Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

  Jack Abbott was not a man who took to being idle well. He’d already had to take five days off work, two to go. The thing that sucked about these last two was that there was no Robby around to keep him company. The reasons for the two mens time off were quite different. Robby knew he needed to take time to pause. To work out how to get back to baseline and get things in place to help catch him if he fell again, Jack alone could only do so much. 

  The two men spent the first day researching new therapists for the older man, and looked into a new antidepressant he could try too. That day involved a lot of talking, a lot of crying and more feelings than either man had dealt with for a while… Therein layed the problem. 

  Robby was filled with regret for his actions the morning after PittFest. He never wanted to put Jack into that position. His emotions simply got the best of him and he couldn’t see a way out. Robby realised, after a painful talk with his therapist, and an even more excruciating talk with Jack, that he never really wanted to die. All he needed was a way out, and suicide was the only thing his paralysed brain could think of. Now, he’ll be working on how to stop things getting so bad again, he’s come with an emergency plan with Jack, along with having some powerful anti-anxiety medication to take in a crisis.

  Jack couldn’t even think of how he was feeling until day four. He was either too caught up in helping Robby, or distracted by the intense throbbing of his injured leg. Overnight after the injury occured, Jack’s leg swelled. This meant that, even if he wanted to, his prosthetic wouldn’t fit on his stump.

  When day four hit, with Robby calmer and beginning to understand his feelings better, Jack’s emotions hit. And he was angry. Not with the guy who was pushing the disaster bin, definitely not with Robby. He was angry with himself. Angry at his PTSD, angry at his leg, angry at his lack of control, how he couldn’t help Robby, that he couldn’t save the people who died during Pitt Fest. He was angry with everything.

  To compound the anger, he was bored. After three whole days trapped at home, Jack wanted nothing more than to be able to go back to the hospital with Robby. Hell, he wanted to work a day shift! If that didn’t tell his husband just how desperate he was, nothing would. This did, however, ignore the fact that he still couldn’t wear his prosthetic and that his leg still hurt everytime he moved or sat down or stood up or layed down or sometimes breathed too hard.

  “No, Robby, baby, please. Please don’t leave me here again. I can go with you, I can help! It only barely hurts now”

Robby peered over his glasses to his husband, like a disappointed librarian. He sighed heavily into his coffee. “How many more times are we going to have this conversation, Jack?” He set his mug down. “Because you got injured at work, Gloria is making you stay off for a week, just to ensure that you won’t sue.”
“But I can help,” he pleaded, in a tone akin to a petulant child. “I’m fuckin’ useless here!”

“Don’t worry, I’ve asked some of the kids to drop by throughout the day. You should have plenty of ER gossip to entertain you.”

Jack narrowed his eyes. “Your kids or mine?”

“Would you stop differentiating between them please?!”

“No! You get them first, potty train them and all of that shit. Then I harden them off for a few night shifts.”

“I don’t know who's going to come over, if anyone will. You don’t exactly have a personality that evokes everyone to care about you.”

“Hey! You’re really insulting the guy with a bum half-leg? I expected better of you Robinavitch”

Robby had to take a moment to take a deep breath. “I’m going to work now. I know Dana said she would come by, plus Dr King is off today, and she said she’d be over too. So, that’s two people to keep you entertained.” Robby got up, poured a coffee into his to-go cup and collected the rest of what he needed.

“Which one’s Dr King again? That’s sunshine, right?”

“Sunshine?” Robby questioned back.

“The blonde one with the glasses. Always happy, walks into any room like a ray of sunshine”

Robby’s heart melted. “Awww. You oughta tell her that, Mel could do with hearing you of all people say something that nice about here,” he called from where he was packing his backpack. “You’re getting’ soft in your old age, Dr Abbot.”

“Who’re you callin’ old?” Jack called back.

“Didn’t you say you were goin’ out for lunch?” he asked, putting on a clean hoodie. “I really have to go now or I’m definitely going to be late. And we both know that Gloria doesn’t need any more reasons to be on my case.” He pulled his shoes on, then unlocked the door. “I’ll finish on time again, be home before you know it.”

“Try not to kill anybody without me”

“Love you too, Jack. Text me if you need anything”

“Get outta here. I’m not dealing with an angry phone call from management. Love you too, Robby.”

  Jack was certain he was going crazy. Day time television was possibly the worst thing he’d ever witnessed. There were only so many journal articles he could read, he really would have to remember to get Samira a thank you gift. Crosswords were only fun so long as he knew the answer, and there were only so many times he could listen to his entire record collection. 

  As Jack was making his third coffee of the morning, ‘why did people insist on being awake when the sun was out?’ he thought as the machine bubbled. His miserable musings with regards to the insane idea about not being nocturnal was interrupted by a knock at the door. He picked up his crutches from the counter and hobbled over, only wincing twice in the twelve or so steps. 

“Just a minute,” he called as the person knocked again.

“Take your time Jack, it’s only me,” Dana called back.

With a couple more steps, Jack was leaning against the wall, unlocking and unchaining the door to let Dana in.

“Wow, you really look like shit, Abbot,” Dana greeted.

Jack started to close the door, Dana sticking her foot in the way to stop him.

“I’m just kiddin’ Jack, how you doin’?” she asked, much more kindly than before.

“Can we just get sat down before I spill everything?”

“Sure. You got some coffee?”

“Yeah, just started brewing some. You’re gonna need to carry your own mug, maybe mine too,” Jack tried to joke. Instead, all that happened was Dana gave him an incredibly sincere, concerned look and a minute glance down to his right pant leg hanging limp.

“I’m sorry, Jack. This all has really done a number on you, huh?”

Jack glared back slightly, taken aback yet again at how well Dana can read him. He shrugged, ‘no point denying it then, I guess’ he thought.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “It really fuckin’ has” 

“Oh, I’m sorry, Jack. Come on, let’s go sit down and you can get all of this off your chest. We both know you’ve been holdin’ onto everything trying to lighten Robby’s load.”

Jack shrugged again, “I’m worried about him, Dana.”

“Me too. But I’m more worried about you if I’m honest,” Dana replied, pouring two mugs of coffee and moving over to the couch.

  Once they were both sitting side by side on the couch, Dana reached over, placing her hand on Jack’s good leg asking “What happened?”

Jack sighed heavily, all of his carefully restrained emotions bubbled up to the surface. “Pitt Fest happened, Dana. You know that. I don’t fuckin’ know what happened”

“Well,” Dana began. “I got three weeks of vacation ahead of me before I even think about whether I wanna step back into the ring again. So, lay it on me Abbot. Let’s see if I can’t help work you out of this hole you’re in”

Jack set his mug down on the coffee table. “My legs fucked. My prosthetic broke, even if it wasn’t there’s not a chance in hell that I could wear it. Breathin’ hurts sometimes, so I’ve got no idea how I’m getting back on my feet.”

Dana tilted her head, eyes finding Jacks. She was attempting the reverse of his insistence on intense eye contact when making an important point.

“What else is there, Jack? You’re way to weighed down with problems for that to be it”

“Robby went for my gun,” he said flatly, as if telling Dana the weather.

Dana flinched, but only for a second. “Shit, Jack. When?”

“Same night as Pitt Fest,” he elaborated sadly. “We got home, Robby practically had to carry me from the park. Took care of my leg. Well - we tried. I made some dumb ass joke and,” he huffed a tired sigh. “The day caught up with him. I think he was pleading with Jake and Leah again. Hauled himself off the bed in a blind panic, straight to my gun safe. He was too out of it to get the code in, just sat there clawing at it. Then he passed out”

“Hyperventilating?” Dana guessed.

Jack nodded in confirmation then shrugged. “He woke up, we talked, we cried, and promised to get our shit together, help each other through it. Then we went to bed and spent the last four days dealing with it”

Dana shook her head, chuckling to herself. “And I thought last week sucked for me. You too really have the monopoly on that though, huh?”

“Nah. I reckon your day was pretty shitty too” 

A comfortable, understanding silence fell over the two friends.

  After a while of the two friends simply enjoying each other's company, sipping away at their coffees, Dana piped up again.

“Lemme see the damage, then,” she gestured to Jack’s right leg.

“Really?”

“Yeah, come on. Legend says I was a pretty great nurse back in the day”
“Hmm. You know, I heard that too,” Jack joked back. “You know what else I heard?” he asked, rolling up his pant leg and shuffling so Dana could see easier.

Dana narrowed her eyes questioningly. “What’ve you heard, Abbot?”

“That there’s this hospital, not that far from here, that’d fuckin’ love having somebody with your experience around. Apparently two of the attendings have a tendency of goin’ off the deep end. Maybe havin’ you around could help,” he explained nonchalantly, but with an undertone of sarcasm.

“Well, who knows,” Dana shrugged. “Gimme two weeks over in Yellowstone and we’ll see, okay?”

Jack nodded.

“So, you ready for me to inspect the damage?” Dana asked gently.

“On your own head be it”

  Jack pulled the leg of his pants up further, revealing the whirling mess of colours over his knee and up his thigh.

“Christ Jack,” Dana exclaimed. “I’ve seen better looking legs after a car wreck. What the fuck did you do?” As she spoke, Dana was carefully taking off the bandage to get a closer look.

“When did you last change this?”

“Robby did it last night”
Dana nodded, “you showered since?”
“Yeah, this mornin’. Tried keeping it dry, probably could’ve done a better job though. Robby gets in the way somethin’ fierce in the shower”
“Oh, come on, Abbot. Too much information,” she replied, somewhat disgusted.

“What do you take me for, Evans?” Jack asked, feigning being insulted. “All I meant was, he can stand up under the shower, I get stuck behind him, gettin’ cold on my fucking chair”

Dana stopped messing around. “It’s still getting to you, huh?” she asked, cleaning the cut on Jack’s leg with supplies from the med kit under the coffee table.

Abbot shrugged. “Not normally, but, after this happened. Yeah. It’s as bad now, ten or so years after I lost it, as when it happened. It’s actually a problem again. I’m a burden all over again.” He shook his head, “I don’t much like how that feels. Especially not with how much Robby’s already dealin’ with.”

Dana, now re-wrapping Jack’s cleaned wound, paused and patted his leg sympathetically. “I’m sorry, Jack. But, and I mean this with all of the love in the world, it’s almost like it’s a disability.”

Jack was a little stunned. “I know,” he nodded. “But,” he hesitated, working out how to word his explanation.

“It’s not been a problem for a decade. I’ve been the guy everyone relies on. Makes me feel like shit that I’m not dependable anymore, I’m just - in the way. It’s worse, because…” Jack trailed off.

“You’re okay, Jack. Talk to me,” Dana encouraged.

“I made it worse,” he confessed.

“What’d you do?”

Jack scoffed at the memory. “It happened, I felt everything go crunch. And then I finished the last couple hours ‘til I went home as if nothin’ was wrong. I made it worse by not stopping. Letting my prosthetic dig deeper into my leg, the friction irritating everything, making the bruising worse. It’s my fault I couldn't keep my fuckin’ feelings in check in the first place. Then I’m so much more of a problem for everyone  now because I fucked up my leg so much more”

Dana didn’t reply for a minute, thinking about what she’d just been told and the best way to assuage Jack’s guilt.

“Look, I could see you’re not bein’ a burden, or you’re in the way. But that’s not gonna stop you feeling it, is it?”

Jack chuckled, “you know me too well, Dana.”

“I’m not done,” she interrupted. “You’ve got PTSD, Jack. Pretty fuckin’ badly in my opinion. Sometimes, like maybe after a mass shooting for example, it takes over. I know you don’t want it to, who would? But you can’t help it.” She rested a hand on Jack’s shoulder, rubbing slowly. “You’ve been through a lot, too much for one man. Sometimes you;re gonna need help, this is just one of those times. And, yeah, I know - you’re a big, tough man who can deal with everything with dry humour and teetering off the top of the hospital. But, it’s not a character flaw to need help sometimes, we all do,” Dana huffed a laugh. “I know I fuckin’ do about now. And do you know what I’m doin’ about it?”

