Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

My head feels weird.

As I try to shake myself out of the general disorientation that comes with waking up, my head feels weirder than the normal headaches I get. That Peter Griffin lookalike packed more of a punch than I expected, partly because it wasn’t even a match. Bitch just sneak attacked me out of nowhere. Glad I shattered his leg. I look around. 

…this isn’t the Mii Apartments. 

I look at my surroundings. I’m in some weird classroom? With boarded windows and a security camera in the room. There’s two other people, one being a femboy-looking 16 year old or so with a flower clip and blond hair. Looks distressed. The other is a weird banana coloured bean with a red beanie. Neither are Miis or those stupid Sportsmates. I stand by the fact that Sportsmates don’t deserve rights. 

Bean: yo what’s poppin

Femboy: D-did you just sp-speak in lowercase?

Bean: b

Femboy: What does ‘b’ mean? 

Me: Who the fuck are you two? Did either of you bring me here? If either of you are the ones or know the one who brought me to a classroom for the first time in 4 years, tell me so I can eviscerate you.

Bean: careful, you might hurt someone with that edge. also i’m banana, but you can skip the last syllable and call me banan. according to this card, i’m the ‘ultimate card swiper’. 

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banana

Origin: Among Us

Pronouns: they/them

talent: Ultimate Card Swiper

Swag: More than you

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Me: Ultimate Card Swiper? Your talent is swiping cards?

banan: i don’t see you with a talent bitch

Me: Wait, I also have one of these cards. Oh, would you look at that! Ultimate Sportsman. 

banan: wow you waste your time kicking balls around

Me: Wow, you’re really good at moving a card in a small gap. So impressive. You are a pathetic individual who will never be ballin’ like myself. Anyway, I’m Matt.

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Matthew ‘Matt’ Lastname

Origin: Wii Sports

Pronouns: he/him

Talent: Ultimate Sportsman

Class: Legend

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Femboy: Um, could you two please stop arguing?

Matt: And who exactly are you? Follow up, are you a sane femboy or are you one of the Neo-Nazi ones?

Femboy: WHY WOULD I BE A NAZI?!

Matt: Just making sure. 

Femboy: Um, I’m Basil, and it says I’m the Ultimate…

His eyes seem to have widened. His talent doesn’t seem too good, then, does it? Which means he’s either going to say it in shock or he’s going to lie. Hell no, I’m a big ‘having advantages’ fan, so I take his card and read it.

Matt: Ah, Ultimate Accomplice. Interesting. How’d you get that one?

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Basil Omori

Origin: OMORI

Pronouns: he/they

Talent: Ultimate Accomplice

Anxiety Levels: Off the charts

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Matt: No, genuinely, how’d you get that talent? 

Basil: I don’t… want to talk about that.

Matt: I’ll find out later. What else are you good at?

Basil: Um, I like gardening.

Matt: It’s too easy to be good at gardening. Someone else could have the ability. Choose a skill that’s more likely to not be had here.

Basil: Photography?

Matt: There you go. Ultimate Photographer. 

banan: why you helping him lol

Matt: Because then I have information others don’t, and advantages are good. I mean, for all we know, we could be in some killing game, and if that’s the case, I don’t gain an advantage out of people knowing who he is.

banan: ykw that makes sense

Basil: Could you… please not use me?

Matt: Depends on why we were kidnapped like this. There’s a door there. Basil, you seem like the type to read crime novels. You’re probably more of an investigator than either me or the ‘Card Swiper’ over there.

banan: fuck you bro

Matt: You can’t deny I’m wrong. Seriously, I’m convinced you’re lying because there’s no one who legitimately has that title. What are you really? Show me your card.

banan: no i’m genuinely ultimate card swiper

Matt: Skilless. Impressive. 

Basil: Can we go out the door now, please?

Matt: Lead the way, femboy.

Basil: I-I’m not just a femboy!

Matt: Would you prefer I called you ‘Accomplice’?

Basil: …

Matt: Exactly. 

banan: wow you’re a dick

Matt: And the level at which I am a dick is still bigger than whatever you have for genitalia.

banan: fuck off

Basil opens the door, and we all go through. Immediately met with a pink haired girl with weird horns sticking out of her hair. She can’t be older than 5.

Pink hair: Six! I’m six!

Matt: O…K? I didn’t ask for your age? That being said, could you tell me who you are, please? Information is key. ( Like the knowledge of who this Basil is. Seriously, Ultimate Accomplice is an interesting talent. )

Pink hair: What’s an ‘ah com plish’?

Matt: A what? Did you mean ‘accomplish’ or another word? ( And if it was another word, how would you know that other word? Where would you have heard it if you’re only six? And why would you ask that out of the blue? Who are you? )

Pink hair: I’m Anya!

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Anya Forger

Origin: Spy X Family

Pronouns: she/her

Talent: Ultimate ???

Your mind: Is hers to see

-----

Matt: OK, but what’s your talent?

Anya: Uh, can’t say!

So that makes it a dangerous talent, most likely. Or an embarrassing one? No, banan was more than happy to say they were the Ultimate Card Swiper. Seriously, Card Swiper? If it’s covering up a real talent, I don’t know why you’d choose that. Then again, it makes you more unassuming, more able to sneak up and slit someone’s throat without being suspected because you’re just a Card Swiper. Why does Anya look shocked now?

Anya: Please don’t sit my throat…

Matt: When did anyone say anything about that? 

Anya: Anya go now!

She runs off. Seems… well, like a six year old. But a six year old with secrets. She seems almost erratic. And ‘don’t slit my throat’? Was that what she said? It’s like she was hearing my thoughts or something. Definitely taking notice of that.

…is that fucking Jack Black?

We walk further down the hallway to see Jack Black in a cyan T-Shirt. A repressed image is coming to me, but I bury it further down.

Jack Black: Hello, comrades!

banan: jack black? 

Jack Black: Who’s that?

Matt: What… WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHO’S THAT, YOU’RE THAT!

Jack Black: No. I am Steve.

Matt: …what?

Steve?: Steve. According to this card, the Ultimate Abomination.

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Live Action Steve

Origin: A Minecraft Movie

Pronouns: it/he

Talent: Ultimate Abomination

Placing: Blocks and shit cause he’s in fucking Minecraft

-----

Matt: Like the Minecraft Steve? 

Steve: What’s a Minecraft?

banan: we should leave before i start remembering something i don’t want to remember

Matt: First good idea you’ve had.

Steve: Wait, I never got your na

We leave what seems to be a schizophrenic fever dream and enter another classroom to find some girl. Literally just some normal looking girl. And also a Victorian ass spirit thing.

Mundane girl: Seriously? I was in the middle of shopping.

Victorian ass spirit: Don’t worry, I’ll keep you safe. 

She giggled creepily.

I already don’t like either of these two.

Matt: OK, introductions. I’m Matt, that’s Basil, and the bean is banan. They’re the Ultimate Card Swiper, wow.

banan: i didn’t make fun of your talent

Matt: Because my talent doesn’t suck major dick?

banan: don’t kink shame. some people like sucking dick! like basil, he gives me the vibe.

Basil: UM

Mundane girl: Ohmygod, you’re so interesting.

Matt: And who are you? Oh yeah, I’m the Ultimate Sportsman. Bet your talent isn’t as good.

Mundane girl: I’m Regina George, the Ultimate Mean Girl.

…at least it’s interesting?

Victorian ass spirit: You may call me Ringu, though my name is technically Specimen 4, and I am the Ultimate Cannibal.

Everyone inches away. Cowards.

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Regina George

Origin: Mean Girls

Pronouns: she/her

Talent: Ultimate Mean Girl

Money: lots

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Specimen 4/Ringu

Origin: Spooky’s Jump Scare Mansion

Pronouns: she/they/it

Talent: Ultimate Cannibal

Form: Evolved

-----

Matt: I respect that you told us that. Especially as telling 4 people, plus those two hiding under the table, the blue haired girl and the tomboy, yeah, I see you, means that you won’t be able to lie about your talent as easily. You should’ve faked it, but I respect your decision nonetheless. 

The blue haired girl and tomboy come out right on cue.

Blue hair: were we that obvious?

Matt: Yes.

banan: i spotted you but i also view everything isometrically. like, there’s a blue hair twink standing outside.

Matt: Sorry, isometrically? Wait, not important. ( Yet. ) Since you heard us, care to share who you are?

Blue hair: hi! i’m lacey!

Tomboy: Sup, I’m Jay.

Matt: And talents?

Jay: I’m the Ultimate Skateboarder. What was yours, Lace?

Lacey: …ultimate mortuary cosmetologist…

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Lacey

Origin: Lacey Games by ghosttundra

Pronouns: she/they/it

Talent: Ultimate Mortuary Cosmetologist

Needs: Therapy

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Jay

Origin: same webseries

Pronouns: she/they

Talent: Ultimate Skateboarder

Status: Corpse

-----

Jay: You’re the WHAT?!

Interesting indeed. I wonder if anyone else noted that. If anything, this Lacey is also looking at Jay wearily. There’s something going on there, I can tell. But whatever.

Matt: Alright, cool, we’re on our way to the twink.

Me, the Card Swiper, and Basil walk out. Basil’s not been very talkative, and has also avoided having his talent said, which means it’s more time for him to finalize it. 

Twink: …

Basil: Hi?

banan: who this

Twink: Makoto Yuki. 

Matt: You have one of these ‘Ultimate Talent’ things?

Makoto: Ultimate Doorman.

-----

Makoto Yuki

Origin: Persona 3

Pronouns: he/they/it

Talent: Ultimate Doorman

Status: Door

-----

banan: weird talent

Matt: Look who’s talking.

banan: i am going to stab you in your sleep

Matt: We know you’ll have no trouble getting in the room. 

banan: …i hate you

Matt: You’re not interesting enough for me to feel strongly about. Basil, lead the way to other places.

Basil walks over to the cafeteria. We go in. There’s two people there. A hairless giant with a hat and Sonic the fucking Hedgehog.

Hairless giant: Whatever in creation exists without my knowledge exists without my consent. Who may you be?

Matt: I’m sorry, what did you just say? Also, Matt, banan and Basil.

banan: bro thinks he’s the main antagonist :SkullEmoji:

Matt: Did you seriously just say ‘skull emoji’?

banan: never mind that, who’s this loser

Hairless giant: I am the Judge. 

Matt: Actual name, please. 

Judge: Judge Holden, if you must know. The Ultimate War, which truly is a compliment.

Sonic: I’m Sonic, the Ultimate Speedster! And this guy is shady.

-----

Judge Holden

Origin: Blood Meridian

Pronouns: he/him

Talent: Ultimate War

Evil: Pure

-----

Sonic the Hedgehog

Origin: take a fucking guess

Pronouns: he/they

Talent: Ultimate Speedster

You’re: Too Slow

-----

The Judge. The Judge. I’ve heard that name before. 

Basil: J-j-j-judge H-h-holden?

He knows something. And seems to be scared.

Judge: That is me. Your fear disgusts me. You disgust me. I can feel it. You’re empathic, you’re nice, you delude yourself into believing your life is worth anything.

Matt: The fuck did he do to you?

Judge: Nothing. But I would do a lot to him the moment I was able if I were not in this situation.

banan: what the fuck does that mean? what are you saying? ykw let’s go

Matt: Good idea.

We leave the man who I’m now most suspicious about. He seems like the type of person to enjoy slaughtering babies or some shit like that. Maybe worse, given what he said.

banan: where next?

Basil: There’s… stairs, there. 

Matt: You good there, Plant?

Basil: …plant?

Matt: That’s what Basil is, right? A plant. You good?

Basil: …

Matt: You know what, you seem more tolerable than anyone else here. If he tries anything, I will personally execute him.

Basil: …thanks.

We go to the stairs and down them to see a white space?

Matt: Did we go from school to the void? 

There’s another 16 year old. And also some small child with a red beret and a paintbrush.

16 year old: …

Basil: …Sunny?

Sunny: …basil?

Basil: SUNNY! I thought you d-d-d…

Sunny: …no? what? why would i?

banan: a fellow lowercase supremacist

Matt: I wonder if their talent is as pathetic as yours, then. 

Sunny: …ultimate violinist.

Young artist: And I’m Adeleine! Or Ado. I’m feeling in an Ado mood, actually.

Matt: Let me guess, Ultimate Artist?

Ado: Ultimate Last Human, apparently! I guess Susie and the Jamba people weren’t human.

Matt: …what.

-----

Sunny Suzuki

Origin: OMORI

Pronouns: he/they

Talent: Ultimate Violinist

Siblings: Not anymore

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Adeleine

Origin: Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards

Pronouns: they/them

Talent: Ultimate Last Human

Earth: Frozen Over

-----

banan: ok this is weird now

Matt: No, seriously. What.

Ado: I don’t know, I didn’t pick this talent.

I look at the area itself. A computer, a sketchbook, some tissues, and a black cat. Not much to do around here, is there? Also, a lightbulb hangs, which is impressive for a place with no discernible ceiling. And there’s red hands around the place. No walls, though.

At least, that’s what I thought until a hole is blown into one. A fucking anthem starts playing and a small yellow man walks out.

Yellow man: And there’s the exit! Excellent!

Matt: Who the hell are you?

Yellow man: Oh my goodness, you don’t know who I am? What a shame! How will I ever recover? But if you insist.

He clears his throat. I already immensely dislike this guy.

Yellow man: Say hello to The Noise, the Ultimate Chaos! Even if here it says ‘Ultimate TV Personality’, but two things can be true at once!

------

Theodore ‘The’ Noise

Origin: Pizza Tower

Pronouns: he/they

Talent: Ultimate TV Personality

Opinion on pizza: Not a positive one

---------------------------------------------------

The Noise: Welp, I’ll probably be catchin’ you bunch of bitches later!

And he speeds away at Mach 20. He’s definitely a threat. I keep in mind him.

Basil: Um, can Sunny come with us?

banan: the more the merrier

And if he’s a friend of the Ultimate Accomplice…

Matt: Sure. Let’s go.

We move upstairs to find that there is an outside. There’s a door leading outside.

banan: so we just can leave?

Sonic: Hey, guys! Long time no see! Looks like there’s an exit after all!

Matt: You think that whoever brought us here would just let us out like that? 

Sonic: Maybe they’re not that smart?

Bold assumption to make, but it’ll be kinda funny to see the look on his face when he fails.

Matt: Go ahead, then.

Sonic: Sure!

He seems to go around the entire place in 10 seconds, given he’s back in that time.

Sonic: It’s just a normal outdoor area. But hey, lotta space to run!

Basil: Oh. Is… there a way out?

Sonic: OK, I mapped out the entire school we’re in. There’s a few classrooms, there’s some blocked off stairs that lead up, there’s White Space, whatever that is, a cafeteria, a storage room and a library right there.

He points diagonally left.

Sonic: Also, outside there’s some junior playground, some gym and an area with a bunch of dorms with names on them. Also a field. Also a blocked off area with two big doors. Two people in the playground, one in the field and three in the gym.

Matt: …huh. Thanks. That’s helpful information. Was there anyone in the library?

Sonic: Haha! ONE! Also four people in one of the classrooms, and two in the storage area.

Matt: Cool. Basil, banan, Sunny, let’s go.

Sonic: Talk to you later!

Sonic speeds away. He’s one of the more friendly people here, and definitely beneficial to keep him on my good side.

Matt: Let’s go to the library, then.

banan: sure. why not? you can lead us. that’s what you’re doing. 

Matt: Well done! You have basic common sense!

We go to the library where there is a weird looking guy with an eyepatch that has a scar running over it.

Eyepatch: More dimensional tomfoolery? At least my counterpart hasn’t been seen anywhere.

banan: what’s poppin

Eyepatch: Ah, new individuals! Say welcome to your new overlord! I am Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz, though oddly they seem to put a ‘-2’ after my last name on this card. And I am the Ultimate Dictator!

-----

Doofenshmirtz-2

Origin: Phineas And Ferb: Across The 2nd Dimension

Pronouns: he/him

Talent: Ultimate Dictator

Why is he evil?: he lost a toy train

-----

Matt: You’re the WHAT.

Doofenshmirtz-2: Ultimate Dictator, of course! I’ve been reading up on some information here, as well. So, Matthew Lastname

banan: sorry, your last name is what?

Doofenshmirtz-2: Be warned. For I am in possession of some information! I’m going to get some almond brittle now. But I’m always watching.

He leaves.

Basil: He… seems scary.

Matt: We have 8 more people to meet. Maybe we’ll find out why we’re here.

banan: were we not searching for an exit?

Matt: Are you stupid enough to think that someone who’s evidently capturing people from across different universes would just make a clear exit available?

banan: look i’m just being optimistic

Matt: Whatever you say. I’m personally making internal notes on all the people here. It’ll be more helpful.

banan: ykw fair enough

Matt: Anyway, storage room?

Basil: Storage room sounds good.

We go to the storage room. There’s a blocky person and a child wearing a striped jumper here.

Matt: And who are you two?

Blocky person: guest

Matt: Talent?

Guest: …

Matt: Great. As for the child?

Child: I’m Horrid Henry!

Basil: Your first name is horrid?

Henry: It’s more of a nickname. I’m the Ultimate Rockstar!

Basil: Who calls you horrid?

Henry: A bunch of people. My parents use the name a lot.

Basil: …how old are you?

-----

Guest

Origin: ROBLOX

Pronouns: any/all

Talent: Ultimate ???

Wearing: Hat

-----

Horrid Henry

Origin: Horrid Henry

Pronouns: he/they

Talent: Ultimate Rockstar

Abused?: Most likely

-----

Henry: I’m 12!

The Guest is quiet. Seems like a threat. But Henry? I’m thinking he’s a liability more than anything. He seems like the mischievous type. Also, Jesus, his parents call him horrid?

Matt: I’m Matt, the Ultimate Sportsman.

banan: banan, ultimate card swiper

Guest: dumb talent

banan: i am going to leak your address online

Basil: Um, I’m Basil, the Ultimate Photographer.

Sunny: …sunny, ultimate violinist.

Matt: Introductions done, let’s go to the playground outside.

Outside is a dome. It’s clearly a fake sky, so it’s probably a dome. The sky isn’t usually green anywhere, to my awareness. Makoto is also there, seeming to be slightly more alert.

Makoto: …

We leave him to it. Another blocky person in the playground, their skin pitch black. And some rich looking guy who seems slightly drunk.

Drunk guy: Why, hello, chaps!

Matt: Call me ‘chap’ again and I will break your skull in half. Who are you two?

Black guy: 10 HOUR BURST MAN. ULTIMATE BOSS.

Drunk guy: Eric Birling, the Ultimate Alcoholic, apparently. I feel demeaned slightly.

-----

10 Hour Burst Man

Origin: item asylum

Pronouns: he/it

Talent: Ultimate Boss

Viewer Discretion: Advised

-----

Eric Birling

Origin: An Inspector Calls

Pronouns: he/him

Talent: Ultimate Alcoholic

Drunk: Yes

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Matt: Matt, banan and Basil. Sportsman, ‘ card swiper ’ and Photographer. Also Sunny. Forgot him. Violinist.

Eric: Lovely to meet you!

10HBM: I CANNOT SAY THE SAME.

Matt: Fuck you too, then.

We leave. Looks like the 10 Hour Burst Man might be a threat. You don’t get a talent like ‘Ultimate Boss’ without being somewhat capable. The other guy? Feels slightly off.

banan: field then gym?

Basil: I think that works. You, Matt?

Matt: You’re technically leading.

Basil: …oh, yeah.

The field has a blue robot in it. And… oh, god, this guy again?

The Noise: What is up, my sigmas?

banan: i hope your career implodes on itself

The Noise: Please, if bombing the state of Michigan didn’t do anything, I’ll be fine.

banan: …you bombed what now?

