Chapter Text
It was an accident.
That didn’t stop Cas from getting the entire hallway refloored, or Dean and Kevin from going round the whole centre to look for other hazards, but really Balthazar only had himself to blame for being a clumsy idiot.
And really, it could have been much worse. The last time he took a tumble down a flight of stairs he had ended up with broken bones and a concussion. Admittedly that time Lucifer had been involved, and it definitely had not been an accident, but compared to that a shock of memories and a fucked up shoulder was nothing.
Benjamin disagreed, but then Balthazar was still fighting his way out of the past when Benjamin joined him at the bottom of the stairs and hadn’t quite managed to suppress his flinch when the beta knelt next to him. Benjamin drew back immediately, but the concern in his eyes only deepened.
“Easy, brother,” he rumbled. “Stay still. I’ve called Pam, and she’s on her way.”
His voice cut through the pain, and the ghosts of Lucifer’s twisted suspension system faded. As they did the agony in his shoulder flared to life, and Balthazar barely bit back a groan. He tried to curl in on himself, only for Benjamin to grip his good shoulder.
“No, no, don’t try to move. Don’t know what kind of damage you’ve done, but that was a nasty fall.”
Balthazar barely heard him. Pain was nothing new, and he had far worse, but it had been a while. It took him longer than it should have to breathe through the pain, and he sucked in a shaky breath.
“Residents?”
Benjamin gave a faint huff, but rubbed his thumb against Balthazar’s shoulder. “No one here but us. Not that anyone would think anything of it.”
He was probably trying to say something there, but Balthazar didn’t have the attention to spare to figure it out. Their residents had been through enough without seeing one of the people who was supposed to be taking care of them in such a state, and so he sucked in another breath and started to lever himself upright.
“Hey, slowly, brother.” He helped Balthazar sit up, but kept hold of him. “Let’s wait for Pam, now.”
Balthazar blinked blearily up at him. “What? Don’ need Pamela.” The world spun, and he squeezed his eyes shut. “Not broken. Can tell. Gimme a sec, an’ I’ll shove it back.”
Benjamin paused, and his grip tightened ever so slightly on Balthazar’s shoulder before he caught himself. “You’ll shove it back.”
“Done it before,” Balthazar mumbled. The wall he was leaning on would do nicely, but Benjamin was shaking his head.
“Why don’t we leave it to Pam this time?” he said, and under any other circumstance Balthazar would bristle at the gentleness in his voice, but with the pain had come nausea and dizziness and it was all he could do to keep his eyes open.
He really had gotten soft.
That thought jolted him back to alertness faster than the pain. His breathing hitched, and Benjamin squeezed his shoulder.
“Bal? Still with me?”
“Mm.” He forced the world to focus with sheer force of will, and raised his good hand to grip Benjamin’s. “Help me up.”
There was no point in sitting around and there was nothing wrong with his legs, but Benjamin’s frown deepened. “Not until Pam gets here,” he said. “I mean it,” he added, when Balthazar scowled. “Don’t know if you hit your head, or anything else, and I’m more scared of her than I am of you.”
“‘m fine,” Balthazar growled. “Know what a con…concussion feels like.”
“Yeah,” said Benjamin, with a sigh. “I know.”
Glaring was making his head hurt, and Balthazar let himself rest back against the wall. He probably could walk, he had plenty of times before and with worse injuries, but Benjamin wore the carefully professional mask he only ever wore in their more painful sessions and Balthazar didn’t have the heart to add to it. He squeezed his eyes shut.
“Be fine. Had worse.”
“I know that too,” said Benjamin softly. “But you don’t have to handle it all by yourself.”
His hand was a heavy weight on Balthazar’s shoulder, but somehow it didn’t register even slightly as a threat. Balthazar sighed. Some things were easier to understand than others.
Hurried footsteps had him jerking upright, and he immediately regretted it when the world spun. Bile rose in his mouth and he couldn’t quite suppress a groan and Benjamin swore under his breath, but then a cool hand rested on his forehead.
“Balthazar. I need you to take deep breaths.”
Pamela might be only a beta, but she was more commanding than most alphas Balthazar had known. He sucked in a breath, and Pamela hummed. “And again. Deep breaths, in and out. You’re fine.”
There was only absolute confidence in her voice, and Balthazar felt his racing heart settle as he breathed. His shoulder was still on fire, and everything ached, but he had had worse. He was fine.
