Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

these bitches traumatized

2:19 am

miss is the girl: mike i swear to fuck stop blasting radiohead

miss is the girl: it is TWO IN THE MORNING

kermit: no

kermit: what are you gonna do?

kermit: tell mom and dad??

kermit: they’re not home 😎

miss is the girl: i am going to drown your record player in the bath tub

kermit: nooooo

kermit: will got me that record player :(

miss is the girl: then turn it off

kermit: no.

miss is the girl: Michael.

miss steal yo girl: oh shit

jointathan: she whipped out the legal name

dad: and capitalized it

lulu lemon: god damn

kermit: nancy

kermit: pls

kermit: i’m in my feels

dad: mike that’s so emo of you

kermit: EDDIE WTF

kermit: radiohead is not emo.

kermit: i am not emo.

dad: even if radiohead isn’t emo, it’s about you

dad: your vibe

dad: you are emo

kermit: no i am NOT

she was a skater girl: yes you are

dustbin: yes you are

lulu lemon: yes you are

i’m eleven so stfu: yes you are

kermit: EL? homie wtf

would: yes you are

kermit: :/

kermit: will 3

kermit: i feel so betrayed

kermit: how could you do this to me

kermit: turning up my music to drown out the sound of my heart BREAKING

dustbin: god you’re so dramatic

miss is the girl: will please apologize to my annoying brother so he turns down his fucking music

miss is the girl: i can smell the angst from my room

miss steal yo girl: LMAO

lulu lemon: mike has always been the embodiment of angst

kermit: LUCAS >:(

would: sorry mikey <3 i love you even though you’re emo

kermit: ya know what

kermit: i’ll take it <3

mom: stop texting omfg you guys are blowing up my phone

mom: seriously

mom: go to BED it is two am holy fuck

she was a skater girl: turn your notifications off next time dipshit

mom: i hate you

dustbin: lol mom said a swear

dad: steve that was hot

dustbin: NOPE NOPE YOU ARE NOT DOING ANY OF THAT IN THIS CHAT

dustbin: THAT IS FOR THE PM’S

mom: dustin i am so close to beating your ass

dustbin: i just shit my pants (this is sarcasm steve)

dad: lol your ass was def beat last night stevie

mom: EDDIE STFU

dustbin: i just shit my pants (this is not, eddie wtf ur disgustANG)

lulu lemon: just threw up in my mouth

she was a skater girl: i wish vecna took my eyesight permanently holy fuck

lulu lemon: MAX 😭

jointathan: someone please change the topic

i’m eleven so stfu: i agree

miss is the girl: let’s go back to why mike won’t stop playing radiohead in the middle of the night

miss is the girl: because it is STILL playing

kermit: nancy i told you

kermit: i’m in my feels 😔

miss steal yo girl: ugh i love radiohead

miss steal yo girl: true love waits is on TOP

miss is the girl: aw i love that one

kermit: nancy what the FUCK?

kermit: So you're fine with robin listening to them but not me??

miss is the girl: yes

kermit: why :(

miss is the girl: because i love robin

kermit: .

kermit: this is my last straw

kermit: say robin listens to radiohead and no one bats an eye

kermit: say mike listens to radiohead and society goes wild

she was a skater girl: SOCIETY

jointathan: LMAO

kermit: max you are so cool

she was a skater girl: mike you are so cool too

kermit: max rn >>>> everyone else (because i am relentlessly bullied by all of you)

kermit: (die)

would: wow relentlessly

would: what a big word for you

kermit: why do you hate me

kermit: feeling no love in this hizzle

i’m eleven so stfu: i love you mike (not in that way)

kermit: i love you too el (word)

lulu lemon: mike expressing his affection??

dustbin: seems fake

she was a skater girl: MIKE HAS EMOTIONS?? 🙀 (NOT CLICKBAIT)

would: leave my boyfriend alone

would: not cool

kermit: oh so NOW you defend me

would: yes

would: no one is allowed to tease you about being emotionally repressed <3

would: it’s not your fault

would: (i hate karen and ted wheeler)

miss is the girl: he’s crying right now

kermit: we aren’t even in the same ROOM how would you know

miss is the girl: you always cry whenever someone is the tiniest bit nice to you

miss is the girl: especially will

kermit: i do NOT

kermit: lies

kermit: lies and slander

mom: can confirm, he does

dad: ^^^^

kermit: bruh

kermit: why is everyone out to get me tonight

lulu lemon: because it’s funny

kermit: stop making me feel unloved

kermit: that’s what my parents are for <3

dustbin: MIKE LMAO

she was a skater girl: real

would: mike :(

kermit: no will don’t be sad! i was just kidding!

would: no you were not

kermit: no i was not!

