Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Hey, Marie, check out all these splinters!” Callie called, pointing to her right hand, which was covered in wood.

The Squidbeak Splatoon had found an island filled with ancient human artifacts and architecture. So far, only the agents, Captain Cuttlefish, and possibly DJ Octavio (he popped in occasionally), were there, but more members and allies were coming soon.

“Ew, gross,” Marie responded.

“You’re no fun!”

“Whatever.”

“Ooh!” Callie exclaimed. She was now rummaging through a closet in the attic of the big house in the woods (the one the Squidbeak Splatoon was staying in). She put on a pink sweater with a shooting star on it. “This is so comfy!” She threw a sweater at Marie’s face. “Hey, try one on!”

“Eh, I prefer this hat,” Marie stated, putting on a blue and white baseball cap with a blue pine tree on the front.

“But that’s basic. I could probably find that in Cooler Heads. This sweater is one of a kind! Just like me!”

Craig entered the room, wearing a red fez. “Do I look good in this or what?”

“How about you ask Octavio?” Callie suggested (though all of the trauma and chaos that had happened to her with Octavio, she still was a matchmaker at heart).

“I already did, squiddo. He said I looked amazing in it, by the way.”

Agent Four suddenly ran into the room, wearing a shirt with a question mark on it. “THIS IS WAY TOO BIG FOR ME, BUT I LOVE IT ANYWAYS! HUMANS HAD SUCH GOOD STYLE!”

“Stop yelling and get back to playing cards with us!” Neo’s voice called from downstairs. “Don’t make me be the third wheel to Eight and Three alone for any longer!”

“On it!” Four called back. Then, she ran back downstairs.

“I wonder when Acht’s gonna get here,” Callie thought aloud. Acht had told the Squidbeak Splatoon they were arriving today.

“Wouldn’t you like to know, cousin. Are you…crushing?”

“No.”

“I’m too lazy to continue pressing you about this.”

“Thank cod!”

“Acht is here!” Agent Eight announced.

“Coming!” Callie called, and ran down the stairs with her cousin right behind her.

They were standing in the doorway, looking the same as always. “‘Sup?”

“The sky!” stated Callie. “So, uh, Acht, wanna go…look in some of the other rooms? There’s one we haven’t explored yet!”

“Sure.”

The two of them walked into another room, which had plenty of papers and knick knacks in it. There was a sculpture of a human with a caption in a foreign language underneath. There was also a printer.

“Oh, let’s see if it still has ink in it,” Acht suggested.

“Only one way to find out!” Callie replied, sticking her arm in to get it photocopied.

It did photocopy. Then, the paper started shaking and the arm crawled out of the paper. Callie threw a burst bomb at it, and the arm disintegrated.

“That was creepy,” Acht remarked.

“Yep. So, wanna pretend this never happened and add this to our already giant list of repressed traumas?”

“Sure,” Acht said, putting on a lumberjack hat.

“You look great in that.”

“I know.”

Acht and Callie walked down to find Agent Four messing around with the vending machine.

“We’re gonna try human food!” Agent Four explained. “Well, once I understand how this works.”

Eight pressed a bunch of buttons at the same time, causing a secret passageway to unlock.

“Woah…” Neo muttered.

The agents walked down the stairs, and went to the lower level of the basement via the elevator.

“What’s that?” Agent Four asked, pointing to a giant upside down, metal triangle thing. It was broken into parts, but it was obvious that the pieces used to belong together.

“This is so much like Alterna,” Neo remarked.

“Ooh, stuff in human script,” Callie commented, taking a few files, and a journal.

She couldn’t understand anything, but this is what it read: file one was about some triangle demon?; file two said, “I have come to believe that Hisashi Nogami is a time traveler, and has created the Splatoon franchise to warn humans of an upcoming apocalypse.”; and the journal had a page that read, “Encountered some strange marine creature people. They didn’t speak English, and kept running away from me.”.

“That’s a lot of writing,” Callie said.

“Eh, this place is kinda boring,” Agent Four stated.

“Who wants to break open the vending machine and try human snacks?” Neo suggested.

Everyone agreed that sounded like a good idea. While this was happening, Octavio and Craig found a stash of Smile Dip, and decided to eat it all. However, this won’t be the weirdest thing to happen.

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Chapter Text

Pearl and Marina had arrived at Gravity Falls. Currently, Marina and Acht were talking about some noodle incident that happened when they were still both in the Octarian army. Pearl was just sitting there, with nothing to add to the conversation.