Jack shook his head a little hesitantly.

“I’m askin’ for help,” she answered. “Takin’ some time, weighing my options, talking to the people I need to about what I should do. Most importantly, I’m giving myself some grace. So, Jack Abbot,” she said forcefully, leaning across until Jack looked back at her. “Give yourself some grace. You deserve it,”
Jack opened his mouth to speak.

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare say you don’t. If you can’t for some reason, number one, bring that shit up with your therapist. Number two, imagine it was Robby. You can’t be kind if you think it’s you, think of your husband bein’ in your place - then react, okay?”

Jack simply nodded, rendered speechless by Dana’s words.

“Aww, come here,” she said sweetly, pulling one of her closest friends in for a warm hug.

  She let go after a little while. “Now, get a shoe on. I promised Dr King I’d bring you out to meet for lunch. She’s been so desperate to help you, but you scare her Abbot. So we’re meeting on neutral territory with a mediator.”

Jack was confused, “I scare her?”

Dana nodded, lips pressed into a straight line. “You’re pretty fuckin’ intense, incase you hadn’t noticed. It takes a while to get used to you. Maybe scare is the wrong word, but you know Mel. She doesn’t know how to act around you, and you don’t exactly give people a lot to go off”

Abbot’s brow furrowed further. “I guess I’ve gotta do a better job of telling her how good I think she does then,” he concluded.

“Yeah, I reckon you probably should do that, Dr Abbot. Maybe try not to look like you’re about to kill her at a moment's notice every now and then too. That might go a long way,” Dana shrugged.

“Don’t push your luck. And I can’t help it, that’s just my face”

  After some more complaining from Jack at being strong armed into lunch, Dana finally managed to successfully get him out of the house and loaded into her SUV.

“Wait a minute. I forgot something,” Jack suddenly announced as Dana was turning the key.

“Jesus Christ, man. What is it now? I have more luck gettin’ two kids out the door than you,” she said, objectively exasperated.

“It’s just…” he stopped himself. “Nah, it’s nothing. Let’s just go,” he dismissed.

“None of that shit, Abbot. What?”

“If we’re going to a restaurant or something, I’m thinking it’d be best if I got my handicap plaque out of my truck.”
“You got your keys?” Dana asked.

Jack handed them over without a word.

“Glove compartment?”

“Yeah. It should be on the top,” Jack answered.

Dana hopped out the car, “alright, just gimme a sec”

  With everything finally retrieved, and Abbot no longer complaining, the two made their way over to the diner that Dana had arranged with Mel to meet at. On the journey over, Jack was having a somewhat intense conversation messaging his husband.

-Did you know about this?-

-I’m going to need slightly more to go on than that, Jack-

-Forcing me out the house with Dana to meet Dr King for lunch-

🤷

-Maaayybee-

-Really Robinavitch?-

-I figured she’d have better luck than I had-

-You’re lucky I like Dana-

-Love you too. Have a nice lunch-

-Love you Robby. Be safe til you get home-

  “Finished interrogating your husband yet?” Dana asked the second Jack put his phone back in his pocket.

“For now”

The diner was close to where Mel lived, so was quite out of the way for Jack, a man who chose his house based on ideal proximity to the hospital he worked at. After way too much thinking about it, whilst living in a shitty shoe box apartment, hiding from the world and working out how to function less one foot, he worked out he needed somewhere close enough to the hospital that he could walk, but far enough away for the sound of the sirens to have faded a little. It took maybe thirty minutes of driving, Dana filling the silence with stories about her kids, attempting to keep her passenger calm. As the GPS indicated the pair were almost at their location, Dana saw Jack tense in the corner of her eye.

“How’re you doin’ there Jack?”

“Fuckin’ sorry,” he sighed shaking his head.

“No need. Are you in pain?”

“I’m fine,” Jack said back through gritted teeth.

Still keeping her eyes on the road, Dana laughed. “You’re really doin’ a shitty job of convincing me.”

Jack knew it was futile hiding what he was thinking from Dana. He let out a tense breath, “I don’t know. I’m panicking”

“Alright, did you want me to pull over?”
“No, I’m fine. It’s just fuckin’ lunch”

Dana rolled her eyes, thankful Jack was staring out the passenger window. “Remember what I said about thinking if it was Robby. If he was worried about goin’ out for lunch, would you be okay if he told you it was nothing?”

“I already hate this idea of yours”

  As Dana pulled into the parking lot, Jack tensed again, squirming barely perceptibly in the passenger seat. Once the car was stopped in a disabled parking spot, Dana turned to look at her friend. Jack was sat, his whole body tense, with his eyes closed and clearly consciously working on controlling his breathing. Dana wasn’t sure interrupting him at that point was the best idea, so she got her phone out of her purse, sending a message to Mel to ask the young resident where she was. Mel’s reply was immediate, saying that it took a little longer to get her sister to her care facility, so she’d still be another five minutes.

“There’s no rush, Jack. We’ve still got five minutes until Mel’s gonna be here. Take your time,” Dana informed her passenger, hoping to settle his nerves.

  Unfortunately, it wasn’t really working. Jack’s mind was racing. He knew he was spiralling, and he was grappling for control harder than he ever had at a Judo class. 

“Can you talk?” Dana asked gently.

“Not well,” Jack almost breathed back.

“Don’t force it, you’re okay.” Dana wracked her brain, she’d been around enough people fighting against PTSD in her time, all she had to do was work out what could be bothering Jack. 

“You’ve never been here before have you?” she asked, earning a sharp head shake from Jack. “You’ll be on your crutches,” to which Jack gave a nod.

Dana nodded in understanding, even though no one could see.

“We shouldn’t have sprung this on you, should we? I’m sorry Jack”

“No, you shouldn’t.” Jack sighed heavily, forcing his eyes open. “But we’re here now. So let’s just get in before I bolt.” Abbot’s brow furrowed again. “Don’t you fuckin’ dare say anything about bein’ able to catch me or how far I’ll get on one leg,” he snapped before burrying his head in his hands.

“Fuckin’ sorry Dana. I don’t mean that”

Dana looked at him sadly, eyes so full of understanding. “I know, honey,” she placated. “You really are having your ass kicked this week”

Jack laughed, “you can say that again”. He shook himself. “Right,” he announced, sitting bolt upright in his seat. “Three more breaths, I’ll be good,” he tried convincing himself.

  Halfway through breath two, Jack’s attempt at calming down, and nearly his physical form, went out the window. Mel had arrived, and knocked on Dana’s door so the two knew she was there.  The effect was immediate. The metallic thuds, being in an unfamiliar location and his leg still aching, Jack’s head was spinning. His logical thinking evaporated, thoughts coming too quickly, lungs constricting and hands shaking. Someone was talking, Jack knew that much. But he couldn't make out the words. They were too close though. He was in danger.

  Thirty two years as a nurse, Dana had seen people in distress. Hell, she saw people on the worst days of their lives as part of her day job. It was expected. But seeing one of her closest friends in distress, was something completely different entirely. Mel stood outside, face like a deer in headlights.

“I’m so sorry Dr Abbot. I should have thought about coming up out of nowhere on a veteran,” she apologised profusely.

Dana, as quietly as possible, got out of the car. 

“Don’t worry, kid. It’s not your fault. He was struggling before you got here,” she explained.

“But I definitely didn’t help,” Mel added.

Dana shrugged. “No. I guess you didn’t”

Mel began fidgeting nervously with her hands, before reaching into her satchel for a black case and a small piece of metal. 

“Can I try something?” Mel asked very hesitantly.

“Er, I’m not sure that’s the best idea Mel,” Dana cautioned.

“Please?”

Dana remembered something that gave her a little more confidence in whatever Mel’s idea was. “You used to work at the VA, right?”

Mel nodded vehemently. “Mhm, I was there for two months before last week,” she explained.

“I guess it’s probably not gonna make it worse,” Dana shrugged. “Sure kid, go for it. I’m gonna go call Robby.”

  Dana took a few steps away from the car, not so far that she couldn’t get over to Jack if needed, but far enough that he wouldn’t hear what was being discussed. It took a couple of tries, but Robby did apparently have a moment to answer her call.

“Dana?” he questioned, clearly cautious about why she was calling.

“Hey Robby, how’re you doin’?” 

Dana could almost hear his brow furrow. “...Fine. How’s lunch going?”

“That’s why I’m calling.”

“Yeah, I know,” Robby interrupted. “So what’s wrong?”

“Well, we’re still in the parking lot and your husband is still in the car.”

“Shit, I knew springing lunch on him was a bad idea.”

“I worked that part out too,” Dana agreed.

The background noise from Robby’s end of the phone decreased, Dana assuming he’d left the floor to talk.

“Right, okay. Talk to me Dana. What do you need? How can I help?” Robby offered, sounding slightly desperate.

Dana sighed. “Honestly, Mike. I don’t know. I hate not knowin’ how to help somebody”

“Where is he now? Is he alone?”

“No, he’s still in the car. Dr King’s in there with him”

“Wait, what?” Robby asked, shocked. “Mel is trying to talk Jack Abbot out of a panic attack?” 

“Yeah.” Dana turned around to look back at her car, stunned at what she saw. “And I think it’s worked”

“He’s okay?” Robby enquired.

“Don’t know, but his eyes are open and he’s not shaking. So, maybe not okay, but definitely better.”

“Huh. Remind me to thank Mel next time I see her will you”

“It looks like the crisis was averted, thanks to Dr King. You doin’ okay, honey?”

“It’s good being back but I definitely needed a couple days off. I spoke to Gloria earlier, booked me and Jack two weeks off together in a month, that's progress right?”

Dana laughed heartily. “Yeah, Robby. Definitely progress. You know where I am if something’s troubling you though, right? Just because I’m not in the hospital with you doesn’t mean you get to forget about me Robinavitch, you hearin’ me?”

“Always, Dana. Look, I need to go. There’s a car crash outside. Have a good lunch.”

“Take care of yourself, Robby. I’ll talk to you again later, okay?”

“Thanks”

And with that, Robby hung up and Dana made her way back to her car to see what was going on.

  With Dana gone, Mel got into the back of Dana’s car, behind the driver's seat in an effort to give Dr Abbot as much as she could. 

“Hi Dr Abbot,” she greeted, keeping her voice low. “Would it be okay if I tried something to help you?”

Jack didn’t give any hint of acknowledgement of having heard Mel, his breathing still coming in short pants.

“That’s okay. I understand how hard it is for you to talk right now.” Mel offered out the small black case, now opened and showing a small pair of ear plugs.

“These are a spare pair of ear plugs I keep with me, so they’re clean. Quiet helps me calm down, even if it isn’t noise that's making me panic in the first place,” she explained, voice still just above a whisper.

With a trembling hand, Jack reached the small distance, pulling the ear plugs from their case. 

“If you want to, I have something to keep your hands busy. Just something tiny so the shakes don’t feel as bad. Knowing I can’t stop my hands shaking makes me more nervous, maybe it would help?”

Jack nodded, giving Mel a small glance in the rear-view mirror.

Mel pulled two metal loops, interlinked with what looked to Jack like a piece of bicycle chain from her pocket, and offered it out to him.

Dr Abbot started turning it in his hands, and found it did help calm it down. It helped having something mindless to focus his attention on. Nothing that took too much thinking about, but it was still enough to distract him from his racing thoughts.

  Mel sat patiently in the back seat, not saying anything but her presence still seemed to offer a nervous familiarity that Jack found reassuring. 

“Thank you,” Jack said, voice gruff and still slightly shaky.

“Of course,” Mel replied, the grin obvious in her tone.

Jack shook his head. “No ones ever found something that works for me before. It’s just been a case of riding it out with me, how’d you know what to do?”

“Well,” Mel began. “You know I used to work at the VA for a little while before I came to the Pitt,”

Abbot nodded along, his gaze still on the small piece of metal in his hand.

“Some of it came from trial and error working with vets. The rest of it -” she fiddled with the zipper on her bag. “I’m autistic,” she admitted. “So that means I’m pretty anxious all of the time, and - well - had to work out what helps.”