Matt: Never mind that, who’s… wait, no, what?  

Sunny: who’s the blue guy?

Blue robot: MACHINE ID: V1. LOCATION: UNKNOWN. CURRENT OBJECTIVE: LEAVE. TALENT: ULTIMATE KILLING MACHINE.

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V1

Origin: ULTRAKILL

Pronouns: it/they

Talent: Ultimate Killing Machine

Blood: Is fuel

-----

Killing machine? What the hell? It… looks like it would struggle against an Unregistered Hyperlink Camera or something like that. 

V1: CURRENT OBJECTIVE: GO TO GYM.

The Noise: That’s a great idea! I’ll be sure to do that!

He’s gone again. Good. But he’s going where we are. And an announcement rings out.

???: Mic check, testing, testing, one two three… really? This gag is getting old now. Anyway, everyone please come to the gym for a wonderful surprise! I’ll be waiting, puhuhu~

What the hell was that voice? Weirdly high pitched. Nonetheless, to the gym we go, I guess.

Three people I haven’t met there. A teenager in a sweater vest, a peach hair girl and a… I think that’s a man, anyway. He looks… weird, to say the least.

Sweater vest: Ah, I have not met you three yet. I am Goro Akechi, and this card calls me the Ultimate Detective. I wouldn’t quite go that far, myself, but I guess I can appreciate compliments from time to time.

A liar. I can just tell this guy’s a liar. Smart, though. Feels like he’s secretly insane.

Peach hair: Hi! I’m Sayori.

Matt: I’m Matt, and this is banan, Basil and Sunny.

Weird looking man: Hi, I’m Baldi, the Ultimate Mathematician! Nice to meet ya!

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Goro Akechi

Origin: Persona 5

Pronouns: he/him

Talent: Ultimate Detective

Opinion on pancakes: Irrational hatred

-----

Sayori

Origin: Doki Doki Literature Club!

Pronouns: she/her

Talent: Ultimate ???

Favourite plush: Mr Cow

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Baldi

Origin: Baldi’s Basics

Pronouns: he/they

Talent: Ultimate Mathematician

Anger Issues: Yes

-----

So Sayori didn’t tell us her talent. Interesting. And Baldi… he seems weird. A strange individual. Oh, for fuck’s sake, The Noise is one of the first here?

The Noise: We have gotta stop bumping into each other like this!

Matt: Please stop indeed. I would be happy to see you die.

The Noise: I’m hurt and offended at that. I… I thought we were best buddies! I thought we were roommates! Oh, my god, were we roommates!

Matt: I have never met you before today.

The Noise: IT WAS SPIRITUAL! But hey, if you’re more interested in the blond femboy, then I just hope your DMs are safe!

Annoyingly, that exact moment is when literally everyone else appears.

Matt: YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

The Noise: Better than whoever you’re fucking, I bet.

Matt: I WILL

???: Oooh, we already have some drama going on! This will be even easier than I thought!

Everyone turns to the voice.

Anya: Teddy!

Makoto: Why are you half black?

???: I’m not a teddy! I… am Monokuma! Your new headmaster!

Matt: Nope. I’m out. 

Monokuma: Attendance at this initiation ceremony is mandatory! 

Matt: I am not going back to school. I’m 24 and graduated already. 

Monokuma: Well, here’s your chance to graduate again! Normally, I’d get a bunch of teenagers for this, and I did, but I wanted to set my sights higher this time!

Matt: When do we graduate?

Monokuma: Hmm, let’s see… it says here that your graduation date happens on the day of never!

Doofenshmirtz-2: NEVER?! I have an empire to be ruling, you buffoon!

Monokuma: You better get comfortable here! I’ve done everything to make sure you never have to worry about things like ‘friends’, ‘family’, ‘the outside world’, there’s even an outside area here! It really is the perfect school life!

Henry: I don’t want to stay in this prison forever! Normal school is bad enough!

Monokuma: Well, if you’re so desperate to leave, there is one way…

The Noise: Nuke it!

Matt: Why the fuck would that be the answer? 

Judge: What if I were to slaughter everyone here?

V1: I WOULD WIN.

Monokuma: You’re on the right track here!

Matt: …wait, do we literally just have to kill one person?

Monokuma: Ding ding ding! You need to disturb the school life! As simple as that! AND get away with it, so put away your weapons now, unless you want to make things boring.

V1 puts a shotgun away. And there’s an interesting divide between reactions after that information.

Judge: How easy this is. 

Sayori: KILL SOMEONE?!

Monokuma: Yep!

Sayori: But to kill someone is to…

Monokuma: To kill someone is to kill someone. And given this colourful cast of characters, I’d be surprised if there wasn’t a death sooner or later!

Jay: You’re a fucked up individual.

Monokuma: And you’re on your second life already, so actually, I’ve helped you out!

Jay: Second life?

Lacey: IT’SNOTHINGIT’SNOTHINGIT’SNOTHINGit’s… nothing.

Doesn’t sound like nothing. Already noting that. But more importantly, killing. Is that it?

Matt: Is that it? Is there more to know?

Ado: Why do you sound so casual?

Matt: I’m gathering information.

Monokuma: Since you asked so nicely, I’ll tell you! To get out of here, you have to kill someone! Stabbing, bludgeoning, blunt force trauma, shooting, burning, anything goes! Get creative! Because you have to then survive the infamous Class Trial, where the blackened murderer will battle against the rest of their classmates! And if they win, everyone else dies! Simple, right?

Akechi: You are a disgusting individual. What is stopping us from attacking you instead?

Monokuma: Violence against the headmaster is strictly prohibited and will result in punishment!

A minigun appears out of… somewhere and fires at Akechi’s feet.

Monokuma: But by all means, go ahead! Besides, I’ll just come back! There’s tons of me around! Really makes you realize how insignificant you are in the grand scheme of things, doesn’t it? To learn more about the rules, read them on your E-Handbooks! Any more questions?

Matt: No. Thank you for your information. 

Akechi: And what do you gain from this, Monokuma?

Monokuma: I just love to see despair!

Matt: A despair fetish? Underwhelming. 

Akechi: And were you the one who brought us here personally, or is there someone behind the scenes?

Monokuma: Great questions that you’ll just have to find out, won’t you, Shido’s son?

Akechi: …

Who the hell is Shido? Never mind, I can find out later. 

Matt: Welp, I’m going. Is there a place for me to stay?

Ado: Genuinely, how are you so casual?

Monokuma: That’s what the dorms are for! And it’s nearing nighttime anyway, so really, you should all go to them now! But you can read up on that in your own time. So long, and happy killing!

The bear disappears, and I hear murmurings. Some people talking about how easy it is to kill. Some being shocked. I’ve introduced myself to everyone already, so I don’t really care enough to stay and watch them come to terms with the inevitability of death and all that. I have better things to do, so I go to my dorm. I’m stopped on the way out by banan and Basil.

Matt: And what do you want?

banan: figured that since we’ve already explored everything and all that, or at least given it a base lookover, and since we know basil’s talent, we should ally together and all that.

As much as I hate to partner with such a stupid individual and a cowardly child, I’m not delusional enough to think that being alone will increase my chances of survival. I’ll see if they need disposing of later. I’m sure I can find a way.

Matt: Sure. I’d be honourned to partner with such a talented individual.

banan: i really wish you weren’t the one i have been attached to. 

Matt: And I wish that you had a better talent, but we’re both fucked in that regard. Now leave me.

banan: aight babe

And they leave before I can shorten their lifespan accordingly. That leaves the coward.

Basil: Um, thanks for… not telling anyone about… you know…

Matt: You’re a bit too useful for that.

Basil: …useful?

Matt: It’s a killing game, did you expect me to play nice and pretend that I’m here by will, that I’m going to make friends? I’m going to find a way to seize control of this killing game shit.

Basil: That’s kind of… that seems…

Matt: What does it seem? Immoral? Wrong? Fucked up? Do you want me to make friends with the Ultimate Dictator, Basil?

Basil: No! No. I’m just… you seem a bit jaded when it comes to… this whole thing. And… it’s kind of bad that you are? 

Matt: Would you prefer I ran around screaming like a little bitch? Nah, I’m gonna do things my own way. See you around, Basil.

I enter my dorm before he can stammer about something stupid, noting that Sunny doesn’t seem to have one. I pull out my E-Handbook. It has some basic informations, though surprisingly, it doesn’t seem to record the ‘Ultimate Accomplice’ Talent and instead says ‘Ultimate Photographer’. I guess it adapts to lies about talents. It’s based on speech, then. Which is helpful to know, but also means I can’t figure out some of the other talents. Anya Forger, Guest and Sayori remain elusive. What kind of last name even is Forger? Who is she? She seems like a person of interest, but later.

I familiarize myself with the rules.

Rule #1: Students may reside only within the school. Leaving campus is an unacceptable use of time.

Rule #2: "Nighttime" is from 10 pm to 7 am. Some areas are off-limits at night, so please exercise caution.

Rule #3: Sleeping anywhere other than the dormitory will be seen as sleeping in class and punished accordingly.

Rule #4: With minimal restrictions, you are free to explore Hope's Peak Academy at your discretion.

Rule #5: Violence against headmaster Monokuma is strictly prohibited, as is destruction of surveillance cameras.

Rule #6: Anyone who kills a fellow student and becomes "blackened" will graduate, unless they are discovered.

Rule #7: Additional school regulations may be added if necessary.

Rule #8: Once a murder takes place, a class trial will begin shortly thereafter. Participation is mandatory for all surviving students.

Rule #9: If the guilty party is exposed during the class trial, they alone will be executed.

Rule #10: If the guilty party is not exposed, they alone will graduate, and all remaining students will be executed.

Rule #11: Lending your e-Handbook to another student is strictly prohibited.

Rule #12: The guilty party may only kill a maximum of two people during any single "Killing Game."

Rule #13: Attempting to break into locked rooms is strictly prohibited.

Interesting enough, I guess. The two person limit is very good to make a note of. 

The layout of the dorm is simple. Bed, desk, bathroom, and there’s a TV screen. Real 1984 shit. And it switches on.

Monokuma: Attention, students! It is now 10 PM! As such, the cafeteria will now be locked off and water will be turned off. Lights out and knives out if you don’t want to get killed during the night!

The bear is enjoying this way too much. Nonetheless, I go to sleep. 

After all, tomorrow's another day, and I have a killing game to win.

----------------------------

Alive: Matt, banana, Basil, Anya, Steve, Regina, Ringu, Lacey, Jay, Makoto, Judge, Sonic, Sunny, Adeleine, The Noise, Doofenshmirtz-2, Guest, Henry, 10 Hour Burst Man, Eric Birling, V1, Goro Akechi, Sayori, Baldi

Chapter Text

MONOKUMA THEATER

Monokuma: And we’re here with yet another Danaganronpa! So much for ‘end the killing game’! No matter how much hope you have, Danganronpa always comes back! I’m pretty sure we’ve had more than 256 killing games by this point, but who knows? Hmm, maybe I should make a killing game with 256 characters… Either way, I’m really glad to be back with such an interesting cast! We’re bringing the thrills, the chills, and the kills on full throttle this time! 

------

I really wish I had those stupid sleeping pills with me, because when I wake up after about only 2 hours and 16 minutes of sleep, I am tired. I would ask the bear to deal with this, but he’d probably just give me some instant death pills or something. I guess I’ll have to see what I can do later. I check the time. 6:59. I count the seconds, and right on time…

‘DING, DONG, BING, BONG’

Monokuma: Good morning, students! It is now 7 AM, and nighttime is officially over! Time to rise and shine and get ready to greet another beeee-yutiful day!

Why did he say ‘beautiful’ like that, all stretched out? Never mind, I’m going to see if there’s any food in the cafeteria. It’s not like anyone would risk poisoning it, because that could kill more than two people and they’d get punished. Basic common sense. I’m sure that there’ll be at least one person ranting about how we shouldn’t give up hope and someone suggesting that no one will kill each other and it ends with ‘let’s start meeting up here’. And as much as that would bore me to no end, it’s a good chance to analyze what everyone is like, and plan accordingly based on it. Also it’s slightly amusing to fuck with banan. Seriously, I still can’t get over that talent. With that in mind, I head out.

And immediately I’m met with the face of a small yellow man who I’ve already developed an irrational hatred for.

Matt: For the love of Shigeru Miyamoto, why are you ALWAYS WHERE I GO?!

The Noise: Where else would I be? In space?

Matt: …what? No? I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t. Actually, you should go to space and die there.

The Noise: You truly do flatter me! But no, I’m feeling in the mood to stay in this area. Were you walking to the cafeteria, then?

Matt: Yes. You should head to 10 feet deep water and drown yourself in it.

The Noise: Well, I wanted to know if you would like to race me there!

Matt: You can run at Mach 20. I’m not going to humiliate myself unnecessarily. 

The Noise: Interesting word choice there.

Matt: Is it, now? Here’s some more words for you. Burn. In. Hell. Here’s some more! Kill. Your. Self. Really, I can think of a fair amount that fit you.

The Noise: That’s simply just rude, but who cares? I shall see you at the cafeteria, then.

And he’s off. I don’t know what it is, but I really don’t like him.

I arrive at the cafeteria. So far, only The Noise, Sonic and V1 are here. I wonder how long it’ll take the others. Maybe one’s already dead.

Sonic: Hey, Matt! Long time no see, pal!

Is he going to greet me like that every time? Eh, who cares. He seems friendly, optimistic, has a moral compass, probably has a slight ego problem, but I doubt he’d kill for nothing. Though I feel like he has it in him. I wouldn’t be surprised, at least, but it would probably take a fair amount to get him to that.

Matt: Greetings. 

V1: HELLO.

V1. Definitely seems like they could kill someone, and not just because of the talent. I can just tell that this robot is a threat. Definitely going to be one of the murderers. It’s killed several beings before. And it pulled out a shotgun as soon as it was said that murder was an option. I need to watch out for them.

The Noise: Woag.

Matt: …what does that even mean?

The Noise is a person who I’m entirely sure is going to be involved in at least one death. Probably more, definitely more in fact. This man is dangerous. And also really annoying.

The Noise: It means woag. What else would it mean? Get with the times, old man.

I’m about to launch on a whole tirade about how he’s worthless and no one will ever love him, but the door opens. And…

Steve: I am Steve.

Sonic: …you said that before, buddy.

Steve: I wanted to make sure you remembered, obviously. 

Steve. He’s definitely there. It’s too early to tell what he’s like, though. I’ll have to wait and see.

The Noise: Unlike Matt, you’re somewhat memorable!

And just like that, three more people come in. Basil, banan and Sunny. 

Basil: Um, h-hi.

banan: good evening

Matt: It’s morning, dumbass.

banan: the concept of time is stupid and i refuse to partake in it

Sunny: good morning

All three seem unassuming, but Basil’s talent confirms he has the ability, at least, so I’d bet the other two do as well. Sunny in particular gives me the ‘one step closer to the edge’ vibe. 

The Noise: Why, hello, significant people! I can’t believe we’re in such esteemed company, and also Matt!

Seriously, the door opens just as I am about to lay into him again. I’m being forced to take these stupidly low effort quips? Welp, four more people, and oh great, one of them is Judge Holden.

Judge: Ah. You have decided to convene here as well, it seems.

Regina: Where else are we going to get food? Duh!

Guest: …

Akechi: Now, division will only weaken our resolve here, and that makes us more likely to, well, follow Monokuma’s wishes.

Judge Holden is definitely a murderer. He’s objectively going to kill someone. Unless he gets killed first. There has to be a way to orchestrate that, right? I’ll have to see what I can do. As for the others, Regina doesn’t seem like an actively murderous type, but I can see her doing it. Goro feels like he has the ability, but I’m not sure about temperament. And Guest is an enigma. They didn’t reveal their talent, after all. 

Judge: Division is inevitable. It will always occur. Men were born divided, and they will remain as such. You may delude yourselves with ideas of morality, of solidarity, of consensus, but war pertains.

Matt: I don’t think he asked for a whole ass speech. 

Judge: No one will say they asked for war, but it is still inevitable. Inevitable like your departure from this mortal coil. 

And that’s when four more arrive. 

Baldi: Oh, hi!

Lacey: hi. i’m here.

Jay: Sup. 

10HBM: I AM HERE.

Baldi… is weird. I can’t tell anything about him. Lacey seems mentally unstable enough to be pushed into doing something. Jay seems like she’s too weak to kill, and the 10 Hour Burst Man. He’s a threat. I can tell he’s a threat. I don’t even know why, but he just is. Sometimes you just know. 

Jay: What’s the crack, then?

Lacey: …wait, why is everyone here?

Matt: I’m here to see if there’s any food.

Lacey: oh, yeah, that! that makes sense.

banan: because eating food anyone could’ve prepared in a killing game is such a smart move

I look at them. No, I’m pretty sure they came to the same conclusion. If they were smart enough to immediately start an alliance with someone, they probably remember the two person limit rule. And also, there’s no one too suspect who could’ve prepared the food. Which means they’re either actually dumber than I thought, or they’re trying to get people not to eat the food that it turns out Makoto of all people prepared? Makoto doesn’t even seem to care enough to commit a murder, honestly. He feels more like the suicidal type than the homicidal type. But not everyone would come to that conclusion, leading to early deaths, leading to a higher probability of survival. That, or they’re just dumb. And I can’t let either one sabotage my chance to control people.

Matt: Did you seriously fucking forget the two person limit rule? Who would poison the food knowing that? Far too risky, especially as if you want to commit murder, it’s to save yourself, right? What would be the point of that?

banan: yeah true

The visor gives annoyingly little away. But I will figure you out, banan.

Akechi: I believe we are waiting on seven more people? Also, I would like to inquire as to where Suzuki-san slept last night.

Sunny: …just call me sunny. also white space.

Basil: Wait, why did you sleep in White Space?

Monokuma: Because it’s his dorm!

SON OF A GOATFUCKER.

Matt: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?!

Basil: AAAH!

Lacey: MURDER BEAR!

Monokuma: It’s Monokuma, thank you! Though Murder Bear sounds like a good alias… I’ll write that down for the next one! Anyway, just wanted to confirm that White Space actually locks from the inside at night! It functions as Sunny’s dorm! 

Basil: …why? Why didn’t you give Sunny a dorm?

Monokuma: Who knows? Maybe I just felt like being a little bit quirky, maybe it’s because it represents his mind dungeon, who knows?

Akechi: ‘Mind dungeon’? I’ve only heard references to that in studies on cognitive psience, which are blatant pseudoscience. 

Sunny: …

Monokuma: You’ll find out in due time! Or not! Oh, and Akechi, we both know cognitive psience isn’t that fake. I know everything about you all!

banan: really?

Monokuma: Except for two people here. They’re elusive. But I’m not gonna tell you who!

He doesn’t know about banana? It’s what I can gather from the way he looked at them while speaking. Which means the bean got more interesting.

Monokuma: Anyway, get to killing each other soon!

He leaves. After revealing some very interesting information. I don’t think he’s the actual one behind this, I think he’s just the face of this. 

And four more people arrive.

Sayori: Hello!

Anya: Hi! EH?!

Why did she do that? I’m more and more interested in this 6 year old by the minute. Wait, no, that sounds wrong.

Ringu: Hello, my children~

She’s creepy. Going to take a guess and say she kills someone. Sayori and Anya don’t seem like killers, but they’re also notably not sharing their talents. Them and Guest are definitely suspect. 

Ado: Hi, guys.

Ado. They seem interesting, if not outright killer material. I wonder how they’re the last human where they come from, though. They surely can’t be older than 12 or 13. 

