Chapter Text
Friday 25th of June 1976
“Freedom, my dear Moony!”
“Freedom indeed, Prongs.” Remus chuckles as they settle down underneath their favorite tree right at the edge of the lake.
The girls come to join them moments later, and they all get to enjoy the warm June afternoon, post O.W.L.S.. Marlene is splayed out on the grass, and is making James a flower crown. Lily and Mary are discussing their last exam just when Peter arrives, sitting down next to James with a great huff.
“Why are you looking so down, Wormy? Summer is here!” James asks in a lowered voice, knocking shoulders with his friend.
“I’m pretty sure I botched this last one…”
“The Transfiguration exam? No way.” He tells him with a small smile. Peter had somehow always been insecure about his academics but Transfiguration? No, he is an illegal Animagus after all, something that took not only work but also patience and talent to accomplish, very few people were capable of going through with it. And even though they had done it together, in the end, it was up to each wizard to accomplish all of the steps. “I’m sure you did brilliant, Pete. You are one of the most hard working person I know and we studied together on that part you were unsure of━”
“You studied?” Lily cuts him off, having overheard his exchange with Peter.
“Er━ Yes? Why? Wasn’t I supposed to?” he chuckles.
“No, no, it’s just━ You never used to study, that’s all.” she tells him blushing, focusing her gaze on a flower she picks up to give to Marlene.
“Well there are a lot of things I’ve been trying to work on lately.” he says with a shy smile, catching Remus’ eye and remembering their conversation in the library about his relentless pursuit of the redhead.
He had in fact changed a bit in the past few months. He had taken a good look at himself and his behaviors, finding that being arrogant wasn’t getting him anywhere, it was time to change some things. If it was meant to be with Lily then they would happen, he had told himself. In the meantime, he had tried to enjoy the rest of the year focusing more on his friends, quidditch and his studies. He wanted to leave Hogwarts feeling proud of himself for the things he had accomplished, and these past months had felt like the beginning of it. Maybe it was maturing, maybe it was just the times. James knew his dream of being a professional quidditch player might not come true right away, seeing what was happening outside the walls of the school. He had decided a long time ago that he would join the fight somehow, not just for Lily Evans but to work against prejudice and those who tried to make it lawful in the wizarding world to discriminate against Muggle-born and people like Remus. There was one thing about James Potter, when he loved, he loved fiercely and would always defend his friends. And this was the least he could do with his privilege.
He’s pulled out of his reverie by Lily’s voice, “I uh━ I have to go help the younger years to get ready for Sunday. The packing and all…” she tells the group, getting back on her feet.
Feeling a surge of courage, James gets up “Would you like some help?” he asks, heart thudding in his chest with nerves.
She just looks at him in surprise, fidgeting on the spot. Mary elbows her, smiling at James. “Uhm, sure yeah.” hhe replies, putting a stop to his internal dialogue of ‘ please say yes, please, oh Merlin please ’.
He’s overjoyed but knows enough to try and hide his enthusiasm. Still, he’s pretty sure he’s skipping a bit as he walks away from his friends alongside Lily.
They get up to the tower, finding the common room in absolute chaos as people are trying to look for long lost items at the last minute. Lily immediately spots two second years arguing about a sweatshirt that may or may not have been borrowed by one of them and not given back. James watches her with admiration as she manages to not only calm the two young girls but also find said sweatshirt with a summoning spell. James turns, looking around to see who he can help when he spots a student sniffling, sitting in an arm chair by the hearth.
“Hi. Are you okay?” he says, approaching the first year. There are big tears falling out of red-rimmed eyes and she’s clutching a small cage. She shakes her head no without looking at him.
“Are you missing a friend?” he says, crouching down to get at eye level with her, pointing at the cage. It’s small and wooden, it looks to be hand painted and has some glitter stuck to it. There’s a name plate above the little door reading ‘ Hoppy ’. The little girl shakes her head yes, finally looking at him.
“My name is James, what’s yours?”
