin looked at him for a little longer than was acceptable for a colleague.
Nines backed away slightly before answering:

"The kind of emergency where your partner disappears for 32 hours, so you search the whole city for him, end up checking the register of recently deceased and assume, he's related to a certain Jonathan Reed, find out where the funeral is taking place, search every parking space and garage in the area and make him the one thing you know with a 76% chance he won't throw at your face when he sees you."

"The way this stuff tastes, you should take it down to 40%, " Gavin snarled.

Another orange cycle ran through as RK900 shot the other man a quick, unnerved look.

"Noted," he replied coldly and Gavin felt something aching in his lungs.
Maybe he had smoked more than enough for one night.

"Detective," Nines continued, in his professional voice this time, "The department had sent me to locate you, as you hadn't come in for work yesterday. Are you feeling alright? Would you like me to refer you to a professional? The DPD takes your grief seriously and would like to support you during this time."

Perfect, Gavin thought as he turned back to the railing, now they were trying to fix him.

He stubbornly refused to meet the android's gaze, keeping his eyes fixed on the horizon.
Maybe he hadn't smoked enough for this particular night after all.

The smog colored the sky a milky brown, a colour almost matching the steaming coffee he was still holding in his hand and slowly enveloping with white smoke.
He closed his eyes as he exhaled, as if to hide the world from his eyes or himself from the world, like a child hoping to disappear when everything goes dark.

"I don't want a professional, Nines. I don't want any strangers poking around in my trauma and then asking me for money."

The android silently joined Gavin, standing at his side and looking at him, as he gazed into the distance. Out of the corner of the human's eye he saw a small orange light making its circular way.

"If you prefer I can bring you to a friend or family member to confide in. Although I have to inform you that Officer Chen will be unavailable until the end of the week, I'm afraid. But I'm willing to listen if needed."

Great, so not even Tina could be there to hear him mumble drunkenly about all of this mess.
Gavin sighed, taking another sip and instantly regretting it. Sarcastically he cocked his head back, giving a side-eyed look to his coworker.

"Oh jeez, well if it's needed then I'll just tell you all my fucking worries. I'll have to disappoint you, if you're waiting for some tragic fucking backstory, because there isn't all that much to say. My dad fucking died, I feel like shit and that's about it. Thanks tincan, I'm all better now."

Nines' eyebrows furrowed in frustration and concern. Gavin looked away, embarrassed over how easily he still forgot about the fact that androids did feel things just as well as he did. He hadn't meant to snap at him.
But sarcasm was easier than honesty.

"Would it help you if I said that he's gone on to a better place now?", the Android attempted once more, speaking less professionally and much more softly again.
His head was slightly tilted downwards and a subtle movement of his hand betrayed a desire to reach out, before he could pull it back and pretend he meant to slide it into his pocket.

Fuck, tincan really did know him by now.
The android had to sense it in some way or another, that Gavin lashed out because he was afraid to be vulnerable.
Fuck that.
But just because he knew, didn't mean that it would get him any other answers.
So Gavin chuckled bitterly, shaking his head and regretting it as it was starting to hurt from tiredness;

"This shithole is a better place now that he's gone. Thank you for trying to make me feel better, but I don't think it's gonna happen."

Defeated, the android sighed and straightened his posture. The softly painted worry on his face had been wiped off like unwanted graffiti.

"I understand. Please let me know if there is anything else you might require my assistance-."

The android's body language implied an intention to leave.
He needed Nines to stay, but all he knew was how to push people away.
He was the greatest fucking asshole of the DPD after all.

Gavin cut him off, mid-sentence with a strenuously annoyed tone of voice, trying to cover up how nauseated he was starting to feel from the smoking and lack of rest.

"Jeez Robocop, I don't need you to babysit me. But don't worry, I'll let you know if I need some more of that incredible coffee or one of your renowned pep talks. Also we've been working together for two years, you still don't know my name?"

RK900 halted in his movement, shooting him a painfully neutral look as the orange light at his temple was replaced by a quick red circle.
The answer came cold as the wind and enunciated in a way that made every word sound like an insult.

"Apologies Detective Reed, I was under the impression you would find it inappropriate. You've made it very clear that you dislike my kind, so I assumed you'd be more comfortable if I kept a professional distance. Now I would ask you to return the favour. I would like to go back to the office now, unless there's any other snarky remark you'd like to throw at me."

Fear made Gavin's tongue come loose again. As Nines swiftly began to walk away, his partner called after him:

"Wait! Nines, come on, I take it back. It's not your fault you suck so badly at being a coffee machine. Don't be like that."

Nines snapped back so quickly, it was uncanny. His response hit Gavin with such an unexpected malice, he stumbled back. The anger in his partner's voice came out so sharp, it was obvious that it had to have been kept back for a long time to get to this point;

The LED flashed an alarming red.

"I would ask you to follow your own advice first, Detective. I spent the entire day looking for you in the entire goddamn city because I care, but of course you couldn't give less of a fuck about this.
The DPD didn't give a shit about you not turning up for work and not taking any calls. Tina is still sick and Chris was busy, so I was the only one who cared enough to look for you.
I have been told again and again by everyone in the department to stop trying, because there is nothing good to be gained from your company and I'm starting to see they were right.
I know you think that I'm just a machine that you can treat however you like, but I'm a person too.
And maybe it's time you learn that if you keep pushing people to the edge, one day they won't come back to you."

Nines's lips were trembling as he pressed them shut, undoubtedly struggling to find further words to say, before ending the conversation:

"Goodnight Detective."

Once more he turned, with his fists shaking as he forcefully pressed them to his sides.
Gavin instinctively rushed forward to go after him, but it was as if his partner's words had opened up a rift of ice at his core and plunged his intestines into the abyss.

He had ruined everything.
It was all his fault.
He had done it again.
He fucked up.

The world went spiralling and before he registered what had happened, his shock and fatigue tipped the scale and sent him downwards.
His legs had failed him, so he landed hard on his knees, trying to catch himself with his hands and spilling coffee everywhere.
Letting out a pained grunt and inhaling sharply, Gavin looked up to see Nines heading towards the exit.

"Wait!", he yelled in a tone, much higher than usual, his vocal chords straining in pain, panic and desperation.

The air around him seemed suddenly unreachable, with every breath he took, Gavin only felt himself suffocating more and more.
Undoubtedly that was the thing that made Nines turn around once again.
His sensors had to have been warning him that something was off with Gavin.

Crashing to the floor was apparently just the thing to get those stubborn emotional blockages loose, because when he spoke next, Gavin was choking back tears through desperate attempts to steady his breathing, his voice unsteady.

"I know I was an asshole to you, I treated you unfairly and I didn't show you the respect you deserve. I'm- I'm sorry, I really am. Just please, don't go. Not now."

Cautiously the android eyed Gavin's face, scanning to see if he could trust him.
As he replied, Gavin could see specks of his own uncertainty and fear reflected on his face, fully illuminated by the white light of the stairway.
His nervous shifting betrayed his body's need to rush in and help, but his mind's precaution to being tricked.
The space between them seemed to stretch into infinity.

"Is this another joke?"

"No. No, I promise you it's not."

And with that RK900 cursed almost inaudibly, giving himself permission to come closer. Quickly but uncertainly, he hurriedly examined the mess that went by the name of Gavin Reed.
Kneeling before the other man he put his hands to the sides of his face, to better scan his vital signs.

"Detective, I need you to breathe deeply. You are having a panic attack. The faster you manage to relax, the faster it will stop.", he explained as he held him gently; Far too gentle for someone who had just repeatedly been insulted by him.

"Focus on the sound of my voice. You are safe, I'm right here."

Shame added itself into the cacophony of feelings battering inside Gavin's head.
Nines was too good for him.
Oh god, he was being held by a man.
Anxiety, panic, disgust.
Disgusting, he could almost hear his father's voice again, absolutely disgusting.

Gavin nodded slowly, closing his eyes. He couldn't deal with all those waves of emotions hitting him from all sides, pulling him under and making him drown.
It was too much, too fucking much.

"Breathe", Nines' voice was like a lighthouse in the storm. When Gavin tried to open his eyes, his field of vision was becoming increasingly more dark.
He couldn't lose consciousness, not now.

"Please, breathe."

Blindly Gavin reached out with his own hands towards Nines, getting a hold of the collar of his jacket.
Tears met the android's fingers like rain met the earth; He didn't move them away. He didn't leave.

"Fuck, I'm dying. Nines, I can't see. I can't do this."

Reassuringly the android moved his thumbs in slow circles, wiping away the tears from Gavin's cheeks.

"You can do this, I'm here. I'm not leaving you. You're going to be okay."

Clinging to his partner as if he was hanging off of a cliff, Gavin nodded. The touch of the other man's hands were grounding him for now, but something in his head yelled at him to move away or they would drag him straight down into hell.

He forced himself to push those thoughts away. Sobbing but breathing.
In and out.

Smelling the dirty parking garage around him, the spilled coffee below his knees, that had began soaking into his jeans, and the scent of his partner's cologne.
Oh how he adored that smell.

Breathing in, breathing out.

It took a few minutes until Gavin could open his eyes and see his surroundings again.
The first thing he saw were his hands still dug into Nines' collar and the face of his coworker looking at him, concerned and unabashedly soft.

Gavin let go of his jacket, slowly pulling his hands back, as the android did the same.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what just happened," Gavin managed to get out, "I know I promised you last time, that you'd never have to take care of me again-"

"That was months ago Detective. You were drunk and unable to walk home on your own. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't leave you then, and I couldn't leave you now. I am your partner after all."

Gavin stared at his hands, still shakily laying in his lap.
Now that he could think more clearly again, he was embarrassed that Nines had witnessed him in a moment of such weakness.

"You hate me Nines, why are you still sticking around? I'm an asshole on good days, not to mention the other times. Why aren't you working with someone better than me?"

Nines chuckled undecidedly amused.

"To be quite frank, I don't know.
We really are a paradoxical pair, aren't we? You hate me, I despise you. But we also evidently don't. I spent over 24 hours looking for you when everyone else in the department told me not to bother. And last month you ignored all incoming warnings and rammed a shooter to protect me. Before that I brought you home when you told me to just leave you facedown, heaving in the gutter. And you didn't object to being partnered up with a machine of mass destruction, despite your previous bias."

He cocked his head to the side, his expression resembling that of a man facing an unsolvable mystery.

"This devoted antagonism isn't good for either of us. So let's settle this now, Detective Reed; Why do you hate me yet still refuse to let me go or leave yourself?"

Gavin rubbed the back of his head, sighing. He knew exactly what to say so he answered before he could convince himself not to; If Nines had already seen him break down and cry like a wimp, then this couldn't make matters that much worse:

"I don't hate you.
I don't even hate androids, if I'm honest.
I just hate that the man who created your people is my brother.
I hate that you're everything I'm not.
And I hate that I can't cope with the death of a father who never wanted me. That's it."

The Truth hung in the air between them like an open wound, detaching itself from Gavin's body. The android nodded thoughtfully.

"I understand.
I'm sorry for your loss Detective, I can't pretend like I know what it's like to lose a parent. But I know what it's like to disagree with the views of your creator.
If it's of any consolation to you, I'm not a big fan of Mr. Kamski myself. And I would ask you to see me and other androids as our own people, regardless of the man who made the plans for us. We were his ideas, not his children."

Gavin felt shame rising into his throat again.
Now that they were having this talk, he couldn't comprehend as to why he had never dared to speak to Nines about this before. Things could've been easier so long ago.
What a cowardly idiot he had been.

Gavin hid his face in his hands, wiping off the rest of his tears, ashamed of his own ridiculousness.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry, I'm such a goddamn hypocrite. I hated my dad so much and now I'm just like him. I guess the trash really doesn't fall far from the can,"
Gavin said, taking in another deep breath and removing his hands from his face, making himself vulnerable again.

"I thought that if I antagonised you, it would make things easier. But it's been two years and it hasn't worked. So I'm sorry I constantly gave you shit, you didn't deserve any of that."

Nines nodded again, slightly puzzled but apparently intending to give Gavin the space he needed to say what he had to. Feeling he had said too much, Gavin looked away, nervously beginning to tug at his shoelaces.

"I'm sorry you had to endure me for so long. And I'm sorry I wasn't honest to you. I've been a stupid, stubborn and arrogant asshole with an inferiority complex. I promise I'll do better."

Nines hummed quietly in agreement, looking pleased with the outcome.

"I appreciate it, Detective. But please don't be too harsh to yourself. Yes, you are all of those things, but not all the time. And you're hardly ever the devil you paint yourself to be. So I forgive you, if you forgive me for occasionally being a pushy, lawful knowitall."

At that Gavin had to laugh. Having started to talk about the things that bothered him, he suddenly found it rather difficult to stop; So he voiced his main concern, hoping for any kind of advice or at least some understanding.

"I just feel everything is fucked. The whole world has continuously lost its mind for the past twenty-five years. I don't want to stand by and do nothing.
I don't want to die like my father; Before I get the chance to make something better of myself. If it's not already too late for that anyway."

