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Flashbacks weren't fun, no one ever said they were because its a given. But when you first start having them, you'd expect it to be a lot different from what you personally experience. No PSTD is the exact same, no one will have the same exact trauma and flight or fight responses as you do, nothing is by the book.
At least that's what everyone tells Grian, and he thinks its bullshit, pardon his french. He doesn't experience the "reliving it" part, he gets whats more akin to flashing images in his mind about stuff he doesn't want to remember and maybe a audiory hallucination or two.
But thats not reliving it, that's just his mind being weird. He's always had a weird mind, thats just what he spawned in with. Or at least thats what he's been telling himself up until about two months ago.
Nothing really big happened two months ago actually, it was probably his mind being weird again. However he's beginning to understand "reliving it" more then he'd like to.
About two months ago, he was sat in the corner of some room he was pretty sure was his now that he thought about it, paranoid and panicky.
The flashes in his mind now had his voice in them, and they were going faster. He was no longer paying any attention to the real world, he felt like he was being sucked into his own mind. he saw himself screaming and curling in a corner of the boys bathroom, Sam just... laughing. Standing infront of the stall door so Grian couldn't get out.
He felt scared, but he wasn't in his own body. He felt every emotion, every empty soundless laugh from Sam, every shiver and tremor, every-
"-Grian!" Oh. Someone was here, and he was being kinda rude ignoring his guest. He tried to get out of his head, pay attention to everything around him, he really did, but the scene kept playing, kept pulling him back inside his head. Maybe it was safer in there, yeah he was terrified but it wasn't real, it was just a memory-
"Grian, are you okay?" Okay now he was being really rude now, god his teachers were right he did need to learn some manners. He opened his mouth, still avoiding eye contact with whoever pulled him out of his trance. It was dry, and his lips felt cracked.
"..Hi?" Okay now he just felt stupid, who just says 'hi' after seeing someone finding them having an episode? Apparently Grian does! Watchers above, maybe he should just do coke or something to cope. His throat felt like a desert, and his voice came out all raspy like he hasn't drank water for days.
Now that he thought about that, when was the last time he drank water? Grian looked up, gaining the courage to face whoever walked in on him. It was two people, a very worried Xisuma and a incredibly silent Scar. How wonderful, he could brush Scar off at least somewhat easily but Xisuma? He was in for his dignity on this one.
"You with us now, Grian?" Xisuma sounded muffled, maybe it was just his ringing ears.
"Yep, completely grounded and ready for takeoff, actually." He tried to get up, but his legs weren't allowing it. And so wasnt Xisuma.
"Grian, Scar walked in on you clawing at your arms and shaking like a leaf. Do you think you know what that might have been?" X was playing dumb for Scar's sake, probably. He knew full well what 'that' was, and Grian wasn't having it. If Xisuma wanted to play dumb, Grian would do the same.
"I really dont know, but what i do know is a got a killer date with a project this afternoon-"
"it's 10pm, Grian." Scar interjects. "I think we both know what that was, X." Grian played it safe, it was a matter of who said it first and it would not be Grian if he had any say.
"Yeah, we do dont we? And since we both know what is was, you don't suppose you would know what caused it?" X replied coolly, a tiny sigh escaping his mouth.
"I dont, no." Grian wont count that as defeat quite yet, he didn't acknowledge the elephant in the room.
"I feel like I'm missing a very large piece of information here." Scar stated the obvious. If anyone didn't know what a PTSD episode was or looked like, it'd be him. It was almost amazing how airheaded he could be. The rest of the long hours after was just Xisuma and Grian walking around the terms 'attack,' 'PTSD,' and 'episode.' Admitting that what he just walked in on was serious was off the table if the conversation was to remain civil, and both X and Grian knew that.
Scar was messaged by another hermit for assistance and eventually had to leave the weird talk-around-the-problem conversation X and Grian were having.
That was basically what happened, and now Grians been paranoid ever since. He couldnt convince his body on his own that he was safe no matter what he did, so he was tense and achey for a good 2 weeks.
Asking for help was not an option, he knew the hermits would never judge, but it felt shameful to ask for help when it was his own fault anyways. He's been in a near constant loop of reliving the emotions he felt during highschool since then. Sam was gonna jump out and drag him off of Hermitcraft any second now, Grian knew it.