“Hey, guys, can we talk about something that all of us experienced?” Pearl suggested angrily. “Like, y’know, when we were all in that elevator together and I was a drone and Eight fought Order A.K.A Smollusk who is now our child!?”

“Pearl, you gotta work on your sentences!” Marie said from the other room. “You have way too many run-ons.”

“Shut up! Anyways, ‘Rina, I feel kinda excluded.”

“Acht and I haven’t seen each other in almost a decade. Let us have some catching up time.”

“I’m your fucking girlfriend!”

“And? Acht’s my friend. And, they’re your friend too.”

“I’ve done so much for you and this is how you repay me!? In a different universe where I didn’t bring ya in, you’re probably dead by now!”

“Stop trying to be an Inkling Savior. I can survive on my own. Besides, if you feel jealous about Acht and I speaking Octarian together, then you have no idea what it was like to know NO INKLISH when I arrived here!”

“Uh huh. And who taught you Inklish!?” Pearl asked, pointing to herself. “This girl right here!”

“Stop trying to play martyr, at the end of the day, you’re not a saint.”

“Yeah, well neither are you! At least I didn’t create machines that could KILL people!”

“I didn’t know any better!”

“Stop trying to play Octoling Savage!”

“That’s racist!”

“No, you’re racist!”

“I’m the octoling here! And, by the way, I’m not your token octoling. You can still be racist, even after dating me!”

“I’m, like, the least racist inkling!”

“Have you been to Splatsville?! They didn’t even force the octolings underground!”

“It’s not my fault I was born in Inkopolis!”

“Yeah, and it’s not my fault I was born in Octo Valley! And so was Acht!”

“It’s like you don’t even wanna spend time with me!”

“I don’t if you keep acting like this!”

“Like what?”

Acht decided to leave the room and talk to Callie. They knew that couple arguments were better left alone.

“Like this saintly inkling that could never do harm!”

“Maybe I am!”

“The majority of your sentences have the f-word in them! You’re not saintly at all!”

“Well, ya aren’t either!” Pearl yelled.

She had been angrily stomping around the room, and so had Marina. Then, they accidently bumped into each other. There was electricity and sparks, and then…nothing?

“Ugh, why am I so tall?” Pearl wondered. “Oh, shit! Why do I have your voice, ‘Rina?”

“I think we swapped bodies because of this carpet.”

They proceeded to scream for a few moments, before getting themselves together, and talking to each other.

“Well, can we unswap now?” Pearl asked. “This isn’t what I meant when I said I wanted to be in you! I wanna get back to being an inkling. Why are your tentacles squirming?”

“They have a mind of their own. Now, we can unswap, if we make a static charge again, and then touch.”

“Ya know what? As good as that sounds, how ‘bout we live in each other’s bodies for a day and see who really is the saintly one?!”

“Didn’t you just want to get out of my body?”

“Eh, it’s nice bein’ tall for a change,” Pearl stated, leaving the room. “Hey, Acht!”

“Uh, Marina, why are you so happy all of a sudden? Weren’t you just fighting with Pearl?”

“Water under the bridge.”

“Huh?”

“Oh, um, it’s an inkling saying…that I picked up during my years on the surface.”

“Oh, okay. Well, Callie wants to explore some other parts of this human town with me, so I’m gonna get going now. Talk to you later!”

“Yup, you too, octo bestie!”

Acht didn’t comment on how…strange Marina was being. Maybe she just got drunk. They wanted to hang out with Callie, anyway, so they didn’t have time for Off The Hook’s antics.

“Ooh, it is so nice being able to say that.”

Marina (in Pearl’s body) walked over to Pearl (in Marina’s body), and whispered. “Pearl, just because you're in my body, doesn’t mean you can start saying slurs.”

“Ha! Now you know how I feel. All the time!”

“You want to say racist slurs?”

“That wasn’t what I meant!?”

Agent Eight walked into the room. “Hey, moms! Uh, Marina, I am needing help for a bit? It is…octoling stuff.”

Marina and Pearl exchanged glances, before Marina volunteered to help.

“But you are inkling?”

“Don’t question it, sweetie.”

“Pearl, love you, but I am needing Marina.”

“Fine.”

Pearl grimaced. “So, uh, what is it that you need?”

They walked into a private room. Eight looked super uncomfortable.

“It’s okay, I won’t judge.”

“Me and Three are doing…you know. So, um, can borrow protect? What you use with Pearl?”