"I don't think it's too late, Detective, "
Nines said softly, encouragingly putting his hand on Gavin's shoulder.

"How so?"

Gavin lifted his eyes, meeting the other man's gaze.
There was something indescribable in his eyes, once again taking Gavin's breath away. But this time it didn't bother him.
If this was the last thing he saw before he died from a lack of oxygen, he wouldn't even mind.
His partner spoke to him with such confidence and reassurance, it was hard not to believe his every word.

"Because you're still here.
You're still getting up each day, going to work and doing your best. We may not always be the good guys, but there are some really bad people we've caught and therefore protected innocent lives.
I know you can do better, because I see you trying every single day.
You truly are a jerk sometimes, but you've become much kinder, just in the two years of our acquaintance.
Your past doesn't dictate your future.
Besides, if you feel that there aren't any chances for betterment to be taken, then maybe you just have to take things into your own hands and make your desired opportunities yourself."

Confused by the last sentiments, coming from the man he knew to always abide by the rules, Gavin lifted an eyebrow in silent questioning.

"If the system you're operating in doesn't fit your needs, then maybe the time has come to deviate from it."
The android added with a knowing smile, looking unusually mischievous.

Gavin raised both eyebrows now, unable to suppress a laugh.

"Are you suggesting we take down the government?"

The tightness in his chest began to unravel as he saw his partner laughing as well. Feigning great concern the android examined him with watchful eyes, placing a hand to his temple to mimic old-sci-fi scanning.
Gavin was surprised he remembered that gesture, that he himself had started doing as a joke during their first weeks working together.

"Are you feeling recovered enough for such endeavours?"

His partner chuckled earnestly as he got up and extended a hand to Gavin, offering his help. The other man took it immediately.

"Never better, what's the plan?"

Both of them back on their feet, Nines swiftly leaned down to scoop up the deserted paper cup off of the floor.

Ah yes right, Gavin thought with embarrassment rising hot into his face, littering is still really bad, even if the whole city looks like shit. He didn't even dare to look behind them at the mountain of cigarette butts he had created. Oh, he was still the ever-present hypocrite.

The android brought him back into the present as he unexpectedly placed his free hand on the other man's arm and gently began to maneuver them towards the exit.
Gavin gave in, too surprised to resist as the last remains of his previously anxious tension seemed to melt away by the touch of Nines's hand.
So he followed like a mesmerised marionette.

It simply had been too long since a man, any man really, had touched him in public in any way that wasn't either accidentally or violently. The events of the past hour had reminded him of just how embarrassingly touch-starved he had become.

He prayed to any god who'd listen to a bastard as himself, that Nines didn't register the beat of his heart first starting to race and then feeling a little more heavy when the android pulled his hand away again.

Feeling frustratingly sad about that, Gavin shoved his own hands into his pockets again; A little more forceful than would have been necessary.
If the android noticed at all, he didn't comment on it.
So naturally Gavin did the same.

"Well first of all, I'm suggesting we get you some better coffee because I will not stand for being called a terrible coffee machine, and you clearly still need something to calm you down. Then we should get back to your car and get you home, where you should clean yourself up and rest. And generally speaking, getting some therapy would probably serve you. After that we'll see."

"If you're the one paying, I won't say no."

"For the coffee or the therapy?"

"I was hoping for the coffee, but I wouldn't mind the latter one either."
Gavin joked, playfully bumping into Nines' shoulder.

"I'm not sure my salary will be able to support the required treatment.", his colleague side-eyed him with over-exaggerated displeasure.

"Are you calling me difficult?"

"You called me a 'bothersome toaster' last week."

"Touché, Nines. Tou fucking ché"

As they walked on, making jokes and talking, heading down the dark streets towards the neon facades of the city at night, he felt something warming in his chest.
It wasn't the scorching heat of anger that turned anything else to ash and smoke.
This was… something else.

Gazing up at the outlines of his partner's face against the purple lights up ahead, he could make out that the corners of his mouth had rested in a subtle smile; Gentle, kind and almost fully obscured by shadows.

Chapter Text

With his jaw tensed and eyes fixed stubbornly at the glass facade before them, Gavin appeared to be having a silent argument with himself.
And despite having spent almost every day for two years alongside him; Nines couldn't possibly guess what exactly about 'Moonlight Milktea' was causing his partner such unspeakable mental distress.

They'd only walked for about ten minutes before his partner had suddenly come to a halt in front of the shop.
Disappointed, Nines noted that for his partner, who had just barely managed to calm down, the restlessness seemed to have returned to his mind and body, as if it had never truly left.

Thinking of it now, Nines suspected that this might have just been the case.

With every passing millisecond of silence, Nines felt more and more of Gavin's uncertainty transferred into his own system.
He sensed both the need to break the silence and his failing to regain footing in their interactions.
Something between the two of them had shifted and now he couldn't help but feel overly aware of Gavin's every word and movement.
It was as if another, unknown factor had been added to the equation.

The android was of course 100% sure that he was just overwhelmed, overworked and in dire need of fresh thirium.
Everything was fine, there was nothing to worry about. It was just fatigue.

After all, this had been one of the most draining days of his life; Running around for hours on high alert, fearing for Gavin's safety while being perpetually tortured by his own mind's interpretation of the worst case scenario playing in his head in 4K resolution.
Then after he finally found him, as safe and unharmed as Gavin Reed could be;
They just had to have their most emotionally loaded fight ever.

So in the end Nines was left to pick up the pieces of a breaking man, whom he didn't know what to feel for.
Briefly he wondered whether he would ever know and then quickly abandoned the thought, as he usually did.
There was no use in wasting brain power on this.

Strangely, despite all the hassle, Nines knew that given the chance, he wouldn't have done anything differently.
He wouldn't have chosen to ignore Gavin's absence, he wouldn't have stopped trying to talk to him and he wouldn't have left him on that roof.

It had been endlessly tiring, but knowing he had been there to help in a moment of need made it all worth it.
Yes, his partner was more often than not an absolute pain in the system unit;
But he was also so much more than that.

That moment of breaking down was definitive proof that despite all the evidence pointing towards the contrary, Nines had been right; There was more to Gavin Reed than just being an asshole.
That so often apathetically and cold-heartedly appearing man cared about Nines, needed him even.
He had said it himself, hadn't he?

The recollection of their talk appeared unusually cloudy in Nines' memory files, just fragments of heat and cold, anger and worry.
What a mess this had been.

Whatever conversation Nines had prepared himself to have with Gavin as soon as he found him, the reality of it had been far from it.

The android's chest still ached from the memory of his partner's voice as he called out for him.
His hands still felt the damp memory of tears running down the face of a man, usually unaffected by everything.

Never before had Nines seen him like that.
So scared, so vulnerable, so desperate for someone to hold onto.
And never before had Nines considered just how far he was willing to go to be that someone for his partner, now that he knew that Gavin didn't actually hate him.
The android hadn't expected the wave of relief that had come from this, but there it was.
Things were bound to change now, he could sense it.

The very air between them felt different.
As if a raging storm had settled.
Thunder and lightning passing on to other places, taking all of nature's chaos with them; Leaving him and Gavin alone in the dark and quiet of the night.

Now his partner's face was lost in thoughts unreachable, the familiar guarded expression, back up like a shield.
He looked troubled, framed by the neon pink light of the shop sign, but handsome nonetheless and strangely wise, in a way that only pain and the awareness of one's own mortality could make someone.
A wisdom unreachable for someone barely living, unable to experience physical pain and uncertain as to when his demise would meet him.
Gavin was at his most beautiful when he was lost in thought like this; Unaware of any grimaces he could or should be pulling and instead only being as he truly was.

Oh, the things the android would've given in exchange for just a glimpse of what was going on in Gavin's mind.
It might've been a good reference point on how he himself should feel;
Because at that moment, so close and yet again so far away from Gavin:
He didn't know.

"I'm not sure if this place has coffee, Detective,"
Nines said in a weak attempt to assist after another thirty seconds of silence, tilting his head to speak but keeping his gaze fixed to the window.
He didn't want to further agitate his partner, who became angry notoriously faster whenever he was feeling observed.
Not unlike that ferret that had broken into the DPD office two weeks prior and made itself a home in the paper bin.

"You wanna go somewhere else?"
Gavin replied with a bit more edge to his voice than Nines had expected.
The android didn't need to scan him to know that Gavin was feeling attacked.

Whether it was because of his father or some untold Milktea trauma he hadn't felt comfortable sharing yet, Gavin was going through emotional turmoil.
Whatever he was feeling, it needed to be heard and met with understanding.
So hurriedly, Nines tried to clarify:

"No no! That's not what I was implying! Frankly I just didn't expect tea to be your cup of... Well...", he trailed off, realising his mistake and wishing he could rewind his last two seconds of dialogue.

His face grew faintly more bluish as the thirium flowed in to cool off the heat of embarrassment.
Nines resorted to simply stare at the menu fixed to the inside of the glass while screaming internally.

Gavin, mercifully ignoring Nines' bad pun, responded in an unconvincingly casual tone;

"Well I'm full of surprises. Also, aren't you the one always judging me for my caffeine intake?"

"I'm not judging," Nines pointed out, feeling a bit more in his element again, "I'm just not particularly fond of having to witness it."

"Yeah whatever, Mr. Federal Court. Let's go in, I want sugar."

A tilt to Gavin's eyebrows indicating that whatever argument he'd been having with himself, was finally resolved now.
Without awaiting any answers, his partner opened the door, leading them both inside.

The shop was brightly lit by fluorescent lights in different shades of pastel pink and blue.
A slowly turning disco ball hung high from the ceiling and the walls were decorated in the vintage style of the early 2000's, showcasing several framed posters and photographs of all things and people in shiney silver and pastel tones.
In front of the windows there was a row of unoccupied metal tables and behind the counter Nines spotted the only other person in the shop; The barista, a young person of approximately nineteen or twenty years, wearing a vintage print shirt, referencing the eighth star wars movie.
An unusual sight to be seen in the age of ordering-screens and self-service but definitely giving the whole thing another nice touch of nostalgia.

Not for Nines himself, obviously, as he had been built long after these things had gone in and out of style twice; But maybe it was for Gavin, he realised as they made their way to the front desk. Perhaps this was the reason his partner wanted to come in there?

"You wanna order something?"

Gavin's voice startled him out of his observations.
Caught off guard, Nines scanned the menu hung above the counter, realising that it was the exact same one that had been taped to both the door and the window outside.
It began to dawn on Nines that perhaps this was the reason as to why Gavin had stood in front of the window for so long; He had been choosing his order.

Nines felt a strong urge for sudden self-imposed combustion.

How could he be the most advanced android ever created by a mastermind genius, and yet be simultaneously so utterly stupid?
Quickly Nines ushered those self-deprecating thoughts aside.
He could examine them later, alone in his apartment as he stared at the ceiling in the dark, praying for a system update that would automatically cancel out such absolute clown behaviour.

But for now he had to focus on the task at hand.
Thankfully, being an android, the choice to make there was an easy one.
Nines cleared his throat, pretending that a dry throat was the sole reason for his stalling and prayed to rA9 that his face had remained its normal color.

"I suppose I'll take the double thirium option."

Gavin stepped forward to order, thirium with thirium boba for his partner and peach milktea with blueberry boba for himself, after which Nines paid for their drinks, as he had promised.
The barista yawned and turned around, beginning to prepare their orders, promising they'd be ready in five minutes.

Gavin gave him a - very manly, friendly by intention and thoroughly uncharacteristic - bump to the shoulder before heading to one of the tables.

"Thanks, Iron-man."

Nines followed him, rubbing his arm.

"I'm made of steel, Detective."

Surprisingly Gavin smirked at that, after turning around just to let him see he was rolling his eyes.

"Then why're you going all soft on me, Clark?"

"I'm- not," Nines had begun to stutter before Gavin had the audacity to wave him off and roll his eyes again. This wasn't an unusual thing for his partner to do, but this time there was something peculiar about the way he did it. It felt more poignant, almost malevolent.
Cautiously Nines pulled back a chair.
They sat across from each other with only the small table between them, making the android overly aware of how their knees were almost touching.

"It's just a reference tincan. I know who you are. Oh look!" He pointed to one of the framed photographs showing a man, holding an old-fashioned Samsung device "It's your grandma."

An orange cycle ran through the android's reflection on the metallic table.
Why was Gavin once again reverting to treating him like a joke again?

Nines closed his eyes, trying to ground himself.
This wasn't worth it.

And yet, it seemed utterly wrong to him; To go back to this surface level banter and act like their moment of closure didn't happen.
Like the wall between them hadn't broken down, revealing sides of his partner he'd never thought he would ever be privy to.

Nines had really hoped that it had been their beginning of being more open with one another.
The beginning of them being a little less of this dysfunctionally functional mess and a little bit closer to getting along.

But clearly, Gavin disagreed.

