Chapter Text
The soldier is restless. The Widow is coming over today and the Asset does not want her too. The widow’s stealth nearly matches his, and her hand-to-hand combat skills are no joke. The Captain had designated her an ally, so the Soldier was unable to eliminate the threat. But the handler had given it orders. It wasn’t quite sure what to feel about the Captain, because it gave it sensations that it could not describe. The Asset is not allowed to want–it had been programmed out of it for far too long–but the Captain said it could . And the way it felt about the Captain–it had never experienced it with other handlers. It wanted to protect the Captain [ Steve ].
“I’ve got to go to the store, we are severely understocked here. I think I actually lost a few pounds.” The Captain says with a nervous chuckle. “It’s just a few minutes north from here, shouldn’t be too long.” The Captain is fitting a baseball cap over his golden hair when the Asset realizes they’re leaving the house. It quickly dresses in the jacket the Captain had graciously provided it with and slips on the combat boots it had come in.
“Mission parameters, sir?” The Captain gives the asset a sad look. Had it done something wrong? Maybe the clothing was not appealing enough for the Captain. Should it not have put the Captain’s jacket on?
“Bucky,” The Captain halts his dressing and fully turns to face the soldier. “You can’t come with me. It’s not safe for you out there.” The Asset shivers as a chill passes over its skin.
“B-but, sir. How can it assure your safety if it is not with you? I-it can act like a civilian, it can be good .” The Captain shakes his head and places his hand on the Assets shoulder.
“Bucky, you are good. So good for me. But you can’t come with me. Wait here for me, yeah? I won’t be longer than 30 minutes” It doesn’t understand, if it is so good why can’t it go? But orders are orders. And it has learned to never disobey orders.
“Yes sir.” The Captain gives it one last pitying look before he leaves and closes the door behind him. The Asset was not something to be pitied, it is a weapon. It will show the Captain how good it can be, so that the next time it will be worthy to go on the mission with him. It unlaces its boots and removes the borrowed coat. Satisfied, it kneels down with a straight back and its arms clasped tightly behind his back.
The Asset did not originally believe that the Captain was cruel, but it is beginning to rethink its assessment. It has been 2 hours since the Captain left. 2 hours of the Asset kneeling, obediently waiting for his return. Sweat is dripping down its face and stinging its eyes. Its shoulders and thighs shake with the effort of keeping it upright, but it cannot fail. This is a test. The Captain had instructed the Asset to tend to its needs, but he had also instructed it to wait for him to return. The mixed orders are making its head swim and nausea pool in its stomach. It swallows past the urge to vomit and keeps its eyes fixed on the door. Had something happened? Was the Captain injured? The Asset had no way of knowing if the Captain would ever be returning. It should have insisted on going with him, to assure his safety. How long could its body keep up the position before it inevitably lost major functions? – six hours? Pathetic, I’ve seen a dog sit longer than that –
“Tch. The bitch of HYDRA, that has a nice ring to it, don’t you think Soldat?” Rumlow grabs a fistful of its hair and tugs so hard it can hear the strands ripping from its scalp.
“Yes, sir.” It responds, voice void of emotion. “What an obedient little puppy.” Rumlow releases his grip and leaves the soldier's field of vision. It sets its teeth on edge. Rumlow was an unpredictable field handler, and he seemed to enjoy humiliating the Asset. “Oops.” A large metal bowl is kicked into the wall, spilling water all over the dirty concrete floor. It soaks into the knees of the soldier’s pants. “Clean it up.” Rumlow orders, but before the Soldier can retrieve a cloth the strong grip is back in its hair. “With your tongue, like a good little bitch.” Rumlow pushes its head to the floor and rubs its cheek in the now-filthy water. It drags its tongue against the rough concrete, lapping up the frigid water. “Good boy, Soldat. Clean it all up before Pierce gets back or I’ll cut off your tongue.” It had made the mistake last time of taking too long, and Rumlow had sliced its tongue clean off. Handler Pierce had been furious–only because the Asset had almost choked on its own blood–and had forbidden Rumlow from doing it again. But the field handler did not fear Pierce as the Asset did, and continued to torment the Asset when Pierce would not find out.
