so fucking funny
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Kiss Me Through the Phone by BreatheInBreatheOutMoveOn
Fandoms: Persona 4, persona - Fandom, Souyo - Fandom
25 Apr 2017
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Summary
It was a simple, innocent, gesture. That at some point got lost in translation between pages of fake breasts and innocent, open mouths, and now Yosuke’s hands are shaking, with both need and nervousness, as he grips the crumpled magazine with one hand, and his cell phone with the other.
The phone rings again. Loud, and shrill, jarring him out of his half hazed thoughts as he licks his lips and curses his own stupidity under his breath. He counts the seconds between each ring, hoping to bring himself down enough to successfully convince himself of what an ass he’s being and actually follow through with hanging up the phone and throwing away the mail. But somewhere within the two and three second mark, between the next series of rings, the line clicks and goes quiet, and suddenly someone is breathing quietly on the other end, and Yosuke’s heart is beating so quickly that he almost wonders if he should be calling an ambulance instead.
“What’s your name?”
_______________________________________________
In which Yosuke gets porn in the mail and Yu works at an anonymous sex hotline.
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the lewis rule by sevenfoxes for metonymy
Fandoms: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Captain America (Movies), Thor (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
30 Apr 2014
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Summary
"Jane's cute," Clint says, shoveling yet another sloppy joe into his pie-hole. Darcy has been watching him inhale a disturbing amount of food for the last half-hour. This is why she likes eating lunch with the guys instead of why-yes-I'd-love-some-brussel-sprouts-on-the-side Sharon. They're good for her ego. She may eat like a hippo, but she'll never eat as much as Steve, Clint, or Barnes. "She's totally on my FUCK shortlist."
All of a sudden the crystal clear sky outside cracks with the loudest thunder Darcy has ever heard in her life. The windows rattle. Everyone freezes. Darcy can practically hear everyone's assholes tighten in fear.
Because across the commissary, Thor is looking at their table.
And it ain't raining panties this time. Just righteous, godly anger.
--
The dudes finally play MARRY FUCK KILL, not-so-Avengers edition. (Because there's like ONE actual female Avenger. Thanks, SHIELD.)
Wherein no one follows the rules, everyone still kills Tony, the Mets suck, (lots of theoretical threesomes?!), and Darcy turns Clint into a hypothetical honey badger.
Series
- Part 2 of MARRY FUCK KILL
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One more stupid love song (I'll be sick) by jaegersaint for foreverautumn
Fandoms: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
13 Jun 2014
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Summary
Eren picks up the phone and lets his good-for-nothing ex-boyfriend know exactly what he thinks of him.
Only he's got the wrong number.
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The Disgruntled Novelist's Bodacious Pornographer (or, that time Nick and Louis were rival romance writers) by aliferuined
Fandoms: One Direction (Band)
09 May 2014
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Summary
The day Nick releases his latest novel, Velvet Abyss - the very same day - Louis Tomlinson drops an unannounced online novella. It’s called The Pearl of the Pirate’s Booty, and it’s about nudist pirates living on a space station on one of Saturn’s moons.
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Summary
Derek can't believe he's actually doing this: taking a selfie snap of the guy he’s been crushing on for weeks to prove to Danny that one, yes, he really does exist, and two, he really is that hot and thus he is totally justified in being too scared to make a move.
Or you know, even talk to the guy outside of the class they share.
In his defense, this isn’t just any guy. This THE guy. Hot Nerd. The utterly adorable but still somehow insanely sexy freshman in his twentieth century American Lit class who he’s been lusting over since the first day of the semester. If there were ever a time for him to be that person who tries to be subtle while taking snaps of other people, this is it.
Inspired by this super cute fanart by prettiestalpha.
Series
- Part 1 of Hot Nerd Alert
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Do NOT Contact Me with Unsolicited Services or Offers by rainbowflavouredfabulous
Fandoms: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
14 Jun 2015
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Summary
“So basically I’m paying an escort to visit my parents with me and make out with me in the front yard so they’ll stop buggin’ me about getting married?” The brunet asked.
“Actually I think it says he’ll do it for free so long as he gets food. Damn I need to get into that business,” Clint piped up before removing his hearing aids and curling up against the Russian to nap.