Anya’s looking at the Judge and has gone pale? Weird. I’ll have to investigate that later.

Judge: What is the issue with me, child?

Sonic: I mean, you’re kinda shady, dude. 

The Noise: Appearances can be deceiving! Like, look at the space bean! You’d think they were mysterious but they’re just a card swiper!

banan: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE

Two more arrive. Only one more to go, but the lack of Doofenshmirtz-2 thus far makes me think we won’t be seeing him. 

Henry: Oi, worms! I’m here now!

An obnoxious kid, but I don’t think he’d kill someone maliciously. 

Eric: Well, I must say, this killing game business has put a real dampener on events, hasn’t it?

Regina: Getting kidnapped was already enough to do that.

Eric: You raise a good point. 

Eric. You’re not as easily readable. You seem like a generic spoiled rich kid, but your talent was the Ultimate Alcoholic. Which is very interesting indeed. 

And after a few minutes, Doofenshmirtz-2 does not arrive. Which is irritating, as he’s the one I’m least sure I can control. He and The Noise are probably the biggest threats to me right now. A dictator, after all? Who knows what he can do?

Akechi: I believe that since it is clear Doofenshmirtz-san will not be joining us, we should move on to more productive discussions.

Lacey: yeah, the silence is, uh, not the best.

banan: so what do you mean by more productive discussions then

Akechi: For a start, I think we should always make it a habit to meet like this in the morning. And I also believe that, to decrease the chance of a murder, we should establish a bu

The buddy system is the one thing I can’t afford right now.

Matt: How about we elect a leader so we can decide from there?

Doofenshmirtz-2: No need, that’s why I’m here to make sure this game runs smoothly!

Oh, now he shows up?

Matt: What, you think people want a dictator to lead?

Doofenshmirtz-2: You believe I put value into what you want? I’m leading.

Judge: He would have experience.

Matt: You don’t want to lead? 

Judge: I do not need to lead. Sooner or later, I will be the one running this game anyway.

banan: i think we should make sure neither of them lead. 

Doofenshmirtz-2: Do I not appeal to you? Do I not appeal to anyone here? How strange. I guess you didn’t want me after all. But I’m going to warn you. While you were busy sleeping and arguing about killing games, I did some research! I am a genius, after all, so it didn’t take long to find out who you all really are. 

Matt: And what does that mean?

Doofenshmirtz-2: Oh, nothing much, just the fact that there’s a few people lying about their talents. I wasn’t able to find out who’s running this game quite yet, though that could be a lie for all you know! But I do know some things! Things that people would kill to keep hidden! For example, one of you lowlifes is a traitor allied with the mastermind, who is indeed one of you!

Steve: He’s probably just lying to mess with u

Monokuma: SERIOUSLY?! YOU STOLE THE BIG REVEAL?! I was going to say that at the end of the second trial! Now you’ve ruined it!

…well, that changes things slightly.

Lacey: a-a traitor?

Akechi: We haven’t properly assembled into an actual group yet, so revealing this early may damage trust in each other, but also means we are able to exercise more caution without falling into despair. The question is why Doofenshmirtz-san revealed this specific fact, which leads me to believe that he has some more devastating ones he plans to reveal.

Baldi: Wow! You’re incredible!

Doofenshmirtz-2: The detective is right. I know everything about all of you!

He could be bluffing. There’s a good chance he’s bluffing.

Doofenshmirtz-2: So, would you like to surrender to me, or do you want me to make your lives a living hell?

Sonic: Pfft, as if I’d ever let a dictator get any leg up on me!

Matt: Nah, I’d win.

banan: you’re kinda sus but you’ve actually really helped us by telling us there’s a traitor so

Doofenshmirtz-2: Suit yourself! But you should watch where you sleep.

He slinks away. 

The Noise: Erm, well that just happened! ( canned laughter )

Matt: …where the hell is that coming from?

Akechi: Well, before we do anything, we should at least explore, yes?

Matt: Me, Basil and banan went everywhere yesterday. There was no way out, if you’re thinking that.

Sonic: Besides, I’ve already scouted the entire place 4 times. Wherever that exit is, it’s not on this floor.

Akechi: This floor? So there are others? 

Sonic: They’re locked off.

Akechi: Ah. That would be an issue.

V1: I AM GOING TO GO SEE IF I CAN SET UP A TARGET PRACTICE ROOM.

V1 leaves.

Akechi: In that case, I suppose we can wait to see what happens before establishing anything concrete right now. Though there is also the option of a bu

Matt: Great. See ya. Also, Makoto, I’ll cook next time.

I’ll lace the food with truth serum.

Judge: And how do we know you would not poison it?

Matt: You were there when I expressly said that poisoning the food would be stupid as fuck. 

I leave and go to the storage room. I want to know exactly what is there.

Matt: Wait, that wasn’t there before. 

A door opened next to the storage room. Says ‘STORE’? I guess a different kind.

I go into the store and JESUS CHRIST.

They have a lot here. A gumball machine like thing, and a lot of miscellaneous stuff.

Monokuma: You’ve found the Monomono machine!

Matt: OH MY- What is that thing, anyway?

Monokuma: This is the beta stage of gambling! Put Monocoins in there and see what you get!

Matt: What’s in there?

Monokuma: Just about anything! You’ll find Monocoins around, and you’ll get them for completing a Class Trial!

Matt: Thanks for letting me know. Wait, that guy’s new.

Monokuma turns around and I steal his wallet. He didn’t notice.

Monokuma: Hey! You lied to me! Grrr, why I oughta punish you right here and now!

Matt: There’s no rule against lying or stealing, is there?

Monokuma: Nope! Actually, it’s encouraged! I see everything anyway, so I know what you’re doing! Except the bathrooms. I don’t need to see what you’re doing in there. So if you want to get down and dirty with anyone, do it in there, not the dorms! 

Matt: What?

Monokuma: Happy killing!

He’s gone. And his wallet held a lot of Monocoins. 

Matt: Welp. Let’s go gambling.

After a few, very lucrative minutes that have given me things sure to help me out, I decide to exit and go to the storage room.

There’s a fair bit in here. Shot put balls, tennis rackets, they even have a lot of miscellaneous parts that seem to have been rifled through. There’s been a vent in most rooms, but not this one, oddly enough. I take stock of everything here. Shame we don’t have an Ultimate Inventor or anything, otherwise I would’ve been able to do a lot more with this.

I take a tennis racket. It’s funny to think I was once bad at this sport. I go to my dorm. 

…this is boring. These TVs don’t even show anything. I’ve got some time to kill, and while I could catch up on the sleep I missed…

No, yeah, I’m going to do that.

…

That didn’t work. I only got one hour’s worth or so. So I guess that means figuring out what to do. Let’s see, logically, if I really want to secure my place in this killing game, I need to do some more analysis. Which means I’m going to have to… spend time with people.

Matt: Fuck.

Great. Free time spent with these pathetic lifeforms. This is your fault, Monokuma, for not giving me a remote for that TV. Or a 3DS. Or anything even remotely fun. 

Free time. Who to spend it with? I’ll see who’s around, I guess.

FREE TIME

It takes me a while to find where Basil is, but I eventually manage to find him hiding away in a cupboard of the classroom we first entered.

Matt: Hello. 

Basil: Oh! H-hello, Matt! What brings you here?

Matt: I wanted to engage in conversation, Herb.

Basil: My… name’s actually Basil.

Matt: I know.

Basil: …

Matt: Anyway, I figured that I might as well get to know you, since we’ll probably be working together for a while. Let’s start with a simple question first. You knew that Sunny kid, yes?

Basil: Yeah, he’s my best friend. He’s been my best friend for a while now.

Matt: How’d you meet? 

Basil: Um, I was introduced to the group by my first friend, Aubrey, 

Matt: Are you still friends with her?

Basil: …

Matt: And why did your friendship end up failing, then? 

Basil: I’d rather… not talk about that…

Matt: Are you completely spineless, Basil? I’m simply trying to engage in casual conversation, get to know you better. And here you are, dodging perfectly normal questions. Honestly, I’m already being merciful, given your real talent. I’m nice enough to not reveal it immediately, and yet you hide things from me. Makes me want to go and te

Basil: OK I’LL TELL YOU!

That was even easier than expected. What a pushover.

Basil: So, we were really close friends. Me, Sunny and his sister Mari, Kel and his brother Hero

Matt: Who the hell calls their child that?

Basil: It was a nickname.

Matt: Literally why Hero?

Basil: …a sandwich from Gino’s.

Matt: …what’s Gino’s?

Basil: …a pizza place.

Matt: Sorry, he named himself after a fucking SANDWICH?

Basil: His actual name is Henry.

Matt: Never mind. I’d rather name myself an STD than be named Henry. 

Basil: That… never mind. We were all really good friends until an incident. We all saved up to get Sunny this violin so he could play with Mari at this recital, but she, uh, left us.

Matt: Willingly or by force?

Basil: …

Matt: Ah, is that how you got given that talent?

Basil: …

Matt: I see. I’ll do you a favour and not ask who you helped.

I can figure that out later anyway.

Basil: After… that … we split apart. Sunny… locked himself away. For… four years. He… just abandoned me. It was so mean! Why would he do that? 

Matt: Abandoned you in what way? 

Basil: …forget I said that?

Matt: You know what, why not? I just want to know about Aubrey.

Basil: We had a photo album. I would take photos of our group while they weren’t looking.

Matt: Weirdo behaviour.

Basil: I just prefer to get pictures of the actual moment, pictures of people living life. It’s so fascinating. I like candid photos. When people know they’re having photos taken of them, they can change.

Matt: …surprisingly reasonable, actually. Did you share this album with your friends, then?

Basil: Yeah, it was more of our photo album than anything. But after the… incident…

Matt: You mean that time you helped someone kill the sister of your best friend? That incident?

Basil: …yeah…

Matt: Just making sure. So you drifted apart.

Basil: Yeah. And, uh, Aubrey tried to reconnect with me, but I’d… ruined all the photos. 

Matt: You did? Interesting.

Basil: Aubrey, well, didn’t take it too well. And she started a gang at the time. I’m just glad they took their anger out on someone who deserved it rather than Sunny.

Matt: You think you deserve anything? Believing you’re worthy of a punishment? How old were you at the time you helped kill this Mari?

Basil: …12…

Matt: OK. Look at the people here and tell me you’re the worst one. Think you’re worse than a literal dictator, or a self proclaimed killing machine? And you’re clearly not worse than the Judge. 

It’s clear he’s unstable, and I can’t have him committing suicide before I’ve decided how best to use his talents. Besides, if he was able to cover up a murder at 12, he’s smart, which will be helpful if anyone else commits murder without my involvement. Also, I just don’t like being an interrogator. I’m more of the really obstinate person being interrogated who ends up managing to beat the shit out of them and leave while calling it ‘self defence’ or something like that. I’m too divine to be even slightly like a cop.

Matt: Anyway, you like flowers and shit, right? Here’s one I found.

I’m not sure why the Monomono machine had flowers, but then it had weirder gifts. I’ve already locked the store off so only I can access it, because I can’t let some of these people get those things. I’m now in control of at least one thing. And giving gifts to people allows me to get them to feel at least slightly obligated to trust me. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even feel something when I inevitably stab them in the back.

Basil: …where did you find this?

Matt: Just did. There’s probably some more outside. If anything, you could do some gardening outside. You seem to like it, judging by that clip in your hair. Presuming, of course, you’re a genuine gardener femboy and not the Neo-Nazi type. 

Then again, given that his best friend is listed as having Asian parents, probably not too racist.

Basil: WHY DO YOU THINK I’M A NEO NAZI?!

Matt: I don’t. But I’ve seen too many Nazi femboys to discredit the possibility. I hope you know it’s not acceptable to be racist to anyone other than Sportsmates because all of those stupid cunts deserve to be taken to a wall and shot. 

Basil: What? I don’t- Who are Sportsmates?

I explain to him why it is morally justified to beat Sportsmates to death for a bit. But eventually, he goes pale enough to make an excuse and leave. Surprised he didn’t do that when I was grilling him about who he murdered, but who understands the logic of killer Aryan femboys? Not me, that’s for sure.

I still have some time to kill. This time I’ll just see who’s about and also ignore The Noise. 

Ah, there’s Lacey and her friend Jay. I’m interested enough in the Ultimate Mortuary Cosmetologist. Who knows? Maybe she had a really bad family life, in which case she’ll be so easy to control it’ll almost be boring. I appear behind them completely unnoticed.

Matt: Greetings.

They both jump back in shock. This might be a waste of time, but who cares?

Matt: Lacey and Jay, yes?

Lacey: yeah, that’s us!

Jay: Why’d you sneak up on us like that, dude? 

Matt: I wanted to engage in conversation with people.

Jay: Really? I don’t know much about you, but you’ve seemed pretty aggressive and stuff. 

Matt: Doesn’t mean I can’t want to get to know people, does it, now? I want to hear about your lives. They sound more interesting than my own. All I really do is occasionally get into fights with Peter Griffin and Iron Man. It gets tiring.

Jay: Get into fights with WHO-

Lacey: ok! we can tell you about ourselves! i’m lacey!

Jay: He… knows that.

Matt: I do know that, yes. Astute observation.

Jay: See, you kinda sound like a dick. What does ‘astute’ even mean, anyway?

Matt: I would say Google it, but Google is an absolutely shit search engine and you should switch to DuckDuckGo on Firefox. Or, even better idea! Install the Tor browser.

Lacey: what’s the tor browser?

Jay: Do NOT search that up.

Matt: So you knew what Tor was, but don’t know what ‘astute’ means? How pathetic. And to think, just a skateboarder, unlike your friend the mortuary cosmetologist here. 

Which also means she might be useful if a murder happens.

Lacey: huh? oh, sorry, i was zoning out. what’d you say?

Or not.

Matt: I was simply asking about your talent. How did you start working in the profession?

Lacey: i just did.

Matt: Any previous jobs?

Jay: Yeah, weren’t you trying to run that diner? Then the pet shop when that failed? How’d you get such a dark job?

Matt: It indeed seems to be a tad morbid for such a seemingly beatific individual such as yourself.

Jay: Beatific?

Matt: Sorry, a clement individual.

Jay: Speak English.

Matt: I am. You’re just too uneducated to understand the complexities of my personal vocabulary.

Jay: …shut up.

Matt: But anyway, you had two jobs before becoming a mortuary cosmetologist, Lacey?

Lacey: yeah, i did.

Matt: Why’d you end up leaving them? Let me guess, poor working conditions?

Lacey: it was more about the costumers.

Matt: How so? ( And how did you misspell ‘customers’ of all words? )

Lacey: i set up my diner and it was, i thought it would do better than it did. but the costumers kept leaving after three minutes, before i could make enough food. i was struggling with money, so i left it. and started a petshop! but it, uh, it reminded me a bit too much about some things i… the costumers there were also asking for really weird things to happen to the animals. i wanted to stop following their requests, but i needed the job, and, like, yeah, i ended up quitting. and then started working as a mortuary cosmetologist.

Jay: What even is that?

Lacey: i do makeup for dead bodies…

Jay: …sounds gross, what the fuck?

Matt: It does sound relatively fucked up. 

Jay: ‘Relatively’?

Matt: How old are you?

Jay: 19.

Matt: And you don’t know what ‘relatively’ means?

Jay: I’m just confused by your word choice.

She’s so stupid that it could actually be a threat to these trials.

Matt: What exactly is up with your talent, then, Jay?

Jay: I like skating, so I skate. Didn’t know I was that good. It’s pretty radical.

Matt: Sorry, did you just unironically use the word ‘radical’ in the year 2024? 

Jay: Yeah? You deaf or something?

Matt: I’d rather be deaf than be the embodiment of an 90’s stereotype, thank you.

Jay: What’s ‘embodiment’ mean?

Matt: I’m leaving.

Lacey seems interesting enough, and Jay is making me lose brain cells actively. That was so short a conversation that I have time to talk to another person.

Sonic: Hey, Matt! Long time no see, pal!

Matt: Are you going to say that every time?

Sonic: Probably.

Matt: Fair enough.

Sonic: Anyway, wanna hang out for a bit?

Hmmm… should I spend time with Sonic? You know what, he’s bearable enough for me to want to.

Matt: Sounds good.

Sonic: Great! Wanna race?

Matt: Fuck it, why not?

I’m faster than expected, even if I’m still trailing so far behind him that I’m almost disappointed in myself. But hey, who really cares about that? Besides, even his extreme speed can’t help him when we start playing tennis. I spent ages improving on my previously lackluster skills, and it pays off here for sure. I’d be smirking if I felt anything from it.

Matt: That was enjoyable. Do you often do sports?

Sonic: Honestly, not much. I have these knock off Olympics with Mario, but other than that, I mostly just run and stop Eggman whenever he rears his receding hairline around.

Matt: And who is this ‘Eggman’?

Sonic: Dr Ivo Robotnik, the most annoying scientific genius in the world. He puts animals in robot suits.

Matt: Sounds fucked up. 

Sonic: Yeah, he wants to build an empire or something, but I’ve always stopped him. He even awakened a few gods or something, but he still loses every time! Honestly, the closest he got was a more recent attempt where he ended up getting this guy called ‘Infinite’ who could change reality or something. He caught me off guard and I was taken and tortured in his Death Egg for a while. Still managed to beat his ass in the end, though!

Matt: Tortured? For how long?

Sonic: 6 months or so?

I ignore the image of a black parasite standing in front of Malaysia and instead ask him another question.

Matt: How come you seem so unaffected?

Sonic: …you know, I’m not actually sure. But yeah, me and my friends, plus this new guy, we beat back the empire!

Matt: That’s good. That you did that. But genuinely, unaffected by 6 months of torture? How far have you repressed it?

Sonic: Not at all, weirdly.

Matt: Huh. Fair enough. Want this chili dog?

Sonic: Am I blue? The answer is yes to both those questions!

Matt: Cool. You know, I wonder if there’s still a carbon footprint here.

Sonic: Why?

Matt: Meat production does a fair amount of damage to the environment, at least where I’m from. 

Sonic: Huh. Really?

We talk about the nature of meat production for a while until finally, I notice the time.

Matt: It’s time to go to dorms, I think. Nice talking with you.

Definitely better than one of the others I talked to, and more genuine than the other two.

Sonic: Cool! I’m outta here! Cya!

Matt: See ya.

We part ways and I make it to my dorm in time for the nighttime announcement.

DING, DONG, BING, BONG

Monokuma: Attention, students! It is now 10 PM! As such, the cafeteria will now be locked off and water will be turned off. Lights out and knives out if you don’t want to get killed during the night!

…I sleep for about three hours before waking up again. Weird dreams again. Eating spinach does not make someone do 100 pushups at top speed or so. I go out. And banan is there.

banan: good morning

Matt: Not… even remotely accurate but sure. What do you want?

banan: you are insomniac. i am also insomniac. we converse. simple, right?

Might be a good chance to see if I can analyze their mindset. They’re not easily readable.

Matt: Sure. I’m wondering how you get a talent like ‘Card Swiper’, anyway.

banan: never mind, fuck you

Matt: That was an entirely genuine question. How can someone be the ‘Ultimate’ card swiper? It’s literally just moving a card. Not that hard.

banan: i’d like to see you swipe the cards they have on the skeld first try

Matt: Sure.

banan pulls out a card swiping machine.

Matt: You just carry that around with you?

banan: fuck off, try swiping a card. i bet you’ll mess up. everyone does. they all suck at

I swipe it perfectly first try.