mom: and on that note, i think it’s time for everyone to go to sleep

mom: it is so late

miss is the girl: so true

miss is the girl: everyone go the fuck to sleep

kermit: but no surprises hasn’t played yet 3

miss steal yo girl: no surprises is GOATED

kermit: robin ily you’re my favorite sister

miss is the girl: my little brother and girlfriend bonding over radiohead is not something i ever expected to see

miss is the girl: also

miss is the girl: wow wtf

miss is the girl: i’m telling holly

kermit: noooo don’t she’ll be so sad :(

miss is the girl: then go to bed

kermit: but music 3

miss is the girl: mike just listen to it in the morning

miss is the girl: or stay up idc

miss is the girl: just play it on your phone and listen to it with headphones because

miss is the girl: might i remind you

miss is the girl: it is now almost 3 am

miss is the girl: and i want to sleep

kermit: sigh

kermit: but if i use headphones how will the world know about my endless angst??

dad: and he denies being emo

mom: he gets it from you

dad: how dare you insinuate i’m emo

dad: i am metal as shit thank you very much

mom: tomato tomato

dad: i am so offended rn

miss is the girl: mike PLS

kermit: .

kermit: fine

miss is the girl: ugh finally

would: wait mike

kermit: yeah babe?

would: don’t you have a shift at the coffee shop in like five hours?

kermit: FUCK

Chapter Text

these bitches traumatized

11:13 am

kermit: i hte life

kermit: i amd so rtired

kermit: i still have ifve more hourd

miss is the girl: that’s what happens when you get three hours of sleep before an eight hour shift

kermit: rude

kermit: you’re supposed to comfort me 3

miss is the girl: mike you know neither of us know how to comfort

kermit: real

mom: can confirm

miss is the girl: 🖕

miss is the girl: steve you’re annoying

i’m eleven so stfu: were you making your spelling bad on purpose?

kermit: yes

kermit: i crave attention at all times

she was a skater girl: shocker

kermit: BRUH

kermit: ugh i only have five minutes left of my break :,(

would: i can come visit! :)

would: jonathan can you drive me?

jointathan: lol

jointathan: not at the moment

would: are you serious

would: it is eleven in the morning DUDE

would: ugh

would: it’s okay mom can drive me <3

kermit: YAY! today is good day!!

kermit: i gotta go do my job now (booooo)

kermit: bye ya’ll <3

lulu lemon: “y’all”

kermit: stfu

these bitches traumatized

2:47 pm

kermit: my day is no longer good

would: wtf happened i literally left like twenty minutes ago?

kermit: a lot

kermit: first a lady sat down at a dirty table

kermit: and then yelled at me because it was dirty! that’s so crazy girl maybe don’t sit at a dirty table!

kermit: and then another lady got mad at me cause her coffee was cold

kermit: even though she order an ICED chai like girl omfg

kermit: and then! the best part! a creepy older guy started flirting with me

kermit: like he would not leave me alone lmao

kermit: and when i told him that i wasn’t interested

kermit: and also sixteen so very much under age sir!

kermit: he called me a bitch and then threw his hot coffee at me 😍

lulu lemon: what the fuck?? did the coffee hurt you?

kermit: i mean it was kinda hot

kermit: but like physically i’m pretty okay

dustbin: i hate people omfg

she was a skater girl: are you fucking kidding me??

i’m eleven so stfu: do you want me to kill them

kermit: no el

kermit: but thank you ily <3

i’m eleven so stfu: ilyt <3

kermit: it’s okay though because sophie (my slay ass manager) kicked the guy out and is letting me leave early! is it because she can sense i am on the verge of a breakdown? we will never know!

would: mike :(

she was a skater girl: we stan sophie

kermit: @missisthegirl can you pls pick me up? mom can’t until like 4 and i really don’t wanna walk home rn lol

kermit: or stay here any longer than i have to

miss steal yo girl: sorry mike, she’s not off till 3:30

kermit: oh right

kermit: fuck

chaos <3

2:55 pm

would: mom

all-mother: Yes baby?

would: can you please take me to the coffee shop again to pick mike up from work?

all-father: I thought his shift wasn’t over till 4?

all-father: And I thought his mom was picking him up today?

jointathan: how would you know that 🤨

all-father: .

all-father: I probably heard him talking to Will about it or something.

i’m eleven so stfu: he lies

i’m eleven so stfu: he knows mike’s schedule because he likes to “keep tabs on him”

i’m eleven so stfu: he cares about mike

all-father: El.

all-mother: Aww I knew you cared about him!

all-mother: But back to Hop’s question

all-mother: Why does he need to be picked up early?

would: uhhh

would: instead of writing you a paragraph i will just send a screenshot

would: gimme a sec

would sent (1) screenshot

these bitches traumatized

2:58 pm

kermit: also will are you okay? ur being kinda quiet

would: yeah i’m fine

kermit: okay <3

chaos <3

2:59 pm

would: guys?