Or the one where Steve pretends to be Bucky's boyfriend to get his parents off his case after Bucky finds his ad on Craigslist
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Summary
Sam first notices the weird dinging noise in Paducah, and by the time they hit Kansas City, it's a full-on clank and rattle, the car thumping rhythmically every time the engine turns over.
- Language:
- English
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- 5,776
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- 1/1
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- 1
- Comments:
- 22
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- 429
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- 126
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- 4,266
Bookmarked by intoxicatelou
10 Jun 2016
Bookmarker's Tags:
Bookmarker's Notes
THIS IS SO FUCKING PURe
"They're kinky little bastards. I taught 'em well," Dean says.
"You know we can hear you, right," the blue-capped one says.
"Go to the bathroom," Sam says, pointing.
"We don't like the bathroom," Sally whines.
"Every French fry in the world!" Dean snaps. "Jesus Christ, guys, you watch porn all the time. Sammy's so fuckin' vanilla, I don't see why you—"
"Oh, that's it," Sam says. "I'm busting out the handcuffs."
Dean grins. "Really?"
"We like handcuffs!" Sally says.
"Bathroom," Dean orders.
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Summary
“Wow, how different. What, the guy gives a half-assed apology and now we’re going to bend over backwards to help him? We can’t trust them!"
“We’re not bending over backwards, we’re just helping,” Keith responds, taking a bite of his food, not looking at Lance. “And we’re not trusting them either.”
Lance glares at him. “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I being mean to your boyfriend?”
Keith chokes on his food, face reddening, and Shiro whacks on his back to help Keith. “What?” Keith yelps.
“Your bounty hunter boyfriend, that’s what. You were lecturing me about Nyma before we knew they were gonna steal our lions, but now you and Rolo are suddenly chummy.”
Or, in which Pidge, Hunk, and Allura have the grand idea of getting Keith and Lance together by making Lance jealous
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Dial 1800 to Reach Your Drunk Boyfriend by Erina
Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
20 Jul 2017
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Summary
There are only really three things that Bakugou is afraid of. His mom, waking up and finding out Deku and Mineta switched bodies, and Sunny Shine Shine Daycare.
Because really, what the fuck.
Series
- Part 7 of The Misadventures of Explodo-kill Agency
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 6,078
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 94
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- 1,949
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- 114
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- 22,872
Bookmarked by bakugoal
20 Jul 2017
Bookmarker's Tags:
Bookmarker's Notes
"A look into Bakugou Katsuki’s google search history the next day (truncated due to length):
- How to unsend message
- How to erase memories
- HOW TO ERASE MEMORIES WITHOUT KILLING THE OTHER PERSON
- How to erase myself
- FUCK
- Did I just accidentally propose
- HE’S COMING OVER FUCK MY LIFE" -
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Summary
Bruce Wayne is either really bad at Twitter, or really, really good.
Series
- Part 9 of Sorrowful and Immaculate Hearts
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 1,146
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Comments:
- 538
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- 19,467
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- 2,477
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- 178,474
Bookmarked by muruy
14 Aug 2017
Bookmarker's Tags:
Bookmarker's Notes
Fic Info
Bad Publicity by Unpretty (WorkID: 6692113)
Summary: Bruce Wayne is either really bad at Twitter, or really, really good.
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Summary
“So your dick just,” Saitama gestures again, “comes off.”
“Please don’t wave my penis around,” Genos says with a straight face. “I can still feel it, you know, and your apartment is cold.”
(Yeah, okay, this is weird, but you know what? Weirder things have happened. Saitama's just gonna roll with it.)
EDIT: NOW THERE'S A PART TWO BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHEN TO QUIT
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Summary
“God, Keith, do you know how much you suck?”
Keith ignores Lance, focusing instead of buffing his dagger, even though it’s already gleaming.
Lance, however, seems to take his silence as permission to continue unabashedly. “Because you do,” Lance informs him from across the room. “Suck. You suck a lot. Like, honestly, you’re the suckiest suck to ever suck.”
Series
- Part 1 of Oops, My Hand Slipped
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5 times Peter is stuck with Tony by iron_spider
Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
16 Jun 2018
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Summary
(...and one time he’s stuck alone.)
“I wonder if Pepper’s reported me missing yet,” Tony says, with an exaggerated sigh. “I wonder if this is some kind of scheme to kidnap me or something.”
“I think the ride’s just broken,” Peter says.