Matt: You’re right! That was sooo difficult! I almost thought I wouldn’t make it. Truly, such a great talent that you have there.

banan: …drat

Matt: ‘Drat’? Out of all the words, ‘drat’? What, you gonna grow a mustache to twiddle now since you’re being a generic cartoon villain now? Go on, give me your evil laughter, Dick Dastardly.

banan: i do not like you

Matt: And what about it?

banan: i could kill you, you know. i could do it without anyone noticing.

Matt: Oh, you could, could you?

I press a button and watch as the camera near us disables. Knew adding the drone parts from the storage room to the light up pen I got from the Monomono machine could do that.

Matt: Do it now, then. But won’t everyone be able to figure it out? What assurance do you have? After all, what are you other than some card swiper? Completely useless. I bet your family wouldn’t care if you killed yourself or died alone here. I bet you don’t even have friends or a family. Are you lonely, banan, you stupid, insignificant, worthless, unlovable thing ?

banan tries to stab me. I easily grab their hand before they can. I then kick them away, and their small body can’t do much.

Matt: How easy that was. And not just the baiting.

And something more interesting happens as they seem to morph into me. I don’t think it was intentional, given that their eyes widen afterwards, but they soon regain composure.

Me?: you wanted assurance, huh? how about this? i can make you kill yourself. would you like that? would you, you piece of shit?

I take a picture of the thing with a disposable camera, unnoticed.

Me?: you know why i showed you that? because i want you to know that i can kill you right now if i wanted, and no one will suspect it. if i wanted, i could go kill anya. she’d be an easy target. i could kill the judge. even he wouldn’t see it coming. and i know how to do it. all i need is a motive. i showed you what i can do because i want you, matt, to feel the despair before you die when i inevitably get away with it. i want you to regret belittling me and the others. i watched you with basil. you didn’t exactly seem like a true friend, did you? bet you didn’t even really care about his feelings when you told him he wasn’t worth punishing. you just want an accomplice to use. but hey, when i kill someone, at least you can try and convince everyone that i am who i am. i’ve gotten away with a lot more than just one body, after all.

Matt: Wow, so edgy. So terrifying. I’m quaking in fear right now. My timbers are sufficiently shivered. I’m shaking in my boots. The boots you’re going to end up licking, you card swiper.

banan as me goes to attack again, but stops.

banan: as tempting as it is, i’m not going to kill you, matt. but you should live with a bit more fear. no locked doors can stop me. no morals can hold me back. 

Matt: What are you really aiming for, banan? What’s your real intention in showing me this? 

banan: that’s for me to know and you to find out, orange boy.

Matt: You didn’t intend to shift, did you? Hiding behind your kids novel ass threats while trying to hide the fact you’re scared because I baited you so easily into revealing something to me. Good luck scaring me. Tell you what, I’ll give you a secret of my own.

I lean into their side, since they’ve reverted back to being banan now.

Matt: I know who the traitor is.

A lie to make myself seem more suspicious. Bait them further. They’re pretty easy to bait.

banan: yeah stop lying bro

Damn, they saw through it?

Matt: We’ll see who’s lying later. Besides, I’m pretty sure Monokuma’s on his way.

Sure enough, the bear arrives.

Monokuma: Who turned my precious camera off?

He looks at us.

Matt: If I did it, it would be a lot more broken.

banan: i was busy trying to talk to the world’s biggest prick

Matt: You literally failed to do anything worthwhile here, banan, you stupid shit.

banan: fuck you.

They leave.

I go my own way too. Back to the dorm. I wonder, did they mean to drop that they can get past doors? Or do they have another method? I’ll have to figure that out later, but for now, I go to as close as sleep as possible. In the locked bathroom, because better safe than sorry.

----------------------------

Alive: Matt, banana, Basil, Anya, Steve, Regina, Ringu, Lacey, Jay, Makoto, Judge, Sonic, Sunny, Adeleine, The Noise, Doofenshmirtz-2, Guest, Henry, 10 Hour Burst Man, Eric Birling, V1, Goro Akechi, Sayori, Baldi

Chapter Text

MONOKUMA THEATRE

Monokuma: You know what I don’t get? Road safety laws! You’re telling me some random minister somewhere said that we should ‘not speed’ and that people are against ‘running over pedestrians’ but we allow cyclists to exist? Honestly, such a double standard! Next you’ll be saying that we’ll be charged for parking! To fix this, however, is easy! We just need to get rid of roads! That’ll fix everything!

------

DING, DONG, BING, BONG

Monokuma: Good morning, students! It is now 7 AM, and nighttime is officially over! Time to rise and shine and get ready to greet another beeee-yutiful day!

Great. Another day of this school shit. I forgot I slept in the bathroom, but it doesn’t really bother me too much as I simply exit the dorm. Now that I think of it, if we’re in a school, when do lessons occur?

Anya: LESSONS?!

There she is. I still don’t understand her. We both make our way to the cafeteria, though she follows at a distance. How foolish. She wouldn’t exactly be my first choice to kill over someone more blatantly threatening like the Judge or Doofenshmirtz-2. And especially not over The Noise. She’s calmed down now and is walking at less of a distance. I will never comprehend the mind of a six year old.

We enter the cafeteria. There’s only a few people missing. banan, Doofenshmirtz-2, and Sayori are not here. How weird. I decide to ask my question.

Matt: Monokuma, since you’re obviously listening, do we have any lessons or a school curriculum or something like that?

Sure enough, there he is.

Monokuma: Nope! We don’t have the teaching capacity for that! 

I ignore the various exclamations of shock.

10HBM: THEN WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE A SCHOOL OF ALL PLACES?

Monokuma: Questions that may be answered if you can survive that long! Puhuhu~

And he goes.

Akechi: His blatant refusal to relay information to us is irritating, but nonetheless, we shall find out what is behind the scenes of this place. We already confirmed that two mystery members of this group cannot be trusted, and that’s excluding the obvious people who are certainly going to cause us no small amount of trouble in the future. 

I wonder who he’s thinking it is. He did say he was a detective. Might as well ask.

10HBM: AND WHO ARE YOUR CURRENT SUSPECTS, IF YOU HAVE ANY?

He can too. It works.

Before Akechi can speak, banan arrives.

banan: sorry i’m late, i was eating beans

Akechi: Why were you eating beans elsewhere?

banan: as if i trust anyone here to make the food

Matt: Again, there are so many issues with poisoning the food that it’s actually outright stupid of you to believe someone would do it.

The Noise: I probably would.

Matt: Good thing you don’t cook, then, isn’t it?

The Noise: Probably.

Akechi: Now that we’re all here, I believe it would be time to highlight a progress report.

Lacey: we are all here? i thought there were more people!

Steve: I don’t think Mr Dictator is going to show up.

Lacey: what about, uh, sayori! that was her name, right?

Akechi: …come to think of it, where is Sayori? 

At that moment, she arrives.

Sayori: Hi, everyone!

10HBM: YOU’RE LATER THAN EXPECTED.

Sayori: Oops, ehehe~

10HBM: WHY? WHY WERE YOU LATE?

Akechi: It is a very good question. Even The Noise showed up.

The Noise: I take punctuality seriously!

Sayori: I slept in…

Regina: Sayori, was it? I’d love to believe that. You seem, like, so cool and stuff. But that’s kinda not the best excuse to use in a killing game.

Matt: You never revealed your ultimate talent, after all.

Sayori: Um, uh, I have to go!

She leaves near instantly. She does know she’s not helping her case, right? Either way, it’s always good to have someone who can be suspected for when I inevitably do kill someone. And more than that…

Matt: For that matter, Guest and Anya didn’t reveal their talents either. And Guest in particular has been quiet, haven’t they? What are you two hiding?

I’ll see if I can pressure them into revealing something, at least. Guest is annoyingly calm, but Anya’s a 6 year old, so I’m entirely sure I can get her to reveal her talent. And then I can decide where to go from there. Never mind, she’s gone too. 

Matt: Where the hell did Forger go?

Eric: Why, she went out with Sayori! 

Dammit. Guest is still here, at least.

Akechi: What is your talent, Guest? After all, we are trying to build at least a slight sense of community, so it would be helpful if you told us your talent.

banan: how about you build this RATIO

Akechi: I’m not entirely sure what you mean.

banan: how about you be sure about this RATIO

Guest then walks out.

Jay: You scared them away, great.

banan: what’s great is this RATI-

I throw a baseball at them and watch them fall over.

Matt: Get better material.

Sonic: I’m gonna go stretch my legs for a bit. See ya!

Sonic speeds away, and sure enough, everyone goes their separate directions.

I decide to go into an empty classroom. The classroom I first entered. I need to see if either Basil or banan dropped anything. Then I reconsider.

I already know about those two. Wouldn’t it be smarter to try and figure out what is occurring with some of the more elusive ones? And not necessarily the ones who haven’t revealed their talent. I need to try and analyze someone who’s been confrontational, who’s been cryptic, who’s shown that they have information.

I need to find Doofenshmirtz-2.

FREE TIME

Sure enough, I find him in the next classroom, where he’s doing something.

Doofenshmirtz-2: And move this here…

He’s building something. Sadly for him, I don’t feel like letting him finish it.

So I throw the tennis racket I got earlier at it, and watch the whole thing crumble into pieces.

Doofenshmirtz-2: NO! WHAT THE ACTUAL- Oh, great. Matthew. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Matt: Broke your little toy, obviously. I know you’re blind in one eye, but I didn’t know the other doesn’t work either.

Doofenshmirtz-2: Oh, you fool. You have no idea who you’re dealing with. 

Matt: Someone who’s clearly not a Doritos Crash Course player, that’s for sure.

Doofenshmirtz-2: I’m ignoring whatever inane babble you have going on. 

Matt: Nope.

I close the classroom door and hold out a button.

Matt: That Monomono machine had quite a lot of things, you know. Such as bombs.

It’s not a real bomb, but he doesn’t need to know all the fine details. He sees the button, thinks it’s a detonator, and he’s not going to call my bluff after I destroyed whatever he was building.

Doofenshmirtz-2: Fine, you may speak with me.

Matt: I wasn’t asking for your permission, last I checked. 

Doofenshmirtz-2: So, what exactly did you blackmail me for?

Matt: Information. Who’s the traitor?

Doofenshmirtz-2: And why would I tell you that?

Matt: You don’t know, then. Not really. You know there is one, but you don’t know who. Who’s lying about their talents?

Doofenshmirtz-2: Accomplice, Parasite, Hitman, Telepath, Traitor, Lucky Student and even a talentless individual pretending they’re worth anything. I’ll reveal that much, but I’m not telling you who!

Quite a few lying or hiding talents like that. A few of those are pretty bad, a few… aren’t, but the question is who’s who? I mean, I know Accomplice, but who are the others?

Matt: I’ll accept it for now. You said something about ‘more dimensional tomfoolery’ when we first met. What did you mean by that?

Doofenshmirtz-2: I’ve been to other dimensions before. Did you think I would limit myself?

Matt: And you’re not going to give me any information on the traitor?

Doofenshmirtz-2: I’ll reveal a little bit of information for being so patient. The traitor is not me, you, or the two you woke up with. But you’re linked to this game, it seems!

Matt: What do you mean by that?

Doofenshmirtz-2: Maybe you’ll find out, or maybe you’ll die before that!

For someone who thinks he’s going to get blown up, he’s being awfully cryptic.

Doofenshmirtz-2: And you haven’t detonated even after I’ve given you nothing. Which means that button is fake.

Matt: I don’t need a bomb to take you out, but let me tell you that I don’t take chances.

Doofenshmirtz-2: You shouldn’t have revealed that.

Good thing the button is for the EMP device. Because he pulls out a really stupid looking rifle.

Doofenshmirtz-2: They’ll be so busy trying to find your body that they won’t even have time to deduce that I did it! Any last words, or do you want me to come up with something for you, since obviously such an uneducated and inferior specimen couldn’t come up with anything himself?

I press the button.

Doofenshmirtz-2: …that was it? I thought it would do something, but you literally just threaten me with a toy? Well, guess I’ll be killing you now!

He presses down on the trigger and nothing happens.

Matt: That was it? I thought it would do something, but you literally just threaten me with a toy?

Doofenshmirtz-2: What did you do? What is that device?

Matt: Why would I tell you that?

Doofenshmirtz-2: Ah, well, guess I’ll have to try this.

He pulls out a different, more generic looking ray gun. I disable it again.

Doofenshmirtz-2: Are you joking? THAT’S IT, PREPARE FOR THIS!

He pulls out a staff. Sadly for him, I’d already walked to my tennis racket, and I block his attack with it, before punching him across the room.

Matt: Weaker than expected. Anything from a hawk to a platypus could beat your ass if they tried.

Doofenshmirtz-2: HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT PERRY?!

Matt: I didn’t. But now I do. So your nemesis is a platypus. I really should end your pathetic, worthless existence here, but sadly, that is sure to get me found out. Too obvious. Unlike you, I think things through.

Doofenshmirtz-2: You didn’t think the company you keep through, though, did you? And I’m not just talking about you allying yourself with the Ultimate Accomplice, either.

He doesn’t know I knew that already, then. Which means I should probably react differently than just the blank look I give him.

Doofenshmirtz-2: And, of course, there were all those other Miis. All of them who ended up proving to just be lambs to the slaughter. Literally, as well.

I feel myself tense up.

Doofenshmirtz-2: Yes, I read up on your history. All of it. And it’s quite prolific, as well. 

Matt: Whatever you say. Gonna give me an evil laugh before you go, then?

Doofenshmirtz-2: I’LL SHOW YOU!

He moves towards me. I trip him and watch him go through three of the tables. I then throw a chair at him, and watch it shatter into pieces, hitting him.

Doofenshmirtz-2: OWWW!!!

I could kill him here, and I smash the table next to him with my tennis racket to let him know I could.

Matt: Show me what? Just how piss poor your training regimen is? 

Sadly, if I do, I’ll be caught near instantly. And he starts smiling, like he came to that same conclusion.

Doofenshmirtz-2: You really should be more careful on that pedastal. It only takes one push to send someone tumbling down. Though I guess Sunny would know more about that, wouldn’t he?

What?

Matt: What does that mean? What does Sunny know?

Doofenshmirtz-2: You’re not going to find out before I find a way to kill you. Remember that, Matthew. I’ll be watching you!

He leaves. I leave a bit later.

The prick is definitely trying to be one of those generic cartoon villains, but like, a cartoon villain from a darker cartoon, rather than just Gargamel. But still, I have some information, at least. And Telepath is one I need to figure out. They could be a serious threat to me. I don’t think any of them were banan, though. From what I can gather, they’re genuinely seen as a card swiper. I need to talk to more people.

Henry: Oi, worm!

And there’s one right there. 

Matt: Yes?

Henry: I’m bored. Entertain me.

Matt: Read a book or something, I dunno.

Henry: But I want to talk to you!

Matt: Why?

Henry: Because you’re bald, which means your head is full of secrets!

…what?

Matt: What?

Henry: Got your attention, didn’t I? Talk to me. 

Matt: Fine. Let’s do the classic question-and-answer session.

We go into the other classroom and sit in it.

Matt: I’ll be generous. You can go first.

Henry: Why do you wear orange?

Matt: Because orange is the objective best colour. My turn. Do you have any siblings?

Henry: Perfect Peter, who’s so ‘perfect’ and such a goody goody two shoes. 

Matt: I see. 

Resentment towards his brother. Interesting. But why?

Henry: My turn. Why would you want to go into sports?

Matt: I’m the Champion Boxer, and I’m sure you can see the appeal of beating the ever loving fuck out of some pretentious white rich bitch until they beg for mercy. I’m also just built different, and good at strategy. Half the sports match can be decided by reading the technique of your opponent. It’s one of the reasons I got better at tennis. Because I started focusing on what my enemy was like on the court, and as such, knew how best to take a weakness and use it to ruin them. 

Henry: What?

Matt: Look, sports requires some level of thought. You can see it in team formations in football, a sport I don’t even really care for that much. It can, in some ways, basically just be a better paid version of chess, and I’m really good at chess. Why do your parents call you horrid?

Catch him off guard.

Henry: I, uh, because they hate me! All they do is nag, nag, nag. Won’t even let me have cereal sometimes! They actually told me to go around the table to get the cereal box rather than just reaching over and getting it! Our table is small!

Matt: Seems excessive. What else do they do?

Henry: They always get at me for doing anything! Even when walking to school, they walk at a distance and pretend I’m not theirs!

What the fuck?

Matt: That’s gotta be some kind of abuse. Why do you take that?

Henry: They’ve actually done worse things before. But I don’t have the power to stop them.

Matt: Ah. That’s unfortunate.

Henry: Hey, you tricked me into answering two!

Perceptive.

Henry: I get two now.

Matt: Sure.

Henry: Is there anyone you hate?

Matt: Oh, you have no idea.

After we discuss the merits of throwing his parents and classmates onto an abandoned island with every single Sportsmate and nuking the whole island, we part ways. I could probably fit someone else into this time.

…but I’m interrupted by something.

DING, DONG, BING, BONG

Monokuma: Attention, students! Your headmaster has a surprise for you! Please make your way to the gym for a very special announcement!

The intercom switches off.

Guess I know what I’m doing now.

I make my way to the gym, where everyone else is. Except Sayori. She arrives after me.

Sayori: Sorry I’m late again.

Akechi: You do seem to have a habit of it. But you are earlier than the bear, which is something.

Monokuma: I have a name, you know!

And here he is.

Monokuma: Now, I can tell you’re all wondering why I called you here, and it’s simple, really! There have been a total of zero deaths currently! Zero! Nothing! It really saddens me, to know that despite all I do for you, you won’t even kill each other! But I’ve come up with a little ‘motive’, shall we say, to speed up the process! 

Baldi: Fantastic!

Jay: Literally how is this fantastic? This is shit.

Baldi: Oh, hi! Welcome to my schoolhouse!

Monokuma: This is my school, actually! But what is yours is this good old fashioned motive video! Check your e-Handbooks now, and you’ll find a very inspirational video for you to watch! 

Shit, I left it in the dorm. Ah, well, I can see what’s on it later.

Monokuma: That’s all for now! Enjoy what might be your last day of living!

He disappears again.

The Noise: Well, don’t know about all of you, but I am going to watch the video. 

Doofenshmirtz-2: You.

He points at Lacey, for some reason?

Doofenshmirtz-2: You’re going to give me your e-Handbook.

Matt: Don’t be stupid enough to literally violate a rule for him, actually.

Jay: Yeah, who would just do that? 

Lacey: yeah, fuck off.

Jay: …since when did you swear?

Doofenshmirtz-2: Then I’ll take it later.

The Noise: I already beat you to that.

Lacey checks her pockets.

Lacey: he did, as well! how?

The Noise: Oh, you know. ;)

Matt: No. We don’t know.

And then I see that he’s twirling the e-Handbook on his finger while everyone else takes theirs out. I look at banan. They’ve had the same idea I did. 

And all the lights go off.

I rush to where Anya was as everyone tries to see due to it being pitch black. But she’s holding nothing. I can at least get someone, right? I grab a random e-Handbook and shove it in my pocket. It’s a noticeable bulge in my trouser pocket, but given that everyone is starting to scramble around in the darkness, I decide that I might as well grab someone else’s and dart to my dorm. So I do. I rush to the classroom next to the one I woke up in and hide them in the closet, before locking it with a bike lock I got from the machine earlier. I rush back into the cafeteria, and a few seconds later, the lights come on. The Noise looks at his now empty hand, and his jaw literally drops right to the floor.

The Noise: WHO TOOK MY RIGHTFULLY STOLEN E-HANDBOOK?!

I’ll have to find out whether that was me or not later. First, I need to take stock of who’s missing theirs.

Anya: Where Anya’s go? Hey, you can’t…

She cut herself off. How weird.

