Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Steve could faintly hear the alarm clock ring in his dream. It almost felt like the alarm was on the other side of another universe, trying to pull him back to reality. He didn’t want to leave his dream so he unconsciously hit the snooze button. After the third time, the smell of coffee finally brought him back to reality.

“Oh shit!” He said to himself as he jumped up from bed and ran to his wardrobe to get dressed. Trying to tie his tie as quickly as possible he ran out his room and into the kitchen, where his roommate Sam already held out Steve’s coffee for him.

“You’re going to be really late for that apartment you were supposed to show today if you don’t move your ass, Rogers,” he said, mockingly, not even looking up from the newspaper he was reading. Steve gladly took the coffee and chugged it before running out the door. The moment he was outside the door he realised he had forgotten his briefcase and his keys, so he quickly ran back inside, but thankfully Sam was used to Steve’s morning rushes and already held out what he needed.

“Thanks, Sam” Steve called out before running to his car, not hearing what Sam replied but he was sure it was another sarcastic comment about Steve’s morning rushes.

The apartment he had to show was in Westminster Road in Brooklyn, thankfully not too far away from where he lived. Nevertheless, it took him about fifteen minutes to get through the morning traffic and the potential tenants were already there when he arrived. He showed them the apartment and the couple asked the basic questions on the building, how old it was and how much the rent was, at which they reacted quite negatively even though this is a three-room apartment in Brooklyn, what the hell did they expect? Trying to keep his friendliest real estate agent face on, he answered the other questions even though he knew they weren’t going to make an offer.

After the showing was over, Steve watched the couple drive away and looked at his watch. He noticed he still had over an hour before his next meeting at the office. He saw a coffee shop near where he was parked, so he decided to go grab a coffee and go over his notes before heading back to the office. Inside, the café smelled of coffee and delicious baked goods. It had a very hipster-y vibe to it but the decor was quite old school and there was a little bookshelf in the corner, Steve would definitely remember this place. The coffee shop was more or less empty, except for the barista and a couple of teenage girls whispering to each other. Steve went up to the counter to order. He was not going to lie, the barista was… very attractive. He had shoulder-length brown hair that almost looked like it was glowing in the morning sun. And his eyes. His eyes were this ocean blue that you could just get lost in for days.

“What can I get ya?” The barista asked, whose name tag told Steve he was called James. He mentally shook himself back to reality, hoping James didn’t notice his staring.

“I’ll just have a cappuccino and one of those croissants, please,” Steve said with a hasty smile, pointing to one of the pastries on display. He tried not to blush when James answered “Comin’ right up. You can sit down I’ll bring it to you.” He had that thick Brooklyn accent that Steve could just die for.

When his order was done, Steve thanked him and went to work. After about ten minutes, the girls left, leaving Steve alone with James. He wanted to say something because damn that man was attractive. And if he wasn’t mistaken, Steve could have sworn he noticed James blushing when he brought the cup and the plate back to the counter, which James gladly took. Steve was about to say something when another man walked up to the counter, seemingly in a rush, so Steve went outside to his car.

After a long day at work, Steve met up with some college friends for a drink at the Commodore, some fancy bar Tony swore had the best bar food Brooklyn had to offer. They sat in a booth in the corner of the (really crowded) bar and ordered some drinks. Bruce was talking about his now third Ph.D. he was working on and Steve secretly wondered why he needed so many but nodded along to the scientific mumbo-jumbo he and Tony were so passionate about. He was happy for them both, but he truly had no clue what they were talking about.

“By the way, I have some exciting news”, Tony said after the science talk had died down. His eyes lit up as he proceeded. “Last week, I proposed to Pepper and she said yes! Or, well, she almost proposed to me because I was taking too long, I guess” Tony laughed and Steve pulled him into a hug.

“Congratulations, man!” Bruce exclaimed as he high-fived Tony. Steve was incredibly happy for Tony. He didn’t have the easiest time in college and Pepper really helped him through some rough stuff. Tony talked about the wedding and asked Steve and Bruce to be his groomsmen, which both men gladly accepted. The position of best man was already taken by Rhodey, which was fine by Steve because he did not want to plan a Stark wedding, let alone a Stark bachelor party.

“So Steve, how’s your love life? How’s Peggy doing?” Tony asked, looking genuinely interested.

“Oh uhm… Peggy and I broke up. But it’s fine. I mean it isn’t fine, I really miss her but it was what was best for both of us. She was really busy with her job and so am I so we decided to break up.” Both men looked at him with concern.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Steve. I’m sure the right girl is out there somewhere. Or guy! Who knows?” Bruce said, trying to comfort Steve. He didn’t really mind to be honest. He knew it was the best thing to do, especially for Peggy. She had finally gotten her dream job as a detective and she didn’t want to mess it up. And Steve understood, it’s hard to gain respect in those fields as a woman, which really angered Steve because Peggy was darn good at her job. The fact that Bruce brought up the fact that a girl “or guy” is out there somewhere made Steve think about James again. Dear God, he was pretty. Steve had to go back to that café again. He seemed like the kind of person Steve would get along with. Or was that just wishful thinking? He mentally shook himself. This wasn’t the time to be a hopeless romantic. His friend was getting married and that was the most important thing right now.

Chapter Text

Bucky woke up to yelling. That in itself wasn’t a surprise, unfortunately. He didn’t know what his asshole of a roommate was yelling about, and quite frankly, he didn’t care either. What he did care about was the fact that he woke up. Because of yelling. For the third time this week. On his free day. Fuck Rumlow.

“I need to move out,” he mumbled into his pillow and blindly groped around for his phone.

I need to move out, he texted his best friend Nat, or at least he hoped that whatever he’d typed somewhat resembled the sentiment. Then be buried his head in his pillow again and prayed for Rumlow to leave. Or die, at that point he didn’t care much anymore. God, how had he ever thought that the guy was nice. Pretty face with an asshole behaviour, fucking Rumlow.

After half an hour, the yelling stopped and Rumlow slammed the door shut on his way out. You know, just in case Bucky wasn’t awake yet. He tried to fall asleep for another twenty minutes, before he gave up and got up, zombie walking straight into the shower.

By the time he got out again, Nat had answered.

Yes

Let’s do that

Rumlow is an asshole

And I need to find a new apt

Bucky frowned. Sure, him and Nat had talked about maybe moving in together, both of them not happy with their current living situation. But that sounded a lot more definitive that he thought it was.

Why?

Bc my landlord is a dick

Okay, that answered some questions. Maybe.

Okay. Lets start looking

Yes

He spent the next couple of hours on his laptop, getting more and more frustrated with himself and the world. Why was it so hard to find a decent apartment that didn’t cost an arm and a leg? He only had one real arm to spare and he’d honestly would prefer if he got to keep that one. Ugh, this sucked.

Eventually, he gave up, got dressed and left the apartment. Better to be out when Rumlow came back anyway, the guy was in a mood lately. But then again, when was he not?

He spent some time just walking around the city, contemplating the merits of getting a dog, or a gym subscription. Of just a life in general, holy fuck. He really had no idea what he was doing, whoever decided that people were adults at 18 was lying. Ever since the accident he was drifting, not knowing what else to do, not wanting to do anything, really. Working at the coffee shop was good, it was easy and fun, most days, even with only one working arm. But it wasn’t really the end of it, he didn’t want to get stuck making coffee for the rest of his life. Even though sometimes the customers were really cute.

Bucky snorted. He wasn’t really surprised to find himself thinking about the cute guy that had come in yesterday, even though he would never admit it out loud. But yeah, the guy had been hot, okay? Blond and beefy, but in a really- well, cute way. Pretty, too. Bucky hadn’t had a chance to talk to him, because the guy had spent his time going over some notes, looking all professional and serious. His smile had been nice, though. Ah well, he had never seen the man before, so it wasn’t as if he would ever show up again, probably. And even if he came back, it’s not as if anyone would be interested in him. Definitely not mister “I’m the perfect american beefcake”. Ugh, he needed something to do, or else he’d spend the rest of the day wallowing in self pity.

It only took a couple of minutes for Nat to prove again that she was a freaking mind reader, because she texted him: Strength training sucks, come keep me company. He contemplated buying some pastries or something just to piss her off, but that was probably not a good idea. She’d definitely steal one, and with the next shows starting so soon, that was probably not a good idea. He did buy some lunch for himself though, because showing up with a rumbling stomach would annoy her too (and probably make her worry, which was not something he wanted to do).

Nat was indeed doing strength exercises when he arrived at the studio. He pressed a kiss into her hair, not bothered by how sweaty she was and then sat down on the floor next to her, stretching his legs out.

“So, what happened with your landlord?” he asked after a moment. She huffed, finished her repetitions and then relaxed for a moment.

“He’s a dick,” she said, as if that answered the question.

“Yeah, so you said. Why?”

“Does it matter?”

“If he’s being a dick to you, yeah it does.” She huffed again.

“Not to me, personally. I just don’t like him. And I want you to move out.” Yeah, why did that not surprise him?

“So, your landlord is not the problem, you’re just saying that because you wanna push me to move out.”

“Don’t you want to?”

“I do, but that’s not the problem, here.”

“I see no problem.”

“Of course you don’t, brat,” he grumbled, kicking her lightly in the shin. She kicked back. Ow.

“Look, point is, I can take care of myself. You don’t need to leave your apartment just to move in with me.” Nat stared at him. She did that a lot, so he was mostly used to it, but it was still kinda creepy.

“I want to move in with you,” she said. He raised a single eyebrow. She stared some more.

“Okay.” She smiled at him, as if to say that she was proud of him for making the right decision, then went back to her workout.

Nat had always been very protective of him, even though he was two years older that she was. They knew each other for almost twenty years now, having met as kids in ballet class. They moved through the ranks together, often dancing together as partners, before- well, before the accident happened. She had often been the only person he could trust, especially as a teenager. Bucky wasn’t exactly known for making good choices, but his friendship with Nat counted among the few things that he had never, ever regretted. So yeah, maybe moving in together did make sense.

The next day, he was for once not woken up by Rumlow’s yelling, but that only meant that he had the early shift at work, which was no fun either. He dragged himself out of bed and into the shower, before he made his way through the few early risers that were already up, and into the subway. Ugh, that apartment had better be somewhere close to work.

But maybe he’d been to harsh on his morning. Because the first morning rush was just beginning to die down when Mr. American Beefcake pushed made his way into the coffee shop. Yeah, this morning was definitely starting to look a lot better.

Chapter Text

Steve woke up surprisingly early for once, even before his first alarm, which has probably never happened before. He checked his schedule as he waited for the coffee to brew. He had to show an apartment about three blocks away from that café he was in the other day. What was it called? Milk and Honey? Yeah that’s the one. The one with the pretty barista. No scratch that, the barista was really hot. He apparently looked really happy because Sam came out of his bedroom and looked expectantly at Steve.

“You in love again, Rogers? Who’s the lucky person this time?” Sam joked, remembering Steve in college, having a crush on every person that was nice to him. Steve shook his head but was still smiling.

“Nah, I’m just looking at my schedule, and it’s packed. I freaking love work.”, Steve said, half jokingly, even though he genuinely enjoyed his job. Today was going to be a long day, though. No visiting the hot barista today.

“Watch your language!” Sam said at Steve’s last remark. He hated that, only because Steve had once told Sam that when he said “fuck”. Steve could swear, he just didn’t like it, his mother raised him to not swear and he stood by it.

Just as Steve was about to leave for his first apartment showing, his phone dinged. It was an email from the people he was supposed to meet in half an hour:

Dear Mr. Rogers,

I know it’s very short notice, but something personal has come up and we are unable to make it to today’s 9am viewing of the apartment. Would you mind rescheduling to same time next week?

Many apologies and thank you for understanding.

Biting back a smile, Steve sent an email back to them and walked out the door. He could do some work before his next showing and he knew just the place.

He arrived at Milk and Honey shortly after 9am. Traffic had been a nightmare, he kind of wished he had taken his bike. It would’ve definitely been faster and not to mention better for the environment but he had to go to the other side of town at 11am and the subway was a no-go. The café was very quiet, and music was playing in the background. Steve smiled when he realised it was Queen, he loved them (but then again who didn’t?). James looked tired but Steve could have sworn his eyes lit up as Steve walked up to the counter.

“Good morning, what can I get ya?” he asked, in that Brooklyn accent that made Steve’s insides tingle.

“I’ll have a latte and one of these pastries, please” Steve answered with a smile. He loved the pastries, they were so fresh and buttery, it was filled with calories but damn it was good.

“You got it. You can sit down if you want, I’ll bring it to you now that the morning rush is over.” James said, but Steve hovered for a minute. The Queen song was over and immediately transitioned to Nirvana. An odd combo of songs, so Steve guessed it was a playlist.

“I really like the music, which radio station is this?” Steve asked, trying to act dumb in the hopes that James had made the playlist.

James blushed and answered “Well actually, it’s a playlist. I, uh… I made it.” James looked down as if he were embarrassed but Steve was eager to at least show James he shouldn’t be embarrassed.

“That’s cool though! That they let you play your own music I mean.” They both kind of smiled at each other and Steve awkwardly went to sit down. God, Rogers, sometimes you can be a real dumbass . He opened his briefcase and started going through the information about the house he had to show later.

As James brought his coffee and pastry to Steve’s table, he asked him “You a real estate agent?”

Not expecting the question, Steve looked at James for a second, trying to figure out if he was asking to be friendly or if he was genuinely interested. He seemed genuine enough, though, with those soft blue eyes (were those grey specks in his eyes? Now’s not the time, focus, Rogers).

“Yeah I am” he replied, trying not to sound too startled or flustered. “You lookin’ for a new apartment?”

“Oh it’s just…” he looked a bit uncomfortable. “I decided to move out of my apartment and to move in with a friend of mine, and I looked at some real estate websites and the prices are just crazy for a barista and a dancer and I completely understand if it’s too much to ask but is there any way you could help us out?” He looked at him, a bit scared, yet somehow hopeful. Steve didn’t hesitate to agree. The café was empty anyway and he got to spend time to get to know a hot dude with a good taste in music? He’d be an idiot if he said no.  

“Sure thing! I’m always happy to help people find the home of their dreams” Steve said in his most fake-professional voice he could muster, hoping it would make James laugh. Score. “But seriously, I’d be glad to help”, he added, just in case he wasn’t clear that he wouldn’t like nothing more than help this surprisingly jacked, gorgeous man. Stop it, Steve, he’s going to notice that you’re staring.

“I’m Steve, by the way”, Steve said, shaking James’ hand. He only then noticed he had prosthetic arm, but he decided not to ask about it. It was none of his business.

“Nice to meet you, Steve”, James said. He motioned to his name tag when he said “I’m James but everyone calls me Bucky.”
“Bucky? How come if I may ask?” Steve was curious as to how he had acquired that nickname. Then again he somehow wanted to know everything about Ja- Bucky.

“Oh my full name is James Buchanan Barnes, my mother had a soft spot for President James Buchanan, I don’t really know why” he said, and even though he smiled, Steve could sense there was some sort of resentment when he mentioned his mother. He didn’t push it any further, he didn’t want to impose on his childhood problems in the first five minutes of them knowing each other.

They discussed about the best real estate in Brooklyn that may be affordable for him and his friend, whom he talked very fondly of. Even though the conversation was interrupted a couple times because some more customers arrived, they talked for almost an hour and their conversation drifted a bit from apartment searching and they talked about more personal things.

Steve looked at the time and noticed he should be on his way soon so he reluctantly got up and even managed to get Bucky’s number (purely for business purposes, of course. Yep.) and he gave Bucky his business card in case Natasha was worried he wasn’t legitimate, because Bucky had mentioned that she could be a bit overprotective. They shook hands even though Steve desperately wanted to hug him, or kiss him. But they weren’t there just yet, he didn’t even know it he was queer and he didn’t want to cross a boundary by hugging him. With a last glance back at Bucky he walked out the door.

Chapter Text

Bucky was staring. He knew he was, but that didn’t change the fact that he was, indeed, wishfully staring after a customer who had just left the coffee shop. Ugh, what was his life. But then again, only he could meet a really, really cute guy (who was definitely straight, I mean, come on!) and then said guy was not only really nice and had a great smile, no, he was also a real estate agent. So basically, a man straight out of Bucky’s dreams (not like that, get your mind out of the gutter, Nat) who seemed to be the solution to all of his problems. Again, how was this his life?

He sighed dramatically and then got back to work, before any of his coworkers noticed that he was not, in fact, busy. They were nice, mostly, but he was not in the mood for teasing. Or questions. Questions were no fun, and yet he realized that he had almost told Steve several things about himself, about his past, that only Nat knew, and she only knew because she had forced him to tell her, eventually. With a bottle of vodka and a lot of staring, if he remembered correctly. He wasn’t to sure, because, well vodka. But he had wanted to tell Steve, not to get a reaction or anything, but just because Steve was nice. He listened, he seemed to be really interested in Bucky (and his problems with his current roommate, although Bucky had left several details out. No one needed to know about the stuff Rumlow was yelling about, that was just gross).

Bucky hardly even noticed the rest of his shift, too lost in thoughts about pretty blondes and new apartments. He finished up around two, which meant he had a couple of hours to kill before going over to Nat’s place. He tried to be at home as little as he could, just so he could avoid Rumlow, so he was going to spend the evening with her, eating way too healthy stuff (in solidarity, not because he wanted to) and watching netflix. He could go to her apartment earlier, he had a key, but it was no fun if she wasn’t there, too. He definitely understood why she wanted to move out, the place was tiny and the people were weird.