“I, uh, I’ll be right on it, honey!” Pearl said before running out of the room.

Meanwhile, Marina was enjoying the peace and quiet of being an inkling. No tentacles moving. No microaggressions. Just pure bliss. She did wish that she was a bit taller, but it was worth it.

Smollusk (who had gotten a robotic form that looked like his form after being defeated in Side Order) floated over to Pearl. Or, at least, he thought it was Pearl.

“Hey, Pwearl, can you pway with me?”

“Yeah, what do you want?” Marina asked. She was worried. Pearl was always the one that played with Smollusk. Marina had no idea what to do.

“Action fwigures.”

“O-Okay.”

Marina walked upstairs with her son. They went to the attic room, where Smollusk’s toys were being held. She grabbed Sea Snail Man (Fire), and Smollusk grabbed Sea Snail Man (Love).

“Sea Snail Man is fwing through the air!”

“Yep. So, what about the other Sea Snail Man?”

“They gotta fight. Don’t you rewember, mom?”

“I totally do! One sec, honey, I gotta use the bathroom.”

“That’s so gwoss.”

Marina ran into the room with the carpet, to find Pearl in there too.

“‘Rina, please swap with me. I’m sorry! Eight is asking me for help with octoling sex stuff!”

“Pearlie, Smollusk is making me play with him! I don’t know any of the rules!”

Just as they were about to switch, everyone in the Squidbeak Splatoon (and Acht, Smollusk, and Octavio), walked into the room.

“Hey, Pearl!” Agent Four said, hugging Marina (in Pearl’s body).

“Shit!” Pearl yelled, as everyone swapped bodies.

“Oh my cod, being sanitized feels so cool!” Neo, who was now in Acht’s body, exclaimed.

“I’m Marie, time to boss my daughter around,” Agent Four said.

“I can’t believe I’m an old man,” Callie remarked. She was in Octavio’s body.

“I’ve regained my innocence!” Octavio stated. He was Neo’s body, and Neo was the youngest of the Squidbeak Splatoon (not counting Smollusk).

“Woah, Pearl, you are short,” Acht (in Pearl’s body) commented. “Seriously, no wonder you’re always wearing heels.”

“Shut up!” Pearl (in Agent Four’s body) replied.

“Okay, so, the carpet swaps bodies,” Marina explained. She was unfortunately in Smollusk’s body.

“Mommy, being an inkwing is weird,” Smollusk observed. He was in Captain Cuttlefish’s body.

“Marina, please switch us back already,” Marie (in Marina’s body) suggested.

“I am inkling now,” Agent Eight stated, as she was in Three’s body.

Agent Three, who was in Eight’s body, was just looking down at her very revealing clothes, feeling and looking uncomfortable.

“Okay, but, yeah, Marina, I’m with Marie, switch us back please,” said Callie. “I don’t wanna be an old man forever! Me and Marie are meant to be Squid Sisters, not octolings.”

“Marie and I,” Marie corrected, earning a glare from her cousin. “Grammar, Callie.”

“I’ll ‘Grammar Callie’ your face!”

“Everyone, calm down,” Marina instructed.

“Touch everyone until you’re back in your body!” Pearl said.

Sparks started flying as many body swaps happened. Eventually, everyone was back to normal, and everyone except Off The Hook left the room, feeling vaguely traumatized.

“Hey, ‘Rina, sorry ‘bout bein’ jealous of you and Acht. You guys can bond without me.”

“Thanks. And, I’m sorry for making you feel like a bad person. I am really grateful that you took care of me.”

“Eh, don’t mention it. Well, actually, do, but y’know.”

“Yeah. So, how about I help Eight, and you play with Smollusk?”

“Sounds great. So, can I be in you tonight? Yaknow, in a different way?”

Marina blushed. “Pearl, you slut!”

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Chapter Text

A few days after the Carpet Incident, Deep Cut arrived in Gravity Falls. It was a sunny morning. Everyone had just had breakfast. Now, the agents were messing around in the cemetery, Octavio and Craig were doing…whatever, Acht and Callie were exploring the underground, and Marie was taking care of Smollusk while Marina and Pearl had some alone time. So, needless to say, Deep Cut was bored.

“Ay ay? (Why are we the only ones not doing something interesting?)” Big Man inquired.

“Dunno,” Shiver responded.

“Well, I’m not bored!” Frye exclaimed. She was on her hopefully hundredth popsicle.

“Ay? (How hasn’t she died from sugar overdose?)”