He’d been gone for too long, Steves knows it’s been more than 30 mins but he couldn’t find the high protein shake powder at the first two stores he’d gone to. Bucky’s body wasn’t ready for solids yet, but bone broth wasn’t going to cut it any longer, hence the 1 ½ hour detour. He stacks all the grocery bags on one arm so he can get the door open. He hopes Bucky hasn't been to lonely without him, or gotten into any trouble. Maybe he should've brought the man with him.
“Bucky? I’m ho-” Steve lets the bags clatter to the floor as he takes in the scene. Bucky is kneeling in the entry hall, his entire body shaky and his eyes wide and unseeing. Steve rushes over to him and cradles his face in his hands.
“Bucky? Darling it’s me, Steve. I’m sorry I left you for so long, I’m so sorry.” He wipes the tears from Bucky’s eyes and slowly watches the life return to them. Bucky bodily flinches away from him, but his limbs aren’t cooperating and he stumbles face first to the floor. “It’s ok, I won’t touch you.” He holds his hands up so that Bucky has a clear view of them.
“Y-you lied.” Bucky whispers. His eyes frantically dart around the room, never settling on one point for too long until he moves to the next. “Y-you s-said 30 minutes.” Bucky drags himself with the metal arm to the farthest wall and crowds up against it so hard Steve thinks he’s trying to become one with it. He might actually be sick. Bucky was kneeling exactly where Steve had told him to wait.
“I know, I’m so sorry. I lost track of time.” There’s no excuse. How stupid can he be? He’d known Bucky had been waiting for him, yet he’d gone off to three stores to try and find the stupid protein powder.
“ This Asset submits itself for disciplinary action. It failed at remaining still. It broke form and disobeyed your orders. ” The smell of urine hits Steve's nose as Bucky pulls his legs closer to his chest. Steve breaks–he'd scared Bucky so bad the man had pissed himself.
“Bucky, baby, I’m so sorry.” Steve chokes out as his throat tightens with sobs. “You've done nothing wrong, you’ve been so so good. I did wrong. I told you to wait and that’s exactly what you did. I’m so sorry, you were just doing exactly what I told you” He can’t stop the apologies or the tears spilling from him. Steve harshly rubs at his eyes and tries to wrangle his emotions under control. He needs to pull himself together, Bucky needs him right now– he’d be better off without you –
“It-it was good?” Bucky’s voice wavers a little as he hesitantly crawls towards Steve.
“So good. But I never should have left you like that.” Steve finally pulls himself up off the ground and holds out a hand to Bucky. The man hesitates, but finally takes the outstretched hand. As soon as he’s on his feet Steve pulls Bucky to his chest. He rubs a soothing hand over Bucky's back while the other one scratches at his scalp.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Buck. I keep screwing everything up.” Little by little, Bucky relaxes in his arms. “I’ll run you a bath, alright? You must be so sore.” To his surprise, Bucky nods. Steve quickly runs to the bathroom and begins filling the tub with hot water. Unfortunately the bathroom is on the understocked side of things, so he’ll have to treat Bucky to a bubble bath another day. Hopefully warm water and a little bit of lavender oil will be enough to soothe him today. “I’m going to put these groceries away before they go bad.” Steve doesn’t bother with organization, and just makes sure the perishables are in the fridge while everything else sits on the counter to be dealt with later. “All done, let’s go.” The tub is almost full once Steve clicks the door shut behind them.
“It does not want to get its face wet.” Bucky says firmly, and Steve can’t help the smile that comes to his face. Bucky said he wants something. Its not big, and probably stems from the torture he suffered while under HYDRA, but it’s a step in the right direction.
“I’ll make sure of it.” Steve assures him as he shuts off the tap.