all-mother: Sorry I had to restrain Hopper from sprinting out the door and murdering someone

all-mother: I managed to calm him down a bit

all-mother: Come outside I’m already in the car

would: okay, coming

would: thanks mom

all-mother: You don’t have to thank me baby

these bitches traumatized

3:01 pm

would: mom said she can come pick you up

kermit: what?! she doesn’t have to

kermit: i can walk

would: fuck no, you’re not walking

would: mom would murder me if i let you walk home rn

would: and we’re already on our way

would: and you’re coming back to our house

kermit: okay :)

dad: mike bud

dad: how’re you so calm about this?

kermit: i’m used to it

miss steal yo girl: wait this has happened more than once?

kermit: yeah lol

kermit: a lot of people are into me ig? idk

kermit: it is weird

mom: mike that’s not okay??

kermit: i know

kermit: but there’s not much i can do

would: hopper is literally ready to arrest anyone who even looks at you weird

would: all you have to do is ask mikey

kermit: hopper?? lmao will you know hopper does not like me

would: what? what do you mean?

kermit: will

kermit: he literally hates me

kermit: he made that very clear when i was dating el lmao

i’m eleven so stfu: hopper does not hate you

i’m eleven so stfu: he was just very protective of me

i’m eleven so stfu: i will talk to him

kermit: what?

kermit: el no don’t talk to him omg

kermit: i’m used to older men not liking me

kermit: well at least in any way that’s not romantic apparently 😍

mom: mike please don’t joke about that

mom: you are taking years off my life

kermit: but i have to joke about it!

kermit: it’s chill

dustbin: mike this is the opposite of chill

dustbin: in fact, this whole thing is very not chill

kermit: it just be like that

lulu lemon: it really do not be like that

kermit: well it either be like that or i cry

kermit: and i’d prefer not to break my three day streak of not crying at work thank you very much

miss steal yo girl: i just realized nancy has no idea what’s going on

miss steal yo girl: she’s gonna lose her shit

kermit: oh fuck

would: mike

kermit: will :)

would: we are talking about this later

kermit: ugh gross

would: we’re here btw

kermit: kk

kermit: i’ll be out in a sec <3

chaos <3

3:23 pm

i’m eleven so stfu: hey dad did you know mike thinks you hate him?

all-father: WHAT?

these bitches traumatized

6:58 pm

would: guys omgggg

would: it was so cute

would: when we got back hopper pulled mike aside and apologized and said that he doesn’t hate him

would: and then

would: hopper HUGGED HIM

lulu lemon: WHAT

dustbin: NOOO I MISSED HOPPER HUGGING MIKE??

she was a skater girl: aww hopper does have feelings

i’m eleven so stfu: do you guys want to see something even cuter than hopper hugging mike?

i’m eleven so stfu sent (2) photos (both are pictures of mike sleeping on will, and will is smiling softly at him)

i’m eleven so stfu: MICHAEL 👹

dustbin: el what the fuck 😭

she was a skater girl: LMAO

she was a skater girl: you were right that is actually cuter

lulu lemon: aww

would: EL

would: when did you take those omg

i’m eleven so stfu: :)

would: mike <3

would: he is tired from talking about his feelings

she was a skater girl: he is so strong ✊😔

mom: i never thought i would say this about that little shit but why does he look so adorable

dad: agreed

dad: he is a baby

jointathan: baby brother

would: hey >:(

would: IM ur baby brother

jointathan: no mike is

jointathan: you’re my little brother

jointathan: cause ur older than him

i’m eleven so stfu: word

would: anyways

would: lets go back to talking about how CUTE my boyfriend is

would: i want to squish his cheeks

she was a skater girl: ew you’re so gross

would: hmm

would: is that homophobia i’m sensing?

she was a skater girl: you are so annoying omfg

miss is the girl: aw

miss is the girl: i’m glad he’s finally sleeping

miss is the girl: that idiot really needs to sleep more

would: agreed

miss is the girl: why’s he at your guys’ house though?

miss is the girl: i don’t remember him saying he was going over to your house after work

miss steal yo girl: scroll up babe

miss is the girl: ?

miss is the girl: .

mom: i just heard the distant sound of a gun being loaded

Chapter Text

these bitches traumatized 

9:12 pm

she was a skater girl: does mike have rabies?

kermit: girl

mom: why tf would you ask that

would: obviously

kermit: WILL

she was a skater girl: cause this mf just bit me

kermit: it was a love bite <3

she was a skater girl: THAT WAS NOT OUT OF LOVE

she was a skater girl: I STILL HAVE TEETH MARKS

kermit: love bite :)

dad: mike i don’t think you know what love bite actually means

kermit: ??

kermit: yes i do

dad: no you do not

dad: look it up

mom: eddie stop

mom: mike don’t look it up

would: too late

would: he’s staring in horror at the definition

kermit: 😨

kermit: I DIDN”T GIVW MAX A HICIKEY

lulu lemon: “hicikey”

kermit: why is it called love bite if you don’t actually bite lovingly

miss steal yo girl: that is a great question that i am not equipped to answer

kermit: is it because you don’t know either

miss steal yo girl: yes.

she was a skater girl: can we go back to mike literally SINKING his teeth into my arm??