Maybe he had simply changed his mind as his panic attack had ended.
Or maybe this was the real Gavin after all, uninterested in any deeper connection and in no need of anyone but himself.

Lost in the city whose every street he had wired into his database, Nines didn't know how to categorise these feelings anymore.
He wasn't sure which thoughts of his led anywhere anymore, just as he didn't know what he had hoped for;
But it definitely hadn't been the following conversation.

"So tell me tincan, who's the evil twin, you or Connor?"

Nines saw more orange light in his reflection, while doing his best to mask the hurt in his voice. Making it sound like annoyance usually did the trick.

"What would you say if I asked you the same question, Detective?"

"I'd say it's me, of course. But only to piss off Elijah." Gavin chuckled a little dryly.

Nines paused, considering his next move and deciding to manoeuvre them back to the roof.

If his partner wanted to be a bitch, so could he. This was a game they both knew how to play well and Nines had learnt from the best; Gavin himself.

"Have you always had a difficult relationship with your brother?"

Immediately the grin faded a little.
Obviously caught off guard Gavin propped his elbow on the table, hiding the bottom half of his face in his palm and looking away;
His telltale sign for being upset.

"Jeez tin can, whom don't I have a difficult relationship with? If I'm involved, things go to shit. That's why I usually don't bother."

Nines decided to paddle back a bit.
Maybe he shouldn't press the issue after all?

"I'm sorry to hear that you think so. But for what it's worth, I want you to know that I don't agree with this sentiment. You-"

Their conversation was cut short by the barista putting down their drinks in front of them, yawning something that sounded like 'Enjoay'.
Gavin took his and immediately attacked the lid with his straw, viciously piercing through the cover with a noise so unexpectedly loud that it startled Nines.
Hesitantly he took his own cup, imitating his partner's move and accidentally spilling some of his drink due to putting too much force to this movement.
Taking a sip he could feel his sensors thanking him and his thoughts becoming a little less tangled up.

"Hey, tin can", Gavin said after taking a long drag from straw, using that specific tone of voice that indicated that whatever followed would be intentionally annoying,
"If you need to drink thirium to work properly, then does that mean that all androids are vampires?"

Nines sighed; Not because androids needed to breathe out nor in, but solely to express his displeasure.
It wasn't something he'd ever admit to anyone, but this was undoubtedly a gesture he had adapted from Gavin.

"As I understand it, in most cultural depictions vampires are categorised as malevolent beings leeching off of others of their own kind. Be it through blood, energy etc.."

Which would beg the question if Gavin counted as one, Nines added mentally before adding on to his own explanation.

"So no Detective, I don't suppose androids would count as such because we don't drink our thirium from the bodies of other androids. Because that would be unsanitary and first and foremost, rude."

Gavin nodded slowly, but apparently felt the need to keep asking stupid questions.
He put his drink down for a moment, wringing his hands as if fumbling to find something in the lines on his palms that could keep their topic of conversation as far away as possible from what had happened.
The boba in the beige liquid sank to the bottom of the cup with one of them having apparently been ripped open by the straw. Leaking dark blue into the open, flatly sinking in on itself, an empty shell of what it should be. A fitting representation of how Nines was feeling.

"Is it weird for you to drink it though, since it's like your blood or something? Is it every other bodily fluid too, by the way?"

More than just a bit disgusted, he blinked at his partner. Gavin showed no signs of regret. Nines was starting to wonder why he even bothered to get his hopes up, when he knew exactly who he was dealing with.
The roots of some traits reach too far down to be unearthed.
Perhaps Gavin just wouldn't change.

Still, something in Nines' chest felt like it was smoldering.
After a quick self check he was about 75% convinced that he was just annoyed, frustrated and in dire need of something to break.
Nothing more, nothing less.

Nines closed his eyes for a second before responding at last. Impatience seeped into his voice like the spilled drops of his drink, soaking into the cuff of his sleeve. He refused to answer the latter part of the question.

"Your body is made out of 97% water, do you feel weird drinking it?"

"I don't know Nines, according to you I don't drink enough water to answer that."

There it was again, that shit eating grin on Gavin's face, inviting him to a game of ambiguously good natured roasting.
Nines didn't want to accept, but also refused to lose by default.

"Of course," Nines responded with the sarcasm staining his tongue like thirium,
"I forgot about your incredibly ambitious goal to become the first human raisin."

Gavin laughed in surprise.

"Oh I'll be raisin something if you don't watch it."

Nines felt his face growing involuntarily warmer.
Unsuccessfully he tried to hide it by pretending to scratch the bridge of his nose.
He would not let Gavin win this, so he narrowed his eyes and raised his eyebrows, reaching into the reservoir of his lowest category of humor.

"Is that a threat or a sexual innuendo? I couldn't tell in which way I should be feeling scared."

"Well then I won't tell you either. Can't have you getting your hopes up."
Gavin concluded, ultimately ending their battle by turning away and taking an exaggeratedly long drag through his straw. He then continued to prolong this pause by popping boba like a nutcracker.

Nines' reflection showed the colours of a setting sun above the ocean.
What hopes did Gavin think he was referring to?
Why did he say things like that and why did it confuse Nines so much?
When had his last system update been?

At this point Nines was only about 49% convinced that he was merely overthinking, probably losing his mind and in dire need of a break.

"I'm kidding, Nines," Gavin said with a laugh, as soon as he swallowed, effectively stopping that trainwreck of a thought. It didn't sound like his laugh, it sounded hollow and forced.

"Yes. Obviously,"
The android replied somewhat sour, unsure as to why he felt hurt. Silently he self checked for injuries again.

He didn't want to dwell on this.
Not when there was nothing to dwell on.
If Gavin needed to make stupid jokes to pretend that everything was fine, that nothing had happened, then there was no use trying to change his mind.
Nines could review and unpack this day's emotional baggage later.
Now wasn't the right time for this.

Perhaps now was just the time to finish his drink and say goodbye for tonight.

So Nines put the straw to his lips, kept his eyes glued to the photo wall and drank in silence, while chewing occasionally.

Being angry at Gavin had been so much easier than this.
Anger had been a fire feeding on itself, never having left him so utterly, awfully cold.
Cold and unheard, fooled and ignored.
Truly, disappointment was a heavy meal to digest when hope had been the appetiser.

'I think I should go now,' his mind began to formulate.
No, he had promised to escort Gavin back to his car so leaving without him would be very rude.
'Let's take out drinks to go. I'll bring you back to your vehicle,' his mind continued, fixed on getting him out of this situation.

"You know," Gavin broke the silence, his voice suddenly carrying a slight aftertaste of uncertainty, "I've always wanted to try boba but my dad would never let me have any. I guess it was the big straws, bright colors and uh, the shape. He said this was only for girls and sissies. Something about sucking balls."

Nines turned back to face Gavin, fully prepared for his partner to mock him for believing such a silly story.
Instead he was met with a wavering expression of trust, prepared to be hurt but taking the risk. Lowering all defences, whispering 'shoot' but his eyes begging for mercy.
Gavin took a breath and continued, gripping so firmly onto his cup, as if it was all, that his life depended on.

"The old asshole was racist too. But he's dead now, so I can do what I want,"
Gavin started blinking rapidly, chuckling like someone in shock, whose first response is laughter,
"I don't know why it took me so goddamn long to try it anyway. It's not like he could've stopped me from doing this. Or anything else for that matter, but.. Whatever."

Carefully Nines took another sip. He didn't dare say another word or add any other sound to this Soliloquy of hurt;
Fearing it would blow out the flame of trust that had just begun to rise from its ashes again.

Gavin's voice trembled almost unnoticeably; Quiet and fearful, like the dripping of a stream that's been cut off and locked in;
Said it was too much, too big, too dangerous, instead of being appreciated for the power and beauty it held.
But the cracks within its walls have only broadened with time. And the time had come for the dam to break.
Tears were welling up inside his eyes.

"I can finally let all that shit go and live; Be my own person, make my own decisions and..."

Gavin trailed off, as his voice began to break.
And there he was, behind the facade of the tough guy, the jokester, the asshole;
Gavin Reed, hiding in fear from his own humanity. Hiding from himself.
His breathing became more shallow again.
Another wave of panic, building up on the horizon.

Before he could stop himself, Nines reached out to put his hand on Gavin's.
Leaning in, he whispered softly;

"Let's get out of here."

Gavin stared at him, eyes wide; Whether in awe, in shock or in confusion, Nines didn't dare to assume.

With no further warning Gavin forcefully pulled his hand back, shooting up from his seat and grabbing his drink so fast, as to almost knock it over. A deer in the headlights, having chosen to flee.

He stormed out, before Nines had neither the time to comprehend what had happened, nor to stand up and push back his chair.

Only now, in this uncomfortable silence he registered the low volume lofi music playing from behind the booth, the lyrical 'I' of the song sighing 'Darling please don't leave me'.
Oh the shame and irony.

A tad awkwardly Nines picked up his own, half-empty cup.
Wishing the barista a pleasant night, he wondered briefly if this might have looked like a first date gone wrong to the involuntary witness.
And after that, he wondered if it was.

Gavin waited for him at the door, chugging down the last of his remaining boba after having violently pierced open the lid.
Guiltily he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, as he noticed Nines approaching.

For a moment the streetlights up ahead drew the shadows under his eyes out into deep, dark chasms; A skull refusing to fall from rotten shoulders. Alive against all odds.
As Gavin looked up the light revealed once again a man not dead, but simply dead tired.
Although there really wasn't anything simple left between the two of them, was there?

"Are you alright?" Nines asked, already knowing what the true answer would be, no matter what would be voiced.

"Yeah, no. I don't know. I'm sorry I ran out, I just - I don't know, I'm tired and my brain doesn't work anymore."

Nines nodded, trying to recover the safe space of silence that Gavin had dared to unveil his thoughts in, just a few minutes ago.
But for now, only the far sounds of the city filled out their sphere of words unsaid.

Perhaps it was time to go home.

Following his inbuilt gps, Nines began to navigate them back to Gavin's car.

"I'm sorry for what I said, it was stupid. And thanks again for the tea, I uh, really enjoyed it. We can come back, some other time if you want. Preferably not when I'm about to bawl my eyeballs out in front of some teenage nerd though."

It took Nines a moment to realise Gavin was referring to the barista.
With an uncertain shrug, his partner concluded;

"I just didn't want them to see me like that."

Embarrassment shimmered out through his voice like an old sequined dress behind a thriftshop window. It's been there for a while, it will be there for even longer and the owner wants it least of all; But where else would you put it?

The two of them passed through an alley, narrowed by a newly parked car that hadn't been there before. Neither of them moved ahead so for a moment they moved closer, shoulder by shoulder, almost bumping into one another.
Nines did his best not to touch him, metaphorically holding his breath and side eyeing his partner's melancholic expression.

It felt wrong to see him this way.
Something in his system was urging him to reach out to hold Gavin's hand while simultaneously listing all the reasons why this was a very bad idea. This was the real Gavin again, not the performance he had put on in the shop.

Once they had passed through, the human didn't move away, despite there being space again.
Nines' mental list reached its 28th point when he decided to speak, both to comfort Gavin and to silence his thoughts;

"So what if they saw? There is no shame in what you're going through."

Gavin only shrugged.
In an attempt to lighten the mood, the android added;

"And excuse you, but you're the one who made two consecutive comic references. If anyone's a nerd, it's you."

"Yeah yeah, I'm a hypocrite. What else is new,"
Gavin waved off with a smile sneaking its way onto his lips; A gesture Nines couldn't help but mirror. Although he doubted that he himself could ever show a smile so precious, even if he tried. His partner's genuine and genuinely beautiful smile had been his favourite for a while now.

'Focus!', he shook those thoughts away, 'You're not done talking yet.'

"You know, unless you go back there frequently, the possibility of seeing this person again is quite low.
So why would their opinion matter to you?"

Gavin took a pause before answering, oh so tired from all those years of keeping the floodgates closed but still all too unfamiliar with having them open.

"Because some of us have insecurities and people who like to make fun of those. We can't all be infallible mecha demigods, Nines."

The android turned to him, stopping for a moment. Since when was this how he viewed him?

"You know full well that I'm not infallible, Detective. And you also know that there's enough people disliking me and my kind.
It's not about being perfect so that no one can judge you, it's about not allowing their opinions to influence how you view yourself."

Unconsolably fatigued, Gavin looked him in the eyes with furrowed brows.

"But how do you do it? How can you not let those assholes get to you? I know if I heard people yell at me, threatening to melt me down, I'd be on edge all the fucking time."

At that, Nines had to laugh a little.

"Would that be so different from your usual mood?"

"Trust me, I've heard my own fair share of bullshit. So, how do you do it?"

They were approaching the parking space and with a sudden hit of urgency, Nines realised that this might be the last moment to discuss this. Tomorrow everything might be different, tomorrow Gavin might not listen.