“That’s better,” said Pamela. “Can you open your eyes so you can check your pupils?”
Arguing would be futile, but Pamela was very good. Her exam was quick but thorough, and if her eyes were still pinched when she finally sat back some of the tension had left her shoulders. “Well, I think you’ve managed to avoid a head injury this time,” she said. “Any chest pain?”
Balthazar shook his head. “Just the shoulder. You can set it now, probably be easier.”
Pamela stared at him, then at Benjamin, who just shook his head, and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I’ll set it in the infirmary, once you’ve taken some painkillers,” she said. “There’s no point Castiel paying for the place if you’re not going to use it.”
Balthazar’s stomach twisted in a way that had nothing to do with his injury. “No painkillers.”
Pamela’s eyes narrowed, but she subsided when Benjamin touched her arm. They exchanged another long look, then Pamela took a deep breath and looked back at Balthazar. “Can you stand?”
“Course I can,” Balthazar muttered. “Benjamin wouldn’t bloody let me.”
“At least one of you has some sense,” Pamela muttered.
Balthazar refused to dignify that with a response. He also refused to lean against the wall when his knees buckled, but Benjamin hooked a hand under his good elbow before he could do more than sway. Pamela’s lips pressed into a thin line.
“A couple of tablets would make this much more bearable.”
“No,” Balthazar repeated.
Pamela muttered something about being more cooperative with his stomach sliced open that Balthazar also chose to ignore. His shoulder throbbed with every breath, and walking was only going to be worse, but as long as he didn’t throw up it would be fine.
He didn’t throw up, but Benjamin was bearing far more of his weight than he would like by the time they made it to the infirmary. Balthazar did not collapse into the nearest chair, but only because Benjamin hadn’t let go of him.
“Okay?”
Balthazar just nodded. He didn’t trust himself to speak. Pamela pulled up a chair of her own and sat down. “Balthazar, I need to examine your shoulder.”
Balthazar swallowed his protest. She wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t necessary. Thankfully the infirmary was empty, and she had seen him in a worse state, and Benjamin knew all the gory details even if he hadn’t seen them all with his own eyes. It was really as good as it was going to get.
He still couldn’t summon the willpower to move.
“I know,” said Pamela softly. “But I need to see what I’m doing, and I need to make sure there’s no neurovascular damage.”
There was a faint roaring in his ears. Balthazar dug the nails of his good hand into his palm and used the fresh pain to ground himself. It took him a minute to find his voice.
“You’ll need to cut it off.”
He was not going to be able to get a turtleneck off by himself. Pamela just nodded and took a pair of tough-cuts from the first aid kit by her feet. Balthazar squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to think about the other people who had cut his clothes off him. Pamela was safe.
Pamela touched his arm and Balthazar jerked back so violently he nearly fell off his chair.
His shoulder did not like that. Pain and panic surged up and his stomach roiled and Balthazar vomited all over the floor. That triggered another wave of agony and more nausea, and Michael was standing over him and Lucifer was laughing and it was never ever going to stop-
“-not real.”
Michael ground his heel against Balthazar’s shoulder, and he had been ordered to keep quiet but a sob tore its way out anyway.
“You’re having a flashback.”
His shoulder burned, but the pain didn’t increase, not even when Michael bore down with his full weight.
“It’s not real, Balthazar. You’re in the infirmary, you’re safe. It’s not real.”
No one was touching him. Everything hurt, but no one was touching him.
“Balthazar. Open your eyes.”
The twins had never used his name. Balthazar forced his eyes open. A man, a beta, gave him a small smile from where he crouched well out of arm’s reach. “Okay,” he said. “It’s me, Benny. It’s just me and Pam. No one else is here, and you are safe.”
Balthazar took a deep breath, but not a single alpha scent hit his nose. The room was clean and brightly lit and smelled of cleaning products, and there was no sign of anyone else. Benjamin nodded.
“Can you name five things you see?”
Balthazar swallowed hard. His throat was raw and he could taste bile but he rasped out the first things he saw and Benjamin smiled.
“Good. Do you know where you are?”
“The centre,” Balthazar whispered. “The infirmary.” He swallowed again and eased himself back against the wall. He didn’t know when he had fallen to his knees, but everything hurt. “Sorry.”
“None o’ that, brother,” said Benjamin softly. His eyes searched Balthazar’s face. “Okay?”