Jack nodded again, not saying anything for what Mel was thinking was too long.

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. You ever need anything at work, you tell me okay?”

“Oh,” Mel said, taken aback at that response. “That probably won’t be necessary, I can normally push through it on shift.” She shrugged. “I’m just glad I could help”

“We can talk about it later,” Jack said casually. “I’m starving, let’s go eat,” he announced.

Mel was a little shocked with how the conversation went, she was expecting an interrogation about whether she’s able to do her job. An offer of support wasn’t even close to the top of the list of possibilities. 

“Sure. Almost like it's lunch time or something,” she jested.

  As the two got out of the car, Dana looked up from where she was leaning against the hood. Mel got out straight away, walking round to where the other woman was standing. Jack, as surreptitiously as he could, removed the ear plugs and slipped the fidget into his pocket, before opening his door.

“Could one of you be so kind as to pass me my crutches?” he asked sarcastically.

Dana rolled her eyes, but walked to the back door to do as Jack asked.

“So, you been here before, kid?” Dana asked as the three made their way to the entrance.

“Mhm,” Mel nodded. “I come here pretty often with my sister. She really likes the hotdogs”

Immediately upon opening the door, the smell of oil billowed out of the diner.

“Smells like a diner,” Dana commented.

“Hopeful for a fuckin’ diner,” Abbot rebuked.

“Don’t be a dick Abbot, just pick a damn table”

Mel tilted her head, trying to process the dynamic her two older colleagues had - especially outside of the hospital.

  Abbot chose a table in the corner, sitting so he was looking out over the space with a full view of everyone around him and all the exits. A server came over after a couple of minutes of the three being sat down.

“Hey guys, you all know what you wanna order?” he asked.

Abbot glared at him as he spoke, making Dana kick him under the table.

Dana addressed him first. “Hey hon,” her accent on full display. “Can I get a burger and fries and a diet dr pepper”

“Mhm,” the server hummed, scribbling it in his notebook.

“Can I get a cheese burger, extra pickles, fries, diet coke and a water,” Jack ordered.

“Got it”

Mel cleared her throat, eyes still fixed on the menu, regardless of the fact that she knew what she wanted before she walked in the door.

“Can I have a chicken burger with no mayo, a side of curly fries and a water please,” she asked, still trying to see through the menu in her hand.

“Okay. Anything else?” the server asked out of necessity.

Before Jack could offer a sarcastic response, Dana interrupted his train of thought.
“That’ll be all hun, thanks,” she said with a warm smile.

“We’ll get that going for you. It’ll probably be maybe fifteen minutes,” he said walking back towards the kitchen.

  The wait for their food passed quickly. Conversation flowed surprisingly easily between the three. Mel recounted stories of her trips here with her sister, Dana talking about what her kids had been up to and Jack remembering the best cheeseburger he’d ever eaten. His attention waned somewhat when Dana and Mel, both sitting opposite him at their table, got to talking about a new film they’d watched. The overlap coming from Dana’s kids and Mel’s sister both being slightly obsessed. Jack stopped listening almost entirely at the mention of ‘new’ and ‘film’. All he heard was something about wicked princesses or something to that effect.

  His distraction was ended by the arrival of their food, which Jack inhaled by the time the others were less than halfway through their respective lunches.

Mel gave him a quizzical glance over a sip of water.

Jack shrugged. “Old habits die hard, especially when they get triggered along with the panic attacks,” he scoffed at the end of his explanation.

“It must come in handy at work though, right?” Mel asked.

“Sometimes,” Jack conceded.

Dana couldn’t help but laugh. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man eat a sandwich so fast!”

Jack rolled his eyes, “Come on Dana,” he groaned. “That was one time”

Dana was still laughing. “This guy ate a sandwich in three bites, cracked two chests, got three others up to surgery, sprinted faster than I’ve ever seen him move, threw up the sandwich again - all in thirty minutes”

By the end of her abridged explanation of one of the Pitt’s craziest days, Jack was laughing too and Mel was grinning. 

“Wow. I - have no idea what to say to that,” Mel admitted.

“Don’t worry kid, nobody does,” Dana replied.

  As Jack was watching the two women finish their lunches, he was drawn out of his day dreaming by a loud crash from the kitchen and a startled jump and yelp from Mel opposite him. Jack’s face fell, instead of being launched back into anxiety, this time he was just angered by the noise.

“Oh, that reminds me, Dr Abbot,” Mel piped up. “There was one more thing that I’ve found really helpful, but it’s pretty difficult to demonstrate in a car”

Jack didn’t speak, just hummed an acknowledgement.

“Do you know how cows are slaughtered?” Mel asked deadpan.

“What the fuck kind of a question’s that?” Jack snapped.

“Easy Abbot,” Dana reached across to place a hand on the man’s forearm, trying to offer a sense of calm.

“Get off of me,” Jack jerked his arm away. He proceeded to dish a series of bills from his wallet, grab his crutches from beside him and walk out of the diner. Parting with an “I’ll wait outside”

  Mel looked a little like a scolded child, head down turned and not wanting to meet Dana’s caring gaze.

“Did I say something wrong?” she asked, completely earnestly.

“No kid. If anyone would have said  something they’d get the same reaction. It just happened to be you,” Dana explained. “What was it you were going to say about cows?”

“Well,” Mel began explaining as she hurried to finish her lunch. “Before cows are slaughtered, they’re put into a machine that essentially squeezes them until they’re calm. The deep pressure relaxes the sympathetic nervous system, causing the pulse rate to slow and offers a sense of relaxation. That happens in humans too. I wanted to tell Dr Abbot in case he found it helpful too.” Mel shrugged, "I guess I probably should have opened with that though, right?”

Dana smiled kindly, “Hmm, maybe. But I doubt he would’ve listened anyway. But, now I know, I’ll tell him when I get him home. That sound okay to you?”

Mel nodded, “thanks Dana.”

“Course kid. We all sure got lucky having you join us in the Pitt. I’m gonna go pay the bill. You finish up,” she said standing and shimmying out from the table. “Then I gotta go to the bathroom. Meet you outside?”

“Hang on,” Mel urged, routing around for her wallet.

“Put your money away, Dr King. This is on me… Well, actually it’s on Jack, but he’d insist anyway. Even if he hadn’t left his cash and run”

“Are you sure?”

“Definitely. Now, finish your fries and I’ll see you by the car”

  Mel went over to Dana’s SUV, finding Dr Abbot leaning against the passenger door. Before Mel had a chance to apologise, Jack spoke first.

“Look, I’m sorry Mel,” he shook his head. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I apologise. What did you want to say about killing cows?”

“Okay, yeah,” Mel hesitated. “I definitely need to explain what I meant,” she said sarcastically, earning a small quirk of a smile from Jack.

Mel was part way through her explanation when Dana came out of the diner, a smile on her face at seeing Jack happily, if not slightly intensely, listening to the young doctor. Dana didn’t interrupt, just got round to her door and unlocked the car. 

  When Mel finished, Jack humming in consideration of trying her idea in the future, Dana smiled to herself again.

“So how could I actually try it?” Jack asked.

“Well, I have a weighted blanket at home. But sometimes just lying on the floor helps. Or you could wear a heavy backpack, or get someone to lie on top of you. That last one might be more difficult though, you’ve got to have someone around and willing to just sort of crush you into a couch or something,” she rambled.

Jack’s face was a picture of confusion. “You don’t know, do you?” he asked.

Mel’s face mirrored Jacks. “Know… what?”

“Huh,” Jack realised. “I guess the gossip mill’s running a little slow for the new kids,” he said to Dana.

“Actually, I’ve heard a lot of things,” Mel interrupted. “I just try not to pay attention to any of it in case it’s all false.”

Dana piped up, “well, it is in fact true, that our good Dr Abbot here is married to the boss.”

“Dr Robby is actually your husband?” Mel asked, clearly stunned at the information being true.

Jack chuckled, “mhm. He married me almost a decade ago now,”

“Hmm, maybe I should pay more attention to all the rumours then I guess,” Mel concluded, making both Dana and Jack laugh.

 After everyone had managed to reign in their laughter at the strange way Mel found out about her boss's relationship, Mel spoke up first.

“I should get going,” she announced. “It’s meant to rain soon and I want to get home before it does”

“Nonsense,” Dana immediately interjected. “Get in the car, kid. I’ll give you a ride. You headin’ home?”

“Thanks, I don’t want to impose though.”

“It’s not even close to imposing, Mel. I’ve got to take this guy home,” Dana said, sticking a thumb in Jack’s direction. “Then I need to go grocery shoppin’.”

“I thought vacation time was meant to be relaxing, why does it sound like you’ve got about four hundred things to do every day?” Jack asked

“Because I still got a husband and two kids to take care of, jackass. Now, everybody in the car,” she snapped back.

  The drive to Mel’s apartment went by quickly, casual conversation about the hospital, or as casual discussion about an emergency department can be, and the three had arrived. Mel bid everyone adieu, and hurried into her building as the first spots of rain started to fall. The drive across Pittsburgh back to Jack and Robby’s passed quietly. Jack quietly stared out of the window, giving grunts of acknowledgement to pretty much everything Dana was saying.
“Jesus man, a fuckin’ dog’d be better conversation than you are,” she teased.

“Hmm?” Jack questioned back, still not saying any full words

“You alright over there?”

“Mhm, painkillers have worn off. My leg hurts,” he said, voice unnaturally tight.

“Well, we’re about five minutes out. Not long to go, okay?” Dana tried to reassure.

“Mhm”

  Without any further conversation, Jack pulled his phone out, typing away at it to fill the small remaining time before he got home. Unbeknownst to Dana, he was converting the information Mel had given him into note form. So he could remember what to do and what to tell Robby when he got home later that evening. He also noted down the name of the ear plugs, so he could order himself a pair.

“Still with me,” Dana inquired as she rounded the final corner onto Jack’s street.

“Yeah. Sorry ‘bout that. It just kinda gives me these really intense waves of pain for no good reason.”

“It’s no skin off my nose Jack, it’s probably the most quiet I’ve had in decades”

“Glad I could help”

“Well, we’re here Jack”

“No shit. I’m out of it but I can recognise my own house.” Jack groaned, “God, fucking sorry. I think you’d probably better go. Leave me no more chance to be a dick to you”

“You really think that’s gonna scare me off?” Dana laughed, parking the car. “Not even close, gimme a second,” she said, getting out to get Jack his crutches.

“What happened to you having a load of shit to do?”

“Still do. But I gotta make sure you don’t fall on your ass gettin’ in your door. Same as I did for my grandpa”

“There’s that glowing bedside manner we all know and love”

“Now, get your ass up already old man,” Dana urged 

  Sat back on his couch with a glass of water and two extra strength ibuprofen, Jack felt the lingering tension from his panic attack finally flow from his tense body.

“Better?” Dana asked, from where she was leaning against the kitchen table.

Jack threw the pills in his mouth, swallowing them down with half of the water and let out a satisfied sigh as he finished, “much”

“Thanks Dana, seriously. You didn’t have to go out of your way to pick me up and bring me home again.”

“You kiddin?” Dana scoffed. “That’s nothin’ Jack, it’s just what friends do, okay? I’m expecting the same treatment if I ever lose a fight with a box.”

“Wouldn’t recommend it. But, noted. I am forever in your debt it seems”

“Whiskey or gin always works. You know, if you’re ever feelin’ particularly thankful”

Jack laughed, with Dana joining in, just two friends making each other chuckle over nothing in particular. A lightness settled over Jack in that moment. Something that hadn’t been present in way too long.

  Dana cleared her throat, “this has been fun Abbot, but I really do have to go sort my house out.”

“Yeah, of course. Thanks for this Dana, again.”

