Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I Love You” Echoed in Dean’s ear sitting on the floor of the Dungeon. Dean’s eyes stung and he couldn’t stop sobbing, his head lay in his hands. Everything Castiel had ever said echoed through his ears and brain clouding his thoughts.

“You’re my family, I love you. I love all of you,”
“I'm hunted, I rebelled, and I did it, all of it, for you,”
“I was getting too close to the humans in my charge; You”
“Dean, you know I always appreciate our talks, our time together.”
“Sam, and everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I'm the only one who will have to watch you murder the world.”

Was Castiel trying to tell him then? Dean’s heart ached knowing he would never get an answer. Dean had never felt more stupid. Why didn’t Castiel think he was loved too? If he had just said something about how miserable he was or mentioned the deal he could’ve fixed it and he would still be here. Dean knows he hadn’t treated Cas the best lately despite the apology, making everything so much worse.

“The plan changed, Dean. Something went wrong. You know this. Something always goes wrong.”
“Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?”
“No one cares that you’re broken Cas, clean up your mess”
“Without your powers your basically just a baby in a trench coat”
“You said that I sucked”
“You can’t stay”
“I think you call him when you need something”

Even God had mocked Castiel, someone who was supposed to be his father.

“You know what every other version of you did after ‘gripping him tight and raising him from Perdition?’ They did what they were told. But not you. Not the ‘one off the line with a crack in his chassis.’ All of you. You know, I tried and I tried and I tried, but you're all just too stupid, too stubborn. Too broken. You know what? I'm over it. I'm over you.”

As Dean got up slowly and took a few deep breaths, he tried to remember all the good times to try to get him going along.

“He didn’t happen to work at the post office did he?”
“Personal Space Cas”
“This isn’t funny Dean the voice says I’m almost out of minutes!”
“Which is why you’re making me wear this absurd hat”
“I’m your huckleberry”

Movie nights with Charlie, god how he missed Charlie, Dean let Castiel’s ghost encourage him to keep moving, to keep fighting, to remind him there is joy through pain.

“Good things do happen, Dean, you don’t think you deserve to be saved?”
“I would give anything, not to have you do this,”
“So what-I'm Thelma and you're Louise, and we're just gonna hold hands and sail off this cliff together?”

“Dean, what’s going on?” Sam asked.
‘This voice is speaking now, my brother’s voice this is what’s real and in front of me, he needs me’
“Cas is…gone. He saved me from Billie by summoning the empty, Sammy, Cas is really gone this time,” Dean’s voice cracked and it took everything in him not to sink down on the gravel, empty world be damned, and just break.
“This can’t be happening,” The look on Jack’s face especially made the Dean’s pain so much worse. Jack’s lost Cas twice now. If it wasn’t urgent, Dean would give Jack the biggest hug ever and just sit down and talk about him. ‘Focus, focus, task at hand’ Dean motivated himself.
“It is Sam I think everyone’s gone,” Dean admitted.
“Jack, I’m sorry,” Dean couldn't look Jack in the eye. ‘Take me back to the night we met’ Dean thought.

“Who are you?”
“I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition”
“Yea thanks for that.”
"Who are you?"
"Castiel"
"I figured as much, I mean what are you?"
"I'm an angel of the Lord"

With time to think about Chuck’s words, and everything that has happened, Dean finally stopped resisting grief. Not for just Castiel now. For Jody, Claire, Garth, the other-worlders, and Eileen.
Dean knocked on Jack’s door, and as soon as it opened, Dean pulled Jack in for a hug.
“Are you alright…Dean?” Jack asked in that tone and facial expression that reminded him so much of Castiel.
“Sorry, I’m just a..” Dean let go trying to explain his moment of so-called weakness in showing affection.
“Thinking about Cas and everyone? Me too. I do sense something though like we’re not alone,”
“Like people something?” Dean would take anything at this point and called Sam over.

“Come on Miracle, come here,” Dean surprised himself by smiling, and petting the dog.

“Micheal.”