Judge: It seems that I have lost something most dear to me. How unfortunate. I do not need an excuse to kill you, but now I have one nonetheless. I would like to see how these videos are presented, after all.

Akechi: Never mind that, who was it who turned off the lights? 

Eric: No, do mind that! I didn’t even get to experience this new fangled technological advancement before it was taken from me!

Akechi: Someone turned off the lights remotely, that much is for sure. Not all electricity, the e-Handbooks still seemed to be working, but I am willing to believe that around two people went and stole two each or so. 

banan: probably a bit more, i’m missing mine.

Are they, now? Why do I doubt that?

Matt: I left mine in my dorm, because I’m not stupid enough to carry a fairly sizeable tablet around with me.

10HBM: I DID THE SAME.

Sayori: Oh, I didn’t have to lug this thing around?

Doofenshmirtz-2: It means you can still watch your video. Or better, let me watch yours. 

Sayori: I’m not entirely sure I want to do either of those things.

Matt: I’m going to leave now. I want to make sure my e-Handbook is still safe.

Basil: I’m going to watch my video.

Akechi: That may not be the wisest idea. After all, if these videos are meant to be, in some way, a motive for us, then they will have information, most likely, that is going to demoralize us. I am personally not going to watch mine.

Basil: Actually, y-yeah, you may be right…

Eric: My choice in the matter has been removed, most terribly.

Matt: Talk like a normal person.

Jay: You say that.

Matt: Your mind being too narrow to comprehend the full complexities of my expansive vocabulary is not the same as an individual almost intentionally seeming to use outdated grammatical structures to form sentences that should be simple.

Jay: …what?

Matt: You being an idiot isn’t the same as him using weird grammar. Did I dumb it down enough for you? We can go further! You stupid. He use dumb grammar. Want me to make it simpler?

Jay: Fuck you, man.

Matt: I’m not interested in sex with women.

Jay: THAT WASN’T WHAT I MEANT!

Lacey: i like sex with women! 

A few people stare at her. Wow, thought we were all for love in the 21st century. Honestly.

Lacey: what?

Jay: You… kinda just said that out of nowhere, Lace.

The Noise: Lace, huh?

Jay: Wh-no-WE’RE NOT DATING.

The Noise: Never said you were!

Sonic: But, I mean, if that’s what you thought…

Jay: I’M LEAVING.

She leaves. How pathetic.

Matt: I’m also leaving. Goodbye.

I leave. The cafeteria doors close behind me. I rush into the classroom unseen and check the cupboard. I wait until I hear the footsteps of people leaving, and decide the best thing to do is to see if I can sneak out now with the e-Handbooks. I need to see who I got.

I notice the vents. No, I couldn’t fit through them. At least, not comfortably enough.

…but there are other ways of doing things.

No, no, banan has the size to fit through the vents, and so does Guest, Anya, Ado… a few people could fit. I need to find another way.

…I do still have an EMP device.

I hear a noise coming from the vents, and I disable the camera in the room with the device. Monokuma will come fix it soon, anyway. I don’t want him to have a single advantage.

banan exits the vent. 

banan: no need to use your stupid device, i already disabled comms.

So they know I’m here. Might as well exit, then.

Matt: And what exactly are you up to, then?

banan: apparently, same thing as you. i hid some things in the vents. whose did you get?

I check the e-Handbooks. Lacey and Eric Birling.

Matt: Why would I tell you?

banan: good point. anyway, wanna hang out?

Matt: Taken a very different turn from ‘I’LL KILL YOU’ to ‘bestest buddies uwu’. Sorry, but I don’t feel like having an ‘enemies to lovers’ arc.

banan: as if i’d be interested in you. but keep your friends close and your enemies closer, as they say. i don’t know who, but they say it anyway. and since i don’t have any friends here…

Couldn’t hurt to get to know more about them properly this time. Especially without Monokuma listening in. 

Matt: Why not? 

banan: great! 

Matt: So why are you so small?

banan: i regret this already! 

Matt: For that matter, do you have a different molecular structure to me? Or anyone else, given your specific talents? Other than the card swiping, of course.

banan: i have a skeleton. the way i look is similar to that of a crewmate, which is this weird space bean that only has one bone.

Matt: One bone?

banan: yep!

Matt: What the fuck?

banan: i wonder about that too! what about you? let’s do the classic question and answer session.

Matt: Me? I’m a Mii. We look like cartoony versions of real people, from my understanding. What are you exactly?

banan: an imposter.

Matt: Your species is called ‘imposter’?

banan: yes. why?

Matt: Never mind.

banan: why do you hate sportsmates?

Matt: I will never like those colonial cunts.

banan: so you got colonized?

Matt: You don’t even want to know what happened before I moved to the now taken over Wuhu Island and then the so far safe Tomodachi Island. It was painful, probably.

banan: ‘probably’?

Matt: I dunno, don’t exactly feel much about it. They suck at sports, but they have better weapons. They host sports tournaments to try and preach about inclusivity, but I’ve had to survive 5 terrorist attacks from those fuckers. Didn’t stop them crying about ‘we have the right to defend ourselves’ when I proceeded to beat three of them to death. The decolonization is slow, but it will happen. I mean, they don’t even have nuclear bombs. Honestly. 

banan: i’m sorry, could you repeat whatever in the name of innersloth you just said?

Matt: I dunno, don’t exactly feel much about it. They suck at sports, but they have better weapons. They host sports tournaments to try and preach about inclusivity, but I’ve had to survive 5 terrorist attacks from those fuckers. Didn’t stop them crying about ‘we have the right to defend ourselves’ when I proceeded to beat three of them to death. The decolonization is slow, but it will happen. I mean, they don’t even have nuclear bombs. Honestly. 

banan: …you know what? that’s my fault. i asked for that. 

Matt: That you did. What’s your day job, then?

banan: i go onto ships full of crewmates and i try to kill them all by lying to them and sowing the seeds of doubt to make them vote each other out while they do tasks. to be fair, role changes, and sometimes i’ve been a crewmate. i make clean card swipes, which i know what you’re gonna say, but literally everyone else fails to do it. 

Matt: Yeah, what a meaningful thing. Your talent is so boring that I’m actually already running out of jokes for it. Genuinely, you should just end it all with a talent like that. 

banan: are you /srs or /j

Matt: Slash es ar es, since you used those unironically in real speech.

banan: you don’t exactly make it obvious

Matt: Good. Suffer.

banan: fuck you

Matt: I’d never fuck your Level 1 Gyatt.

banan: DIE PAINFULLY

Matt: Serious or j?

banan: i’m leaving

Sure enough, they leave.

I have some time left, but I figure I’m going to spend that time watching the motive videos.

I start with Lacey’s.

And there’s a person with completely indistinguishable features.

???: Oh, Lacey… Where did you go? I’ve been waiting for you for so long now… And you just left me all alone?

Who the hell is this? 

???: That’s so mean, Lacey. But I forgive you. I love you, Lacey. Come back to me. COME BACK! Are you playing a game of hide and seek? I’ll find you, don’t worry. I’ll find you wherever you hide…

The video stops.

I guess, it’s time to see what’s occurring with Eric Birling? I don’t… really think I can use that against Lacey. I don’t have enough context. Never mind, Eric’s video should be interesting enough.

The video starts playing. There’s a girl with brown hair and a red dress.

Girl with red dress: Oh, Eric, where did you go? Our parents have lost it at this point. I’m not sure whether they’re searching for you so desperately based on their actual love for you or the more likely option of them just being scared of their reputation plummeting, but they’ve been searching for you for ages. We thought you’d been taken into prison for, well, everything. But it turned out the police didn’t have a record of you? Some people told me if I tested out this new technology, it would help you with leaving the place you’re in. They’re not telling me much, and Gerald also went missing the other day. Oh, please, Eric, do come back, I really can’t take this much longer.

The video stops again. I somewhat understand the incentive here. The people behind this obviously found a close person to Eric, and the motive is to kill to get back to them, or protect them, since this works as a thinly veiled threat. But then what the hell was with Lacey’s? I would look at mine, but I’m not going to do that because it’ll probably just confuse me. Or maybe I should? No, I don’t need to. I understand the purpose behind these motives, and I don’t think I need to see my own. What I should see is if I can access the e-Handbooks of more people. banan stole two of the ones I most want to see, but I can find a solution. I spend some time sleeping now.

I wake up a few hours later, and decide I might as well go to the store to do some more gambling.

FINALLY, A FUCKING 3DS. I’ll mod it later.

I spend a few more minutes gambling, and get a second 3DS. Excellent.

I leave and go to see if anyone’s in the cafeteria I can talk with. 

And then the nighttime announcement plays.

DING, DONG, BING, BONG

Monokuma: Attention, students! It is now 10 PM! As such, the cafeteria will now be locked off and water will be turned off. Lights out and knives out if you don’t want to get killed during the night!

…oh, shit.

I try to open the door. It does not work. I’m stuck in the cafeteria. And sleeping in an area that isn’t my dorm is punishable.

By the name of Shigeru Miyamoto, I swear, I’m going to… oh, wait, I have a 3DS.

Really glad I caught up on my sleep earlier. I decide to get to playing on the 3DS. Only to be rudely interrupted by banging sounds.

I look. Turns out I’m not alone.

Basil: WAIT NO LET ME OUT!

Matt: Don’t bother. They lock the doors at this point. Oh, and don’t bother with the whole ‘going to sleep’ thing, there’s a rule saying they’ll punish you for that.

Basil: O-oh.

I check. No one’s here with us.

Matt: Want a 3DS to pass the time?

Basil: It’s fine. I probably wouldn’t be sleeping well tonight anyway…

It seems to occur to him what he just said, and he backpedals instantly.

Basil: B-because of the k-k-k-killing game, of course!

Matt: Did you forget I know some of what you’ve done, or something?

And now that I think about it, this is a very good opportunity to interrogate him. Fill in some gaps.

Basil: Oh, yeah. 

Matt: Why don’t you tell me who it was you helped?

Basil: That’s…!

Matt: Perfectly reasonable. OK, let’s start simpler. Who was in your motive video?

Basil: …Polly…

Don’t know who Polly is, but probably an important person.

Matt: I see.

Basil: What about you?

Matt: I didn’t watch that shit. 

Basil: Then how did you know there were people in it?

Clever.

Basil: Ah, I’m s-sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep my bounds!

But too weak, at least emotionally, to really be that much of a threat.

Matt: I overheard someone else talking about it in shock. It was a logical assumption to make. 

Basil: O-oh…

It takes a few minutes before he starts talking again.

Basil: So why are you here?

Matt: I’m here because I was gambling and wanted to see if anything was going on here. Now I’m trying to play BIT.TRIP RUNNER on the Nintendo 3DS. Surprisingly easy to mod, you know.

Basil: …yeah, I’d heard anyone can do it.

It takes another few minutes before he speaks again.

Basil: Did you know-

Matt: Probably not. And given this is a rhythm game, I don’t want to know, either.

Basil: Oh. Sorry.

Matt: Don’t apologize. Those are more words. And again, words interrupt a game that is at least partly about the sound.

Basil: …

I play for another 20 minutes before he interrupts again.

Basil: Why do you hate banan so much?

Matt: A, what did I say about talking? B, I think their talent is infinitely mockable, but I’d never waste time hating such an obviously minor character.

Basil: ‘Minor character’? That sounds a bit… mean…

Matt: And?

Basil: You shouldn’t be mean?

Matt: Why wouldn’t I be? No one here deserves my respect.

Basil: Oh… not even me?

Matt: As if I’d respect you. We’re partners due to circumstance, not because you’re respectable.

Basil: Yeah, I don’t deserve to live anyway…

Matt: When did I say that? You’re still more tolerable than a good 68% of the fuckers here. Also, if you kill yourself, then that is going to really look bad for me right now. 

Basil: Oh. I get that.

Matt: Yes, you do. Which is good. Play Mario Kart 7 with me so we don’t die of boredom.

Basil: Uh, sure!

I throw him the other 3DS. It hits him in the leg.

Basil: Owww…

Matt: Skill issue. Should’ve just dodged it.

Basil: O..K..?

He opens it.

Basil: Oh, I have no games on here.

Matt: This one is modded. It currently has three games. Mario Kart 7, BIT.TRIP RUNNER, and Super Smash Bros for Nintendo 3DS.

Basil: I figured it was on the 3DS…

Matt: Do you want to play or do you want to die of boredom?

Basil: I’ll play!

Matt: Good.

Obviously, I left out the fact it’s CTGP-7, so he seems to get very confused when he sees the roster.

Basil: Why is Kirby here? Why is SONIC here?! 

Matt: Where else would they be? In the theoretical infinite hotel that Hilbert came up with? Honestly, so judgey for no reason.

Basil: That’s not… what?

Matt: I’m going Waluigi. 

Basil: I guess I’ll go Kirby…

We both start playing the courses. I think he completely accepts it after the Miku themed rainbow road stage. Eventually, we finish.

Basil: O-oh…

Matt: What were you expecting? I’m just built different.

Basil: Can we play something different?

Matt: Sure.

I thrash his ass in Smash 4 for 8 consecutive matches before he finally gives up.

Basil: I enjoyed playing with you.

Matt: Yes, I could tell you were feeling overjoyed when you threw the console at the wall for the third time.

Basil: …it’s because I was so happy?

Matt: I’m sure.

I then hear voices outside.

I immediately turn off the 3DS volume and move my ear to the door.

Basil: What’s… going on?

Matt: Shut up.

Jay?: What are you doing? PUT THAT AWAY, I’LL BEAT YOUR AS-

She stops. A slicing sound is audible. 

I hear a creaking sound, and then nothing.

Matt: …what the fuck?

Basil: Did we just hear…

Matt: Just hear what? Be specific.

Basil: A… death?

Matt: Think we can do anything about it right now?

Basil: …true.

I hear slight shuffling sounds, and then a loud explosion from the library or something?

Matt: This just seems unneeded.

Basil: …

Matt: Welp, guess we wait. 

I go back to playing BIT.TRIP RUNNER.

------

MONOKUMA THEATRE

Monokuma: You want to be a mastermind? You better make sure you have some motives planned! There’s so many to choose from, but there’s still so many that people default to! I’m not complaining, though! You can’t beat the classics, and sometimes simplicity is just effective! The motives, no matter how unoriginal and played out, do their job, and they do it well! I wonder if this motive had much effect? We’ll see, I suppose!

------

…what the hell did I just see on that TV?

Basil: Did you also see that?

Matt: Yep. 

DING, DONG, BING, BONG

Monokuma: Good morning, students! It is now 7 AM, and nighttime is officially over! Time to rise and shine and get ready to greet another beeee-yutiful day!

I rush out of the cafeteria. Where the hell was that body?

…the classroom door is open.

So I enter it, Basil following from behind.

Sonic speeds in.

The classroom is still damaged from mine and Doofenshmirtz-2’s brief battle. Well, I say battle. It was more like a really short beatdown. But now there’s blood that wasn’t there before. And a body in the wreckage of the tables.

Doofenshmirtz-2 arrives at this point. And then he sees it too. 

DING, DING, DING, DING

A different sound.

Monokuma: A body has been discovered! After a certain amount of time, which you may use however you like, the Class Trial will begin! But first, everyone please come to Class 1-B!

The intercom switches off.

Everyone rushes in. And one in particular is distraught when they see the body.

Lacey: …Jay…? no… no… not again…

Because as it is, Jay sits, her head off her neck and in her lap, and no sign of life at all.

----------------------------

Alive: Matt, banana, Basil, Anya, Steve, Regina, Ringu, Lacey, Jay, Makoto, Judge, Sonic, Sunny, Adeleine, The Noise, Doofenshmirtz-2, Guest, Henry, 10 Hour Burst Man, Eric Birling, V1, Goro Akechi, Sayori, Baldi

Chapter Text

I didn’t expect her to be first, honestly.

Like, I always thought she’d die, but I thought it would be either one of the easier targets or one of the more hateable ones. My first guess was honestly that it would have been Ado. They’ve been generally quiet and unmemorable enough to be first death. Or someone like Doofenshmirtz-2, who was building himself up to be an antagonist only to get killed. Instead, it’s Jay. Which means that the one person who knew her is in more despair than anyone else here. And that’s the person who’s confirmed to have experience with dead bodies. I guess I’d better break the silence so that we can conduct a more thorough investigation without the whole ‘oh god how could one of you do this you people i don’t know can’t just kill someone it’s not real’ spiel.

Ado: Oh Void… that…

Of course they had to say that and vomit before I could speak.

Matt: I think we should start by considering who it can’t be. 

Akechi: It obviously wasn’t Lacey, so we can start by ruling her out. If Ado vomited after seeing a dead body, it’s also unlikely to be their doing. I’d also say that by checking the Body Discovery Announcement, we can clear at least three people right away. And then I believe we simply investigate this area, while also getting alibis. Who here has experience with dead bodies?

I raise my hand.

Akechi: A surprise, but is there anyone else who has ever investigated a crime scene before?

Basil, banan, Akechi and the Judge raise their hands. And I’m genuinely not sure if banan’s lying or not, at this point.

Matt: I think we should rule out the ‘Ultimate War’ from investigating, personally.

Akechi: That would be a wise move. I do not believe we will need to position guards at the body. But there is one more person with a talent that explicitly states they will be of great assistance here.

Akechi walks up to Lacey.

Matt: Maybe in another case. Do you really think she’s going to be in the right mind now, though?

Akechi: Lacey. Don’t you want to get revenge on the killer? Don’t you want to see them pay for what they’ve done? I know how you feel. I know it all too well. But I refuse to let another individual wallow in despair. 

Matt: I get it. But you know what? Bottle up those emotions and help us execute the bastard who did this.

Lacey: …yeah. i guess i’ll do the autopsy, if that’s what you’re asking. for revenge.

Akechi: Thank you.

Sonic: That, uh, doesn’t sound very healthy, but… I think I can help? I mean, I actually died before, so who knows?

...it really sucks that I have to ignore that.

Matt: Everyone’s free to investigate and find anything. We have an autopsy to do. Unless you have something to say, Monokuma?

The bear is mad.

Monokuma: How did you near instantly manage to take control of the investigation? You didn’t even let the despair sink in!

Akechi: It’s not very productive. Now, inevitably there are going to be at least two people here, probably a lot more, who are feeling overwhelmed at this. If so, you are free to leave and go somewhere else. Wait out until the trial is over. We will not judge you. People will often have adverse reactions to seeing a dead body for the first time. So if anyone feels as if they are about to vomit like Ado just did, I would recommend going to the bathroom and staying there rather than potentially contaminating the crime scene..

Just then, Sayori walks in, looking distraught, and I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t even realize she wasn’t here.

Sayori: There was blood in the ba-

She sees the body. I make a mental note of what she just said as she tries to hold in vomit and rushes off somewhere.

Matt: Huh. Maybe just go to your dorms, then. Or don’t, I’m not the boss of you.

Henry, Anya, Ado and Baldi all leave. Honestly, less than I was expecting.

Monokuma: You really just skipped over all the juicy bits! The things everyone comes to Danganronpa for!

Danganronpa? Everyone comes to? Is this being streamed somewhere? Definitely important information. The killing game has a name. And someone comes to it. I’m getting a hint for the overarching reason this was made. But sadly, that’s going to have to wait until I’m in control of the case. For that, I need to know everything.

Or maybe just one specific thing. They say life hinges on a single action, right? 

But I digress. 

Matt: OK, do you have any information on the case? Please do divulge anything you have, Monokuma.

Monokuma: Why, you’re not threatening me? This is a different one after all! Anyway, are you ready for the Monokuma File?

Matt: The what?

Monokuma: Monokuma File! It gives you information on the body!

Matt: Alright, let’s see this file.