“Don’t leave.” Bucky nervously wrings his hands together as Steve tucks a stray strand of hair behind his ear.
“Never again. I’m with you till the end of the line.” Bucky’s steel blue eyes meet Steve’s, and for a second he can pretend that there isn’t 70 years of pain between them. His eyes are tired, but for a moment Steve can pretend Bucky’s just returned from his shift at the docks. But the moment passes by before Steve can fully grasp it.
“Thank you, sir.” Bucky strips down and shamefully pushes his clothes to the bottom of the laundry basket, then he looks to Steve for guidance.
“Hold my hand, I’ll make sure you don’t fall.” Bucky takes care to grab Steve with his flesh hand and climb gingerly into the tub. As soon as Bucky sinks in his eyelids flutter and he sighs contentedly. Steve takes the opportunity to brush his hands through Bucky’s hair, who hums even louder at the sensation
“ You’re s’good to me Stevie. ” Bucky slurs. Steve freezes for a few seconds before resuming his head scratching. Bucky doesn’t even seem aware that he’s spoken at all–he looks close to passing out in fact. So Steve says nothing. He takes it as a sign that even though he’s fucked up so much already Bucky is still in there. Steve basks in the quiet domesticity of the moment for as long as he can. After a while he lets his eyes roam over Bucky. His eyes fix on the jagged scars surrounding the metal arm. He’d tried to claw it off, multiple times.
“Nat’s gonna be here in a few hours, we should get cleaned up.” Steve says. The little bit of tension Bucky had released returns ten fold and he quickly rises from the tub. Steve does not let his eyes follow the path of the water and hands Bucky a large towel. Steve hadn’t thought to bring in a pair of clean clothes for Bucky so he quickly rushes into his room and grabs his most comfortable sweats and hoodie. He passes them off to Bucky who soundlessly pulls them on.
Steve hadn’t realized how much Bucky had come back to himself until he’s pulling away again. As Natasha’s arrival creeps closer Bucky grows more silent and brooding. He’s checked the outside and inside of the house three times already and had strapped various weapons to his purpose. Steve had pretended not to notice and Bucky had pretended not to notice Steve noticing. It was a careful balancing of pretending and pretending to pretend that was making Steve’s head spin. He really shouldn’t have let Bucky keep his weapons, but then Steve thinks how he’d feel if someone took away his shield. He knows Nat can hold her own in a fight, but she’d been bested by Bucky twice already and Steve really didn’t want it to be a third time. He needed Nat–her help and company–to get through this in one piece. Right now Bucky is posted against the hallway wall, his face covered half by shadows. Anyone walking in wouldn’t be able to see him, but he has the full vantage point. Steve is playing the pretend game again and telling himself it doesn't give him the hibijibis. But he’s also pretending it doesn’t make his heart swell. In his fucked up brain, this is Bucky’s new way of protecting Steve. So Steve lets him do what he wants, and reasons it’s helping keep Bucky calm. Steve busies himself by putting away the dishes and sweeping the crumbs off the counter, sure that Nat will tease him about it. Bucky was the neat freak, Steve was the one who’d fall asleep in his paint stained clothes and leave dishes sitting on the counter for days. Bucky and him would get into terrible rows about it, which would always end with the brunette folded over some surface or other. Steve still catches glimpses of the old Bucky in the new Bucky. His borrowed clothes are folded to military standards, his bed tucked so severely there aren’t any creases to be seen, it helps to reassure Steve that there’s still hope.
“She’s approaching.” Bucky says quietly. Steve turns his focus to the driveway and hears the tell-tale sound of tires driving across gravel. Steve makes his way to the front door and pointedly ignores Bucky’s eyes burning holes into the back of his head. He watches as Nat exits her car, a ridiculous fur hat sitting atop her vibrant red hair.
“ Privyet , Steve, Soldat .” She greets with a chaste kiss on each of Steve’s cheeks.
“Nat, thanks for coming.” He doesn’t ask how she knew where he was–she loves her secrets. Nat hangs her gaudy hat on the hook, followed by a thick black coat.