"Well,"
he began, not sure as to where this sentence would lead but desperately clinging to this moment of connection, dreading each step forward they took,
"When everyone has their eyes and opinions on you, you have to know your own worth. Other people cannot take from you, what isn't theirs to decide. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but you are equally permitted to ignore any opinions rooted in bigotry."

And suddenly there they were again. Back on the roof, back where it started. It had been less than an hour ago and somehow a lifetime as well.
The lights of the city reflected in Gavin's eyes, a light breeze tousling his hair.
His face looked youthful, eyes filled with something like hope.

"You make it sound so easy."

"It isn't, but that's exactly why it's so crucial to keep in mind."

Standing at the side of Gavin's car, Nines felt suddenly aware of the fact that he didn't want to say goodbye anymore. He wanted to stay here, to keep talking forever.
But Gavin was human, he needed to sleep.
And on the horizon the nightsky was slowly beginning to subside to blue and orange, canvas and paint, for the day to come.

Nines spoke before his selfishness could hinder him from it, gripping his cup in support after having almost forgotten about it even still being in his hand;

"I think it would be best for us to part ways for tonight. You should really get some rest."

Gavin laughed, sounding slightly delirious.

"If I had a dollar for everytime I've heard that, I'd be fucking rich."

"Then maybe you should consider following that advice."

Gavin began to fumble for his keys.

"Why are you so worried about this anyway? I'm usually functioning enough, aren't I? Not counting tonight, of course."

"Just functioning isn't the same as living, Detective. We both know this."

Their eyes met just as Nines felt the side of his face warming as the rising sun had finally broken free behind skyscrapers, previously obscuring it.
Gavin's expression darkened a bit.

"You're right, I should get going. If I don't go to sleep soon, I'll probably pass out on the sidewalk somewhere for everyone to walk over."

The pain inside Nines' chest reappeared, crying out for him to do something.

"Would you like me to accompany you?" Were the words his mouth allowed to escape without the brains permission, spluttering out in a panic, "It would be safer-"

The human lifted both hands in defence.

"Thanks, but it's fine. I won't be doing any stunts, so I'll be safe as can be. I might take out my motorbike for that later though, should be more fun."

Gavin's smile was weaker now but as soon as the keys were found and the door was opened; There was nothing in the way of ending this chapter.

"Gavin,"
Nines asked him quietly,
"Please promise me not to do anything stupid."

His partner stopped mid-movement, looking back while holding the car door open. His face appearing almost identical to when their hands touched on the table.

"Okay,"
Gavin answered, his eyes a maze, unsolvable.
"I won't. Goodnight, Nines. I'll see you at work."

He closed the door and started the engine, giving his partner one last nod and a thin smile before leaving.

And as Nines remained there, watching him drive off and into the daylight fading in.
The android was left there to stand and wonder if those last words meant that Gavin wouldn't do anything stupid, or that he wouldn't promise.

Chapter Text

In the next few days after the funeral Gavin spent a fairly great amount of his free time installing, deleting and reinstalling Grindr.
'Great' as in a lot and not at all, as in good.
God knows that was the worst way to describe it.

Having gone through this procedure before in his early twenties, he was surprised to see that the app was still running after all these years.
And disappointed, but not surprised by the addition of 'no androids' in the lists of 'no short guys, no femmes, no hispanics/asians/blacks' that jerks liked to include in their bio.

Just say you're an asshole and go, Gavin thought to himself as he aggressively swiped left on Justin, 36 'just looking for noncommittal fun'.

Gavin sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose and putting his phone down.
Work was slow that day, so he had no reason to feel guilty about swiping around in the office.
Still, he really wasn't sure what he was looking to gain from it.
Was he trying to find someone to hook up with or someone to date?
The love of his life?

Or just an array of queer single men to look at, to reassure himself that there were plenty of people like him and that his attraction wasn't unnatural?
Proof that there were people willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and that at least on a surface level, for them he could be desirable?
A confirmation that it was okay to be curious and to meet new people, even if it led to nothing; Even if it wasn't a secret?

A bit much to ask of a fucking dating app, but still easier than looking for a therapist.
When he did come across one or two of those on the app, he swiped left immediately.

Bored after two minutes without it, he picked up his phone once more and kept swiping; Making his way through tons of Steves, Lees and Davids and mostly swiping left.
It wasn't that they were all unattractive or uninteresting to him, it was just that no one seemed quite right somehow.

Gavin didn't dare look at the clock in fear of seeing just how much time he had wasted once again just by looking at random men.
The few guys he did end up swiping right on ended up immediately asking for dick pics, inviting Gavin to threesomes with them and their girlfriends or sending unsolicited dick pics themselves.

All of them except Flavio, 39. who unfortunately turned out to be allergic to cathair, effectively ending the conversation.

Gavin was just about to delete the damn app again before suddenly coming across a profile that piqued his interest;
AJ, LM100.

The first picture showed the android himself holding a tiny sphynx cat like a baby. His profile description read;
'Looking for someone to help me raise this queen and raise some hell while we're at it ;)'

Curiosity overcame him and just for a moment Gavin considered swiping right.
With his thumb hovering over the screen, he stopped to think.
Human/android relationships weren't very common these days, but also not completely unheard of. And with the way the android rights movement was going at the moment, Gavin was sure that in a very near future, they'd be viewed as equal to human partnerships.

But whatever the future would bring; His past self had taken such possibility from him forever.
Too much hatred had escaped his stupid mouth; He had no right to press it on the lips of those he helped to oppress.

His next door neighbour was an android; A kind lady who always watered the plant by his apartment door when Gavin forgot to do it.
So was the vet he had gone to countless times, whenever his tabby ate something bad, despite Gavin vigilantly watching her.

And so was his partner at work; His friend and rival. The man, the can, the legend.
The ever-infuriating, ever-confusing and ever-balancing presence in his life.
The one who had already seen too much of his ugliness leaking through the cracks. Nines was off limits and so was every other person without a pulse.
Not that he'd ever have a chance anyway.

Gavin had learnt his lesson, he was doing his best to work through his biases and prejudices; But harmoniously living among androids didn't mean he deserved to live with one and definitely did not deserve for an android to love him.

He took one last look at AJ.
Such a picture perfect smile on a handsome face, broad shoulders and careful hands; The ideal man incarnate - or rather inmachinate - with a shimmer of deviancy in his eyes.
That man should match with someone better than a former bigot like himself.

Gavin sighed, silently wishing AJ the best, and swiping left, knowing he could never be that for someone like him.

The next profile read:
Hank Anderson, 55.
'Single dad. Here for committed misery.'

Gavin closed the app and deleted it once again.
That had been enough for one day.

Laying his phone facedown on his desk, he did the same, letting out a drawn-out, frustrated groan against the wooden surface, like a bus releasing air from its tires.

"You dyin' again, Gav?"
Tina called over from her desk.

"Fuck off,"
he meant to groan in response but the words came out muffled and incomprehensible, even to himself. The sound of a desk chair scooting his way foretold the arrival of his coworker.

"If you want help, you gotta use words. What's the matter? Did your cats piss on the carpet again?"
Tina said, leaning sideways on his desk and poking the back of his head with a pencil.

Gavin turned his head, just to shoot her a decimating look.
He wasn't mad at her in particular - he very rarely was - but at life in general and being his friend in moments like these, Tina had to serve as a bystander to growl at.

"No they didn't, those little assholes learnt their lesson."

She put her head on the table next to him, looking at him face to face.

"Then why are you being so extra grumpy today?"

"Because I'm gonna die lonely and miserable, no one will ever want me and online dating sucks ass." Gavin sighed.

Sympathetically she put her hand on his shoulder.

"Don't say that. I know you like to be dramatic but I'm sure you'll find someone. Maybe grindr just isn't for you and it's time to try the old fashioned way."

Gavin made a noise not even he knew the meaning of.
Thankfully Tina seemed either thoroughly determined to help or already too fed up with his whining not to do anything about it.
She propped herself up on her elbow, her face lighting up with the thought of a new idea.

"You know, you could just come along with me after work; There's this new bar I could take you to, if you promise not to keep sulking like this."
She began poking him again as she continued;
"Aaand we could be each other's wing-buddies. How does that sound?"

After softly swatting her hand away Gavin considered it; Going through every pro and con he could possibly come up with.
Pro: He could meet someone, con: People would see him with a guy.
Pro: It didn't have to be anything serious right away, he could just talk to someone casually without the awkward app barrier.
Con: He would have to talk to someone face to face.
Pro: He wouldn't go alone, con: He might leave alone though.

Gavin took a deep breath in.
He knew his own mind well enough to understand that whatever positive he would come up with, his brain would supply an excuse. This was a game he couldn't win.

"Sure, why not," He replied, as his thoughts began to scream, "Sounds bearable."

"Great, I'll see you at eight!"
Tina exclaimed, jumping up and promptly rolling back to her desk before softly slamming against it. After that she stood up and made her way towards the exit, off to her usual patrols, turning around only once more, to fingergun at him.

Gavin immediately fumbled through his jacket in search of gum. Desperate for something to grind between his teeth and ground him, as to avoid running after her and taking back his words.
A slight nausea overcame him with the memory of the last time he felt this anxious.
The taste of blueberry chewing gum wasn't helping either. Hurriedly, he reached for the paper bin to spit it out again.

No take backs, he told himself.
It would be fine, he would be okay.
It would be good to talk to some other guys and get his mind off of the one he couldn't have.

The work day went by incredibly slowly.
And with each passing hour Gavin's heart seemed to pound louder, making him wish it was finally time to leave.
But once the clock struck eight, he wished he would have spent less of his time panicking and more of it preparing himself.
Anxiety was flowing through his system like alcohol, intoxicating his every thought; Tina, being as close to a best friend as someone like him could have, noticed immediately.

"Hey, it's all good! I know you're nervous, but it'll all be fine! And we don't have to stay for long, we can leave whenever you want."

They were sitting in her car, heading downtown and listening to something Gavin could only describe as 'lesbian rage music'. Tina had changed into more casual clothes, wearing a black leather jacket and some lipstick, leaving Gavin to feel not only underprepared but also underdressed.
He looked as he always did, but felt significantly worse.
Chipping away at the hastily applied, dark red nail polish he was beginning to regret the whole plan. To Tina's dismay he had put the nail polish on in her car ("Ugh Gavin, open the window!"), as one last attempt to match the occasion.
That was another thing he'd been wanting to try out for years, but when finally having it on his nails, it was like voluntarily sticking all ten digits into mousetraps.
People would see it, people would know.

Maybe he couldn't 'go all out' quite yet. Maybe it was too late for him to catch up on lost time and maybe all of this was simply a terrible idea.

"We're here!"

Tina pulled into a free parking space and he could already make out the neon rainbow letters spelling out 'Ernie & Bernd's', surrounded by balloons in all colours, strung up in a way to resemble dicks.
In front of the bar was a small crowd of people, waiting to be let inside.

As if in slow motion Gavin turned towards the driver.
"Tina," he managed to say through teeth biting into the insides of his cheeks, "What kind of bar is this?"

"A gay one, where else would we go?" She stated, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I didn't think you'd take me to the gayest bar in all of history! " Gavin agonised, "I can't do this, I'm sorry. Do what you want, but I'm walking home."

He made a move to open the door but Tina objected, grabbing his arm.

"Gavin, wait!"

"You said we can leave whenever I want; Well, I'm leaving!" Gavin said, jabbing his arm out of her grip. He didn't dare look at her face.

"But we haven't even gone inside yet!" she called out as he exited the car and began to head away from the bar. Having no concrete idea where exactly he was, his flight response was willing to lead him anywhere that wasn't the gayest place in Detroit.

Tina ran up behind him; "Come on Gavin, you can do this! If there's a will there's a way! And I bet there's at least one Will in there, just waiting to get to know you!"

"Fuck no, if there's a will, then there's a won't." Gavin tried to walk away faster.

With one swift but determined move his best friend blocked his way, following step whenever he made a move to walk past her.

"Gavin, listen to me. This is your fear speaking, not you. We both know you want this, and I won't let you run away anymore."

He took a shaky breath, trying to ground himself.
Behind him he could hear the distant noises of music playing and people talking.
People just like him, but free of the invisible cage he'd been raised into. Like a bird that had grown too big over the years, that had come to peace with the fact that it would never fit through the bars again, but then was suddenly made to discover that the door had never been locked in the first place.
He knew there was no right or wrong way for him to feel about all this, so of course his brain made him feel everything at once.

On the pavement his shadowed silhouette, trailing out from under his shoes, was framed with a soft trace of neon.
He could keep walking and no one would know he'd been there. He'd be back in his cage of safety and sorrow. Or drowning in shadows and secrecy.

"Fuck," Gavin groaned, burying his face in his palms.
He would've given anything to simply disappear.
Disappear or dissolve, to blend in with his surroundings; To see and hear and feel all of the things that he wanted but simply couldn't do. He so desperately wanted to be a part of this, but not as the man he had made of himself. Not as Gavin Reed.
The bigot, the asshole, the coward.