Monokuma: It’s already been added to your e-Handbooks!

Wait, shit, I still have Lacey’s. 

Lacey: i’m missing mine.

Eric: I also appear to be missing mine. My god, this is all very depressing, isn’t it?

Doofenshmirtz-2: Eh, if she couldn’t even keep herself alive for a full five days, did she really deserve to live anyway? Dead weight. Inevitable, really.

Sonic: Ever hear of ‘situational awareness’?

Doofenshmirtz-2: Please, as if anyone would ever really care about such an obviously stupid and irrelevant girl cosplaying as a guy.

Matt: That wasn’t even remotely something that happened, the fuck are you talking about?

Doofenshmirtz-2: We’re better off that she’s not here making stupid remarks.

Actually, she would have been more ideal as a potential scapegoat or later victim if I ever felt like actively killing. And why is he so confident now? I check the Monokuma File.

Matt: Me, Basil, and Sonic are listed as finding the body. I hope you realize you’re still a suspect.

Doofenshmirtz-2: Does that change the fact that her death was really not something that mattered? Honestly, it’s more of an inconvenience, if anything. She interrupted my building process.

Lacey: shut the fuck up. i’m pretty sure only the blackened for jay gets punished, right?

Monokuma: Correct!

Lacey: so i could kill you here. i could. i would. i would do it instantly if you don’t shut the fuck up.you get that? do you? DO YOU?

Matt: Cook.

Akechi: I do not believe that the self confessed dictator should be allowed near the body. Someone please tie him down to a chair. 

Doofenshmirtz-2: Oh, you believe you can stop me? I’m beyond all of

Sonic already did it. Which is good. 

Matt: You’re what, now? What was it you were going to say?

Doofenshmirtz-2: I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS, I WILL RUIN YOU, I WILL

banan: can we just get on with the investigation already

Doofenshmirtz-2: YOU DARE TO INTERRUPT ME?! I WILL GRIND YOU TO PIE

Akechi: Let’s start by reading the file.

INVESTIGATION START

I read the file on my e-Handbook.

-----

Monokuma File V1: 

CAUSE OF DEATH

The victim is Jay ???.

The body was discovered in Class 1-B by Matthew Lastname, Basil Omori and Sonic The Hedgehog.

The estimated time of death is believed to be 11:20. 

There are cuts all over the body, along with the head having been detached and the spine having been broken.

-----

Good to have both me and Basil cleared from suspicion early. But while it’s nice to have some information, it’s barebones at best and would only really be helpful if there were signs of poison or drugs or something in the blood. If there were, they’re evidently not relevant to the wider case. And it doesn’t list the cause of death? Interesting.

Akechi: This is notable. Why is there a greyed out section on this e-Handbook named ‘Truth Bullets’?

Basil: I got ‘Monokuma File V1’ on the Truth Bullets section. I can access that. It just collects up the evidence, apparently?

The Noise: Awww, why can’t I have that?

Matt: Why are you here in the first place? But they do have a point for once.

Akechi: Indeed. Why do you have that, Basil?

Basil: I don’t know? 

Monokuma: Because he’s the protagonist!

Matt: Oh yeah, you never left, did you?

Monokuma: Why would you want me to?

Regina: What do you mean, ‘Basil’s the protagonist’? Basil doesn’t look like protagonist material comparing with anything I’ve seen.

Monokuma: That he’s the main character! The beacon of hope! In other words, he’s the only one who can access Truth Bullets! It’s a way of cataloguing all the evidence you have and using it to smash through people’s lies or confirm what they say in trial!

Matt: WHY THE FUCK IS HE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THAT?!

Guest: yeah that does sound weird

Monokuma: You’ll see! Honestly, you’re the first who brought up the Truth Bullets. Everyone else accepts them!

Matt: So you’ve done more games like this before and only now do people realize something?

Akechi: You truly are abhorrent, Monokuma, but that was somewhat helpful information, at least. 

Monokuma: I’ve got some Kubs to kill now! See you!

And the bear disappears.

Eric: My god, that bear is a sick and twisted being.

Judge: Is he? He seems to be the only one who understands the glory of control. Control and death. Men were made to kill, and the bear was made to harness our natural calling. What disgusts me is that I don’t have control over it. I must have everything.

Sonic: OK, can you please stop talking? You’re not helping anyone here!

Judge: What does it matter? What could you do to stop me?

V1: MURDER.

Judge: Go on. Do it. Prove everything I say to be right. I know you want to, but sadly for you, I do not tether myself to this mortal coil. I am beyond death. I may bring it, but I will never suffer from it. I will never die. All you will do is prove that humanity is, indeed, built to cause death.

Basil: That’s not a human…

V1: I AM A KILLING MACHINE.

Judge: And who made you? Men. But no matter. Prove me wrong. Prove that, in truth, humans can be moral creatures. I will help you in this case. I saw the corpse go into the school at 11:13, and I did also see the blue haired girl follow. 

Akechi: That is helpful information, that gives us a time

Judge: I also saw them leave together at around 11:37. 

So much for a time frame.

Judge: Now, I will see you in the trial. 

He somehow leaves without a trace. He didn’t even walk or anything, he just teleported or some shit.

Sunny: is anyone else gonna talk about how he was naked?

Sonic: I’m really glad you brought that up, because I was going to, but it just felt awkward. When I asked him about it, he just said ‘I don’t follow constraints, I decide them’ and then went and lectured me about why public nudity’s cool. I mean, even I at least wear shoes, you know?

Akechi: Nevertheless, while he is certainly questionable at best, he did provide some useful information. Even if it also puts him in an interesting position.

Matt: Did that get added to your ‘Truth Bullet’ thing or whatever, Parsley?

Basil: …Parsley? Uh, yeah. ‘Judge Holden’s account’ was added.

Good to know. But I need to keep note of everything we find, and try and make sure he only gets the evidence I want him to have. Slight problem, not only are we both confirmed entirely safe, but he has the collection of evidence. So I need someone else to stay with him in case someone tries to kill him to get rid of the evidence. Because, last I checked, this could potentially turn into a free for all. And while we’re safe, it means that we don’t have the same ability to be turned into scapegoats, so it would be murdering him rather than framing him. Which means I need two people to stay with him while I investigate on my own. 

Akechi: Matt, shall I and you stay with Basil to ensure his safety? After all, he does have the collection of evidence we need.

Goddammit. It would be suspicious if I got someone else to…

Matt: Actually, how about Sonic and you stay with Basil? I have some independent investigating to do.

Not only am I confirmed safe, but I also have such an airtight alibi that I’m bound to be free from suspicion. I should be fine.

Akechi: And why would you do that? Last I checked, you have no motive to, since you are one of the people who discovered the body. Though, come to think of it, how did you and Basil discover it before Sonic? Did you know that a murder had occurred? And if so, how?

Matt: Nah, I just wanted to check if I’d left something in the classroom and Basil followed me for safety. Not the best idea to be in a killing game on your own.

Akechi: Yes, but I did notice you interrupting me when I was about to suggest a buddy system. Which is certainly a contradiction to what you just said. Strange, isn’t it? 

Shit, he noticed?

Akechi: I’m sure you and Basil aren’t even remotely connected to the murder. But your behaviour has been somewhat odd, so I simply wanted to make sure that your intentions weren’t malicious. It is a killing game, and this could be a prime opportunity to dispose of people you’re not so fond of, after all, not to say the least of the fact you were somehow the first two on the scene. In fact, can I be sure you’re not connected to the murder? Accomplices are a thing.

Matt: I doubt you’d get anything for being an accomplice.

Akechi: You can say that as much as you want, but people can hide their true intentions. Nonetheless, this both ensures the safety of the evidence and erases any doubts I may have about you.

Oh, that smooth talking motherfucker.

Matt: And how do I know you’re a real detective? If we’re going to play this game, it extends both ways, right?

Akechi pulls out a police badge.

Matt: …wait, how are old even are you?

Akechi: I believe this is the proof you wanted that I am who I say I am. I have fulfilled my part of the deal, so are you going to fulfill yours?

…dammit, I’ve been cornered.

Matt: Fine, we can investigate together. 

You’re on my list.

Akechi: Excellent. Now, may I know how exactly both of you knew where to look for the body? Forgive me for being skeptical of your story, but the timing doesn’t quite add up with how immediate it was.

Matt: The door was open and we both got up early to go to eat. I thought I’d dropped something here, but it turned out to be inaccurate. What can I say? Now there’s a body. 

Basil: What about-

Matt: Oh, yeah, forgot to mention the pivotal fact that I heard Doofenshmirtz-2 planning to kill Basil, so I stuck with him to make sure it didn’t happen.

If I hide the fact we were in the cafeteria for now, I can  use it to trip someone up later when their account is inevitably false.

Lacey: i checked jay. some of these cuts are… they’re… some cuts are slightly fresher. not all of these were at the same time. some of these were later. 

Akechi: Interesting.

Matt: Did you check the back?

Lacey: …

I move to the back and check.

Matt: I have figured out why the spine is broken.

It occurs to me that various people have left the classroom now, presumably to go hide evidence or ‘investigate’ on their own. That does not include Basil, who steps back and lets out a strangled cry in shock.

Matt: Yeah, I wasn’t expecting the massive hole either.

Lacey: the what?

Lacey then checks the hole.

Lacey: …

Matt: You know what, I think we have everything we need from the body. Did you get all of that on your e-Handbook, Thyme?

Basil: Yeah.

Akechi: Now, my own question. What of the state of this classroom?

We ignore Lacey and look around the room. The only damage is that that’s been done from mine and the dicktator’s fight yesterday. But that doesn’t answer the explosion. What is going on here? Nevertheless, the state of the room being from that fight is something I can objectively hide, and will hide. Doofenshmirtz-2 is gagged so he can’t correct me, either, and I can use this to trip someone like him up. Because then I’d have to elaborate on what occurred, and having the EMP is an advantage I don’t want to lose.

Matt: I have no idea, but someone probably wanted to create the illusion of a struggle.

Lacey: ‘illusion’?

Matt: If she didn’t even know what ‘embodiment’ meant, I doubt she could’ve put up a serious fight against the strong majority of the people here. 

Lacey: she… she wouldn’t have just taken it.

Matt: She was decapitated. I think it’s easy enough to assume she didn’t really get the chance to fight back.

Lacey: sh-she’s the strongest person i know, she wouldn’t have

Matt: I think that’s more of an evaluation of the people you know. When we have people here like the ‘Ultimate War’ or ‘Ultimate Killing Machine’ or even talents as prestigious as the ‘Ultimate Card Swiper’

banan: i wish you were the first death

Matt: Skateboarding? It isn’t going to cut it. 

Lacey: but she

Akechi: I understand you don’t want to imagine she just gave in and died. I understand the sensation very well. And I do believe there was a struggle here, but regardless, we do have to work with the evidence we have. And not one person was, in any way, actually hurt beyond what we have seen with Jay. Logically, if there had been a significant struggle between her and the culprit, injuries would show themselves.

…unless… no, I’ll save that for when I need it.

Matt: Anyway, I think add ‘Signs Of A Struggle’ to your tablet thing.

Basil: I don’t add them. They just get added. 

Matt: How the hell was I supposed to know that? Never mind, is there anything else we need to note?

Akechi: We have all the information I believe we can gather here, except for interrogating Lacey and the dictator.

Doofenshmirtz-2: ( extremely muffled like the loser he is ) Eye hofe a nae, ou no!

Matt: I honestly don’t think he knows anything. If he did, he’d be stringing us along with whatever he did have from the start. He’s probably not involved. 

Akechi: True. Should we just leave him here, gagged and bound?  Until the trial starts, of course.

Matt: What do you mean? He can get to the trial like that. If he doesn’t, that’s one less liability to worry about.

Basil: I-I know he’s bad, but

Akechi: You make a valid point. However, it would be over far too quickly for my liking. He deserves to suffer, not just be killed instantly.

You know what? I think I like you.

Doofenshmirtz-2: Owe, eye amf ging teh GIT ou.

Lacey: Try anything and I’ll kill you.

Doofenshmirtz-2: Gez, eye’m ju

Matt: Can we leave now? Or do you have anything to say, Lacey? You were the last one seen with her, so you could tell us what was occuring. 

Lacey: i didn’t go in the building. i just went with her on the walk to and from. i gave her my knife so that she would be safe, and she came out and walked with me afterwards.

Akechi: Why did she enter the building?

Lacey: …she never said. she just said i should come with her and that it was urgent. she then freaked out a bit over me having a knife. not as much as i thought she would, though. it was weird. 

Akechi: I see.

Matt: Wait, but what time did you see her go to the dorm initially?

Lacey: after she left the hall with the whole, well, video thing.

Matt: Did you see her after that?

Lacey: only when she came out of her dorm.

…I’m putting together a theory, but there’s too many variables to be absolutely sure. I need more. 

Matt: Can you give us anything else? 

Lacey: no. she went into the dorm after we got back. i didn’t hear the door open again. and now she’s…

Akechi: Thank you. That was helpful information. We shouldn’t need to conserve the body anymore, so if you would like, you can come with us.

Lacey: NO. no. i… i want to stay with her. 

banan: good for you but is there anything for us to learn in this place or is that everything

Matt: Yeah, that seems to be everything. 

All four of us leave while Blue Hair And PTSD stays crying over the body.

Matt: Where next?

Akechi: I would suggest either Jay’s dorm or the bathroom. 

banan: anyway i’mma go investigate on my own

Matt: Oh, you are, are you?

They’re already gone. Dammit.

Akechi: Dorm or bathroom?

Matt: Basil, you’re the leader, you can choose.

Akechi: Yes, why not?

Basil: U-um, I guess the do-

Sonic walks in at this moment.

Sonic: Hey guys! How’s the investigation going?

No ‘long time no see’? Surprising.

Sonic: I checked the dorm and there wasn’t anything there, so I don’t know how she got out, but I also checked some of the other dorms and did find an open vent in Anya’s room, which was weird. Thought you should note that. I’m gonna go see what’s in the storage area now. See ya!

He speeds off.

Akechi: That felt… off. But nonetheless, useful account.

Basil: ‘Sonic’s Findings’ were added to the Truth Bullets.

And to the bathroom we go. There’s two of them, but they’re both unlabelled.

Akechi: WHy have two bathrooms if you won’t even label them? How strange.

Basil: ‘Unlabeled Bathrooms’ were added?

Matt: Why? The lack of a label probably isn’t that relevant. 

Akechi: It depends on surrounding contexts.

I like to think I’m pretty smart, and I don’t see any way it could be helpful. How is this kid a detective? You just say ‘guys this specific thing looks suspicious’ and then suddenly you’re qualified for the job? 

Akechi: But we can get to that during the trial if it comes up. I believe we should go from bathroom to bathroom so we may find out what is going on.

We enter the bathroom door on the right first. Nothing but a broken mirror, oddly. We enter the left bathroom. There’s a bit more to dissect here.

Akechi: So there is indeed blood. But only a small amount on the sink. And the mirror in this one is also broken, one of the toilet stalls has had its door ripped off its hinges, and the vent is open again.

Matt: What even happened here?

Basil: ‘State Of Bathroom’ has been noted down?

Matt: Hey, there’s something on the floor.

Akechi bends down to look and I push him over.

Akechi: Ow, I hit my head because of that! Why would you ever do that?

Matt: I was bored.

Akechi: …we’re investigating a murder and you’re ‘bored’?

Matt: Yes.

Akechi: …regardless, there was indeed something on the floor.

He holds up a skateboard.

Matt: See? I helped with the investigation.

Akechi: Ah, you’re one of those kinds of people.

Matt: The fuck is that supposed to mean?

Akechi: We can confirm, at some point, the victim was here. But that doesn’t quite explain anything else. I suppose it’ll all come to light soon, though. 

Basil: ‘Skateboard’ added…

Matt: Is there anything else needed here or do we just go get alibis?

Basil: Um, what about… no, never mind.

Matt: Speak, Rosemary. 

Basil: S-sorry, this is probably stupid, but what about w-white space?

Akechi: Why would there be anything in WHITE SPACE?

Basil: The hole in the wall…

Matt: How is that going to

Akechi: Lead the way, Omori-san.

Basil: You can j-just call me Basil, Omori’s not even m-my last name anyway. 

Akechi: Understood, Basil-san. 

Matt: You can do what you want, I’m not going to WHITE SPACE. 

Akechi: How odd. Here I thought we were meant to be working together. But the moment someone offers a new perspective, you’re not even interested? Most unfortunate, Lastname-san.

Matt: A, seriously, stop with the honorifics. B, fuck you. C, I don’t see how WHITE SPACE is going to have anything useful. Spinach, are you sure there’s actually something helpful to the case there, or do you just want to go cry with eyepatch kid?

Akechi: Dismissive. He mentioned something specific, didn’t he?

Matt: Go ahead and find out your information. I’m leaving.

This was the excuse I was looking for earlier. Shame it couldn’t have happened earlier, but still, it’s something.

Now to focus on the part I’ve hidden from Akechi thus far. Admittedly, there is a chance of the femboy cracking under the pressure and telling him exactly what was occurring last night, and there’s a few reasons I want to avoid that. But those are the risks we have to take to get ahead in life. Now there’s someone who comes to mind when I think ‘explosion’. 

The Noise: Howdy, folks! It’s everyone’s favourite host, Theodore ‘The’ Noise, here to deliver fun for all the family! At least, all the family that actually matters.

Matt: Hello, Theodore.

The Noise: Senpai, you (*sniff*) finally noticed me!

Matt: Did you really just say the word ‘sniff’ out loud?

The Noise: O, joyous occasion! Finally, our bond has progressed and soon, we’ll be the bestest of buddies, the closest of confidants, the

Matt: If you want to be a ‘close confidant’, that means sharing knowledge. So why don’t you tell me what you were doing last night?

The Noise: Oh, simple! I was exercising my personal freedoms. You know?

That is simultaneously the dumbest, most useless and most suspicious thing you could’ve said. How does he do it?

Matt: Elaborate.

The Noise: Aight, so, yeah, I was, yeah, I was, like, in the place, yeah, and I dropped the thing, yeah, and the thing made a noise, yeah, and then I was like ‘but I’m the noise’, yeah, so I grabbed this person, yeah, and I threw them, yeah, and I ate some pasta, yeah, and I was are you even listening, yeah, I’ll kick your shit in, yeah

Matt: STOP. Just… stop. 

I think that a fair amount of that might be helpful, but god, he phrased it in the single most annoying way possible.

The Noise: Awww, you’re such a Tsundere, senpai!

Matt: Burn in hell. No, wait, even they wouldn’t want you.

The Noise: Oh, you do flatter me!

I leave before he can waste more of my time. Now, Sonic did say there was nothing in Jay’s dorm, but then how the hell did she get in and out of the school? I need to figure that out. 

banan: hey annoying orange

Matt: Weak. What do you want?

banan: you’ve been doing investigatory things still right

Matt: Did you figure that out all on your own? I’m so proud of you.

banan: seriously? i’m just expressing interest, no need to be so rude about it you unlovable fuckwit

Matt: So why exactly did you approach me?

banan: because i re checked the body out of boredom and found this piece of black cloth

They do, indeed, hand me a piece of black cloth. Seems like it was torn off of something.

Matt: You planted it.

banan: you have literally no evidence for that

Matt: …switch off comms.

banan: wdym ‘switch off comms’ i can’t exactly just do that you idiot

Yeah, OK, that was pretty stupid to say out loud, I will admit. But I’m also entirely sure that this cloth is them lying. They’re definitely suspicious.

Matt: Your alibi. Give it to me. 

banan: didn’t your mother ever teach you manners?