“Chloe.” she tells him in a low trembling voice.
“It’s nice to meet you, Chloe. Can you tell me what kind of familiar Hoppy is?”
She wipes her button nose with her sleeve, “A toad. He ran away yesterday.”
“Alright, do you want us to look for him together?” He asks her, standing up and extending a hand. She takes it, giving him a small smile and acquiescing. “Can I borrow this?” He points at the small cage, being very careful when she hands it to him. James focuses for a second, trying to think of a way to track the small pet. After a couple of seconds, he smiles down at Chloe, touching his wand to the cage.
“ Bestiapathos. ” An illuminated trail appears, the shape of little webbed feet going all over the common room. Chloe immediately starts following them as they wind their way between chairs, desks, and up the tower to the dormitories. After a minute or so, she comes back down, Hoppy clutched in her hands and a radiant smile plastered on her small face.
“Thank you!” she exclaims, throwing herself around his middle and hugging him fiercely after putting her pet back in his habitat. James can’t help but smile back at her, his heart feeling warmer as he sees the little Gryffindor giving as stern a talking to as an eleven year old could to her toad while going back up the stairs.
He looks around, seeing that everything seems to be under control, the common room now empty of students. He catches Lily’s eye, she’s just staring at him with that quizzical look she usually only reserves for the hardest Arithmancy equations.
“What?” he asks, suddenly feeling shy as scrutinizes him.
“Nothing… Just━ What was that spell you used?”
“Oh, uh━ a modified version on a hunting spell. Peter’s dad used to go hunting a lot, and took us once. I just put the spell on the cage she had made instead of a trail of blood like you would when hunting. Although the path lit up pink instead of yellow, I guess that’s because she cares about her pet? I don’t know I just━”
He’s cut off by Lily taking a couple of steps and closing the distance between them. She throws her arms around his neck, bringing him down to her level before resting her soft lips on his. He doesn’t move, somehow afraid he will scare her off. It lasts but a couple of seconds, it’s gentle like the breeze in the orchard during spring break. She smells like peaches. James’ head is spinning a little. She breaks the kiss, stepping back to look at him.
“You’re not that bad. When you’re not a prat.” she smirks before heading back out of the portrait hole, leaving James standing there like an idiot. His brain is still trying to catch up to what just happened but all he can focus on is the mantra going on repeat in his mind: James Potter loves Lily Evans.
━━━
Tuesday 4th of November 1980
The buzzing of his wand pulls him out of a dream he immediately forgets about upon waking up. He wants to throw it out the window but also knows that would be counter productive. With much difficulty, James extracts himself out of his bed. He barely slept last night, too jittery about today. He sleepily makes his way to the bathroom, brushing his teeth and splashing some water on his face to try and wake himself up. It does the trick and the same feeling that had kept him up the previous night starts to settle back down into his stomach. It’s a mix of adrenaline, nerves and the craving to get out of this house. It is enough to motivate him as he flies down the stairs, rucksack slung over his shoulder. Regulus is waiting for him in the middle of the living room, his own bag at his feet, an annoyed expression on his face.
“You’re late. We said 4.50am.”
“And it is…” he casts a quick Tempus charm, “4.53am, Regulus, Merlin, it’s fine.”
“The Portkey is about to activate.”
“In like seven minutes!”
“Still.” Regulus grumbles.
Thanks to his friend Dorcas, James had managed to get them an international Portkey but seeing as they couldn’t register this unofficial travel of theirs, they had to leave before the Office of Portkey Regulation would open. It was no small feat and he was happy that Dorcas had delivered, no questions asked.
Regulus holds a small pearl in the palm of his hand, extending the other one for James to take. He holds it, the feeling of Regulus’ warm skin sending a jolt to his heart. Just the adrenaline , he thinks. A few seconds pass by before he feels the familiar tug behind his navel. James had traveled with international Portkey before but it had been years since, which had made him forget the force of it. He feels wrenched forward, as if being folded in two, then four, a feeling like he’s twisting and being thrown through a straw. He lands with a thud on his back, the breath completely kicked out of him. It takes him a moment to adjust to the light around him but when he opens his eyes, Regulus is standing above him with a small smirk.