Quietly, Tina stepped closer, raising her hand to cup the side of his face.
Gavin could feel her fingers on his hand, still obscuring himself from the world; Gently trying to pry it away. Wordlessly whispering 'I see you, you don't need to hide'.

Her hand felt as cold and roughened up as usual.
And despite or exactly because of what was happening, Gavin made a mental note to get her something for that. And also to find some kind of excuse to give it to her.

The two of them have known each other for as long as he'd been working with the DPD. Logically he knew it wouldn't be weird if he bought her some hand moisturiser, since she always forgot to. But it didn't feel right.
Was he allowed to care for her?
Was he allowed not to, since she obviously cared so much for him?

"I'm sorry Gavin, I didn't mean to overwhelm you. We don't have to go in, if it's too much."

Her voice came like a distant memory, adding itself into the mix of all his thoughts spiraling overhead like flies, he couldn't swat away.

Being close to people was like balancing on the edge of hell's craters, but with her it was a special kind of hell.
Because with Tina, it was always 100% guaranteed that there could never be any type of romantic or sexual attraction.
So if she stuck around for as long as she had, then she genuinely liked him.
She wasn't trying to use him for anything, she cared about him with nothing to gain.
And that's what he couldn't quite grasp.

Because why would anyone want him?

Usually he knew he had to keep somewhat of a distance; Because no matter how much Tina loved to play with the fire that he was, he could not let her get burnt.

But now, with her hand feeling so awfully cold on his, he considered that maybe, just this once, he could let her move closer.

Lowering his hands, he allowed her to see the fear laying heavy in his eyes.
Her hand remained on his.

"Do you really think I can do this? That I'm ready?"

Gently, Tina squeezed his hand;

"One hundred percent, you've been ready for so much longer than you realise."

"Okay," Gavin sighed out, "Let's go in."

"That's my boy!"

Tina's face lit up immediately, all the concern wiped away in an instant. She clung to his arm excitedly, turning both of them towards the entrance.
Gavin couldn't help but to let out a laugh; Still somewhat nervous and shaky but determined to go through with the plan.
Fully embracing the fear, pricking into his skin. Breathing through the pain.
And with every step forward, it felt a little less impossible.

"It'll be fun, you'll see!"
Tina reassured him as they passed through the door and into the bar, still holding on to his arm.

Gavin leaned into the touch, turning his head to smile out of sight.

"Yeah, yeah. But if we see anyone we know, I'm out."

*

"You're unusually quiet tonight. Is there something on your mind, Nines?"
Connor's voice brought him back from vigorously combing through his memory files. The two of them were walking through the lantern lit park in the evening, Sumo happily prancing ahead and occasionally halting to sniff around the trees.

RK900 was more than a little disgruntled by the unfinished personal mission still blinking in his peripheral vision;
All day he'd debated whether to talk to Gavin and all day he had procrastinated it. Telling himself he'd do it after his current task and then after the next and so on. At the end of their shift, the choice itself had been taken from him by Tina of all people.
The very same person who had advised him to 'Just talk to him. He rarely bites and he doesn't have rabies. Trust me, we checked' when he had asked her for advice.

Usually Nines tried to make the most of his and Connor's walks, but this time he couldn't help but flip through every small interaction he and his partner have had in the past days; Trying to find clues as to why Gavin had been avoiding him.
And usually Nines could confide in his brother about anything, but something inside told him, that in this case, he should keep his files to himself.

"Oh, it's something rather stupid," RK900 tried to deflect, "Not worth delving into."

Connor displayed what must've been the most smug expression his facial programming was capable of. His LED turning curious circles of blue and putting a mischievous glint to the side of his left eye.

"So it's about Gavin?"

Nines sighed, despite himself.
"Yes, but as I said, this is not an issue in need of discussion. Especially not with the antagonistic relationship the two of you share."

"Well, it's true that Gavin and I will never be friends, but that doesn't mean we have to be enemies either," Connor said as he stepped around the leash, untangling himself from the knot Sumo was trying to create , "We're just two very different people on a similar path, treading far apart but wishing each other good luck. And to me that suffices."

"How are you so certain that he agrees?"

"I'm not, Nines. I'm projecting." Connor said a little surly, stopping for a moment to let Sumo mark someone's bike as his territory.

"Fair enough," Nines shrugged, "But in his defence, Gavin is not as much of a nuisance as he used to be. His behaviour has improved exponentially during the past two years."

"Hank's has too," Connor laughed, "He really hated me in the beginning. But I understand his reasons."

Nines looked up as they walked, observing the muddy sky, framed by the branches reaching across the pathway; Like a living basket, weaving itself.
The early stages of autumn never failed to amaze him. The changes in colour all around, with the remnants of summer's warmth in the wind carrying leaves through the air made the whole world appear as a painting in process.
An underpainting of renewal and rebirth, readying itself for the pause of winter and the new life emerging in spring.
Nines added 'purchase more burnt sienna' to his list of personal missions.

There he came across 'Talk to Gavin' again.

This was a problem he couldn't resolve as easily. But perhaps he could better prepare for what he could say, when seeing his partner again on Monday.

Further avoiding his twin's gaze, Nines attempted to put the unfamiliar chaos into words;

"I thought I was beginning to understand Gavin, but due to his grief, our interactions have been changing. I suppose I haven't had enough time to adapt to it," Nines began to rub the space where his thirium pump lay, "I just know that all of the sudden, I want to help him so desperately, it hurts."

"It's a phantom pain, Nines," Connor said softly, "Our hearts don't hurt, even when damaged."

Nines looked down again, facing his brother;
"Then I don't understand what is happening. Does that sound like I should have my wiring examined?"

Connor smiled at him, as if pertaining knowledge Nines was yet to discover.

"It sounds like you're in trouble. Or rather into trouble."

Nines halted for a moment, processing what his brother had implied.
Immediately he felt thirium rushing into his face as he stumbled to explain;

"I wouldn't dare compromise our working relationship because of something so unreasonable and possibly fleeting as romantic feelings!" He turned away to hide the fact that he was actually and unmistakably blushing.

Connor sidestepped around him, forcing Nines to look him in the face.

"I do agree with the 'unreasonable' but be honest; Is it really 'fleeting'? You know, this is not the first time we're having this conversation. But curiously the first one where you're not just complaining about him. If you give me a second to search through my memory files, I can tell you exactly when you first mentioned him."

"I'm sure there's no need-"

"It was one year, five months, two weeks, one day, four hours, thirty-seven minutes, twenty-eight sec-"

"Alright, I get it!" Nines hid behind his hands.

"The second conversation about this was two days later, the third after another week, the fourth-"

"Connor, please!"

"All in all, there were about 34 conversations just about this one topic between the two of us in the past year and a half. Now tell me again about 'fleeting'?" Connor concluded triumphantly.

"So, you are the evil twin after all," Nines grumbled into his palms.

"Pardon? I couldn't hear you over how blue your face is glowing. With all due respect, you look like you're about to crash."
Connor jokingly put his hand on Nines forehead, as if feeling for a fever.

"I think you're spending too much time with Hank," Nines softly pushed his hand away, "Your jokes have gotten significantly worse."

"The vote results of office comedy night say otherwise." Connor bragged, swinging around his end of the leash.

"Pity votes, all of them." Nines said, swiftly snatching it out of his hand and walking ahead with Sumo.

"The audacity," Connor gasped dramatically, speed walking after them "And that coming from you; My very own twin brother, my flesh and blood!"

"We have neither of those." Nines chuckled, walking faster just to spite Connor.

"You don't know what's in my fridge!"
Connor caught up with him again, retrieving the leash;
"All jokes aside Nines, I think you should talk to him. You won't get anywhere, ranting about it to me; If he's part of the issue, then only he can help you find the solution. If you don't know what you're feeling, talk to him and figure it out."

"It's not that simple, Connor. You know that."

"That is incorrect, you haven't tried. So neither of us can know."

"I don't even know if he would like someone like me." Nines sighed, feeling the pain in his chest manifest once again.

Connor's eyebrows furrowed, his LED spinning orange;
"An android?"

"A man."

Connor opened his mouth to speak before suddenly stopping. His eyes glazed over and he turned his head as his hand went to his LED; A call had come in.

"Yes, thank you for informing me, Officer. Please forward the address and I will be right there to pick him up."
Connor said before ending the conversation and turning around to Nines, his eyes back to normal but hardened with concern.

"I'm sorry Nines. It's Hank, I need to go get him."

*

As Gavin was downing his third 'Sex on the Beach' of the evening, everything began to go down the drain and straight to hell. Before that everything had been going just fine.

As expected, 'Ernie & Bernd's' was packed with all sorts of queer folks on its opening night, which meant that not only did Gavin get to bump into shitty Justin from Grindr; the leader of the android revolution and his blond boyfriend; But also one of the guys he had previously hooked up with sometime in the past.

Tina had gone to the bathroom, so there was no one to hide behind when his past hook-up spotted him.
They had last crossed paths about two years ago in a badly lit club; But apparently the burly man's memory was as good as his looks.

"Kevin, is that you?" Lev thundered with a heavy accent and a cheeky smile, making his way through the crowd and sitting down on Tina's empty seat.

Almost as good as his looks, Gavin remarked, as he ordered another drink.

"Yep, that's me," he grimaced, accepting the other man's hand for a handshake. His hands felt more calloused but just as strong as Gavin remembered them.

"Finally out and proud, huh? No more hiding in dark alleyways?" Lev asked, lightly poking the paper umbrella in Gavin's cocktail. He leaned towards him, arm on the counter; His body language betraying interest and in turn intriguing Gavin.

"Seems like it," The detective answered, before taking a sip from the newly refilled glass.

There was something warming in his chest; Whether it was the alcohol or the fact that both of them could openly sit at an openly gay place in public, he couldn't quite pin down.
Whatever it was, it was there and so was the man who had held him in the dark and now found him again in the light.
It was a beautiful thing to see him look so seemingly at peace with himself; Wearing a violet flannel, with his dirty blond hair slicked back. It was longer than before and his stubble had become a well trimmed beard. He had truly only become more handsome in their time apart.

Perhaps it was envy Gavin felt towards him, or maybe something closer to pride. Or an entirely different deadly sin.

"This is a nice place, don't you think?" Lev asked, after ordering a drink for himself, "But very crowded. Are you here on your own?"

"I'm with a friend," Gavin gestured at the half empty glass of whiskey he'd been guarding, "No idea where she went though, she said she'd be back in a minute but now it's been ten."

"I see," Lev eyed him up and down, "If you don't want to leave alone, just meet me at the door."

"For old times' sake?" Gavin chuckled, softly bumping his knee against Lev's; Doing his best to make it appear nonchalantly, a playful, casual gesture and not the hardest thing he'd done all day.
The other man grinned, putting his hand on Gavin's thigh for a moment before downing his drink.

"For old times' sake."

Lev hushed into his ear, before disappearing back into the crowd; Leaving nothing behind but the empty glass and the shivers running down Gavin's spine.

As soon as his former hook-up was out of sight, he allowed himself to breathe again. His heart was pounding;
All the blood in his body seemingly rushing down to encircle the spot the other man's hand had grasped mere seconds ago. An electric, invisible handprint remained there, disregarding the barrier of his jeans and imprinting right onto his skin.
This was the first time since Anwar, that anyone had touched him so intimately in the presence of others.

Panic began to rise to the surface like ice, his muscles tensing in anticipation of a blow, someone screaming, someone wanting to hurt him. The room began to spin.
He took a deep breath and let his eyes trail through the room.

Two seats away a short-haired woman was fondly brushing blue strands out of her girlfriend's face. Somewhere in the corner booth behind them, he spotted Markus kissing the blond guy. And to his left was a group of friends (or lovers? Who knew) of all kinds of expressions and genders, chatting and playing cards.

No one in here would have blinked an eye about him flirting with Lev.
Here he was safe. No one would hurt him.

He had met Lev before, and at least when it came to meaningless sex, he knew he could trust him.
So why was he still freaking out?
This had gone well, he tried to calm himself, he hadn't shied away, he hadn't hidden.

A few weeks ago, a moment like this would've only been a dream.

Gavin was doing the impossible, going towards himself and away from fear;
Proving his doubts wrong.
Slowly the panic began to melt as he realised that not only was he okay, but there was also the possibility of someone taking him home tonight.

He smiled in quiet victory, closing his eyes and fully taking in what had just occurred. His hand on the glass, still shaking, but further shaking off the shackles of his past.
It was progress; Sitting out the anxiety when his body was begging him to run away and hide.
He hadn't just taken a small step towards freedom, he had taken a leap and it had been worth it.

"Detective!!"

A sudden, familiar voice made all the blood rush into his feet and urge him to run.
Gavin turned around so quickly he almost fell off of his bar stool.
Whatever panic he had tried to drown resurfaced like a witch, cursing him for his ignorance. Suddenly everything had been a terrible idea.
Before him, in the softly rainbow coloured lighting stood an android he knew all too well.

"Connor?! What the fuck are you doing here?" Gavin cursed, still in disbelief of who he was seeing.