she was a skater girl: i swear he drew blood

kermit: i did not you snake

lulu lemon: he does it all the time

dustbin: it truly is the highest honor

dustbin: it’s his weird way of showing his affection

would: it was confusing at first but its cute

kermit: i like biting >:3

miss is the girl: you need to be put down

kermit: i’m aiming for your jugular

miss is the girl: setting up an appointment for you to be euthanized 

kermit: do it pussy

jointathan: mike you worry me

kermit: good >:3

these bitches traumatized

3:27 am

kermit: krusty kraeyaya

kermit: yeahahayea

would: mikey

kermit: yeahaaahahaeyab

would: mike

kermit: pizzaaa

would: MICHAEL

kermit: is the pizza yeahah

would: MICHAEL WHEELER

kermit: for you and

kermit: MEEE HEEHEEHEHE

would: go to bed

kermit: i can’t

would: why? are you okay?

kermit: hmm

would: mike

kermit: suddenly my eyes are drooping and sleep is calling my name! night will <3

would: .

would: goodnight <3

these bitches traumatized

10:34 am

mom: i want whatever mikes on

kermit: you want to be on the spectrum? weird but okay

would: MIKE LMAO

miss steal yo girl: wait wait 

miss steal yo girl: i have the perfect meme

miss steal yo girl: what are you on

kermit: AHAHHA ROBIN

kermit: i’m stealing that from you

lulu lemon: what the fuck is going on

miss is the girl: i ask myself every day

miss is the girl: nancy, why do you still put up with all these losers?

kermit: you’re the biggest loser here

miss is the girl: shut ur mouth rn

kermit: wow

kermit: ableist

miss is the girl: i am actually so fed up with you

kermit: good

jointathan: fight fight fight

mom: stop encouraging them omfg

she was a skater girl: i have never been so entertained at 10 am on a saturday before

miss is the girl: will come get your boyfriend before i remove him from this earth

would: you can keep him actually

kermit: where is the love

kermit: WHERE IS THE LOVE?

kermit: mom i need ur lawyer cause i’m divorcing will

would: wait no–

dustbin: did you just call steve mom

kermit: no

kermit: ur seeing things

mom: lawyer is called

kermit: 13 year old mike would hate me for how much i love you rn steve

mom: :,)

mom: <3

these bitches traumatized

4:17 pm

kermit: will

kermit: wills

kermit: willsssss

would: what’s up love?

she was a skater girl: “love”

she was a skater girl: will is being soft on main

would: stfu max

kermit: do you have nero

would: no? it’s still your week with him

kermit: i know, just thought i’d check

kermit: i cant find him :(

miss is the girl: did you ask mom?

kermit: no, i’ll do that rn

she was a skater girl: who tf is nero

dustbin: ^^

lulu lemon: ^^

mom: ^^

dad: ^^

jointathan: a stuffed duck that will and mike co parent

lulu lemon: awww

would: i got it for mike a few years ago

dustbin: byler has been canon since forever ong

i’m eleven so stfu: byler??

lulu lemon: will and mikes ship name

would: shut up omfg

kermit: mom knew where he was

would: yay! that’s great

kermit: lol

kermit: not exactly

miss is the girl: what do you mean?

kermit: she threw him away haha

would: WHAT??

miss is the girl: she what.

i’m eleven so stfu: why would she do that :( 

jointathan: what the fuck karen

dustbin: do you think it could still be in the garbage?

kermit: no, dad took the trash out today

kermit: it’s cool

would: it literally isn’t??

would: did she say why?

kermit: she said that it isn’t normal for a sixteen year old boy to be attached to a stuffed animal 

miss is the girl: i’m going to kill her

miss steal yo girl: i’ll help

jointathan: i’m in 👍

mom: me too

dad: me three

would: i’m doing it first

kermit – would

4:31 pm

kermit: i’m sorry will

would: what?

would: mikey this is not your fault at all

kermit: okay

would: you know she’s wrong, right?

kermit: what?

would: it’s okay to do childish things like have a stuffed animal

would: i mean our whole childhood was basically ripped from us so i think we deserve to be childish sometimes

would: but even if that stuff didn’t happen you are still allowed to have a stuffed animal

would: she had no right to take that away from you

kermit: will?

would: yeah baby?

kermit: i love you

would: i love you more

would: do you wanna come over?

kermit: please

would created a new chat with i’m eleven so stfu, lulu lemon, dustbin, and 6 others

would changed the group name to “t*d and k*ren hate club”