Making her way back to the front door, trailed slowly by the clicking of Abbot’s crutches, Dana shrugged it off. “Nah, it was fun for me too. You or Robby ever need anything, you know where I am, okay? I mean it, any time Jack. Both a you mean more to all of us than you know, don’t deal with all your shit alone”

Jack embraced Dana in the open doorway, “thanks Dana. We will - I promise. Now, go get your groceries before you make a grown man cry again”

“Bye Abbot,” she said, leaving the house as Abbot waved for a couple of seconds from the doorway. He locked it behind him and made his way back to the couch, alone again and wondering what to do to fill the next few hours until his husband got home.

Chapter Text

  Dana had just left, meaning it was now just Jack and his thoughts for the rest of the afternoon. That was a recipe for disaster if he left it that way, finding something to do was a priority. First priority was coffee, as it so often was. Once his mug was filled (a gag gift from a work secret Santa, reading ‘trust me, I’m a doctor’), Jack got his laptop from the coffee table to sit on his lap. The wince he made even from the small amount of weight against his injured leg, led to a swift readjustment of just having it rest against his left leg.

  Jack was a man with a plan. He needed to find three different things: a restock for his go-bag, he needed to replenish the supplies that were used during the MCI. Three different thank you gifts, one for Dana, one for Mel and one for Samira. Whilst everyone had helped, Jack felt the three ladies needed a particular gesture of appreciation. Finally, he wanted to look up the things Dr King had told him about earlier in the day. Jack was taking his promise to Robby seriously. He was going to work on finding new things to help him, this felt like a step in that direction.

  Two out of the three searches were easy. Jack went to the same medical supply store he’s always used to restock his go-bag, even going further to buy more tactical airways as they, yet again, proved their usefulness. A quick search of the names of products Mel recommended allowed Jack to order himself a small, inconspicuous fidget he could attach to his backpack and a pair of the same earplugs Dr King said were best. 

  However, Dr Abbot was objectively stumped on ideas for thank you gifts. He was going to take Dana’s advice, and buy her a good bottle of alcohol. The others were a little more difficult. He wanted a way to show his gratitude, but nothing too intense. His memory kicked in, noting that Samira had been complaining about not being able to find her favourite coffee grounds anymore. It took some finding, but he eventually found a name that rang a bell. He ordered the type Samira liked, along with a couple others for her, and himself and Robby, to try.

  Dr King was where he was truly stumped. She’d only worked in the pitt for a couple of weeks, and the only time Jack had worked with her was during the MCI, where he was much too focused on the dozens of dying victims than assessing his new coworkers.

“How the fuck is this so hard?” he wondered aloud, to the empty house. “What do people like?”

In the end he settled on something fairly neutral, a nice bar of chocolate, and something useful - a couple new notebooks for using to take notes in the ED.

  Once he’d finished his browsing, Jack shut down the laptop, stowing it back under the coffee table and sighing. It was three in the afternoon, four hours before Robby would get home and, under normal circumstances, about when he liked to get up. With a huff, and as if out of nowhere, he was moving to the bedroom to get his small set of adjustable dumbbells out to do as close to a workout as he’d be able to get. There was no way he was going to the gym. Hobbling around the relatively small space on crutches and, with everyone there knowing him, he couldn’t deal with all of their questions. He’d make do with what he had to hand, and find out as he went what he could and couldn’t do.

  He didn’t drag himself through his normal upper body workout. Instead opting for a much simpler set of exercises, all of which he could do sitting down. He went to the spare room, where the small workout bench was kept against the wall. Setting it up was the hardest part, dragging it off the wall on one leg was more difficult than he expected. Once everything was in place it all went smoothly.

  Jack moved easily between exercises; bicep curls, wrist curls, lateral raises, front raises, shoulder presses - whatever he could think of. Sure, it wasn’t his usual caliber of workout, but it was better than nothing. It got his blood pumping, was better than sitting and thinking until Robby got home and it took his mind off the pain in his leg. He let out a long breath when his final set was done, dropping the weights on the floor and collapsing heavily back into the bench. Abbot just sat there for a minute, waiting for the pulsing in his head to calm down. He took a deep breath, grabbing his crutches and walking down the hall to take a shower. ‘Cleaning up can wait ‘til later’ he thought as he went.

  It was very much a perfunctory wash, only held up by Jack’s sudden remembering to tape a plastic bag over the cuts on his stump. This, however, led to a very uncomfortable moment of having to get from the bathroom to the kitchen naked. Jack was really glad he was home alone, he hated the idea of Robby having to look at the damage he’d caused to his leg any more than was strictly necessary. Plus it wasn’t something he did often, if at all, so he found it really quite weird seeing how - everything - moved when he walked.

  Once he was clean and dressed again Jack grabbed himself a bowl of yogurt with frozen berries after his workout. But that did remind  him, Robby was going to come home hungry. He really should see what they had available for dinner. They’d definitely been spending too much money on take out and, with time on his hands, Jack was determined to make them a nutritious, home cooked meal. 

  There was plenty in the cupboards, along with some vegetables that were getting close to spoiling in the refrigerator. Jack decided on some marinated tofu and stir fried vegetables, nutritious but about as easy to make as it gets. Plus he was able to do all the chopping at once on his kitchen stool, then move to cook everything again on his stool - no pain in his leg, no precarious balancing. Or so he hoped anyway.

  Getting settled on the couch again to read over some of the new articles Dr Mohan had sent him, Jack’s phone buzzed. It was Dr Ellis checking in, Jack smiled as he started typing back.

-Morning boss, how’s the leg?  You going stir crazy yet?

-You wanna hear something funny from last night?-

  Sent 16:46

-Mornin Parker, leg’s fine. Still there-

-Stir crazy? Not so much, Dana came and let me out of my cage for a while earlier. More just going crazy-

-Fucking get to know me already! Course I want to know what happened-

Sent 16:47

-You are losing it, your leg’s not been there as long as I’ve known you-

-Shen and Walsh both got barfed on!-

Sent 16:47

Both of Parker’s messages made Jack laugh, he was starting to miss being able to banter with his resident in person. 

-No way!-

-I can’t even remember the last time I saw Walsh get anything on her other than blood she drew-

-How’d both of them get hit?-

Sent 16:49

-Hot appy came in, it was projectile-

-I’ve never been more happy to be dealing with a combative addict with an infected abscess-

Sent 16:53

-I bet!-

Sent 16:54

-That’s not even the best part-

-It happened an hour after Shen said he didn’t remember the last time he had to change scrubs on shift-

-The man needs to learn to stop jinxing shit somehow-

Sent 16:57

-Never going to happen Ellis-

-He’s just too chill about everything to care-

Sent 16:59

-Who taught you to call stuff ‘chill’ old man?-

Sent 17:00

-Mateo-

-I think he’s mostly done it to freak everyone else out-

-Is it working?-

Sent 17:00

-Yeah, it’s working-

-Sorry, my cat jumped in my dishwater-

Sent 17:23

-I sure as shit wasn’t expecting that-

Sent 17:24

-Sent an image-

Sent 17:26

-That cat looks like it’s about to kill you-

Sent 17:26

-Nah, he loves me really-

-I’m on at 6:30, so I gotta go-

-Hope your leg feels better soon, boss. See you when you get back-

Sent 17:32

-Thanks for checking in again Parker-

-Have a good shift. I’ll be back before you know it!-

Sent 17:35

 Jack got four paragraphs into his article before his phone buzzed again. This time it was Shen.

-Hey man, how’s the bruise coming?-

-If Parker says anything about vomit, don’t believe her. It’s all lies-

-You want me to drop off a coffee on my way in? I’m getting in early so your husband can go home-

Sent 17:46

-We’re getting to the point where you’re about to have an intervention over your coffee intake Shen-

Sent 17:46

-But if what Parker’s said is all lies, that means I’m going to have to go back to knowing Walsh didn’t get puked on. And I don’t want to do that-

Sent 17:48

-I’m in the line at dunkin, do you want coffee or not?-

Sent 17:48

-No thanks-

Sent 17:48

-Suit yourself-

-And there is nothing wrong with how much coffee I drink-

Sent 17:50

-You had coffee delivered 3 times in one shift two weeks ago-

Sent 17:52

-How I choose to spend the big attending bucks should be no one’s problem but mine!-

Sent 17:54

-You just keep telling yourself that John-

Sent 17:54

-It could be worse, could be benzos or some shit-

Sent 17:57

-You say that shit to Robby, I’ll personally make sure you get no caffiene for a fucking month-

Sent 17:57

-Sorry man-

-I just got to the hospital. Your guy should be home soon-

-Get back soon, its weird round here without your sunny disposition-

Sent 18:01

-Hope the night goes easy on you-

-I’ll try and bring my positivity back next week-

Sent 18:05

-Please do. Walsh keeps picking on me without you here-

Sent 18:05

-I’m back Monday-

Sent 18:08

-Thank god. See you man-

Sent 18:09

-Bye John-

Sent 18:12

Jack typed out one more message quickly before getting back to the article from Samira.

To: Robby (ICE)

-My kids are better than yours. They both checked in on me to make sure I’m doing okay. Yours didn’t do that when you were off-

😏

Sent 18:13

-Will you stop separating the kids-

-Also, yours are much more grown up than mine-

Sent 18:27

-YOU JUST DID IT TOO!-

Sent 18:28

-Oh, and you like my kids just as much!-

Sent 18:30

-Hmm. Yeah, they’re all pretty fucking great-

-We’re such lucky parents-

Sent 18:30

-Am I the mom in this scenario?-

Sent 18:32

-Interesting that you assume you’re the mom-

-Nah, Dana’s the mom-

-We’re both the dads-

-Actually, maybe Dana's the cool aunt... I dunno-

Sent 18:33

-I need to go hand off to Shen-

Sent 18:35

-Alright honey. I’ll see you soon. Love you-

Sent 18:35

 With his boasting done, Jack settled in for a few more minutes to finally make solid progress on the article.

    It got to just after 7pm and Robby was calling.

“Hey honey,” Jack answered down the phone.

“I’ve just left, got hand off done early. I should be home soon.”

“How was your day, Robby?” Jack asked, something about Robby’s tone and the way he was hurrying through everything he was saying wasn’t sitting right. And that was ignoring the fact that Jack already knew Shen had done the hand over early.

Robby hummed. “Not now, not here please,” he said sadly.

“Alright Mikey. I’ll see you when you get home, yeah?”

“Mhm, love you Jack"

“I love you too Robby,” Jack said, audibly smiling.

  With the confirmation that his husband was on the way home, Jack got started making dinner. It was a simple process, slicing all the vegetables and laying them out on a cutting board to easily add them into the pan he had pre-heating. He got the tofu coated in a little seasoned cornstarch before wheeling over to the stove to start cooking.

  Just as Jack was adding the rest of the vegetables into his pan, Robby’s key turned in the lock. There was thud, followed by a grunt from the front door, along with the rattling of the chain.

“For fuck’s sake Jack!” Robby shouted. “Come take the damn chain off so I can take off my shoes!”

“Just a sec, Robby” Jack called back to him, tipping the stir fry out onto a couple of plates before reaching for his crutches and getting to the door as quickly as he could.

“Sorry honey,” Jack apologised as he unhooked the chain, allowing Robby to charge into their house.

“No problem!” he called back. “Sorry, I’ve needed to pee since 4:30,” he explained, racing into their en suite.

Jack just laughed as he watched him peel round the bedroom door frame. 

“Take your time,” he chuckled.

  After a few minutes of waiting, Robby re-emerged, carrying his shoes.

“Fuckin’ sorry about that. I had too much coffee and we just kept getting slammed with patients all afternoon. But hey! I still left on time!”

“That you did,” Jack agreed. “It’s almost like you're taking this ‘not working yourself into the ground’ thing seriously,” he joked.

Robby nodded, ignoring Jack’s sarcasm. “Mhm!”

“I’m prouda you, Robinavitch,” Jack said honestly. “But can we eat now?”

Robby rolled his eyes, “yes Jack, I’m starving, we can eat”

“I cooked and everything. The plates are by the stove, can you get them? There’s not a chance in hell I’m hopping them over without spilling everything, falling on my ass or most likely both”

Smiling kindly, Robby nodded.  “Of course I can, honey”

  As the pair ate, Jack spoke up again.