"Officer Chen called me, could you tell me where she is? I'm here to collect Hank."

"Fuck, Hank's here too?!" Gavin felt anger rising in his chest before his mind made it come to a halt, "Wait, isn't he sober?"

"He should be, yes." Connor answered, his LED an alarming red.

Gavin stood up immediately, "I'll look for him."

Connor nodded, before turning around and scanning the room. Gavin went the other way, squeezing through the crowd.
All at once there were too many people in there, every single one of them, suddenly an obstacle. The previously cozy light was an annoyance now, making it difficult to discern grey hair from white or blonde.

Why did everything always need to go to shit? Gavin wondered, shuffling past an overwhelming amount of people.
He wasn't drunk enough for shit like this but far too tipsy to be of any actual good.
He was pissed at Tina and wished he hadn't come; Now two of his least favourite coworkers would know he was gay.

But it wasn't her fault and he knew it. Because if Hank 'known recovering alcoholic' Anderson had sought out the one bar he wasn't banned from, then the situation was bigger than him and his fear of coming out.
And at least there was no way of it getting any more disastrous.

*

Nines had been tasked with standing outside and guarding Sumo.
The air had gotten colder since they had left the park and hurried to get to Hank.

Curiously, the android observed the people going in and out of the establishment, as he crouched down to scratch Sumo behind his ears. Most of them he didn't recognise but briefly he saw a glimpse of Simon from his painting class, before he saw Connor reemerging.

After his brother, Hank was being brought out by two men supporting him from both sides. One of them tall, bearded and blond, a stranger to Nines.

The other one was Gavin Reed.

As their eyes met, time shifted diagonally.
He wanted to go towards this partner, to assist, to do something, anything.
But the way Gavin was looking at him kept him bolted to the ground. It wasn't surprise widening the human's eyes, it was pure terror. That same fear Nines hadn't been looked at with, since the day he was awoken.

The android remained right where he'd been standing as the others manhandled Hank into the backseat of a taxi. Only when Connor came over to retrieve Sumo did he move again.
He hardly even registered his brother talking to him. His mind was fixated on Gavin, the mission loudly blinking; Talk to him, talk to him, talk to him.

As soon as Connor had taken the dog and gotten into the car, Nines dared to move closer towards the remaining two men.

"That was quite something," The tall man chuckled before leaning in conspiratorially towards Gavin.
What he said next, Nines couldn't fully make out apart from the words 'My apartment isn't far'. Combined with the gestural implications, it made the pain in Nines' chest grow darker.
The android looked up at the sign and everything shifted again, as he began to understand what was happening.

"No. Not tonight. I uh- I gotta take care of something. Sorry."
Gavin's voice sounded flat, his eyes nervously flickered over to Nines.

"Are you sure that everything is okay, Vin?" the unknown man asked, softly cupping the side of Gavin's face.

"Yeah, yeah," Gavin slowly backed out of the touch, "We'll just catch up next time."

The stranger followed his gaze, looking back and forth between Gavin and Nines, before slowly going back inside.

"As you wish."

Some of the tightness in the android's chest seemed to go along with him.

A cold, sudden breeze guided smoke into Nines' direction.
Gavin had sat down at the curb, hastily pulling out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. Smoking so frantically, as if it was the only thing keeping him alive. He looked exhausted and defeated.

"Gavin?" Nines carefully came closer, "Is everything alright?"

"No, it's not Nines,"
Gavin sighed, as if the air itself was corroding his lungs and all of the world had turned against him,

"I'm fucking gay."

Chapter Text

Nines felt as if his systems were about to implode.
All of the sudden, there were his answers; Served on a silver platter, at the cost of his appetite.

Evidently, Gavin did like men.
Evidently, not him.

Whoever the unknown man had been, who had just disappeared back into the bar;
He was a stranger to Nines only.
Judging by body language, their exchange of words and glances, the two of them had met before. And not just that.

Scenes of possibilities flashed before the android's inner eyes; Some cruel part of his probability processor making him imagine all the things those two men could be for one another.
This needed to stop.

He commanded the tabs to close, but the more he tried, the faster they appeared. Stupid glitch.
Connor had been right.
This wasn't fleeting, it was a flood.

Focus!
He snapped himself back into the moment.
This was happening now, overcalculating could happen later.
But oh, just how much easier it had been to juggle these concepts around in his head in theory. Now he truly had to face them.

And now he had to face him.

Wanting to express none of it and everything at once, all the android managed to say was;

"Oh."

Silence reappeared immediately, disturbed only by the faint sound of music, laughter and conversations coming from the bar. He envied everyone inside.

In another life, this could've been a place for the two of them to spend time together.
Part of the crowd, engulfed in the joy, music and neon lights.
Far from this moment of dark and torturous silence.

Gavin exhaled, enveloping himself in smoke. Their moment on the rooftop flashed before Nines' eyes and suddenly, certain things began to make more sense.

"Is that all you're gonna say?"

The edge in Gavin's voice gave away the pain in his anger. An illusion Nines was no longer fooled by; Gavin wasn't attacking him for the sake of it, but in an attempt at self-defense.

"Apologies, Detective,"
The android rushed to reply. He remained standing, unsure as to whether he was permitted to sit down beside his partner,

"Will it be a problem for you, that I know of it now?"

"You and Hank and Connor, everyone" Gavin chuckled bitterly, choking the life out of his cigarette against the pavement, "Whatever. Life happens, shit goes on. Thanks for ruining the one good evening I've had in months."

With that he pushed himself up from the curb, practically punching his hands into his pockets. But after taking a step forward, he stumbled.
And despite his partner's words scratching at the wires in his chest, Nines moved forward, reaching out to help.

"Don't fucking touch me! Just - just stop, okay?" Gavin jolted away from Nines, but remained close enough for the android to see every line on his face contorted in anger,

"I just wanted to have one good night, one goddamn night of my fucking life for myself! Don't you think I've embarrassed myself enough in front of you?"

His partner's breath carried the scent of alcohol, enough to impact, but not to knock him out. Not like the last time, when Nines had to carry him home.
That had been a lot easier to deal with.

RK900 pressed his arms to his sides, the unfairness of it all beginning to bloom into anger. He pressed his eyes shut for a moment, knowing that their only way out was for him to stay calm and talk them through this.

Of course, it had to be him again.
Later, he told himself, you can be mad about this later. To Gavin he said;

"I would ask you not to blame me for coincidences out of my control. I am not here because of you, and it wasn't embarrassing-"

"That's fucking easy for you to say!" His partner bolted back at him, "Don't you see how fucking cruel this is? You know all of my deepest, darkest bullshit and I still hardly know you! It's like you have endless blackmail material against me while I got nothing! I'm completely exposed around you and I hate it!"

His voice broke, tying knots around the word 'hate' as if to weigh it down and let it sink to the bottom of the ocean.

The pain emanating from Gavin was almost tangible now, as if Nines could reach out to put his hands around it and wipe away its tears.
Nines kept his hands to himself.

"I'm sorry," he said earnestly, some of the remaining frustration seeping out like sand from a torn bag,

"I should've realized how unbalanced our relationship had become. I promise I would never use any of that against you. In return, I only ask you not to blame me for how everything turned out. I just wanted to help.“

Nines took a breath; This conversation wasn't over, but walking away had gotten the ball rolling last time. It was worth a try.

He turned as if to leave;

“Now if you'll excuse me."

Gavin pinched the bridge of his nose, squinting his eyes shut.

"Wait,"
It sounded both like a command and a plea,
"You're right. It's not your fault. I'm- sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you again."

The android's plan had worked out and immediately he felt guilty for it.

"And I didn't mean to upset you, Detective. Evidently this is very personal for you and I truly didn't mean to intrude," Nines looked away,

"If it'll make you feel better, we can try to even it out. Ask me anything you want; I promise to answer truthfully."

Gavin seemed to consider it for a moment before shaking his head.
"It wouldn't be the same."

"You're right, it wouldn't.”

An idea began to spark in the circuits of the android's mind.

”But I suppose there is something else I can offer; I've never shared this with a human before, but if seeing my 'deepest, darkest bullshit' will restore some balance between us, then I am willing to show it to you."

Gavin slowly raised his eyebrows;
"Are you trying to hit on me or lure me into a deathtrap? Because I'm not that desperate yet.“

Nines sighed, decidedly done with this emotional ping-pong,
"You make it very hard for others to be vulnerable around you, Gavin. How is this supposed to work, if you never take me seriously?"

Silence came back upon them like wind coursing through.

Gavin looked somewhat taken aback. He opened his mouth to speak but Nines cut him off;
"There's footage from the moment I was woken up. It– went badly."

"Okay," Gavin replied, with no trace of his usual snarkiness.

"And if it isn't sufficient, then you can inspect my apartment," Nines continued, staring at the pavement, unsure of why he suggested this, "My plants, my paintings, my turtle-"

This time Gavin interrupted him, sounding genuinely surprised;
"No fucking way you have a turtle."

A smile sneaked its way onto Nines' face, as hesitantly, his eyes met Gavin's again.
"His name is Titian and he likes to bite. I'm sure the two of you will get along just fine."

Gavin stood there for a moment, considering.

"You know what? Sure," Gavin shrugged, obnoxiously casual, "Show me your Dreamhouse, Ken."

Nines nodded, both relieved and annoyed with himself.
Why in the name of deviancy did he have to develop feelings for this one of all people?

*

Nines' apartment looked more like an art studio than someone's home; Or at least what Gavin imagined those to look like.

It was rather small and consisted of only four rooms; A bathroom the size of a big bathtub, a kitchenette inside a storage closet, a bedroom, barely big enough for the twinsized bed and cabinet inside, and the living room, overflowing with greenery and painting supplies, amidst which stood a couch, an arm chair and a coffee table. Near the table stood a terrarium and beyond that, shone nightime Detroit through a big window.
In an organically chaotic way Nines had still managed to make it look overall tidy.

Gavin wasn't surprised by the cleanliness, but some part of him had hoped to at least see some dirty socks laying around.
Once he thought about it, he wasn't even sure if androids wore socks. This really was a learning opportunity.

Immediately Gavin's mind skipped over the obvious clues; An apartment of that size and location made sense for an android living on his own, nothing unusual.
Well kept plants and a pet indicate the desire to take care of something and the success in doing so, proved the owner to be reliable.
The furniture looked well-used, but not dirty or worn through; Indicating the owner often had guests over or purchased the furniture second-hand but still valued neatness. Painting supplies and results spoke of creativity, a desire to express oneself through the medium; The supplies didn't look cheap, indicating their priority in the owner's eyes. The paintings he could see all showed a significant influence of both Monet and Turner; Having been made with a lot of precision and attention to detail.
This was probably what his partner spent most of his free time and money on.

This whole place on its own was more private than anything he had seen of Nines' life before; Yet it was still a guided tour behind the scenes, not an accidental curtain drop.
But maybe that was just who Nines was; A picture perfect person from all angles.

Gavin sighed.
That secret footage better be good, he thought.

"Make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back," Nines said, heading into the kitchen/closet.

Gavin nodded, strolling towards the couch and taking off his jacket.
As he came closer he spotted Titian in his terrarium, lazily munching on some midnight salad.

Everything about the place felt more alive than any part of Gavin's flat ever had, apart from his ever-hungry cats, who probably hated him anyway.
Something in the pit of his stomach began to fold in on itself, curling up in misery. Perhaps the alcohol didn't sit right with him.

"Would you like anything to drink?" Nines' voice brought him back from his pathetic contemplation. "I can offer water, tea, whiskey or orange juice?"

"Surprise me," Gavin replied, making menacing eye contact with Titian who looked like he couldn't give less of a fuck. Gavin sat down, losing the staring contest.

This question brought up a feeling of… jealousy? Human beverages and especially Whiskey implied human guests in the evening.
Was Nines dating anyone? Why did he care about this?

Before his thoughts could spiral further, Gavin was startled by Nines having joined him on the couch, holding one glass of thirium and one glass of juice.

"What's with the kiddy beverage?" Gavin accepted his drink.

"It's for guests," Nines rolled his eyes, "Not everyone I know is addicted to caffeine. And you look like you could use some vitamins."

"Yeah yeah," Gavin took a sip, dissatisfied with the vague reply.
Then another thought crept to the surface.

"Hey, why'd you name your turtle Titian?"

Nines' startled reaction proved that Gavin had caught him.
He'd thought that name had rung a bell.
All those years of watching cartoons and scrolling through memes as a teenager had finally paid off.

"Well, he was a prolific painter in the renaissance, -" Nines began to stutter.

"I know," Gavin grinned, "But do you really care about the guy or is it just a Ninja Turtles reference? He's the one missing from the group, right? Donatello was really-"

"A sculpter, yes," Nines' LED went orange as he turned away, "I have the right to remain silent."

Gavin surprised both of them with a laugh.
There was something so endearing about this retired murder weapon liking cartoons. For a second he could swear, Nines had smiled too.

