Chapter Text
If they were going to be sharing a meal, Jayce wanted to make sure it was at least cooked. For his size and clear hunting advantages, Viktor wasn't too helpful in a cramped labyrinth, leaving Jayce to catch two of the beetle-like moles by himself. He had to carry one under each arm and he really didn't like the postmortem twitches they were giving. When they finally found another clearing, Jayce did manage to task Viktor with peeling off the hard shells, something Viktor seemed more than content with doing. Jayce had found old tattered fabrics strewn about the labyrinth and he gathered them in a pile. He swore quietly before starting to deconstruct his brace. It was a shame and he knew trying to build it again with his bare hands would be close to impossible, but they both needed food.
Viktor's wing wasn't fully healed yet and Jayce had yet to see Jinx again. He could hear her, considering how loud her wings were, but she didn't seem like she was coming to talk to them again any time soon. Viktor's own wings buzzed.
Click, click, click.
The stripped moles were pushed next to Jayce and he glanced at them before looking up at Viktor. "Thank you." He said gently, the creature perking up in recognition at the words. That bloody, webbed 'face' was peeking out again, seeming like it was healing up from whatever Jayce had done to it. Its pincers tapped the ground and it stilled before using one of its claws to tap at Jayce's hand as he unscrewed his brace. Jayce blinked and looked up at Viktor as the creature moved in front of him. "What's wrong?" Jayce had thought he was better at reading Viktor's body language, but he genuinely couldn't figure it out this time. He hesitated before continuing to unscrew his brace. He didn't expect the jab to his hand. "Ow, fuck! What??"
Click, click, click!
Viktor seemed just as frustrated, buzzing its wings and clicking at him. Jayce could only stare back and his shoulders sunk in defeat. "...I don't know." He managed. "I don't know what you want, Viktor." His voice gave a dangerous tremble for a moment. "We need to eat. But if I try to eat this like this, I am going to go to a terrible place in my head. I need this cooked. I can't just..." Jayce trailed off. "I can't do it again, Vik. What do you need??" Jayce stared up at him uselessly and Viktor tipped its head. Jayce finally let out an extremely heavy sigh and buried his face in his hands. The air went still and Jayce froze up as Viktor started to hiss furiously.
There was a fluttering noise.
Jayce lifted his head, his body tense. He didn't move further. "I told you to leave me alone." He stated aloud, his voice loud and shaking. "I told you I don't want to see you again. What the hell are you doing here??" His anger was bubbling up again. "Here to watch me suffer at the bottom of another pit?? One time wasn't enough?!" Jayce inhaled shakily. "Was it even just one time?? How many days did you come back just to watch me crawl on the floor and scream?? Fuck." Jayce could feel himself choking up. "FUCK!!" He slammed his fist against the ground. "I HATE YOU!!" His scratchy voice echoed around the cavern. Jayce had said it with his full chest, but he didn't even know if he meant it. The mage was still Viktor. He hiccuped shakily.
Both of them startled at a soft crackling noise. Jayce could only stare to the side of him, dumbfounded. A fire had been started on a small pile of wood. A rotisserie was set up above it, simplistic and made of thin metal. Jayce furrowed his brow. He relaxed just a little as Viktor moved over, hissing at the fire quietly. That meant he saw it too. Jayce felt his heart twist and he swallowed. "...No matter what you do for me, I don't think I can forgive you." He spoke out loud again, his voice strangled. "I don't think I can ever be the person I was before that. I don't think I'll ever truly sleep again."
Bloody arms suddenly wrapped around him and Jayce shrieked. "Jayce! Jayce!" Viktor's voice was desperate and confused. "Wh-Who are you talking to?!" Jayce had been so focused he hadn't even heard Viktor crunch back down to himself again. He hiccuped weakly as he stared around. He placed a shaking hand over one of Viktor's. He still couldn't see the mage, but he heard the fluttering. His heart was racing.
"On my best nights, I still feel the maggots in my leg!" He managed to bark out, his voice shredding. He inhaled wheezily. "Because of you, I can't ever escape the feeling that things are crawling in my skin with me. I could have rotted. I could have rotted and you would've just watched!!" He yelled the last words up at nothing. He was left breathing heavily and Viktor finally limped around to stand in front of him.
"Jayce! Jayce, look at me!" Viktor insisted, his eyes wide. He jumped at how fast Jayce's eyes snapped down to him. Viktor hesitated before looking around the area again. One hand was curled into the front of Jayce's shirt and the other was holding onto his Councilor's coat, which was still draped over his shoulders. "Jayce, who is here?? Who is it?" Viktor's voice strangled a little. Jayce squeezed his eyes shut and he shook his head. He turned away, burying his face in his wrists again. Viktor wouldn't let him go. Jayce's skin felt itchy and malformed all over. It felt prickly and it felt like things were moving on him and he couldn't stand it. "Jayce!"
"WHAT?!" Jayce couldn't help the way the word roared from his mouth and Viktor flinched backwards, pulling the Councilor's coat tight around himself. He looked momentarily shocked and even confused. He stared at him and Jayce turned away again, squeezing his eyes shut as he balled one of his hands up into his hair.
"...You have never, even on your worst days before, screamed at me like that." Viktor stated, seeming genuinely taken back.
"I'm not the Jayce you knew 'before' anymore." Jayce stated, turning to him with teary eyes. Viktor furrowed his brow.
"And that warrants no apology for screaming at anyone like that??" Viktor replied firmly, his hands trembling on the edges of the coat as they held it around himself. "You are not the Jayce I know anymore, but no longer just a decent person as well?" His voice was shaking and Jayce hesitated. For a moment, he didn't know what to do. He didn't know if he wanted to ask if Viktor was serious right now. He didn't know if he wanted to apologize. He didn't know if he wanted to tear his own throat open right then and there. After a few more moments, Jayce spoke.