“Did you want to talk about it now?”

Robby sighed heavily. “No, I don’t wanna talk about it ever. But we promised, right?”

Jack nodded, understanding . “Do you wat to just talk? Or do you want me to ask questions?”

After thinking about it for a moment, Robby answered. 

“Ask questions”

“M’kay,” Jack said around a mouthful of food. “Was there one particular thing that happened?”

“Yeah,” Robby answered, staring at his plate

“A patient, a doc or Gloria?”

“Patient”

“Did they make it?”

Robby’s lower lip quivered, “she looked like Leah”

Jack stopped where he sat. Immediately he knew why Robby was so… unhappy. He knew what he’d done too, he didn’t even need to be told.

“Did he pick up?”

The taller man’s breaths were coming quicker. He shook his head, tucking his chin tight into his chest as tears began falling.

  Jack got up from his chair and hugged Robby close against his stomach.

“I’m sorry baby,” he cooed, stroking Robby’s hair.

Robby shook his head fiercely against Jack, “not your fault”

“Mhm, I know it isn’t. But I’m sorry that you’ve had a bad day honey,” he murmured gently, still slowly running his hands through the hair on the back of Robby’s head.

“It’s been less than a week. Jake probably just needs some more time”
“You don’t know that,” Robby argued.

Jack took a deep breath, “no. I don’t, Mikey. But it’s not on you, okay. We all did everything we could to save her, and you’ve been trying to get in touch with Jake, the ball’s in his court now”

Through strained breaths and tears, Robby said, “I can’t lose anyone else”

“You’ve not lost him Robby, okay? You haven’t.” Jack pulled Robby tighter into himself. “You did everything right to save Leah, there was nothing else, nothin’," he said, fighting his own feelings now, Robby’s pain getting to him too.

“We were fighting against impossible odds, you know this Mike.” He blew out a breath - voice quivering, “it’s not gonna stop hurting for a while. We were in hell that day, its…” Jack trailed off.

He sniffed back his own tears, “fuck baby, I don’t know what else to say. It was fuckin’ awful. I’m…” He sighed.

“I’m just so sorry Robby,” Jack finished, his own tears finally falling.

  Robby held onto Jack tight for a few, long minutes. He took a couple of steadying breaths, grounding himself in the smell that was so completely ‘Jack’. Above him, Jack, too, had gathered himself again. 

“We’re gonna get through this, Michael,” he said.

Robby nodded, pulling back and steering Jack back into his chair. He linked their hands over the small table, his deep, emotional eyes meeting Jack’s.

“Together,” Robby said, voice raw.

Jack’s face beamed, “together”

  The two continued eating together, hands interlocked, just absorbing the comfort the other’s presence offered. Both plates were pretty much clean when Jack spoke again.

“I’m really glad Dr King got a job in the pitt”

“Yeah?” Robby asked, not really sure of where his husband was going with this. 

“You know she worked at the VA before, right?”

Robby nodded, “she told me on the first day, you were there, man”

“Oh yeah,” Jack remembered. “I had a PTSD thing at the diner,” he shrugged. “She helped. Quite a lot actually,” he shrugged again. “But I’m alright now”

Not really sure what to say, Robby nodded again. “That’s good. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Jack quirked up the corner of his mouth in a sly half-smile. “We promised, right?”

Giving a sideways nod, Robby agreed. “That we did, Dr Abbot”

  “I was panicking before I knew anything was wrong,” Jack began. “We were almost there, I’d never been before, didn’t have my leg on, wasn’t expecting to go out with Dana, didn’t know Mel was comin’.” 

He paused for air before carrying on. “We were waiting for Mel, I was breathing like I’m supposed to. She didn’t know, it wasn’t her fault”
“What happened sweetheart?” Robby probed gently.

Jack shook his head, “it’s fuckin’ dumb”

Robby sighed, “none of that, Jack”

“She just knocked on the damn window and I lost it,” he said, voice full of venom aimed solely at himself. 

“And you got through it,” Robby tried to reassure.

Jack let out a harsh, hollow laugh. “That wasn’t even the worst fuckin’ part,” he said, raising his voice.

“Sure, I got into the diner, but all I could think was I was back in basic in the chow hall or some shit. I inhaled my lunch, looked ridiculous, then some poor sap dropped something in the kitchen and practically ducked for cover in the middle of a fucking diner! I snapped at everyone, stormed out and loitered outside like a moron until Dana and Mel were done.” He shook his head, scraping his chair back from the table to put as much space as he could between him and Robby.

“I ruined it,” Jack said quietly. 

Robby’s mouth turned down in sympathy, “I doubt that Jack. Did either of them say you made lunch worse?”

“No, they didn’t have to.”

Jack gulped down a choking breath, “oh fuck Robby, I’m sorry. I’m ruining this too. And I’m doing everything I’m not supposed too”

“Alright baby, just relax,” Robby soothed.

Breathing deeply again, willing himself to calm down, Jack nodded repeatedly. “I’m okay, I’m okay”

“Yeah, you are. You’re okay Jack”

Jack kept nodding, gathering himself until his breath came easier. “Dana told me something before we went to lunch”

“Yeah?” Robby inquired, curious about the relevance of his husband's point.

“She said - if,” he blew a breath out of pursed lips. “If I can’t give myself grace, I need to think of it as happening to you, then treat myself the same”

“I can imagine you hate the idea of that, huh?”

“I don’t deserve it. I don’t know why and I can’t get myself to stop thinking it. I know I need to, and I think that makes it worse,” Jack said, voice small, almost frightened to be admitting it. 

“Well… If brains were easy to understand then I think we’d both be much less fucked up”

Jack laughed, “ain’t that the fuckin’ truth”

  Robby and Jack sat together, holding hands over their small dining table in a knowing silence for a short while. At the point where Jack noticed Robby’s eyes closing for the third time he huffed out a breath. Abbot stood up, hopping over to his rolling stool then rolling back to take the empty plates and glasses over to the counter.

“Go take a shower baby. Wash your day off and get into your pj’s. I’ll get these couple dishes cleaned,” Jack instructed sweetly.

Robby groaned, “no, let me help,” he tried to insist.

Expecting this to come, Jack had a contingency plan.  “What about, I’ll make us both a cup of tea and change the sheets, then we can both do the dishes together after you’re done?” he offered.

Narrowing his eyes at his husband's slightly underhand tactics, Robby sighed. “Hm’kay,” he conceded.

“Good, off you go then honey” 

  When the shower turned on Jack smiled to himself, happy that his husband was finally winding down for the evening. He knew now that it wouldn't be long until the day's exhaustion overwhelmed the older man. As the kettle boiled, Jack got a matching ‘his and his’ mug set out of the cupboard. For a gag gift from one of Robby’s old friends from Doctors Without Borders, they got used more than anything else from their wedding gifts. Jack also suddenly wondered if they owned any mugs that weren’t printed with odd messages given to them by co-workers. 

  He filled the sink with water, getting it ready for Robby to come back. Whilst Jack was still going to insist he cleaned the dishes, he wasn’t going to do it behind his partner's back. As the chamomile bags steeped, Jack headed up the stairs on his crutches to the bedroom to change the bed sheets, as he said he would. It also meant he’d have an excuse to ogle his husband, and he was never going to give up that opportunity. He was only human.

  Robby padded barefoot through from the en suite, with the dark blue bath towel slung low on his hips, Jack did everything in his power not to get caught openly staring. 

“You really aren’t as slick as you think you are,” Robby said, voice husky.

“Can you blame a guy for wantin’ to check out his husband?”

Robby shrugged, “guess not. You need a hand?”

“I’d take a foot if there’s one goin’,” Jack quipped back. “I hate having to crawl over the fuckin’ mattress to get all the corners on”

After getting a pair of boxers from the dresser, Robby moved to the side of the bed Jack wasn’t standing on.

“You get that side, I’ll get this side,” he said as he tugged the fitted sheet over the first corner.

“Thank you, Robby,” Jack said kindly. “I’ve got everything else done.” He shrugged, “it’s just hard wrestling a king size sheet on with a bum bad leg”

  With both of them working together, the bed was put back together, with literal military precision in no time and the two men headed back downstairs to clean the dishes and collect their mugs of tea.

“You taken your meds yet?” Jack asked as he rinsed off a glass.

Robby shook his head and went to pick up all the pill bottles from the cupboard above the oven.

“You?” he shot back at the shorter man.

“The morning ones, yeah. But no, not the important ones”

Each man portioned out their respective prescriptions, knocked their closed hands together with a “cheers,” and swallowed them down with a sip of much too hot chamomile tea.

“Ah!” Jack said, feigning satisfaction. “Nothin’ better than a handful of ‘don’t kill yourself pills’ to end the night,” he joked. 

  Looking back to Robby, who was drying forks, Jack couldn’t help but notice how much he was leaning to his right. Thinking about it suddenly, he remembered how many times he’d seen his partner wincing throughout the night. As he lent across to fold the bed sheets, reaching for his glass of water, bending down to get dressed.

‘Yeah, his back’s fuckin’ killin’ him. But the stubborn bastard isn’t gonna let me do shit about it’ he thought.

  Once all the dishes were washed, and there were only a few items left to be dried, Jack was sick of watching Robby wince.

“Alright, that’s enough outta you. Come with me, Mikey,” Jack said, abandoning his dish towel.

“What? No, let’s at least finish the dishes,” Robby argued.

“No, come on Robby. You’re not even standing straight, let me sort your back out,” Jack urged, already making his way into the bedroom. “You know you need it, and you’re gonna feel so much better as soon as you let me help”

Robby let out a tired sigh, but left his dish towel with Jacks and begrudgingly followed after him. He knew his husband was right, his back really was bothering him, but it still sucked when he had to admit that. Entering the bedroom, Robby saw Jack getting out the tiger balm then patting the mattress for Robby to sit down.

“Lemme help,” Jack said.

The fight had pretty much drained out of Robby, fatigue and discomfort setting in in full force.

“I’m just going to apologise now for when I fall asleep on you.”

“That’s the intended consequence man. In fact, I’d be offended if you’re still awake when I’m done. I’ll be shit conversation and doing my best to relax your fuckin’ back”

“Hmm ‘kay,” Robby hummed, clearly already flagging.

“Get comfy, Mikey,” Jack said gently, encouraging Robby down, lying on his stomach on the mattress.

  Jack got a small amount of tiger balm on his fingers, the familiar smell already heavy in the air. 

“Here we go honey,” Jack cooed, beginning working on the top of Robby’s trapezius. Whilst rubbing deeply and evenly along the top of Robby’s shoulder blades, Jack kept whispering sweet encouragement to help him relax.

“There we go, Robby. Drop your shoulders, relax for me honey”

Moving down, Jack was working down Robby’s spine, then pausing to give the most attention to his left oblique, the source of most of his discomfort. As Jack kneaded a particularly tight knot, Robby let out a throaty groan.

“That feel good?” he taunted.

“Mmmm,” Robby hummed in a content reply.

 Jack spent a solid ten minutes working on Robby’s obliques. By the time he was finished, the man beneath him was asleep. His body was completely relaxed, breath coming out in small, quiet snores. Abbot’s heart melted a little. Robby was almost never this relaxed, and every time he saw it he was reminded of Robby’s beauty. It acted as almost a flashback to their younger days, before the weight of the world planted its crushing weight onto the pair's shoulders, in times before they acted as Atlas for all the people around them. When they still had youthful innocence and a naive belief that they were going to change the world.

  Before he knew it, there were silent tears rolling down Jack’s cheeks. He wasn’t sad, just -  emotional - he wasn’t entirely sure. Having to be so reliant on those around him again, for the first time in the best part of a decade, made him realise how much he’d grown. But, and this was where the problem came for him, he also realised how little he’d changed too. He was less angry, sure. But the same pull of ending it all constantly lingered in the periphery of his consciousness.