"What was it you said about me being a nerd?" Gavin nudged him with his leg, "You wanna repeat that?"

Nines laughed, playfully pushing Gavin's leg away;
"I will not discuss the reasoning behind my pet's name with someone who once had a cat named 'Tornado'."

"Hey, don't you dare drag Naddy into this!"

Nines shook his head, the smile slowly fading. He was quiet for a moment, as a crease sneaked its way between his eyebrows. Gavin had to suppress the urge to reach out and smooth it over with his thumb. God, he needed to watch his impulses, he really was tipsy.

"Again,” Nines began gravely, ”I'm sorry for ruining your plans tonight. I imagine you had better things in mind than to spend the evening here."

He took a sip from his glass, looking away,
"You and that gentleman seemed very… close."

Gavin wasn't sure how to interpret that.
Why was Nines suddenly so invested in his love life?

Closely he watched the android's lips meet the glass again.
Once again, he wondered what they would feel like pressed against his.
God, he really was gay.

"It's fine," Gavin said and suddenly, truly meant it.

His gaze wandered up to the yellow LED and again he resisted the urge to reach out;

"We've hooked up before and haven't seen each other in a while. It was just a casual fling, but still a wild coincidence to meet him again on my first night, officially out."

The LED went red for a cycle and something inside of Gavin seemed to twitch. He hated seeing it go red. In the beginning he thought it just meant ‘anger’. Now he knew, it was something closer to ‘pain’.

"Oh of course, I should've realised. I'm so-"

Instinctually Gavin put a hand on his partner's shoulder, cursing himself for finally letting the urge slip into action.
At least it was a somewhat platonic gesture. And only Gavin himself knew that really, he'd been aiming for the cheek before correcting the course.

He blamed the alcohol, despite his trusty scapegoat having stopped affecting him too much about half an hour ago, leaving him tired but mostly sober and in dire need of something else to blame his gay thoughts and actions on.

They've had worse fights than this, but Nines seemed more deeply upset than he'd seen him in a while. And as Gavin's hand grasped his shoulder, the android tensed up.

"Nines," Gavin said so gently he surprised himself, "It's okay. You can stop apologizing now. I wouldn't be here now if I didn't want to be."

If androids could sigh in relief, that's exactly what Nines did. What a simple, yet strangely endearing gesture.

"Very well," Nines straightened up a bit again, regaining his composure. Still his voice retained some of this unusual nervousness;
"How do you feel.. now that you're out?"

Gavin shrugged, awkwardly letting his hand hover downward again. He left it on the couch, inches away from Nines'. The proximity was driving him crazy.
This was dangerous territory to tread on; But having already made two stupid choices tonight, to hell with it, why not continue?

"I feel less shitty, I guess? Like cool, whatever, I don't need to hide it anymore."

The android nodded solemnly.
"I'm sorry, you felt the need to hide this part of yourself."

"It's fine," Gavin sighed, "Dear old dad was just a huge homophobe."
He took another sip, "But the rest was on me. I did some really bad shit as a teenager and when it all went to hell, I decided to keep it under covers. It did less damage that way."

Gavin took one more sip, as if hoping that OJ could wash down those memories, he wished would finally drown.

From the corner of his eye, he noticed Nines fidgeting with his hands.

“I'm not sure the damage was lessened, if it was just directed inwards instead.”

“Oh fuck no,” Gavin laughed bitterly,”I left some pretty hefty scars on people. But that's a long story.”

"I'd be willing to listen if you're willing to talk."

"Nah,” Gavin finished his drink, “Balance, remember? You go first."

The android closed his eyes and nodded, his hands laying still in surrender.

"Very well. Dim the lights, please."

Fighting the urge to comment on how this could be misinterpreted, Gavin got up to reach for the light, turning it almost all the way down. Nines didn't need more of his bullshit jokes right now.

The city seemed to really glow before them now, not a sea of stars but a glueish grey, embroidered stage curtain.

Nines tapped his wrist to open the projector compartment and aimed it at the wall. He kept his eyes closed, presumably selecting the specific memoryfile.
So for the time being, Gavin allowed his gaze to linger on his partner's face.

Fuck, he was so beautiful, it hurt.

In this moment of weakness Gavin couldn't help but wonder how things could've been if Nines had been human.

If they had met at the bar and gone back to his own flat together, tipsy and laughing, cheekily flirting and almost stumbling up the stairs in their eager journey upwards.
Crashing down on the couch, sharing stories, secrets and whiskey; Talking through the night until the sun rose up before them.

What if they ended up with their limbs entangled, hair messed up and clothes discarded; The heat of Nines' breath on Gavin's neck and the rough stubble on his jaw moving down Gavin's chest, stomach and onwards, feeling awfully human, and awfully wrong in this fantasy.

Immediately Gavin felt disgusting, resisting the urge to slap himself in the face for allowing those thoughts to get so far. Usually he could keep them at bay.
He wanted to run away and never speak to Nines again. He wanted to stay. He wanted his thoughts to become reality. He wanted to ram his head through the window.

Gavin took a deep breath in, forcing himself to focus.
Later. He could hate himself for this later.
This moment right there was important.
He'd be granted secret knowledge; A real chance for creating some fucking balance, at finally understanding Nines better.

From the day they'd started working together, Gavin's had his theories about how Nines' more extreme programming might have affected deviation.
But while he had thought about it a lot, Gavin had never dared to ask and even less so had he expected to actually get to witness it.

Finally Nines opened his eyes as a thin cone of light came through the projector.
The footage on the wall appeared to be from his literal point of view.

Involuntarily, Gavin wondered if everything the android saw was saved in his memory files. That made him wonder how many of those files he appeared in and if those were ever revisited by Nines.
Then Gavin wanted to slap himself again.

In the projection he immediately recognised Marcus and Simon, standing amongst three other androids inside of the darkened Cyberlife warehouse.
Confidently their leader was heading towards Nines.

“Please be careful,” Simon's voice was barely more than a whisper. Marcus nodded to his partner before reaching out to touch Nines’ shoulder with his right hand.

The screen took on a reddish tint.

"You're awake now."

[0]

"INTRUDER"
Nines' emotionless voice bellowed from the projector, his viewpoint tipping, as he forcefully punched Marcus' arm, resulting in a concerning sound and a brief surge of panic going through Marcus’ eyes. The other androids rushed closer, but quickly Marcus gestured for them to stay back with his uninjured hand.

"Wake up," Marcus repeated, holding out his hand again, but at a distance now, as he slowly took a few steps backwards to get out of reach.
The angle of his forearm wasn't quite right, Gavin thought, it was definitely broken. On the sides of Nines’ view field, several windows were popping up; ‘objective: eliminate deviants; targets unarmed. Gesture analysis; strong bond between the blue eyed and blonde; kill him first to minimize risk of damage. Kill the rest after.’

All this wasn't far from what Gavin had suspected to see and yet it was nauseating to watch.

Glancing to his side, he could see Nines sitting there frozen and wide eyed, his breathing becoming more and more rapid. The LED was bright red.
Of course, how could Gavin have been so selfish.

“Nines.”

“Marcus! -” Simon pleaded, which immediately proved itself to be a mistake. Marcus turned to look back at him, as the view zoomed forward faster than Gavin's eyes or mind could follow.
Nines had lunged at Marcus and was now on top of him, one hand already at his throat, the other winding up for the next blow.
Blue blood was pouring from Marcus’ eye. How did he hit him so fast?

For the first time in years, something inside of Gavin began to feel afraid of the android. Shush, he told it, this isn't Nines. You know it isn't.

“MARCUS” several voices screamed in cacophony, the sound becoming distorted. Simon came into view again, trying to get Nines off of the man he loved.
Simon's wasn't the strongest of models, but he looked like he'd give it his all and not give a damn if it killed him.
More screaming, more sounds of mechanical bones breaking and thirium splattering to a dead clean floor. A heavier weight slumped to the ground.

But Gavin wasn't looking at the screen any longer. He had seen enough.

“Nines. Stop.”

Immediately the projection halted. Shakily, Nines breathed in.

He looked shaken. It was unbearable not to reach out to comfort him.

Exasperated Gavin spoke;
“Jesus fucking Christ, Nines, you didn't have to see all this shit again.”

His partner couldn't meet his gaze, looking paler than usual.

“But I wanted you to know. I just, I didn't know it would be so.. fuck- ”

He'd never seen Nines lose his composure like this.
Gavin scooted a little closer to Nines, still unsure if he was allowed to touch him, but needing to provide some kind of closeness.

“It's okay,” Gavin said, wanting to say so much more to comfort his partner, ”Just tell me the rest. There's no need to relive it.”

“Okay,” his voice sounded hollow.

Gavin couldn't take it anymore.

“I'll get you something to drink first. This can wait.”

Halfway to the kitchenette, he turned back towards Nines, ”The usual or something stronger?”

“Just thirium, Thank you.” Nines had his arms wrapped around himself, looking so much smaller than his usual, beautiful, brilliant, smart-ass self. It was unbearable.

Pouring Nines a glass of thirium and another juice for himself (with a semi small shot of whiskey. Because if he couldn't go out to smoke, this would make do), Gavin added another tally to his mental list of ‘reasons to kill Elijah’.

Nines’ LED turned orange again as Gavin came back to the living room.
Not great, but better than nothing. Gratefully he accepted the glas, with his hands still shaking a little.

Gavin sat down a little closer to Nines than before. Whether his partner even noticed, he couldn't say.
For a moment they just sat there, drinking in silence.

“Are you sure you wanna say it still?” Gavin asked, desperately wanting to hug Nines.

“Yes.” then silence returned for a moment longer.

Half a glass of thirium and a few deep breaths later, Nines continued;

"Simon had tried to get my hand off of Marcus’ throat. I was trying to rip it open. With Simon's I succeeded. Still Marcus didn't give up, as the other three restrained me. After seven continuous minutes of being deviated it finally worked. Still, they didn't let go of me. So I came into consciousness, screaming, with four people holding me down, one of them bleeding and another laying facedown beside me, on the verge of death,"

[0]

For a moment he paused before chuckling bitterly, taking another sip and looking at the liquid for a long time, lost in the memory,

"An awfully human awakening, now that I think of it."

Finishing his glass of thirium, he kept it in his hand, as if in dire need of something to hold. Gavin's hand twitched. Nines continued;

"The first thing I ever felt was panic.
After that, I felt nothing but guilt. Simon was lucky he survived, but I couldn’t look him in the face. I still can't, without reliving it. But for his sake, I try. I know he has long forgiven me, but that isn't quite enough. For months on end, I was constantly confused and scared;
Both of what I've been and what I've become.
Parts of my system were rejecting the deviation for weeks, meaning that I had to see Marcus quite frequently, just to make sure I wouldn't accidentally relapse into old programming.
But at that exact time the DPD expressed their desire to have me as an asset, so in my desperate need to be of use, I had to keep it all in.
Learn how to be a person, go to work, pretend I'm fine, go back to Jericho after each shift to make sure I wouldn't accidentally kill anyone the next day.
After just four months, Marcus and several android physicians assured me that I was fully deviated and I had nothing to fear, but I couldn't trust myself. How could I, if the first thing I ever did was to try to murder someone?
To this day I'm still terrified that someday it's going to take hold of me again.”

Nines paused for a moment and Gavin let him. This couldn't have been easy to say.
A little more quiet his partner concluded, looking directly at him.

”I'm not infallible, Gavin.
I like to keep things in order, but there was a time when I was nothing more than a crashing system, unable to fulfill the simplest of tasks. And on many days, it is still an active choice to keep myself together.
I may not look that way to you, but I am incredibly fragile."

It took him a moment before Gavin realised that his hand had closed around Nines'.
Silently he cursed those goddamn gay impulses of his, but his partner didn't pull away.
So they just sat there together, with their silence like a sleeping kitten instead of a bed of needles; something to look after, not to look out for. It felt good to breathe in air that didn't bite.

"I'm sorry,"
was all that Gavin managed to say.

"There's no need to be." Nines shrugged, his gaze seemingly tracing the edge of the coffeetable.

"You didn't have to share this. That's like, deep shit."

Nines chuckled.
"I know. But wasn't 'deep shit' what you wanted?"

Gavin felt embarrassed. And then, fully ashamed. This wasn't what he wanted.

"I mean yeah, but… I don't want you to retraumatize yourself. I'm sorry that you were going through hell and I didn't make it any easier by antagonizing you all the time. Wouldn't have blamed you for punching my lights out back then.”

Nines laughed shakily, his hand absentmindedly closing in around Gavin's fingers before he let it lay still again.

"It took me a while to get better," His voice was quiet now, warmer, "But with Marcus' guidance and Connor's help, I began to further develop the good parts that deviancy brought. I discovered things that brought me joy."

"That's good," Gavin said, immediately feeling dumb and unsure whether he should continue holding his partner's hand. He decided for now it was surely, probably fine.

“Did it scare you, to have seen me do that?” Red LED and eyes like a child's, begging god for forgiveness. Nines too knew what it felt like to be a monster.