He spent some time at the library, going through books at random, pulling them out and reading a couple of pages. Eventually he found one he liked and settled down to read for a while. He set a silent alarm on his phone, so he’d have enough time to get groceries before going over to Nat’s and then let himself get lost between the pages. It worked pretty well, even though he did find his mind wandering from time to time, thinking about blue eyes that reminded him of a golden retriever for some reason. It was kinda hard not to compare Steve to a puppy, with the way his eyes lit up and he got all excited about stuff. It was definitely very cute, though, and as long as he didn’t repeat these thoughts to anyone ever (definitely not to Nat, or he was never gonna hear the end of it) it was fine. Probably.

Nat was already home when he made it to her place. Her kitchen wasn’t really made for two people, even with how small she was, so she cooked while he watched her, making comments about stuff that had happened at the coffee shop (not Steve) or listening to her rant about her co-dancers and directors. It was a pretty normal evening for the two of them and it felt very comfortable. Which was good, because it seemed like they could be living together rather sooner than later.

“Hey, by the way, I meet a real estate agent today,” he said, all casual. “Well today, he already came by two days ago, but I didn’t really meet him until today and-” Just shut up, Barnes, what the hell is wrong with you? He shook his head and very carefully didn’t quite meet Nat’s eyes.

“Did you?” she asked. He nodded. Nodding was good, he couldn’t go and talk bullshit about his cru- no. That was not what this was, Steve was nice, he was a nice, kind guy that definitely wasn’t- that.

“James?” He shook his head.

“Anyway, he said he might be able to help us find something affordable, maybe.”

“Who is he?” Bucky shrugged.

“A customer. He’s just a guy who I served coffee to, Nat, he’s fine.”

“How do you know that? If he’s just a guy, how do you know he’s legit?”

“Why wouldn’t he be? I didn’t give him any information, I just said we were looking for something, that’s all.”

“That’s a lot of coincidence, don’t you think? You’re looking for a new place and suddenly this real estate guy turns up.”

“He didn’t- I knew what his job was before I told him I was looking for an apartment. And besides, he gave me his business card, you can go check him out if you want. Worrywart,” he grumbled, fishing the card out of his wallet. She took it without a word, studying it for a moment before she let it disappear god knows where.

He loved her, he really did, but sometimes it was pretty annoying, the way she worried, the way she wouldn’t let him do anything without checking and double checking. It wasn’t like his uncle had sent the guy over to test him or anything. She couldn’t just let him meet someone new for once, without having to perform a whole background check on them.

He wasn’t really sure why he was so annoyed by her questioning. Maybe because he really liked Steve, for all that he had only talked to him for like an hour or something like that. He was kind and funny and he didn’t ask awkward questions, he didn’t stare at the arm like an idiot, even though he must have noticed, he didn’t call him a cripple or- Okay, time to stop thinking.

“I just- be careful, James, okay?” And just like that, he deflated. She was worried and he knew that she had every reason to be, after all that had happened. He nodded, gave her a tired smile.

“Sure. I’ll be careful.” He took a deep breath, let it out again. “Come on, let’s eat, I’m starving.”

Chapter Text

Steve decided to finish up early at work and go grocery shopping. He wanted to cook an extravagant meal just because he was in a really good mood. He knew Sam got off work at around 7 so he still had a bit of time before he came home. He decided to make Sam’s favourite: pumpkin spice curry. Steve took a long time perfecting the recipe and Sam really liked it.

The curry was almost done when he heard the door open and close, and a tired Sam walked into the living room.

“I smell curry! What’s the occasion?” Was the first thing he said as he slumped onto the couch and looked at Steve, who had been reading a book as he waited for the curry to be completely cooked through.

Steve smiled and asked “What do you mean by ‘occasion’? Can’t I just cook my best friend’s meal because I feel like it?”

“Mm no. Not the Steve I know. No, the Steve I know only cooks his best friend’s favourite meal when he’s reeeeeally happy about something. And he even put on the Trouble Man soundtrack? Now I’m really curious. What happened today?” Sam asked, nudging Steve whose smile broadened at that last question and the fact that he remembered that Steve LOVED the Trouble Man soundtrack. He just had some really good memories connected to it, when he was a kid, playing with Sam in the living room as the same songs played on vinyl. The songs just made him happy.

“Okay so, I had a little bit of extra time today so I went back to that coffee shop I told you about? The hipster-type one with that kinda cute barista?” He paused slightly, waiting for Sam’s reaction but he just stared at Steve, waiting for him to continue.

“Well, turns out he’s looking for an apartment and he asked me for some help because as everyone knows, Brooklyn real estate prices are… Not optimal.”

“That’s one way to put it”, Sam said, rolling his eyes. “Brooklyn real estate prices are insanely fucking high.”

Steve gave Sam a look at his last comment but didn’t say anything about it. Sam continued.

“So. The cute guy huh? Tell me more about him”

“Oh he’s called Bucky, and he’s just really easy to talk to, he has a good taste in music and he was talking about moving in with I’m guessing his best friend? And he seemed genuinely like a good guy and I even got his number and gave him my business card.”

Sam raised his eyebrows at that.

“You know I’m always there for your hopeless romantic shenanigans, man, but be careful, alright? You don’t know that guy, he might be bad news. I know, I know, you’re like a big, muscly puppy but sometimes you shouldn’t trust people that easily.”

“Yeah I know but I don’t know, Sam. He was really nice. And I think he’s been hurt by the past, he had the same way of speaking as Tony did, back when I first met him. Making sure not to give too much away, trying to keep anything from me that I might later use to hurt him you know? I don’t think he’s a mean guy.” Steve said, earnestly.

“Okay, man. I support you and I really hope he’s a good guy. Just be a bit more careful, yeah? You trust people too easily.”

Steve nodded as the alarm went off on his phone, meaning the curry was done.

The next day, Steve had to spend the entire day in the office, he had some important meetings and he could take his time to find the right apartment for Bucky. Yes, he actually wanted to find a nice apartment for Bucky. He might have to pull some strings but for some reason, he had the feeling it was worth it.

After his third meeting of the day, he was in his office as he got a call from the front desk. He picked up the phone and Susan, the receptionist, told Steve a young woman wanted to see him. He checked his calendar but he didn’t have an appointment with any clients. He asked who it was and when Susan answered with “Natasha Romanoff”, Steve knew it was Bucky’s Natasha and told Susan to let her in.

Natasha was more or less what Steve had expected, even though he had no idea what to expect. But when he saw her it made complete sense. She was quite short but her posture was perfect and she didn’t make one sound as she walked over to greet Steve with a handshake. A true professional dancer.

“Good afternoon, how can I help you?” Steve asked, and he really wanted to make sure she liked him. Why was he like this? Was it that important for her to like him? He pushed those thoughts away as he continued.

“Please, have a seat. Can I get you anything to drink?”

“No, thank you, I’m fine” She answered as she sat down opposite Steve. It almost seemed like she was studying him, trying to stare right into his soul. It probably worked.

“I’m Bucky’s friend, he gave me your business card, I hope you don’t mind my barging in here, but I’m on my lunch break and I wanted to meet you myself to talk about potential apartments.” She was very direct and Steve admired that.

“No I don’t mind at all, my work can wait for a bit.” He smiled hastily and now saw what Bucky meant why she could be overprotective. She wanted to see if he wasn’t some sort of creep and Steve respected that. He told her that he was very busy at the moment but had the opportunity to look at some potential two bedroom apartments that had a bit of space and should be in their price range. He printed out some documents for Natasha to take home and ponder over.

“Well thank you very much for your time Mr. Rogers, I will be in touch.” She sounded so professional, how did she do that?

“You can call me Steve,” Steve said, not really knowing why she called him Mr. Rogers in the first place. “I can give you my mobile number if you want. So you can reach me if I’m not in the office. Might be easier that way.”

“Thank you, Steve, but in case I can’t reach you I’m sure Bucky will call.” Steve’s ears went slightly pink at the thought of Bucky calling him. He really needs to pull himself together.

After Natasha left, he pondered over the conversation he just had with her. He decided he liked her because he felt like she was a really good friend to Bucky and she was right to check that Steve was not a criminal. He decided to text Bucky because dear God he needed to see him again.

Hey, it’s Steve (from the coffee shop), I have some apartments that are in your price range and are actually in a pretty decent neighborhood if you wanted I could set up an appointment to look at some? Natasha came by today and I gave her the details but I’ll send you the documents so you have them, too. When would you be free? I hope you’re well xx

He pressed send, hoping it wasn’t too long or sounded too weird and went back to work.

Chapter Text

Bucky was grinning. He was happy, almost giddy with it. He had spend an amazing afternoon with Steve, looking at apartments. It had been fun, and surprisingly easy, considering that they were looking for a place in Brooklyn, which was not easy at all. Of course, he had to go back and look at them again with Natasha, but he was very optimistic about at least one of them. A beautiful two bedroom flat, with a big kitchen - definitely big enough for Nat and him. It was a bit on the pricey side, but still within budget.

Spending time with Steve was definitely fun. In the beginning they mostly talked about the apartments, but soon the conversation shifted, from talking about the kitchen, to talking about cooking, about hobbies in general. Bucky found himself talking about dancing, telling Steve how Nat and him had met, years and years ago. He didn’t quite admit that he had still been dancing, as a teenager, as a young adult, until- well, he didn’t tell Steve about that. But he did tell him about the ballet Nat was currently training for.

Steve told him a lot about himself in turn. About his best friend Sam, about going to college and about his work as a realtor. It would have been cheesy if it had been anyone else, but when Steve said that his favourite part about the job was to make people happy, to help them find the perfect apartment, the perfect home, Bucky actually believed him.

So yeah, Bucky was happy. Which should have been enough of a warning, because easy just didn’t happen for him. He hadn’t thought about it, when he got home, hadn’t thought about Rumlow at all. There had been no yelling during the last two days, because Bucky had mostly left before Rumlow was even awake. So yeah, he hadn’t thought about the fact that Rumlow would be at home, when he got there.

“The fuck are you grinning about?”, Rumlow sneered, not even half a minute after Bucky had entered the apartment. He was sitting in the kitchen, obviously drunk or at least very much on the way to being drunk. There were beer bottles all over the place. God, just one more reason in favour of moving out, the guy was just too annoying.

“None of your business,” Bucky answered, hoping that he could just get some food and then vanish in his bedroom for the rest of the night. Rumlow snorted.

“None of my business?” Rumlow mocked. “I think it is my business if my excuse for a roommate is looking at other apartments.” Bucky froze. How the fuck did he find out about that? He could feel Rumlow’s smirk, having obviously said the right thing to piss Bucky off. “Yeah I saw you with that realtor. Looking at apartments. Or did you forget where I worked?” Bucky mentally slapped himself. He should’ve been more careful, he knew one of the apartments was near where Rumlow worked, if you could call that work. It was the sketchiest place he’s ever seen, it’s probably illegal. Why hadn’t he been more careful? He’d known this might all come back and bite him in the ass eventually, and here he was.

He tried to tell himself that is was fine. Rumlow was an asshole, but one that barked more than he bit. Mostly.

“So what if?” he said, sounding braver than he felt. “It’s still none of your business. It’s not like you’re the perfect roommate either.” Okay. That might have been stupid.

Rumlow emptied the beer he had in his hand and stood up.

“Are you forgetting how desperate you were when I took you in? You were basically dead, running from God knows what. I helped you. I know things about you that mister perfect would definitely not enjoy hearing.”

Fuck, Bucky could’ve cried. He wished he could say that Rumlow was bluffing, but it was true. He did know stuff that Steve- no. Steve would probably freak out, or worse even: pity him. That was the last thing he wanted, not from anyone and definitely not from Steve. To have those kind, soft eyes turn hard and cold, because Bucky was- no.

Rumlow was obviously enjoying Bucky’s predicament, going by the self satisfied smirk in his face.

“He probably wouldn’t want to help a fag like you anyway.”

Bucky took as step back as if slapped. He’d known, of course, or at least suspected, that Rumlow- He shook his head, looked down. “Fuck you,” he quietly whispered, trying to hide the tears threatening to spill over.

“Say that to my fucking face, pussy,” Rumlow sneered. Bucky hesitated, then he looked up, right into his eyes.

“Fuck you,” he repeated, voice steady. Rumlow laughed, gave a small little nod, as if in acknowledgment and then he punched him. Right in the face and Bucky couldn’t even say he hadn’t seen that one coming. Didn’t mean that he did anything to defend himself, of course. He’d learned long ago that trying to stop it only made it worse.

His entire face burned with the intensity of the blow. It hurt and he already knew that tomorrow he’d be sporting a spectacular bruise. Maybe he could say he got into a bar fight or something like that. But first, he needed to get away.

Rumlow had turned away, taking another beer out of the fridge.

“Right,” Bucky murmured. “Right. You should maybe start looking for a new roommate. I’ll be out by the end of the month,” he said, then turned around and very quickly made his way into his bedroom. At least he could lock the door, here. Which did of course nothing against the stuff Rumlow was now yelling at him, but then again, that was not new. He’d already said the worst things, threatening everything that Bucky had built, here. Even after all those years, if was still coming back, still haunting him. He’d never be free, not really, he knew that. Well, maybe they were right. He must have done something wrong, to be treated like that, right? Something…

Sleep didn’t come easy that night, but eventually he did fall asleep. He had been right, the bruise on this face definitely looked spectacular. He put some makeup on it, but it wasn’t enough to really cover it. Ugh, maybe he could change places with his coworker today, work the coffee machine instead of the register at least.

He was so out of it during work that he even forgot that they had set up another meeting to go look at apartments today. It was early afternoon, just fifteen minutes before the end of Bucky’s shift, when Steve was suddenly standing in front of him, looking wide-eyed and worried. And all Bucky could think of to say was: “Fuck.”

Chapter Text

The day had been so wonderful. They had looked at tons of apartments that Bucky seemed to like, and according to Bucky, that Nat would like too. And when Bucky said he had to go home, he hugged him! Actually hugged him and thanked him. It was Steve who should have thanked Bucky for simply existing, dear God, he was perfect. That evening he texted Bucky and tried to stay casual

Had a lot of fun today, can’t wait for tomorrow! Xx

He pressed send and didn’t think about it again as Sam came home and wanted to hear every single detail of their “date” as he put it. It wasn’t a date, as much as Steve wanted it to be. Bucky was probably straight, but what he wouldn’t give…

The next morning couldn’t go by fast enough. He had some work to do but managed to get out of the office after a lunch meeting. He arrived at Milk & Honey at quarter to 2, fifteen minutes before the end of Bucky’s shift. What he saw made Steve’s heart drop. Bucky looked terrible. He had a black eye even though it looked as if he tried to hide it with some makeup. Steve could tell that Bucky had definitely not slept enough, knowing very well what Sam used to look like when he couldn’t sleep in the early days back from the Army. Bucky didn’t seem to notice him at first, but when he did his eyes got big and he quietly whispered something to himself. He then tried to smile, which probably hurt his eye because he looked as if he were in pain. Steve walked over to Bucky as soon as the customer he was serving went to sit down.

“What happened to you? Are you okay?” Steve was about to cry, he was so worried.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it, really.” Bucky managed to say even though he sounded as if he was being strangled. Steve was not having it. He looked around the nearly empty coffee shop and went closer to him, gently touching his black eye, which he instantly regretted when Bucky winced from the pain.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, not really, Steve. It’s fine, just leave it.” Bucky looked so scared and Steve’s heart hurt just at the thought of someone hurting him, but he couldn’t just leave Bucky like this, he simply couldn’t.

“Okay, if you don’t want to tell me what happened, that’s okay. I’m just really worried. Can I convince you to come over to my place after work? We can postpone the apartment viewings for when you’re better if that’s what you want. I just want to know that you’re okay.” Steve tried to read Bucky’s expression, but couldn’t quite tell what he was thinking.

“Look, Steve. You’re a good guy, and I know your intentions aren’t bad. But it’s just hard for me to talk to someone I barely know about my personal problems.”

“I understand and I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to cross a line, I really didn’t. Please just come to my place, we can talk about the other apartments or anything you want. We can get some ice on that eye.”

Bucky looked around the café as if he was searching for an answer, then nodded. “Okay, fine. But please don’t ask me about my eye, I just- I don’t want you to worry about that, okay? I’m a grown man, I can handle it.” Steve nodded and led the way to the car.

They drove back to Steve’s apartment in silence, not knowing what to say to each other. Steve knew Sam was working until 5 pm so they had a bit of time to talk.

When they arrived inside the apartment, Steve made them some coffee and sat down on the couch with Bucky. He took out some documents of the apartments they were supposed to look at and Bucky’s coldness seemed to melt away a bit as their conversation drifted, as it usually did, when they were together. Conversation was just so easy with Bucky. Steve even managed to make Bucky smile, to which Bucky hissed at the pain of his black eye. Steve sprang up and apologised that he didn’t tend to the black eye earlier. He got some cream to soothe the wound a bit and an ice pack out of the freezer.

“Steve Rogers, you are a saint,” Bucky said, and he sounded honest. That made Steve blush.