  But there was a counter to that now. Back then, he was grieving so much loss. The loss of a limb, the loss of the career he’d known for so much of his life, the loss of those he thought were, and always would be, his family. Now, the grief was gone, he was more content in his work than he ever had been and there were more people who cared about him than he ever believed possible, and long past how many he thought he deserved.

  When he felt the strength of his emotions increase, he grabbed his crutches from beside the bed and quietly made his way into the bathroom. Whilst it was something he very much wanted to talk to Robby about - another change from the two men of the past - he didn’t want to do it now. Jack cared more about Robby than himself, and after a long, difficult, emotional shift, he knew the necessity of a good night's sleep. Robby had showered and cleaned his teeth before helping with the dishes, now; with Robby sleeping soundly in the next room, Jack went through his short nighttime routine, using the time to process his emotions, covering up the final tears with the spray of the shower.

  Feeling clean, comfortable and no longer overwhelmed by the weight of his feelings, Jack made his way back to the bedroom. He quickly hung his crutches back up, slipped under the covers and pulled Robby into his chest. With the weight of the man he loved above him, and drained from how much he’d felt throughout the day, Jack quickly fell asleep - safe in the knowledge that both he and Robby were still together and doing okay.

Chapter Text

  Robby woke up, anxiety bubbling in his chest and churning in his stomach. Beside him his husband was sprawled out on his front, one arm thrown over Robby’s chest and his injured leg propped up on an extra pillow. It was 06:20, Robby’s shift started at 07:00 - he needed to get moving.

 Extracating himself from beneath Jack, he padded to the en suite to get ready for the day ahead. He had the day shift, as always. But unlike usual Jack had two and a half weeks of swing shifts ahead of him, Shen was on nights. Selfishly, Robby was happy to have the chance to work with his partner. However, he was also aware of both the fact that Jack didn’t like working whilst the sun was still up. As well as, probably more importantly, he was still in pain and still couldn’t wear his prosthetic. The latter point was part of the reason he was working midday to midnight, there would always be another attending around if the other man came upon something he couldn’t handle. 

 As the warm water cascaded over him in the shower, Robby revelled in a quiet moment to breathe and take stock of himself. His back felt so much better than it had last week, Jack massaging it every night certainly went a long way to helping with that. There was only so long he could linger, he needed to get to the hospital. He cleaned his teeth and combed his hair simultaneously, saving time where he could.

 Robby grabbed a t-shirt and boxer briefs out of the dresser, before picking up a set of scrubs out of his closet. Their scrubs were the only reason the two men had separate closets. Having to wear identical clothes to work proved an issue when it came to sizing. They made the decision after a very uncomfortable shift for Robby with scrub pants that were a few inches too short. And another equally memorable situation where Jack wore a set of Robby’s scrubs that were too long in the leg and, whilst sprinting through the ED to get to an incoming trauma, he ate the floor tiles in front of what felt like every other member of staff on shift. When Robby got called back into work at 23:00 to collect his concussed fiance, the man in question rambled at him, irritated, for the best part of an hour; Robby reached the conclusion that they should just store their scrubs separately so he never had to endure that again.

 Making himself a cup of coffee to take with him, and grabbing a tupperware of lunch to eat later in the day, Robby wrote Jack a quick note before lacing up his shoes and heading out to work. The short walk was refreshing, the wind chill hinting at becoming truly autumnal. The kind of weather where if the sun wasn’t out he’d need more than just his hoodie. It was the kind of weather Robby loved. It wasn’t too hot. The stifling heat of the summer always made tempers shorter and so many more people went into the pitt for heat stroke. And the snow was yet to arrive, which always led to more car wrecks. Not to mention people freezing to death on the streets, or worse, in their own apartments. It really was Robby’s favourite time to be outside.

 Sliding his air pod case into his backpack, Robby reached the hospital. The noise of chairs was buzzing away as always, the man was just glad that no one was screaming or threatening any of his staff. Getting through into the pitt, his head was on a swivel, trying to survey everything as fast as possible to see if he had to be somewhere urgently.

 “Morning Dr Robby,” Perlah called over from the hub.

“Morning Perlah,” he said back as he made his way over to stow his backpack below the desk. “How’s it looking today?”

Perlah shrugged, “Same old, same old. Nothing major really. Shen’s helping relocate a hip, he’ll be out in a minute. Dana’s already around somewhere and I have a bed at home with my name one”
Robby gave a small smile, “go on, get out of here. You did great work tonight, thank you”

“Take care, bub,” she wished, heading out of the ED to pick up her stuff and go home.

 After a moment of scouring the board, an unmistakable, “FRUITCAKE!” was bellowed across the pitt. Robby sighed, shoulders hunching and head dropping.

“Good morning Myrna,” he said in response, only turning around after he’d finished.

“What the hell’ve you done to that husband of yours?” she asked, shuffling herself over in her wheelchair.

“Nothing Myrna, he’ll be in by midday.”

Thankfully, Robby was saved from having to explain the state of his marriage any further as Shen was heading straight for him from trauma two.

“Hey man, you ready to take the wheel? I wanna get outta here”

Robby held out an arm, picking up a tablet with his other hand. “Lead the way Dr Shen”

  As Shen informed Robby on the patients they had with them, he listened dutifully, but keeping half an eye at the hub desk where the residents, interns and med students were gathering for rounds.

“There’s no criticals. I think the worst we’ve got is two folks waiting to go up to the OR. Over half the people are waiting on rooms, I’ve tried to get it so they’re all in south or east rooms. Oh and just a warning, there’s a guy in central six, who really doesn’t like wearing clothes…” he trailed off. “Or controlling his bladder”

Robby’s face scrunched, “delightful. Appreciate the warning on that one”

“You good to go man?” Shen asked

“You know me - always,” Robby replied

“That’s why I’m asking”

Robby scoffed, “go on John, get outta here while you can”
Shen smiled, “alright man, I’ll see you in twelve hours. Look after yourself Robby”

They fist bumped, Shen heading off to grab his stuff from the lockers and Robby back to the hub to pick up his ducklings for the day.

 “Good morning everyone, how’re you all doing today?” Robby greeted the small crowd of doctors and med students waiting for him. The general murmur he got in return summed up the mood of an exhausted group of physicians about as well as anything.

“Dr Collins, you ready?” he asked

Heather’s brow furrowed, “are we not waiting for Langdon?”

“He won’t be in today,” Robby answered, his tone leaving no room for follow up questions. 

 The group went around the department, each of the residents filling Robby in on their patients statuses. Internally, the senior attending was happy. Everyone’s care was excellent, there was very little he needed to question. As they all got back to the hub again, Robby was still nodding.

“Alright,” he began. “We’ve got a lot of folks waiting out in chairs this morning, and over half the department’s taken up with people waiting for a room upstairs. We’re most likely going to need beds in the halls today. Mohan, McKay and Javadi, I want you out in the waiting room - see what you can do out there. Everyone else, do what you need to do around here, let’s try and keep people from having to take up any more beds unnecessarily.”

He clapped his hands, “let’s get to it everybody,” and the group disbanded.

“Dr Mohan, a word before you go please,” Robby called to Samira before she got too far away.

“Is something wrong?” she enquired, it almost ingrained in her to assume the worst.

Robby shook his head, “not with you and not that you need to worry about.” He sighed, scratching his beard. “I don’t know what the rumour mill has been circulating about Langdon, but it’s - unlikely - he’ll be back again for a little while”

Samira nodded along, still uncertain about where her superior was going.

“That means you’re the second most senior resident here, so I’m going to need you to take Langdon’s place when rounding. You know, the interns and med students come to you, you come to me. Does that sound alright?”

Slightly stunned, Mohan nodded more vigorously. She cleared her throat, “Mhm, yes, Dr Robby. I-, yeah, whatever you need me to do. I really am trying to get better at getting through patients quicker, I’m sorry I’m still not up to Langdon’s standards with that”

Robby huffed a sarcastic sounding laugh. “Don’t worry about that, Dr Mohan. Just keep working on it, it’s really an asset that you’re so invested in patient care. But it’s good that you’re starting to see how it can lead to problems. Oh, and also, you’re far above Langdon standards in every other regard”

Mohan’s eyes widened noticeably, “I - wasn’t expecting you to say that… Thank you, Dr Robby,” she said sincerely.

Robby shrugged a little sheepishly. He shrugged, “it came to my attention during my brief - time off - that I’m maybe a little harsh on you Samira. And I’m sorry about that. I’ve been repeatedly informed by our colleagues that you’re the smartest person in this place”

Dr Mohan smiled, her deep, brown eyes lighting up at Robby’s words. “Thank you, Dr Robby. I should go, I don’t want to leave McKay out as the only doctor in chairs”

“Of course, shout if you need a hand,” he said, Samira walking in the opposite direction as he went over to check on Whitaker.

 An hour after Robby had woken up, Jack awoke at the sound of his alarm screaming at him from the nightstand. He groaned, swore at his phone before forcing himself out of bed and turning it off. The stab of pain from his right knee that had made itself a regular part of his wake up was present yet again. Mercifully, it was slightly less intense than the day before, a trend that had been continuing for the previous couple of days.

 Getting ready for the day was a smooth process. Jack got a quick workout in, a simple thirty minutes of press ups, pull ups and sit ups. Jumping in the shower to get cleaned off and ready for his shift, before hopping downstairs to make himself breakfast and to check that Robby had taken his lunch to work with him.

 Jack would admit, when shifts were busy there was very little time to eat. However, his husband went further than that. He’d lost track of how many times he’d been pulled aside by Dana as he came on shift only to be told that all the older man had eaten throughout the day was energy bars he’d swiped from the charge nurse's stash and enough coffee to energise a herd of elephants. 

 One of the clauses in their promise to each other was to take better care of themselves. For Robby, that meant drinking some water throughout the day and eating at least one real meal daily. The pair also agreed to hold each other accountable to the points too. Although, in practice that’d caused some upsets over each man thinking it gave the other the opportunity to incessantly bug the other.

 Having eaten a good breakfast of scrambled eggs and veggies, Jack made his way back to the bedroom. He was going to attempt putting on his back up prosthesis again. Never before had he not worn a prosthetic at work, and the thought of having to do it was a major source of his anxiety for the past week. The first challenge was hauling out from the closet. It turns out lugging a hard shell case out a doorway on one leg, balancing a set of crutches was a pretty good workout in itself.

 Abbot took a steadying breath, blowing it out carefully through pursed lips like he was trying to blow bubbles. He rolled on a liner, the friction against the healing damage on his stump already making him uncomfortable.

“Alright, come on. It’s putting a fuckin’ leg on, get on with it man,” he huffed to himself.

The prosthetic was already more uncomfortable than his everyday leg, hence its status as the backup. As he pushed what remained of the lower right leg into the socket the combination of the friction from the neoprene sleeve and compression from the hard socket already bordered on unbearable.

 But he carried on anyway, until the neoprene was holding the socket in place. 

“Easy part done,” Jack remarked to the empty room.

Picking up his crutches from beside him, Jack got them leaning against his chest and pushed himself up. There was no real change in the amount of pain between being sat down to standing up, but he was still only bearing weight on his left side. Lifting his crutches and putting them in front of him, Jack took a tentative step. 

 Instantly he crumpled to the ground, his head connecting with the dresser on the way down. Grunting out an “oh fuck,” Jack immediately shifted himself so there was no longer weight on his bad leg. He sighed heavily, lying on his back on his bedroom floor. The man was fully aware of how dumb his idea was. Now he had to worry about everyone at work seeing him not only with a bad leg, but also with a minor head injury, both of which were entirely his fault.

 After huffing a couple more times, and a few more minutes wallowing in his own stupidity, Abbot sat up. He carefully removed  his prosthetic again, setting it beside him so it could easily be put back in its case. Removing the liners was a slightly more painful process. They rubbed against the injured, already delicate skin in a way that made the doctor part of Abbot’s brain need to check the state of his wounds. 

 With the use of his crutches and his good leg ‘and Robby likes to tease me for how much energy I put into working out’, he thought - he got up again. There was no pain from his head as he did, another reassuring sign that nothing was badly wrong. He put the backup prosthetic into its case, stowing it back in the closet before doing the final couple things he needed before leaving for work.