“Buzz” Dean’s phone lit up. Cas flashed up on the screen.
“Dean, I’m here, I’m hurt, Can you let me in?”
To say that Dean sprinted would not be an exaggeration. ‘What the fuck this is amazing Cas is alive, how? I can finally say my piece to him and everything is going to be fine and…’
The horror of knowing that it was Lucifer was immediate. Not to mention the pain and disappointment.

“So does this mean you’re the new…I mean, what do we call you?”
“Who cares what we call him? Look, all that matters is that he got us back online”

“Goodbye,” Jack told Sam and Dean after his speech about being a hands-off god.

“Wait! Can you um bring Cas back?” Dean asked quickly, but Jack simply disappeared.

“Jack!” Dean yelled hoping his surrogate son could hear him. Sam put his hand on Dean's shoulder.
“I’m sorry Dean,” Sam comforted his brother.
“He told me he loved me, Sam, and I…I didn’t say anything back,” Dean admitted.
“Sam, he’s been miserable for a long time, he had to be happy to be taken by the empty he made a deal, Sam the way I’ve treated him over the years…” Dean rambled not quite breaking into tears (again) but coming close. Sam let his brother speak all the way back to the bunker. Except for a brief pause to see if Eileen was alive (she was).
“Just you and me wherever the story takes us,” Sam told Dean back at the far too empty bunker.
“I don’t have to be that way ya know Sammy. Since Chuck isn’t writing our story, we, or at least you, can have your cake and eat it too. Go be with Eileen, if anyone understands you it’s her. I’ll be fine,” Dean assured Sam. “I see how smitten you two are, go buy her flowers, get her an engagement ring, have a million little ones like you always wanted. You can do that now,” Dean encouraged Sam.
“I wouldn’t go that far yet. Flowers sound like a good idea,”

The bunker was still all too quiet, but now without Sam there, Sam instead chose to spend most of his time at Eileen’s place, not that Dean minded, other than how still and quiet the bunker felt. The other-worlders had stopped dropping by after they had the misfortune of seeing Dean in his boxers, drinking and listening to Brad Paisley’s “Whiskey Lullaby”. Apocalypse Bobby shoo-ed everyone away and figured the boy needed his space after saving the world, again.
Miracle was the only thing keeping Dean sane. That and looking for apartments and houses, and it had only been two weeks since Dean lost the love of his life. It had taken time for Dean to realize that he loved Cas. He still wasn’t gay but Castiel wasn’t technically a dude either. So technically he was all in the straight clear. The only problem was of course, that the love of his life was dead. Further “calls” to Jack, Rowena (in her case a literal call), and even the empty led nowhere.

Dean had finally given up for the moment and tried to create a normal life, seeing as there were no more monsters other than the sick in the head human variety. He started working part-time at the bar with the promise of being moved to full-time and loved it. Alternate Micheal did help Dean in a way after all, and being around alcohol was certainly a bonus.
For old time’s sake, Dean had made a glass case with Castiel’s angel blade with a picture of the three of them that Dean found in his things. He had no idea Cas had kept that picture all these years.
“I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you. Take me back to the night we met” Dean thought to himself, yearning for a do-over.
Before Dean knows it, he’s standing beside his little brother and Eileen watching them say “I Do” and welcoming his new sister into the family. Sam and a few others, even Garth have tried to set him, but Dean refuses.
He talks with Jody and Donna twice a week and even helps the newly engaged Kaia and Claire move into an apartment. He visits Garth and his children every two months and when the newest one is born Dean is touched when the little pup is named Dean. Well Robert Dean Fitzgerald, but Dean is still taking the win. Dean takes it upon himself to teach the younger Castiel all about his namesake (just the appropriate parts anyway).