“Well, anything for my friends,” He said. And he meant it. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for his friends, and there is definitely nothing he wouldn’t do for Bucky. That man was just… perfect. Bucky smiled and looked down.

“It was my roommate,” He said in a whisper, motioning at his eye. “I uh… I told him I was going to move out, he didn’t really appreciate that. He feels like I owe him something because…” He stopped talking, just looking at the floor, not daring to make eye contact with him. Steve desperately wanted to know what Bucky had wanted to say but knew that it took a lot of courage and trust for him to admit already that.

“Okay, well… thank you for telling me.” Steve gave him a supportive smile and continued.

“Should we call Nat? To let her know you’re okay?”

“No, please. I’ll text her later. She’s at practice right now and I don’t want to lay this on her, practice is so important for her.” Steve nodded and looked at Bucky.

“You know, you don’t have to go back there tonight, or ever when your roommate is there,” Steve said, looking hopeful.

“What do you mean? I can’t just sleep on the streets and you said that I won’t be able to move into a new apartment until next month! Nat’s place is too small for me to stay there for three weeks, I can’t do that to her.”

“I’m not talking about that. You can crash here until you can move into a new apartment. I might be able to pull some strings to get you into one of them earlier. They’re all empty anyway.” Bucky thought about it for a second, his lips twisting into a half-smile, but then his eyes dropped again.

“What about my stuff? Like I can’t just leave everything at Rumlow’s”

“Don’t worry about that. Do you know when he’ll be out?”

“More or less, yeah”

“Well, let’s just get everything when you’re certain he’s not there. I can take the day off if need be and I’m sure that Sam will help, too. Maybe Nat will help you too? We can keep the boxes here or somewhere else if you want. I’ll see what I can do about the apartments and when you can move in. You can always change the lease a bit, especially when you know one of the best realtors in the city” Steve boasted, more or less jokingly. He was good at his job but definitely not one of the best. Bucky smiled at that but he winced at the pain in his eye. Steve handed him the ice pack again, which he gladly took.

“Well, you can stay here tonight, I’m sure Sam won’t mind.” Bucky needed rest and there was no way Bucky was going anywhere tonight.

For the next half hour, they talked about how they were going to plan their lives these next few weeks. They decided to go back to Bucky’s apartment tomorrow evening and get his things because Bucky mentioned that Rumlow always goes out to drink and play poker with his work buddies on Friday night.

Just as their conversation came to an end, Sam came home. When Steve introduced them, Sam shook Bucky’s hand and said

“So this is the famous Bucky I keep hearing so much about, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” Steve explained Bucky’s situation and that he needed a place to crash.

“Well, any friend of Steve’s is a friend of mine. Feel free to stay as long as you need.” He smiled warmly at Bucky and Steve suddenly felt a warmth come over him. He was indescribably happy. He decided to make dinner for the three of them, to which no one complained, considering Steve was a great cook. He made a lasagna, mainly because he had all the ingredients for it but he had his ma’s old recipe and it tasted darn good. Sam and Bucky seemed to get along well so he left them talking and started making the lasagna.

As expected, it was a hit and Bucky even went in for second helpings, making obscene noises as he enjoyed every single bite. Later that evening, they decided to stay inside and watch a movie, which ended up being The Little Mermaid because Sam and Bucky had gotten into an argument about one of the lyrics. Dorks.

That night, Steve went to sleep with a smile on his face, knowing that Bucky was safe, knowing that he’s getting along with Sam because if you get along with Sam you get along with all of Steve’s friends. It’s just how it is. Everything was going to work out, he just knew it.

Chapter Text

It was late. The apartment Steve and Sam lived in was quiet, almost too quiet. A while ago, Bucky had heard one of the bedroom door close, probably Steve’s and since then, there had been no more sounds. Well, apart from Bucky fidgeting with the blanket Sam had given him and the way his own breath sounded like thunder in his ears, in the quiet space. Maybe Bucky was just imagining stuff, surely the city couldn’t be that quiet. He couldn’t even hear cars or sirens. 

He didn’t know what to do. He was tired, of course, but he knew he couldn’t sleep. Not now, not yet. Not with his thoughts turning around in his head, spinning, tumbling. He couldn’t stop, couldn’t- couldn’t breathe. No. No, he could breathe, there was nothing stopping him, just- this was just anxiety, perfectly understandable after the last 24 hours and yet. He couldn’t breathe. 

“Hey man, it’s okay.” There was someone in front of him, suddenly, or maybe not so suddenly, he didn’t know anymore. Someone- he jerked back. “Hey, it’s okay, I’m not gonna touch you. It’s me, Sam. You remember? You’re in our apartment, Steve brought you here, remember how he made lasagna, a couple of hours ago? He’s sleeping right now, but I can go wake him if you want. Bucky? Hey, it’s okay. Do you want me to go get Steve?”

A question. An important one, too. He shook his head. 

“Oh, good, you’re here. I assume that’s a no regarding Steve, right?” Nod. “Okay cool. Do you remember where you are?” Where he- apartment. Not his own, though. Rumlow wasn’t here. He wasn’t too sure who the man was, talking to him, but he was definitely not Rumlow. Too soft, so gentle. Oh right, Sam. Steve and Sam’s apartment. He nodded again. 

“Okay, that’s good, that’s very good. Do you think you could take a breath for me? Slowly, you can match me, okay? Yeah that’s good, there you go.”

Slowly, his breath returned to normal, just in time for the rest of the world to crash in again. Fuck. Fuck anxiety, fuck Rumlow, this was not cool. He slowly, carefully raised his eyes, looked at Sam, expecting- he wasn’t really sure what to expect, since he didn’t know Sam. Which was just great, really, he was a big fan of falling apart in front of strangers. But Sam wasn’t looking at him with pity or disgust, or any of the other horrible things that had happened to Bucky before. He was smiling, just a tiny little bit, looking almost- proud?

“Hey, good to see you, man,” he said. “I’m gonna go make cocoa, you’ll be alright for a couple of minutes?” Bucky nodded again, even though he wanted to insist he was fine, he didn’t need coddling. But Sam was already standing and Bucky didn’t have the energy to call him back. God, that sucked. 

Sam was back a couple of minutes later, pressing a steaming cup of cocoa into Bucky’s hands. They sat in silence for a while, sipping their drinks and not feeling any need to talk. Or at least Bucky didn’t and Sam didn’t ask. Eventually, Sam’s mug was empty and he sat up a bit. 

“You okay, Bucky?” Nod. Sam looked at him for a moment, studying him. Apparently he passed muster. “Okay. I’m gonna go back to bed, okay?” Another nod. Sam hesitated for another moment, then he got up and left Bucky sitting on the couch, staring into his own mug. It was good, sweet and warm and- unexpected. It was kindness. 

Bucky woke hours later to someone moving around, making sounds in the kitchen and the smell of coffee and pancakes. It made it easy to remember where he was, or rather that he wasn’t at home. It only took him a moment to realize that he woke up on Steve’s couch. That also made him remember the conversation (or not conversation) he had with Sam. Which explained the headache he had. An anxiety (panic?) attack in combination with too little sleep always left him feel like crap. 

“Oh hey, you’re awake,” Steve said suddenly, leaning on the door frame, a cup of coffee in his hand and a smile on his lips. He didn’t look worried, so maybe Sam hadn’t told him. Or maybe he wasn’t awake yet. 

“Yeah, more or less,” Bucky murmured, which made Steve laugh. This was good. He wanted to make Steve laugh more. 

“You want some coffee?” Steve asked. “I also made breakfast, if you’d like.”

Bucky slowly nodded. Yesterday Steve had been very kind, not asking any questions, not pushing Bucky to do anything. He didn’t really think this would change, just because he’d spent the night at Steve’s place, but he also knew that he could never trust the peace, the calm. Not really. So, even though he was tired and his head was pounding, he got up. Steve’s smile almost made it worth the effort, even if it didn’t really make him feel better. 

Steve passed him a cup of coffee, pointing to the table and the fridge for sugar and milk. Bucky took a minute to fix himself a cup of coffee exactly how he liked it, aware that Steve was watching his every move (and now probably knew and remembered how he drank his coffee; because that was just the kind of person Steve was). 

“So, I have work today. Sam too, he already left like twenty minutes ago,” Steve said, while piling pancakes on a plate and putting it in front of Bucky. “You’re welcome to stay here, of course, but I’m leaving you a key, so you can get out and come back whenever you want, okay?”

Bucky stared at him. Then at the plate full of pancakes and at Steve again. How was that guy even real?

“What is it? Do you not like pancakes? I can-” He was already reaching for the plate again, obviously planning on making Bucky something else. Bucky pulled his plate closer, leaning over it protectively. 

“How are you even real?” he asked. Steve frowned.

“So you like pancakes?”

“Who doesn’t like pancakes?”

“I don’t know. You’re staring at me and I don’t know why, could be that.”

“I’m staring at you because you not only invite an almost complete stranger into your home, letting him crash on your couch, no, you also leave a key for him, because apparently you have the opposite of trust issues.” 

Good job, Barnes, insulting the guy who literally saved your ass yesterday. But all Steve did was laugh. Full belly laugh, one hand coming up to grab at his own chest (which, was this the wrong moment to notice that Steve’s pecs were really, like really, really nice? Probably). But he hadn’t pissed him off, which was good. 

“I think I’m gonna take that risk,” Steve said, still grinning. “Also, we can go and get your stuff from the apartment tonight, is that still okay?” Bucky nodded, dumbfounded. Honestly, how was this guy even real??

They spent the rest of breakfast talking about Steve’s work and stuff they both liked. Which was mainly movies and exercising. Bucky found himself telling Steve about Natasha and him dancing together as teenagers, and about how much he missed it. Not the stress and the pressure, but just the simple act of dancing and being good at it. That was probably what he missed most, just knowing that he was good at it, knowing he wouldn’t fail. 

They were so deep in conversation that suddenly both of them had to hurry to get to work in time. Bucky took the fastest shower ever before he dressed in his own jeans and a shirt that Steve had lent him. By the time he was done, Steve had already left and there was a key and a note on the kitchen counter. 

Use the key, it’s yours. I’ll pick you up at M&H after your shift and we’ll go get your stuff. C u soon xx

True to his words, Steve did pick him up just after his shift had ended. The ride over to Bucky’s (or rather Rumlow’s) apartment was short and it only took a moment for Steve to find a place to park his car. Bucky was nervous. He was pretty sure that Rumlow wasn’t there, but still. Also he was kinda afraid of what Rumlow might have done to his stuff. Well, there was only one way to figure it out. 

The apartment was indeed empty and Bucky’s things even seemed to have been left alone, or at least there was nothing Bucky could see so far. So he ignored the uneasy feeling in his gut and made his way into his old room. Steve had brought some boxes for his stuff and they began to just randomly put things in there, not caring about being neat or anything. They got through about half of his things when Bucky could suddenly hear a key being inserted, the door knob turning. He froze.

Chapter Text

Bucky was the first that heard the door budge, and Steve could see him turn completely white. Steve reached out for Bucky’s shoulder to somehow protect him, or at least to let him know that he’s here, that nothing bad is going to happen to him. The door opened, then closed and there was some shuffling in the entrance. As Rumlow stepped into the living room, clearly drunk, he stared at Bucky, then at Steve.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Barnes?” Rumlow slurred, trying to avoid Steve’s eye. 

“I’m getting my stuff, Rumlow. I told you I was moving out by the end of the month.” He tried to keep his voice steady as he looked up at Rumlow. 

“You’re actually going through with this? Seriously, do you remember when you came to me, practically begging me to take you in?”
“Shut up.” Was all that Bucky managed to say, taking a quick glance at Steve. Bucky looked as if he was going to be sick. 

“Look, we’re just gonna take Bucky’s stuff, take it to the car and we’ll be out of your hair, okay? We don’t want any trouble.” Steve decided to step in and take the attention away from Bucky. 

“Do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into? Do you know who the fuck he is? I know all his secrets. Yeah, that’s right. I won’t hesitate to spill all your dirty little secrets, Barnes. You can’t run from your past forever.”

“Okay, enough” Steve said, voice firm. He stepped towards Rumlow, looming over him. “You reek of alcohol. Why don’t you get yourself a glass of water and calm down, okay?” Rumlow smirked and looked at Bucky. 

“You know your friend here is a dirty little fag, right? Running from mommy and daddy because they hurt him, and-” 

“SHUT UP!” Bucky yelled, running toward his former roommate, about to punch him. Steve managed to get between them and push them away from each other. He first gave Bucky a look that he hoped translated to “leave it, he isn’t worth it, he wants you to act like this.” Bucky must’ve understood because he took a deep breath and backed off. Steve then turned to Rumlow, staring down at him. He took one look from Bucky to Steve and sighed, deciding this wasn’t for him. Or maybe he decided he was just way too drunk to start a fight against a guy who was significantly taller and broader than him, so he turned around and went into his room where he presumably passed out because they didn’t hear anything as soon as the door closed. 

They hastily finished packing in silence, Bucky still looking really sick. Steve wanted to say something to comfort him, to help him somehow but didn’t want to upset him even more by being insensitive. After they loaded the boxes into the car, Bucky looked at Steve, hesitating to talk. 

“I am gay,” he finally said, and Steve could tell this was very hard for him to confess. 

“Yeah, I figured. Don’t worry, I’m not homophobic or anything, neither is Sam. I’m bi” He smiled at Bucky, because damn, there’s a pretty gay man that maybe kind of trusts Steve in his life and there was no chance in hell he was going to mess this up. 

“Oh. Okay, good.” Bucky smiled, relieved. He must’ve gone through a lot of pain as a teenager, but Steve knew this wasn’t the time or place to bring the topic up. Maybe someday when Bucky felt more comfortable, if the day ever came. He didn’t need to know everything about his life. 

The moon was shining as they drove home, it must have been about 11 pm by the time they got back. Sam helped them load everything out of the car and into the living room. Neither Steve nor Bucky were hungry and they were very tired from all the commotion earlier, so they decided to call it a night. As Steve got out of the bathroom, Bucky called him into the living room. Steve went to sit down onto the couch with Bucky. 

“Hey, um… I just wanted to thank you for earlier. That you stood up for me. And that you stopped me from starting a fight with that first-class asshole. And thank you for not asking about…” Bucky stopped talking and looked down. It took a while for Steve to realize that Bucky was crying. 

“Hey, it’s okay! It’s fine, you’re fine, you’re safe here. It’s okay” Steve tried to calm Bucky down and handed him a tissue.

“Can I hug you?” Steve asked, softly. As a response, Bucky leaned into Steve’s chest and Steve put his arms around him, holding him tight. He wanted to let Bucky know that he was safe here, no matter what. They sat like that for a while, neither of them making a sound, except for Bucky who gave out the occasional sniffle or sob. As Bucky sat upright, Steve handed him another tissue, which Bucky gladly took. 

“Thank you for this, and for not freaking out because I cried.” Bucky managed to say, after blowing his nose. 

“No problem. It would be hypocritical of me to freak out at you crying, I mean I cry so often. How are you feeling?” Steve reached for the glass of water on the table in front of the couch and offered it to Bucky. That man drained that glass as if he hadn’t had water in a month.

“A bit better, thank you.” His voice was hoarse but he sounded sincere.

“No worries. I’m gonna go to bed, is that okay for you? If you need anything, you can always come and wake me, I mean it.” Bucky smiled and leaned over to kiss Steve on the cheek.

“Thank you, Steve. Really. For everything you did for me. I can’t thank you enough.” 

Furiously blushing, Steve got up, wished Bucky a good night and went into his room. Bucky had just kissed him. On the cheek. But still. Oh my god. He was just being friendly right? It had been a hard night and Bucky was very vulnerable right now, Steve tried not to read too much into it, even though Bucky had just kissed him on the cheek . He felt like a little schoolgirl falling in love but he couldn’t help himself. Despite everything that had happened today, Steve was happy. Happy that Bucky was safe, happy that he trusted Steve. They didn’t have to figure everything out right now, they could figure things out one step at a time. 

Chapter Text

When Bucky woke up, he felt well rested and calm for the first time in days. That was, at least for as long as it took him to realize that his phone was buzzing at him, alerting him to one text message after the other. He groaned and slowly pushed himself up. His face still kinda hurt, but it felt better than it did yesterday at least. 

He had about 14, no 15 texts from Nat. At least one of them consisted of nothing else than knife emojis. Fuck. 

I’m alive , the typed, before he even read any of the other messages. Because knowing Nat, she didn’t like the fact that she hadn’t been able to reach her for almost two days by now. That- was not a thing that happened, between them.

Sorry , was the next one, before he fully sat up and started to read what she had written. It started with a couple of complaints about training and demands for milkshakes. Then: Stop flirting with your customers and text me. Then: James? After than, there was a row of emojis, before she must have gotten really worried.

Where are you? 

James, answer me. 

James?

???

Please don’t be dead.

Then his own messages: I’m alive and: Sorry. He sighed. Right, time to face the music.

I’m fine, stop worrying. Rumlow was an Asshole and I’ve kinda been staying with Steve these last couple of days. His roommate’s nice. He hesitated for a moment, then added Steve’s address. Nat already knew where he worked, but she was also easily worried (understandable) and the more information she had, the safer she believed him to be. 

James!!

I will come and get you.