Balthazar barked out a laugh that sounded bitter to his own ears. Pamela sat down on the ground next to Benjamin, and placed a bottle of water in between them. Balthazar took it with a grateful nod and sighed as he rinsed the vomit from his mouth. The mess on the floor had been covered with towels, and Balthazar fought the urge to clean it up.
Michael would have-
Balthazar wrenched his mind away before he could finish that thought. He flexed the fingers of his bad arm, and welcomed the fire that lanced up his shoulder.
“Balthazar.”
Pamela’s voice was decidedly strained, and Balthazar let his arm fall back to his side. She didn’t look any happier about that, but just folded her hands together on her lap.
“Is there anything we can do to make this easier?”
Balthazar could ask them to leave him to sort it himself, but it would be pointless. Part of him was glad for that. Instead he took a deep breath and eased himself off the wall. Benjamin stood quickly, but didn’t move closer until Balthazar nodded.
“Thanks,” he muttered.
“Any time,” said Benjamin. He helped Balthazar back on to the chair and hovered next to him. “If you want me to go…?”
He trailed off, but Balthazar shook his head. He couldn’t humiliate himself more than he already had. Pamela took her own seat again and leaned forward.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I probably could reduce your shoulder as you are, but there’s too great a chance I could miss something serious.” She paused. “I know your feelings on drugs, but if sedation-”
“No.”
Benjamin shifted, but Balthazar’s ears were ringing and his chest felt tighter and he couldn’t do that. Not now. Pamela bit her lip, but didn’t try to argue. “All right,” she said. She thought for a moment. “I could put music on? Ask Castiel to join us?”
“Absolutely not,” Balthazar snapped.
Cassie might the only alpha whose scent wouldn’t send him into a panic attack right now, but his worry, his fear, would be nearly as hard to bear. Benjamin was frowning though, and Balthazar sighed.
“Tell him after my shoulder’s back in,” he mumbled. “No point freaking him out.”
One of them in a state was quite enough. Benjamin nodded, and Balthazar took another deep breath. “Just do it.”
Pamela hesitated, but to his relief didn’t ask him if he was sure. She eased her chair forward, then paused. “May I touch you?”
She waited for him to nod before taking hold of his sleeve. Balthazar glared at the far wall, and focused all his attention on not flinching as the lower edge of the scissors brushed against his skin.
It wasn’t really anything like the other times. They had gripped him hard enough to leave bruises, and not cared when blades sliced flesh instead of fabric. The infirmary was cool, but not frigid enough to leave his fingers numb, and when he did shiver Pamela froze immediately.
“Sorry, I should have thought of that. Benny?”
“Right.”
He crossed the room to turn up the thermostat, and Balthazar relaxed even before the temperature started to rise. Pamela gave him a small smile. “Nearly done.”
Balthazar quirked an eyebrow, and the smile turned rueful. “Well. The first part is nearly done.”
“Lovely,” Balthazar drawled. Just to make everything perfect, his head was starting to throb in time with his arm and knees. “Keep going.”
With his sleeve already in pieces, the body of the jumper followed quickly. Balthazar was glad for the vest he wore, but it took every ounce of his considerable self-control to keep from hugging the remains close to cover at least some of his scars. He clenched his hands into fists and let Pamela draw the tattered fabric away.
“Okay,” she said. “Let’s see.”
Her attention remained wholly focused on his shoulder, and not for the first time Balthazar wondered how he had been lucky enough to find someone like her. Benjamin too hadn’t even glanced at his scars, and Balthazar had to look away when his eyes burned.
“Doesn’t look too bad,” Pamela murmured. She looked up. “May I test your motor function in your hand?”
Balthazar nodded, heart clenching, but though the tests were painful Pamela didn’t linger. Neurovascular tests followed, and Pamela finally sat back with open relief.
“No other damage,” she said. “We’ll reduce it, and you should only have to wear a sling for a couple of weeks.” She fixed him with a sharp look. “But no heavy lifting or sports for three months.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Balthazar muttered.
Pamela snorted, but her expression soon turned serious. “Balthazar,” she said, and Balthazar tensed at the edge in her voice. Everyone knew to listen when Pamela used that tone. “I will try to reduce it once without analgesia. Once. After that, I must insist you let me give you some pain relief.”
Balthazar opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Pamela leaned forward, her expression openly worried. “I understand why you don’t want it, I do, but the more tense you are the harder this will be, and this type of injury can cause permanent damage.”
Balthazar clenched his hands into fists to stop them shaking. “I’ve done it before.”