The dull ache of missing Cas is still there and it especially hits him when he is alone in his apartment. It’s…nice and it feels way better to be out of that big empty bunker but he still feels a space missing. He misses Jack too, despite Dean’s unfilled desperate last request. That’s his kid come on of course he misses him. Dean gives monthly prayer updates, despite the fact that he is unsure if Jack is even listening.
Dean is present when Sam and Eileen’s first child is born, waiting in the lobby. Claire, Jody, Donna, Alex, Kaia, Garth, and a few others are tailgating in the parking while Dean waits in the lobby.
New father Sam comes out into the lobby beaming “You’re officially an uncle. Seven pounds five ounces. You want to hear the name?” Sam asks.
“Duh! Tell me!” Dean stands up happy to be an uncle.
“Dean Castiel Leahy-Winchester, I know it’s a mouthful,” Sam explains chuckling. Dean sheds a few tears for the first time in a long time.
“Sam it’s perfect, congratulations! Do I get to hold him?” Dean asked.
“Of Course!”
Little Dean jr is the most perfect baby Dean has laid his eyes on. Eileen looks exhausted but is somehow glowing in new motherhood.

Several years later on Dean Castiel Leahy- Winchester’s fifth birthday the sun is shining, and the smell of barbeque fills the air. Dean has now spent more time without Castiel in his life than with (Not counting the fake or temporary deaths). Dean holds Sam’s secondborn, Baby Mary Lillian Leahy-Winchester (named after Mary Winchester and the woman who raised Eileen). Dean jr runs around and plays with Garth's children, while Eileen, Jody, Donna, and the girls talk. Apocalypse world hunters sit on lawn chairs with beers, and presents were stacked higher than the kid himself. Dean jr would have another birthday with his school friends and neighbors later, now was for his family.
A creaking of the fence on the white picket fence (ironic Dean knows), all heads turn and Sam stops flipping burgers, no one else was supposed to be there.
“Sorry to interrupt,” Castiel says. Sam drops his jaw and the spatula he was flipping burgers with. Dean gets up and Castiel walks toward him.
“But how? You’ve been gone ten years?” Dean asked.
“Jack, he brought me back, I would’ve come sooner but I had to fix up heaven, and I wasn’t sure I was welcome back after what I said when we left things,” Cas explained sheepishly. Eileen got up and got baby Mary still in Dean’s arms and Dean kissed Cas.
“Of course, you're welcome here you saved me, you're part of the family no matter what and, it took me forever to come to terms with it, but I love you too Cas I always have,”
Of course Mini Dean (as Dean calls him chose this moment to speak up) “Who are you Mr.?” Dean holds Castiel’s hand and guides him to Dean jr. Cas stayed quiet, as did the rest of the party still shocked, but letting Dean have his moment.
“This is your other namesake. You know how you’re named after me?” Mini Dean nodded. “Well you’re also named after him, this is Castiel. Like how your name is Dean Castiel Leahy-Winchester”
“That's a beautiful name Dean” Castiel complimented the younger Dean Winchester.
Sam chose this moment to touch his wife’s shoulder and then walked toward Castiel, Eileen gave Mary to Jody and the married couple hugged Cas.
“Glad to have you back man,” Sam told Castiel patting his shoulder, while Eileen smiled. Sam crouched near his child still playing in the sandbox Dean had built Dean jr. “ You know how we had that family isn’t just related talk?” Sam asked his son, and he nodded. “ Uncle Castiel is also your uncle just not by blood like Uncle Dean is” the child accepted this explanation and went back to playing.
Castiel met his niece and endured hugs from everyone including Claire, and Castiel passed along congratulations about Claire’s and Kaia’s marriage from Jimmy and Amelia as well as Jack.
It was a long time before Dean got Castiel alone in his apartment, where Castiel met an elderly Miracle.
“I missed you so much,” Dean admitted.
“As did I” Castiel assured.
“I was so stupid I wish I could have seen the signs sooner or something and we could have had each other this whole time, I wish we could go back to the night we met and do it all over again differently,”
“Dean, no one has a time machine or a spell or wings anymore to make that happen but-,” Castiel started before Dean pulled him in for another kiss to shut him up.
In another five years, Dean would get a wedding of his own, and a house two streets from Sam and Eileen’s, and Castiel and Dean would live happily with a garden and love all around them, but for now, Dean and Castiel were still kissing enjoying every second back together.