No, I’m fine Nat. He’s not holding me hostage or anything xD  

By now he had noticed Steve standing at the door to the living room, a cup of coffee in his hand and a soft smile on his lips. His smile widened as soon as he noticed that Bucky had seen him. 

“Everything okay?” he asked. Bucky nodded. 

“Yeah. Just Nat, she’s worried about me, because we didn’t talk for a couple of days. I- kinda might have forgotten to mention what happened with Rumlow.” 

Steve frowned. 

“Do you wanna invite her over? So she can see where you are?” 

Right. How was Steve so perfect again? Bucky didn’t even know why he was still surprised by the fact that Steve had understood the problem and offered a solution before he had even finished his first cup of coffee.

“That- would actually be great, thank you,” he said, hoping that Steve could see how sincere he was. Steve smiled.

“Of course. Why don’t you invite her for tonight and we can think about what we’re gonna cook over breakfast?” Yeah, that really sounded perfect.

Come over for dinner tonight, he texted, knowing that this would be enough for now. Then he got up and followed Steve into the kitchen. 

Bucky knew that he didn’t really have a reason to be nervous, but for some reason he spent almost the whole day at work thinking about the dinner they had planned together. Steve had offered to make his curry, which sounded perfect. They agreed that Bucky would make some fresh garlic naan bread, because Bucky wanted to make something as well. Which meant that they were planning to cook together. Which should be fine, because they were cooking for Nat and Sam, too, so it wasn’t- it wasn’t a- Bucky shook his head. He needed to stop thinking about this. Just because Steve was nice (more than nice, he was freaking amazing), it didn’t mean anything. Okay sure, he hadn’t suspected that Steve might be bi, but still. Didn’t mean anything. 

In the end, everything he told himself didn’t help, because Steve’s smile when Bucky got home was just as nervous, almost fragile in a way, but also kinda excited. He was clearly looking forward to tonight and Bucky wasn’t sure if is was more about cooking together or about meeting Nat again. Maybe both, but either way, Bucky’s carefully constructed feint of calm didn’t last as soon as he saw Steve.

“Hey, did you have a good day?” Steve asked, smiling at Bucky as he unpacked the groceries. 

“I… yeah, sure, it was good. You?”

“Yes! I was looking at some more apartments that I wanted to show you and Natasha. Some of them are really cool.” And with that Steve was off, talking excitedly about the different apartments he had picked out. Bucky stared at him for a moment, before he kinda kicked himself and went to help him. 

After that, it was easy. The kitchen was big enough for the two of them, moving easily around each other. Soon it started to smell amazing, which lured Sam out of his room. For a while, Bucky was sad to loose the easy togetherness with Steve, but that only lasted for a short moment. Sam was easy to be around, always with a sarcastic comment on his lips, making both Steve and him laugh. Bucky was kinda scared of what would happen when Sam and Nat met, because together they could only get worse. Or maybe it would be amazing. Well, he didn’t have to wait long to find out. 

Nat arrived only a couple of minutes later and her face, when Bucky opened the door for her, went from calm and slightly curious to thunderous within seconds. So fast that Bucky almost jerked back, before he remembered what his face currently looked like. Right. Forgot about that. 

She reached out and very slowly, very deliberately touched the side of his face, just shy under his eyes. It didn’t hurt, not really, but Bucky still hissed at the touch, which made her look even more angry. 

“Who did this to you,” she asked, ice in her voice and Bucky knew, without doubt, that she would tear them apart, should he ever hint that this was what he wanted. As it was, he wasn’t even sure that she wouldn’t do it, no matter what he said. But he couldn’t lie to her, because whatever lie she would believe would only be much worse than the truth. 

“Rumlow. Wasn’t a big fan of me moving out.” Natasha didn’t look like she really believed him, which wasn’t exactly a surprise, considering… He shook his head.

“Tasha,” and that had her looking at him, because he always called her Nat and almost never called her Tasha. “It wasn’t that. Wasn’t him.”

She hesitated for a moment, studying his face, then she nodded. 

“Are your things still there?” she wanted to know. He shook his head. 

“Steve helped me get it.” 

“Hmm… Did he now.” She smirked, a tiny little thing.

Chapter Text

Steve had expected Natasha to be worried about Bucky, but the look she gave Bucky when she saw him was quite frankly, scary. He made a mental note to keep her in his good graces because he would never want her to look at her like that. She pulled Bucky to one side and softly asked him some questions but Steve thought he shouldn’t eavesdrop. He went into the kitchen to get the rest of the things out of the kitchen (the curry smelled amazing and he could see Sam stare longingly at the pot as he placed it on the table). 

“It wasn’t that. Wasn’t him” Steve overheard Bucky whisper to Nat. He wondered who they were talking about. No, that wasn’t any of his business. They were going to have a nice evening and Nat could make sure that Steve wasn’t a serial killer and he could maybe ask Bucky about that another day. But not today. Damn, sometimes he wished he could stop being so curious all the time. 

“Can we eat already? This food smells delicious and I might just eat it all myself.” Sam said, in a whiny voice. 

“Yeah alright calm down, jeez how old are you” Steve replied, but Sam just laughed, used to Steve’s fake complaining. 

The food tasted as good as it smelled and Nat didn’t hesitate to let everyone at the table know how much she liked it.

During the first half of the dinner, they talked about the different apartments that Steve had found that would be perfect for them price-wise and into which they could move effective immediately if that’s what they wanted. Nat and Bucky listened attentively and Sam was too concentrated on the curry to care what they were talking about, anyway. 

“I really like this one” Nat said after having looked at all the documents and listened to Steve’s comments on all of them. The one she picked out was also Steve’s favorite. A two-bedroom apartment with a decent-sized kitchen and even a small balcony, which was very rare especially for those prices. 

“Oh yeah, Steve and I looked at that one last week, right?” Bucky answered, looking over at Steve, smiling. Steve couldn’t help but blush at Bucky’s shy smile, the way his eyes lit up whenever he looked at him. Calm down, Rogers. 

“Oh um.. Yeah, we did” he managed to say after he came back to reality. Nat must’ve noticed something because she briefly looked up from the papers in her hand and gave Steve the tiniest smirk. Steve and Bucky cleared the table, even though Steve assured Bucky he could do it himself, and Sam started a conversation with Nat. He was a great guy and easy to talk to, so he was sure they found something to talk about as Steve and Bucky cleared everything from the table and made some tea for everyone. As they waited for the kettle to brew, Sam and Nat were laughing about something idiotic Sam was probably telling Nat. 

“Thank you for your help today, I had a lot of fun cooking with you today,” Steve said in a low voice, smiling softly at Bucky. 

“It’s me who should be thankin’ you, Steve. I mean you’ve been so amazing to me I can’t say how grateful I am. That and I really had fun cooking with you, too. Plus the food was amazing, I’m sure Nat’s going to come back every evening to eat here” Bucky answered, laughing at his own joke. 

“No but seriously. Thank you.” Bucky looked up at Steve who just noticed how incredibly close they were standing. He could feel the heat come off of Bucky’s body and he desperately wanted to kiss him. 

“Anything for my friends” He answered, almost in a murmur. Anything for you was what he wanted to say. They were interrupted as the kettle went off and Sam called from the living room. Bucky took a step back and blinked. 

“Better check out what the others are up to,” he said, and just like that, he was walking back into the living room with a bowl of cookies that they had prepared to bring with the tea. Steve brought a tray with four mugs, a full teapot, some milk and sugar onto the table as Sam, Bucky and Nat were already deep in conversation about how scrawny and skinny Steve had been when he was a kid, a story Sam had perfected over the years, of how he got beaten up by every bully because he couldn’t back out from a fight. Nat and Bucky were giggling like little kids as Sam told a story of how he had to save tiny Steve from an alleyway because he was too dumb to leave the bullies alone. 

After the tea and cookies had been consumed, Sam and Bucky went into the kitchen to clean up, even though Sam insisted he could do it on his own. As soon as they were alone, Nat looked up at Steve. 

“He really trusts you, you know. It’s hard for him, but I can tell he really likes you” she said, quietly, as to not attract attention from the two men in the kitchen. Steve blushed and smiled at that comment. 

“Well, I try my best to be a good friend.” He answered, trying to hide his smile at that comment. Nat opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again, deciding against it. 

“Well, I can tell you’re a very good friend. I know Bucky’s very thankful that you and Sam are this kind to him. Thank you for helping him out. Really. If it weren’t for you, he would never have moved out from that place.” Steve didn’t really know how to respond, so he just nodded and smiled. 

Nat left shortly after their conversation because she had practise early in the morning. Steve helped Bucky set up the couch again, wondering if it wasn’t too uncomfortable to sleep on all night.

“You sure the couch isn’t too uncomfortable to sleep on?” Steve asked, as Bucky walked to the bathroom to get ready for bed. 

“I’ll be fine, Steve, I’ve slept on worse than that couch,” he said, and Steve wondered what he meant by that. As Bucky came out of the bathroom, he was holding his prosthetic in his right hand. He looked embarrassed, even though he had nothing to be embarrassed about. Steve flashed him a little smile before going into the bathroom himself to get ready for bed. As he went out of the bathroom, he wanted to say goodnight to Bucky, who was already sleeping on the couch. He turned off the light and quietly went into his room. 

Chapter Text

Maybe the last evening had been too good, too easy. Bucky had slowly started to relax, to let his guard down, especially around Steve. Steve was just- so pure, so profoundly good, that Bucky couldn’t help himself, couldn’t stop. But now that he thought about it, he wasn’t surprised that it didn’t last. It couldn’t, good things never did. Not for Bucky. 

The taste of blood and iron in this mouth wasn’t a surprise either, when he woke with a gasp in the middle of the night. He was shaking, his hands freezing cold but his body too hot, with tears already on his face and the sounds of these voices in his head. Voices that would never leave him, would never stop, and he knew, he knew better than to trust, than to even think about it. It was wrong, he was wrong, he knew, he knew, make it stop please, I won’t- I won’t ever- 

He wasn’t screaming, hadn’t been trying to scream for years now. It didn’t help, didn’t stop. But the tears still came, and he knew, they had told him. Had told him that he cried, every time, because he knew it was wrong, because he wanted, needed to stop, to be better, to be clean. He didn’t feel clean, not after what they did. He never really felt clean, no matter what he tried, he couldn’t wash away the shame underneath his own skin, the knowledge that he was wrong, impure, always tainted no matter what he tried. 

He was scratching at his shoulder, his neck, leaving red and angry looking marks, but he didn’t even notice. Or maybe he just didn’t want to, because the pain helped, it forced him to at least stay in his own body, as hard as it was. The voices were still there, calling him names, abominable, peccable and he knew they wouldn’t stop. The taste or iron in his mouth became stronger and he realized that he had bitten his lip, in his effort to remain quiet, because screaming, begging never helped, it only made it worse. He remembered them telling him it was only for his own good, it was necessary, something to endure and then it would all go away, if he could only listen, only change. He remembered thinking about this, about how he didn’t understand, how could it be for his own good when all it did was hurt. They made him hate himself and he knew, he had learned, years later, that they were wrong, but it didn’t change. He still felt tainted, still felt like the abomination they said he was. 

Suddenly, it was too much. He got up, almost tumbling on his way over to the bathroom and he made it just in time, before throwing up, heaving. He was still crying, he realized after a moment. What a strange feeling. He let himself fall down, let his head lean against the cool material of the walls, wiping his mouth with a piece of toilet paper before he flushed the toilet. His face was wet and itchy, but moving felt like too much of an effort, so he stayed. Hoping that the voices would go away. They would, eventually, but he knew that the next couple of days were gonna suck. And that was even before he noticed the light in the hall and Steve’s worried voice as he knocked on the door. 

“Bucky? Hey, are you okay?”

Right. He was about the furthest away from okay he could be. But he also didn’t want Steve to see him like that.

“I’m fine,” he said, voice raspy and definitely not fine. 

“You don’t sound fine. Bucky, can I come in?” And he couldn’t. He couldn’t say no, not to Steve, even though he knew he should, he knew Steve would listen. He didn’t. He stayed silent, until the door creaked and the light from the hall fell inside the bathroom.

“Oh Bucky. What happened, what’s wrong?”

Steve was suddenly there, kneeling in front of him, his hand hovering just over his right knee, not touching but clearly wanting to. Bucky shook his head, because nothing happened, he was just fucked up. 

“M’fine,” he mumbled again, knowing that there was no way he could fool Steve now, but not knowing what else to say. Steve shook his head, dismissing his answer. 

“No, you’re not.” He hesitated, then made up his mind. “Okay, do you think you can get up or do you still feel sick?” Bucky shrugged, then got his feet underneath himself and slowly stood up. Steve was hovering, but still didn’t touch him. Bucky took a moment to rinse his mouth out, then he hesitated. He was feeling like crap, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep again. 

“I think I’d like to take a shower,” he said. Steve nodded.

“Yeah sure. Do you want me to bring you some clothes?” Nodding.

“There’s a bag next to the couch, if you could-”

“Sure, I’ll be right back.”

Bucky spent the next ten minutes trying to convince his body to stop shaking, before he gave up and washed up quickly. He got dressed in a pair of jeans and a soft hoodie, then steeled himself for more hovering and left the bathroom. 

Steve was in the kitchen. He had made tea, there was a mug waiting for him on the table. 

“Do you want to go back to the living room or stay here?” Steve wanted to know. Bucky thought for a moment, then he sat down at the table. The couch would only make him feel more nauseous that he already felt. Steve nodded and sat down on the other side, even though it was kinda obvious that he would have prefered to be closed, to touch. Bucky might have allowed it, might have even welcomed it on any other occasion, but right now he knew he couldn’t be touched. 

They were silent for a few minutes, while Bucky was trying to hide that his hand was still shaking and Steve was drinking his tea. Then Steve took a deep breath, let it out slowly. 

“So, what happened?”

Right to the good stuff, apparently. 

“Dream,” Bucky murmured, not really willing to say more. Steve frowned. 

“What did you dream about?” Now Bucky was frowning, too. 

“I- nothing. Doesn’t matter.”

“Doesn’t matter?” Had Steve’s voice always been this loud or was it just now, in the darkness of the kitchen, that it suddenly felt looming, threatening almost. “Bucky you’re still crying and you haven’t stopped shaking since I found you. Don’t tell me it’s nothing, because it clearly isn’t.”

Bucky stared at him, eyes wide. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to tell Steve, not right now, not when the voices in his head where still so fresh, but he also felt like Steve would not just stop, wouldn’t let it go. 

“I- I don’t wanna talk about it right now,” Bucky said, his own voice almost drowning in the sea of abuse the voices in his head screamed at him. He tried to shake it off, tried to remember that Steve was only helping, that he didn’t know, couldn’t know what to do, but it didn’t work. Steve was frowning at him, clearly displeased with Bucky’s anwer and he didn’t know, didn’t know what to say, he was just tired, he didn’t- 

“I’m just trying to help you, Bucky. Please, you have to tell me what this is all about, I can’t-” He broke of, frustration obvious on his face. Bucky didn’t want to displease him, didn’t want to make him angry, because Steve would regret it, afterwards, but it seemed like Bucky wasn’t even able to please the one man that had helped him so much during these last days, that had done so much for him. 

“Bucky, tell me what I can do. I-”

And suddenly, it was too much. Bucky stood up. The chair made a loud sound as it was pushed over and Bucky hoped that he hadn’t woken up Sam now, too, because that was just his luck. Even the thought of the two of them ganging up on him was too much, to close, and he turned, ignoring Steve’s call. His hand was shaking as he grabbed his backpack and his jacket, not caring about the rest for the moment. He remembered to take his phone too, and then he turned, froze. Steve was standing in the hall, in front of the door, blocking the way. Bucky was shaking, and he knew that his face was wet again. Steve was talking to him, but he couldn’t hear, couldn’t understand. Didn’t care, either, he just wanted to get out. Then Steve took a step towards him, hands reaching out as if to touch and Bucky brought his backpack up in front of him. Steve stopped. 

“Please let me pass,” Bucky said, voice as calm as he could make it. Steve shook his head.

“No, Bucky, please. Let me help you, let me-”

“You need to let me go, now.” 

Steve stared at him for a moment, then he took a step to the side, opening up the way and before Bucky could hear whatever else he wanted to say, he left. Closed the door behind himself and ignored the way Steve called his name. He waited for a short moment, just to see if he would be followed, then he ran. Again.

Chapter Text

Steve watched Bucky practically slam the door behind him, and he could just stand there, feeling completely numb. He tried to run after him but his legs wouldn’t budge. What on earth had he done? 

“What the fuck happened?” He heard Sam say, he didn’t know how long he was already standing behind him, or how long Steve was staring at the door, for that matter. He turned to Sam and found his best friend frowning at him. 

“Dude, seriously. What did you do?” Sam asked again after Steve kept on staring at him, trying to make sense of what had just happened. 

“I, uh… I don’t know. Bucky was in the bathroom, and he didn’t feel well and he wouldn’t stop shaking and his lip was bleeding and he just wouldn’t tell me what was wrong and I don’t know, Sam… I think I pushed him too far, and now he’s gone. I didn’t mean it, I just wanted to help and he had me so worried and I didn’t know what to say I… ” Steve could feel the familiar stinging sensation in his eyes as they filled up with tears. He didn’t even try to hide them and just let them roll down his cheeks.

