Work Text:
On the fridge in the 1A dorms, sits a list. In the beginning it was a post it note.
Now it is fifteen sheets of A4 paper.
Aizawa needs a raise.
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1. Do NOT say "break a leg" to Midoriya. He will do it, and I think Recovery Girl was foaming in the mouth the last time I had to take him to the infirmary.
2. Monopoly is banned. Uraraka, please stop replying to Business Class emails with smiley faces. They're scared. How did you even manage to make them play with you?
3. Todoroki, just because Midoriya looks up to All Might, doesn't mean they're related. Please take down the theory board in the kitchen.
4. What do you mean you think Shinsou is my kid? I'm t h i r t y. Shinsou is 15. Do you think I had a child at 15?
5. Yaomomo, you are a blessing. Please keep buying those coffee beans from Columbia. I will give you A's for the rest of the year.
6. Todoroki, do not give your father's credit card to Uraraka.
7. Uraraka, why did you feel the need to buy a life size lego space ship? Just get a small one?
8. Todoroki, when Izuku says he wants Netflix, he wants an ACCOUNT. Not the company.
9. Anyway, all of you have free access to Netflix.
10. Do not encourage Dark Shadow. She isn't a cat, and while she's cute, it gives people heart attacks when they wake up at 3:27am with her purring in their faces.
11. Jiro, stop hitting Mineta with your guitar. You'll be sad when it breaks.
12. Mineta, so help me God, I will expel you.
13. Mineta has been expelled. Sorry it took me so long, his mother is on the school board.
14. Iida, stop acting high and mighty. I've known you since you were two. You tried to commit murder last month.
15. Kaminari, stop T-posing in doorways at 4am.
16. The dorms aren't haunted.
17. What the fuck do you mean that MIDORIYA'S haunted?
18. His quirk is haunted. Of course it fucking is. Midoriya, tell your ghosts to stop telling you the answers to math tests and to stop calling Endeavour a 'punk ass bitch'.
18a. Never mind, I've been made aware that Endeavour is a flaming asswipe of a human. The ghosts can do what they like as long as it doesn't damage anyone.
19. No one except Satou, Jiro, Bakugou and Midoriya are allowed in the kitchen.
20. Whoever dressed Eri as a princess, you have my eternal gratitude. Whoever gave her glitter, watch your fucking backs. I have glitter in my hair.
21. So help me God, Kirishima, stop referring to using your quirk as getting hard. Please.
22. Aoyama, why do you have so much cheese?
23. No one is allowed to watch Marley & Me. I don't think Kouda will ever recover.
24. Midoriya, you are part demon and the demon part comes from your mother. How did you forget to mention that your mother is renound criminal lawyer Midoriya Inko, who made All For One cry?
25. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE MARRIED AND HE'S YOUR FATHER?
26. Todoroki, put the fucking pen down.
27. No, you cannot bring Shigaraki to the dorms for family day. He tried to m u r d e r us.
28. That doesn't mean bring him in on normal days.
29. Whoever snuck in 16 cats, I just wanna talk.
30. Fine, we can keep the cats because they made Eri smile.
31. Mina, stop putting jars of acid in the oven. And please, tell me why you felt you had to.
32. Apparently no one ever had the sex talk with Todoroki. Tooru, please do not tell him things like "the birds and the bees fell in love". He is astoundingly literal, he has been trying to see bird-bee hybrids for four days, has walked into seven lamp posts and keeps mumbling about a government conspiracy to hide them.
33. Midoriya, why do you know Pro-Hero Hawks? And why is he cuddling you on the sofa?
34. Okay so we have a resident bird. Hawks, please don't eat mice in front of Kouda, he will cry. Or Nedzu either, bc i don't know what species he is but I don't want to give him incentive to eat humans.
35. Momo, do not give Nedzu tea. He is a feral little bastard with a tie, he will take over the world for you for tea bags.
36. Todoroki, while I understand why, please refrain from leaving gifts of tea for Nedzu, with notes asking him to end your father's career. I will never be able to forget the laugh I heard from his office.
37. If you hear Nedzu laugh, hide. If you hear Nedzu laugh with a) Midoriya, b) Hatsume Mei, or c) Monoma Neito (who all apparently know each other and are friends?????), accept your fates.
38. Stop using Todoroki as a grill. Yes he can heat things up but the poor boy smells of chicken constantly and I think Hawks wants to eat him.
39. Bakugou, stop exploding stuff. I'm also surprised it took this far for it to have to be put on here.
40. Whoever told Uraraka about the weird men online who buy peoples underwear, I hope you know I'm going to hunt you for sport.
41. Uraraka, you are a child, you cannot sell stuff to weird old men online.
42. Are you blackmailing me with this for use of Todoroki's credit card?
43. Disregard rule 6. Just please, Uraraka, save what innocence you have left.
44. Whoever showed Bambi to Kouda, I'm going to expel you.
45. In case that wasn't clear, don't show him Fox and the Hound either.
46. Aristocats is acceptable but you're on thin fucking ice.
47. Whoever told Iida that coffee would make him go faster, I hope you pay for your sins.
48. Please stop chanting Latin whenever you see Kendo. She's afraid of you and she's the only one of these two classes that have sense.
49. Shinsou, welcome to the Hell Class.
50. Whoever started a cult for the ghosts that haunt Midoriya, stop it. They're getting full of themselves.
51. Midoriya is not allowed outside unaccompanied. He is also not allowed to go outside with Iida and/or Todoroki (see: The Hosu Incident), Bakugou (have you met them?), or Hatsume Mei.
52. Mina, why did you invite Toga to the dorms? She is a villain. I really hope that's nail polish she painted your nails with. It's an alarming shade of red.
53. What do you mean she's an abused kid?
54. I'm taking Toga to Nedzu, Eri thinks she's cool and Toga cried when I offered to find her a blood bag from the infirmary. She told me about her family.
55. On an entirely unrelated note, I will be off campus for a few days, Kayama-sensei will be watching you. I may or may not be dragging Toga Kakami and Toga Hisako by the hair to court.
56. Toga is now part of 1A. Be nice to her. Toga, you are limited to one (1) knife, and don't stab people with it. The fuck do you mean you only get homicidal when you're starved? I'm going to go back and murder your parents. No, I won't starve you. You can have as much blood as you want, just please ask beforehand if you're drinking from your classmates.
57. Asui, stop hanging upside down off the ceiling and crocheting. I don't care if the scarf you made is cute, you're scaring people.
60. Satou, stress baking is good once in a while. But you made fifty seven blueberry muffins, one hundred and two brownies and a whole ass sponge cake. Have you considered going to see Hound Dog?
61. If someone is injured, go to a responsible adult. This does not include Present Mic, All Might, Cementoss or Nezu. If a responsible adult is not available, Momo and Kirishima are qualified first aiders.
62. Sero, stop trying to be spiderman. Yes the movies are cool, but please stop trying to reenact the Gwen falling scene with Mina. One day I worry you won't catch her and the events of the movie will actually happen.
63. Do not cook the crabs in the kitchen. They are Asui's pets she found in a pond.
64. Do not drop a knife into the tank for the crabs. I never want to see Steve and Fido waving knives at me again.
65. Do NOT invite the LOV into the dorms for Mario Kart night.
66. Actually, just don't play Mario Kart. You're all too competitive. Midoriya threw Sero out the window for blue shelling him, the game might be his villain origin story.
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Aizawa sighs and looks at the list, before he takes it down. He needs to have to bound as a notebook, the sheets are now hanging onto the floor.
He needs a fucking raise.