“Which is why your joints are a mess,” said Pamela bluntly. “I’ve seen your X-rays. I’m not going to make it worse.”
Balthazar glanced at Benjamin, but though his face was very grim he shook his head. “Sorry, brother,” he rumbled. “She’s the expert.” He paused. “You know we wouldn’t let anything happen to you.”
It took longer than it should have for Balthazar to nod. Pamela leaned forward. “You trusted me before, Bal,” she said gently. “I could have killed you, turned you over to the authorities, anything, and you let me help you then.”
That memory didn’t do anything for Balthazar’s nerves, but he said nothing. Pamela raised a hand and, when he didn’t flinch, touched his good arm. “You trust me with our residents,” she said. “Please, let me help.”
Balthazar didn’t want to. Nothing good ever happened when he didn’t have full control of himself.
But Pamela had helped him even when she didn’t have any reason to, and Benjamin had cried when he heard about the worst of it, and neither of them had ever done anything to make him doubt them.
“I can cope without them,” he muttered.
He couldn’t muster any of his earlier fire though, and Pamela visibly relaxed. “I know you can,” she said. “But you don’t have to.”
Balthazar didn’t know what he was supposed to say to that. Pamela squeezed his arm and straightened. “We’ll try a local injection to start with. If that doesn’t work we’ll try something stronger.”
Despite himself, Balthazar relaxed a little at that. A local anaesthetic wouldn’t leave him completely defenceless. He still couldn’t look at Pamela drawing up the drugs for fear of risking another panic attack, but Benjamin drew up a chair next to him and started talking about one of their more complicated residents, until Pamela rejoined them.
“Here,” she said, handing over an empty ampoule. “1% lidocaine, nothing else. It’ll take a few minutes to work, and if it doesn’t work we’ll try a brachial nerve block before any sedation.”
Balthazar was too tense to do more than nod, but Pamela understood. She sat down again and gave him a long look. “Ready?”
Balthazar looked away. If he saw the needle he would see every other needle, and there had been enough of that. He couldn’t help a flinch when Pamela touched his swollen shoulder, but the actual pain of the needle going in was lost in the fierce throbbing.
“Right,” said Pamela. “That’s done. We’ll give it a minute.”
Balthazar heard her stand to dispose of the needle, but kept his eyes on the ground. Benjamin’s chair creaked as he leaned forward. “Bal?”
Rather belatedly, Balthazar realised he was shaking. His throat still wasn’t working, but he shook his head. His head was pounding in time with his shoulder and he still felt sick and dizzy and he just wanted this to be over.
“Not much longer,” Benjamin murmured. He paused, and Balthazar could feel the weight of his gaze. “Y’know I’ve got a space in my calendar tomorrow.”
That probably wasn’t a bad idea, but Pamela spoke up before Balthazar could say anything, “Tomorrow he should be at home,” she called.
Balthazar looked up at that. “Why? I can do paperwork with one hand.”
He had wasted enough time on this stupid injury, but Pamela was staring at him and Benjamin was rubbing his temples and his already rebellious stomach twisted. “What?”
It came out a little sharper than he had intended, but his friends just exchanged a look he was too tired to interpret.
“Balthazar,” said Benjamin. “You have a dislocated shoulder. You should be off for at least a couple of weeks.”
“I’d sign off up to a month,” said Pamela. Her eyes were sparking, and her hands had clenched into fists. “And only light duties for another month after that.”
Balthazar did not remind them of the kind of work he had been expected to perform with far worse injuries. They knew, and it certainly wasn’t a bad thing that they thought differently, but it didn’t change anything.
“I am not sitting at home when there’s work to be done,” he said.
Pamela drew herself up, but Benjamin caught her eye and shook his head. “Think that local should have kicked in by now.”
It wouldn’t be the end of the matter, but Pamela immediately refocused. “Right. Bal, is it okay if Benny assists?”
Balthazar frowned, and looked at Benjamin. “Are you all right with that?”
Benjamin’s specialty was psychiatry, not orthopaedics, and Balthazar knew Pamela had plenty of assistants but the thought of anyone else seeing him like this made his stomach turn. Benjamin glanced at Pamela.
“What would you need me to do?”
“Just brace him if I ask you to,” said Pamela. “I should be able to do the manipulation myself, but we’ll stop and readjust if it proves complex.”
Benjamin nodded slowly. “I can do that. Bal?”