“Look, man, I get it. You didn’t know what to do and you wanted to help. But you can’t make people talk to you when they don’t want to. And it’s clear that Bucky didn’t want to.” Sam gave him a pitying look. 

“Come on, let’s sit down.” He took the tea that was meant for Bucky, sat down at the table and motioned Steve to do the same. 

“What do I do, Sam? I messed everything up and now he won’t ever want to talk to me again.” Steve practically sobbed, not knowing how to proceed. He wanted Bucky in his life and he didn’t want to lose him because he was too stupid to know when enough was enough. 

“Look, man. He’s just had a rough night, and it happens. You remember how Tony used to get? He locked himself up in his lab and just worked for days. That was his way of coping with things. Bucky also has a way of coping when things are bad and talking ain’t one of them. You just need to give him space to breathe, alright? And I doubt he’ll never talk to you again, I see the heart eyes he throws you. He’s got it bad for you, Rogers.” Sam chuckled and it made Steve’s eyes light up. 

“Come on, Sam don’t mess with me. But you really think he’ll talk to me again?” 

“Affirmative. But give him some time. Don’t call him tonight. He’s probably gone to Natasha’s. I suggest you call her tomorrow afternoon and ask if you can talk. She might maybe know what’s best for Bucky better than Bucky. That woman is… something.” He said, with a hint of admiration in his voice. Steve considered it and nodded.

“That sounds like a good idea. Shouldn’t I call Bucky though?” he asked after a minute. 

“I honestly wouldn’t. He might not want to talk to anyone for a while. Just call Nat and ask if you can meet up with her. It’s better to talk things out face to face. But be sure not to meet up with her somewhere where she can murder you.”

“Good tip” Steve smiled and downed the rest of his tea. 

As expected, he couldn’t fall asleep, but he didn’t have the energy to go out of bed and do something else, so he just kept trying. He must’ve dozed off at some point because he had some kinds of dreams but he couldn’t make out what they were. Weird stuff. Then his alarm rang and he had to get ready for work.

“Mornin’ roomie. Whoa, you look terrible” Sam noticed as Steve stumbled out his room. He handed him a mug of fresh coffee. They both drank their coffee in silence, taking in the soft morning sunlight that shone through the curtains. As Steve was about to leave, Sam reminded him to call Nat in the afternoon, at which Steve’s stomach made an uncomfortable churn. Right. He had to own up to how badly he messed up. That part didn’t bother him as much as the fact that he did, indeed, mess up. 

That morning passed in a whirlwind and his clients were a handful. The apartments were either too small, or too expensive, or too old, or all of the above, and he couldn’t properly focus. All he could think about is what he would say to Natasha. He really hoped Bucky was okay, and that he would eventually want to speak to him again. 

The afternoon finally came and Steve had a half hour before meeting with his next clients. The line rang. For a second he thought she wasn’t going to answer and almost hung up when she picked up. 

“Hello?” Steve gulped. 

“Hey, Natasha, it’s Steve.” 

“ Oh. Hi Steve.” Nat’s voice turned icy and Steve could feel his heart drop. 

“I don’t know exactly how much Bucky told you, heck, I don’t even know where he is-” 

“ I know where he is, don’t worry. He doesn’t really want to talk to you right now. ” She sounded professional. Distant, cold and as if she was trying to be civil but didn’t quite manage to get there.  

“I know, but I was wondering if we could meet up after work if you can? I know I really messed up and I’m so so sorry, I know that I didn’t react well and I wanted to at least talk to you. Is that possible? Can we talk?” The line went silent for a second and just as Steve was going to ask if she was still there, she answered

“ Alright, sure. Let me just check my schedule but I can come by tonight when you’re done with work. ” They decided to meet at the Starbucks near Steve’s office and hung up. Steve sighed. The first step is done. Now all he had to do was meet up with her. 

He managed to get off work a bit earlier than usual, so he ordered a latte in the Starbucks and sat down. The coffeeshop was busy this time of day, there were a bunch of high school students talking loudly and laughing in a corner, sipping on frappuccinos and hot chocolates, some businessmen like himself using the wifi to get some work done before heading home, and a couple that was clearly not paying attention to anyone else but each other. Steve decided to drink his coffee in silence and think about what he was going to say, getting more nervous with each minute that passed. He finally saw a small but fierce-looking woman walk up to him, and he stood up. 

“Thank you for meeting up with me, Natasha. What kind of coffee do you drink? I’ll get you something” He said and tried to sound aloof. It did not work. 

“Hello, Steve. Anything decaf, please.” She still sounded cold towards him and it made Steve want to cry. Why was he like this? He sat down again and placed her coffee in front of her. She stared at him, clearly waiting for him to start talking. 

“Alright I know how bad I messed up, and I’m so so sorry. I should’ve known better and I reacted badly, I know that.” Natasha’s look changed from cold to pitiful, even for just a second. 

“Well, thank you for apologizing. Can you tell me exactly what happened? James texted me last night to let me know where he was but not what happened.” She looked worried. 

“I woke up to the sound of him stumbling out of bed and throwing up in the bathroom, I didn’t know how to help him and he wanted to take a shower, and he wouldn’t stop crying. After that I asked him what was going on because I was quite frankly scared for him, I didn’t want him to run away, I just wanted to help him because I care about him” Steve didn’t care that tears were yet again in his eyes, threatening to spill over. Natasha pondered over what he had said, her expression unreadable. 

“Okay, thank you for telling me. I understand that you just wanted to help, Steve, but Bucky isn’t exactly a sharer.” She sounded almost resentful, but Steve knew better than to ask. 

“Is there any way I can do to make it better?” He asked, almost hopeful. Natasha smiled. 

“Just give him time. He’ll be at my place but I would give him some space. He’ll be fine, I know him. If he isn’t in the next few days, I’ll talk to him. Just don’t push him too much the next time you talk, okay?” Steve nodded and sighed. 

“Thank you, for meeting with me. Really. I care about Bucky and I was so worried, I mean I still am but I’m glad he has you.” He meant it. 

“You’re a good guy, Steve. I’m glad James has someone that cares about him this much, apart from me.” 

They finished their coffees and that was that. He offered to drive Natasha home but she refused, so he went into his car and took a minute to process the conversation. Bucky was going to be fine, he had Natasha and that’s enough for now. He’ll reach out when he’s ready, and Steve would make sure not to mess up next time. 

Chapter Text

Bucky didn’t know what to do. He thought about going to Nat’s place, but it was the middle of the night and she would probably kill him if he woke her up now. For some reason, he thought about going back to his old apartment, for a moment. The thought of seeing Rumlow right now made him shake even more, so that was probably not a good idea. 

He ended up in an overnight diner. It was almost empty, only a few patrons sitting in the corner, eying him but then obviously deciding that he wasn’t worth the trouble. He sat down in a booth, his backpack next to him. Fuck, all his stuff was still at Steve’s place. He hadn’t remembered to take anything else than his emergency backpack, which meant that he had some clothes to change, toiletries and some cash, but not much more. He had do go back to Steve’s place and get the rest of his stuff, eventually. Fuck, but he had nowhere to go. Not if Steve didn’t help them find an apartment. Fuck. 

He flinched when a hand suddenly appeared in his range of vision, putting down a cup of coffee in front of him. 

“Anything else?” the girl asked, looking bored and tired. No wonder, it was almost four am, not quite early enough to the city to wake up again. 

“I’m good, thanks,” he mumbled. The girl nodded and disappeared again. 

Fuck, what was he gonna do? He was still shaking, even as he pressed his hand to the warmth of the coffee cup. The voices were still there, taunting him, calling him names, telling him that they had been right all along. Yeah, he knew that. Didn’t change the fact that he felt like shit, right now. But maybe that had always been the goal, had always been what they wanted. For him to hate himself. He didn’t know what the truth was anymore, hadn’t really known for a while now. Maybe never. 

The waitress appeared next to him again, but this time she made enough noise for him to notice her early enough. She put down a plate in front of him. 

“Here. You look like you could need it.”

It was pie. He stared at it, stunned, feeling his eyes getting wet again. 

“Thank you,” he said, voice hoarse. She gave him a small smile. 

It was apple pie. Not quite his favourite, but still very good. It also reminded him of the fact that he had thrown up his dinner. He was actually hungry, even though he still felt kinda sick. But he couldn’t ignore the kindness, the way the girl - who was a virtual stranger - had wanted to do something nice for him. 

He was slowly starting to calm down. He was still feeling like crap, but his hand wasn’t shaking anymore and he felt like he could think again. God, what a mess. 

He realized that Steve had been trying to help, of course. He knew nothing about Bucky, not really, not about all the landmines in his past and yet he had been there, trying to help, to do whatever he could to make it easier. It didn’t surprise Bucky that he had freaked out, had demanded an explanation. Even though it had sucked and Bucky wished that he hadn’t, it was kinda understandable. Didn’t make it okay, though. 

He also knew that he had definitely freaked out more than Steve probably deserved. That as well wasn’t a surprise, with the nightmare and the voices shouting abuse at him. He knew it was abuse, he knew that, but it was hard. Hard to distinguish, to see they were wrong, when it was still so fresh, so raw, right after waking up. 

Eventually he drank a second cup of coffee and then pulled out his phone. Steve hadn’t tried to call him and Bucky wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or a bad one. He hesitated for a moment, but he was definitely not okay enough to talk to him yet. He opened the chat with Nat. Right. 

Can I come crash at your place for a while? It was almost early enough for Nat to be awake, so he wasn’t really surprised when she texted him back within five minutes.

What happened? No emojis, no nothing, which showed that she was worried. Also, he had no idea what to write back. What did happen? 

Freaked out. Steve pushed.

Are you safe? Right to the important stuff, apparently. 

Yes. That at least. 

Where are you?

Overnight diner. There was a short pause. 

What do you need? Ugh, as if he knew.

Idk. Time? Another pause. 

Okay. Come to my place whenever you’re ready. If you’re not there tonight I’ll come find you.  

Thanks Nat.  

Okay. He took a deep breath, put the phone back down. It was better, now that Nat knew. Now that he had a place to go, if only for a couple of days. It wasn’t big enough for two, and Nat’s landlord would freak out if he knew that Bucky crashed there. But then again, all his stuff was at Steve’s place either way, so he needed to find a solution anyway. 

It was weird, but now that the sun was coming up and he wasn’t freaking out as badly anymore, it all seemed kinda silly. Which made it even more difficult to decide what to do. 

It was early enough that Nat would still be at home, should he go to her place. Oh and fuck, he got work today. Which meant he either needed to make sure he was presentable within the next half hour (not happening) or calling in sick. Ugh. Luckily, his boss was pretty easy going and she knew that he sometimes had days where he couldn’t make it (and if she believed it was because his arm hurt, he wasn’t going to correct her). Which still left him with the question of what to do right now. 

It didn’t take him long to realize that he wanted to see Nat now. Needed to, really, because she would know what to do. She might also make him tea and send him to bed, which he usually hated but kinda wished for right now. Not having to explain would be nice. God, he kinda just wanted Steve to know, without Bucky having to tell him. He wanted him to know, so stuff like tonight didn’t happen anymore, but he definitely didn’t want Steve’s pity or anything like that. So maybe it was better he didn't know. But that would mean that Bucky couldn’t go back, couldn’t see him again. And however fucked up this night had been, that was not something he wanted. Even if he was very freaked out about the whole thing (including his own feelings, which he tried very hard not to think about right now). Okay, he needed Nat. 

He got up, left a healthy tip for the girl and made his way over to Nat’s place. As expected, she was still there, sitting on her bed (because she didn’t have a couch) and drinking tea. She looked worried and she got up as soon as he entered the apartment. 

He let himself be drawn into a hug. Okay. Things were going to be okay. Somehow. 

Chapter Text

It’s been a couple of days since his conversation with Nat and Steve still hadn’t heard anything from Bucky. He knew it would take a while for Bucky to talk to him but every minute hurt more than the last without Bucky. Sam tried his best to cheer him up but nothing really worked. He even organised an evening with Tony, Bruce, and Rhodey so they could talk about Tony’s wedding planning and his bachelor party. Steve was incredibly happy for Tony but all he could think of was Bucky. The morning after the dinner with Tony, Bruce, and Rhodey, he got a text message. His heart skipped a beat when he saw Bucky’s name appear on the screen. 

Hey Steve. I know that you only wanted to help and that I’ve been hard on you. Can we talk tonight after work? I’ll come by your place if you let me know what time you’ll be at home. 

Steve stared at the screen. Bucky finally texted him. And he wanted to talk ! Steve hastily texted back when he was going to be home and left to go to work. He wrote a note for Sam who was still asleep that Bucky would be coming in the evening and that he would appreciate it if he could have the apartment to themselves for at least an hour or two. 

Thankfully, his day wasn’t too busy so he could take his time between apartment showings to enjoy the summer sun. He ate his lunch in a park and watched the people that walked by. There was an old couple having their afternoon stroll, holding hands. Steve smiled at them as they passed, his heart filling with joy at the sight of the two elderly people. A dog came up to him, trying to get Steve to play with him, or maybe he just wanted some of his sandwiches. The owner ran up, apologising, trying to pry the dog away from Steve, who just laughed and pet him. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he said to the owner, “I absolutely love dogs. He’s so cute!” With one last scratch behind the ears, he let the dog run back to his owner, satisfied with the attention he has gotten. 

All in all, it had been a good day. He managed to find a place adequate for that couple that never liked anything, and they just called Steve to let him know they would like to make an offer for the last apartment they looked at. Feeling relieved that he finally managed to find a good home for this couple (he didn’t want to be mean but they were so difficult to please), he sent off all the paperwork for the lease and realised he was almost late to meet up with Bucky so he got ready to leave. On his way out, Sharon stopped him. 

“Oh, Steve, I heard about Tony and Pepper, please congratulate them for me!” Steve nodded and smiled, not wanting to be rude but also made it clear that he was in a hurry. 

“No worries, will do! Have a nice evening!” She smiled back at him as he more or less ran to his car, hoping Bucky wouldn’t already be at the apartment when he got home. Thankfully, Bucky arrived about ten minutes after Steve, so he had time to make some tea and prepare for what was about to come. Bucky seemed to be more terrified about this conversation than Steve, he was incredibly pale and as Steve hugged him, he could feel him shiver. He looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. 

“Hi, Bucky. How are you doing?” He asked, trying to sound casual but failing miserably. Bucky hesitated. 

“I’m getting better. Sorry for freaking out.” He looked around the room, apparently trying to look for an answer. Steve tried to calm him down somehow, without pushing him. 

“I made tea and cookies, you want to sit on the couch?” He let the path free for Bucky to walk to the couch. He looked relieved and sat down. 

“Thank you, Steve. And thank you for not being mad at me” Steve frowned at that comment. 

“Of course I’m not mad, Bucky! You’re my friend and I care about you, I just wanted to help and I crossed a line and I’ll never forgive myself for having pushed you into telling me something you didn’t want to share.”

“I think we both overreacted a bit, but thank you for saying that. If it helps, I’m not mad at you anymore. I mean Nat nearly killed me when I arrived at her place for having hurt you.” His mouth twisted into a smile. Almost. 

“Well, I think she almost killed me too, so I think we’re even. You’re lucky to have her. She’s a really good friend.” Steve wanted to put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, to give him some sort of comfort, anything. But he didn’t dare overstep a line again. 

“You know, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. Your past is your past and I get that you don’t want to share everything.” Steve said after a moment’s silence. He didn’t know what to expect then, but he certainly didn’t expect his eyes to fill with tears at that. 

“Thank you for sayin’ that Steve. I really appreciate it, ‘cause I just don’t feel comfortable talking about some things that happened to me. But I don’t wanna lie, not to you.” Bucky’s tears just kept coming, but he managed to keep his voice steady. Steve reached for the tissues on the table and handed him one, which Bucky gladly took. 

“I understand, and if you don’t wanna tell me what happened, that’s fine.”

“Thank you, really. Is it alright if I hug you?” Bucky asked, at which Steve could have laughed because Bucky could hug him, kiss him… Just anything that Bucky was also willing to do. He nodded and wrapped his arms around Bucky. 

After a minute, Bucky tried to compose himself again and took a deep breath. 

“I won’t go into detail about everything. Not now. But I had a really shitty childhood. Well, no. I had a good childhood until I came out. My parents were not accepting, to say the least. I mean they weren’t even accepting of me dancing ballet and I was forced to come out when I wasn’t necessarily ready, and it wasn’t very pleasant. Got beaten up a lot, got bullied a lot.” He took a deep breath to calm his shaky voice. Steve didn’t say anything and waited for Bucky to finish, even though he was so close to finding out who hurt Bucky so he could personally punch those bullies. 

“Some shit happened, I had to leave, and I managed to stay with Nat. I always danced, I never stopped. It was the only thing that gave me a reason to keep on going, you know? But then the accident happened and I couldn’t even do the only thing that gave me joy. I had to move out and that’s how I ended up with Rumlow. Did some sketchy work to get enough money to pay off my hospital bills and even got this shitty prosthetic. I mean it ain’t shitty, but I always wish I could get a better one, but with this job, I ain’t getting too far with this.” He gave Steve a pained smile and shook it off. Steve wanted nothing more than to pull him close, let him know that he was safe now, that he will do everything to help Bucky overcome this, just anything. Instead, he bit his lip and listened as Bucky continued. 