Matt: I was raised in an orphanage.

banan: … no the fuck you were not

Matt: Dammit, was really hoping you’d fall for that.

banan: anyway, if you really want to know, then i entered the dorm area but didn’t go in until 11:10, and a few people can verify this. naked hat man, art child, and bald guy saw me. i saw lacey and jay walk out at 11:06, and such is life. 

Matt: I see.

Helpful information and an airtight alibi. I still suspect you.

banan: anyway that’s all i wanted to share. also you’re still a piece of shit. hope this helps <3

Matt: Talking to yourself is said to be the first sign of madness, you know.

I leave before they can respond. Suffer. That should hopefully be enough information, but I still got some time to ki

DING, DONG, BING, BONG

Monokuma: Right, I’m getting bored! Everyone make your way to the gym!

…huh. I was expecting to use those two big doors outside. Maybe we’ll be lead there? 

I eventually arrive at the gym. Sadly, it seems someone freed the dictator. Here I was hoping he’d die like the bitch he is. 

Makoto: Where’s the bear?

Monokuma: Right here!

HE SAYS FROM RIGHT BEHIND ME. HOW DOES HE KEEP DOING IT, I SHOULD BE ACCUSTOMED TO IT BY NOW!

Monokuma: Now, everyone is here! That’s great! Now we can get ready to start the Trial!

Regina: We’re just having it here? Someone just died and you’re going to debate how in a gym ? So uncool.

Monokuma: Oh, no, no, no, I just thought of a better way to do things!

It is then that the floor plummets, all of us on it.

Monokuma: Make the entire floor an elevator!

WHY IS THIS GOING SO FAST?!

It lands pretty quickly, at least.

Monokuma: Now, everyone should see a door with their name on it! Just enter there and then once everyone’s ready, we can begin the trial!

I wait for everyone else to go. Other than Guest, who for some reason stays behind slightly. I figure this is the best time to try and get my thoughts in order. Realistically, I could probably put together a good picture of everything that happened. But that’s not what matters. This is my chance to see how everyone acts in this Class Trial. This is where the pressure will get to people and I’ll be able to see how they act. Then I can adjust my techniques accordingly.

It’s unclear, of course, how everyone will act. It’s also unclear exactly what set of events happened. But one thing is for sure. Someone murdered that skateboarder, and I’m both going to find out who and take control of this group of people. 

I suppose it’s time. No use beating around the bush. Jay isn’t getting any deader, after all. 

I put on my most disinterested face and I walk into the trial room.

Chapter Text

It certainly is a room, I’ll say that much. Not anything too special, simply just 24 chairs aligned in a circle. Not similar to any court room I’ve seen before. And then Monokuma has a chair right at the back of the entrance. One of the 24 chairs also has a picture of Jay crossed out, which is odd. 

Monokuma: Let’s begin with a basic explanation of the Class Trial!

banan: we argue until we guess who was the killer and someone gets punished, yes, we get it . why don’t we instead start with whatever the fuck that picture is? 

Monokuma: Ignoring your rude interruption, so, you… oh, it’s ruined. You ruined it! Anyway, the picture was because I thought it would be unfair for Jay to miss out just because she died!

Lacey: …you… you sick bastard.

Monokuma: Anyway, get to it!

…

Akechi: Is there a specific structure we need to follow here?

Matt: If there was, we’d have been told. But see, it was more important we had that stupid picture rather than any groundwork to follow.

Steve: I am Steve.

Baldi: That’s great!

Akechi: Why not simply recount the facts as they are?

The Noise: I think Matt did it.

Matt: Did you even read the Monokuma file? You know, the one that said I discovered the body ? Can’t exactly do that if I killed the bitch, can I?

The Noise: I still think you did it.

Matt: Go fuck yourself, you tiny little bastard man.

Akechi: We should really stop wasting time.

Judge: No, continue. Every child knows that the thrill of an argument is far more enjoyable than the truth. Just as the killer knew that the act of killing was far more valuable than embracing the collective.

Regina: Do we actually even have any evidence as to who killed her?

Akechi: The important thing is, we do know where she was killed.

Ringu: In the classroom , evidently.

Basil: No, that’s wrong!

Matt: Why the hell did you shout that?

Basil: Oh, s-sorry, I just thought it would sound cool…

banan: adding dramatic flair. nice. 

Basil: Anyway, Jay w-wasn’t actually killed in the classroom. She was killed in the left bathroom.

Lacey: she did say she needed the bathroom… 

Ringu: But the body was clearly in the classroom.

Basil: Yeah, but looking at the state of the bathroom, it’s honestly more likely she was killed there. That, and the fact her skateboard was in there.

Shit, he’s confident now.

Matt: You know, the classroom was still in a terrible state. How do you know for a fact she was killed in that specific tip rather than the other one?

Basil: Because of the blood. Also, the other classroom was also trashed, so I think it was a red herring. Uh, not that your theory was bad! It just was missing context.

banan: when a theory is wrong, that means it is bad. that is the definition of a bad theory. for someone so high and mighty, you look kinda stupid, don’t you, matthew? the real question is, since the bathroom doesn’t have any cameras, how would monokuma know who killed her? the judge kept track of everyone, so unless he was lying or he missed someone , it’s not like the mastermind or traitor could’ve seen what was going on. even then, they would probably have been noticed, right? 

Basil: I a-

Matt: Shut up, I’m talking now. What you fail to consider is that there are cameras outside the bathroom that can show who went in. So that’s probably how Monokuma knows. Do you think before you speak? Does a single thought go through that head, or is it all just the world’s worst improv? Because I’m not sure which one makes you look worse. There’s not exactly a way to get into that bathroom without being seen, right?

Basil: No, that’s wrong…

Intriguing.

Matt: Oh? You think so? Tell me, ‘Ultimate Photographer’, what hidden entry point did you find? Because there wasn’t one.

Basil: …the vent.

Akechi: The killer could easily have used the vent system to get in. Maybe even to get Jay in, which would explain the discrepancy between her being seen by the Judge and her being found dead in the classroom.

banan: do you think before you speak? does a single thought go through that head, or is it all just the world’s most hypocritical improv?

…oh. Well, now I just look stupid. That won’t do.

Matt: OK, fair enough, but one small issue. How did they move the body into the classroom? For that matter, why did they move it into the classroom?

Basil: I, um, don’t know that.

Regina: Someone else probably moved it, duh!

Matt: Hey, remember that bit where the body is discovered by the people who first saw it? If this other person had moved it, would Monokuma really exclude them?

V1: YOU ARE PRESUMING SHE WAS DEAD AT THAT POINT. IT IS MORE THAN POSSIBLE FOR AN ORGANIC LIFEFORM TO SURVIVE VARIOUS STAB WOUNDS UNTREATED.

Akechi: It’s not possible to survive decapitation, however. If we assume that Jay was killed in the left bathroom, there was no chance of her survival and she would have been dead when moved into the classroom. There was minimal chance of anyone else moving the body. The killer likely moved the body to misdirect everyone, and didn’t account for Sayori going into the left bathroom specifically, having torn off the labels as a gamble to get people to go to the right bathroom, being the generally closer bathroom to the dormitory and cafeteria. 

banan: why would the bathrooms be labelled?

Regina: Gendered bathrooms? You… didn’t realize this?

banan: what the fuck is a gender

Matt: Ah, you failed to account for something, Detective. There are non binary people here, such as banan or Ado. They don’t subscribe to either gender. As such, the point of gendering bathrooms is lost.

banan: no genuinely what in the name of innersloth are you all talking about

Akechi: Admittedly, I had failed to consider that. But I feel it is unlikely that the despair fetishist bear would be so progressive.

Monokuma: I’m not the one who designed this school, so…

Matt: There you go. Those labels probably didn’t ever exist.

Akechi: …then why even have two? What the hell was the point of having two? It… why… wait, the dorms have bathrooms.

Sayori: True!

Matt: Only speak if you have something worthwhile to say.

Akechi: If the dorms have bathrooms, then what is the POINT of having TWO SEPARATE UNLABELED BATHROOMS?! Monokuma, please tell me who did design this school, because I have more than a few complaints building up.

Lacey: focus.

Doofenshmirtz-2: You’re in no position to tell us what to do!

Matt: Sonic, you’re next to the dictator, right?

Sonic: On it!

Sonic kicks the dictator in the leg, and I watch him fall with glee.

Doofenshmirtz-2: OWOWOWOW! I’LL EXECUTE YOU IN PUBLIC!

Eric: Chaps, we should focus on the actual death. That ghastly death.

Akechi: My apologies, I just got sidetracked. At the very least, we can still agree that moving the body was to misdirect us . 

Sayori: So the killer , um, dragged the body across to the classroom ?

Akechi: There was no blood in the halls , so it’s unlikely.

I don’t know what other Truth Bullets they got, so I’m going in blind at this part. But worst comes to worst, I have a suspicion of who exactly moved the body. 

Matt: Regardless of how, I think I know the who . I blame Theodore .

The Noise: Gasp! You would really leave me to bleed like this?

Matt: With pleasure.

Wait.

Akechi: Interesting phrasing there. Perhaps Matt was an accomplice after all. It certainly explains why he wanted to get away from me so badly.

Basil: No, that’s wrong…

At least he’s less confident in general. But if they’re about to reveal what I think he is, this could be bad.

Basil: U-um, me and Matt kinda got locked in the cafeteria at night. There should be a battered 3DS in there. I lost track of time and he was… just kinda there. We actually heard Jay shouting and also an explosion from the library?

Shit, I forgot to check what was in the library.

Basil: I-i don’t actually know where it came from.

Matt: …maybe it was the classroom.

They were pretty close, and I’ll admit, I’m not completely infallible. Who knows, maybe the classroom was bombed and I just assumed it was the one me and Doofenshmirtz-2 fought in. Actually…

Matt: Thinking back on it, that would also explain why the classroom was so damaged. And Theodore’s entrance was from exploding a wall in a white void.

Akechi: Yes, because none of this is information that would have been helpful to know during the actual investigation.  

Basil: Matt kinda took control of that, so I’m not sure what it was about.

My strategy was to try and lead the actual culprit into a trap using the events I’m sure happened. By having them discreetly reveal themselves, I can then use it against them without having to bring up anything that isn’t necessary. Evidently, that just couldn’t happen. The knowledge gap just isn’t there anymore. At least, not in this specific instant. But I can frame the explosion as part of the classroom debacle, at least. Hell, presenting myself as nothing more than an arrogant blowhard may be beneficial. They say to never underestimate people, right? So obviously, I’m not going to reveal my actual strategy.

Matt: I didn’t think it was relevant, and I didn’t want to get sidetracked on unimportant details. The actual explosion and even hearing the murder doesn’t matter.

Let’s see how this works.

Akechi: Fair enough, I suppose. Was there anything else you heard?

Matt: The corpse spoke thus: ‘PUT THAT AWAY, I’LL BEAT YOUR ASS’. There was then a slicing sound and silence. 

banan: oh god the bathrooms aren’t soundproofed

Akechi: The architects didn’t even have the courtesy to do THAT?

Ringu: Focus, child.

Akechi: Sorry, lost my… could you repeat what you just called me? 

Steve: Uh, I have a suggestion.

Matt: Is your suggestion that you’re Steve?

Steve: No, I’m not that one note a character. I’m just thinking, if The Noise bombed the classroom, and wasn’t mentioned in the Body Discovery, doesn’t that mean he probably killed Jay as well? 

The Noise: Then why didn’t the Judge see me?

Matt: You can run at Mach 20. How would the Judge see you?

The Noise: Mach 20 would still be visible! 

Henry: He might have been lying like a filthy little liar! 

Sonic: Why would he do that?

The Noise: He is pretty clearly insane.

Matt: Oh, that’s rich coming from you.

The Noise: Well, this is getting interesting, isn’t it? I… I don’t have a defence. Heh. But let me tell you, voting for me would be stupid.

Matt: Oh, hold on, there was something else you told me, wasn’t there? Let’s see, you said you were ‘in the place and you dropped the thing and the thing made a loud noise and you threw this person’. Oof, that does not sound good for you, does it? I think we’ve found our culprit, everyone.

The Noise: OK I’ll admit I’ve been a bit of a

Steve: Yeah, let’s vote him.

Sunny: what if there was something that could absolve him? 

The Noise: Yes, come on, absolve me!

Steve: No, there’s nothing, let’s all vote him.

Weirdly forceful, but I get it.

Akechi: No, no, that would be foolish. Let’s hear Suzuki-san out.

The Noise: Yes, YES, please!

Sunny: uh, they were bugging me in WHITE SPACE because their dorm was the hole. they left to go to the bathroom at 11:21.

The Noise: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! EAT THAT, FUCKERS! 

Basil: I figured that Sunny might have heard something, so I actually got told this, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. Sorry…

Matt: OK, but if he’s so innocent, then why the hell are they also so suspicious?

The Noise: …OK, I will say, I may have changed the body’s position a bit. 

A moment of silence.

Sonic: Sorry, could you please say that again?

The Noise: I moved the body. 

Sonic: OK, OK, cool, that’s what I thought you said. Just one question.

The Noise: Go ahead!

Sonic: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Akechi: You have wasted a significant amount of our time. 

Matt: Burn in the deepest pits of hell.

Steve: We should vote him just for that.

Judge: You didn’t even have the will to do it yourself. Disgusting.

Doofenshmirtz-2: AHAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS GREAT! YOU ALL GOT BLINDSIDED BY THAT GUY OF ALL PEOPLE!

Sayori: Why would you do something… so bad?

The Noise: Bored.

10HBM: HE DOES NOT SEEM TO BE LYING.

Matt: Lying isn’t the issue here. 

Lacey: you… you saw jay’s corpse, and your first thought was to move it ? the dead body of one of my only friends, and you FUCKING MOVED IT?!

The Noise: Oh, I didn’t see the corpse. I was busy being blindfolded.

They hold up a small eye mask.

The Noise: You know how it is!

Lacey: …

Matt: How did you know about the body, then? Explain that, fuckwit.

Akechi: It may be best to evaluate all our other options first. 

Sunny: yeah, i really don’t think he did it.

Steve: They’re still complicit! He bombed the classroom!

The Noise: Whoops, looks like this WMG page is getting straight up Jossed! I bombed the library, actually. And someone here can confirm it! Someone who hasn’t spoken yet.

Why are you being so damn cryptic?

Basil: Is it… Makoto?

Makoto: I saw the library. It looked battered.

And he’s back to being silent. I mean, fair enough.

The Noise: And I know what you’re thinking, ‘b-b-but you could have an accomplice’, but that’s two people seemingly covering for me for no reason if so! And last I checked, when only one of us would be getting out, and that would be me, why would they bother? I think I’m cleared of all suspicion!

Steve: Maybe you bombed the library, but we don’t know for sure Sunny wasn’t covering for you!

Sunny: why would i do that? i barely know the guy. 

Steve: Come on, we need to vote someone or we all die!

banan: voting someone wrong means we all die, shithead. this isn’t a civil case where we’re weighing based on probability, we don’t even know everything about the case yet. 

Steve: But…

Matt: You’re pretty desperate to convict when there’s reasonable doubt cast. For all we know, you could be the killer. 

Steve: Uh…

Matt: See? It’s all fine and good to point fingers, but we can’t just axe someone like that without at least looking at the rest of the evidence.

banan: you were the one who put us onto the noise.

Matt: Yes, because at the time, he didn’t have an alibi. Guess what? They have a semi solid alibi, and so I’m more than willing to look at the rest of the evidence. Impressively, people can change their minds, banan.

Akechi: We’re getting sidetracked. Theodore ‘The’ Noise is currently under suspicion, but we don’t have anything concrete.

Steve: Come on, let’s just kill him! I mean, look at how they’ve been acting! He at least moved the body. Isn’t this disgusting? Don’t you think that deserves punishment? You would willingly defend someone who at least desecrated a corpse?

Basil: …

Akechi: If there’s one thing I hate more than pancakes, it’s a miscarriage of justice, and that is what will happen if we blindly vote for Theodore-san. You may vote how you want, but the rest of us have a case to discuss.

Steve seems to stop at this point.

Steve: Fine, let’s look at the rest of the case. But I’m telling you, it’s him. He was the one.

The Noise: Well, I’ve said my piece, haven’t I? Now it’s time to move onto someone else.

10HBM: PERHAPS WE SHOULD DISCUSS THE ACTUAL WOUNDS.

Matt: Why in the living hell would we talk about that? Yes, the body was brutalized, but that doesn’t help us find out who did it .

Basil: I agree with… that…

The Noise: How come?

Basil: The only thing the wounds tell us is that a sharp weapon was used. It also means she wouldn’t have fought back, since it seems to have been a quick slice to the throat. 

Makoto: Then why damage the bathroom?

Basil: To create the illusion of a struggle. I don’t think the killer was expecting the body to be moved, given the broken mirror and the blood on the sink that they didn’t even try to clean up. Then we would have spent longer on whether or not Jay actually, well, fought back. It would also explain the cuts all around, and as for the spine… I’m not sure. 

Matt: Theodore could easily have dropped a bomb, accidentally or not, and it blew out her spine. He seems to operate on that kind of cartoon logic.

The Noise: Oh, that’s where Nois went!

Regina: You name your bombs? 

Steve: And we’re still letting this guy go?

Basil: They really didn’t do it. Sunny cleared him.

Matt: We have been over this, Steven .

Steve: Just saying, just saying. 

Oddly forceful here. But that’s something to dissect later, after we have more of an idea of what happened. Jesus, that did not feel grammatically correct.

Basil: But, um, yeah, I don’t think the killer broke the spine. I think that one was The Noise.

The Noise: It was-a me! That is, the bombing, not the killing. I only kill on Wednesdays.

Matt: The fuck does that even mean? 

Akechi: Regardless, we have bigger fish to fry. The wounds were ultimately unimportant, likely only done to delude us into thinking there was an actual fight. Or the killer was simply that depraved. That is also an option. Logic was, after all, thrown out of the window when valuable building space was wasted on two superfluous bathrooms for a killing game orchestrated by a stuffed animal.

Baldi: That’s fantastic!

Akechi: …anyway, the fact of the matter is that the cuts were to distract us and delay us, only impeded by a certain member’s actions. 

Sayori: Hold on, I’m lost! Can someone please tell me what’s going on?

banan: ok, so jay and lacey decided to go to the bathroom. so the killer vented into the bathroom so they wouldn’t be seen like a coward. they also vented out because, again, coward . then the noise just happened to bomb the library after jay had died, and then also just happened to drag her dead body into a classroom while blindfolded, and because he couldn’t see, it was decided that his moving of the body didn’t count towards the body discovery and then they just went back downstairs. did i miss anything?

Eric: Quite the recounting, but where do we go from here?

Matt: Don’t act like you’ve been helping now. So she was ambushed when she went to the bathroom and that’s that.

Take the bait, Aryan.

Basil: No, that’s wrong.

Matt: Elaborate, my friend.

Basil: Remember what the Judge said? Lacey and Jay both came back. Lacey also backed this up. She said they both went back together. 

banan, you and I both know where this is going, don’t we? A seemingly impossible case interrupted by the fact you just couldn’t hold it in. 

Matt: I believe it’s time for a reveal.

Except, as it is, you’re still more useful to me. 

Matt: Monokuma doesn’t know who did it. 

Monokuma: What are you-

I hold out my remote and switch him off.

Matt: Someone stole this and switched off the cameras. This being an EMP generator. Someone who knew I had it.

banan looks surprised. At least, as surprised as they can given the whole ‘no visible face’ thing. But still, they’ve handed me a way of ensuring this game goes on my terms. I switch Monokuma back on.