“Today of all goddamn days,” Tony says, exasperation clear in his voice and in his eyes. “Ruining our trip—”
“It’s not ruined,” Peter says. “Look, we’re hanging out."
“Real quality time,” Tony huffs. “Us, a few other trapped members of the general public, and a handful of animatronic pirates. Drunk pirates. Repeating themselves.”
(Infinity War spoilers!)
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A Place To Call Home by Combat_Wombat, Plantsandpaints
Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
19 Jan 2019
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Summary
Nedzu finds a baby. It all goes about as well as you'd expect.
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What We Pretend We Can't See by gyzym for shecrows
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
20 Feb 2017
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Summary
Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought.
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Summary
this story has no plot other than tae meets jin, tae dates jin, they love each other and fuck a lot. do you want to see taejin happy? then have i got a story for you!
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The "Dying" Hobbit by Resacon1990
Fandoms: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
10 Jun 2014
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Summary
"It's just a cold," Gandalf says the following morning when Bilbo wakes up feeling completely under the weather, "a few days rest in bed will do you good, dear fellow."
Or, the one where Bilbo has a cold and everyone thinks he's dying.
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- Words:
- 70,734
- Works:
- 5
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- 386
Bookmarked by MojoFlower
22 Feb 2019
Bookmarker's Tags:
Bookmarker's Notes
A lovely, funny series in which John's brother dies and leaves his two children (Nora, 12, and PJ, 7). John suddenly realizes he loves them, and quits Atlantis in order to be a good uncle/dad. This rather pisses Rodney off, and they're separate for some 6 months before Rodney realizes work isn't fun if John and the kids aren't there, and comes to join them in their domestic bliss. The kids are a hoot, and so is Rodney, omg, he's so funny with them, just because of who he is.
They never do make it back to Atlantis, but that's okay, that's not what the story's about.
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Swearing a Red, White, and Blue Streak by zorilleerrant
Fandoms: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
04 Jul 2016
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Summary
For some reason, people seem to think Steve doesn't know any bad words.
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Summary
Ymir starts a group chat with the ladies of the 104th. To the surprise of no one, typical group chat chaos ensues.
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The Roads Never Lead Where They're Supposed to Go by eleveninches
Fandoms: Stargate Atlantis
06 Dec 2009
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Summary
A slightly different John and Rodney, in a slightly different Atlantis, fight Marines, dinosaurs, and each other.
Bookmarked by MojoFlower
24 Jul 2019
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Bookmarker's Notes
The Roads Never Lead Where They're Supposed to Go by eleveninches
OH. MY. GOD. Read it again. Rodney's like a peon in the labs. SHEPPARD IS A BOTANIST.
*********
"Can I ask you a personal question?" he asked Zelenka later that night, when they were the only two left in the lab. Everyone else had already gone to bed, because they were quitters. Only Rodney and Zelenka had the stamina to stay up for days at a time, never leaving the labs.
Zelenka's face twitched. "Yes, I suppose. What is it?"
He let out a deep breath through his nose. "Hypothetically speaking, how do you know if a gay guy hits on you?"
"Who else here is gay besides you and Dr Sheppard?" Zelenka asked.
Rodney scowled and crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not gay."
Zelenka's forehead wrinkled. "I do not understand."
"You know what, forget I said anything," Rodney said.
***********
Sumner took one look at his bloody head doctor, his bruised civilians, and his city's obviously secret laboratory, and he bellowed, "Someone needs to tell me what's going on here. Now."
Ford started, "Sir, Dr Beckett pulled a gun--" as Sheppard began, "Godzilla--" and Rodney said, "Somehow Carson had the great idea of turning everyone into prehistoric lizard killing machines," and Stackhouse finished off with, "Sir, have you ever seen Jurassic Park?"
Dr Weir held up a hand. "One at a time, please."
"Beckett created a retrovirus to turn everyone in the city into dinosaurs," Sheppard said. He sounded apologetic. "His plan was to set it off today and flee in a jumper."
Weir looked like this explanation physically hurt her. "I see."
"Dinosaurs?" Sumner asked flatly. He glowered at Carson. "You were going to turn the entire human race into dinosaurs, but you can't figure out how to give everyone the ATA gene?"
"I'm not a miracle worker, Colonel," Carson said.
*************
"I can't believe McKay went gay for you," Grodin said.
"I should be getting my free toaster in the mail any day now," Sheppard said.