“But it doesn’t matter. I’m lucky enough to have great friends around me that help me through all the bullshit.” As they smiled at each other, Steve leaned in to hold Bucky in a tight hug. 

“Thank you for telling me that. I promise you that if ever this happens again, I won’t ever push you. Can I ask if there’s anything I can do if what happened, happens again? Like what can I do to calm you down?” Bucky wiped his eyes and smiled. 

“Honestly, there isn’t much you can do. Maybe just help my breathing get back to normal? Just… Be there for me, maybe? Honestly, I don’t know. But thank you for caring so much.” Bucky smiled and buried his face into Steve’s chest, breathing heavily. Steve couldn’t help himself and softly planted a kiss onto the top of his head, to which Bucky gently nuzzled his head over Steve’s chest. Steve didn’t know how long they sat there, just sitting like this, but when Sam came home, they were both asleep, in each other’s arms. Sam covered them in the comforter that was neatly folded at the end of the bed and let them be. They both seemed so exhausted. 

Chapter Text

Bucky woke up feeling warm and comfortable. For a moment, he wasn’t sure where he was, only that he felt safe. Then he recognized Steve’s apartment, his living room and the couch he’d been sleeping on these last couple of days. But only then, after another moment, he realized that the reason he was so warm and safe, was the fact that he was not alone. Steve was lying behind him, arms around his waist, holding him close. 

This should have been a reason for concern, something that might even freak Bucky out, but it had been ages since he’d felt that relaxed and comfortable and it was just too nice right now to freak out about it. He still would, probably, but later. Alone, hopefully, because he didn’t think his friendship with Steve would survive another breakdown so soon. Steve would only feel guilty and then they’d have to actually talk about it, which was not something that Bucky was ready to do right now. Or anytime in the near future. 

The only problem was that he desperately needed to pee. He tried to hold out for another moment, to not have to leave the warmth of Steve’s arms, but eventually he had to get up. He tried to extract himself as carefully as possible and he managed to get up without waking Steve up. He stood there for a moment, watching him sleep, cuddling a pillow now that Bucky was gone. It was cute. 

But apparently he hadn’t been quiet enough, because when he came back, Steve was sitting up, rubbing his eyes and looking confused. Which made sense, since he probably didn’t usually sleep on the couch, seeing as he had a perfectly good bed just a few steps away. He looked up at Bucky when he came into the room, then at the couch again. Then- he blushed? 

“Bucky, I’m sorry,” he said, rubbing his hands over his face. What?

“What? Why?” 

“I didn’t- I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you like that, I-” But Bucky was already shaking his head.

“It’s fine, Steve. I guess we were both tired.” More blushing. Why was Steve blushing?

“Yeah, I guess. Breakfast?”

Bucky nodded, following Steve to the kitchen, but the easy feeling from before was gone. Now it just felt awkward. They were both standing in the kitchen for a moment, looking at each other and trying not to be too obvious about it, not really knowing what to do. After a moment, Bucky suddenly shook himself.

“Coffee,” he said. Steve nodded and they had another awkward moment when both of them reached for the coffee pot at the same time. Their hands bumped into each other, which made Steve blush again. Seriously, what was it with the blushing today? Eventually, Bucky grabbed the coffee pot while Steve decided to make pancakes. It was quiet while they waited for the coffee to brew and the pancake batter to be done. Then Bucky filled two mugs, set one down next to Steve and then went and sat down himself, if only so he wasn’t standing in Steve’s way. He wished he could just go back to that feeling he’d had when he woke up, relaxed and safe. Not that he wasn’t still feeling safe, but they both were far from relaxed right now. It was only after they both had had some coffee and sat down to eat that the mood changed and the awkwardness disappeared. They were talking about the different apartments that they’d seen so far, what was good about them and what Bucky didn’t like so much. It didn’t take long for Bucky to realize that he really wanted to go back to the last one they had seen and take Nat with them, because he had a feeling that this one would be it. 

“I need to call Nat anyway, do you want me to ask her when she has time?” he asked. “What would be good for you?” Steve checked his phone. 

“Actually, this afternoon would be good. Anytime after three o’clock, I’d be free.”

Bucky nodded and then went to call Nat while Steve was preparing for work. 

“Where are you?”, was the first thing she wanted to know, as soon as she picked up.

“Steve’s place. I’m fine, we fell asleep on the couch.”

“We?” Damnit Nat, why did she alway latch on the thing Bucky did not want to talk about? 

“Yeah, we were talking and then we fell asleep. It’s not- nothing happened.” Nat was already laughing at him, which didn’t really surprise him, to be honest. 

“I didn’t say anything,” she said, grin audible in her voice. He rolled his eyes, already feeling easier and calmer. 

“Brat. Okay listen, there’s this apartment I really want to go look at with you. Do you have time this afternoon? Maybe after practise?”

“Yeah, I have practise until four, so maybe around 4.30? I could meet you there?”

“That sounds perfect.”

“So, what are you gonna do now?” Bucky hesitated. Good question.

“Now as in during the next couple of hours or now as in-” He broke off, not really knowing how to finish that sentence. He also knew that he didn’t have an answer to that question. Nat laughed.

“Now as in until this afternoon. You don’t have work today, do you?”

“No, it’s my free day. I don’t know, to be honest. Maybe I’ll go to the library or something like that.”

“Okay. Text me if there’s a change of plan, okay? I need to get ready.”

“Will do. See you later.”

With that he hung up and stared at his phone for a while. Natasha was right, what was he gonna do now? He couldn’t just stay here while Steve was at work, could he?

“So, I’m off to work. Do you know more about this afternoon?” Steve asked, effectively distracting Bucky from his own thoughts.

“Oh yeah. She has practise until four, so she’ll meet us there at 4.30, is that okay?”

“Yeah, that’s good. Do you still have your key?” 

“I- yeah, right I forgot to give it back to you.” He was already reaching for his backpack, but Steve shook his head. 

“No, keep it. I mean, you can go, of course, but you could also stay here if you want.” He was blushing again. What even? “Sam is still sleeping, but he’s probably gonna get up soon and I’m sure he’ll be happy to have some company today. I mean- if you want- I-” He broke off, flustered. Bucky smiled.

“Sure, that sounds good. Thanks Steve.” 

“No problem.” How far down did that blush go? Okay no, bad thoughts Bucky. 

“So, I’ll see you at 4.30?”

“Yeah. Oh crap, I need to go, I’m late.”

Bucky nodded and then he couldn’t help laughing as he watched Steve run around the apartment, collecting his stuff. He was almost running by the time he had everything and he only stopped for a moment next to Bucky, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek and then leaving the apartment with a “see you tonight,” thrown over his shoulder. Bucky was left standing there, dumbfounded, his hand touching his cheek and wondering what the hell this had just been. Not that he was complaining, not at all.

Bucky was sitting at the table with another cup of coffee, still thinking about the last night and this morning, when Sam got up. He shuffled into the kitchen, stared at him for a moment and then made a beeline for the coffee pot. Fortunately, there was still enough left for another cup. 

“So. You’re still here.” It wasn’t a question, and yet it immediately made Bucky feel like he should go, like he was invading Sam’s space (which he was, no matter what Steve had said).

“Sorry, I- I can-”

“Oh hey, no. Sorry, not awake enough for proper intonation yet. It’s fine, I’m glad you’re here. Steve was pretty worried about you. Did you guys talk last night?”

Bucky nodded, still not feeling too sure about this, but at least he could now see that Sam was indeed relaxed about him being here.

“Yeah, we talked some. And then we fell asleep.” Sam grinned.

“Yeah, saw that,” he said. Now it was Bucky who was blushing, for some reason.

Chapter Text

As Steve gently closed the door behind him, he suddenly blushed furiously for about the sixth time that morning. What on earth had he just done? He just kissed Bucky. On the cheek. Just because he could. Keep it in your pants, Rogers . He needed a moment for his breathing to get back to normal, and then he smiled to himself. Maybe it was just a trick of the light but he was pretty sure that Bucky was blushing before he left. The fact that he possibly made Bucky Barnes blush made his insides turn to mush. There was no going back now and he needed to get to work. 

He needed to work at the office until three but he reserved the late afternoon for Bucky and Nat so he could show them the apartments they were most interested in. He couldn’t wait to see Bucky again. He felt so stupid, like a little girl with a schoolyard crush, but he couldn’t help himself. Bucky was just such a wonderful human being and he wanted to protect him and be with him no matter what. Trying to shake the memory of Bucky blushing after Steve had kissed him on the cheek, he actually managed to get all his work done with ten minutes to spare to get to the first apartment.  

Luckily he had a bit more time because the traffic was a nightmare and Bucky and Natasha were already there when he pulled up in the driveway. As he walked up to them, Bucky held out a cup of coffee and Steve could’ve kissed him. He didn’t have the time to drink a coffee since the morning and he was dying for a dose of caffeine. He took a long sip, sighing at the rush of energy that washed over him. 

“Thank you so much, Bucky. I think I owe you my life” He smiled at Bucky and noticed Natasha smirking at him. He gave her a look that was supposed to mean “what? I love coffee” but she just shook her head. 

“Alright you dorks, can we please get inside and look at the apartment?” Natasha asked, sounding impatient. As Steve walked past her to open the door, however, she gave him a little wink. 

He opened the door and led them to the elevator because the apartment was on the fourth floor. The elevator was pretty small, so Nat declared she was going to walk up the stairs. 

“Have fun, you guys. I’ll see you in a bit” She left with a smirk on her lips and Steve couldn’t help to think that she purposefully left him and Bucky alone. They still had some space in the elevator but it would have been quite tight for three people. 

“Hi,” Steve said softly as he stood not even a foot away from Bucky. 

“Hi” he answered back as the door closed and he pressed the button, not once breaking eye contact with Steve. 

“How was your day?” 

“It was nice, I went to the library. I read a really interesting book about Norse Mythology.”

“Is that so?” Steve said, almost in a whisper. It would’ve been so easy to just lean in and kiss him.

“You’ll have to tell me about that sometime” He smiled softly and leaned in. Bucky’s breathing seemed to shorten as he closed his eyes. He almost kissed him when the elevator door opened. Thankfully, Nat wasn’t there yet but Steve could hear her footsteps come up the stairs so he pulled Bucky out before the door closed again. 

“Sorry” Bucky whispered. Steve looked confused at that apology, Bucky had nothing to be sorry for. He didn’t have time to ask him about it, however, because Natasha came around the corner, out of breath. 

“Did I miss anything?” She gave Bucky a smile and he looked down. Trying to change the subject before Nat asked what happened in the elevator he unlocked the door. 

“Alright, we ready?” He let both Nat and Bucky in and closed the door behind him. 

“Okay so, apartment number one. I have got to say this is my absolute favorite, not because it’s really close to one of the best sushi restaurants in New York.” He showed them around and told them a bit about the apartment. After about half an hour Natasha turned to Steve. 

“Alright, I think we’ve seen enough.” The comment made Steve frown. He thought he had really hit the nail on the head with this apartment. It was in their budget, roomy and the kitchen was really big. 

“We’ve seen enough because I want to move in here right now. Where do I sign?” Steve sighed in relief and looked at Bucky. 

“What do you think? Is this your new apartment?” 

“When can we move in?” Bucky looked at Natasha and took her hand she extended towards him. Steve got his briefcase where he had the papers for the lease. Nat and Bucky both scribbled their names at the bottom after having read through the contract. Steve gave them some more papers they would need to read through and fill in. 

“Should we go back to the apartment to celebrate? We can get Pizza if we’re hungry” Nat instantly nodded. 

“I mean I really shouldn’t but… A slice won’t hurt, right? Plus we can fill out all those papers tonight, too.” 

“Alright cool! Let’s go!” Steve reached for his briefcase and his car keys he left on the kitchen counter. 

Steve went into the kitchen to make some tea as Nat and Bucky sat on the couch and started looking through the documents Steve gave them. They were whispering to each other and giggling like little kids and it made Steve feel so happy for them. He set the tea in front of them and went into his room to get changed out of his suit into something a bit more comfortable. He checked his phone and quickly sent a message to Sam to let him know that Bucky and Nat are staying over for dinner. He also saw a message from Bruce and his heart dropped. He completely forgot that tomorrow Bruce, Rhodey and Tony were supposed to come over for drinks. He needed to ask Bucky if it was okay. He kind of wanted Bucky to meet his friends but he didn’t want to overwhelm him.  

Sam came home an hour later with four pizzas. 

“I didn’t know what you all wanted so I got two plain, one with mushrooms and one with pepperoni because it’s my favorite” He placed the boxes onto the table and walked over to say hi to everyone. 

“Sam you are a saint” Steve hugged him and went to get plates to put the pizzas on. Bucky came into the kitchen to help him. Why was he so perfect again? 

“Oh, by the way, Bucky I wanted to ask you something, and I’m sorry that this is so short notice.” Bucky stared at him with wide eyes, waiting for Steve to continue. 

“So some of my friends are coming over for drinks tomorrow evening and I wanted to know if you wanted to meet them. If it’s too much and if you’d rather stay at Nat’s or something, I completely understand I just didn’t want to overwhelm you and-”

“Steve, it’s fine. Really. I’d love to meet your friends. Can I go and hide in your room if it’s too much for me though?” Bucky asked, almost jokingly but Steve frowned. 

“Anything you need, Bucky. I can’t wait for you to meet them all though. They’re really wonderful, wonderful people.” Steve loved his friends and was happy Bucky was going to meet them. 

Chapter Text

Steve’s friends were nice, if a bit weird and kinda overwhelming, Bucky decided. Or maybe it was just the combination of the four of them. Rhodey seemed like a pretty chill guy, and Bruce was mostly just calm and almost a bit shy. Tony was- Bucky didn’t know what Tony was, apart from all over the place, apparently. He was always talking and always seemed to want to have all the attention on himself. It could have been annoying, but it only took Bucky about half an hour to realize that it was a strategy. Tony made sure all the attention was on him whenever Bruce seemed to become too overwhelmed with it. And it only took Bucky another short moment to see that he did the same him Bucky himself. Whenever it was too much, too fast, too new and Bucky just wanted to hide for a minute, he suddenly found that all the attention in the room had moved over to Tony, who was gushing about his wife-to-be or talking about a new project. It was- kind. 

So while Bucky did notice a lot about Tony, he was still kinda surprised when after dinner, Tony’s focus suddenly fell on him. It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t ever very obvious. It was just the fact that Tony sat down next to him on the couch and handed him a beer. That in itself wasn’t special at all, but the fact that he was kinda zoning in on Bucky’s prosthetic- well, that was special. Also not very comfortable. 

“That’s useless,” Tony said, staring at the arm. 

“I- what?”

“The arm. It’s useless.” Bucky hated the prosthetic most days, complained to Nat at least once a week about how stupid that piece of shit was, but he still suddenly felt the need to protect it. Or maybe he just really didn’t like having all that attention on him. It was weird, for all that Tony had been careful and observing over dinner, he now suddenly seemed to be unable to read Bucky at all. Luckily, his friends were better at it.

“Tony, leave the poor guy alone. He’s not used to you yet,” Rhodey said, just as Tony was reaching out to take Bucky’s arm in his hand. The movement suddenly stopped and Tony looked at Bucky with wide eyes. 

“Oh. Oh fuck I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to- Sorry, I can go, I-”

“Hey, no wait. I- I just don’t really know what you want from me, to be honest?” Tony stared at him for another moment, then he took a deep breath. 

“Okay so, I noticed that your prosthetic was kinda shit and then I started to think about ways to improve it and then I got lost in thoughts. Like, there are so many things I could do, so I didn’t really, you know, think about it. I just wanted to have a look.” He took another deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment. “That’s what happens when I go outside without Pepper,” he said, a small grin on his face. Bucky snorted. 

“Okay. I mean, you can have a look, but I’m warning you, it’s- well, as you said, it’s pretty much useless.” Tony nodded, this time waiting until Bucky extended his arm before touching. 

Tony spent a couple of minutes prodding the arm, sometimes asking questions that Bucky was pretty sure were more for his benefit than for Tony’s - he already seemed to know all the answers. After about five minutes of muttering to himself and turning the arm this way and that way, he let go and looked at Bucky. The sudden attention was weird, almost as if Tony had forgotten that the arm was actually attached to someone. 

“So… What happened?”

That was very much not the follow up question that Bucky had been expecting. People usually didn’t- well, they usually just ignored the fact that he was missing an arm, or looked at him with pity or poorly concealed curiosity. They wanted to ask, Bucky knew that, but they usually didn’t. But then again, Tony had already warned him that tact was not his greatest strength, so maybe Bucky should have been more prepared. And indeed, the longer it took for Bucky to answer, the more insecure Tony suddenly looked. 

“Shit, was that another one of these questions that I shouldn’t ask? Sorry, I-” But again, Bucky shook his head. 

“I wasn’t expecting it, that is true.” Tony nodded. 

“It’s just, the more I know, the easier it is to see.”

“To see what?”

“How it all works.”

“Oh. Okay. Well-” He hesitated. He still hated talking about the accident, but maybe this could be a good exercise. He needed to learn how to talk about stuff that he didn’t want to. Or at least some of the stuff, because some things better stayed hidden forever. If he never even had to think about any of- okay, wrong direction. He shrugged. 

“Accident. I used to dance ballet, and one day one of the headlights over the stage came crashing down. Would have hit my partner, so I kinda threw her out of the way. Which meant that I didn’t have enough time to- well, do the same for myself. I guess we were lucky that is was only a rehearsal, because it wasn’t pretty.”