Chapter Text

Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley,

"He spent his whole trying to forget, we watched him drink his pain away a little at a time..."

I Drive Your Truck by Lee Brice,

"people got their ways of coping and I've got mine"

"I've cussed I've prayed I've said goodbye"

Drink a Beer by Luke Bryan,

"Can't believe you're really gone."

"Right now it don't make sense I can't make it all make sense"

"I'll remember you and all the times that we used to sit right here on the edge of this pier
and watch the sunset disappear, and drink a beer"

Just a Dream See You Again, Ghost Story and Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood,

"It's like I'm looking from a distance, standing in the background, everybody saying, he's not coming now"

"This can't be happening to me, this is just a dream"

"Said goodbye, turned around and you were gone, gone, gone, faded into the setting sun
slipped away But I won't cry 'cause I know I'll never be lonely For you are the stars to me
you are the light I follow"

"I can hear those echoes in the wind at night calling me back in time
back to you."

"I will see you again, this is not where it ends I will carry you with me"

"I'm going to be your ghost story, that keeping you up all night memory"

Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran,

One More Song by Lin-Manuel Miranda,

"Now it's so quiet"

"The sun came up you stayed at rest, now here I am"

"Like you're still here no crying allowed"

Requiem from Dear Evan Hansen,

See You Again by Wiz Khalifa (ft. Charlie Puth),

"It's been a long day without you my friend, and I'll tell you all
about it when I see you again"

How to Save a Life by The Fray,

"Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend"

"I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life"

Somebody to Die For by Hurts,

"I could give you my devotion until the end of time"

"I've got nothing left to live for, got no reason yet to die"

"There's no hell that he can show me that's deeper than my pride"

A Drop in the Ocean by Ron Pope,

"I was praying that you and me might end up together"

"It's like praying for rain as I stand in the desert"

"You are my heaven"

You’re Gonna Miss This by Trace Adkins,

If I Die Young by Band Perry,

Not About Angel by Birdy,

"How unfair it's just our love"

"What about angels? they will come they will go make us feel special"

Unsteady by X Ambassadors,

"To fight when you feel like flying but if you love me don't let go"

"Hold on to me cause I'm a little unsteady"

This Town by Nial Horan,

"Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow runnin round"

"I want to tell you everything, the words I never got to say the first time around"

"drive highways and byways to be there with you"

"Over and over the only truth, everything comes back you you"

Not Over You by Gavin DeGraw,

"I stare at a picture of you and listen to the radio"

"I would lie and say that you're not on my mind"

"No matter what I say I'm not over you"

Drowns The Whiskey by Jason Aldean (ft. Miranda Lambert),
"Turning down every girl that wants to dance you ain't giving them a chance"

"Whiskey's supposed to drown the memory"

"I've gone from one to one too many"

"your memory drowns the whiskey"

"I'm living proof that eighty proof ain't got a shot at touching you"

I See You by Luke Bryan,

"Their little plan to get me over you"

"I can't go anywhere I can't do anything,
no, I can't close my eyes without you in dreams"

"you won't leave me alone, even though I know you're gone"

"I look around for someone new, but I see you"

"I see you, taking me by the hand, taking me by the hand"

Mine Would Be You by Blake Shelton,

Talking to the Moon by Bruno Mars,

"My neighbors think I'm crazy but they don't understand"

"I sit by myself talking to the moon trying to get you in hopes you're
on the other side talking to me too or am I a fool? who sits alone, talking to the moon"

What If I Never Get Over You by Lady A,

"What if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do? What if I never get over you?"

Already Gone by Sleeping At Last,

"Now all the memories they're haunted"

Wherever I Go, and Lose Somebody by OneRepublic,

"Sometimes you got to lose somebody to find you really loved someone"

"wherever I go there's a shadow of you"

Somewhere In My Car by Keith Urban

"I know you're never coming back, but in my mind, we're somewhere in my car..."