“On your feet now, Potter.”
Regulus pulls him up with a groan. James takes in their surroundings: beautiful high mountains dusted with snow, pine trees as far as the eye can see and a gorgeous sunrise. Neither of them move for a minute, letting the moment wash over them, the cold crisp air filling their lungs. James turns to Regulus and thinks he is lucky to get to see such a beautiful sight in the morning. Once the sun is out, they get on their way, trekking down from the mountain and into the city of Innsbruck. Regulus marvels at the architecture and the colorful houses, map in hand, looking like a proper tourist. James is honestly just happy to be out and about. He had never set foot in Austria but he sure enjoys the freedom that this town is offering them.
“Okay, we need to get to our hotel.” Regulus says, squinting at the map in his hands. “I believe it’s this way.” he points emphatically towards a small cobbled street, directing them towards it. James smiles at his enthusiasm but is quickly distracted by a divine and tantalising smell coming to tickle his nostrils. He spots a small bakery that looks like it has just opened and his eyes light up, as does his stomach. He grabs Regulus by the wrist and wrenches him in the direction of the promise of delicious local foods.
“James!”
“Breakfast, Reg, it’s the most important meal of the day.”
He enters the artisanal bakery, a huffing Regulus trailing after him. James’ head is spinning at the sight of all those mouthwatering pastries, each looking more decadent than the next. He doesn’t know what to choose and panics when the lady at the till starts talking to him in German.
“Er━” He looks between the pastries behind the glass and the woman who has an expectant smile plastered on her face.
“Guten Morgen, könnten wir zwei Apfelstrudel und einen Krapfen haben?”
James just stares at Regulus, utterly shocked, as he hands the woman some muggle money and she gives him the pastries wrapped in a small carton box.
“Danke.”
“You speak fucking German ?!” James asks him as they exit the bakery.
“Of course.” Regulus answers with a smug expression on his face.
James can’t help but to smile at the absurdity that is Regulus Black sometimes. They walk a bit slower, enjoying the sights of the town and end up settling down on a bench in the middle of a place facing a great big monument with large columns that seem to be commemorating a past war. Regulus opens the box of pastries, handing one of them to James.
“Apfelstrudel.” he says with a timid smile. It’s still warm as James bites into it, the delicious taste of apples and sugar overwhelming him.
“Oh this is great.” he says with his mouth full, powdered sugar flying out of it, which makes Regulus laugh. It’s such an unusual sound, as in, it’s one that James has never really heard. He wants to bottle it up. Just then, he decides his mission will be to make Regulus laugh as much as possible so he can experience it time and time again. “What’s that one?” he points to the last remaining pastry in the box.
“Mmh, this one is one of my favourites, Krapfen.”
“Krapfen.” James repeats as best as he can and he is again rewarded by a small laugh that splits his face in half with a smile of his own.
“Yes. Here.” Regulus grabs the pastry, tearing it in half to share, handing a piece to James. Without thinking much, James bends over, taking a bite right out of Regulus’ hand. He hovers like that just above his hand, chewing, with Regulus’ wide eyes on him. He’s blushing although James doesn’t know if it’s from the cold or… He clears his throat before swallowing the doughy goodness.
James gets up swiftly, “Well, let’s get on, er━ to the hotel, shall we?”
They head down another small street to find their accommodation, Regulus stopping in front of an orange building. There’s a sign hanging off the façade with a drawn picture of a stag which makes James snort a bit. They walk in and are greeted by the most soured face woman James has ever seen.
“Merlin, Madame Pince got nothing on this one…” James whispers close to Regulus who tenses up, shushing him impatiently.