6:27 pm

would: i made this chat for obvious reasons 

would: i hate t*d and k*ren

would: mike cried

would: for over an hour

would: he cried himself to sleep :/

jointathan: i am actually going to kill them i’m so mad

i’m eleven so stfu: mike :(

lulu lemon: he deserves the world this is so unfair

dustbin: proud member of the t*d and k*ren hate club

she was a skater girl: i’m not usually very affectionate but i want to give mike the biggest hug rn

miss is the girl: i’m going to poison their dinner

miss is the girl: let me know when he’s awake cause i’m gonna come give him cuddles

miss steal yo girl: ditto

dad: ^^

mom: ^^

mom: i’m going to fight them for custody how dare they hurt our baby

would: you guys can all come over when he’s awake

would: he needs a lot of love rn :(

these bitches traumatized

2:24 am

kermit: i want to be taxidermied 

lulu lemon: you what 😀

dustbin: mike 💀

would: why do you always say the most insane things

kermit: what, are you saying you DON’T want to be taxidermied 

would: no i do not actually!

kermit: boo lame

kermit: tomato tomato

would: i’m going to smother you with a pillow

kermit: and then i can be taxidermied

would: what is wrong with you

kermit: lots :3

Chapter Text

dustbin created a new chat with would, kermit, i’m eleven so stfu, and 2 others

dustbin changed the group name to “party in the usa”

4:30 pm

dustbin: i made this gc because i realized we do not have one of just us!

she was a skater girl: wait you’re right

lulu lemon: i forgot we just added everyone to the gc we already had

i’m eleven so stfu: why didn’t we just make a new gc with the elderly instead of adding them into the one we already had?

kermit: ELDERLY LMAO

would: idk that was kinda dumb of us

kermit: it’s like someone didn’t think that far ahead and just put everyone in one gc

she was a skater girl: what?

kermit: what?

i’m eleven so stfu: mike is in his deadpool era!

kermit: omg so true!

dustbin: what the fuck are y’all goin on about?

would: i am so concerned for you both

i’m eleven so stfu: >:3

kermit: >:3

she was a skater girl: WHAY THE FUCK

lulu lemon: that was terrifying they literally sent that at the exact same time

dustbin: are they together??

would: no mike’s at home

she was a skater girl: and el’s with me

lulu lemon: TERRIFYING

i’m eleven so stfu: me and mike are connected :D

kermit: !!

dustbin: that is so ominous

dustbin: i don’t even want to ask

would: don’t

kermit: do you guys want to hear cool things about space

kermit: pls say yes nancy kicked me out of her room after like the third one :(

kermit: like why is making out with her girlfriend more important than my SPACE FACTS

i’m eleven so stfu: that is so rude of her

kermit: i know 3:<

would: yes baby i’d love to hear about your space facts

lulu lemon: yes give us your space facts

dustbin: space facts space facts space facts

she was a skater girl: space. gimme.

kermit: you guys are the best i love y’all so much

kermit: N E WAYS!!

kermit: many of the atoms in our bodies were once inside stars?? so we’re literally made of recycled star dust

kermit: and if a star is a hundred light years away, the light we see from that star at night left that star A HUNDRED HEARS AGO. AND WE’RE JUST SEEING IT NOW!! no matter what, all the information from that star will always be a hundred years old isn’t that so crazy ??

kermit: there are literally STRAY planets that just roam space because they didn’t form or don’t stay around a star!! so they just aren’t apart of a solar system or anything they’re just chillin

kermit: and if two pieces of the same metal touch in space they will permanently bond!! which is known as cold welding and it happens because the atoms of two pieces of metal have no way of knowing they are separate! the only reason this doesn’t happen on earth is because there is always air and water found between the pieces :))

she was a skater girl: sometimes i forget how smart you are omg

kermit: i’m not that smart i just enjoy space very much!!

kermit: and my brain only retains stuff that i like

lulu lemon: okay mr. highest english mark in our grade

kermit: it’s not my fault that words are just so

kermit: !!

kermit: and you and dustin have like the highest grades in science and math so you can’t say anything

kermit: back to what is important !! do you want to hear my absolute favorite space fact ever ??

would: yes

i’m eleven so stfu: please !!

kermit: the moon

kermit: is LEMON SHAPED

she was a skater girl: LEMON AHAPED??

kermit: LEMOK SHAPED!!!

dustbin: i’m going to need time to recover from this

lulu lemon: real

lulu lemon: this is mind blowing information

would: mike do you wanna go stargazing again soon?

would: and you can tell me about all the constellations?

kermit: !!!

kermit: PLEASE?

kermit: what did i do to deserve you <33

would: you didn’t need to do anything baby <333

she was a skater girl: ugh i’m gonna throw up quick lucas say something so we overpower their cuteness

lulu lemon: sorry babe i don’t think they can be beat

i’m eleven so stfu: they are very adorable

kermit: die all of you

dustbin: he’s probably blushing so hard rn

would: oh he def is :)

kermit: no i am not

kermit: i never blush

would: one sec

would - miss is the girl

4:46 pm

would: nancy

miss is the girl: will

miss is the girl: what’s up?

would: can you please do me a favor?

miss is the girl: that depends

would: can you go check if mike is blushing?

miss is the girl: weird request but sure

miss is the girl: lmao

would: ??