"You're right. I'm sorry." He stated in a forcibly calm voice. "I didn't mean to scream at you." Every word dragged from his throat like barbed wire and he didn't know why. Jayce fell completely silent as he stared forward. He felt like he was somewhere dangerous. Not just physically, but in his head, he was teetering on a very, very dangerous line. He didn't know where he'd go if he dropped. He didn't know what he'd do. Those amber eyes watched him. Jayce exhaled shakily. "I need... to go away." He managed. Viktor looked taken back and he opened his mouth. "I need to go away. I am going to do something else that I'll regret if I don't." His tone always changed when he was speaking the cold, honest truth and he could tell Viktor heard it. It only seemed to confuse him more. "Stay by the fire."
He turned away and stumbled out into the main corridor, his loose brace creaking. His leg hurt. His chest ached. His heart was burning. He moved a few feet down the corridor and paused. After another moment, he continued. He finally slipped into a small opening in the wall, just out of the way enough that the dogs wouldn't see him when they came rushing past. Jayce buried his face in his arms as he leaned against the wall in front of him. His sobs were quiet. His tears felt like acid. Why couldn't Viktor see that he was different now? That he was different and he was dangerous. That he was unstable and he was delusional.
Maybe because that was the only reason Jayce was staying with him. Maybe because that wasn't Viktor at all. Jayce squeezed his eyes shut. It was a bug. That Viktor was a bug. He was with a bug. Jayce was the worst. He was the worst. "...It's because I broke the promise, isn't it?? It's all karma." Jayce whispered to himself. "I shouldn't have broken the promise, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just couldn't do it." Jayce slid down, ignoring the strain on his leg. He was jammed perfectly in the small space now.
"Am I interrupting?"
Jayce almost started crying again. "...I told you to stay by the fire." He managed in a weakened voice. He heard Viktor scoff.
"Like you command me? I am a bug, not a dog." Viktor stated flatly. "And we are partners, not boss and subordinate." Viktor was quiet for a moment. "...I thought you said that I did not feel like a punishment." Jayce's hands tightened on his arms and he gave a hopeless shrug of his shoulders.
"I've been saying a lot of things lately. Good and bad." Jayce stared at the ground. "I don't know if I mean any of it... I don't know if I believe any of it." Jayce hated how often his voice shook now. He hated how harsh it had become. Gruff, deep, and damaged.
He was damaged.
"I wake up every morning with the cold fear in my heart that I am just going to be right back in that pit. That I'll find out I never made it out. That all of what followed was some delusion of grandeur." Jayce stared at the ground. "I wake up every morning, intending to find out that I died in that hole. And the scariest thing is that I think I would've deserved it for what I did to you."
It was quiet for a moment before there was shuffling. "You will, eh, have to forgive my appearance. I do not trust the liquid enough to wash my face off with it." Viktor said quietly. His face was still bloody and he gave a small sigh as he sat in front of Jayce, the Councilor coat still slung over his thin shoulders. "I find it surprising that you do not consider me the scariest thing. I am quite horrifying."
"You are." Jayce agreed quietly. "But you stopped trying to eat me a bit ago, so the only scary thing about you now is your face." Viktor let out a loud, offended scoff that made a weak smile pull at Jayce's lips.
"That's very rude, Jayce. Not all of us can have the face of a poster boy like you." Viktor commented, flicking his cheek. "I did see they were all taken down when I was brought through."
"At my request." Jayce said quietly. "I couldn't stand looking at them." He glanced up at him. "I don't even know if you being on them with me would've made it any better." Viktor watched him quietly.
"Jayce... your affection. Is it genuine?" Viktor asked uncertainly, his playfulness soon bubbling away. "Did you always feel like that or was the relief of seeing me again warp your memories and emotions?" Viktor's fingers curled into his pants. "Was it always love... or were you just happy to see me again?" His voice had weakened. Jayce paused. "Guilt and grief are known to twist the mind. With all you have been through, it would not be too much of a stretch." Viktor wouldn't meet his eyes. Jayce stared at him, his brow furrowed.
"...It can't be both?" Jayce asked weakly. Viktor finally glanced up at him. "All I wanted by the end was to have you back. I didn't want anything else. I didn't want anyone else. I just wanted you. That's love, isn't it? I've never put a definition to it." Jayce put his head in his hand. "All of my strongest emotions were always for you. I just didn't know what it meant. And now I'm so scared of breaking whatever we have that I can't even let it bend." He squeezed his eyes shut.
There was a moment of silence before slender fingers carefully slipped into his hand, pulling it away from his face. Jayce glanced up at Viktor. "...I have loved you for a long time. To the point where I would take it to my grave rather than jeopardize my relationship with you in any way." Viktor gave a weak snort. "I suppose I did take it with me in the end." Jayce scoffed softly. "We can let this bend a little, Jayce. We are aware of each other now. We are both just..."
"Different?"
Viktor rolled his eyes. "You struggle with borderline psychosis, not to mention severe PTSD, and I am a bug. 'Different' seems like an understatement, no?" He stated flatly. Jayce paused before giving a weak laugh. He didn't know whether to cry or not. "No, we are both scared. Scared of where we are. Scared of who we are..." Viktor sighed quietly. "Scared of what we are. And I think we should face this as we always have with new situations." He gave him a prompting look and Jayce blinked.
"...Together."
"And?"
Jayce felt a smile pull at his lips. "With reckless abandon."
"Perfect."