James stays a bit back, holding both their rucksacks and watching while Regulus enters into a conversation with the concierge. He can hear Regulus’ tone getting harsher although he never raises his voice. James wonders what that’s all about but then again, it could just be how people talk in German, what does he know? It’s quickly confirmed that something is indeed wrong when a red faced Regulus turns back around, clenching a key in his hand.
“Everything alright?”
“No.”
Without another word, he follows Regulus up the staircase and to the third floor where they stop in front of a door marked thirty-one. He slides the key in, turning it and opening the door to the room.
Ah .
James sees the issue now.
“One bed?”
“One bed.”
“Right. Well, we can always transfigure the chair in the corner, no?” James comes to stand next to a pink arm chair in the corner of the room.
“No. We can’t bring attention to ourselves. No spells unless absolutely necessary, we talked about this. We don’t know if there’s any magical community around here but there sure isn’t a magical soul in this sad excuse of a hotel.” he says bitterly.
“It’s not that bad, really.” James tries to cheer him up, dropping their bags down and jumping to lounge on their bed. Their bed .
James shakes his head to get his thoughts back on track, beckoning Regulus with the excuse of going over the plan for tomorrow. That seems to perk him up as he gets all of their research out of his rucksack, spreading it in front of James on the bed and reviewing it together. They end up staying like this the majority of the day, eating some sandwiches that Tilly had made for lunch and going over the schedules over and over again. James knows this is risky. In fact, it’s probably the most risky thing he has ever done. But he trusts Regulus, simply because he is brilliant and stubborn. When the evening comes, they decide to go back out into town to find something to eat. James has to keep on reminding himself that they are not on vacation, but at the same time… Seeing Regulus all wrapped up in his dark green scarf and long coat walking alongside him in the quaint streets of Innsbruck, it feels surreal. There’s no war here. No pain, no fire, no death. Just the beautiful snow falling slowly, peppering Regulus’ hair with specks of white.
They stop at a small eatery, filling their bellies with warm stew, the conversation turning from their coming heist to different subjects like music, art or quidditch. It’s pleasant, this conversation that never lulls, the small smiles, the looks, the accidental touches. James doesn’t know why but it makes him feel alive, more so than he has felt in a long time. They walk back to their hotel but on the way, James hears music and drags Regulus along towards the sound of people partying. They stumble upon a small bar, there are locals outside, smoking cigarettes with drinks in hand, all happy and jovial.
“One drink.”
“James… We have to rest, big day tomorrow.”
“Just one drink, come on! We worked so hard, don’t we deserve a bit of a break?”
With a long sigh, Regulus finally relents, making James grin wider and cheer a little bit. They get inside and it is packed, James has to squeeze between all the patrons to get to the bar. He turns to check on Regulus knowing he doesn’t like crowds but he seems to perfectly fend for himself. Once he reaches a free spot next him, James looks at Regulus expectantly.
“Oh and I need to order of course.” Regulus says, huffing and shaking his head.
“Well I don’t speak German, you see.”
“Mmh.” He bends over the bar slightly, shifting his weight on his elbows to try and get the attention of the bartender and James’ mouth waters for a moment. But he must just be thirsty, that’s all.
Regulus gives their order and the server comes back a minute later with two comically large beer glasses, setting them in front of them. Regulus looks at him dumbfounded as if this isn’t what he had ordered but James is too eager and just picks it up, gulping a big sip before Regulus can change his mind. James turns, his back against the bar glancing around to see where the music is coming from. At the back of the establishment is a small raised platform, a couple of clearly drunk girls are singing loudly, mics in hand and seemingly reading the lyrics of the song off a television.
“Oh! Karaoke!”
“What?” it’s loud and Regulus leans forward gesturing to James to repeat himself.
“Karaoke!” He points to the two ladies on the stage, coming to stand closer to Regulus “Remus told me about this, it's a Muggle thing where they play the music and you can sing along. Come on!”
“Where?”
“On the stage! I want to sing!”
“I’m not coming!” Regulus declares with a panicked look.
