Chapter Text
Nilou tosses a stack of paperwork toward where Kaveh and Alhaitham sit side-by-side at the screenwriting table. Her rainbow bucket hat with the word FUN! on it casts a shadow over her early Monday morning glare. Behind her, lightning flashes across the window streaked with raindrops. “Right, what’s all this, then?”
Kaveh grips harder onto his large black coffee sans Sriracha as he fans out the paperwork. The first few pages are printed emails from parents. Unprofessional and quitting jump out first. The next few pages are news articles.
Kidneeto’s Reputation Tanks After Fight Between Immature Leads
Drama Backstage for Greenlit Merry Mystical Multidimensional Music Show
Kidneeto Actors Choke Each Other Out
Kaveh sinks back in his chair, his heart following suit. His younger self often daydreamed about his name hitting headlines for the first time. Turning into an audience favorite on a show overnight was his guess since, obviously, droves would race to make fan art and fancams the moment he’d air. How wrong his younger self always was.
“We didn’t choke each other out,” Kaveh mutters.
Nilou lifts a printed email with attached grayscale photos. The first is of Alhaitham and Kaveh about to wring each other’s necks in Greenscreen Studio A. Next is Kaveh shaking a crying girl off his leg. The angle makes it look like he’s kicking her. Even though his face is totally visible, unlike Alhaitham, his debut episode and credits have yet to go up. There’s a chance his first and last name haven’t been hunted down and reported.
Either way, his agent will know, and that has panic brewing in Kaveh’s chest. Maybe she’s drafting a separation email. Maybe she’s told every producer and director and scriptwriter to avoid casting him henceforth at all costs. His headshot is being mounted on every studio wall with a bloody X over his face to exile him from the industry.
Alhaitham tosses a nonchalant hand at the grayscale photos. “For once, Tuba is right. It only looks like we’re fighting. We were just talking.”
Kaveh furrows a brow at the blatant lie. No way is Alhaitham as calm about this as he appears, either. A rare five o’clock shadow hides most of the freckles on his tan face, and he has deep eye bags, too, proving he didn’t sleep. Always the actor.
Nilou sighs, dropping into a seat across from them with so much force that her bob cut bounces around her ears. “Alhaitham, even if that’s true—which I doubt—you know better than anyone that the news doesn’t care about reporting the truth. Who started it?”
Alhaitham and Kaveh race to point at one another.
“Stop being children and tell me what happened!”
“Does it even matter if you’re just going to fire us?” Alhaitham mutters.
Kaveh, at least, is definitely fired. In these photos, he looks like the villain. If his name is ever found out, he might never land another show.
Which means he has to fight back more than ever. Negotiate. Anything.
“Nilou," Kaveh pleads, "tell me what I can do. I’ll—”
“We’re not firing you two,” Nilou says.
It takes a second to sink in, and for Kaveh’s panic to stop vibrating inside of him. He leans toward Nilou across the table in a burst of relief, and so rapidly that the remaining black coffee in his cup spills. He scrambles to pick the cup back up. “Thank you so much. Truly, this is so kind of you—”
“I’m not doing this out of the kindness of my heart! I have to.”
His relief subsides as quickly as it came. His grip on the cup freezes. “Why?”
“Because you’ve both tanked our image!”
Lightning cracks beyond the window again.
Kaveh jumps, knocking Alhaitham’s cup of milkier iced coffee this time, and it dribbles onto Alhaitham’s slacks. Kaveh instinctively reaches a hand in that direction, then pulls back, heat rising to his face. “Sorry.”
Alhaitham stares at his splotched crotch in silence. Since he’s not in his magician costume yet, it feels like they’re casually hanging outside of work hours again, flooding Kaveh with unspoken discomfort. Although the discomfort toward Alhaitham would exist regardless.
By the time Kaveh focuses away from Alhaitham’s crotch and back on Nilou, she’s crossing her arms. “Especially you, Kaveh.”
“Me?” Kaveh repeats.
“Alhaitham was only fighting with you, but you looked like you were fighting the kids. News involving kids is the worst possible news.”
A gazillion magician wands stab Kaveh’s heart. “Why aren’t you firing me then?”