So, he stayed in his base until he was forced to go back out for resources. The shopping district was a danger zone now, he'd have to be faster then usual. So, he stumbled over to his chest and got his diamonds, grabbed his eltra and rockets and took off rather clumsily. He ended up crashing and he was pretty sure he hurt his ankle in the crash, but he'd just have to look at it back at home.
It wasn't safe here. All Grian could think about was the safety of his base as he stumbled and swayed as quick as he could to get the golden carrots and maybe some seeds, as a treat. He got to the shop soon enough, but it looked like at the pace he was going he shouldnt stay to get seeds, it was too risky. pick up a few stacks and leave, leave leave leave leaveleaveLEAVE-
As he was about to turn around to get to safety, he felt a hand creep up on him and place itself on his shoulder.
"Oh hi there Grian! Lucky seeing you around, i was just about to message you-" Grian bolted.
Or, at least tried to, but he ended ip slamming right into Scar, who dropped his items and his sword. All Grian could see was Sam jumping out at him and the watchers eyes staring, all he could hear was the ringing in his ears and the sirens in his head telling him to run.
And he tried, but he was grabbed by the arm, hands much larger than his and definitely not Sams, his were about the same as Grians. They felt rough and well used, the hand felt safe. He snapped back as quick as he melted at the touch, trying to yank out of the hold like it was burning him.
"Grian, you need to calm down." But he couldn't, especially not with Sam and the watchers around. He couldnt waste anymore time, he could feel Sam's hands wrapping around his neck.
Something broke at his feet and he felt the immediate impact of a weakness potion in his legs. Someone was going to bring him to Sam, maybe it was Sam who drugged him. Grian's struggling lessened, significantly, but he was still able to move.
He felt the effect creep up his body, his arms were getting weaker and weaker, his thrashing and pounding heart turning to a weak pull and a sleepy tug at his mind. Was this potion laced with something, he could no longer see the watchers eyes surrounding him, he could no long feel Sam's hands around his neck. He felt warm.
His mind was a lot quieter now, and the sleep in his mind was tugging harder. Grian fell to his knees, his legs no longer strong enough to hold his weight. Scar was still there, towering above him with the more frightened look Grian had ever seen on the man.
He heard Scar say something about X to a hermit just out of his line of sight before the tug in his mind got to strong, and fell asleep. - There was something going down his throat, it tasted bitter in his throat but sweet on his tongue, a little like sweetberries.
Grian woke with a start, eyes snapping open wide. The liquid was pulled away before Grian could lift his head and get it everywhere, and a sound of shock was let out from beside where he laid.
He could hear someone shout for Xisuma, Grian thinks it was Doc's voice, but he couldn't move his head even an inch. the liquid he drank was probably another weakness potion.
"Hey Grian, how are you feeling?" Xisuma's voice cut through his thoughts.
"Like someone dropped an anvil on a sack of potatoes. I'm the sack of potatoes, by the way."
"Weakness will do that, yeah." X agreed. God, it was much harder to gauge how mad people were when you couldn't see their face.
"Do you know what happened with Scar and Tango? I heard what happened from them, and I'd like to hear your point of view." Grian internally groaned, he had a good rule of thumb where he tries not to tell anyone something they dont want to hear if its not relevant, and Grian really didnt want to tell X his side of the story. Shame made a home in his stomach, a pit he couldn't shake.
"Grian if you won't do it with me as X we'll have to do it the official way, and we both know that sucks."
"It sucks ether way."
"True, but it does have to be done. You acted aggressively and freightened in a manner that concerns me and several others. You can't avoid this any longer, Gri."
"Pulling out the nicknames?"
"Don't change the subject Grian, this is important."
"It's not important if it wont happen again."
"You misunderstand then, I'm not giving you an official strike or warning, it's a mental assessment. Your mental health isnt a switch and I'm not convinced you're in a stable condition where you know that and can act accordingly."
"I know my health just fine, thanks."
"You don't if you think what happened in the shopping district is anywhere in the ballpark of normal."
"What do you think it was then, if you know so much about my mental health." Grian snapped, he wanted to be alone and never come out of his base again like a teenager throwing a fit.
"From what I understand of Scar and Tango's perspective and my knowledge of past histories, I'd say it was a PTSD episode that happened to spiral into a psychotic episode combined with a flashback, which in turn led to a massive panic attack until someone had to sedate you." He sounded formal, too professional from the load of terms he just spat at Grian.