“Oh go on, Reg!” He grins down at Regulus, turning back to the bar beckoning the bartender and asking him for a song, pointing with enthusiasm at the stage. Thank Merlin for the international language of music , James thinks. The two women finish their act, stumbling off the stage giggling and the beginning of the request that James has made starts to play. He grabs Regulus’ hand, pulling him along but loses his grip just as he steps up on the small platform. James makes a go for one of the mics, starting to sing the lyrics, not even needing to read them off.
“I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can beat them, just for one day
We can be heroes, just for one day…”
He extends his hand, wiggling his fingers for Regulus to step up with him but he just keeps on shaking his head no. James is not one to give up so easily though.
“And you, you can be mean
And I, I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers, and that is a fact
Yes we're lovers, and that is that…”
Regulus just stares up at James who loses his breath a bit, getting lost in Regulus’ green eyes. The meaning of the lyrics hits him a bit more than it should. Finally though, Regulus relents, taking his hand, letting himself be guided to the second mic. With a soft and shy voice, he continues where James has left off.
“Though nothing will keep us together
We could steal time just for one day
We can be heroes for ever and ever
What d'you say?”
Regulus turns to James and suddenly, it’s just the two of them.
“I, I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins
Like dolphins can swim
Though nothing, nothing will keep us together
We can beat them, forever and ever
Oh, we can be heroes just for one day
I, I will be King
And you, you will be Queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can be heroes just for one day
We can be us just for one day…”
James is entranced by his voice, feeling like Regulus is singing just for him. There’s a soft smile on his face and he can see him finally starting to relax and get into it.
“I, I can remember
I remember
Standing by the wall
By the wall
And the guns, shot above our heads
Over our heads
And we kissed, as though nothing could fall
Nothing could fall”
James wants to reach out and touch him. Regulus is shining, as bright as the star he’s named after, it’s blinding…
“And the shame, was on the other side
Oh, we can beat them, forever and ever
Then we could be heroes just for one day
We can be heroes
We can be heroes
We can be heroes just for one day
We can be heroes…”
There’s a second where everything is suspended in the air. They are both out of breath, looking at each other, smiling, happy. Then the applause breaks, the wolf whistles, people clap them on the back as they get down from the stage to get back to their drinks. Regulus is laughing and looking dazed as he takes a sip from his beer.
“That was insane.”
“It really was.” James answers, not sure what they are even talking about.
“It was amazing though.” Regulus says, grinning in his glass. “Who knew you could actually sing?”
James feigns offense as he answers “I am a born performer, I’ll have you know!”
And there it is again, that Regulus Black laughter. James downs his drink, his eyes incapable of leaving the man in front of him. After a bit, Regulus clears his throat.
“We should head back, get some sleep.”
“Yes.” James nods, trying to appear all business-like but feeling slightly buzzed from the beer.
They walk back slowly to their hotel, it almost feels like both of them are trying to make the moment last longer. It’s freezing and it’s a good excuse to walk closer together, James argues to himself. They bid a good evening to the sour-faced lady at the reception, James stifling a laugh when her expression turns even worse, as if she just bit right into a lemon. Regulus is hitting him on the arm, trying to rush him up the stairs. He sobers up quite fast though when entering their room again, remembering their accommodation. A quick glance to Regulus tells him that the same thought is crossing his mind.
“I can sleep on the floor.” he says, ever the gentleman.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Regulus tells him, not at all impressed by his chivalry.
He starts fluffing pillows, setting them in a straight line down the middle of the bed.
“Now who’s being ridiculous?” James teases but Regulus doesn’t react. “I’ll just uh━ get ready for the night, then, yeah?”
Regulus nods and James escapes to the bathroom. His heart is beating fast and hard, he feels warm. Maybe the drink wasn’t a good idea? He finds himself nervous but unsure as to why. He’s slept countless times with his friends. He remembers all three of them piling up in his bed back at the cottage during the Yule break, and it had never felt like this. But it isn’t the same , he thinks. Isn't it?