miss is the girl: his face is RED

miss is the girl sent (1) photo

would: KNEW IT

would: thanks nance you’re the best

miss is the girl: :)

party in the usa

4:50 pm

would sent (1) screenshot

would sent (1) photo

would: nancy has backed up our claims mikey

dustbin: not the receipts LMAO

kermit: IS THST WHY SHE BARGED INTO MY ROOM??

kermit: AND TOOK A PICTURE OF ME??

kermit: i can’t believe you

she was a skater girl: HAH you are so easily flustered mike and you will never escape that fact

kermit: >:(

kermit: *growls*

she was a skater girl: furry

kermit: TAKE THAT BACK RN

she was a skater girl: no :3

kermit: did you just ‘:3’ me ??

dustbin: max that kind of makes YOU a furry

she was a skater girl: dustin what the fuck

she was a skater girl: i’m going to kick flip off your face

dustbin: damn bruh

i’m eleven so stfu: segue way (word of the day!)

i’m eleven so stfu: are we still having movie night tonight?

she was a skater girl: excellent use of that word ellie

i’m eleven so stfu: thanks !!

kermit: YES!!

lulu lemon: still at will and el’s?

dustbin: always is

would: jonathan has already baked brownies for us

kermit: jonathan made brownies.

would: yup :)

these bitches traumatized

5:03 pm

miss is the girl: why did i just hear mike sprint down the hall and trip down the stairs

would: IS HE OKAY?

i’m eleven so stfu: will told him jonathan baked brownies lmao

miss is the girl: he’s fine dw

miss is the girl: ah

miss is the girl: i understand

dad: ??

jointathan: there was a time where mike would literally only eat if i made brownies

jointathan: for probably almost two weeks straight

jointathan: like he literally would not eat anything else

mom: TWO WEEKS? OF ONLY BROWNIES?

miss steal yo girl: that explains a lot

kermit: hey >:/

miss is the girl: it was kinda concerning but also very adorable

miss is the girl: now it’s like his comfort food

miss is the girl: sometimes i’m jealous how much he loves jon >:(

kermit: did you just.

kermit: YOU USED AN EMOTICON :D

kermit: and dw nancy i love you very much !!

miss is the girl: .

miss is the girl: namncy cannot ome to phione rn because she cannot see tjrough the tears in her eyes

miss steal yo girl: can confirm she is fighting tears and smiling super big

kermit: :))

party in the usa

3:14 am

lulu lemon: what is the thinnest layer of the earth called?

she was a skater girl: the foreskin

kermit: the thinnest layer of the earth?

lulu lemon: correct

kermit: oh thank you

kermit: i got a point 😌

she was a skater girl: sorry??

dustbin: PLEASE stop quoting frenemies at 3 in the morning

kermit: can’t have no fun around these parts

lulu lemon: dustin is a trisha paytas hater

dustbin: UGHHHH

kermit - would

7:21 am

kermit: will

kermit: are u awake

would: yeah what’s up baby?

would: are you okay?

kermit: uh

kermit: i’m not really sure

kermit: i kinda need to talk to you about something

kermit: it’s nothing bad tho! i mean at least i hope it’s not bad because it could kinda be bad but idk

would: hey it’s okay sweetheart

would: you know you can tell me anything

kermit: yeah i know

kermit: it’s just kind of a lot and i don’t even really understand most of it

would: whatever it is we can figure it out together mikey, okay?

kermit: okay

kermit: sometimes i don’t want to be a boy? or more like i don’t really feel like a boy? like sometimes i look at max or el and i just feel like

kermit: jealous or something

kermit: i feel almost sad because i want to be able to wear dresses and wear make up but i can’t because i’m a boy and i don’t know whats wrong with me

would: there’s nothing wrong with you

would: so you think you might be a girl?

kermit: kind of? but only sometimes

kermit: some days i’m okay with being a boy but some days i feel like a girl

kermit: and sometimes i feel like neither and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin

kermit: i just wanna be normal will

would: oh baby

would: first of all literally none of us are normal and thats okay! and second of all have you ever heard of the term genderfluid?

kermit: not really

would: well it’s basically exactly what you described feeling

would: so sometimes you’re a boy, sometimes you’re a girl, and sometimes you feel like neither or even all of them at once

kermit: oh

kermit: so it’s okay? i can do that?

would: of course it’s okay

would: do you feel like a girl right now?

kermit: yeah

kermit: i think so?

would: okay :)

would: is mike still okay? or do you want to be called something different?

kermit: no i still like mike

kermit: but

kermit: holly used to call me mika when she was really little

kermit: and i really like when you guys call me mikey

kermit: could we maybe use those sometimes on girl days?

would: of course baby

would: and what about gendered terms like “boyfriend” and stuff?

kermit: i mean it’s stil okay sometimes

kermit: but i would be okay with you calling me like your girlfriend too

would: yeah?

would: okay babygirl

kermit: .

would: was that okay?

kermit: i really like that one

would: yeah?

would: how red is your face right now?

kermit: shut up

would: do you want me to wake up el so we can use her make up?