“Bucky? This is Natasha.” Bucky has emerged a little from the shadows, but he appears no less menacing.
“ Zdravstvuyte, Natalia. ” A small smirk pulls at Nat’s lips as she brushes past Steve into the kitchen. Bucky floors slowly behind her, his back always to the wall. He watches her with sharp eyes and a blank face.
“ Soderzhi dom v chistote, Soldat .” Steve can’t make sense of the words Nat is speaking, and guesses it’s a different dialect than he’s learned. It makes him nervous, not knowing what she’s saying to Bucky. It seems that Bucky can sense this with just a quick glance in Steve’s direction.
“The handler prefers to converse in English, Natalia.” Nat smiles, then turns her attention back to Steve.
“I’m assuming it’s not you who cleans. You’ve put him to work.” She says it jokingly, but it makes Steve bristle.
“I don’t make him do anything, I’m not HYDRA.” The mirth leaves her expression and she puts a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“I didn’t mean anything by it, just trying to ease the tension.” He’d always been too defensive whenever it came to Bucky, it was comforting to know that aspect hadn’t changed about himself. “How about some coffee? Please tell me you have something other than instant.” Steve gratefully takes the distraction and loads the coffee machine up with the pre-ground beans he’d picked up the other day.
“It’s not instant.” He confirms, but it probably isn’t much better. Growing up poor Bucky and him had never had access to the fancy coffee, so they made do with shitty instant. Then in the army the gorunds had basically been dirt. They settle on the couch once the machine’s beeped–Steve and Nat on the sofa, and Bucky at Steve’s feet. Thankfully Nat doesn’t comment on it.
“The book. Do you have it?” Steve doesn't need her to elaborate and what book she means. Bucky perks up a little at the mention and Steve gives him a nod to go retrieve it. To ease his guilt Steve had made sure to tell Bucky exactly where it was, though the man seemed indifferent. When he returns Bucky hands the book to Steve with a glare at Nat’s outstretched hand.
“Only the handler may possess the book.” Bucky says firmly, and Steve can’t help the little smile that breaks through. Bucky had always been stupidly possessive.
“It’s alright, Bucky. She’s here to help.” He hands over the book to Nat and he waits with baited breath as she flips through it. Whether it’s to calm Bucky or himself Steve scratches at the kneeling man’s scalp.
“This is…intense. I’ve never seen anything like it before.” Just like that Steve’s hopes come crashing down. “Don’t give me that sad puppy face, Steve. Don’t start doubting me now. I’ll need a few days, but I can crack it.” Steve can’t help but stare at the back of Bucky’s head. Steve hadn’t even been able to get through the whole book, but Bucky lived it. He’s such a coward, sitting here scratching Bucky’ head like he didn’t endure 70 years of torture because Steve hadn’t beenquick enough to catch him. He can’t even figure out the damn book on his own. Would he ever be enough–worthy–of Bucky? Fingers snap in front of his face and suddenly Bucky is pulling a knife out of his sock.
“ Otoydi, Soldat .” Surprisingly, Bucky listens to her. He tucks the knife away and pushes himself closer to Steve’s legs.
“I need you present, Steve.” He takes a breath and brings himself back to the living room. Bucky is at his feet and Natasha is beside him.
“Course, sorry.” He returns to his leisurely petting and focuses his attention on Nat.
Let’s start with dinner, then I'll dive into this…hellscape.” Steve readily agrees–more so to put off the inevitable–and follows Nat into the kitchen. For now he’ll pretend like it’s any other Sunday making dinner for Bucky after a long shift at the docks. If he closes his eyes he can almost smell the grime and salt clinging to Bucky’s skin.
“Sir? It will help.” He's back to the present again and Bucky is pulling the knife from his hands and beginning to chop the carrots himself.
Never was good at that.” Steve mumbles and he catches Nat smiling at the two of them. Later he’ll worry about the red book, but for now he can pretend everything is ok.