"I don't know what you want me to do here! You're telling me things I already know and have known and saying 'haha I know your secret!'" Gods he was tired. So, so tired.
"You're right, I'm sorry. Grian, from what I've seen you're acting self destructive, and you refuse to acknowledge it. I don't know what to do and you might need to get help offserver."
"Is this you kicking me out? I'd prefer if you were a little meaner honestly-" He wanted to joke, a silent plea to normalcy and calm. He wanted it to be a cruel prank so they'd have to apologize to him after. Apologize for making him think, for making him remember.
He didn't want to remember, please don't make him remember, please-
"Oh Watchers no, absolutely not. I meant the offserver therapy options or psychiatric help, because you've demonstrated that you need it." X sounded stressed, and definitely more than mildly concerned. Grian couldn't really come up with a quip or comeback to that.
He's been told before that 'he should seek out help' but no one ever offered to help him to get help, or tell him what the help was supposed to even be. Was this an offer?
Maybe he was reading this wrong. He should reject, it's unknowable territory. It felt wrong, but in all honesty it felt like everything was wrong, so what was the harm?
"Sure, why not." He whispered like a prayer. Hoping that his Admin wouldn't lock him up, hurt him, make him- No. This isn't Sam, or the Watchers. It isn't a trick.
Xisuma's lips tugged to hint relief, he closed his eyes and breathed. Grian didn't know how to interpret that, didn't know if it was out of disgust or pity. Either way, it felt heavy.
He hoped it wasn't disgust.
Xisuma left the room, saying he'd lookinto treatment options appropriate for him. Grian regrets saying anything now, but there was nothing he could do now.
It took only a few long moments for the fear and panic to truely kick in, just on time for another hermit to check in. Pupils constricted, his eyes felt sewn open, alert. He vaguely remember that there was his fellow servermates in the room.
His breath felt painful, duller then what it should have been. No air was coming in or out. The room no longer felt familiar, instead constricting and confining. A trap, one he'd stupidly fallen for. He was trapped.
"What? Grian, you okay mate?" The other hermit expressed concern, probably towards him. He didn't want the concern, he'd be fine on his own.
"No, you wouldn't, Grian. You'd probably get up and fall right back down. Don't be a spoon."
..Huh? Oh. He was talking out loud, wasn't he?
"Yep." It was Mumbo, that distinct accent and the wisps of hair he could just about see. Mumbo meant safety, Mumbo was never there when something bad happened. He's safe.
Safe.
Sudden tears blur his already fuzzy vision. A sob escaped his mouth. Then another, and then he was balling, tears flowing like a river. Mumbo was here, Mumbo was here to help him, he was going to get out of there.
"G, whats five things you can see?" Mumbo asked him, and damn it if he couldn't oblige.
"The celing, your hair, shroomlight lamp." With all his force, he rolled over to face him.
"A desk, and your eyes."
"Four things you can hear, G. Your doing great."
"You, chickens, the fan, breathing."
"Three things you can feel?"
"Sheets, heaetbeat, blanket."
"Two things you can smell." He had to think for a second.
"Xisuma's colonge, mold."
"There isn't any mold in the room, can you name something else?"
"But I smell it."
"Please name something else."
"Coffee, i think."
"Good. One thing you can taste?"
"Salt." Probably from the tears, ew.
"Are you still having a hard time breathing, Gri?"
"Not anymore, no."
"Wonderful. Here-" Mumbo helped him sit up slightly so he could see. "No mold anywhere, see?"
"Oh, sorry." He felt dizzy, like someone spun him around and suddenly stopped him. Slightly embarrassed, too. He felt bugs on his skin, climbing up his arm. They weren't there, he was hallucinating.
"Don't be. X said you had an attack?" he sat down on the bed, next to Grians legs.
"I don't want to talk about it." Grian felt the memory bubble up, panic beginning to sizzle again.
"That's okay, but we're going to have to talk about it sometime tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay." He felt tired and cold. He wanted to nap, snuggle up in his nest and drift off into dreamland.
"You tired? You can sleep, I'll watch over. You're safe, Grian." He passed out almost immediately, the warmth of the blankets and the feeling of safety making it impossible to stay awake, to stay alert.
He'd deal with everything in the morning, hopefully.