 He drove over to PTMC, the commute going smoothly due to the fairly light midday traffic. So what if he was over forty five minutes early for his shift? Jack could almost guarantee he’d need all of that time to return his husband’s blood pressure to an acceptable level. 

 Parking up his truck in his usual spot in staff parking; the back corner of the ground level, barely big enough for his truck and useless for anyone who wanted to get something out of the trunk… or had a passenger, or really didn’t want to breathe when exiting their vehicle. Jack found it didn’t really matter to him, he could stow his stuff on the passenger seat, or just throw it into the bed of his truck. And if there was ever a time when he was driving someone home, he could simply pull out of the space to let them in. 

 It also offered Jack the right amount of seclusion for emergency post-shift naps, where it wouldn’t be safe for him to drive home without it. And, privacy for the rare times things got too much and the roof felt like too much of an opportunity when he was lacking his… better judgement.

 Robby’s morning hadn’t been too bad. The worst was a cyclist side swiped by an angry driver on his way to work and an elderly cardiac arrest brought in from a nursing home. The cyclist had made it up to surgery, the elderly woman unfortunately didn’t make it, she died in the ED with her three children surrounding her bed. He was just about to go and offer counter-traction for Dr King to relocate a shoulder when Dana called out for him across the busy space.

“Robby!” she called out, voice sounding less than calm.

He spun around, calling over Mateo to help Mel in his place. “What is it?” he asked, walking over to her. The moment he rounded the corner, Robby immediately understood why he’d been summoned. Before him stood his husband, on crutches, backpack on his shoulders wearing one of Robby’s hoodies. That was all to be expected. What wasn’t expected, however, was the large red welt on the smaller man’s forehead.

“What the fuck?” Robby muttered under his breath.

Jack spoke up before Robby or Dana could get a word in.

“Before either of you say anythin', I’m fine. No headache, no double vision, no nausea. No signs of concussion at all,” he tried to placate.

“What the fuck?” Robby said again, this time loud enough for both Dana and Jack to hear.

Jack shrugged, “why d’you think I got here forty five minutes early, I knew you both were gonna flap over it”

“You’re damn right we’re gonna flap, what the hell d’you do Jack?” Dana asked, exasperated.

Abbot shrugged again, “nothin’ major, just bit it tryin’ to walk on my prosthetic.”

Robby’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline, “you did what?” he asked, loud enough to turn the heads of several people passing by.

“On your own? You tried not only putting on your prosthetic, your back up prosthetic. You fucking tried walking on it? You really thought it was a good idea to walk on your injured leg, at home, alone?” Robby questioned, astounded at his husband's stupidity.

Jack opened his mouth to defend himself, but was stopped by Dana’s hand on his shoulder and a sharp shake of her head.

“Just don’t, Abbot,” she whispered to him. “Robby, can you go grab a cold pack?” Dana directed to the fretting older man.

Robby huffed and walked off to do as Dana asked, shaking his head as he walked away.

 Dana sighed, “you can’t be doing’ that to ‘im, Jack,” she scolded. “What, was a bum leg not enough for you? Wanted to crack open your damn skull too? You fuckin’ idiot Abbot”

Jack looked appropriately forlorn, “I- I didn’t think”

The nurse fought an aggressive laugh, “you fuckin’ got that right. No, you didn’t think.” She shrugged her shoulders, “what was the rush anyway? It’s been less than a week since you got hurt, you know your stump takes longer to heal, why do you need to be walkin’ again so bad?”

Abbot sighed, “come on Dana, not here. Not when I’m about to start a twelve hour shift”

“Maybe you shoulda thought about that a little earlier, huh?”

 Robby came back, carrying the cold pack he’d been sent off to find and looking back to his base level of stress.

“I’m sorry, Robby,” Jack said, holding onto the other man’s hand. “I didn’t think. I didn’t want to come to work without my leg on, I was selfish,” he explained.

Robby nodded, “I can understand that, Jack. Not here, okay? But we’re talking about this again later. Now, put this on your damn forehead and let me make sure you’re alright,” he instructed.

Jack acquiesced immediately, “Sure. Whatever you need to do. You wanna take this party to the lounge and eat your lunch whilst you do?”

“That’s probably the only good idea you’ve had today,” Robby jested. “Thanks Dana, I’ll be fifteen minutes, tops. You know where to find me if something urgent comes in.”

Dana rolled her eyes, “I’ve got out here, Robby. Take twenty”

 Once the door was closed behind Dana, if looks could kill - Jack Abbot would be no more.

“I just have two questions Jack,”

“I’m -” Abbot tried to interrupt

“And you’re not going to say anything until I’ve asked,” Robby continued as if Jack hadn’t said anything.

“Why do it on your own?” Robby asked first, with Jack opening his mouth to try and answer.

Robby held up his hand, pointing directly at Jack, “not done”

“Did you do - ,” he blew out a breath. “Did you do it to hurt yourself Jack?” he finished, intensely serious.

 Jack narrowed his eyes, brow knitting tight.

“Can I answer now?”

Robby nodded a single time.

“I need to be able to get around normally again. I’m sick of being in the way, being a burden”

“You’re not a burden, Jack. You lost a leg, and were in an accident. You’re allowed to need time to recover”

Jack had to fight with himself to not argue with Robby, his mind screaming that he isn’t allowed time, he has to be the dependable one.

“You haven’t answered my other question yet Jack,” Robby prompted, going over to the fridge to get out his lunch.

 Jack sat in the hard chair, bolt upright and staring straight ahead. His mind worked overtime to dissect what he was feeling, how to explain it to Robby and how not to end up locked in the psych ward. The younger man took a deep breath.

“It wasn't done as a conscious action to hurt myself,” he said flatly.

“What does that mean honey?” Robby asked softly as he began eating his lunch.

“W-when it hurt, that wasn’t enough for me to stop. It’s not that I liked it, like how I used to. But,” he looked down at his lap. “It still felt like I should be hurting.” 

Jack took another breath, “made everything else stop”

“Thank you for answering,” Robby said, unphased by his husband not looking at him. “We’ve got five more minutes until we need to get out there, are you going to be okay if we don’t have this conversation until later?”

“I’ll be okay baby,” he tried to reassure, giving Robby a small smile to help his point.

“We will be talking about it though, okay?” the taller man pressed

“I know. We promised, right?”

“Yeah - we did,” Robby said sadly, a tiny hint of anger in his tone too.

“Sorry Michael”

“None of that okay” Robby reached over the small table, holding Jack’s hand. “You need me to do anything?”

Jack shook his head, “I’m fine, really. I - I didn’t even think of it until you asked you know”

Robby got up from the table, walking to the sink to rinse his tupperware. He was about to reply when Jack spoke again.

“No, I don’t think that’s true either. I thought I deserved to hurt… I’ve been thinking about it more recently, and I hate that. I thought I was past this shit,” Abbot confessed.

Suddenly Jack found himself pulled into Robby’s arms, his head resting against the other man’s stomach.

“I’m sorry baby,” Robby cooed. “You could take more time, you know? Until your leg is better if it’s too much bein’ back without your prosthetic.”

Jack shook his head against Robby.

“No, I’m okay, I am. It’s not an external thing, work isn’t gonna make it worse.”

Robby took his husband at his word.

“Alright then, up and at ‘em soldier. We’ve got people to save”

Jack smiled as he stood from his chair, getting his crutches settled under his arms.

“Lead the way then captain” 

 As soon as he clocked in for the day Abbot jumped into the fray. In fact, he got stuck in again so entirely he was caught off guard by Garcia coming in to help work on an incoming trauma.

“Don’t normally see you at this hour Abbot, jumping right back in with both feet huh?” She joked, earning an instant giggle from Santos beside her and a true Abbot trademark scowl.

“No. You’re not allowed to do that, only Walsh is allowed to give me shit. I can’t have the whole of surgery hating me”

“Aww, but you make it so easy,” Garcia shot back

“I’m not even a dick to you though,” Abbot said faking annoyance

Garcia shrugged, “Walsh talks, what can I say?”

 As the exchange unfolded, Santos and the nurses were grinning foolishly, whilst Samira was dutifully working on cleaning blood from the patients face and debating whether she should get involved and come to Jack’s defense.

Abbot rolled his eyes, “get this guy outta here. He’s not gonna croak in the elevator anymore, so time for you to go do your job”

Garcia mock saluted, “until next time sergeant”

 With Garcia and the patient gone, Jack turned around having removed his gloves to find two very curious pairs of eyes on him. Santos and Mohan were both staring at him a little shocked.

“What?” he shrugged, “all of surgery hate me, I gotta give as good as I get”

“Okay, that’s totally not what I was thinking,” Santos replied.

“You gonna tell me?” Abbot asked

“Why does surgery hate you?”

“They don’t… I don’t think… Well.” Jack narrowed his eyes, thinking. “They don’t like how I do stuff. Plus I was in the army, Walsh was in the Navy; we’re meant to argue”

Santos shrugged, “okay. I’m gonna go find something I can cut,” she said walking out of trauma one.

“SomeONE, Dr Santos. We talked about this,” Jack called after her.

 Abbot walked out of the room shortly after Trinity had left, still being followed by a quiet, but inquisitive looking Dr Mohan.

“You got something you wanna ask, Dr Mohan?”

“No, well yes, but, no. I don’t,” Samira stammered. “Thank you for the coffee”

“You can ask, there’s not many questions I won’t answer,” Jack explained, crutches clicking on the floor as he made his way to the hub to try and get some charting done before he was called away again.

“Are you still in pain?” Mohan asked, her eyes meeting Jacks over the computer screen.

Abbot shrugged, “a little, but it’s not too bad”

“That wasn’t what I wanted to ask you,” she confessed.

“...Okay” 

“Does it bother you? What Walsh says, the teasing, the military stuff?”
“The teasing and Walsh, no. I don’t give a shit about that. I know they don’t mean it, plus I can give it out or tell her to quit it if I need to.”
“But the army stuff does?”
Jack shrugged again, “course it does”

“Sorry,” Samira apologised.

“Don’t sweat it, Samira. I’m in therapy, I take the pills. You do what you do, you know?”

Dr Mohan nodded, “sure. I’ve got lab results to go tell a patient. Thank you again for the coffee, seriously Dr Abbot. Thanks”

“Thank you for helping keepin’ me entertained at home”

 The afternoon and evening passed in a blur of patients. A constant stream of people trickling with different ailments, all with differing levels of severity. Some really didn’t need to be in an ER, Jack wasn’t the only one to notice the quantity of people coming in with the flu thinking they needed antibiotics. There were sick kids with terrified parents, one sick with a parent who didn’t give a shit - that one hurt a lot more to witness. Broken bones, overdoses, heart attacks, strokes, mystery illnesses that were a fun diagnostic adventure for the residents. 

 And there were deaths. There were always deaths in the pitt, came with the territory. Whitaker took Jack by surprise at around 19:30. Robby was still working, he had one patient left to discharge and then a day's worth of charting to finish. Abbot had just spent the last forty five minutes coding a thirty nine year old woman who’d been in a car accident. She was beyond drunk, floored her car through a store front. Thankfully, the store was closed and no one was inside. Jack recognised her, she was a frequent flyer for his night shift, coming in a few times a month having passed out drunk somewhere nearby. That wasn’t what surprised him. Robby had said there was something good about the kid, and Jack had to agree. He was a hard worker, diligent, and paid close attention to whatever he was being taught. Sure, he was a little clumsy, didn’t quite have his legs under him yet, but Jack could see what his husband meant.

 Abbot had just called it. The room sighed collectively, a defeated noise that always followed when a patient died. Staff were drifting out of the room, having to move on to the next person they could save. That was when Whitaker spoke up.

“Does it ever stop feeling like this?” he asked quietly

Jack was stunned for a moment, considering his words carefully. “Not really. It just - changes”

“Dr Robby said on my first day here you learn to live with it, learn to accept it and find balance if you can.”