would: we don’t have to tell her anything if you aren’t ready

kermit: no i think i want to tell her

kermit: and i def wanna tell the rest of the party but i think i need a bit to process this

kermit: and probably extra time before i come out to like nancy and everyone else

kermit: maybe when everyone’s up? cause dustin and lucas will probably sleep till like 11 and i think that’s enough time

would: sounds good babygirl

would: i’m gonna go wake up ellie, i’ll be right back <3

kermit: <3

party in the usa

11:12 am

dustbin: @kermit @would @i’m eleven so stfu where y’all at??

would - kermit

11:14 am

would: are you ready to tell them? cause it’s okay to need more time

kermit: no i’m ready

kermit: i wanna tell them

would: okay <33

party in the usa

11:17 am

kermit: we were doing my make up

would: correction: me and el did the make up and mike sat there and looked pretty

she was a skater girl: omg can we see ??

dustbin: i bet you are slaying so hard rn

lulu lemon: ^^^

i’m eleven so stfu: okay we’re coming out now

kermit: lol

dustbin: mike you look so good !!

lulu lemon: literally stunning ugh ily

she was a skater girl: i am so jealous of your lashes

kermit: thanks guys :,) ily

kermit: but uh

kermit: speaking of coming out!

she was a skater girl: mike we already know you’re gay

would: really not the time max

she was a skater girl: oh my bad

she was a skater girl: sorry mikey

kermit: it’s okay

kermit: recently i have discovered that i am not really a boy! well i kind of am but sometimes i’m not

kermit: i’m genderfluid and i use he/she/they pronouns

kermit: and if you have any questions i’m gonna be honest i probably don’t have any answers cause i don’t really even understand it yet

lulu lemon: thank you for trusting us :) we love you so much <3

dustbin: that’s awesome bud ! i love and support you <3

she was a skater girl: that is so cool !! me you and el should go clothes shopping :) i love you sm

she was a skater girl: is mike still okay?

kermit: clothes shopping !! please !!!

kermit: and yeah mike is still okay

kermit: but like being called mika and mikey is vry good

kermit: especially on girl days

kermit: cause it kinda feels less manly? idk lol

dustbin: is today a girl day?

kermit: yeah

lulu lemon: wait didn’t holly used to call you mika?

kermit: yeah lmao

she was a skater girl: stop that’s so cute ahdhdsjsh

lulu lemon: wait will and el did you guys already know?

would: who do you think she came to at seven in the morning with her crisis?

i’m eleven so stfu: and we used my make up!

she was a skater girl: i will forever be jealous over how long your lashes are

kermit: sucks to suck

she was a skater girl: i take it back i hate u

kermit: haters will hate

kermit: but seriously i love you all very much and i really appreciate you guys. thank you for accepting me <33

lulu lemon: no need to thank us :) we’ll always love you no matter what

dustbin: even if you killed someone

i’m eleven so stfu: i can attest because you guys still love me and i’ve killed lots!

kermit: EL AHDHJSDHSDF

would: oh my god 😭

Chapter Text

these bitches traumatized

2:15 pm

kermit: just finished watching cmbyn for the 47th time this week

kermit: help

kermit: i have a problem

miss is the girl: you watched it AGAIN?

kermit: it’s a good movie!!

kermit: actually any movie with timothée chalamet is a good movie

kermit: beautiful boy makes me sob so hard

would: oh my god i remember your mom had to ban that movie from your house for like a month because of how distraught you were

dad: real

kermit: WILL WTF

kermit: you were supposed to not tell anyone bro

would: bro?

kermit: .

dustbin: oh shit

dustbin: mike it was nice being your friend

kermit: no will i’m sorry! i meant baby, mon chéri, light of my life!!

would: you are such an idiot

jointathan: he’s staring at his phone with major heart eyes rn its disgusting

would: at least i have someone to stare at with heart eyes

jointathan: 😧

mom: holy FUCK

lulu lemon: god damn will

she was a skater girl: LMAO

miss steal yo girl: guys

miss steal yo girl: i just got an iced capp and they put SO MUCH whip

miss steal yo girl: your girl is ecstatic

kermit: they probably passed out a few times to make that for you if theres that much whip

miss is the girl: wdym ??

miss steal yo girl: 💀

miss steal yo girl: i don’t want it anymore

dad: i’ll take it!

mom: EDDIE

would: mike.

kermit: :)

miss is the girl: OH MY GOD

miss is the girl: WTF

kermit: >:3

lulu lemon: LMAO MIKE

she was a skater girl: you are so gross omfg

kermit: it’s something i pride myself on

kermit: hnnnn now i want an iced capp

would: i’ll come bring you one!

dustbin: you can’t drive??

would: :)

jointathan: no.

jointathan: not after what you said to me

would: i’ll tell mom

jointathan: why are you such a little shit

jointathan: what happened to my sweet little brother

would: he died!

kermit: will!