“Firing you would only send the message that we knowingly did something wrong,” Nilou says. “We can’t afford that right now. So many wild allegations are already floating around that our first episode ratings are plummeting.”
“They’re what?” Alhaitham asks, whipping out his phone and loading a Kidneeto app he didn’t know existed—a bolded KID beside a standard NEETO with a background so bright-yellow that it physically pains Kaveh’s eyes.
Kaveh leans over his shoulder. The two briefly share a tense look before reading the review section together.
Sucks
xoxoRkja69 One hour ago
The actors are mean and weird and just...NO. my brother cried when he saw photos of the magician getting beat up. I saw one of their next eps airs on dec 25 of all days? GREAT WAY TO SPEND CHRISMAS.
Age 18+ Apparently.
HappygoLuckyee Two hours ago
I am a proud mother to 3 kids. I am horrified as a parent hearing about the illegal scandals when kids are involved
Kidneeto? KidneetNO
Minions4Lyfe Less than one hour ago
Kidneeto should be ashamed to be airing this mystery magical whatever the crap knowing their adult actors are so VIOLENT around kid actors!!
Kaveh pulls himself away from the phone. Even if social media relies on unnuanced takes to fan impression counts, that’s hard to remember when hate brings a dedication to digging into someone’s private life that Kaveh, of all people, needs to avoid. It’s a problem he assumed he’d face someday—one that would force him to go back and verify no legal documents or past pictures slipped through the cracks.
But now, here, at the start of his first real role?
His palms start to sweat. He wipes them on his pants. “These people are stretching everything,” he says to keep calm. Most likely, the minimal watchers of Kidneeto don’t have the drive to uncover Kaveh’s past. If anybody, it’d be out-of-control Alhaitham stans, and they still have no clue Alhaitham is involved. “Those kids barely saw anything. Right, Alhaitham?”
Alhaitham is too focused on the reviews to respond. His grip is so tense on his phone that the veins in his hand are popped.
“Alhaitham?” Kaveh repeats.
“Is there a way to get rid of this?” Alhaitham says so quickly that Kaveh barely processes it.
“The reviews?”
“No, global warming. Yes, the reviews.”
“They don’t understand the real situation, though,” Kaveh says slowly. “It’s lies.”
That loosens Alhaitham’s shoulders. He even sets his phone down, but not without funneling his remaining anxiety into instinctively patting where he keeps his Marlboros, inhis slacks pocket. In the end, he settles on clutching his kneecap. “Right. I don’t care.”
Nilou picks up a few printed emails and slaps Alhaitham over the head with them. “You should care! Do you know how impossible it is to bounce back from this many one-stars after a single episode? Similar reviews are popping up on all types of review sites. Our head is furious. We already met to brainstorm how to save our reputation this morning. Five. I’ve been here since five because of this.”
“What did she say?” Alhaitham grumbles toward the tabletop, tensing all over again.
“New scripts. More importantly, new plot.”
“How will that help?”
“You two need to get along. Stat. Especially to the public eye. We’re changing the dynamic between you two on the show to really sell it.”
Kaveh’s heart drops into his Converse. Granted, if he isn’t getting fired, and his name will be released the moment episode three airs, then his image would need major fixes by then. This, however, doesn’t sound thrilling. “In what way?”
“I rewrote Twiggy Tuba’s character. Kaveh, you’re no longer the Merry Mystical Multifaceted Music Magician’s nemesis. Now, you grow to admire him, apologize for your past evil deeds, and ask to become his trusty sidekick. Really, you beg.”
Another thunderstrike flashes across the window.
“What?” The word falls out from under Kaveh.
“I’m not being buddy-buddy with Tuba,” Alhaitham says, his mouth twisted in disgust.
“You don’t have a choice,” Nilou says. “I already finished the rewrite. We aren’t allowed to screw up today. Our head wants this to air by Christmas, and there are only ten days until then. You two have one hour to memorize your new lines, got that?”
⛤
A twiggy, brassy sound cue plays through Greenscreen Studio A.
Kaveh jumps in front of the cameras to capture every pathetic inch of his skinny tuba body.