He knew that both Steve and Sam were listening as well, but he did his best to focus all of his attention on Tony, because right now that was the only thing that kept him from escaping. Not that he had anywhere to go. 

Tony was looking at him, nodding along to his story. 

“Okay. Okay, I can work with that. Gonna have to think about-” He broke off for a short moment and then all that Bucky could understand was Tony muttering about one thing or another. It sounded a bit like science fiction, if he was being perfectly honest. It didn’t take long for Rhodey to appear again. He gave him a soft “thank you”, which mostly confused Bucky, who had no idea what he was being thanked for, and then lead Tony away. A moment later, Steve sat down next to Bucky. Right, he had had an audience after all. 

“That was really kind of you, Bucky,” he said with a soft smile. “And really brave, too.”

“Kind? How so?” Steve smiled.

“Tony is an amazing guy, but he can be- weird, I guess. Most people don’t indulge him when he’s like that, all focused on something. It’s good for him to have a project once in a while. Keeps his mind of being nervous about the wedding.” He grinned.

“A project?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” He laughed. “”I’ll protect you if Tony gets too- crazy.” Bucky snorted. 

“I’m not actually sure if that makes me feel better.” Steve stared at him with wide eyes. 

“How can you say that, Bucky! I’m gonna be your knight in shining armour, protecting you from the crazy alchemist. Or dragon? I don’t know how the story goes,” he said, laughter in his voice. Bucky rolled his eyes. 

“Why am I the damsel in distress?” That sent both Steve and Sam into a laughing fit, which wasn’t the worst way to end an evening with friends, Bucky thought. Especially since he also seemed to have made some new friends along the way. He smiled, looking over at Steve and his group of weirdos. Steve smiled back and by now it was almost impossible to ignore the funny feeling in his belly whenever Steve directed that special smile of his at Bucky. Well, he’d have to try harder, then.

Chapter Text

The next week went by in a whirlwind. Steve took a couple of days off work to help Bucky and Nat move even though they insisted it was alright, that they could do it themselves. Normally Steve would not try as hard to help people move but he did pride himself on his kindness and he would give anything to spend as much time as possible with Bucky. Steve loved having Bucky around, and every day he spent with him he felt himself fall a bit more for him. He was so gentle and sweet with everyone around him and the way he and Tony got along made Steve so happy. Tony was happy he could help Bucky get a better prosthetic and Bucky was glad he could help Tony develop better prosthetics for people in similar situations as Bucky. Steve wished the move would last longer than it did, which was maybe an odd wish for anyone who didn’t know Steve’s situation. Before Steve left the apartment with the last box in his arms, ready to drive over the new apartment, Sam stopped him. 

“Look, man. I’m gonna say something and you should listen to me”

“Whoa-oh… Am I in trouble?” Steve laughed but looked attentively at Sam. 

“No, but you’re going to be if you don’t make a move on Bucky.” Steve’s ears burned hot red at that comment. 

“Wh- what do you mean?” Steve tried not to let his stutter show, a tic that came back when he was nervous. 

“Seriously, dude. I’m sick and tired of seeing the both of you givin’ each other those lovesick puppy eyes. You’ve both got a thing for each other. We get it. Just ask him on a date.” Sam smiled but something in his eyes told Steve that he really meant it. 

“Yeah, you’re right. Okay, I will. You can stop giving me that look.” Steve walked to the door as Sam shouted something about not backing out at the last second. Steve had to smile to himself. If he was being that obvious, Bucky must’ve picked up on his pining, right? 

“Are those all the boxes?” Bucky asked as Steve came through the door. 

“Yep, just got a couple more things in the car,” Steve said as he set down the box on the kitchen counter. The apartment was a cluster of boxes, some already opened, some empty. There were empty IKEA boxes on the floor and bits of furniture lying around. Ah, the joys of moving. 

“I’ll get the rest,” Nat said as she got up from the newly built table. As she passed Steve she whispered “Sam told me you needed to talk to Bucky” Steve blushed a crimson red as she smirked at him and walked out the door. 

“Everything okay?” Bucky asked, looking concerned. 

“Oh, yeah, totally. E- everything’s fine.” Steve took a deep breath and continued. 

“Actually, I wanted to ask you something.” Steve noticed that Bucky looked nervous at that comment, if only for a second. Bucky was good at only showing a flicker of his true emotions. 

“Ask away,” he said with maybe a bit too much enthusiasm. Steve tried not to stammer too much. 

“Well, I was wondering if you wanted to get… dinner. Tonight. With me. Just the two of us.” There, he said it. 

“Oh, sure! I’d love to” Bucky said, he looked as if he was taken completely by surprise. 

“Alright, cool!” Steve smiled at Bucky, not sure what to say now. He looked around the apartment. 

“Do you need help with unpacking or building some of the furniture? I’m terrible at reading IKEA instructions but if you tell me what to do, I can try to make myself useful.” Bucky smiled. 

“Yeah, that’d be great! We’re gonna try to set up our beds so we don’t have to sleep on mattresses tonight and then maybe a shelf or two. Should be fun.” Steve couldn’t help but chuckle at that. He absolutely hated building furniture but the fact he could do that with Bucky made him a little more enthusiastic. 

At around 4 pm, they were done with building both beds and Steve was surprised that Nat hadn’t murdered him yet. In fact, he was surprised at how much patience she had because Steve had no idea what he was doing. Beds built, they sat down and had a much-needed coffee. 

“You can go home if you want, Steve. Get ready for tonight.” Nat said as Bucky was out of earshot. 

“What do you mean?” Steve said, which made Nat roll her eyes. 

“Your date . I know you asked him out. I kind of eavesdropped before.” Nat gave Steve a sly smirk and Bucky came back from the kitchen with a bowl of cookies. 

“What are you whispering about?” He asked, smiling at Steve. Dear God, he’s pretty . 

“Oh, not much. I just told Steve that he could go home if he wanted because he was already such a great help to us. We can set up a shelf just the two of us, right James?” 

“Definitely.” Bucky squeezed Nat’s shoulder and planted a kiss on her forehead. 

“Alright, well I’d best be taking off. If you need any of my exemplary IKEA furniture building skills, you know where to find me. I’ll see you tonight? I’ll pick you up at six?” Steve ignored Natasha’s grin as he said that, and if he wasn’t mistaken, Bucky blushed. 

“Yeah, that sounds good. See you!” Bucky answered, trying to keep a poker face but failing miserably. 

He walked over to say goodbye to Natasha and hugged Bucky. It took all of his willpower not to kiss him goodbye. They weren’t there just yet. 

As Steve got home, he called his favorite sushi restaurant to see if they had a table for him, and luckily they weren’t booked out yet. He stood in front of his closet when Sam came home. Steve didn’t notice him until he stood next to him, 

“Trying to see if you can find Narnia?” 

“I- wh- no, I’m not” Steve answered, startled. 

“Why are you looking at your closet like it has all the secrets of the universe, then?” Sam smiled and added, “So you asked him out, then?”

“Yeah, I’m really nervous and I don’t know what to wear.” Steve started looking through his shirts that were neatly hung up on the left side of his closet. 

“You don’t have to look like freakin’ Prince Charming, dude. Just pick out something simple, he’s so smitten with you that even if you wore a garbage bag as a dress he’d still like you.” Steve blushed at that comment because just the thought of Bucky liking him made his brain turn to mush. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right. Thanks, man” Sam went to the kitchen to make himself a coffee and Steve decided to wear a button-up shirt and a pair of jeans so he didn’t look as if he was attending a business meeting but still looked presentable. With a last nervous glance back at Sam, he closed the door behind him and went to his car. 

Chapter Text

So. A date. Or maybe not? A- dinner, at least, that much was for sure. Just a friendly dinner between two friends. Just two pals being pals and oh god he needed to stop now. He needed to get a grip. 

Bucky stood in front of a lot of boxes in the middle of his room (or at least it would be his room at some point, for now it had a bed and- well, boxes), trying to figure out what he was gonna wear. And yes, he was very aware that he fulfilled about every cliche there was right now. Fuck, what if this was really meant to be a simple dinner between friends? And maybe even worse, what if it was not? Bucky couldn’t- If this was a date, he couldn’t- what if they found out? What if-

“James?” He had been so lost in thought that he hadn’t heard Natasha open the door. She was looking at him, eyes worried and posture consciously relaxed, as if trying not to scare him. Fuck, was it really that bad?

“Nat, what am I doing?” he whispered. He sounded desperate even to his own ears. 

“You’re getting ready for your date with Steve,” she said, as if small words would help him understand. As if it would make anything easier. 

“I- I can’t, what if…” He broke off. He could see his right hand shaking, so he stuffed it into his pocket, as if that would be any less obvious. 

“Is it Steve who makes you nervous, the thought of going on a date with him?” she asked. He hesitated, shrugged. No, Steve didn’t really make him nervous. They knew each other, they’ve spent time together before. “Or is it the thought of them knowing, of what they did to you? Of what they-” She broke off. Her voice was still calm and pleasant but Bucky wasn’t fooled. She was furious, as she always was on his behalf, when she thought about what had happened. And she was right. It wasn’t Steve who made him nervous. It was them. He nodded, just a tiny little movement, but enough for Nat so see. 

“Then you have nothing to worry about. They’re not here, they have no power over you here. And most importantly, James, they are wrong. What they told you, what they made you believe is wrong and they are bad, they are evil for doing it. You deserve this. You deserve to go on that date with Steve and to have a good time and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Or Steve for that matter.” She paused for a moment and Bucky realized he was crying. He couldn’t move, couldn’t say anything, couldn’t do anything else than take it. He knew it was true, on a rational level he did know it, but god that didn’t mean it hurt any less. “And James? I know you, I know you don’t believe that Steve doesn’t deserve this, right? You don’t think Steve shouldn’t be allowed to go on a date with whom he wanted and that he is disgusting for being attracted to more than just women. You don’t believe that, do you?” she asked and Bucky was already shaking his head. He knew where she was going with this, of course, but he couldn’t- there was nothing wrong with Steve, not a single thing and he couldn’t bear the thought of anyone believing that Steve didn’t deserve the world. Even if: “Then you know that the same thing counts for you as well, James. If Steve deserves this date, deserves to go on a date with whomsoever he wants, then so do you!”

He was shaking, full out crying by now and he couldn’t stop. But apparently Nat had said whatever it was that she wanted to say and a moment later she was there, wrapping him into a hug and whispering sweet nothings into his hair. She guided him over to the bed and made him lay down with her. They stayed there for a while, until Bucky had no tears left. He felt- exhausted somehow, but also lighter. Natasha was looking at him, softly stroking his hair. 

“I’m sorry if that was too harsh,” she began, but he shook his head. 

“No. No, I needed this, I think. I- god, why is this so hard?” He broke off again, buried his head in Nat’s shoulder for a moment. Then he took a deep breath. “Okay. I deserve this date,” he said, voice not as firm as it could be but right here, right now he did believe it. Then he suddenly stared at Nat with wide eyes. “Oh fuck, what if it actually isn’t a date?!” Natasha laughed, like the traitor she was. 

“It is a date. One that you only have twenty minutes left to get ready for, by the way.” She laughed at the way he frantically jumped out of bed. Fuck, he was a mess, he couldn’t go on a date like that. And he still didn’t know what to wear. 

“I don’t know what to wear,” he said, hoping that he looked pathetic enough for her to take pity on him. She grinned, rolled her eyes. 

“You’re a disaster gay, you know that? Go take a shower, I’ll find you some good clothes.” He pressed a quick his on her cheek. 

“You’re the best, Nat,” he murmured, knowing she’d understand that he meant more than just the clothes. 

Twenty minutes later he was showered, had somehow done his hair and was dressed in black skinny jeans, a dark button down with a subtle floral print that he loved but never actually wore (he didn’t have time to go find something else, so he had to live with Nat’s choice and hope for the best. He had to admit that he did look good in it though), black boots and a leather jacket. There was nothing to be done about the slight puffiness of his eyes, but at least they weren’t red anymore. He hesitated for a moment, looking at Nat’s makeup bag and wishing he had the courage for some kohl or eyeliner. He didn’t. 

Steve was helping Nat building a shelf when Bucky found them in the living room. Or rather, Steve was holding pieces of wood the way Nat told him to, looking slightly confused as if he wasn’t really sure how he had come from picking Bucky up to building a shelf in probably less than two minutes. Bucky laughed.

“Hey, leave my date alone, he’s done enough work for the day.” Bucky couldn’t help noticing Steve’s blush at being called his date. He looked very pleased and gave Bucky a smile that was almost as beautiful as the first rays of sunlight after a stormy night. Or something like that, Bucky was distracted, okay, he wasn’t good at metaphors. 

“Ready to go?” Steve asked as he got up. Bucky nodded. 

“Have fun kids,” Nat called as they made their way through the boxes still standing around to the door. 

“Don’t wait up,” Bucky called back just before the door closed behind them. Then they were standing in the hallway for a moment, suddenly alone and unsure what to do with it. It only lasted a couple of seconds, then they both started laughing. 

“Let’s go?” Steve asked as he laid his hand on the small of Bucky’s back. The touch was barely there but it was enough to short circuit Bucky’s brain. He nodded dumbly, hoping it wasn’t too obvious. He didn’t want to draw attention to the touch, didn’t want Steve to take his hand away. Oh fuck, there was no way he was gonna survive this date. He smiled. He was so looking forward to it. 

Chapter Text

During the entire drive to the restaurant, Steve and Bucky nervously glanced at each other. Steve tried to keep the small talk going because he wasn’t sure what to say. He was probably just nervous and he had to concentrate on driving. As soon as they would be at the restaurant it would be alright. Steve turned on the radio and a song by Abba came on. 

“Oh, I love this song!” Bucky exclaimed as he turned up the sound and started singing along to it, which made Steve smile. He could never remember the lyrics to songs and was amazed at anyone who was able to sing any song perfectly. 

“You have a really beautiful voice,” Steve said after the song had finished. He could only watch Bucky from the corner of his eye but he knew that Bucky was blushing. 

“Thanks.” He said in a small voice. Steve wished he could tell him just how amazing he thought Bucky was in a way that Bucky would believe him. 

As they parked the car by the restaurant, Steve could notice Bucky’s smile falter a bit. 

“This looks way fancier than I had anticipated” He looked around as if there were another restaurant that would be less expensive-looking as the one Steve had parked in front of, which was unlikely because the restaurant Steve had chosen was right by the lake. 

“I’ve been here a couple of times, the food is really good. Plus, it’s my treat.” Steve looked at Bucky who looked around hesitantly. “Are you alright?” Steve tried to figure out if bringing him here was a mistake, he wanted tonight to go perfectly. Bucky took a deep breath and looked at Steve. 

“Yeah. Just not used to it, that’s all.” He smiled and stepped out of the car. 

Bucky seemed to relax once they were sitting at their table. Steve hesitated to take Bucky’s hand, he didn’t want to scare him. 

“You sure you’re okay here? We can go somewhere else, there’s a shake shack near here if you want.” Steve gave Bucky a worried look, who took a deep breath and smiled. 

“It’s fine. It’s a bit out of my comfort zone, but I mean I’m here with you and that’s oddly calming.” Then, Bucky reached out and gently placed his hand on top of Steve’s. Just that was enough for Steve’s brain to short-circuit. He looked at Bucky, into those soft, blue eyes and he could have kissed him there and then. 

Just as Steve wanted to lean over, the waitress came over to give them the menus. 

“The names are so fancy here.” Bucky laughed as he pondered the Menu. 

“The food is really good here. I mean I try to eat vegetarian as often as possible but sometimes I crave sushi and I just can’t help myself. This is the best sushi in town, guaranteed. 

“I’ll take your word for it” Bucky smiled as the waitress came over to take their order. 

After there was nothing left of their meal, Bucky leaned back into his chair. 

“That was by far one of the best meals I’ve had in my life. It was also the first time I’ve had Sushi since-” Bucky stopped talking, shook his head and smiled. “Doesn’t matter.” 

Steve gave Bucky an empathetic smile and reached for his hand. 

“Hey how about we get out of here? We can take a walk along the water and sit somewhere, I know a great spot where we can sit and just hang out for a bit. It’s a quiet spot and I think you’ll like it” 

“Sounds perfect.” Bucky squeezed Steve’s hand and it made Steve’s heart skip a beat. He called for the cheque and hoped that Bucky would not see how furiously he was blushing. 

“Lead the way, Captain” Bucky smirked when they were out of the restaurant. It was a warm summer evening, the sun was already set and there was only the sound of the New York traffic up ahead that broke the silence. Steve led Bucky to the place he was talking about. It was right by the water and at this time, there was not a soul to be seen. They sat at the edge and let their feet dangle dangerously close to the water. 

They sat in silence for a while, none of them daring to break the peaceful moment they were having. After what seemed like a long time but was probably just two minutes, Steve decided to gently take Bucky’s hand in his. 

“I’m really glad we’re doing this. I really like you, you know.” Steve looked at Bucky who seemed to be even more beautiful than before. How was that possible? 

“Me too,” Bucky answered and leaned in closer to Steve. 