would: let me joke about my trauma

kermit: sigh

kermit: only if you bring me that iced capp :)

would: you got it baby <3

lulu lemon: just threw up in my mouth you guys need to stop

jointathan: i didn’t even say yes :/

mom: don’t fight it

these bitches traumatized

11:09 am

kermit: guys

kermit: a bee just took all my money :/

kermit: pretty fucking pissed ngl

mom: wtf are you on aboit

lulu lemon: a BEE??

dustbin: girl

she was a skater girl: what did you do to it

kermit: more like what did it do to me

would: you are so strange

miss is the girl: if you die i’m donating your brain to science

miss is the girl: i feel like it would go against my morals not to

miss is the girl: you need to be studied

kermit: thanks nance 😊

would: i’m sorry IF??

i’m eleven so stfu: can we go back to a bee robbing mike??

miss steal yo girl: i agree

miss steal yo girl: i am so intrigued

kermit: okay so

kermit: i was just depositing my humongous pile of cash ($5)

kermit: and then i went to grab my receipt

kermit: and this mf

kermit: comes AT me

kermit: i’m in the drive thru atm btw

would: drive thru?? don’t you need a car for that

kermit: i took my skateboard

she was a skater girl: respect

kermit: <33

kermit: anyways

kermit: and so i can’t grab my receipt because bro is like GUARDING it like his life depends on it

kermit: and now it has my card number and my bank account is probably drained

miss is the girl: you need to be locked up

kermit: i thought you wanted my brain for science

miss is the girl: i changed my mind

miss is the girl: you are too insane to mingle with society

miss is the girl: you need to be contained

party in the usa

4:12 pm

kermit: i am going to quit.

kermit: this is my last straw

kermit: i know i say that all the time but this really is

would: just for clarification we’re talking about your job righ?

kermit: oh yeah sorry

kermit: dw i am not quitting life anytime soon you fuckers are stuck with me!

would: kk <3 continue

would: what happened?

kermit: it was just me and one other person (not including the one manager whom i hate that was there bc he does not count as a person). there were at least FOURTNEE tables. and so obv we were rushing around and having a complete awful time. but i’m still smiling at all the customers because i will get choked and shot out back if i didn’t. but i go to the back for a quick breather cause i am so stressed and dying and i just want to cry in the bathroom and that mother fucker. that MOTHER fucker

she was a skater girl: are we talking about you know who?

kermit: THAT MOTHER FUCKER

dustbin: that man makes me want to vomit

dustbin: hopefully on his stupidly expensive shoes

lulu lemon: ugh i’ve never met him but i hate him.

kermit: i hope it stays that way

kermit: he is truly awful

kermit: i wish sophie was on instead cause i know my girl would have had my back

would: what did he do??

kermit: okay so obv when i get back i drop the smile because i am TIRED and i cannot keep the smile up any longer if i dont need to

kermit: and he looks at me

kermit: and just says

kermit: why aren’t you smiling

kermit: and i don’t look at him because he's a little bitch boy and i hate him and i just say ‘because i’m stressed and busy’

kermit: and omfg

kermit: he fucking says ‘you’re never to busy to smile’ I AM GOING TO COMMIT MASS MURDER.

she was a skater girl: what the actual fuck

she was a skater girl: i hope he smiles while i'm castrating him

i’m eleven so stfu: give me his address

i’m eleven so stfu: actually i don’t need it i’ll find him myself

kermit: you terrify me

kermit: i love you

i’m eleven so stfu: i love you too !

i’m eleven so stfu: anyways i’m going to go make a man bleed from his eyeballs

kermit: terrifying

party in the usa

5:28 pm

kermit: guess who just put in their two weeks 😎

lulu lemon: LETS GO

dustbin: WOO

dustbin: we must celebrate

would: so proud of you

she was a skater girl: finally omg

i’m eleven so stfu: does this mean i can’t make him bleed from his eyes :(

kermit: i mean i would love that but i would not love you going to jail

i’m eleven so stfu: i wont get caught

kermit: why do i fully believe you

i’m eleven so stfu: cause i’m super sneaky

would: how did it go?

kermit: homeboy was so pissed

kermit: he started yelling and everything

kermit: so then! since putting in two weeks is just like a courteous thing and i was trying to be respectful

kermit: i told him that i am revoking my two weeks and that i am never coming back :)

kermit: he was super happy

she was a skater girl: that man is psycho

kermit: tell me about it

kermit: ugh this is so relieving

kermit: #unemployed

kermit: i’m going to have so much free time

kermit: but no money 💔

lulu lemon: you are just like us lower class citizens now

dustbin: yes !! mike is finally one of us again

these bitches traumatized

2:56 pm

kermit: el and max can we pls go dress shopping soon

kermit: i cannot wait any longer i need 500 dresses rn

she was a skater girl - kermit

2:58 pm

she was a skater girl: please tell me you meant to do that

kermit: do what?

she was a skater girl: shit

kermit: max? what??

she was a skater girl: check which gc you just messaged

these bitches traumatized

3:01 pm

miss is the girl: dresses?

kermit: fuck.