“You, there!” Alhaitham shouts in an Australian accent, lifting his magical conducting wand. “You aren’t our friend Triangle!”
“No,” Kaveh shouts back. “I am here to take away your orchestra for myself with my super blowing powers! Honk, honk.”
Like the past week, Alhaitham goes into battle position. “Your super blowing powers sound weak. You are no tuba. You are a twiggy tuba.”
“Of course, I am twiggy!”
“You’re too small. Too frail. Look at you!”
“It’s because I belong in an orchestra,” Kaveh recites. “Brass instruments like me do. Once I snatch your orchestra for myself, my ability to go deeper will return to me.”
Something new plays from the speakers. The frailest tuba squeal Kaveh has heard so far, cueing him to follow his new blocking as of this morning.
Kaveh sincerely does not want to. But more so, he doesn’t want to get fired. So, he races to tackle Alhaitham, purposely misses him by a foot, and rams into the wall. His head knocks around the inside of his mascot head like a pinball, and he only sees white for a second.
Nilou cheers over by the cameras. “Excellent! In post, we’ll add Alhaitham’s teleportation ability. Now, Alhaitham, stand on the opposite side of the greenscreen. Action!”
By the waiting line, Tighnari flips on a backstage high-velocity fan.
Alhaitham’s suitcoat flutters behind him as he puffs his chest and shoves fists on his corset-wrapped hips. “Ha, ha, ha! You thought you could attack me? I’m the Merry Mystical Multidimensional Music Magician.”
Kaveh can barely see straight, but he’s unfortunately conscious enough to remember his next blocking direction. His costume tubes knock against one another as he gets down on all fours, and he crawls toward Alhaitham until he can make out his curly-tipped shoes. “I’m sorry, Merry Mystical Multifaceted Music Magician,” Kaveh recites through clenched teeth. “I don’t hate you. I’m jealous of you.”
“Why are you jealous of me?” Alhaitham asks. Even though Kaveh’s gaze is glued to Alhaitham’s feet, he can sense the newly written dialogue spoken with a smirk.
“You have a totally tubular orchestra. Something I could never have!”
“You could’ve joined my orchestra in my mystical, magical mansion.”
“Can I still?”
“After trying to fight me?” Alhaitham laughs deeply again. “No.”
Kaveh needs to take another deep breath before reciting the next line. He looks up at Alhaitham through his blurry vision ports. “Please, I’ll do anything. I admire you so much.” Another deep breath. “Honk, honk.”
The exact smirk Kaveh imagined earlier radiates off Alhaitham. “I’ll need an apology.”
As their eyes remain locked in front of the cameras, Kaveh decides he would rather get shredded by a merry magical meat grinder. But, as always, he has to. He intertwines his hands together. “I’m sorry, Magician. I want you to blow me.”
Alhaitham takes a purposeful, dramatic pause, forcing Kaveh to kneel in that silence and let the words hang in the air. Motherfucking asshole. “You truly wish to leave behind a life of evil, after all. Fine, I’ll let you join my orchestra.”
“Thank you, Merry Mystical Multidimensional Musi—!"
“On one condition. Twiggy Tuba, you come from the underworld of evil instruments. You must know of many others.”
“I do.”
“From now on, you’ll be my sidekick, Twiggy Tuba. Once we bring them into my orchestra, I’ll turn you into a Tumultuous Tuba in my mansion, where my mystical magic power resides. And I shall do that by blowing you!”
The music note kids cheer and sing.
“Merry Mystical Multidimensional Music Magician, a forte star! Twiggy Tuba, a pianissimo sidekick! They do good things!”
“That’s a wryah—uap,” Nilou announces. Her voice warbles as a tear streaks her cheek. “Brilliant. This relationship between you two evokes the same as Macbeth and his lady.”
The weight of Kaveh’s costume makes him struggle to rise from his begging position. Alhaitham watches him through his feathery peacock mask, not offering even a pinky.
Like Kaveh would hold that hand regardless. He’s not thinking about holding Alhaitham’s hand. “You think that’ll fix the ratings?” he asks once he’s up.
“Hopefully,” Nilou says, wiping her eye with her sleeve. “But we won’t know until this episode airs. Everyone, pray we still have a show by next week.”