Balthazar took a deep breath. He had tensed up again, despite the slight reduction in the pain, and his heart was hammering against his ribs. This was going to hurt and he knew how much it was going to hurt, and knowing it had to be done didn’t make it any easier.
“Bal?”
Balthazar jerked his head. “Just do it.”
He could almost feel them exchanging one of those looks, but it was taking everything he had not to throw up. Benjamin moved behind him and Balthazar did not think about alphas, and Pamela gripped his wrist and placed her hand on the bad shoulder.
“Ready?”
“No,” Balthazar muttered. “But do it anyway.”
Pamela’s grip tightened on his wrist for a moment, then she pushed and everything was pain.
Balthazar didn’t scream, but it was a close thing. The infirmary swam and blurred and hands touched his back, but he knew they were Benjamin’s hands and it was Pamela wrenching his arm, and when the joint cracked back into place and the blissful absence of pain left him slumping, it was his friends who caught him.
“There we go,” said Pamela. “It’s all done. You did just fine.”
Balthazar would have bristled if he had any breath to spare. He could taste blood in his mouth and realised he had bitten clean through his lip, but the pain had faded to a dull ache that was barely noticeable, and he leaned into Benjamin’s touch.
“Thank you.”
“Any time, brother,” said Benjamin gently.
“Quite,” said Pamela. She handed over a soft green blanket, and Balthazar wrapped it round himself gratefully. He raised an eyebrow at the pills she held out, but Pamela met his gaze without flinching. “You’re only feeling better now because it was so bad before. Take them before the adrenaline wears off.”
Balthazar huffed, but took the pills. Pamela ran him through another examination, then strapped his arm up in a sling and stood back. “Do you have a change of clothes?”
“In my office,” said Balthazar. He glanced at the clock and winced. “I was supposed to have a meeting with Meg-”
“That’s not happening,” said Pamela bluntly. “I’ll call her and tell her you’re cancelling, and ask her to bring a spare shirt down.” She paused. “And then I’ll call Castiel.”
Balthazar started to argue, then cut himself off. Cas would want to know. He caught Benjamin’s smile of approval out the corner of his eye, and straightened. “Fine, but there’s no need to disturb anyone else.”
Pamela rolled her eyes, but headed off to make her calls. Benjamin continued to smile, and Balthazar scowled. “He’s going to hover,” he said, and it was not a whine. “It’ll be unbearable.”
“It won’t be that bad,” Benjamin promised. He patted Balthazar gently on the back and sat down. “You really should consider taking a few days off. What we do is hard enough.”
“‘m not staying at home when there’s work to do.”
Benjamin gave him a long look. “Is that what you’d say if one of us was hurt? If Kevin had dislocated his shoulder and tried to come straight back?”
“That’s different, and you know it.”
“Why?” Benjamin asked. “Because it’s you?”
“Yes,” said Balthazar bluntly.
If he had done worse things with worse injuries then he could handle some paperwork with a slightly sore shoulder, and if he could then he had no excuse for slacking off.
Benjamin looked away, but not before Balthazar caught the stricken expression on his face. Balthazar shifted in place, not sure what he was supposed to say, but before he could try Benjamin took a deep breath and looked back.
“Think we might need to have another chat about that,” he said. “Not now,” he said, when Balthazar frowned, “but that’s not healthy.”
Balthazar said nothing. Part of him could recognise the double standards in his own thinking, but at the same time it didn’t matter. Their work was more important than him.
He had known Benjamin too long to think he would let it go though, and it was with relief that he saw Pamela returning. She looked him over, and nodded.
“How do you feel?”
“Better,” said Balthazar. Even the ache was easing as the drugs took effect. He looked at Benjamin, and sighed. “I’ll leave early today, but I am not taking a month off.”
Pamela eyed him for a long minute, then sighed. “We’ll talk about it. In the meantime, I’ll give you some painkillers to take home, and I hope you’ll take these ones instead of hawking them.”
Balthazar stared at her. “How did-”
He cut himself off, but Pamela was already rolling her eyes. “I hoped you’d take them, but I wasn’t particularly optimistic.” Her exasperated amusement faded, and she gave a slight shrug. “I knew you’d be able to get some use out of them either way.”
Balthazar’s throat was too tight for speech. Pamela’s eyes softened, and she gave him a warm smile. She opened her mouth, but then there was the sound of running footsteps in the hall and Castiel burst into the room. His eyes were wild, and fear was rolling off him in waves, and Balthazar braced himself.
This was not going to go well.