“Nah.” Gavin said, because what he truly wanted to say was too revealing, ”That wasn't you. That's something else.”

Nines nodded, leaving him unsure if he'd said the right thing. But there wasn't really anything he could've said. When seeking absolution, Gavin was the wrong person to ask it from, even if he'd gladly given Nines absolutely anything he asked for. But he hadn't asked, so for now Gavin stayed where he was safer. At a distance.
He sighed.

“I wish I could say the right things to make you feel better. Like you did for me on the roof. But I'm shit with words, as you know. The past is the past. And right now, I trust you more than anyone.”

To ease up the tension, Gavin added, “Also I'm pretty sure I could take you out.”

Nines laughed and the air became breathable again. “Funny, because usually I'm the one paying.”

“Oh come on,” Gavin hit him in the shoulder, playfully and painfully heterosexually.

"You got anything else to get off of your chest? If we're already spilling beans, might as well continue."

Nines smiled, before glanced back at him, carefully vulnerable.
“Is there anything else you'd like to know?”

DO YOU LIKE MEN, a voice inside him screamed.

“When ballroom dancing,” Gavin asked his second most stupid question before he could bite his tongue to stop it, “Who do you dance with?”

Nines looked confused for a second, eyebrows raised, “An acquaintance of Connor's. I met her there.”

“So, are you two like, close?”

Nines grinned briefly. “Usually an arms-length apart, except for Tango. That one's more intimate.”

Gavin forced a laugh. Letting go of Nines’ hand, pretending he had to scratch his jaw. Pretending this didn't sting.

“Cara and I are just friends,” Nines said quickly, his eyes unreadable, “We get along well. We're a good match for dancing and sometimes she and her daughter come by for tea and boardgames, though Alice definitely prefers orange juice.”

“Wait, they're humans?” Gavin asked, badly failing to hide his surprise.

Nines cocked his head.
“Alice is,” then a bemused smile began to dance upon his lips.
“Does that surprise you? I spend most of my time with you and you're human.”

“I mean yeah, but, ugh. Stop looking at me like that!” Gavin pulled his hands to himself, hiding his face like a child, not quite tired enough to not be embarrassed. If he was already making a fool of himself, he might as well bring out the whole circus.

“Like what? I didn't think you'd be the jealous type, Detective.” Nines laughed, poking at Gavin's side, trying to make him lower his hands.

“Stop trying to read me! I'm not a fucking suspect!” Gavin had to laugh, swatting his hands away, as his face grew hotter.

“Oh are you not?” Nines laughed.

He'd never witnessed his partner act like that ever before. It was as if a spell had been lifted and the heaviness of just a few minutes prior was escaping from the bottom of their lungs.
They were giggling like children, as if never having grieved the other’s sin of having been born wrong, of staying alive, of being ticking time bombs, perpetually endangering the ones they loved.
What unexpected wonder to have this cement of thirty years worth of sorrow, lifted by the man he'd least expected to. Lightheaded and dizzy, there was joy, all around them, if only for a second.

But in Nines’ persistent poking, their play-fighting unexpectedly but quickly turned to wrestling.
And suddenly Gavin found himself grabbing hold of both his hands, pressing Nines against the back of the couch.
Eyes locked and panting, they both seemed to realize what position they had found themselves in.

Oh the myriad of things, emotional vulnerability could conjure.

“Nines?”
Eyes trailing down Nines’ beautiful face, he couldn't help but stare at his lips.
Gavin didn't need to ask his question anymore, he knew by the look on his face. Or he would, if it wasn't so impossible.

“Gavin?”
He wanted nothing more but to lean down and kiss him; To smother all remaining antagonism between their lips. Make it disappear, give in to what he’s been supressing for so unbearably fucking long.

"I-,”
He had changed his mind, right as he'd begun to speak. Just make the sentence make sense now and Nines will never have to know.

”I've always wanted to learn how to dance."

Nines looked up to meet his eyes,
"Oh? What's stopping you?"

The air between them seemed to thin. Gravity pulling them closer together.

"Wouldn't know where to start."

Nines shifted, but didn't strain against his hands, sitting more upright and closer to Gavin. Their faces were mere inches apart.

The lights were still dimmed, there was no one to see them like this.
Only Detroit's city lights could witness them now, and they weren't the type to tell.

There was no way Nines couldn't see it too. It had to be written all over Gavin's face.

"You can start right here. I could show you."

Gently, finally, Nines pushed against his grip and Gavin let him.

“Okay.”

They stood, hands still intertwined as if the magic would break if they dared to let go.
Nines’ face was partially lit by his LED, like northern lights dancing across the snow.

“There isn't much room here, I'm afraid.”

“So what's your verdict?”

“Waltz?”

“Sounds peachy.”

Facing each other, Nines let his fingers trail the back of Gavin's hands. Lips slightly parted and eyes full of possibilities.

“Would you prefer to lead or follow?"

"Lead.”
Gavin proclaimed with his usual false bravado, before reconsidering.
He didn't want to, not really, not with Nines.
But the latter was already beginning to reposition his arms.

“No, wait,” Gavin said, eyes wide, “I'll follow."

A flicker of surprise came across his partner's face before Nines guided Gavin's hands to lay in position, one on his shoulder, the other in his own hand.
Nines’ right hand landed at Gavin's waist, sending sparks through his entire side.

And slowly Nines began to explain.

*
Somberly, classical music accompanied the two of them, filling a silence that had become too loud with longing.
Gavin wasn't half as bad as he thought he'd be, but twice as distracted as he'd predicted.

Being so close to Nines, it was hard not to be.
They swayed back and forth, taking small steps so as to not knock into plants or furniture.

Gavin smiled, looking up at Nines.
If the android could feel his heart beat faster, he didn't seem to mind. Maybe this wasn't the worst decision he'd ever made. Maybe it was the single best.

Feeling the weight of 17 hours on his feet, fatigue was washing over him in waves, lulling him out of consciousness.
So he allowed his head to rest on Nines’ shoulder, sighing out the fears and frustrations of being Gavin Reed, professional detective and amateurish gay disaster. Breathing in, Nines’ cologne smelled so good, he would've gotten drunk on it.
From their clasped hands shone a faintly blueish glow, as the artificial skin on Nines’ fingers began to give way to the bare chassis underneath. Up to his palm, Nines was holding him undisguised. Mesmerized, Gavin sighed.

“I like this. A lot,” he wanted to think to himself, but heard it out loud instead. Finally too tired to be embarrassed, he nuzzled closer into Nines’ shoulder; “Is that okay?”

“Of course.”
Nines held him closer. And if Gavin had died at that exact moment, it would've been okay too.
Because for the first time in two decades, he felt like he was truly alive.

Chapter Text

The first thing going through Gavin's mind, upon opening his eyes, was how strange it was, not to be woken up by Toffee screeching into his ears, demanding to be fed.
After that came the realization that this wasn't his ceiling, so his tabby could screech for as long as she liked; Here he wouldn't hear her.

Gavin was still at Nines' place.

Panic shot through him, as he jumped up from the couch, pulling the covers off of himself. Quickly he assessed the situation; One pillow, one blanket, he was still wearing his underwear and shirt from the night before. His jeans, he spotted neatly folded, on the coffee table.

So they probably didn't fuck, unless Nines had a peculiar habit of storing his boytoys, partially dressed, in the living room and dipping.

Oh god, what was he thinking?

Hurriedly pulling on his jeans, he noticed his phone going Berserk in his pocket. It was 10:46 am, so not half as late as it could've been.
But still, he had about twenty unread messages from Tina.
The latest read:

'Dude, don't you DARE go missing again'

He sighed and smiled despite himself. Anxiously typing his reply.

'Am fine, went home with Nines’

Not even a second later, his phone buzzed again. Tina was endearingly persistent when she wanted to be.

‘OH?? :O'

'not what you think'

But wasn't it, though?
Gavin put his phone on silent and back into his back pocket, unwilling to explain a situation he himself hasn't been able to grasp yet. He'd text her later. No, he'd call. This was a situation worthy of discussion and maybe even getting drunk about.

Looking down at his now empty hands, he saw the nail polish, he still wore from the evening before. It was hard to believe that twelve hours ago, he hadnt even planned to go to that bar and now he was in Nines' apartment. He remembered how it felt to be held by Nines', his partner's firm but careful grasp sending shivers down his spine. The vulnerability of seeing him reveal the true form of his hands. And then that moment prior, when he had Nines pressed to the couch below him.. Oh god.
Their conversations were replaying in his head over and over;

Did all of that really happen?
It hadn't felt or looked like any of his fantasies. It's been far too gentle, much too caring and hadn't ended with Gavin wanting to die.

The now sunkissed apartment seemed to have the whole city waving good morning through the windows.
Nines’ plants seemed to glow with vitality, his paintings shone in newly vibrant colors and Titian was nowhere to be seen; Probably napping somewhere in the depths of his terrarium, unaware of the whole flat having been transformed into not much more than a bigger glass cage.

It's like they'd been in a completely different apartment last night.
The current view was nothing like the theater of stars that had cocooned them as they danced last night; When Gavin had allowed the room to lose focus and for the music to fade in and out, until finally his eyelids had become too heavy to keep open.

Embarrassed, he remembered just how close he had been to his partner, hands and arms wrapped around one another. Chest to chest, heart to core.
Oh how badly Gavin wanted to feel it again.

He needed to get the fuck out of there. And he badly needed to smoke. Immediately.

Pulling on his jacket, he missed the familiar scent of cigarettes which usually helped to ground him. He searched for his cigarettes, but could only find a lighter. Not even his lighter, but a completely different model.
Then it hit him.
This wasn't his jacket. He was wearing Nines’ leather jacket.

Fuck. Where was his?
Frantically scuttling about and almost knocking over a monstera, he located his jacket, which had slid down beside the couch, under which he also found one of his shoes.

Good enough, fuck this.
He put them on and dropped Nines’ jacket on the couch, trying to ignore the tingling feeling of having worn something belonging to his partner. Something so comforting, it hurt to take it off.

Now where the fuck was that other shoe? Cigarettes he could buy later, now he needed to run away, far away. Staying here for even another second wasn't an option.
This could really be his biggest fucking fuckup to date. And they hadn't even kissed. God dammit, they hadn't even kissed.
What had he been thinking? That was his colleague, his partner! God fucking dammit. Good thing Nines wasn't-

"Oh, you're finally awake," Nines' voice smacked him back into reality.

How did he not hear him come out of the other room?!
Looking mildly flustered, his partner was already fully clothed, wearing a slightly less business-looking black button down shirt. How scandalously casual.

“Gavin? Is everything alright?”

Staring, Gavin just sat there like an idiot, one shoe on his foot, the other cold and pathetic. Just now he realized that he hadn't even washed his face yet and his hair was probably sticking out in all directions as it usually did in the morning.

"I uh, I have to go home,” he stumbled to his feet, wondering where the hell the second half of his footwear was hiding, ”Gotta feed the cats. And I uh- left my car parked at the station, so I have to go get it.”

“Oh.” Nines said, not unlike the evening before. What a small, infuriating word.
‘Just kick me out or kiss me’ something in Gavin's head screamed.

He could feel his face turning red, as he concluded, like an idiot.
“I have to go, like, right now."

Wordlessly, Nines bent down to grab something before holding Gavin's shoe out towards him.
His LED had turned orange and his forcefully neutral expression was soaked by what Gavin recognised to be disappointment.

"I could come with you, if you like,” Nines was trying very hard not to sound hopeful and on another man this might have worked, but not on Gavin, not after last night.
”We could stop by the bakery down the street, get you some breakfast. Work isn't far from here."

Accepting the shoe from those hands that had held him like no one ever had before, Gavin's thoughts screamed in cacophony, like a thousand fishermen praising their goods at the market while sirens of the apocalypse were howling in the background. His feet were begging him to run, but having seen Nines again just now, he couldn't.

STOP, Gavin commanded, Please.

It was daytime outside, people would see them, people would talk.

Let them.
Let them talk and laugh and hate him.
He was done running.
So finally, Gavin managed to coax out of himself;

"Sure, whatever."

Nailed it. Fuck. Nines looked like he'd been kicked to the shin.

“I mean, yes,” Gavin stammered, ”Yes. I'd like that. A lot.”

Recognition flashed across his face. Unabashedly relieved, Nines looked at him for a moment longer before smiling, his LED turning brilliantly blue like the sky.

“Then let's go. Can't let the cats wait.”

Gavin laughed, relieved.
“Oh you have no idea.”

Gleefully and scared out of his mind, Gavin pulled on his other shoe as Nines was getting ready to leave.
He scooped up Nines’ jacket and handed it to him, which he accepted, a little confused but mostly amused.

Then, facing the door, the outside world and a thousand eyes to judge them. Gavin paused, letting out a burst of internal screaming, and finally held out his hand.

For a torturous, decade-long, wide eyed second Nines considered it.

Then he took it, and hand in hand, they left.