“For Merlin’s sake, get your shit together.” he tells his reflection in the mirror, smacking his cheeks. He splashes some water on his face, hoping it’ll ground him. It doesn’t. He quickly gets back out into the room and is faced with a new problem, wondering on which side he’s supposed to lie down.
“Left or right?” he asks Regulus.
“What?”
“Where do you prefer to lie down?”
“Er━ As far away from the door as possible. If you don’t mind.” he answers. He seems to shrink into himself and James is left feeling sad, wondering what made it that Regulus feels like this is necessary for him to sleep soundly.
“Yeah, of course.”
James throws the duvet and slips underneath the sheets. He feels as tense and rigid as a board as Regulus gets in the bed next to him. They are separated by the pillow fort Regulus has built but it’s nothing but an imaginary line when he really thinks about it. He turns the light off and a silence settles between the two of them to the point where he thinks Regulus might have fallen asleep.
“Are you scared? For tomorrow I mean?” He asks.
“No.” James isn’t lying, again, he has faith in this plan, Regulus’ plan. “I’m not going to lie, I’ve kind of missed this… The action, the missions, the adrenaline.”
“Mmh, of course you would.” and James knows he’s smiling in the dark.
“Are you?”
“I don’t think so. I know it’s going to work. And you’re here as well, so I’m not alone.”
James thinks he is glad that the light is off when he feels a blush creeping up his cheeks. He clears his throat. “For what it’s worth, I know it’s going to work as well. You’re brilliant at this, the planning, I mean.”
“Er━ Thank you.”
There’s a beat of silence during which James is raking his brain for what to say. Because he wants to keep on doing this, talking like this. He doesn’t have to wait long after all when Regulus is the one who speaks up.
“James? Can I ask you something personal?”
He’s a bit surprised by the question. He can hardly remember Regulus ever asking him a question so seriously.
“Yeah?”
“What happened to━ I mean, between you and Lily Evans?”
James takes a sharp breath in. Out of everything Regulus could have asked him, he would never have expected this. He knows he has taken too long to answer when Regulus speaks up again.
“Never mind. Sorry.”
“No, no, it’s━ it’s fine.” James rubs a hand down his face. “We er━ we were together, for a while. The war happened and it got really difficult, we were losing people and it took a really hard toll on both of us. Then…” he trails off, swallowing the feeling of a lump forming in his throat.
“Then?”
“Then she got pregnant.” And there it is . He realizes he hasn’t thought about Lily or the baby in a while. He hates it but knows that this is how grief works; it hurts, a lot, so much. And then little by little, the pain gets more dull and you think about it less often. “She got pregnant and then lost the baby. It was right after Peter’s death and it hit us hard. I think she was just tired of it all, honestly. She wanted out, I didn’t. So she did, she left, went away with our friend Mary to live as Muggles outside of the UK. I don’t know where she is, actually…” Speaking about it, telling Regulus, makes him realize that it does indeed hurt less than it used to. But it still leaves a bitter aftertaste on his tongue. James isn’t angry at Lily, he could never be, of course. If he’s being honest, when Lily got pregnant, his first thought had been that this baby might be something to bring them back to each other. Unfortunately, life had decided otherwise. He now knows that they were never really meant to be, and he’s okay with that now.
There’s some shuffling and when James looks to the side, in the soft light of the city filtering through the curtains, he can see the outline of Regulus’ face laying on his side, looking at him, pillow tossed aside.
“I’m so sorry, Jamie.”
Jamie.
James doesn’t expect it. It’s as if it sneaks up on him. But it hasn’t really… The nickname ignites a fire in his chest, a heat that spreads through his veins, all the way through to all extremities. He feels like he could fly, scream, jump, and even face Death himself without any fear. He wants to take the word in the palm of his hands and bury it deep down in his ribcage, knowing it’ll keep him going for years and years. And then, it hits him like the Hogwarts Express going at full speed: James Potter is in love with Regulus Black.