“Team Sweet knows no bounds!” Frye shouted.

“That Splatfest was forever ago!” Shiver retorted.

“Whatever. I still won it!”

“Ay ay? (How about we go on an adventure?)”

“Let’s loot the human houses!” Shiver suggested.

“Woohoo! Let’s go!”

Deep Cut left the Mystery Shack, and headed to the town. They found a little house made out of logs and crashed train parts. Shiver grabbed a bunch of forks.

“Ooh, raid that tent next!” Frye said.

Said tent didn’t have much in it. However, they did find a measuring tape in there.

“Ay. (Why is that here?)”

“For fixing stuff.” Shiver explained. “Duh.”

“Imma press this button on the top!” Frye announced.

Frye pressed the button. Shiver and Big Man, who had been crowding around her while the button was being pressed, were sent back in time, along with Frye.

They were in the tent, but they walked outside of it to see humans bustling around. They went to the train and log house to find that it used to be a diner. An old man was there, getting a lot of pancakes. He seemed to be loved by the people of the town.

“Hi, I’m Frye! Don’t worry, we only wanna steal some of your money! For charity!”

All of the humans looked at Deep Cut like they had all just grown six more heads. One of the humans spoke, but not in a language any of the inkfish could recognize.

“Run!” Shiver yelled, running out of the diner. The rest of Deep Cut followed them.

“Woah, humans are so weird,” Frye remarked. She accidentally ran face-first into a blonde human girl.

“Dzgxs dviv blf’iv tlrmt!”

“What are you saying!?”

“Ay, ay. (Frye, she doesn’t speak our language.)”

“Run again!” Shiver shouted.

Deep Cut ran away from the town and towards the Mystery Shack, which was still the Mystery Shack at this point. They were going to enter in the main way, but almost got spotted by two brunette human children. Shiver tripped and fell into the basement, and their friends followed them (because Deep Cut shares one brain cell).

An old man that looked similar to the beloved one in the diner was sitting there, working on something. There was a one-eyed creature that looked kind of like an octoling’s swim form.

“Did I evolve from that?” Shiver asked, slightly disgusted.

“Ay! (Shh!)”

“Hey, lookit, he has six fingers!” Frye pointed out. “That’s cool. It’s a full finger better for everything!”

The man noticed them and started walking towards them. He muttered, “Rmvivhgrmt…”

Frye pulled out her splatana. “Don’t mess with Deep Cut!”

“It’s worthless, he doesn’t speak Inklish,” Shiver told her.

“Nuts to that!” Frye replied, shoving the splatana in the man’s face.

“R’n mlg tlimt gl sfig blf. R’m Uliw, dsl ziv blf?”

“Run for the third time!” Shiver screamed.

Deep Cut ran away from the man, and into an elevator. Then, they ran out of the gift shop, and into the forest. The man had followed them, and was calling out to them.

“Humans are messed up,” Shiver remarked. “How about we time travel back to our time?”

“Okay.”

It took a few tries. First, they ended up in some apocalypse with a giant triangle in the sky and the old man that they had seen was now gold. Then, they saw the two brunette humans from earlier arguing with each other. The female human was holding a pink mammal. Lastly, they went to a time where it was snowing, and they saw a younger version of the six-fingered man holding a crossbow to a younger version of the other old man’s throat.

“Ay. (Yikes.)”

Finally, they arrived back in their time. They saw Marina and Pearl passionately kissing in the middle of the woods.

“Yeah!” Frye shouted. “Go Pearlina!”

“Get the hell outta here!” Pearl said.

“Yes, ma’am,” Shiver responded.

Deep Cut left the woods and arrived back at the Mystery Shack.

“Who knew this place had such a colorful history,” Frye said.

Marie ran over to Deep Cut. “I’ve taken care of Smollusk for hours, now you guys have to do it!” She put Smollusk in Big Man’s flippers and ran off, presumably to take a nap.

“Ay. (At least we didn’t cause a time paradox.)”

“This baby makes me wanna create a time paradox!” Frye remarked. Smollusk was crying loudly.

“Eh, it’s not as bad as your little sisters,” Shiver stated.

“You dare dishonor the Onaga family!? I will kill you!”

“I’m sorry, Frye! Usually I’d argue, but I’m tired of trying to think.”

“Ay ay. (Let’s just watch some TV to pacify Smollusk and us.)”

“Sounds good,” the rest of Deep Cut responded. They spent the rest of the day relaxing until Pearl and Marina came home to take care of their son.

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