“Can I kiss you?” Steve asked, his voice so quiet, he couldn’t even properly hear himself. Bucky seemed to understand, however, because he nodded and closed the little distance that was left between them. He tasted just as Steve had imagined. Warm, soft, sweet. His stomach was so full of butterflies he could feel it almost burst of happiness. Steve cupped Bucky’s cheek as he deepened the kiss. He felt so familiar somehow as if this is where they were always meant to be. Together. 

“Where have you been all my life?” Steve asks as they finally break apart their kiss. Bucky was still in a haze, staring at Steve. 

“I- mhm. Wow.” Was all he managed to say. 

They sat there for another while, hand in hand, talking about little things, unimportant things, just enjoying each other’s company. 

“Oh, man… It’s late, we should get going.” Steve said as he checked his phone. He saw Sam left him some messages but he decided to tend to that after he had dropped Bucky off at home. 

“Are you trying to get rid of me, Rogers?” Bucky asked, trying to sound serious but failing miserably. 

“I would never want to get rid of you, I’m too fond of you. You’ve grown on me, like a fungus.” Steve tried to keep the banter going and it made Bucky laugh. 

“Well, come on then, wouldn’t want Sam to worry about you,” Bucky said as he stood up, holding out his right hand for Steve to hold on to. 

“Thank you for a wonderful evening, I really had fun,” Bucky said as Steve pulled over in front of Bucky’s apartment building. 

“I had fun, too. I’ll see you in a couple of days?” Steve answered and leaned over to kiss Bucky goodbye. 

“Can’t wait,” Bucky whispered as he stepped out of the car. Steve waited until he was inside the building and then drove home. 

He hoped Sam wouldn’t be up anymore – he couldn’t stop grinning. 

Chapter Text

Bucky’s life was too good to be true. He got to go on amazing dates with Steve (dating! They were officially dating, holy fuck) and it was going really good. Spending time with Steve was always easy, so really the only thing that had changed was the fact that they were now holding hands. And kissing. Not more, not yet, but they had time. Bucky didn’t feel rushed (he also didn’t feel ready for more, but that was another problem and had nothing to do with Steve) and he definitely didn’t feel pressured, so everything was fine. More than fine, it was amazing. 

He even got to spend an afternoon in Tony Stark’s lab. Steve had been there for moral support, but really, Bucky had spent most of his time quietly fanboying and hoping Tony wouldn’t notice. He had been so distracted by all the awesomeness of Tony’s lab that it had taken him almost the entirety of the whole meeting to realize that the guy had not been kidding. He was actually, for real building Bucky a new arm. How was this his life?

So really, it should not have come as a surprise. Things didn’t go well for Bucky Barnes, that was something he should have been used to by now. He wasn’t. Which was the reason why he was currently crammed into the tight space between a wall and a vending machine in a mall in the middle of Manhattan (not that he realized that he was still in New York, because his panicked brain was telling him he was back there ) with Steve crouching down in front of him. Funnily enough, that didn’t make him feel more panicked, which was probably good, because Steve was definitely freaking out. And trying very hard not to show it. 

The good thing was, that Steve was not trying to force him to come out or to talk or anything else. He was just here, keeping up a steady stream of meaningless chatter, mostly about other people in the mall, or about how ridiculous some of the shops were. It helped. That and the fact that Bucky was pretty well hidden in his tiny space and unless someone would stand right behind Steve, no one would see him. 

Bucky had no idea how long it took, but from the way his legs and lower back felt, it had been a while. But eventually he stopped feeling so panicked, stopped feeling like he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move and at the same time like he had to run, run as far away as he could and never stop. He started being aware of his surroundings again, slowly, bit by bit. Mostly, he focused on Steve, who was sitting on the dirty floor in front of him (not that the tiny space in which Bucky had crammed himself was any better) and he was still talking. About- that time in high school where he got in trouble for- something. Bucky didn’t know what, but he also really didn’t care right now. The only thing that mattered was that Steve was still here. 

Bucky hesitated for a moment, then he decided that fuck it, this sucked and he wanted a hug. He reached out, tried to ignore how hard his hand was shaking. Steve’s head immediately snapped up, eyes bright and hopeful. 

“Bucky?”

He didn’t really have the energy to talk, so he just nodded. Now that he was paying attention, he could hear the low whimpering sound he was making. Fuck his life, really, this was just great. 

“Hey,” Steve said softly. “Anything I can do to help?” 

Bucky hesitated, then he scooted forward a bit. 

“Hug?” he asked, voice shaking and quiet. Steve nodded, instantly opening his arms. A moment later, Bucky crashed into him. Steve easily caught him, turning so that Bucky could hide his face in his shoulder and didn’t have to face the outside world. Or be seen by it. Fuck, this guy was too good for him. 

Steve was making low soothing noises, but didn’t offer any platitudes, didn’t promise him anything that he didn’t know for sure. He did say that it was okay, that he was here for Bucky, that he wasn’t going anywhere for as long as Bucky wanted him to be here. It helped. 

It did take a while, but eventually Bucky calmed down enough to be able to let go of Steve. He didn’t go far, still held onto his hand, but he didn’t feel the need to hide from everything else anymore. Which was also precisely the moment that he started to feel ashamed. Which- was not surprising, but still sucked. He knew, he knew that is was okay, that it was normal and that Steve didn’t think less of him just because he witnessed a panic attack. But knowing that and actually feeling like it was true were obviously two very different things. 

“What do you need?” Steve eventually asked, when it became clear that Bucky wouldn’t be the first one to speak. He shrugged. 

“Can we go home?” Steve nodded and helped him to stand up. By now, enough time had passed that even if what Bucky had thought he’d seen was real, he would be long gone now. But still, he kept his eyes on the floor, his hand in Steve’s and quietly followed him into the parking lot. Having a car in New York was often very annoying, but today Bucky was glad. There was no way he’d be able to face the subway right now. 

They didn’t really talk on the way back. Steve had pressed a water bottle into Bucky’s hand and was now concentrating on getting them out of Manhattan as fast as he could. The silence should have felt oppressive, but it helped. It gave Bucky time to think, not only about what had happened (he thought he’d seen or had actually seen Pierce and had freaked out, which was normal and understandable, or so the voice in his head - that sounded suspiciously like Nat - said) but also about what he was going to do. His go to plan after a panic attack was getting to a safe place (preferably home or wherever Nat was), taking a bath and then spending hours eating ice cream and watching movies. He still wanted that, but he realized that he also wanted Steve to be there. He also realized that he needed to tell Steve. Not everything, there were some things that he would never tell a living soul. But parts of it. Oh joy. 

When they got to Nat and Bucky’s apartment, Steve helped him get out of the car and then visibly hesitated. Bucky held out his hand. 

“Come up with me?” Steve looked relieved, so this was probably the right choice. Okay, he could do this. 

Nat wasn’t home yet, but he wrote her a quick text, telling her to bring ice cream (and that he was okay and not alone). Then he pulled Steve into a hug.

“Thanks,” he mumbled into his shoulder. Steve laughed, quietly and almost desperate. 

“What for?” he wanted to know. 

“For being here.” He pulled away for a moment, looked at Steve. “Okay, so I need to take a bath, because that’s my go-to thing to do after a panic attack. I also need to tell you some things and then I’ll need cuddles and bad movies on the couch. Is that- is that okay?” 

“Yes, of course. Whatever you need, sweetheart.” Bucky nodded, then glanced towards the bathroom. Maybe-

“Join me?” Steve hesitated again, then he smiled. 

“I’ll join you in the bathroom if you want, okay?” Yeah, that sounded more than okay. 

Bucky was almost vanishing in bubbles by the time that they were settled. Right, time for some truths. 

“My family was pretty religious. Not like, bad or anything, but we did go to church every sunday and say prayers before dinner and that kinda stuff. If was fine, mostly, growing up. At least, until I realized I was gay.” Bucky had his head on a little pillow, eyes turned towards the ceiling. He couldn’t look at Steve, not now, but he knew that he was listening, noticed every little sound, every shift of his body next to the bathtub. “It would have been fine, probably, if it had only been my family. But- we had a family friend. I mean, he was everyone’s family friend, you know? Very involved in church, always there to help if you needed anything, always helping the poorer families out. He was very respected around town, the kind of man you went to if you needed help. Or advice. Unfortunately, he was also the kind of man who was a big believer in conversion therapy.” He heard Steve gasp, heard the pained little sound and he blindly reached out. It was easier like this, holding Steve’s hand. “I’m not gonna go into details, but- it sucked. Big times. They made me believe all kinds of things about myself that aren’t true. They made me believe that I deserved it, the pain, the gaslighting, the helplessness. That I was wrong, disgusting, that I was gonna go to hell. I used to think that hell couldn’t be as bad as what was happening in that moment, but- you know. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. Nat helped me a lot, I definitely wouldn’t be here today if not for her. So in the end, we ran. Went to New York, started dancing here and... “ he turned his head, looked at Steve, “the rest is history, I guess.”

Steve was looking at him with an almost desperate look on his face. He seemed scared and angry, not at Bucky, but for him. Angry at the world for letting it happen, maybe. 

“So, yeah,” Bucky said after a while, “that’s why I’m like that. That’s why I freak out sometimes, because stuff reminds me of that time, or because I have nightmares. Or…” He hesitated. It seemed silly now, somehow. “Or because I think I see someone in a mall. I- I’m not sure what he’d be doing in New York, so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t actually him. Maybe. Maybe it was, I don’t know. It’s not like he could have hurt me there, but still- it freaked me out, as you might have noticed.” 

“Bucky, I’m so sorry,” Steve said, holding onto his hand. “I’m so sorry that happened to you and- I hope I didn’t make it worse, I-” But Bucky was already shaking his head, smiling. 

“You’re perfect, stop it. And you definitely didn’t make anything worse. You made it better, actually. It helped, having you there, knowing I wasn’t alone.” Steve smiled at him. 

“You’re not alone, not if I can help it.” Bucky laughed.

“Thanks. Okay and now let me get out of here, I think Nat just came home and she’ll have ice cream. I require movies and cuddles.” 

“That sounds perfect.”

Chapter Text

Steve could not be happier about his relationship with Bucky. He was glad that Bucky could open up to him the way he did, he knew it wasn’t easy for him. Even his friends noticed he was even happier than usual. 

“Dude what’s going on with you? You can’t stop smiling!” Rhodey asked when he, Tony, Bruce, and Steve all met up for drinks. They hadn't met up in a while due to everyone's busy schedules.

“I’m sorry I just can’t help it,” Steve answered, blushing furiously. 

“Steve is in looooove” Tony answered, slightly nudging Steve. Tony obviously knew about him and Bucky because Bucky had been going over to Stark Tower once a week for his new arm. Tony had immediately taken a liking to Bucky and he even asked Steve to take Bucky as his plus one at the wedding. 

“In love? Who’s the lucky person?” Bruce asked, now a little glint in his eyes. 

“Well you already met him,” Steve said, ignoring the fact that both Rhodey and Bruce got out their wallets. 

“It’s Bucky. We’ve been together for a while now. About three months to be exact.” He said, grinning furiously as Rhodey sighed and gave Bruce a five-dollar bill. 

“Now that we all have someone, Bruce we need to get you a special someone too!” Tony laughed, clapping Bruce on the back. 

“Oh, well… I actually am already seeing someone” Bruce said, smiling down at his drink. When he didn’t continue, Steve asked who it was. 

“It’s pretty serious, yeah. I’m married to my work” Bruce said and everyone started laughing. 

“Well, you can’t take your new Ph.D. to the wedding, you have to socialize at least,” Tony said. He was probably joking because he knew that Bruce had social anxiety and he for sure has something planned in case things got too much for him because Tony is like that, which is why Steve admired him so much. 

The rest of the evening was mostly Bruce talking about his project and Tony asking him questions that no one but they understood, and Steve and Rhodey doing their best to contribute. 

As he got home (pretty late and pretty tipsy) later that night, he remembered to check his phone for messages. He had one email from work - he’ll check that later, - three messages from Sam asking when he’d be back and a lot of messages from Bucky. He started smiling because he knew that Bucky loved to send several messages to say something instead of just sending it in one sentence. Some people might find that annoying, but Steve just found it cute. Bucky’s messages read:

9:21 pm -  Hey honey 

9:21 pm - So I was thinking 

9:22 pm - You always cook for me when we’re on dates

9:24 pm - And not that I’m complaining, I love your cooking

9:25 pm - But I thought I could cook for you next time?

9:25 pm - Just lmk when ur free xx

The message made Steve smile so much. Bucky was seriously the most perfect human in the history of humans. Come to think of it- Steve probably loved the man. He made a mental note of telling him soon. He wasn’t big on dancing around on things like these, and he didn’t mind if Bucky couldn’t say it back right away. He’s confident that they’re headed in that direction. Steve pulled up the keyboard and started typing. 

11:26 pm - Hey baby! Sorry for replying now, I had drinks with Tony, Rhodey and Bruce. I would love it if you cooked for me, less work for me ;) I’d be free all weekend, just lmk what works best for you! Looking forward to it xx 

Steve pressed “send” and he had to stop himself from writing “love you” at the end. Dear God, he was so into Bucky. Bucky answered within a second, which made Steve happy but at the same time Bucky had an early shift in the morning and he should be asleep. Nevertheless, they decided to see each other on Saturday evening because Natasha was out training for a show she was a part of at a studio out of town for the weekend. 

The weekend couldn’t come quick enough. Granted it was only Thursday night when they set the date but days where Steve couldn’t see Bucky felt like an eternity. He felt like a high school student the way he was totally and completely in love with Bucky. He went to visit him at the coffee shop Friday afternoon, but he was too busy to take a break so Steve took his coffee to go and pressed a kiss against Bucky’s cheek before he left, saying he was looking forward to dinner the next day.

Sam kept on making comments on how happy Steve looked and how he should stop it because he was tired of being reminded that he’s still single. Steve knew it was only a joke and that he didn’t mean it, but he did make a mental note to find him a girlfriend. He was sure Nat would ask him out at some point, but he could try and nudge things along with those two because they were truly perfect for each other. 

On Saturday, he had to show some apartments and do some paperwork, so that kept him busy most of the day, but when it was 5 pm, he closed his laptop and got changed for his date with Bucky. It seemed silly that he was nervous- they had been dating for three months. However, his heart still skipped a beat when he thought about spending the evening with Bucky, to see those crystal-blue eyes, to hear his soft voice when he talked about everything and anything. He decided to wear a light pink shirt and some jeans, for some reason he really liked that shirt. He looked at the clock- 5:30 pm, and decided to leave then. New York traffic was a nightmare but it would take him too long if he walked and he didn’t want to show up at Bucky’s sweaty from the evening sun. 

He arrived at the building with five minutes to spare, which was a miracle because it was a nightmare to find a place to park, as usual. Steve rang the doorbell and it took Bucky a while until he let him in, he was probably already in the kitchen, getting everything ready for dinner. Steve had a spare key to the apartment, but he preferred to ring the bell because he was a guest, after all. So when he got to the door, he rang the doorbell again. 

“It’s open!” Bucky’s voice shouted from what sounded like the living room. As Steve stepped into the room, Bucky walked up to Steve in a “Kiss the Cook” apron. 

“Nice apron,” Steve said, smirking. “Guess I’ll have to do as it tells me,” Steve said in a dramatic voice as he cupped Bucky’s cheek and pulled him into a kiss. As they pulled apart, Bucky led Steve into the kitchen. He had already prepared all the ingredients for the casserole Bucky was planning on making. He had told Steve that his mother used to make that dish when he was a kid and it was one of his favorite meals and it was really easy to make. Steve helped Bucky but only when Bucky asked him to do something. This was his meal to make and Steve was just there to lend a hand. There was music playing in the background and he had a suspicion that Bucky made a playlist for them. It was mainly Frank Sinatra and romantic songs one could easily dance to. 

After Bucky carefully placed the casserole into the oven he went into the living room where Steve was setting the table. Bucky went behind Steve and put his arm around Steve’s waist and rested his head on his shoulder. Steve could’ve stayed like that forever, he truly loved Bucky. Bucky mumbled something into Steve’s neck which he didn’t understand. 

“What was that, baby?” Steve asked, rubbing a thumb across Bucky’s knuckle. 

“I asked if you wanted to dance with me?” Bucky slowly detached himself from Steve and Steve turned around. 

“It would be my pleasure.” Steve smiled as he took the lead. Bucky rested his head on Steve’s shoulder again as they swayed to the music. Frank Sinatra’s Strangers in the Night played and Bucky hummed along. Steve always loved it when Bucky sang. His voice was rough but there was a beauty in it that Steve couldn’t quite explain. He simply loved it. As the song ended, Steve pulled back a bit. 

“Buck?” he asked, in a low voice. A voice that was only meant to be heard by Bucky and Steve, no one else. 

“I love you.” Bucky looked up at Steve and blushed hard. “You don’t have to say it back if you’re not ready, but I love you and I don’t want to hide it,” Steve said, realizing he might be talking too much so he stopped talking and just looked at Bucky. 

“Oh, Steve… You know I love you too. Very much so. You have made my life so much better and you mean so much to me.” Steve knew he was emotional, but at those words, his eyes welled with tears. Before he full-on sobbed, he leaned in to kiss Bucky. As the next song started playing, Steve and Bucky kept on dancing, and Steve hoped the casserole wouldn’t burn, but at the same time, he couldn’t care less because he was here, with Bucky, and nothing else mattered.