Jack chuckled as soon as Dennis started reciting what Robby told him. 

“Then he said he hasn’t found balance, have you?” Whitaker asked, his sad eyes looking right at Jack.

“Sometimes,” Abbot shrugged. “You work on it though, everyday. Some days are better than others, some cases are harder, some days are just shit - that’s when you do what we don’t”

“What’s that?” Whitaker inquired

“You talk to people, lean on ‘em, let someone else take the weight for a while. You don’t do it alone, Whitaker, okay? You do it alone and you’ll end up like me. Trust me, you don’t want that”

“Why don’t you lean on people?” Dennis asked, with the innocence of being a med student and having grown up in the arse crack of nowhere.

Jack shook his head, laughing a self-deprecating laugh. “Your shift was over thirty minutes ago kid, I’ve got five hours still to go, that story takes way more time than either of us have”

Whitaker looked confused, “but - you’d tell it to me?” he asked, hesitantly.

Abbot shrugged, “you’d wanna hear it?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I think I would”

“Some other time then kid. I’ll tell you the story, okay?” Jack said, sticking out his hand for Dennis to shake.

“Okay”

Jack jerked his head towards the door, “now get the fuck outta here kid. Go sleep in your own bed, get ready to trudge back and do the whole thing over again tomorrow”

Dennis nodded, trying to hide his true reaction from his boss. “Thank you Dr Abbot”

“It’s nothin’ kid. If you need anything, and for whatever reason don’t have anyone else to go to, I’m here alright,” Jack said, patting Dennis’ shoulder as the two left the trauma room.

“Goodnight Dr Abbot”

“Night Whittaker”

 Finally, at around 21:15, after the third time finding Robby ‘resting his eyes’ at his computer, Jack forced the exhausted man into a bed in the on-call room. He left as quietly as a man on crutches could, kissing Robby on the forehead, making sure he was tucked up warm in the tiny cot and whispering that he’d be back when he could take him home. Not that Robby was aware of any of what Abbot had done, he was dead to the world the minute his head hit the thin pillow.

 A string of traumas started coming in at 22:00. It started with two guys in a bar fight that devolved when one man broke a beer bottle over the other's head. Jack ended up with the guy who was worse off. The patient wasn’t conscious, had a nasty scalp laceration that extended down over his eye.

Administering a sternal rub Jack informed the others, “responds to painful stimuli, how’re his pupils?”

Ellis replied, “left one’s a little slow, but both equal and reactive. It’s hard to see through all the blood, but there’s gotta be some damage done”

“Yeah, we gotta get an ophthalmology consult. Let me check the scalp,” he said, trying to walk to the head of the gurney. He hopped along, using the bed to support himself.

“Sorry, excuse me,” he apologised to the nurses trying to work as he moved.

“Can’t you go round?” one of the substitute nurses down for the night asked.

“Dude, look down,” Parker scoffed.

The temporary nurse looked like her stomach was now in her feet, making Jack reach over to fist bump Dr Ellis as sneakily as he could.

Abbot shook his head, “no, I can’t go round,” he tacked on smugly.

“This is still bleeding. Donnie, can you hand me a pressure dressing?” Abbot requested

“Pressure dressing,” Donnie echoed, offering the opened package right in front of Jack’s hand.

“Alright, let’s let that do it’s job. Keep checking to make sure the bleeding stops then this guy’s gonna need a whole lot of stitches. Have we got an id and someone to notify yet?”

“There was a wallet in his pants pocket,” Donahue said. “Not had time to check it yet”

Abbot nodded, “okay, someone get on that whilst this guys in CT. Hopefully there’ll be someone down to consult when he’s back. I need to go check on Shen… and everyone else actually. Can somebody hand me my crutches?”

 Jack managed to stick his head into the other trauma room and check in with McKay and Santos before paramedics were coming through the doors with a guy he could tell just by looking at him was having a stroke.

“Alright, let’s get this guy to trauma one. Hit me with it on the way,” he instructed the paramedics.

“This is Jeremy McDonald, 74, his wife came back from the bathroom to find him in bed unable to move and talk with noticeable right sided facial drooping and weakness.”

“Okay, let’s get him transferred and get the TPA set up. We got any reason he can’t have it?”

“No, wife says he doesn’t take anything, walks five miles a day, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink,” the paramedic answered.

“Healthy guy,” Kim remarked.

“Apart from the stroke,” the paramedic quipped back.

“On my count,” Jack said, ignoring the paramedic's comment. “One, two, three. Thanks guys, stay safe for the rest of your shift”

“Always a pleasure Dr Abbot”

 The stroke patient was given TPA and taken up to neurology. Jack was about four and a half patients behind on his charting and his leg was aching. He had less than an hour left on his shift, and was hoping he could remain seated for the remaining time, Shen was in charge anyway. That hope lasted all over twenty minutes. Donahue was waving furiously to get Jack’s attention when he was on the phone at the hub desk; the spot that, during the day, was almost always taken by Dana.

“We got two cops and a paramedic shot in a robbery gone wrong, five minutes out,” Donnie relayed.

“How bad?”

“Semi-automatic”

“Fuck, what about the shooter?”

Donnie shrugged, talking down the phone still.

“Alright,” Abbot sighed, walking away to find as many people as possible.

 “Shen!” he bellowed, turning other heads as he did. The other attending’s head appeared from behind the curtain on Central 9.

“Three GSW’s incoming, two cops and a paramedic. You take the paramedic, I’ve got the cops with Mohan. Jesse, page surgery. Kim, call the blood bank to get us more O-neg. Are the trauma rooms ready?”

“Yeah, they’re clean,” John answered.

Jack nodded, “you take the paramedic to one, grab McKay. Where is Dr Mohan?”

“She’s in the bathroom!” McKay called over from where she was getting a gown on.

“Santos!” Abbot hollered

“Yes sir?” She called back from where she was hovering nearby, hoping to be needed.

“Get Mohan from the bathroom then get your asses back here ASAP, you’re with me”
“Surgery’s coming,” Jesse called

Shen walked over to Jack, handing him a gown to put on.

“Sorry man,” Abbot apologised. “I kinda took over”

With his usual entirely unbothered tone, John shrugged. “You kidding man? I’m glad you’re here to be honest. You gonna be ok?”

“Fuck knows, I gotta be though, don’t I?”

“I guess. Just don’t make your leg worse, we need you here”

Jack smiled, as he walked with John out to the ambulance bay. “Careful man, almost sounded like you enjoy havin’ me around there”

Shen shook his head, “nah, your hearing’s getting bad in your old age”

“Jackass,” Abbot said back, shaking his head at the younger man’s nerve.

 Both men fell into silence as the sound of sirens in the distance got closer and louder. They were joined by the other three doctors after a moment.

“Everybody ok?” Jack checked in, acutely aware of the chance for everyone being reminded of PittFest. “It’s perfectly understandable that we’ve all got feelings about this, but we’ve got three people to help. One of them is one of ours. I need you all focussed. Have your feelings later, come find me if you need. We’ll do a debrief after whatever’s about to happen has happened.”

The ambulances were pulling up as Jack finished, “alright guys, let’s do this,” he said, hopping over to the first ambulance as the doors were thrown open.

 Everything was a blur of motion from the second the first patient was unloaded. Information was being relayed rapid fire. The first ambulance was the paramedic, the same one that had brought in the stroke victim earlier. His partner was waiting in the rig as he went to grab coffee.

“I didn’t know anything was wrong until I heard the shots,” he murmured over and over to no one in particular. He followed Shen and the gurney into trauma two, still mumbling as he went.

 The second and third ambulances opened simultaneously.

“Samira, take that one,” Jack instructed to the furthest ambulance. 

“What’ve we got?” he asked the paramedics, Mohan doing the same just a few feet away.

“Officer Liu, one shot in the chest, one in the thigh. No pulse, intubated on route, CPR in progress when we got on scene. He’s been down thirteen minutes with us, don’t know how long he was down before,” the paramedic relayed.

“Let’s get him inside. Jump on top, we’ll take over CPR when we’re in, okay? Mohan, trauma one, we’re going to behavioural 2. It’s set up, right?”

From somewhere behind him came a “yeah, all set Abbot,” someone called.

“Get in, get in, go!” Abbot urged. “Don’t wait for me, Jesse take over compressions”

 Jack hurried along as closely behind as he could on crutches. He knew it was nearly the end of his shift, his hips, back and good leg were beginning to hurt.

“Thanks guys,” he said quickly to the paramedics who passed him on his way in. “Set up a FAST scan, Santos prep for a chest tube, get a fresh pressure dressing on that thigh,” Abbot shouted from just outside the room.

 After an exhausting, frantic thirty five minutes - that to the untrained eye was just chaos - all three patients were stabilised and either in scans or surgery. Abbot was spent, more so than he had been after a shift in a while. 

“Great work everyone,” he praised, letting the hardened Abbot mask slip for a moment. “Remember, lean on your people if you need help with your feelings. I was off thirty minutes ago, so good luck for the rest of the night”

Following a chorus of “Goodbye Dr Abbot’s”, Jack collected his bag from under the hub desk and slowly made his way to the on-call room to collect his husband.

 Sighing heavily in an attempt to quell the constant throbbing from his lower body, he walked his way over. He let himself in as quietly as he could, not wanting to startle the other man awake with a loud clatter of his crutches, bag and self hitting the door. Standing at the head of the small bed, Jack whispered his husband's name trying to wake him up. He reached down with one hand, carding his fingers through Robby’s soft, brown hair.

“Robby? Sweetheart?” he murmured, slightly above whispering volume.

Getting nothing in response, Jack tried a little louder. “Come on Robby, it’s Jack. Can you wake up for me so I can take you home?”

Robby grumbled in his sleep, shifting in a feeble attempt to remove the shorter man’s hand from his head.

Jack sighed, “Robby!” he snapped, objectively at speaking volume.

 The other man snorted and startled awake.

“Wha’ happened?” he asked.

“Nothing honey,” Jack cooed. “I just couldn’t wake you up. I’m done for the night, you wanna go home?”

“How was your shift?” Robby checked in.

“Ah, you know. The usual,” Jack gave as a non-answer. “Let’s go home, yeah?” he tried to prompt again.

Robby’s brow furrowed, “what aren’t you tellin’ me, Jack?”

“I fuckin’ hurt man!” he confessed. “I wanna get home so I can take somethin’ and pass out on my old man pillows ”

“You know you don’t have to call them that anymore, Jake is seventeen now”

“Whatever,” Jack shrugged. “I’ll call ‘em anythin’. I just know they stop my legs and hips hurt less. So - can we go?”

Robby nodded, “course we can. Come on baby, let me take your bag”

Jack smiled, “thank you sweety”

 Leaving the pitt together was such an unusual experience for both men, Robby normally exiting when Jack arrived. It still held a novelty even after having worked together for about a decade. Robby, tired himself from being woken up in the middle of the night, a time he very much liked to spend not conscious, saw how much Jack was lugging himself along as they neared his truck.

“You good to drive?” Robby inquired.

Jack nodded. “Mhm. My brain’s fine, just my body that’s tired”

“Good, I can’t drive your truck anyway”

“I know,” Jack said back sarcastically. “Surely it’d be easier though? You need less feet”

“Yeah, well. I’m used to driving using my feet, it’s weird just with my hands”

“Fair enough. Now, get in,” Jack said, already clambering himself and his crutches in.

“Yes Cap’n” Robby mock saluted.

Jack shook his head, “just - don’t. Please. Not tonight. The kids were weirdly askin’ about it, and Walsh and Garcia were…”

“Walsh and Garcia?” Robby finished, earning a nod and a scoff from his husband.

Robby nodded in understanding. “Alright baby. Let’s get outta here,” he said sweetly, leaning over the centre console to press a kiss to Jack’s temple.

“That - is the best idea you’ve had today,” Jack agreed, leaning over again to give his husband a much needed, deep kiss.

“I love you Jack,” Robby said gently once they parted.

“I love you too Mike”