Monokuma: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

Matt: Oh, you know, just my guarantee. See, I crafted this out of spare parts, having done an engineering degree before I ended up becoming a sportsman. And let me tell you that I never do anything halfway. I even stopped an attempted murder from the dictator on me with this. The reason I’m revealing I have this advantage is simple. For a start, I know for a fact that I can take the vast majority of you. But second, I believe this links to the case. 

banan: AND YOU CAN JUST HAVE THAT?! no, you need to destroy that thing. for our safety.

Akechi: I should’ve known you would have ulterior motives. You should destroy it.

Matt: For all I know, you two could be the mastermind and traitor. Why give up an advantage like that?

Make myself a threat. Then, logically, I’m less likely to be actually killed.

Matt: But from the look of shock on all of your faces, I can tell that not all of you knew this. Except one person looks very unsurprised. Anya Forger, you never did reveal your talent, did you?

As secretive as banan is, they’re predictable. Controllable. Most importantly, I can blackmail them. Obviously, I know for a fact that they did it at this point. They can shapeshift, they can switch off communications somehow, and they can vent, not to say the least of literally being meant to kill people. They even seem to have planned this, with the black cloth, and likely even Sonic, given that he didn’t greet me with ‘long time no see’. It would also explain the contradiction between Jay being found dead in the bathroom and Jay being perfectly fine as she walked back with Lacey. Either banan shapeshifted to go there, or, more likely, banan shapeshifted to go back with Lacey, therefore stopping their crime from being found out immediately. They also decided that a vent was open in Anya’s room, but never said anything about Jay’s room, meaning that banan likely opened the vent in Jay’s room after switching off comms, appeared in their room again, and gave themself such an alibi that I doubt even Monokuma knew about it.

And that’s why Anya must die. 

Anya: WHAT? No, you-you-you can’t!

That confirms it. You’re the Ultimate Telepath, aren’t you?

Anya: NO, PLEASE!

It’s nothing personal. But as much as I can claim the moral high ground, here I have a chance to get rid of someone who, through no fault of their own, is a heavy threat to me, as well as generally being erratic at best with the whole telepathy thing. Besides, I can use banan more easily. Once banan is confirmed dead, I can reveal the truth, and then Monokuma will have to admit his game was invalid, since he ended with a wrong result. It’s a gamble, but one I’m pretty confident with. It’s likely that banan and the ‘talentless individual’ are the one he’s missing information about. This is just the trolley problem, after all. Kill everyone else here, namely myself, or kill one child and have a way of ending the game earlier than expected? When there’s a blind spot in this mastermind’s system, I need to exploit it. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do here. Unless you can tell me what 2+2 is, Anya?

Anya: 4!

Matt: Odd that you would answer my mental question, Ultimate Telepath.

banan: yeah, i found her e-handbook. it was in the other classroom. and it said ‘ultimate telepath’. 

Matt: Hasn’t anyone else noted how wearily she’s been looking at people in general, and reacting to statements that never existed? Even responding to questions that were never asked? Like when she said ‘EH’ to the Judge even though he hadn’t said anything? But she stayed silent because she couldn’t reveal anything. Sonic, you told me, Akechi, and Basil that her vent was open, yes?

Sonic: Wait, did I? I… don’t remember doing that. I didn’t even check the dorms, I don’t think.

Matt: Where did you check?

Sonic: I actually don’t remember, sorry.

Matt: Odd. But nonetheless, Basil and Akechi can confirm that you did tell us about the dorms, right?

Basil: Yeah, he did do that.

Sonic: I… really don’t remember doing that. I could’ve sworn I was stopping the cafeteria. I even found the 3DS. Then I remember going to the Judge.

Akechi: Hmm, there does seem to be a discrepancy there.

Matt: You likely just have memory issues. Maybe you were more affected by those 6 months than you thought.

Sonic: …my memory’s faulty?

Anya: It’s because

Silence or I will kill your parents.

Anya: Mom would kick your butt!

Matt: You see what I mean? Who knows what that was a response to?

I’m just going to keep on interrupting you, Forger. You may as well give up while you can.

Anya: I’ll never give up!

Matt: Yet again. I think we’ve established ability, yes? Not only that, but who knows how far her abilities go? She could be able to alter minds. After all, who knows what those horns are for?

Anya: Uh-

Matt: Anyway, it was stated that a vent was open in her room. She could easily have altered the minds of Lacey and the Judge, or maybe even taken Jay through the vents with her. Then she closed Jay’s vent so it wouldn’t look suspicious, but being a 6 year old, she ran out of energy to close her own. She then killed Jay in the bathroom. banan also found this.

I hold the piece of black cloth.

Matt: A tear in the dress, most likely. She’s one of the only ones wearing all black, and it’s most likely hers. Does anyone have anything that can disprove anything I’ve said?

The photograph is for later.

Anya: I, uh, well, the-

Matt: The prosecution rests.

Steve: OK, what do you all believe? That an alleged telepath who’s 6 YEARS OLD did all that, or that an unhinged psychopath who’s already shown himself to have some involvement in the case may not have been honest when saying they were blindfolded?

Anya: It wasn’t Noise!

Matt: Ah, an admission of guilt.

Sorry, Forger, but this is just life. Again, it’s nothing personal. This is just how survival goes. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of you. 

Anya: Please stop…

It brings me no joy. I’m pissed that incompetent yet lucky space bean killed a fucking skateboarder instead of someone like the Judge or the dictator. Haven’t you even realized how annoying this is for me? 

Anya: I’mgoingtodiei’mgoingtodie

You don’t have to be so annoying about it. But never mind, it’s time to try and convince everyone that piece of shit Noise is innocent, because Monokuma knows he is.

Matt: I loathe this entirely. I just want to make that clear. This is the worst day of my life, where I have to execute a child instead of a yellow bitch in bitch’s clothing. But Theodore is innocent. As established by Sunny, they left after Jay was already dead, and I am telling you now, with full confidence, that had he not been wearing that stupid ass eye mask, they would have shown up on the announcement.

Steve: We are trusting ONE person.

Ringu: You’re so desperate to save a child, I understand it. But sadly, things have turned out the way they have. Anya is the best bet, with Matthew having proven she is a telepath.

Steve: You’re all heartless sociopaths! You know what, maybe we should all die if it means saving a 6 YEAR OLD!

Makoto: Trolley problem.

Akechi: Yes, Yuki-san brings up a good point. We are killing one person to save 22. And no one has offered any concrete evidence against what Matthew has said. I despise this, but we do have to send someone to their death if we want to have any hope of finding and stopping this mastermind. 

Steve: And you’re all oh so willing to have this blood on your hands? Bearing in mind how likely it is that The Noise did it instead!

Basil: I’m… I’m going to be a killer…

Matt: Sorry, would you rather the 6 year old have the blood of 23 people on her hands? I’m sure that would break her eventually anyway.

Judge: Ah, the discord here is beautiful.

banan: i really wish it was you who died

THEN WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU KILL HIM INSTEAD?!

Matt: See, Forger, why couldn’t you have killed him? I didn’t even like Jay, but come on, that was a missed opportunity. You wasted your abilities.

No, seriously, you really did.

Lacey: you did it? you killed her?

Anya: I swear I didn’t!

Matt: She’s going to say whatever she can to get herself off the hook. She just has trouble thinking of a good lie since she’s just a child and hasn’t been in this situation before. 

Steve: And yet capable of carrying out a pretty intricate murder at the same time. How does that work out again? 

Sonic: He has a point. The Noise wasn’t exactly cleared, and, come on, she’s a 6 year old. 

Eric: You would really send a child off to the hangman like that? 

banan: if it’s her or us, yeah, that’s literally the best thing to do.

Judge: I would suggest voting for Theodore. 

Matt: And that’s how you know The Noise is the wrong option. He probably wants to kill everyone for the sake of his own stupid ideals.

I just need a majority to vote with me. Not even much of a majority, either. I think banan’s with me, but how do I clear The Noise’s name? Wait, shit, I can’t do anything. I was locked in the cafeteria. See, Basil, this is why we keep our mouths shut .

Sunny: again, the noise is safe. we’ve said this.

banan: yeah so let’s just get this out of the way and vote for anya already

Steve: The Noise is far more suspicious!

Akechi: There’s also more reasonable doubt. Beyond the obvious age factor, there’s nothing saying it wasn’t Anya. 

Regina: That’s a pretty important factor.

Matt: OK, then. Let’s give her a chance. Anya, defend yourself.

And let’s see who’s thoughts disturb her now.

Anya: I-I-I-I…

Matt: You see how there’s nothing? She has no defence. And we don’t have the luxury to wait for her to form one.

Steve: So you’re going to prioritize yourself over that of a child. Even to save a 6 year old who we’re not even sure did anything, you would rather save your own skin. You people disgust me.

Matt: Well, guess what? You’re stuck here with us. And you’re outnumbered.

The Noise: With no bias at all, I think we should vote Anya. 

Me, The Noise, banan, and Sunny all lock in our votes. 

Akechi: I can see the issue you’re getting at, Steve-san. It is an ethical dilemma. But in this situation, especially considering we have other children here anyway, why shield her from the consequences of her actions? It is unfortunate, but as Yuki-san alluded to earlier, we have to act in a utilitarian way, and voting Anya produces the best result. 

Akechi votes for Anya. I think we can do this.

Steve: YOU CAN’T DO THIS! DOESN’T ANYONE AGREE WITH ME?!

Matt: I have one last thing to ask. Monokuma, do you know who did it?

Monokuma: …you got me! I was completely blindsided by your little toy. So, I may not actually know who did it.

Matt: Why would you doubt me when I am right about all of the things I say?

banan: except for

Matt: Now, let’s summarize, for those who are still conflicted. The culprit stole my EMP generator at some point. Don’t know when, don’t know why they returned it, but nonetheless, they did it. They then turned the cameras off while Blue Hair walked with the illiterate skateboarder to the school so they could go to the bathroom, most likely because they forgot dorms exist and have perfectly functioning bathrooms because let’s face it, they’re both idiots. During this time, the culprit vented into the bathroom

banan: sus

I glare at them before returning to the summarization.

Matt: and slit Jay’s throat, administering a few extra cuts to make it look real, and likely using the skateboard to break the mirror. She then sent a fake image or something into Lacey’s head, maybe the Judge’s head, and vented back into her own room. Of course, this would have been hard enough to figure out, but The Noise just had to involve himself. While blindfolded, he left his side of the dorm 1 minute after the victim was dead, threw some bombs in the library, and placed the body in the classroom. He also bombed the corpse, destroying her spine and thoroughly confusing a lot of people, namely, me. But he was not the culprit. For that was the culprit. And we all know who that one is.

Should’ve forged a better defence for yourself…

Anya Forger, Ultimate Telepath.

There is silence. Then, finally, people start voting Anya.

Basil: Um, I guess that’s it…

banan: no, that’s just it. no guesses, it’s just over . we hardly knew ye, anya, but nonetheless, you certainly were here.

She’s the only one who hasn’t voted. I wonder, is she going to even try to spoil everything now?

No. She sees sense, and she votes for herself. And thus, it has been decided.

Monokuma: COME ON! You guys wouldn’t even let me talk about the voting? Just got right to it? You are the worst cast I’ve ever had. 

Matt: So you’ve done this before.

Monokuma: Anyway, yeah, I guess you got it right or whatever. Anya Forger was the blackened! And now, she’s about to be something different, because it’s time for her to be executed! 

Ado: E-executed?

Matt: Didn’t you read the rules? What do you think Steve’s whole issue was there?

Sayori: I didn’t read the rules, but… come on, you can’t do that to her!

Monokuma: Yes, I can, because of this thing I found where no one can stop me!

Akechi: What sick creature are you?

Monokuma: Sick creature’s another good one, I should use that sometime! Now, the least you can do after spoiling everything else for me is feel the despair from the best part of this little game! Let’s give it everything we’ve got! It’s PUNISHMENT TIME!

Anya is grabbed by a helicopter and carried off into a giant arena.

GAME OVER

ANYA FORGER HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY

She’s placed in what seems to be a lab. She looks absolutely terrified, which I suppose was expected. Metal arms grab her limbs and move them up into a cross position.

BOND FORGED IN BLOOD

Two people swing in from an unseen position. The metal arms continue to stretch her arms and legs as the floor opens up to reveal a fuckton of explosives. The two aforementioned people, I presume replicas of her parents, both go their separate ways, the more masculine one jumping down with a lighter while the feminine one jumps up to face Anya and slashes her twice in a way that looks like an X. She drops to the floor as the masculine one drops the lighter, and as Anya bleeds out, the entire floor explodes, the metal arms not letting her go for an instant even as she’s obscured by the fire.

When the smoke clears, all that’s left is a charred corpse, though her terrified face is somewhat distinguishable.

Monokuma: Over way too quickly for my liking. I gotta up the ante.

Akechi: …

Sayori and, unexpectedly, Basil both vomit. Even the people who I was pretty sure would have been desensitized mostly look like their pet dog was there instead of a child they believed to be a heartless murderer. 

banan: i.. the.. she.. you..

Doofenshmirtz-2: You should really get to the point, don’t keep us all waiting!

Lacey: anya…

Doofenshmirtz-2: Seriously, what’s with all the

V1: CEASE AND DESIST.

Eric: I just… that was vile .

Monokuma: I guess I’ve still got something, but seriously, you should’ve seen some of my past executions! This new mastermind just isn’t as good, honestly.

Steve: Shut up. Do you all feel happy? A child was just murdered. Not only that, she was brutalized . And you were all the reason for it. Do you people realize what you just did? Is it sinking in now?

Akechi: Do you really think any of us had anticipated that , Steve-san?

Steve: Don’t try to hide from your responsibility. I’m leaving. Don’t talk to me.

He goes to another elevator. Oh, are you kidding me, that was there the whole time?

Monokuma: That one leads to the kitchen! Now, everyone feel free to go!

The bear leaves. There’s stairs or an elevator. I guess the floor is going to slowly rise anyway, so there’s that, at least.

We all go our separate ways. Most people go straight to their dorms. As if it would make them any safer. But when I say most people, there was one I didn’t count because I was too busy shoving them into the right bathroom.

banan: ok, come on, you really think this is the best time to do anything?

Matt: Why the hell didn’t you kill the Judge?

banan: do you really think i didn’t try?

Matt: Given that he’s completely unharmed, and that a skateboarder is dead instead, no, I don’t think you tried.

banan: ok, i’m not discussing this with you. you really think i’m willingly talking to someone who’s probably analysing everything i say in order to kill me?

Matt: You’re going to talk tomorrow. 

banan: you don’t exactly have

I hold out the photo.

Matt: Tomorrow. Lest I show this to the wrong person and you die. Do you know, I could kill you now, show the photo, and declare the previous case invalid, thus declaring this whole game invalid and freeing at least myself. But I have other plans. I’m going to solidify my position first. And if you don’t want me to tear out that one bone of yours and hang it on a doorstep before proceeding to win, then you’re going to help me. Who knows? Maybe one of them will be the mastermind and you’ll be spared. But see, I’m in this for the long run. Pray I don’t end yours early. 

banan: …fine. tomorrow.

Matt: I’m glad we could agree on something. See you on the other side, comrade.

----------------------------

Alive: Matt, banana, Basil, Anya, Steve, Regina, Ringu, Lacey, Jay, Makoto, Judge, Sonic, Sunny, Adeleine, The Noise, Doofenshmirtz-2, Guest, Henry, 10 Hour Burst Man, Eric Birling, V1, Goro Akechi, Sayori, Baldi

Chapter Text

I step into the elevator and lean on the wall as it descends.

The test proved accurate. About what I expected to happen happened. I’ve confirmed what I already knew to be the truth.

These people have no principles. They deserve everything that comes next. And they will get what is coming to them. My mission will be complete.

One way or another.

I arrive at my office. I look at the cameras.

Everyone’s in their dorms except for Matthew and Banana, who are going there.

I leave the bear to do its thing while I look at the planned motives.

Normally, they would be despair inducing. Normally, they’d work, they’d drive people to kill.

But for this group, these motives are really more of a formality. I decide to edit some of these. Change them up. Why not? If I’m going to punish them all, I might as well have some fun with it. This third one in particular should be fun.

Now to sit back and relax. I make myself some coffee while School Of Rock plays in the background. Good film, good film. The coffee machine finishes. I grab my coffee, sit on my chair, and stick my feet on the desk. No one’s going to enter my dorm anyway, it doesn’t matter. 

i just got her back.

they were alive after ages only for her to be taken away again. some sick joke. my mistake, i guess i was almost happy for a second.

i feel despair. i feel rage. i point the knife towards my torso. i don’t believe in god, but some part of me is praying that i’ll get a better life anyway. that somehow, reincarnation will be real, and i can finally be happy. even if i’m a bug or something. that would be cool, actually. just flying around as a bug, just munching on leaves. admittedly, getting squished by people would hurt, but like, it’d be a quick death. life of a bug seems like best life. maybe start a circus like that one pixar movie! i, i don’t actually really, remember, the movie, but still. it would be nice. anything would be nice. i just want the pain to stop. for it to go away. and there’s only one way out.

no, i probably wouldn’t be allowed. shouldn’t burden everyone with a body discovery announcement anyway. then again, only one person would have actually checked on me. and she’s gone now. it shouldn’t hurt, i’ve already gone through this. i should be moving on quicker! i couldn’t even move on from the first time, i’m just that pathetic. 

i don’t even know what i’m doing anymore. i sigh and get into the bed. i’ve been delibareting over this for so long already, i’m clrealy too much of a pussy to go through with it after all. i thought i could. i thought i did. but ages of going through death after death only to come back and face even worse all the time - death doesn’t do anything. why can i come back and not jay? why do i come back? why does it have to be me, all the time? i just want to be left alone, and i’m never gonna be left alone, and i just want to die, and i just want everyone else to die, and ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurts

i collapse.

I’m still here.

Despite everything, I’m still here.

Sunny’s still here, which is probably why. I swear I saw him-

(don’t think about it)

This game is… it’s something. And I’m slightly scared, but Sunny’s here. It’s OK. Everything will be OK. I grab my knees and rock as I repeat that to myself. Maybe I’ll start believing it.

There’s a knock on my door. I try to calm down and I open the door.

Basil: Akechi?

Akechi: Ah, hello, Basil-san. Pardon the intrusion, I just wanted to see how you were doing.

Basil: Why me?

Akechi: You seem to be in an unfortunate position, being the only one who can gather evidence. So I wanted to check you were managing your stress despite this. Maybe help you with just that. Should I go?

Basil: NO, no, you can stay, you can… you can stay.

I don’t want to be alone. It’s selfish, but I just don’t want to be alone.

Akechi: Excellent.

Basil: U-um, actually… if I’m in danger…

What are you doing? He’s not even Sunny, and you barely know each other, what are you

Basil: Would you mind… staying w-w-with me? In general? Um you don’t have to and I understand if you hate me and want me dead and I don’t want to be a burden please don’t hate me I’m sorry let’s just

Akechi: …well, your proposition is unexpected, but… I suppose I could do just that. Strength in numbers. Do you mean stay in the same dorm? After all, there’s no rule against sharing dormitories.

Basil: I… guess? I’m sorry, I know it’s… forget it.

Akechi: No, it’s quite alright. 

What is wrong with you, Basil? You’ve known him for practically no time at all. And what about Sunny? Well, Sunny would be… disgusted with you. He’s already disgusted with you. Akechi likes you. Akechi called you smart. Akechi doesn’t hate you. Akechi won’t leave you like everyone else. Right? 

Nothing special seems to be happening.

I finish my coffee and I head to my own dorm. No one will spot me. Underground tunnels are pretty useful on that account.

To the second phase of my game.

This is my creation. And I’m going to make sure that this killing game doesn’t end with survivors.